Tag Archives: male

How to have a mfm without being bisexual

Posted in Questions, Relationships, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

IMG_8704After receiving the ‘green light’, regarding exploring the idea of having a threesome, we quickly realize there are many hurdles that need negotiating before reaching the sought after threesome. Probably one of the earliest hurdles that presents itself is the threesome paradox:

Having a fmf means investing a lot of time with the most likely result being the second woman is bisexual. Thereby leaving out the male. However having a mfm may mean finding someone quicker but it will mean an assault on male-half of the couple’s sexuality?

One solution maybe  quid-pro-quo whereby the couple agrees to have a fmf and mfm only to find either they are unable to find a willing woman to join them or the man refuses going through with the planned mfm because it calls into question his sexuality. In this article, I will explore a guaranteed way of having a mfm without male-on-male contact

So, how do you have a mfm threesome without involving male-on-male contact? The first step is changing the mindset. Having a mfm is not about sexual identity. Speaking from personal experience, having a mfm threesome is about sharing and making his wife / girlfriend happy. Arguably, it is doing something for her and the relationship. For his wife / girlfriend and for them as a couple it is about liberation.

This means having a mfm is about an emotional experience whereby a couple can feel secure by trusting each other. By having a mfm threesome the man is giving permission to his wife / girlfriend to enjoy someone else, trusting her feelings will remain for him and she will not violate the boundaries they have set. Also, he is trust the male the invite will respect their boundaries, respect their relationship, and enjoy his spouse / girlfriend.

Final step is selecting the correct male. From my experience, I do not believe homophobic males make a good choice for a threesome. I believe they tend to view having a threesome as a way to have ‘no strings sex’ and can get obsessive about anything that might seem gay. This can create issues in the threesome especially between the males and finding someone who is comfortable with their sexuality is a better choice.

Also I believe there is no guaranteed way of finding a compatible male. Instead I believe the type of male in the situation is a male who respects boundaries, is outgoing, and someone who makes each of you feel comfortable. Then as all of you progress towards having a threesome, they are someone who looks to take cues and does not look to take advantage of any situation that may present itself.

Having a threesome whereby there is no male-on-male contact, involves having the correct mind-set. This involves each man being secure in their sexual identity and not seeing the threesome about challenging their sexual identity. Instead viewing it as an experience that can can be quite enjoyable by focusing on pleasing her. Therefore the guaranteed way to have a mfm threesome without challenging a man’s sexuality identity involves trust, communication, and a desire to share his wife / girlfriend with another man.

 

 

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I Used To Be A Unicorn

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Threesome Articles by other authors, Threesome opinions by

Another great article from theshitshowthatismylife. She candidly speaks about unicorns, the difficulty finding one for a threesome, and how finding a bisexual woman does not necessary mean she is interested in a heterosexual couple. This is a great article for any couple searching for a second woman for their threesome.

I Used To Be A Unicorn.

via I Used To Be A Unicorn.

Bisexual Male Etiquette for MFM Threesome

Posted in Etiquette by

Bisexual Male Etiquette for MFM Threesome

Introduction

Many men and a few women fantasize of erotic woman on woman contact in a threesome. Woman on woman contact is every where from the movies to commercials and television shows. I have seen a few main-stream television shows that open with a lesbian scene.

Unfortunately male on male contact has yet to become mainstream. The one main-stream television show that I have seen approaching this issue moved from telling a cute story to a show that started attacking society and groups that did not agree with their view point of same-sex equality. From my experience, I have yet to meet an individual or a couple that fantasize about male on male contact in a threesome.  Instead it is something they would like to experience or may see.

For the bisexual male, who is just starting out, it can leave them in a predicament about approaching a couple. A couple has their choice of single men and can be quite selective who they choose since there is an abundance of single men interested in having a threesome. So, how can a bisexual males improve their chance of finding a couple and keep their interest?

Starting Point

Starting point simply means using a frame of reference in order to approach the threesome. In this context it is accepting the couple is a couple. This means there are two individuals who share mutual interests and who share their lives together. As a result what happens in the threesome will have an impact on their lives and the lives of others. Respecting them and their relationship is paramount in being considered for a threesome.

Mirage

Many couples who search for single men do not necessarily search for bisexual single men. Some couples may not consider the idea, some couples may say the male half of the couple is bi-curious and others may be opposed to the idea. Contacting a couple based on the assumption they are looking for a bisexual men to join them because they are searching for potential men to join them maybe a fatal flow.

