First Time cuckolding: The once in a lifetime roller coaster ride that is worth taking

First Time? No Ticket Required

I remember riding a roller coaster as a kid. The fear of heights along with the fear of falling out that always made me nervous of riding a roller coaster. Then as the roller coaster climbed to the top rushing down, emotional rush as it speeds down the hill.

Cuckolding in some ways is like being on a roller coaster. Once she agrees to try cuckolding and a lot of images miraculously enter your mind. Not everyone cuckolds and a feeling of privilege begins overtaking your body like a tidal wave. The feeling, is like winning the lottery or receiving membership in an exclusive club. It is something very unique. Soon questions, fears, anxiety, and a flurry of other emotions begins to grip your mind. A feeling of being overwhelmed hits and questions such as, is this normal enter your mind?

What is it like during the time from ‘yes’ to the actual experience and then afterwards? What can I do to help me through the time? Agreeing to be cuckold can be a rich and rewarding experience. However until you have the experience, know what to expect, and know the outcome then the experience is best describe as an emotional roller coaster.

The Journey

1) Emotional Roller coaster

After agreeing to have a cuckold, it is common for emotions fluctuate very quickly and to fluctuate for varying lengths of time. In the beginning it is common to feel elation and maybe some fear. During this time fear is quickly ignored because of the surge of feeling immense joy over the upcoming event.

Then as the day gets closer extremes feelings happen. Suddenly you feel excitement and then fear.  The fear grips your mind and then every thing that can go wrong appears in your mind, like a bad dream. Panic can happen and doubts if this is the right choice happens. Right before succumbing to the fear, reality comes to rescue by removing the fear.

Now the day arrives and she leaves for her date. At first a quiet calm happens, feeling like a member of an exclusive club and feeling privilege leads to a feeling of euphoria. As the feeling of euphoria beings to wane, fear begins chirping like a child wanting to know how much longer. The feeling of euphoria stifles the sound of fear but as the feeling of euphoria diminishes like a mother who cannot keep saying no. Soon fear takes over. Is she safe? Is she enjoying herself? What will she be like when she gets home? Is our relationship over? Why did I agree to this when I could have said no? starting playing like a tape recording.

The cycle of feeling euphoria and fear continues. Watching television or playing a game of solitaire is not an option since the emotional roller coaster is creating too much anxiety. Only a distraction can work.

2) Need for distraction

The need for a distraction is fairly obvious by providing an emotional balance during this time that will not cause harm later. A distraction can be as simple as housework, gardening, or going to a movie. It can involve a friend or a group. However, not everyone wants to know about cuckolding or someone’s sexual adventure therefore it becomes necessary being selective discussing the reason for distraction.

3) Desire to push the limits

During the time of joy, euphoria, or excitement feeling like nothing can bad can happen does occur. It leads to a feeling of invincibility and the willingness the change boundaries because nothing bad can happen. This feeling comes about from being a part of a privilege and for the most part, a secret club. However, we tend to forget superman had his Krypton and every club has it rules.

4) Relationship Changes

Through the emotional highs and emotional lows something is quietly happening in the background, change. That is right change to the relationship is occurring. Nothing is frozen forever in time and we are not able to go back in time to fix or prevent something from going wrong.

In a few days, weeks, or months, she is going to have sex with someone outside of the relationship. This will mean the relationship, for better or worse, will change. Change will occur in threesome stages.

First stage is the immediate stage. This is the time from right after she returns for the first few weeks. It is the time when the relationship copes with the cuckolding experience and redefines itself. During this period there is a lot of change occurring.

Second stage is the latency stage. After the resolution of the first stage there is a period of relative quiet where very little occurs. This can last for a few days, weeks, or months.

Final stage is the new normal. Through all of the discussions that have occurred, perception of the experience, and attitudes towards each other will redefine this stage. This is the point where the relationship finally works resolves the issues and defines how the couple will relate to each other.

