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Etiquette of accommodating

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Imagine, for a moment, the two of you believe you found someone that might make a great third person. They ask if, as a couple, you will accommodate them. Then, all of a sudden the possible threesome appears to be at the brink of collapsing because of the issue of accommodating, what do you do?

Accommodating, means you will at the very minimum you will host the threesome and most likely provide them with a place to stay for the night. Hosting means making the arrangements for the place fo the threesome to occur and if necessary, providing a place to stay.

There are at least two schools of thoughts. First is a social perspective that is founded on the principles of being a good host and taking care of your guest. This means the person(s) planning the threesome takes care of all of the details including where to have the threesome, ensuring everyone is comfortable and providing a place to stay for the third person. Essentially, when using the perspective, all of the details are taken care of and the threesome can happen freely without worry about time.

Second perspective, is factoring in distance. Like the social perspective whereby the host takes care of the details, the difference lies in providing accommodation. Under the distance perspective, if the couple and the third person do not need to travel far, typically less than 50 miles, to have the threesome then the person(s) arranging the threesome will not provide accommodation.

This brings up the question, if accommodating is required, what are the rules? Typically if it is the couple that is hosting then they will ideally discuss this prior to finding someone for a threesome, as a part of their initial discussion. A part of the discussion should focus around the topic of becoming emotionally attached, if the third person stays in their bed and the risk it can pose.

From an etiquette perspective there is nothing wrong with, if the couple has the space available asking the third person to sleep in a guest bedroom. This will help to keep an emotional distance between the couple and the third person. Likewise there is nothing wrong with having the third person stay in the bed with the couple provided the couple is comfortable with the idea and communicate their boundary to the third person.

In contrast, if it is the invited third person hosting their focus should be making the couple comfortable. This would mean discussing with the couple their plans for accommodating to ensure the couple is comfortable with the idea. This author feels if it is the first time the three are together and it is the third person hosting then careful consideration should be given to place the couple in the guest room in order to give them time to reconnect after the threesome and to talk privately about any issues that may have com up.

For some it may appear that if the third person is hosting then there is more of a restriction on them, from an etiquette standpoint. The reason for difference goes to the topic of dynamics. If the couple is hosting the threesome then they are aware of the plans, they have had the necessary discussions, and they are in control of the threesome. However, if it is the third person hosting then, to some extent, the couple is not aware of the plans of the third person. By placing the couple is a guest bedroom is to protect the couple from undue influence from the third person on the couple’s relationship, it shows the couple the third person respects their relationship and it gives the couple a chance to reconnect.

Another question that gets asked the extent, to which, the person accommodating should provide for their guest(s). This author feels if the third person is staying at their home then only the basics should be provided, such as: a separate toothbrush, toothpaste, towels, feminine hygiene products, and a clean bed. Then in the morning providing them with something to eat and drink before leaving. Furthermore this author does not feel accommodation should go as far as paying for the hotel room or paying for their travelling expenses since, in some jurisdictions, this may border on prostitution.

This brings up a fundamental question, regardless of the perspective, how comfortable are the participants with accommodating. If the threesome is to occur and spending the night together is an issue then all three must be comfortable with the idea. Being comfortable means it does not elicit any negative feelings (e.g. anger, jealous) and the couple believes it will not harm the relationship. If either is present then accommodating might cause more harm then good.

Last question accommodating brings up, regards boundaries. Boundaries in this situation can be detailed. If the couple will be sleeping separately from the third person then boundaries become less complex. In this author’s opinion the main boundaries that need to be discussed includes the when the third person will leave and communication with the couple after the threesome. However if all three will stay in the same bed then more issues need to be explored. Typical issues to be considered includes: touching in bed, contact allowed where each person will sleep, and other issues based on the threesome being planned. Without taking time to establish boundaries regarding accommodating then it is likely to create some negative feelings that could ruin the threesome.

In answering the question regarding accommodation two fundamental questions should be answered. First is the distance needed to be travelled and the impact on the couple’s relationship. If the distance for travelling to have a threesome is less than 50 miles or the couple feels it might adversely impact their relationship then accommodating should not occur. Likewise if there is a significant distance to travel or the couple is open to the idea then accommodating, at a minimum, should be discussed. Before any accommodating occurs there should be agreement about boundaries and how it will operate.

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Writing an ad – Advice for single men

Posted in Etiquette, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

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Are Threesomes No Strings Attached (NSA)?

The idea of uncomplicated sex, with a couple appears appealing and after much contemplation the decision is made to post an ad for a couple searching for a single male. As the ad is being drafted, one obvious question enters the writer’s consciousness what should be included?