Risks

Couples who consider threesomes tend to be educated and intelligent. They tend to be aware of the risks of HIV / AIDs, syphilis, and other sexually transmitted diseases. As a result they tend to be aware sex between men is a primary way of spreading infection. This can result in limiting bisexual activity between the men to oral activity and wanting to use condoms as a way of limiting their risk.

Approach

Assuming the couple is not openly looking for a bisexual male to join them then the approach needs to be accommodating. Accommodating means, taking time for understanding their needs. Are they looking for a straight threesome? Is the couple open to male on male contact? If so, what is acceptable? What is the male half of the couple wanting from a bisexual male?

The next part of the approach is to gradually introduce the idea of being bisexual. This does not mean lie to them. Instead it means easing them to the idea. For example if the couple asks, “What are your boundaries for physical contact with other males in a threesome?” One way to gradually introduce the idea is by stating, “I am, under the right circumstances, not opposed to male on male contact.” However, if they ask you if you are bisexual a possible response might be, “I can be flexible. Male on male contact is something I enjoy but it is not necessary. If he is open to it, we hit it off, and the mood is right then we can see where it goes.” In essence, using an accommodating approach means being adaptable to the needs of the couple.

Threesome

Speaking with the couple will give you a general idea of the couple’s comfort level with male on male contact in the threesome. However talking about a threesome and having the threesome are two separate activities. A lot of the time a couple will express their interest in specific activities before having the threesome but once it happens, it is likely the threesome will not develop into the ‘ideal’ threesome that was being previously discussed.

Unless the couple specifically states they are interested in male on male contact in the threesome and the woman is taking on a voyeur role, it is fair to assume they have chosen a bisexual male to pleasure both of them. This means some attention needs to be paid to her along with determining the other male’s interest in same sex contact. If it is his first time find a way to get him comfortable and ease him it same sex contact. It is better to limit the activity to oral and / or some form of masturbation than to push for something more intimate. Making it too intimate for him too fast may make the both of them uncomfortable.

Cuckolding and the power of sloppy seconds

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions by

IMG_8628 updated

Sloppy Seconds a curse or a great benefit?

Introduction

Earlier today I was reading an excellent blog about ‘sloppy seconds’. It started me thinking about my own experience with the topic and how I define it. To begin with, the author in the article uses the term, ‘sloppy seconds, liberally. ‘Sloppy seconds,’ as I understand the author’s definition refers to a  man who is second to have sex with a woman after another man finishes having with her and then  uses a sex toy before having sex with her.

Whereas my experience with ‘sloppy seconds, is where a woman after she has, in most cases, gone bareback with another man then goes on to have more sex with a different man. As a result of already having sex she is ‘stretched’ and has cum leaking out of her. Since she is having sex with another man she has not bathed in between lovers and the second gets to experience her much more fully. Regardless of how the term is defined, it can carry very a negative connotation with it but if you become confident enough in yourself, it can be a very powerful experience.

If I wanted to write a thesis on the topic by using the definition by the author and discuss the numerous times using a large vibrator and how it felt to fuck her her wide pussy from it. In my opinion, this would make reading about those experiences quite boring. Instead I will reflect on the few times where we have invited another man to join us or to allow her to have sex on her own.

Experiencing ‘Sloppy Seconds’

For Me

It is difficult to put into words the sheer excitement sharing you spouse can bring along with the devastating crippling fear too. Nonetheless when it is my turn to enjoy her after being enjoyed by another man it was an experience that stimulated all of the senses. Nothing can compare to the musk smell, after sex. It is a powerful smell that is not easily masked. Someone on the street might find it repulsive. However when she is laying there naked with her legs spread and tells you how she was fucked by him, the smell is more intoxicating than alcohol. The smell fills the room like incense. Unlike incense it lingers for a few days.

Visually when I look at her labia they are redden and swollen from already having sex. Her vagina is visually wider with whisker burns of where he was on her. Depending on how long she had sex sometimes I am able to see cum leaking out of her.

Then when I finger her there is a sticky feeling and sometimes back-flow still leaks out. Having sex is quite different. Entering is a lot smoother due to her being wet from cum and she is not necessarily wider. Instead I would say she is stretched, which is a totally different feeling. While I play in my mind the events that just occurred, experiencing every type of possible emotion. From worrying about what just occurred to sheer excitement over just occurred. It is a flurry of emotions that took days, afterwards, for it to settle. From my experience she is still horny from the experience and does not want to spend a lot of time in foreplay.

