Monthly Archives: October 2012

Threesome stages

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Threesome clothes pins

Introduction

The purpose of this article is providing some guidance regarding the progression that the discussion about a threesome can occur. It is not a definitive guide and is only meant as a basic resource. Also this guide meant to be a basic resource documenting the threesome process between couples. It is important to note not all couples will go through all stages, some may go through them faster and some may go through them in a different order. Finally by using this guide it can help a couple determine where they are at in the threesome process and if they feel they have missed a stage then it might be a sign they have omitted something that needs to happen. If a couple feels they have missed something then it could indicate a potential problem might occur and before proceeding to have a threesome then the couple should determine what else needs to occur before the threesome happens.

1) Pre-Planning

Pre-meeting is the point at which the idea of having a threesome remains aloof and abstract. It is the point where the couple explores the idea with no formal contact is made with a potential third person.

Fantasy Exploration

At this stage the idea of having a threesome is theoretical and abstract. This means the idea is explored globally in a non-threatening way, such as sharing a fantasy during foreplay and the specifics about having a threesome evades the couple. Below are two possible strategies employed to test the idea of having a threesome is seen as something that will happen in the distant future. Essentially this stage is where the couple tries getting comfortable enough with the idea by exploring the idea as a theoretical idea before moving to discuss the idea as a possibility.

Foreplay / Bedroom

This is where the idea can be informally introduced as a part of “pillow talk” or introduced as a part of foreplay.  Introducing the idea of having a threesome through foreplay or “pillow-talk” does not always happen first and sometimes it might happen later in the process. The purpose here, this author feels, is to gage their partner’s reaction to the idea and present it in a non-threatening way.  Furthermore this stage differs from using fantasy as a role-playing tool since the idea of having a threesome is still foreign to the couple and the fantasy is very intangible that is missing a lot of the elements that are required for role-playing.

At this point, it is impossible to plan a threesome since the discussions is about the fantasy of having a threesome rather than the reality of it thereby being impossible to know what each person feels about the idea of having a threesome.

Discretely Testing the Idea

The idea maybe tested before talking about the idea. Typically this could involve talking about topics relating to threesomes such as cheating, what makes a relationship last, or media topics relating to threesomes. Alternatively this may show up in other ways such as watching threesome porn or talking about celebrities or people they find attractive. This approach is very broad gauge that may not always be accurate, about general attitudes towards threesomes and how their partner might respond to the suggestion of having a threesome.

2) Planning

Up until now the idea of having a threesome remained abstract and theoretical. During this stage the idea begins moving from being something intangible to something more tangible. Planning means, initial steps are taken planning the threesome and if this stage is successful then steps are taken to find a third person. Normally the planning stage will occur first and once enough discussion has occurred here and an understanding regarding the structure of the threesome is agreed then meeting the third person occurs. Once the couple meets the third person this stage then occurs simultaneously with the meeting stage, as the couple further review, modifies, and make any changes to their initial plan.

Initial Discussion

There is some indication, either through fantasy exploration or desire to have a threesome that a conversation regarding having a threesome occurs outside of the bedroom. At this stage, the idea of having a threesome becomes tangible. Discussing what it might like to have a threesome, the potential impact, and issues may occur on a global scale. However the specifics of the threesome, the timing of it, and if it is going to happen still remain somewhat intangible. Many couples do not get beyond this stage due to personal beliefs or the threesome being proposed is not the type of threesome they want; however those who can get beyond this stage will begin further discussions regarding having a threesome.

Further Discussions

This may occur shortly after the initial discussion or a significant time after the initial discussion. These discussions regard more specific aspects of having a threesome, such as boundaries, the type of person to invite, and where to have it. The timing of this stage may take anywhere from a very short amount of time to a few years to complete.

Simulating / Testing the Idea

This is an optional stage where the couple may find ways of getting comfortable with the idea of having a threesome or understanding how they might react. At this stage the couple may try role playing the idea, going to a lap dance club, posting photos on the internet, or other ways of testing their level of comfort with the idea. In many ways this optional stage is meant to give the couple an opportunity to take “baby steps” towards having a threesome. It does not mean they will have one but it serves as a way of preparing to have one.