For a single man the starting point is accepting being a part of large pool of single men interested in having a threesome. The number of single men interested in a threesome exceeds the number of couples interested in a threesome and single women too. Also, it means being able to understand the couple’s perspective in their selection process. It is not enough to write, “I am great at giving oral,” or “I can make the ladies cum.” How many single men will publicly admit they are bad at giving oral or is completely unable to make a woman cum? The point here is do not be generic, think about what the couple might want from a third person beyond their sexual ability, and do not state the obvious. The other point, first impressions are lasting. Such a statement may attract a few couple but for many, it can be discouraging.

So how do you get beyond stating the obvious or being generic? Best approach is being yourself. This means writing the ad as though you were talking with the couple and letting them know why they should choose you instead of someone else. Also, think about the type of couple you want to meet and the type of threesome scenario you are wanting. The remaining part of this blog will cover what to avoid and what should be included.

Writing the Ad

First avoid using colloquialisms and clichés.  While it may be common to use colloquialisms and clichés in everyday conversation, when writing an ad it should be a bit more formal. The problem with colloquialisms and clichés is not everyone has the same understanding leading to confusion and the other problem it can create a bad impression.

Second, do not make assumptions. One assumption that is made, the couple wants a threesome because the male half is bisexual and thereby stating being bi-curious as a way to increase the chance for being selected. Reality is a two male threesome can be straight and most two male threesomes that occur do not involve male on male contact. Male bisexuality can be a turn-off for couples due to the risk of STI / STDs. The point here is if you are not bi-sexual / bi-curious then do not add it.  Another assumption that is wrongly made is there is an issue in the relationship and having a threesome is meant to address it. Reality here is most couples who have threesomes have stable relationships and are not looking for a way to fix a relationship issue.

Third, do not write the ad as though you are there for the woman. Reason being, they are a couple and approaching the ad from that perspective can create the impression you will cause problems for the couple. Instead, think about the type of couple you are trying to attract and how you will meet their needs.

Fourth, do not get ahead of yourself. Sometimes ads will contain personal contact information or get demanding about how a couple should reply. First do not include any personal contact information and if a couple wants contact information they will, at some point, ask for it. In addition being a single male in a situation where there is a surplus of single men and being in a situation that is predominately controlled by couples means, being demanding is not acceptable.

So what should you ad contain? It should show your personality and it should be well written.  Take the time to proof read it, correct spelling errors and correct grammatical errors. Make sure the ad remains on point and it does not ramble. Also include any boundaries that you have and your sexual interests. If you are looking for a couple that shares similar interests to you then include them; however if it is not necessary that they share your interests then avoid any person interests. Do not push for a reply and give them time to come back to you. If they say ‘no’ then accept it and reply to couples that respond to your ad. Essentially your ad should contain the information a couple would need to make the decision if they should speak with your further about having a threesome and should be written in a way that encourages it.

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FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

Question 2

Are threesomes similar to what is shown the movies, talk shows, and television?

Movies, talks show, and television are commercial enterprises that need to generate revenue for their company. This means they have to focus on aspects of having a threesome that brings in revenue for them thereby avoiding a balanced approach to the topic. Simply when a media enterprise (e.g. a talk show) focuses on threesomes they are focusing on the aspects they believe will bring in the most viewers for them thereby being able to charge more for advertising.  In this author’s opinion, anyone considering having a threesome should not base their decision on anything they see on television regarding the topic.

Will a threesome destroy our relationship?

This author believes a threesome will not destroy a relationship but the threesome process can bring to the surface, at a very fast pace, issues that can adversely impact a relationship. Also, this author believes if there are underlying issues in a relationship a threesome can amplify those issues whereby if a threesome did not occur then it might have been addressed. Finally this author believes a threesome cannot fix a troubled relationship but can help a good relationship.

For example a fictitious Couple, Fred & Ginger, discuss having a threesome. During the process Fred starts out like a child in a candy store, unable to wait for the threesome to happen. As the threesome grows closer, Fred becomes insecure but does not say anything to his wife, Ginger, because he does not want to deny her having a threesome. When they have the threesome Fred becomes more insecure leaving in the middle of the threesome in tears and accusing Ginger of cheating.

In the above example, it is arguable at least two issues in the couple’s relationship exist. The first is insecurity.  Granted, there is a level of insecurity in most relationships but in this situation being confronted with a threesome brought forward the issue of insecurity and the issue impacted the relationship. Second issue is communication and more precisely the fear of discussing an uncomfortable subject. Had the couple talked about what a threesome might be like for them, the issues around them, and discussed the feelings of insecurity then Fred may not have become upset.