For Her

Having sex with someone else is a mix for her. She gets enjoys having someone else fuck her and then come home to have sex with me telling me about the experience. It provides her such a large release and I believe it gives her some power. The downside to it for her, the experience is quite powerful and she does not want to get hurt.

Finally

In my opinion it is easy to understand the negative connotation of the word. ‘Sloppy seconds’ puts the second male in the position of having to compare himself to another male who just enjoyed the woman in front of him. For a man who lacks confidence, it can be quite a daunting intimidating. For the man that has enough confidence in themselves and their relationship, it can be a drug more powerful than any known drug available. The power of ‘sloppy seconds’ can be something that obliterates the confidence of a man who lacks self-esteem thereby destroying his relationship or it can be a glue that cements a relationship. Only time can tell which one it will be and planning such an experience needs to be done cautiously.

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Swinging and Mental Health

Posted in Relationships, Threesome Articles by other authors by

Italiano: PTO / Disturbi mentali: Elenco di fr...Positive Aspects of Swinging on relationships

I found this article on Psychology Today’s web site, I thought would share it.

When I first saw the title, I thought to myself this would be another article bashing the swinging lifestyle and portraying those who swing as some type of mental deviant or sexual predator. Oddly to my surprise, this article supports the lifestyle by stating those who swing have less fears, is less jealous and it appears to take a shot at the monogamous lifestyle by painting it as choice that can promote cheating.

While I am glad to read this, the two things this article misses. First research done by other to authors support it points  Instead it is based on observational research that is very difficult to verify. Second the article talks about swinging and monogamy; however it does not define the term. Thereby leaving to reader to question how is each term defined. Is someone who has had a few ‘experiences’ considered by the author to be monogamous or a swinger? This means the article is more of an opinion rather than an article based on empirical research evidence Nonetheless, it is a good article that makes you think.

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The problem with threesomes

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome Articles by other authors, Threesome Planning by

Author makes a good point about finding a threesome and I believe it is worth taking the time to read.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have.

The problem with threesomes.

via The problem with threesomes.

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Canadian study on sex and threesomes

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Population density (people per km 2 ) map of t...

As an author I am interested in information that objectively looks at sex and threesomes. Surveys are a great way to ask questions, to methodically get information and to report it in consistent way. It gives a snapshot of a population at a particular point in time and it provides an excellent resource for comparison.

A drawback to a survey is a question asked can be influenced by the personal views of the person drafting the questions, people selected may not be representative of the population and generalizations may not always be possible. Meaning, the results reported may not be a true representation of the overall population. Nonetheless this study, in particular, is interesting because the threesome rate for Canadians is higher than Americans and the number of partners Canadian women have, in some instances, exceeds males.

This is a quick read and hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did.

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Fantasy versus Reality of Having a threesome: Chapter 5 Resolving the Dilemma of Privacy versus Having a Threesome

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions by

Introduction

After much discussion agreement is reached beginning the search for the third. Going through profiles in order to research the site and get feel for the tone of the profiles reality hits, someone may know me / us? Likewise driving to meet someone who may have enough interest for a threesome a question comes up, what I / we do if we see someone we know? Maybe on the way back home to have the threesome, the question that was overlooked, do we have any identifiable information laying out that can be discovered? If it is a friend who is chosen then a lingering question becomes, will our friends find about the threesome? The above scenarios highlight an issue every threesome faces, the issue of privacy and how to protect yourself.

Like every decision, having a threesome carries risk and a risk is privacy. Privacy covers everything from knowing information about you that you would prefer not to be known to being exposed, ‘outted,’ as it sometimes referred. If your families, friends, co-workers know about your threesome lifestyle then being ‘outted,’ is not a risk. For those who are just starting out or those who work in public facing roles, this can have a devastating impact. This article will address this issue and provide an opinion regarding how to mitigate this issue.

Understanding the Risk:

This involves asking yourself, what is the worst that can happen if people knew? If your job has a moral turpitude clause in your contract or you work in a right-to-work state then it could mean the loss of your job. If the threesome involves someone who has decision about bids then it could be seen a bribery. In a public facing role then it could mean people treat you differently and depending on the role it could mean some type of action being taken against you. Short of these then the most likely outcome will be people who do not understand the decision. This could mean some loss of friends, friends who try to ‘fix you,’ because they do not agree with the decision, or distance from people who do not understand.