Search

At this point enough communication has occurred that indicates there is an interest in having a threesome either by agreement to begin the search or behavior indicating an interest exists. Once searching begins it is usually done in conjunction with the further discussion stage to ensure the threesome is being handled correctly.

3) Meeting

At this stage, based on the couple’s discussion during the planning phase, the couple has begun searching for a third person to join them in a threesome.

Initial Contact

Depending on the strategy used the initial contact can be either via email or in person.  During this stage the couple and the third person discover more about each other.

Meeting the Third Person (Optional)

If the initial conversations occurred via email then a meeting is arranged. All three meet and if the agreement is made there is enough common interest for a threesome to occur then it will occur. The threesome might occur immediately after or it might occur shortly thereafter if the meeting was a meet and greet.

4) Threesome

At this stage the threesome occurs as planned

5) Post Threesome

Debriefing

Couple talks through the threesome and finds a way to reconnect afterwards. This does not necessarily need to be a long drawn out process and can be done fairly quickly.

Next Steps

After the threesome has occurred the couple decides if they will continue with having another threesome of if they are going to take a break.

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Simulating a threesome

Posted in Techniques / Positions, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Introduction

How do you have a threesome without actually having it? Maybe your question is, how do you take small steps that safely allows exploring the idea of having threesome? Answer, there are a variety of ways and this article will examine a few of the techniques available.

Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk:

Sharing the idea as a fantasy as a part of foreplay, during sex, after sex is a great way for creating an erotic encounter or maintaining interest. The great thing about this is it can be spontaneous where your minds can run wild, it is easy for each person to maintain their comfort zone and it does not require a lot of preparation. A major drawback, it is easy for the line between fantasy and reality to become blurred. Unless the discussion shifts from fantasy to discussing the making it a reality during the ‘cold-hard light of day’ then assume the idea remains a fantasy.

Watching Porn

At first I debated if this should be included in the ‘Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk,’ section and I decided to make its own section. Watching threesome porn, this author feels, is a great way to share the fantasy and if the couple chooses, us it as a way to start the discussion about having a threesome. Also, it can serve as a way to get new techniques and ideas for fantasies. It is important to remember porn is fantasy that shows professional actors acting about a threesome fantasy. This means it is unrealistic to expect a real threesome to be similar to a porn movie.

Role Playing

Role playing a threesome essentially is simulating the idea of having a threesome as real for the couple as possible. Before the role play starts a safe-word, a word that could not be confused as a part of the act, should be chosen and used to stop the role play if it becomes too uncomfortable for a participant. Next step involves the role-play itself. It can be as simple as a fantasy description during foreplay using toys or fingers to simulate the third person. On the more elaborate side, it can be an elaborate play whereby the couple develops a scene. The scene can be the woman going into a bar flirting with another guy while her partner watches from a distance or it can be her male partner pretending to be someone else who seduces her without her husband knowing about it. It is important to note, if the scene involves people who may unknowingly participate it can cause problems and potentially put safety at risk. Finally even though simulating a threesome may be arousing actually having one maybe different. Therefore, it is always to important to remember there is a difference between the fantasy of having a threesome and actually having a threesome. The difference lies in the fact during the fantasy each participant remains in control of what happens but during a real threesome the ability to control the situation, to a great extent is lost, since the outcome is dependent on the third person’s interaction with the couple.

Sex Toys

Sex toys provide a great way to explore the idea of having a threesome without actually having one. They can be used in conjunction with role playing or used on their own. This is one area where creativity and imagination can be limitless.

Lap Dancing Club

Attending a lap dancing club is another way to simulate having a threesome but be prepared to be charged money. By attending a lap dancing club the sex is simulated and usually with the client not being able to touch the dancer. It can give a powerful visual representation of what a threesome might be like but again it is not a real threesome.