Final example, another fictitious couple Barney and Betty have a threesome. Throughout the process they talk about their feelings, about issues that come up, and plan a threesome that is agreeable to the both of them. After the threesome they talk about how the threesome left them and discuss their next steps. They find the process of communication and providing for each other’s pleasure has brought them together.

We have planned our threesome does it means it will go as planned?

By planning a threesome it helps those involved identify risk, determine their impact on the relationship, and determine what needs to be done. Unfortunately, the best of planning still leaves the chance something was missed or something unexpected may happen.

How would you describe having a threesome?

If you ask 100 people who had a threesome they will give you 100 different answers. The best way, this author believes, is describing it as a roller-coaster rid. This means it can be scary at time but if enjoyed, this author feels, it can be exciting.  Also, the roller-coaster analogy is used to describe the feelings an individual may go through from feeling insecure to total arousal in a matter of minutes.

My partner has stated during foreplay they would love to have a threesome but after sex says they do not want a threesome, what am I to do?

This is typically referred to as “mixed signals.” There are many explanations as to why this occurs but it is a sign that your partner is not ready for a threesome. They may mentally like the idea; however at an emotional or social level they may not be ready for it. In this author’s opinion, the best thing that can be time is to give your partner time and not push the idea. When the opportunity arises openly and honestly talks to them about the idea.

I have tried to bring up the idea of having a threesome with my partner but they refuse, how can I convince them?

There is no way to convince your partner to have a threesome and probably the worst thing you can do is to pressure them. Instead, this author believes, you need to first become comfortable with the idea and be comfortable discussing it. This may mean you take time researching the idea, understanding what is involved, and try to find ways to introduce the idea in non-threatening ways to your partner. If you can do it and your partner is receptive then it may mean you have a chance that a threesome will occur in the future. However, not everyone is suitable for a threesome and not everyone wants a threesome. Therefore, be ready to love your partner for who they are and not what they can give you.

My partner / spouse is cheating. If I agree to have a threesome  with my partner / spouse will it stop them from cheating?

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome to prevent or stop someone from cheating does not work. This is because, this author believes, cheating is a sign of a deeper relationship issues that needs addressing and having a threesome will not fix it.

FAQs about boundaries

Posted in FAQ, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Core/Periphery Network

What is the purpose of having boundaries for a threesome?

Boundaries serve at least two purposes for having a threesome. The first purpose it defines the limit of the threesome. It provides assurances that the threesome will not go beyond the define limit thereby allowing trust to occur. Second purpose, by having boundaries it defines cheating. Second purpose it defines how the relationship will handle the threesome. An example is agreeing the decision to have a threesome is mutual and it will not be used against the other in any conflict that may develop.

What is cheating?

Cheating is when a boundary is intentionally or recklessly violated.

What boundaries should we have for our threesome?

Defining a set of universal boundaries for a threesome is nearly impossible since they are specific to the couple and the situation.

Is it better to approach a threesome with no boundaries?

In this author’s opinion, no it is not. Reason being, couples are not be able to expect every possible situation that may arise and by not setting boundaries, it is possible that the unexpected may happen leading to hurt feelings.  If a couple sets some general boundaries it will offer a “safety-net” that the threesome will not go beyond the agreed boundaries.

What makes a good boundary?

  • Boundary must be clear
  • Everyone must have the same understanding of the boundary
  • Everyone should agree to it
  • It should be specific
  • It should be realistic
  • Boundary should not contradict or compete with other boundaries
  • There should not be too many boundaries

Do we need to communicate our boundaries to the invited third person?

The invited person must be made aware of your boundaries and should agree to follow them. This may mean some negotiation on boundaries occurs but for the most part they should stay intact.

If the third person does not agree to some boundaries should we disregard them?

As a couple you should decide which boundaries are essential to allow you to have a threesome and decide which boundaries are not essential. Boundaries that are essential should not be negotiated but those boundaries that are classed as non-essential can be negotiated.

Once we have our boundaries, are they permanent?

As you gain threesome experience it is prudent to periodically check boundaries to decide which ones need to be kept, which boundaries can be discarded, and which ones can be modified.

If we during a threesome we decide a boundary is not right should we discard it?

In this author’s opinion the boundary should stay and then review it after the threesome. It could be the “heat of the moment” is influencing your perception and if you impulsively change a boundary it may cause issues later.

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Frequently Asked Questions choosing a third person for a threesome

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

Risk

Is choosing a co-worker, a friend, or an ex a good choice for inviting as the third to a threesome?

Generally speaking they are convenient since you know them and you have some type of a relationship with them. However, each poses a risk and the risk normally outweighs any advantage. Therefore, the general rule is co-workers, friends, and exes tend not to make a good choice for a threesome.

Where can we find a third for our threesome?