The other side to this is asking what happens if the person / couple that is invited knows about my personal life? For some this may not be an issue. However for others with children, in public facing roles, jobs that may be at risk, or do not want others knowing then the questions becomes, what is the impact if the other person(s) knew? Asking this becomes helpful in determining how much personal information about yourself you want to share and the risk of sharing it. The less you know about the person / people you are inviting then less personal information you should share.

Asking yourself, if the risk is worth it becomes paramount to any decision to have a threesome.

Coming up with a Plan:

After thinking about the risk of people finding out the next question becomes, how to deal with people if they find out. This might mean having specific approaches to different people. For a friend that is open-minded but who can be judgmental at times then saying, “I am not looking to be judged and it is my decision. It was a good experience but I do not know if I will do it again,” might be sufficient. Whereas a friend / family member who oppose the idea taking a stronger tone might be more appropriate such as, “I am not discussing it.”

In contrast those who might be supportive and want to know about it, the issue becomes what to share? This type of situation requires keeping the identity of the other(s) private and not providing any information that could identify them. Just because they may not know the other(s) you invited, it does not mean anyone else they tell may be able to deduce who they are from your description, in this situation ‘less is more.’

Protecting Your Identity and Information:

Thinking about the risk to your identity are who may cause issues is important starting point since it will help with taking the next step, knowing how to protect your identity and information. The greater the risk you face the more you will need to work at keeping your information private and your identity private. This means any conversation you have, any profile created, any ad, and any reply you need to have a consistent set of information. Simply put creating an alias that provides some basic information but hides information that can identify you, for example:

  • A couple living in Skokie, Ill becomes a couple living in the Chicago area.
  • Brad & Janet now becomes Mary & Joseph
  • A math teacher in for a high school in South Dakota becomes an educator
  • Age – never use your real age and tweak it bit by + / – 5 years
  • Height / measurements – never use your real measurements. Instead use approximates or words
    • 190 lb & 6’0 – can become slightly taller than average height with build in line with height
    • 275 lbs & 6’1 – can become tall with a large build
    • Hair color, eye color, skin tone, tattoos – avoid a lot of detail, keep it approximate, and avoid giving away information that can identify you
  • Length of marriage or relationship – is optional and keep it approximate. Instead of saying married 22 years instead say, married nearly 25 years.
  • Job – Is optional, if stated never state company and keep it vague like educator or engineer.
  • Family size – should never be stated unless children are over 18 and not living at home. Then profile / ad becomes children have left for university or are now married. In all situations this is optional.
  • Address or any other identifiable information – should never be listed.

Protecting your identity goes further, especially if you bring anyone to your place. Depending on your level of comfort you may want to put family photos, especially children photos, out of sight. Also any bank information, credit card, or any other information that could be used to steal your identity should be put out of sight.

If you are asked specifics about yourself then you will have to decide if it is relevant, why they need to know, and more importantly if you are comfortable disclosing it. Sometimes questions are asked as a part of conversation to be social and other times it is more about learning about you. The latter can be dangerous since it can lead to feelings developing and identifying who you are.

Dealing with Request for Information:

This can become a balancing act. If you withhold too much information then it may seem as though you are aloof and hiding something. However too much information you may risk exposure and potentially more. There is no simple answer to this beyond stating using your judgement, understanding the risk involved, and if necessary being assertive by stating, “I am not comfortable talking about that.”

Conclusion:

The above is an opinion regarding how to protect your privacy while having a threesome. Each situation is different the risk needs to be evaluated. The greater the adverse impact of having a threesome on your job and / or personal life then the greater the need for protecting your privacy. The more threesomes you have then the more you will learn the level of information that is required and the extent to which you need to protect yourself.

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Identifying potential time waster replies and fake profiles

Posted in Etiquette, Miscellaneous, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Painting by Édouard-Henri Avril: two men and a...

Time waster real or imaginary?

Imagine for a moment, you have joined a web-site looking for a potential third person to join you for a threesome and now the replies are flowing. How do you identify fake replies or replies form time-wasters?

In response to a request from a follower, I have decided to write about reviewing profiles and replies in determining if they are a potential time-waster. Also I will discuss some of the topics that tend to come up such as sending photos and identifying married men claiming to be single.