Swingers Club

There is a misrepresentation that you must participate if you go to a swingers club and generally speaking it is not the case. Attending a swingers club to meet people and to watch can provide a perspective that may not be open to you. It can provide some insight and make having a threesome as real as possible without actually having it. With that said, it is important to agree to boundaries before going and be prepared if approached to politely, yet assertively, tell people that you are not looking to play that evening. If you are not comfortable telling people ‘no’ then you may find putting yourself and / or your partner in a situation that they would rather not find themselves. Finally before going for your first time it is recommended to contact the club. They will advise you and arrange for you to join. Normally a swingers club will charge a membership fee. Usually the fee is to meet legal requirements along with attracting the type of clientele they want.

Soft-swinging

As an author, I debated if I should include soft-swinging since it involves another person. However after much though I decided to include it since it does not involve having sex with the third person and in my view, soft-swinging is the closest the couple can have simulating a threesome without it actually occurring. Soft-swinging by definition means sexual activity does occur but penetration does not. This can be anything from having someone watch you having sex to kissing, fondling with clothes all the way to rimming. As a technique for simulating a threesome soft-swinging can provide a transition for a couple wanting a full-swap threesome but is not ready for it. Likewise for a couple who wants to remain monogamous to each other then soft-swinging can provide the best of both worlds, the ability to have a limited threesome while remaining monogamous to each other.

Posting Pictures on amateur sites:

Nothing can be more exciting than taking a few suggestive then posting online and then reading the comments. The comments then can serve as fuel for further fantasies, give further ideas, and add a few sparks back. If you are going to do the above then ensure the whole process is transparent (e.g. user name, password, and all information is accessible) and boundaries are agreed about how far the experience will go. It is easy to to get ‘taken-away’ by the moment and go further then you might be willing to go.

Web Cam

Some may remember when web cams first came out, the issues with video streaming and having the computer recognize the camera. With web cams becoming inexpensive, high speed broadband, and faster processors the problems with web cams have been resolved. For a couple that wants the experience of having a threesome without the STD / STI then “camming” provides an alternative. Probably the biggest drawback, in this author’s opinion, for “camming” is the risk of being discovered or your computer being hit by a virus. The latter can be reduced by using good internet security software, using reputable sites, and practicing safe internet surfing habits.

Conclusion

The above does show there is a way a couple, who may want a threesome but is reluctant to have a full-swap, can explore their interest without actually having a threesome.  Each option has its advantages, disadvantage, and risks; however, it is up to each couple to decide which one(s) suits them the best.

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Suggesting a threesome – What does it mean?

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Indian bisexual ménage à trois. Miniature from...Does Suggesting a Threesome Means the Relationship is over?

Introduction

Imagine your significant other stating, “I want a threesome,” and with those four words, your world suddenly changes. All of a sudden a flurry of emotions hit you and it feels as though your relationship is over. After the emotions hit then the deluge of questions come: How could they suggest it? Why am I not good enough? Are they bisexual? Don’t they love me? These are some of the questions that play like a tape in your head. How do you respond? Do you cry, get upset, or deal with it rationally? It seems beyond any logical explanation as to why after years of being together your partner suddenly suggests a threesome. Before responding, it might be worth reading this article and thinking through your response.

Reality, there are many reasons as to why your partner may have suggested a threesome that seems, ‘out of the blue’ and the starting point is to examine the events leading up to the suggestion in order to get some context. This article will examine some of the possible reasons and perceived reasons why they may ask for a threesome.

They have someone in mind

It is possible there is someone else and by asking the right questions it will become clearer. Even if they have approached someone it could mean they are overly enthusiastic about the idea because they thought you would agree and therefore, it is important that you speak with them about it before deciding there reason for wanting a threesome is because they want to be with someone else.

They no longer love me

If they were no longer in love with you then most likely they will not suggest a threesome and probably opt for cheating or leaving the relationship.

They are gay / bisexual

This is a possible explanation especially if there are other signs that indicate this. It could be that they are curious about what it is like to be with someone of the same gender. If there is a curiosity then it may be something they want to explore and after no more than few times it may be something that they loose interest in doing. In many situations this is most likely not the situation and another explanation may better explain the reason.

Fantasy

It could be they are sharing a fantasy with you and as the fantasy is shed for the reality of having a threesome, they may either loose interest or they are moving slower to make the idea happen.