5) Empowerment

During relationship changes and the fluctuations of emotions that are occurring there is something very quietly working in the background, empowerment. Cuckolding can be a very empowering experience for a couple. For him it is about expressing his desire in an open way and having his desire met. This means he is able to openly communicate his tawdry desire and have it met without fear of retribution. Depending on the form the couple’s cuckolding takes, it can be a way for him to give control to his wife and unburden some of the pressure he feels.

For her is a lot deeper. By cuckolding she is able to confirm her sexual desirability to someone else without fear of loosing the relationship. This can be a very powerful experience because it can show her she is more than a wife, a mother, and she is a sexual person.

Finally for the couple, cuckolding provides a route for improving the communication and a way to get their needs met.

Journey Aftermath

6) Knowing the Details

Trying cuckolding means only one person has sex with someone outside of the relationship that is done with the knowledge and consent of the other person in the relationship. This can be prove a very powerful aphrodisiac for a couple because one of them has an experience the other does not and by sharing the details of the experience it can be something that binds them as a couple.

This raises the question, how do you share the details? From my experience, the best way is to tell it like a story and tell it as a part of foreplay. Focus on the feelings, scents, mood, and anything else that can draw your partner into the story. Use a tone a voice that is  suggestive and inviting. Do not rush it and do not have him just laying listening to the story. Instead have him experience the story by becoming a part of it. Have him do the some of things you were experiencing and encourage him. If he asks any questions be hones but positive.

7) Sloppy seconds

One of the succulent rewards of cuckolding is experiencing sloppy seconds. Feeling her stretched from another cock being deep inside of her along with her red swollen lips and if no condom was used, the warm sticky feeling of her lover’s cum. Also there is usually a subtle smell of must.

Sloppy seconds is a result of an experience each individual openly embraced and something that should be enjoyed instead of being shunned.

For her it is a sign of her desirability to another and for him it is a sign of his fantasy being fulfilled. Ideally they should take time together before falling asleep to share and enjoy the experience together.

8) Best Sex of your life

The smell of sex along with details of the experience and experiencing sloppy seconds can lead to an incredible sexual experience. Especially if it is done shortly after she comes home. From my experience, nothing can compare to it.

9) Improved Communication

After the experience and as the relationship finds its ‘new normal.’ One of the possible benefits is seeing improved communication. Especially feeling less afraid to discuss ideas and an open willingness to share ideas that can lead to an increase in trust.

10) Trust Issues

After the euphoria, from hearing the details and enjoying sloppy seconds, reality begins to enter. Questions such as, what happened? How could I have agreed to this? Why did I agree to this? can occur. This happens because the emotional roller coaster is ending, relationship changes are occurring, and facing the reality of what is happening can create issues of trust. This is normal and happens as the relationship undergoes changes that brings up trust issues. It is important to see the experience as a journey not an isolate series of events and to discuss the issue, in a calm and non-judgmental, manner.

In contrast it is very possible cuckolding can be a very positive experience that confirms trust in the relationship and allows the relationship to grow further.

Finally

Cuckolding is not right for every couple. For those that it suitable then cuckolding can be a great experience for any couple who is willing to undertake the risk, who is willing to communicate, and trust each other. It can bring them together, provide powerful visual images for foreplay that will last for many years, and it can improve their communication. It is one roller coaster ride, for the right couple, that is worth taking.

Related Articles

Cuckolding Guide: Enjoying Sloppy Seconds

Power of Sloppy Seconds

Her first date: A cuckolding guide for her

Her first date: A cuckolding guide for him

After Yes Now What: A cuckolding beginners guide

10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask

Cuckolding for Couples: Making cuckolding a partnership

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Finding the balance: Progressing the discussion of having a threesome without collapsing the discussion

Intro

Imagine for a moment having an amazing heart-to-heart conversation about having a threesome but no decision has been made about the next step. Maybe the conversation did not go as expected, a few months have elapsed, and it is time to ‘test the water.’ The challenge is finding the balance between discussing the idea and not causing a complete collapse of the idea.