I struggled a bit writing this with this since by writing this, I would be alerting potential time-wasters that some of their tricks are known and it might make it more difficult to spot them. Nonetheless, I felt educating my followers was more important and I will give a few pointers. Even though I am giving a few pointers, it does not mean it will identify all time-wasters and it may potentially identify legitimate replies as being time-wasters. Therefore it is imperative anyone reading this uses it as a guide and use their own experience for identifying time-wasters.

Hallmarks in Profile / Ad:

  • Elusive or very vague Ad / Profile
  • Short ad / profile lacking any details
  • Poor grammar and / or spelling
  • Arrogant, narcissistic, and / or inflated sense of self
  • Incorrect or overuse of lifestyle terminology.
  • Ad uses lifestyle terminology makes the ad awkward.
  • Attempts to make themselves look legitimate
  • Lack of warmth, friendliness, and the ad is not very inviting.
  • Ad / Profile style, content, information, or tone seems similar to another / other profiles on the site

Hallmarks in Replies

Usually there are a few hallmarks, signs, in the reply that may alert you that you may have received a reply from a potential time-waster, these signs include:

  • A rush to meet – (e.g. I do not waste my time with emails, when are we meeting?)
  • Push for photos (e.g. How do I know you are legitimate without a photo?)
  • Game playing / manipulation (e.g. delaying meeting, showing aggressiveness in replies, etc)
  • Name calling or stating you are not a legitimate couple (You are not a legitimate couple wanting a threesome, if you are then we would have met.)
  • Focus on one member of the couple and not seeing you as a couple (I love to eat pussy and can please the ladies)
  • Belief that there is a problem in the relationship and seeing themselves as the solution (You would not be looking for a threesome if your husband could please you in bed)
  • Profile and replies not in sync. This is typical for married men who claim to be single. For example their profile may state they are single and free to meet any-time. However when you suggest a meet, for example on a weekend evening, their reply states they cannot meet on the weekend due to the kids.

The main thing to remember is the decision to have a threesome resides with you. It cannot happen without your consent and it needs to happen at a speed that you are comfortable with. If you are getting pushed to meet before you are ready or being pushed for photos to prove you are legitimate then the person is not right for you.

Identifying Married Men who claim to be Single

There are some out there who believe having a threesome with a married man whose wife does not know is acceptable. However, from my perspective I believe it open the threesome up to a lot of drama and married men should be avoided. Below are some potential hallmarks of a reply from a married man:

  • Changes meeting time or day at last moment
  • States he cannot meet at a time when previously states he was available
  • Elusive about being married and may use terms liking dating or in a long-term relationship to avoid answering the question directly. May attempts o skirt the issue or minimize the fact he is married (e.g. “I am in a loveless marriage that has been over for years and we are staying together for the kids.”)
  • May state wife is agreeable to him having a threesome without her. If he states wife is agreeable to him being a threesome then ask to speak to the wife and actually speak to her since. If they are in an open relationship then the wife should have no issues speaking to you.

Sending Photos

With technology to alter photos and to copy photos from the Internet, I do not believe sending a photo in the beginning proves legitimacy. All it proves, I believe, is you are able to send a photo via email and it does not prove you are a couple. The issue I have with sending photos is it proves nothing while at the same time it potentially opens you up for your photo being shared on the Internet. This means if you send an R rated or X rated photo then be prepared that you may find it being shared on different web sites since once you send the photo you no longer have any control over it. If you have a job that is public facing or friends / family that are sensitive then be careful about what you send. Ideally, this author feels, if photos are going to be exchanged then they should only be exchanged after you have spoken with them and both of you send photos as I way to identify each other when you meet in public.

Posting photos in your profile / ad

In regards to using a photo in your profile / ad, as an author, I have a different view. I do not believe it is necessary. However, I do feel, people do relate to photos and it may help with receiving more replies. Also, I feel, it might help in limiting replies from time-wasters. However, any photo should not show other people and definitely should not include any children. The type of photo to include can be:

  • A photo of you shot at a distance, in order not to show detailed facial features if you are concerned about privacy and be prepared that someone might know it is you. A good example is vacation / holiday photo.
  • Partially naked or naked photo shot below the head. This is good for privacy concerns.
  • Partially naked or naked photo showing head if privacy or people you know finding out is not an issue
  • If you are a couple then a photo of you as a couple. Again shot from the distance if you are concerned about privacy and be prepared that someone might know it is you. A good example is vacation / holiday photo.