Friend / Co-worker is bragging about their experience

Unlike 5 or 10 years ago, having a threesome is less taboo. This means people are more willing to talk about the experience and share their experience with their friends or co-workers. When these stories are shared typically the more salacious details are disclosed in order to make it more interesting while ignoring the rest. If this is the case your partner became intrigued with the idea after hearing about their friend’s / co-worker’s experience.

Trust / Opportunities

Your partner may have an enlightened view of relationships and sex. It is possible they have suggested having a threesome as a way to demonstrate that they trust you and they do not want you to feel confined to a relationship. Essentially they want to give you an opportunity to explore your sexuality and develop a relationship with you.

Solidifying the relationship

This can happen early in a relationship. Typically the woman suggests by the threesome in order to show their partner they are sexually adventurous and can be open minded. Normally the threesome is done as a one-off or a few times before the couple becomes monogamous.

Comfort / Security

Your partner may feel comfortable and secure in the relationship. Thereby, suggesting a threesome shows they do not see it as a threat to the relationship and would like to explore the idea. This does not mean that they have fully thought through the idea nor does it guarantee that the threesome will be successful. Instead it suggests a person who feels the relationship is working and would like to do some exploration.

Taking the next step / misread cues

Your partner may have suggested the idea during foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of having sex. They may have assumed because you seemed open to the idea then that you will be open to the idea now.

Your partner’s view and beliefs about relationships

It may be your partner has a progressive view regarding sex and relationships; by suggesting a threesome they may be communicating to you their ideas of where they want to see the relationship go.

Relationship issues

Normally this is not the case, but if the relationship has become stale or mundane then suggesting a threesome could indicate that it is be sought in order to ‘fix’ the relationship.

Life Changes

A typical time to see this happening, this author believes, is during the ages mid 30 – 50s or when children leave home. Also after a life event that forces some self-reflection and forces a change in behavior.  Finally as we grow older and have different experiences our views change. It is possible someone, when younger, opposed threesomes but as they age their views change. Therefore it is possible attitudes towards having a threesome have changed due aging and experience.

Sees you as their life-partner / soul mate

There is a theory that states, threesomes is a method of ensuring that a relationship endures by giving their partner the freedom to have other sexual partners while doing openly within the confines of their relationship. By providing the freedom to have other sexual partners it minimizes the risk of cheating and helps improve communication thereby helping maintaining the relationship. This is backed up by some statistics that shows approximately 25% of couples who have been married more than 10 years have had at least one threesome. While 25% is well below half, it is about twice as much of the general population thereby suggesting for some couples it does have a role.

As an author, I am well aware of the ethical dilemma studying an issue of threesomes in married life can cause. Since more statistics regarding threesomes are surveys and heavily influenced by how the question is written and who answers the question, I do not put a lot of weight on them.

Regarding the validity and reliability of the above theory, I believe there is some merit to it since life-expectancy is growing. However, as an author, I believe there is a lot more that goes into a successful relationship than having a threesome and I believe it maybe one element, if done correctly and for the right reasons, can contribute to it.

Finally / Conclusion

The above are generic explanations as for possible reasons why your partner might unexpectedly suggest a threesome. It does not mean the above list is an exhaustive list covering all possible explanations. Instead it is means there are many reasons why they may have suggested it; thereby requiring you to think about your feelings on the subject based on their suggestion and speaking with your partner about their reasons for suggesting a threesome before giving a reply. Only by speaking to them and putting into context their reason will you begin to understand their reason for suggesting the idea and by speaking with them about it, will it help to improve your relationship with them. Finally whatever you decide should be based on your beliefs on what you feel is best for you and not what others want.

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Understanding the basic difference between wife swapping and threesome

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

One of the illustrations of Gamiani, or Two Ni...

 

Deciding to have a group sex experience is a lot being an older child in a toy store. Being older the toy store is still exciting and you want to explore everything. However, at this age there is a realization that some toys are not appropriate for you and other toys you have no interest. So, choosing involves an elimination process that ultimately results in you buying a toy that meets your needs. Choosing between having a threesome or a wife swapping experience involves the same type of elimination process in order to find the group situation that meets your needs as a couple.