Start with yourself

In previous articles the importance of understanding your needs and how you envision the threesome is discussed. This means doing some introspection, thinking about possible scenarios, and thinking about your needs. Also it requires thinking about the relationship, the risks you are willing to take, and how you may react. Finally it involves doing some research into the topic. Without having a vision of a possible threesome, revising it, and thinking about it it is nearly impossible to communicate it to your partner.

Having a history together

History regarding a threesome means being together long-enough where each person in the relationship understands how each other responds to a situation, having a communication style that is unique to the couple, and having been together long enough the couple has been able to work through a few difficult situations. Essentially, history means know what makes your significant other operate and knowing how they are likely to respond. Without understanding your ‘significant other’ the chance of catastrophic failure, when trying to progress the discussion of having a threesome, is high.

Confront Challenge

Academic textbooks are written on confronting and challenging; however for this article a brief explanation will be given. Confronting someone, sometimes referred to challenging, can provide an opportunity to persuade them by opening them up to another perspective by confronting / challenging the flaws in their belief.

Successfully challenging / confronting a belief requires a clear understanding of the direction you want to take with the discussion and enough knowledge about the topic any resistance can be met. The goal is not to start a fight to the death over having a threesome. Instead, if done correctly, the technique can be used in regular conversation and help progress the conversation by alleviating any outstanding fear / anxiety over the idea.

Time

Being human mean we change and being human mean we are not the same person we were yesterday. So what allows us to change? Our experiences, our challenges to our beliefs, and events in our lives. As a result, we learn and make the necessary changes. Regarding discussing a threesome, it can mean resistance to the idea has changed and there might be a willingness to discuss it.

So how much time is needed? My feeling if a relationship is new then at least two years before discussing the topic. This will give time to build the foundation of the relationship along with having an opportunity to work through any crisis and develop a sense of security.

Regarding how long the idea should be dropped before picking up the conversation again? There are some who feel if your ‘significant other’ says no to the idea then the topic is dead unless your ‘significant other’ bring up the idea. I disagree with it because I do not feel it is communication because a need is not getting met in the relationship. My feeling six months minimum but ideally a year. This will give your ‘significant other’ a change to think about the topic and a chance to ask any question they might have.

Relationship

Without feeling secure in the relationship  any discussion regarding having a threesome will fail. This means the first step in striking a balance require that security and trust are present.

Conclusion

Answering the question where does the limit exist for discussing a threesome when there is resistance to the idea or the direction is not clear? The answer is dependent on the situation and the couple. This means history together, the depth of feeling secure, and the ability to communicate are essential if the discussion is to progress. Without feeling this and without feeling confident about discussing the topic then it is likely this issue remain unresolved.

Other articles you might enjoy

https://3somes.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/family-message-about-sex-and-impact-on-wanting-a-threesome/

https://3somes.wordpress.com/2013/12/18/working-through-the-tough-times/

https://3somes.wordpress.com/2013/12/08/what-makes-a-couple-successful/

https://3somes.wordpress.com/2013/10/24/perception-and-cheating/

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Can Polyamory Save A Relationship (and Other Conundrums)?

Can Polyamory Save A Relationship (and Other Conundrums)?.

via Can Polyamory Save A Relationship (and Other Conundrums)?.

An excellent article for those who are interested threesomes in a long-term polyamorous relationship or learning more about it.

Swinging and Mental Health

Positive Aspects of Swinging on relationships

I found this article on Psychology Today’s web site, I thought would share it.

When I first saw the title, I thought to myself this would be another article bashing the swinging lifestyle and portraying those who swing as some type of mental deviant or sexual predator. Oddly to my surprise, this article supports the lifestyle by stating those who swing have less fears, is less jealous and it appears to take a shot at the monogamous lifestyle by painting it as choice that can promote cheating.