The locations you can search are unlimited. Probably the most common ones are on-line dating web sites, swinger / lifestyle websites, swingers clubs, munches, dogging sites, and lifestyle parties. Sometimes bars / pubs are a possibility. However most bars / pubs do not cater to this type of activity and your advances may be un-welcomed. Therefore if you do look in a bar / pub be cautious and be ready if your threesome idea is ill-received. Finally some may consider using a “professional” for this type of activity. In most locations, including Vegas, prostitution is illegal and many “professionals” carry STDs / STIs. Plus some may be under-age, they are expensive, and many hotels will not tolerate them. Best advice is forgetting about using a professional due to the risk and cost.

How do we select the third person?  

There is no magical formula for choosing the third person and the choice comes down to your preferences. However the person selected, this author feels, should be someone that is compatible with the two of you and the both of you can agree on them.

I want my partner to select the third person and not interfere?

The decision on how to select the third person is ultimately up to each couple. However, this author feels there is less chance of issues arising and less risk to the relationship if both are active in the choice process. One possible solution might be your partner chooses but you have the last say over the selection.

How much detail should we go into about our boundaries?

You do not need to give an hour lecture on your boundaries and you do not need to go into great depth about them. Nonetheless the information you give should be enough for them to understand your boundaries and respect them.

Once we meet the third person, should we have the threesome the same day?

This is a personal decision that needs to be made by all involved. However some couples, particularly those just starting out, may want to consider a meet & greet. A meet & greet allows all three to meet in public and each to decide on their own before the threesome occurs. Such a situation reduces the chance the wrong decision is made and reduces the chance that there will be regrets later.

Anal Sex FAQs

Posted in FAQ, Techniques / Positions, Threesomes by

detail of a Shunga(erotic woodblock print)

Anal Sex Basics in FAQ format

How important is foreplay to anal sex?

This author believes it is quite important since it helps to ease any discomfort or pain. It also helps to make the anus pliable for penetration.

How can I get over the discomfort and pain anal sex causes?

The anus and rectum are not designed for sex. This means care needs to be taken not to injure the person. Preventing injury requires care is taken with insertion, the individual is properly relaxed, and the anus is properly stretched. As a result, anal sex is something that requires time, patience, and cannot be done as a ‘quickie.’

How do I relax / How do I get my partner to relax for anal sex?

Provided there is no medical reason try taking a deep breath followed by slowly exhaling. Doing this a few times might help. Another possible technique to try is liberally and often lubricating the anus along with liberal lubrication of anything being inserted. Also, take time with foreplay to get become aroused and try to include some finger play to get the anus to relax. With that said, based on this author’s experience using enema or anal douche are not typically needed to manage discomfort.

Should anal sex toys be used?

From this author’s experience they can enhance the enjoyment. However for those who are just starting out, using toys should only be used once you learn how to manage the discomfort.

What toys would you recommend trying?

For those starting out I would recommend trying a butt plug designed for beginners. Typically they are smaller with a narrower circumference. This type of toy minimizes discomfort and is easily interted. Also I would recommend trying an anal dildo.

Why water based lubricant instead of the other forms of lubrication?

Water based lubricants will not breakdown a condom where others might.

How does anal sex fit into a threesome scenario

Using anal sex in a threesome can occur as a part of double penetration or between two people as the other watches.

What type of communication needs to occur for anal sex?

The couple / threesome needs the ability to discuss what works, what is comfortable, and being able to communicate comfort levels. Without being able to discuss what is working and comfort, enjoyable anal sex will be difficult.

If my husband / boyfriend want to try anal sex does it mean they are gay?

No it does not.

What are some of the risks of anal sex?

There is a small risk of pregnancy from anal sex, especially if vaginal penetration occurs or no condom is used.  Also there is a risk of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs and UTIs (urinary tract infections). Finally there is a risk of injury to the rectum and the surrounding structures (e.g. prostrate – men, bladder, urethra, colon, and vagina – women).

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Planning a successful threesome

Posted in Etiquette, Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Threesome in the Corner

Intro

Successful threesomes do not just happen. They are the result of communication, a stable relationship, and time together as a couple. Does this mean that every couple that has a stable relationship, good communication, and have been together for several years are guaranteed a successful threesome? No, threesomes fail for a variety of reasons including good planning and so no couple should never feel that there is a guaranteed formula for a successful.

This article will explore some of the necessary ingredients and also explore some of the more common reasons as to why threesomes do not work. This article will look at relationships, third person choice, communication, and then finally at some of the more common reasons about why a threesome may fail.