 

The starting point for each type of group sex experience starts out the same. Both involve having the initial discussion, setting boundaries, and spending time getting to know each other. Then as everyone begins knowing each other the decision is made, either have the experience or remain being friends. However the difference lies in the dynamics each presents.

 

Wife-swapping, or sometimes known as a foursome, typically involves two couples that have an open swap or a closed swap. An open swap means sex occurs in the same room. This can be a combination of all four interacting with each other or some form of pairing off occurring in the room. When the word foursome or wife-swapping is mentioned open swap is typically the image that is generated.

 

Open swap provides each couple a chance to still be with each other, provides a level of safety, and to say something if they become uncomfortable with situation. Also an open swap allows for the possibility several different sexual activities to occur including bisexual activity and voyeur activity too. Finally it allows each couple to remain together.

 

Whereas a closed swap means there is some type of pairing off and sex occurs in different rooms. This tends to border more on an open relationship, especially if the foursome is ongoing. Also, in this author’s opinion, it means a high-level of trust, communication, and respect must exist.

 

In comparison a full-swap threesome will involve the couple and the invited third person being in the same room.  For the couple it is about sharing the experience and being a team. Likewise for the invited third person it is having the experience.

 

The question arises, what is the best choice for a couple looking to have their first group sex experience? Answer comes down to what the couple wants and what they feel is in their best interest. A threesome, from a relationship dynamic standpoint, is easier due to less people involved and less communication that needs to occur. This means, in theory, it is easier to manage. Also, if it is a mfm threesome then it is most likely easier to arrange and will take to less time to arrange.

 

In contrast, an open swap foursome offers more variations than a full-swap threesome. Though, it can be more emotionally intense since there are more people involved. However, it can take longer to meet a compatible couple. Whereas a closed swap is in contrast to a threesome or an open swap since sex between the paired off couples occurs in different rooms, quite possibly different locations (e.g. different hotel rooms). This means there is a loss of variety but it does open up the opportunity to be less inhibited due to your partner not being in the same room. Also it means having sex can be more intimate and a chance to do some exploring.  Finally in a closed swap it means the experience becomes less of a team experience and more of an individual experience.

 

This means in answer to the question, the couple needs to make several determinations for themselves such as team experience versus individual and variety versus intimate. Only be exploring their needs on an individual and exploring their needs on a couple’s basis will they be able to determine which experience will fit them the best.

 

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FAQs regarding soft-swinging

Posted in FAQ, Types of threesomes by

masturbation b

What is soft-swinging?

The term soft-swinging implies that the couple involves someone else with them when sex occurs between them. However the involvement of the third person is limited to no oral or penetrative sex. This means in most situations woman on woman activity is not included in the definition and the role of the third person includes a voyeuristic element to it.

Does the definition include all male on male activities?

The definition does allow for mutual male masturbation and incidental contact between the males, provided no oral or penetrative sex occurs in the threesome.

What female on female activity does the definition include?

The definition includes kissing, touching, caressing, breast play, mutual masturbation and not involving toys or a strap-on.

How come you have excluded most female on female activity from the definition?

This author believes a strong argument can be made that female on female activity by definition is soft-swinging since it is impossible for penetrative sex without the aid of a toy. However, this author goes beyond the mechanics and looks at the broader picture. If penetration is occurring, regardless if it is a toy or a penis, then it is sex.

Are there any advantages of soft-swinging over a full swap?

The term advantage is perceptual and depends on the planned situation and definition of soft-swinging being used. Arguably soft-swinging may offer a lower risk of STD / STI, may offer a lower risk of pregnancy by the third person, preserves monogamy, and it can give the couple a group sex experience without having sex with the third person.

 Are there any disadvantages to soft-swinging?

Again the response depends on the definition of soft-swinging and the planned situation. Some possible disadvantages may include feeling sexually frustrated due to sex with the third person did not occur, feeling pressure to have a full-swap, and inviting a third person to participate in sex brings up further issues.