While I am glad to read this, the two things this article misses. First research done by other to authors support it points  Instead it is based on observational research that is very difficult to verify. Second the article talks about swinging and monogamy; however it does not define the term. Thereby leaving to reader to question how is each term defined. Is someone who has had a few ‘experiences’ considered by the author to be monogamous or a swinger? This means the article is more of an opinion rather than an article based on empirical research evidence Nonetheless, it is a good article that makes you think.

Related articles

• Compare and Contrast: Polyamory vs. Swinging; Lets get it clear. (marquisexcapades.wordpress.com)
• Defining the Lines: a Swinger’s Dictionary (swingerstales.wordpress.com)
• But Honey, I Thought We Were Only Socially Monogamous! (psychologytoday.com)

Understanding the resistance to anal sex

 

 

Introduction:

 

If you wife / partner is resistant to the idea of having anal sex it is important to understand what is causing the resistance. Without talking to her and understanding the issue overcoming her resistance, convincing her, is not possible. This posting will talk about some of the more common reasons a woman may be resistant to the idea of having anal sex and some suggestions to try to help her overcome her resistance to it.

 

Bad Experience:

 

Probably the most common reason for resistance is a previous bad experience trying anal sex which resulted in feeling of pain or discomfort. Since the experience resulted in an adverse feeling she is trying to avoid that feeling again. Feeling of pain is typically the result of not using enough lubrication, not properly relaxing anus, and not stretching out properly before entry occurred. In essence anal sex was rushed and the necessary time needed to get her to relax was not taken. Whereas the feeling of discomfort is the result of entering too quickly and not allowing her to properly relax.

 

In this case the best way to address this type of resistance is to explain how things will be different this time. Explain that you will use a lot of lubrication and will to continue to apply it. Also explain that it will not be rushed, there will be adequate foreplay, time will be taken to get her anus to relax and stretch. Even though you have a plan on how to address her resistance due to pain, remember people generally avoid pain and seek pleasure. If it was a painful experience there will be less of a chance she will try it again.

 

An Ex:

 

Another possibility for her resistance is an ex. This is especially true if the relationship is fairly new, as ex’s can haunt the relationship. There are two common explanations here regarding her ex. The first is that he may have been into having anal sex and it might have been not enjoyable for her. Reasons why it could not have been enjoyable includes having it forced, he was obsessed with having anal sex, or it was very uncomfortable. In any event the experience was not pleasurable for her and she does not want to experience it again.

 

Overcoming this resistance may not be possible if he abused her or it was a troubling experience for her due to the fact she has negative feelings associated with the experience. Since she has negative feelings associated with the experience she will want to avoid to experience so that she can avoid those feelings. The best approach here is you can allow her to talk about her experience to you. By allowing her to do this will allow her to build trust in you, foster developing communication between the two of you, and develop something more deeper than sex an emotional bond.

 

The other possible explanation if it is in relation to her ex is that it was something that they shared and she does not want to share it with anyone else. Chances are that this is not a reason but if it is this indicates a problem in the relationship. If it is the reason then the focus needs to be taken off having anal sex and focus on how to solve the issue regarding her feelings for her ex.

 

Misconceptions about anal sex:

 

 

 

Anal sex for some can be a very taboo subject and misconceptions about the subject can develop. Some of the misconceptions are listed here:

 

• Anus will not go back in place
• Others will be able to tell that she has anal sex
• She will loose control of her bowels, become incontinent
• If her partner likes anal sex then it means that he is gay
• She can get pregnant from having anal sex

 

These misconceptions about anal sex falls into one of two categories: anatomical or misinformation. To begin with the anus is a sphincter muscle. Meaning it is meant to stretch and close. Provided she has not suffered nerve damage, physical injury, or had surgery to that area then her anus should return to the same shape it was before having sex. Also she should not suffer incontinence unless that was an issue before having anal. Furthermore there are two common misconceptions regarding anal sex: she can get pregnant from having anal sex and that her male partner must be gay if he likes anal sex. To begin with the rectum and vagina are separated by muscle. There is no way for sperm to leave the rectum, swim into the cervix, enter the uterus, and then the fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg. So the risk of pregnancy is non-existent. Finally some people have a misconception that if a man enjoys anal sex with his wife it means that he is gay or is hiding his sexuality, totally not true.