Relationships

What is necessary in a relationship for a threesome to work? To begin with the couple needs some ‘history’ together. This means that they have worked through some issues and gone through some stressful times together. By having these experiences they begin to develop a coping mechanism that allows them to discuss other challenges in the future. Typically a couple should be together a minimum of two years and preferably five years before considering having a threesome.

Another issue for couples considering having a threesome is the decision to have threesomes needs to be an egalitarian, decision equally made by both, in regards to having a threesome. This means that using pressure, manipulation, bargaining, or any other method to coerce an agreement to have a threesome will almost certainly make sure issues at a later date. Also this includes the reason for having a threesome. If there are feelings that a spouse will cheat if a threesome does not occur, that they will leave, or any other similar reasons then the couple should consider not having a threesome until these issues are resolved.

For a couple timing does become a consideration. If the couple has just met, recently married, gone through a major life stress, going through a major life stress, expect that they will be going through a major life stress then a couple does not have a threesome during this time. Major life events are those events that define a milestone in someone’s life. For each person and couple they are different; however they include issues such as:

  • Major illness
  • Surgery
  • Loss of a job
  • Birth of a child
  • Death of a close family member (e.g. child, parent, sibling)
  • Moving
  • Change in job or promotion
  • Debt or bankruptcy

Finally the couple needs to have developed a bond. This bond needs to be one that is special and unique. Each person needs to see the other as their life partner or soul mate. It is difficult to put into the words the unique bond that is needed. If the couple has not achieved the unique bond then taking some time to develop their relationship would be worth considering. Developing the relationship does not need therapy but taking time together. While they take time to spend together they use it to learn more about each other, develop their communication, and feel committed to one another.

Communication

Communication is an involved subject and much of it is beyond the scope of this article. This article will focus on the communication necessary for deciding on having a threesome. Essentially communicating about having a threesome involves three areas: discussion of the subject, boundaries, continued communication after the threesome. It also means that the communication in the relationship is at a point where each person can talk to the other without the fear of conflict, ridicule, or abandonment. It means that even though the other person may not agree with what is being said there is enough ‘respect’ in the relationship that allows the information to be communicated without fear.

Discussion of the subject

This area involves talking about all areas that relate, directly or indirectly, to having a threesome that occurs outside of the bedroom. It involves, but not limited to, talking about what ifs, scenarios, planning the threesome, and the type of person the two of you would invite. The discussions occur over a period sometimes weeks, years, and sometimes it resolves itself where no threesome happens. Anyhow the discussions have an aim of making an egalitarian decision about if the couple will have a threesome and if it does happen how it will be structured.

Boundaries

Boundaries do form a part of the discussion of the subject but are so important that they actually become a separate discussion. There are two components to discussing boundaries: relationship boundaries and threesome boundaries. Relationship boundaries regard how the relationship will run during the time the couple is active in having threesomes and how the couple will handle their threesome experience once the decision is made not to have anymore threesomes. While the threesome boundaries address the issues of the limits for the threesome. Since each couple is unique along with their own unique requirements there are no set boundaries. Instead the couples need to discuss and negotiate their boundaries.

Fear

One member of a couple may have a threesome out of fear of loosing their partner. Once they go through with it they have a lot of feelings such as guilt, anger, and disappointment. A lot of times they may have problems communicating to their partner that they did not like the threesome and this allows further problems to grow within the relationship until the relationship ends.

Communication after the threesome – debriefing

Once the threesome ends it does not mean that communication ends too. Instead it means that the couple continues to talk about their experiences and feelings about the threesome as long as necessary. Ideally after each threesome the couple has they should, as soon possible, talk about the experience including any feelings that it may have brought up.

Third Person Selection

For some couples they do not put any effort into it by choosing someone they know who they feel is a safe choice. However this can have some very devastating consequences for the couple.

As the couple talks about the type of threesome they want they need to include discussing the type of person they would invite and the type of person they would not invite. This means each couple takes the time work through who would meet their needs. The rest of this discussion will focus on issues surrounding third person selection.

No need to discuss when the time feels right

One fallacy, a couple may believe is, there is no need to discuss having a threesome and they will know when it feels rights. For most couples this is a major mistake. Reason being, the couple has acted impulsively and have not thought through all the potential issues thereby leaving themselves vulnerable to potential issues.

Choosing friends and co-workers

Friendships are put at risk when the subject of having a threesome comes up. Granted you may hear the odd story where a friend was more than willing to take part in a threesome with a couple. However the reality of the story 99% of the time the friend will not be receptive to the idea and even if they are receptive there are added risks that they bring that a ‘stranger’ would not bring. So it is very important that if you are considering asking a friend that the decision is weighed heavily against loosing them as a friend and loosing your partner too.