How long should corresponding take?

There is no set time limit to number of replies to corresponding before meeting. A person that is truly interested in meeting and having a threesome with you will give you the necessary time before you are ready. This means there should be no pressure tactics or manipulation being used to get you to agree meet in person before you are ready and have taken the necessary steps to plan for your safety.

Can I end the correspondence without seeming like a time-waster?

Just because you send an email asking for further information and to explore the potential of meeting for a threesome does not mean you have to meet. You or the other can end corresponding before meeting. The reason for ending the correspondence can be varied from not having enough interest / attraction to a change in mind about having a threesome.

If proper etiquette is followed then an explanation for ending the correspondence is not needed but if you are asked keep it simple, “I / we are pursuing other interests at the moment and thank you for your interest.” This should be sufficient and if you are pressed for a more detailed explanation then state you will not provide a further explanation.

Realities and Myths – Personal Biases

This section is meant to draw a contrast with the above sections to highlight time-waster is perceptual. When we begin this journey of reviewing and replying ads there is a tendency of being everything to everybody. After doing it a few times and realizing it is not possible since everyone has their own preference. Furthermore, you will learn that your profile appeases a certain segment of the site and as couple you are drawn to certain types of profiles. The challenge lies in finding a way for both of them to be in sync. If not it raises some fundamental questions surrounding expectations, the type of person that is interested, and approach being used. By developing an awareness and accepting that not everyone is going to be drawn to you, it is possible to eliminate those who are compatible rather then perceiving them as time wasters.

Comments

If you have any comments or insights about spotting time-wasters please feel free to share them.

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Planning a threesome: A communication and issues perspective

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages by

English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...What does planning a threesome entail?

Questions and Threesome Philosophy

Recently I started thinking about what is involved with planning a threesome, what is involved in having a threesome, and why it is sometimes better not to have a threesome.  I am not speaking about an aspect of having a threesome, such as trying to debunk some of the myths surrounding having a threesome which is common to my writing, but trying to articulate what a threesome can mean.

I am one who believes if an individual in one breath suggests a threesome then in the next breadth begins suggesting people to join them for a threesome deserves anything bad a threesome may bring them. Why? That individual is not thinking through what is involved in having a threesome and may be viewing having a threesome as quick way to get laid with ‘no strings attached.’ My own threesome philosophy is based on believing having a threesome challenges a couple by forcing them to speak about things that most couples do not speak about, having to accept a decision that will forever change their relationship, and deal with the outcome of having a threesome. This means having a threesome will change the relationship, for better or worse, and before undertaking a decision to change a relationship some consideration must be given. In order to arrive at making a decision a couple needs to take time in understanding what it will mean for them. It also means having to ask themselves some very tough questions such as:

  • Can I watch my partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Am I prepared to have sex with someone else while my partner / spouse watches
  • Can I have sex with someone for pleasure without developing feelings for them
  • How will I feel about myself afterwards
  • How will I feel about my spouse / partner afterwards
  • What are the risks
  • What boundaries will I need to feel secure in having a threesome
  • What activities should not happen because I am too uncomfortable either performing them or seeing my partner / spouse performing them on someone else
  • What do we / I need to do to help ensure this relationship will survive having a threesome
  • What do I need to do to support my partner after having a threesome
  • How do we reconnect physically and emotionally after having a threesome
  • What safe-sex practices do we need to follow
  • Where will the threesome occur
  • What type of person will we invite
  • Will there be an impact on my job or my partner’s / spouse’s job if we are discovered
  • How are we going to find the third person
  • How are we going to share the responsibility in finding the third person
  • What are we going to communicate to the third person about our boundaries and our relationship

The above list of questions is not an exhaustive list and the answers will change based on where the person is in the threesome process and their attitude towards having a threesome. This means there has to be some research, some introspection, and some discussions regarding issues surrounding having a threesome along with the issues surrounding the relationship in order to understand what having a threesome will mean. Without having some discussions it leaves a big risk that something has been missed and by missing it the relationship will be adversely impacted.