 

Addressing these misconceptions relies on education and experiencing anal sex in an effort to dispel them. Educating her about her anatomy and educating her about the fact that no one can tell, including her doctor, that she has had anal sex. Maybe try reassuring her that anal sex would not occur a week before she had any doctor’s appointments.

 

Relationship Issue:

 

Anal sex at its core is about trust, patience, and communication. Generally speaking this author believes relationship issues generally are not the reason for resistance to anal sex. Usually it is attempted by a couple after they have been together for a while and after they have built up their communication. For anal sex to be successful it requires her to trust you that you will stop if she says ‘stop’, that you will not get upset with her if she cannot continue because it is too painful, and that you will not always push to have anal sex. If she does not feel secure enough in the relationship to try anal sex then it indicates that some work needs to be done in the relationship.

 

Take time to build up your relationship with her and build up your trust with her. Spending some extra time with her and letting her know how special she is to you may be all that is needed to convince her to try anal sex. Also, try anal sex when the both of you do not feel rushed and have the time to enjoy the experience. This may mean getting her to relax to enjoy the experience.

 

She is not interested in having anal sex:

 

 

 

Even though the rectum is rich in nerve, blood supply and some woman find having anal sex to be more intense than vaginal sex not every woman is interested in trying anal sex. For whatever reason the idea may not appeal to them and they may not want to try it at all. In this case it is best to let the topic die due to the fact no matter how hard you try you will not convince her. She will have to come to conclusion to try anal sex on her own.

 

Universal boundaries

What are the rules, boundaries, for a threesome? How do I set boundaries for a threesome? Is best not to have boundaries for a threesome and allow my partner to enjoy themselves? All of these are common questions regarding boundaries for a threesome. Boundaries, by definition, are the rules that are implied or agreed that provide the limits for a threesome. It is these limits that allow trust to be formed in order to have a threesome and serve as a way of communicating expectations for the threesome. Without them a threesome would, possibly, descend into chaos and for the couple it could lead to conflict.

Since trust and boundaries are linked it means having a universal set of boundaries is not possible and it means boundaries are couple specific. Does this mean there are no underlying boundaries that most threesomes have? Not necessarily, this author believes there are some boundaries that are necessary to allow other boundaries to be agreed. Implied boundaries are the unspoken boundaries. These are the “rules” the couple develops their time together such as not going to bed angry or talking to each other before a decision is made. Without implied boundaries a relationship would be paralyzed since the simplest of discussions would become protracted discussions and by having implied boundaries a relationship can operate. However, implied boundaries are easily misunderstood since it requires both individuals in the relationship to understand them along with their limits and if an implied boundary is misunderstood then it leads to misunderstanding.

Are there any implied boundaries for a threesome? Yes, such as the decision to have a threesome is a mutual decision made equally by both partners.  Another implied boundary is the responsibility for planning the threesome is shared. However, how the boundaries operate and the extent to which they operate is dependent on the couple defining them. Therefore, a couple should never assume their partner has the same understanding of an implied boundary and they should discuss with their partner on a regular basis their implied boundaries.

This leads this author to the next questions, what about the agreed boundaries? For a threesome to occur this author believes there are a few boundaries that need to be in place for a threesome to occur.  These boundaries either facilitate the discussion or are needed to minimize the risk of conflict afterwards. However, they are not the boundaries that define the limits of the threesome and they are not boundaries that define how the threesome will operate. Typical boundaries to allow the discussion to occur or to minimize conflict afterwards include:

• Not using the threesome against the other
• If necessary, agreeing the threesome is a mutual decision
• Agreeing to discuss the threesome after it occurs and to work through any issues that may have risen.
• No means no
• Each person, at any time, has the right to say no to the threesome or any aspect of the threesome.
• The threesome will not happen until each person is ready and they will go as fast as the person least comfortable with the idea.