As for co-workers there are so many issues this author does not know where to begin. To begin with if there is a supervisory relationship or even the slightest remote possibility that at some point in the distant future that it may be a supervisory relationship then avoid it at all costs. Reason being too much of a risk for complaints about sexual harassment, unfair working practices, hostile work environment, and a host of other complaints could be filed. Which means your personal life now becomes the focus of internal investigation and an investigation by several governmental agencies.

Another reason for avoiding a co-worker is risk of exposure. Yes, they may not say anything now. However what will happen if they say no or worse yet, what will happen in the future especially when it goes sour? The last thing you want is to be the subject of gossip mill at work or begin to get the reputation that you are ‘easy’.

Finally the risk for exposure can diminish any career prospects for you when you leave your role. It is better to play it safe by keeping work and your personal life separate than trying to mix the two.

Conclusion

A successful threesome does not just happen. Instead it involves communication, choosing the right person, and being together long enough to have developed a strategy for dealing with issues. Without taking the time to plan and discuss the idea, a threesome poses a risk to a couple’s relationship.

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Moving beyond the initial conversation

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Communication emisor

Communication emisor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Introduction:

As a couple you meet a potential third person for a threesome. Things are going good, boundaries have been discussed, and you have gone back to your place for a threesome. The conversation continues, the atmosphere is electrifying, and it is clear the threesome is going to happen. Now, the question becomes how to move from having an enjoyable conversation to have a threesome? Moving from having an enjoyable conversation to have a threesome can be awkward but if the transition is planned correctly the awkwardness can be kept to a minimum. This article will look at how to transition to a threesome, some issue that may come up and how to bring a threesome to an end.

Planning for the couple:

Nothing should happen by chance in a threesome and the more a couple leaves to chance in a threesome the great the chance, this author feels, of something going wrong. Before meeting the third person for the first time the couple should discuss how they are considering transitioning from having a conversation to actually having the threesome.

From a practical standpoint, by this time it is difficult for them to make significant changes to their boundaries without creating some confusion and it is best to make some tweaks versus making major changes to the plan. Any major change to a couple’s planned threesome requires the couple to ask should it should go forward. It does not mean, for example, a boundary that is not workable cannot be changed nor does it mean that if something comes up last minute that the plan could not accommodate it. Instead it means that the couple will need to accept that with any last minute changes, it may bring about other changes and they will need to be ready to cope with them. Should a couple be prepared for this eventuality then, this author feels, there is nothing wrong with making changes.

Lastly once a couple reaches this point it does give them one last chance to review miscellaneous their plans for safety, give each other another chance to say ‘no,’ ensure that they have everything needed, and agree to work through any issues that may come up. Also it means taking some time to review any last minute changes or tweaks to anticipate any possible results from them. Thirdly it means ensuring that they have what they need for the threesome and any arrangements are in place. This may range from booking a hotel room, ensuring that they have a babysitter for the evening, and condoms. Finally this opportunity is a chance to address any possible missed issue like how to divide attention and rule regarding intercourse with the third person.

Transitioning to the threesome

All of us have different ways of dealing with an event that may occur.  For couples that are new with threesomes this point can be difficult due to the fact this is a point where any suggestion that this is a fantasy, is immediately replaced the reality that it is going to happen. Being confronted with the reality that a threesome will happen can create allot of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear of rejection because like many of us when we are in a new unfamiliar situation our confidence begin to fade. Along with fading confidence, having a threesome can bring about a flood of emotions. Before the flood of emotion begins to overtake, it is a good point to have a discussion regarding boundaries and expectations if this had not already been covered.

After agreeing about expectations for the threesome and boundaries for it there are several ways to bring about the threesome. One way is through a game like strip poker, naked Twister, or by drawing cards with sexual activity written on them. Another way would be to change into something “more comfortable” like a negligee or a teddy. It does not need to be something designed to look sexy. However it needs to be something that is easily accessible for exploration, loose fitting, and something easily removed without much effort. Third way would be a porno movie. Fourth all three of you taking a shower together and last way would be being direct by suggesting all three of you move to the bed. In all of these situations the issue is not what is done, instead it is finding a way to cue that as a couple you are ready for the threesome to start and finding a way to remove some of the apprehension.

The Threesome

If the reader does not what goes in a threesome or does not have an idea of what do then in all honesty a threesome is the right choice. This section will talk about the threesome from the couple’s perspective and some of the issues that can come up. Reality is for a couple that is having a threesome for their first time, nothing can completely prepare them for the experience. It is best thought of as a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. Such an experience can create a cornucopia experiences that can range from exhilaration to sheer horror/ Therefore, it becomes important, this author feels, not to act impulsively / emotionally based on what is being experienced and to act logically.