Does safe-sex need to be practiced in a soft-swing situation?  

Yes, since safe-sex is more about protection from STDs /STIs than pregnancy. For example, herpes and HIV / AIDs do not require intercourse or oral sex to be transmitted. Instead it requires a person come into contact with the infection and the infection to be transmitted through an unprotected barrier.

What positions work in a soft-swing situation?

Since the third person does not have sex with the couple and only take on a voyeur role, when it comes to sex, then question applies to couple. Generally speaking any position works. However, if the goal is ‘give a show’ for the third person then doggie-style, big dipper, or fusion may be positions to consider.

How can we incorporate the third person?

The response depends, to a large extent, on the needs of the couple and their limits. Inviting someone to watch can be quite erotic. However, if you are looking to incorporate them then there a lot of options:

Two Males

  • Mutual masturbation in order to arouse the woman, to arouse each other, and to provide a sexual release for the third person.
  • Invited male caressing the woman and / or giving her a message
  • Invited male caressing her breasts, sucking and playing with her nipples.
  • Invited male kissing the woman
  • Woman masturbating her partner in front of the third person
  • Woman masturbating the invited male
  • Woman having sex with her male partner in front of the invited third person

Two Women

  • Invited woman masturbating the male
  • Invited woman kissing, caressing, and touching the male or woman
  • Two women physically interacting, short of penetration, in order to arouse the male and them.
  • The couple having sex in front of the invited woman

What advice can you give to single males regarding soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging means you will not be having sex with the couple and there will be a voyeur aspect to the role. Nonetheless, it does mean some male on male contact is possible, such as touching or mutual masturbation. Also, it means that some physical contact with the woman is possible. Next it means if a couple opts for soft-swinging it does not necessarily mean at a later date they will be open to a full-swap. Some couples enjoy soft-swinging and it maybe as far as it progresses with them. This means for you, do not agree to a soft-swinging situation with the expectation that a full swap will occur at a later date. Lastly, it means it can be a situation that leaves you feeling sexually frustrated afterwards. Therefore, the choice is yours; it is important to remember in this situation you need to communicate your needs and your desired activities to the couple.

If we have an open relationship is soft-swinging a good way to have an intimate encounter with my partner / spouse and my lover?

A lot depends on the boundaries that have been agreed and it also depends if all three of you can be comfortable in the situation. If all three of you can be comfortable and it will not destroy the relationship(s) that have been developed then it is something worth exploring the idea. Should all three of you agree it is workable and all three of you feel that you can work through the feelings then it is something to try. It maybe all three of you find it leads to a very erotic experience.

If we have an open relationship and want to try soft-swinging then who does not participate and takes on the voyeur role?

It depends on how you define open relationship and the type of open relationship you have. If it is not a polyamorous or ménage da trios then it is this author’s feeling it should be the individual with whom the secondary relationship is formed. However, if you are in a polyamorous or menage da trios relationship, then this author feels this open to negotiation among the three of you.

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Introduction to threesome communication

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Symbol Table for Non Verbal communication with...

What is communication? To answer that question, books, training seminars, and college degrees have been developed around this topic. It is both impractical for this author to go into great depth regarding communication, discuss Neuro-lingustic Programming (NLP) and communication in a threesome situation. Instead, this author will provide an overview of communication in an effort to give couples and those interested in having a threesome a brief understanding of the issues involved.

Communication has two components to it, verbal and non-verbal. Verbal component composes of word choice and their context. The verbal message in communication compromises a small percentage of the total message communicated, less than 30%. For the communicator it is important that the message be concise, understood by the person to whom the message is being communicated, and that the message cannot be confused for another message. Understanding the message requires a similar frame of reference and experiences. This means the person communicating needs to consider the person, their background, and how they may perceive the message.

The remaining 70% + of communication is non verbal. Non verbal communication comprises factors such as body language (posture, changes in position, facial expressions, and body movements), eye contact, environmental factors, and tone of voice. Body language varies a lot by culture and can be easy misunderstood if the message is being communicated to someone who comes from a different culture. If a person is in agreement with your statements generally they will have a similar type of body language to you. However if they are in disagreement they will communicate this non-verbally such as a change in posture, change in positioning, or changes in language. As you speak and listen it is important that you watch for subtle changes to indicate changes in attitude.