Communication: Initial Discussion

This brings up the question, how far should the conversations go and how long should they last? The answer is as long as necessary until there is a common understanding, there are no outstanding issues and a common agreement is reached. For some couples it could be a few short conversations due to previous experiences with threesomes and previous conversations. However for other couples it could means a long-time due to issues that arise that needs addressing before having a threesome. Also, this means these conversations continue from the time the suggestion of having a threesome is made until each individual feels they have no lingering issues from having a threesome. Finally for others it means having a threesome never materializes because a common framework could not be established.

At some point these conversations are going to raise the question, are we ready to have a threesome? There is no formula or magical answer to this question. Instead this is a judgement call for the couple. Ideally, this author feels, a couple is ready when they feel they are ready after talking through the issues and feel they have the same understanding, sometimes referred to as “being on the same page,” about the threesome. Once they begin their search they should continue discussing issues especially the type of person to be invited, their boundaries, and feelings that the search might elicit.

Meeting the Third Person & the Threesome: Issues and Communication

Once they have found a potential “playmate,” third person, it will most likely make what was, for the most part, an exercise in finding someone and it will make having a threesome real. Essentially this is the point where the idea of having a threesome is no longer an abstract and intangible idea; now it is quite tangible and real. At this point it is quite likely that they will face some anxiety and uncertainty. Also, at this point time is running out if they want to make any last minute changes to their boundaries or change their mind. As soon a threesome begins they cannot reverse what happens. Therefore, it is imperative if there are any lingering issues or uncertainty about having a threesome they are address, otherwise it will be too late.

Depending on how the couple has planned their threesome there might be some social conversation and social time together with the third person. This can give them a chance to learn about the third person and make their final decision about having a threesome. Furthermore they should expect, at some point, the conversation will change from socially acceptable conversation to sex. Such a change in conversation makes it likely that flirting will occur along with some displays of affection (e.g. kissing and intimate touching). Such a change in conversation and behavior indicates that any initial meeting place be tolerant of such behaviors. Also, it implies that the couple should expect such displays, encourage such behavior if they want the threesome to occur and be accepting of it.

Before the threesome occurs and after getting beyond the social conversation lays a difficult area for inexperienced couples to navigate, the transition. Transition, is the “point of no return,” it is the point where the threesome is about to happen and if it is to be stopped then it needs to occur before it goes any further. In getting past this point certain cues need to be given and accepted. For a couple they need to let the invited third person to know they want to proceed. There are several ways they can do this:

  • They can tell them it is alright
  • Suggest moving to the bedroom or a more appropriate room
  • Some form of sexual encouragement is given that is short of penetration (e.g. taking hand to feel breast).
  • Changing into something more revealing
  • Undressing
  • Playing games such as strip poker

After the couple successfully completes the transition the next phase is the threesome. At this point they are either undressed or in some form of semi-undressed. It is the point where the couple faces the power of their decision. They can be confronted with:

  • Seeing their partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Having sex with someone else while their partner / spouse watches
  • Seeing someone else sexually please their partner / having someone else sexually please them
  • Most likely having intense feelings ranging from fear and loss to a high state of arousal
  • Needing to manage feelings in order to keep feelings from overrunning
  • Seeing things that may not correspond to the reality of the situation (e.g. partner being sexually aroused by someone else and that arousal may be due to the threesome and not an attraction to the individual)
  • Possibly smell of sex in the room
  • Having an intense orgasm / watching their partner having an intense orgasm
  • Sexual performance issues
  • Comparing body and genitals with the third person
  • Knowing their partner / them can be sexually attracted to someone else
  • Fear of pregnancy, if mfm or fmf
  • Fear of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs
  • Issues of bisexuality

Then after the threesome other issues arise such has managing contact with the third person afterwards and reconnecting as a couple.

Conclusion

Having a threesome means being sociable, assertive, and being an extrovert. It also means knowing your limits, being able to communicate those limits, and being able to effectively communicate with others about their limits. For a couple who wants a threesome it will mean discussing topics that most couples will not discuss in their lifetime together, being faced with a situation that they choose to confront, and it means putting their relationship at risk in order to have a sexual experience. Many couples chose that risking their relationship for a threesome is not worth it but for those who do face uncertainty. The impact of the threesome may not be felt for days, weeks, months, or years. However with enough planning, investing enough in the relationship, and communicating then it is a realistic expectation that a threesome will provide an enjoyable experience. Finally this article shows there is more than enough reason not to have a threesome but for those who choose to take this journey hopefully this article helps to highlight a possible path for you.

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