It is not always easy to know how to act logically and if you feel safety (your safety, your partner’s safety, or there is something not safe about the environment) is becoming an issue then it is best to play it safe by ending the threesome then to risk your safety. Short of feeling that, safety is an issue; threesomes can change your perception of things. For example, seeing your partner having sex with someone else can elicit very strong emotions such as pure eroticism or sheer panic. When watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with some else is easy to think that your partner will leave you for them. However logically that may seem, reality tends to be if as a couple you have a strong caring and loving relationship then it is more probable than not that the feeling is being influence by what you are seeing. For a couple at this point it means they have to rely on their knowledge of the partner and their history together, instead of what they are experiencing, in order gage their reaction.

Another way things can be influenced is instead of watching your partner having sex with someone else is actually having sex with someone else. In a threesome situation it is easy to equate having sex with having feelings for your extra lover. Granted you may feel an emotional bond with the person that you had sex with but it is important not to lose sight that the purpose of the encounter is about physical enjoyment, not emotional attachment. It is important that you find a way to reconnect with your partner as soon as possible. This may mean that you do not have the third person stay in the same bed with you, if they are staying the night or they return to their hotel room if a room was rent. Additionally it may mean that you develop a circle of people who share a similar interest in order to prevent attachment to one particular person or you limit your encounters to one-off situations. Finally this means if you feel an attachment beginning to form with someone, it is immediately brought to your partner’s attention along with ending the relationship with the third. Reason for providing a few suggestions is to prevent attachment is and to preserve your relationship with your partner by keeping emotions separate from sex.

Final way a threesome can bring issues is by the emotional turmoil it can create, especially after the threesome. Up until the threesome happens each participant has the ability to stop it from happening but once it happens there is no way it can be undone. Furthermore there is no way that as a participant in a threesome you will exactly know how you will react until it happens. This is in part due to be being a new experience for you but it is also, in part, due to the activity is readily publicly discussed because it goes against what we have learned about relationships since we were young. The lack of public acceptance of the activity for some can create an emotional dissonance. Emotional dissonance, conflict of feelings, can cause a variety of reactions from anger, to withdrawal, and destruction of the relationship. There is no way to prevent any of the above problems. However a relationship that is stable, with good communication, and a relationship that has matured over a few years can help in alleviating some of these issues.

After the threesome

Many people feel that once the threesome ends and if it ends successfully then there is nothing more that needs to be done. Reality is as you begin to come down the “adrenaline high” from having the threesome and begin facing the reality of what has happened means your perception about what happened may change. Over the coming days, weeks, or even month afterwards there may be some unresolved issues. Unresolved issues can be feeling unsure about an action, feeling guilty about enjoying the experience, being aroused by the threesome to something more involved such as dealing with a boundary that was crossed or development of feelings for the third.  This means taking the time to talk about the experience and do “spot checks” to ensure that there are not unresolved issues that have not been brought up. Should an issue be brought up then it needs to be worked through, understand why it happened, and how it can be addressed. From there determining the next step for you as a couple and if a threesome will be something you want to participate in again Should as a couple you want to consider participating in a threesome again the process begins again by re-examining the boundaries, the choice of the third, and structure of the threesome in order to decide what needs to be changed. At this point communication is about preserving the relationship and learning from the experience so that the relationship can move forward.

Conclusion:

Planning a threesome can take a lot of preparation and probably one of the most difficult parts to plan is transitioning from having a threesome to actually having one. If a couple can take the lead in transitioning to a threesome and is able to do it successfully then the threesome should be enjoyable.

During the threesome the couple needs to be aware there perception may change and not to react too emotionally to a situation unless they feel their safety is at risk. Instead they should wait to discuss anything with their partner after the threesome and discuss it as a part of their debriefing process. The more communication that occurs then the more likely the couple will have a successful threesome

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FAQ about threesomes for couples – Part 1

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

Do we need to practice safe-sex since my partner / spouse has undergone sterilization?

Safe-sex goes beyond preventing pregnancy and it involves protecting yourself against STDs / STIs. Being sterilized will not protect against the risk of STIs / STDs.

Having a threesome will improve our relationship?

Having threesome will not necessarily improve a relationship and it can destroy it. How a threesome will impact a relationship is dependent on several factors and the impact may not be known for some time. This may mean the short-term impact is negative but the long-term impact is good.  It also means how the couple works through the impact and communicate may be the best indicator of how the threesome will impact them.

Having boundaries mean I will be restricting my partner’s enjoyment and it is best not to have boundaries?

Boundaries act as a safety-net and define the limits of the threesome. By having boundaries it means each can emotionally prepare themselves for the threesome and reduce the chance of the unexpected happening (e.g. anal sex when the implied expectation was vaginal penetration).