Eye contact, especially in the Western World, is very much an indicator of attitude. If eye contact is dropped it could indicate a lie, submissiveness, someone lacking confidence or someone who is introverted. Change in eye contact is a very subtle but very important indication of a person’s feelings. For anyone trying to get agreement on an issue that they have raised it is very important that they make eye contact and watch for changes in contact from the person with whom they are speaking.

Next to body language environmental factors have a strong influence on how the message is interpreted and received. Environment factors include the temperature of the room, how the room is laid out, the size of the room, noise, the color of the room, and any distractions. The environment communicates a lot in regards to the importance of the message, the position of the position including their belief on the issue, and how receptive they are to your response. Choosing the right location can have a demonstrative effect on if your message is acceptable or not.

Finally tone of voice is another influence on the message. Much can be said about how diction is used in a message and it how a message is perceived has more to do with the voice tone than the actual words selected. If you are unsure about the power of voice tone try saying, “I Love You” using a very harsh negative tone and then trying saying “Gee you smell” using a very happy excited tone. What have you noticed? Hopefully tone has an influence on the overall message.

What does this all mean for having a threesome? Body language will indicate:

  • a person’s level of comfort with a discussion
  • if they are listening to you.
  • there interest in having a threesome
  • if you are moving to fast / too slow
  • level of comfort
  • if they are in agreement / disagreement

Furthermore, understanding body language can help indicate if the person is enjoying something, if they are trying to hide something, or if they are not comfortable. Likewise verbal communication will indicate attitude about the subject. The trick is being able to understand both the verbal and non-verbal communication. If you are able to understand both then it will help with such issues as choosing the third person, knowing how to discuss the subject with your significant other, and knowing what is being said is being understood.

It is also important to understand environmental factors such as smell, temperature, mood, room layout, and other environmental factors can influence a person’s perception. This means when planning a threesome and planning to meet environmental factors need to be taken into consideration.

Finally remember a message has many components that need to be deciphered by the people who are communicating and it is easy that the message is misunderstood. Learning to understand, verbal and non-verbal, communication takes a lot of work and it is something that cannot be immediately learned. A lot of learning about communication comes from observing, practising, and learning from mistakes. The more thought and effort that goes into planning the message the more likely that it would be understood. Taking the time to plan your message and checking for understanding will help to reduce the chance that it will be misunderstood.

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Reconnecting after a threesome

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

The threesome just ended and you are feeling thrilled that you survived without stopping it and without feeling crushed. In a way you feel as though you have just joined an exclusive club and you feel proud that you have earned your membership key. Later, as you begin to come down from your ‘adrenaline high’ the scenes of the threesome begin to replay in your mind; some of those scenes begin eliciting feelings and you wonder if you can ever feel the same about your partner again. Scene after scene continue to play and you begin to feel distant from your partner, what are you to do?

Reality is the above scenario does not always occur. It can feel couples who may have rushed it, who may have not fully discussed having a threesome, or may have been unprepared for the feelings having a threesome can elicit. The answer, this author feels, lies in finding a way to reconnect with your partner. Reconnecting is the way of restabilising the bond shared between the two of you and not allowing feelings about the threesome or the invited third person impact your relationship.

Starting point understanding memories and how they can influence your feelings. Reality is memories are not photographic snapshots that remain with us unchanged. A memory is influenced by time, by feelings, perspectives, and where our attention is focused, for example. It is also influenced by questions we are asked, our relationship with that person asking the question, and our feelings at the time. This means memories can be influenced and it means we cannot recall an event with great accuracy. A good example of this is a crime being witnessed by several people who give different accounts of the same scene. More specifically, it means after a threesome our perception of what occurred and our feelings towards it is influenced by many events including time.

Now, take into account your own person views about threesomes before having it, your viewpoint about threesomes after it occurs, your religious view, your views about relationships, your feelings about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else and your feelings about the third person. When you take into account the above views with your memory of the situation it is easy to understand how your view of events transpired. Therefore it is important remembering how react in the hours and days after threesome based on our memories of it will impact us.

In this author’s opinion, the next step is accepting the threesome occurred and that it was a mutually agreed event. Thereby preventing any blaming your partner for wanting the threesome and you were innocently going along to please them or you went along to prevent them from cheating.

The third step is finding some time when the two of you can be alone. Ideally, the sooner this occurs after the threesome the better, this author feels. Avoiding your partner after a threesome is not productive and it leads to, this author feels a weakening of the relationship occurs through lack of communication. Furthermore finding time when the two of you are alone gives both of you the chance to discuss anything that might pose a problem or causing hurt feelings. It also gives both of you a chance to connect again.

Connecting, when the two of you are alone, involves the process of moving from the threesome and continuing with your relationship. This could mean going out together, sharing an activity together other than sex, or it could mean spending quiet time snuggling in front of the television watching a movie together. It also means finding a way for your partner to feel comfortable with what occurred. For this to occur it might mean being supportive, being positive, talking instead of arguing, and find a way to move the relationship forward. Likewise for you it means finding a way to be comfortable with the the threesome that occurred. Moreover it means not letting any negative feelings from the threesome adversely influence the way the two of you relate to each other. Whatever the two of you do together, it means taking the time to rebuild and strengthen the bonds that you share.

Final step, is deciding what your next step about having a threesome and exploring other sexual practices. At this stage the decision is made, at least for the near future, if another threesome will occur or if as a couple, you will

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Questions for a couple to ask the third person

Posted in Questions, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

English: A schematic showing the polygamy rela...How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?

After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?

In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1)  What type of work do you do?

2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) What type of threesome?

b) Was it a positive experience for you?

c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?

d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?

3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?

4) Do you practice safe-sex?

5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:

1) Can we meet them?

2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?

3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?

b)  How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?

6) What are your boundaries?

a) What do you like?

b) What do you not like?

c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?

7)   What is your preferred position to have sex?

8)  Other than alcohol or drugs, what can we do to help you to relax?

9)  What is your expectation of us?

10) Any questions for us?

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MFM questions for a couple

Posted in Questions, Threesome opinions, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Drawing by Francesco Hayez. Español: Dibujo de...Potential questions for a single male to ask a couple

The power of a mfm threesome relationship resides with the couple, since they have a choice of many men they can invite. This means they can reject the male they are communicating with and choose another.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Reality is asking questions ensures the single male the couple is a good fit for them, it shows the couple he respects their relationship, and by asking the appropriate questions will reduce the chance the single male will be a part of any relationship drama.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the couple. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the single male regarding questions to ask the couple and couples an idea of the information they should be communicating to the single male. The questions are listed from easier questions to ask, from this author’s perspective, to asking the socially difficult questions.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1) Have you had a threesome before? IF the couple states ‘Yes’  then follow-up with

a.   If so, how did each you feel about it?

b.  How did it impact your relationship?

2)  What is the reason for the two of you wanting this threesome?

3)  How did the two of you reach the decision to have a threesome?

4)  What are your boundaries? IF the answer is we have ‘none’ or it is vague then asks as a follow-up?

a.  Is kissing acceptable?

b.  Is anal sex a possibility?

c.  Will you be performing oral sex?

d.  Can I ejaculate in your mouth?

e.  Bareback or condom?

f. Feelings on male on male activity?

g. Any other questions in order to define acceptable boundaries

5)  Where do you want me to cum?

6)  Will your partner be participating or watching?

7)  Will this be a one-off or are you looking at meeting again? Alternatively you can ask, “would bringing in another girl in the future be on the table?”

8)  What do you not like?

9) What do you enjoy?

If the answer is vague or ‘anything’ then potential follow-up questions, provided they it is something that they have not stated    they do not like in the previous question.

a.  Do you enjoy being fingered?

b.  Anus being played with?

c.  Being eaten out?

d.  Do you enjoy your nipples being sucked?

e.  What positions do you enjoy

f.  DP

10) Who do you want to have sex with first?

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