Is Having a threesome is cheating?

Cheating is a term that is define by each couple and therefore, is difficult to define. In the context of a threesome, this author feels, cheating occurs when boundaries have been violated. This means as long as the boundaries are maintained then no cheating has occurred.

My partner has stated during foreplay they want to have a threesome, I should arrange it for them?

There is a difference between the fantasy of a threesome during foreplay and actually having one. During the fantasy you can be the director, the writer, the producer, the actor, and determine the outcome. However, in reality, you can only control your reactions.

If I Say yes to a threesome then I cannot change my mind?

A threesome can only happen if all three participants agree to it and each person in a threesome has a right to say no at any time.

When is a good time to have a threesome?

It is easier to discuss when having a threesome is bad for a couple just starting out with having a threesome, this includes:

  • Major life event (e.g. death of someone close, a major illness)
  • A period of stress or conflict in the relationship
  • A history or an episode of infidelity
  • Not being a committed monogamous couple for at least 2 – 5 years
  • Not feeling comfortable enough to discuss any issue with your partner or there are implied topics that are not discussed in the relationship.

How can I know be certain if we decide to have a threesome it will be successful?

There is no way to know with 100% accuracy. The best way, this author feels, is to consider the following the list below and the list below is only meant as a guide, not a guarantee.

  • Both of you are secure enough in your relationship whereby having sex with someone else will not destroy the relationship.
  • You are secure enough in your relationship you can have sex with someone else in front of your partner or you are secure enough in your relationship whereby you can watch your partner having sex with someone else.
  • As a couple the two of you can talk about any subject and there are no off limit topics
  • As a couple you have been together at a minimum for 2 – 5 years.
  • The planning of the threesome has involved both of you; it is not a surprise threesome and it is not a threesome where all of the planning has fallen on one individual
  • There has been no force, coercion, pressure, or manipulation used in deciding to have a threesome.
  • The reason for having a threesome does not include the preventing of cheating, “adding spice” to the relationship, or having a threesome due to the sex becoming routine.
  • Decision to have a threesome is not made shortly after a major life event (e.g. marriage, death of a loved one, major move, etc).

Mixed Signals – What do they mean?

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

The lights are low, your partner is in the mood and then you bring up your fantasy of having a threesome. Shockingly, your partner is receptive to the idea of having a threesome and they are getting quite aroused by the idea. By seeing them aroused, you begin believing your fantasy is about to come true. However, they cum and fall asleep then the next morning you attempt to plan the threesome only to find they no longer want to go through with it. What has happened in less than 24 hours? Does this sound familiar?

Most likely the above situation, at a minimum, leads to confusion and at worst leads to conflict in the relationship. Mixed signals, as it is sometimes termed, can be confusing for those wanting to have a threesome a threesome but lack the understanding of the process. This type of situation is common when there is, typically at some level, an interest in having a threesome but the individual is conflicted about having a threesome. The conflict stems, this author believes, from resolving the desire to have a threesome against various other sources such as personal beliefs, society’s expectations, religious beliefs, and the individual’s previous experience with the topic. It does not mean, at their core they want to have a threesome and looking for approval to have one. Instead it means there is openness to the subject but the person’s beliefs is preventing them from embracing the idea. Essentially this means they find the fantasy of having a threesome arousing but when confronted with the realities of having a threesome; it means there is some reservation about going through with it.

This leads to another topic, understanding the difference between fantasy and the reality of having a threesome. In the fantasy threesome you are the director, the actor, the writer, and have control over the scene. It means you can control the outcome, the reactions, and how it sets up. However, in reality you are one of three individuals in the threesome and you are the one who has control over your reactions. By being responsible for your reactions, it means you are not in control of the other two.

Is there a way to overcome their resistance? Personal beliefs are very difficult to overcome since it forms the person’s personality and it is based on a lifetime of learning. Instead the best way to handle this situation is not to pressure, manipulate, coerce, or get the person high / drink to get your threesome. Instead it is best to leave the subject alone for a period of time, working on building your relationship with them, and work at making them feel secure in their relationship with you.  Then after a period of at least year, coming back to the subject and seeing if there is a change and if there is a change then it may mean they have had time to process the idea. However, if they are still resistant to it then it may be something that does not materialize or it may mean it may take years before they are ready.

Having a threesome is not a sprint but more like a marathon. It is important to pace yourself, to plan it out, and to give it time without pressure. Also it is important to remember, there is no fixed time for a threesome to happen and each threesome happens on their own time. If it does not happen then it is important to remember to love your partner / spouse for who they are and not for what they can give you.  If you can do that then you will be happy whatever they outcome maybe.