Obviously there are more boundaries that a couple can include but they are dependent on their needs along with the type of threesome being planned. In answer to the above questions, the answer depends on the couple, the type of threesome they are planning, and their limits of comfort. Any universal that may exist is only meant to facilitate the discussion regarding having a threesome or to minimize the chance of conflict afterwards.

Building trust for a threesome

Discussing the idea of having a threesome went well, boundaries were agreed, and the decision was made to invite a third person. Now a rush of questions starts flooding your mind. How can we trust someone? How can I trust my partner to stick to our boundaries?  How can I be sure it is going to work out? All of these questions have one thing in common, the need to build trust.

Before talking about building trust for a threesome it is important to define trust. Trust is an allusive term that is difficult to define and relies more on intuition than objective observation. Therefore, trust is about confidence and placing confidence in someone based on their character. This implies an element of trust is dependent of the perception of the person and the confidence the individual has in that person.  For a threesome it means being able to have the confidence in someone that what they are saying is true and they will adhere to their statements.

This leads to the question, how do you build trust for a threesome? For a couple it means there is enough history that each other has confidence in the other to do what they promise. If the couple has been together for a little while it may mean they need to approach having a threesome at a slow pace since it may require them to build trust as they get closer to the threesome. In contrast, for a couple that has been together for a while, it may mean trust is not an issue for them since they have a history together. However, if the couple is going through a difficult period where the issue of trust is involved then it a threesome will not help them rebuild their trust and instead it is more likely to erode any trust that exists.

Now, the question becomes how does the couple trust the third person and the third person trust the couple? The starting point is the type of threesome being planned. If the threesome is a soft-swinging or full threesome then trust is more about the character and trustworthiness of the individual then building actual trust.  A soft-swinging or full threesome is about physical enjoyment and preventing feelings for the third person from developing. In order for this objective to be achieved, the couple needs to avoid building a relationship with the third person and this means, the contact with the third person needs to be limited. Typically, there is very little time for discussion and a decision to have / not to have the threesome is fairly quick. Other types of threesomes the length of time to build trust varies due to the length and nature of the threesome.  In answer to the above question, building trust is a function of the type of threesome being planned and the amount of communication that is needed for it to occur.

In conclusion building trust is the cornerstone of having a successful threesome and the amount of time needed is dependent on the type of threesome being sought. The starting point for trust lies with the couple and their ability to trust each other. Once they have enough trust built for a threesome then the next step for them trusts the invited third person.  If the objective of the threesome is physical enjoyment then the time needed to build trust is short and is only necessary to the extent that enough trust is built to allow the threesome to happen. Whereas other types of threesomes such as poly or cuckolding will require more trust due to the nature of the threesome being needed. Finally trust is allusive and it is built on perceptions. Without trust no threesome can occur.

The problems of trying to use a threesome to add spice to a relationship

 

 

Trust is a word that is commonly used in advertising in making a brand appear reputable and in a relationship it is the cornerstone of the relationship. It is formed in a relationship through a couple’s history, ability to communicate, and ability to allow the relationship to grow. Once communication breakdown a couple’s relationship begins suffering, needs stop getting met and the relationship begins to decay. Without trust a relationship withers and dies. If a couple allows the relationship to decay long enough cheating is a likely result in order to highlight to the couple that there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

 

In an effort to minimize cheating from occurring couples on occasion will look to having a threesome as a way to manage a partner that has previously cheated or preventing cheating from occurring. Unfortunately this is a wrong perception and leads to further problems in the relationship. This is due to the lack of trust being communicated by one partner to the other and it does not provide a solid foundation for having a threesome.

 

Sometimes couples will look to having a threesome for repairing a relationship that has gone sour, a relationship that has become mundane, or one that is in need of some work. In these situations trust becomes an issue due to the fact both members of the couple are aware that their relationship has issues, they are not sure how to fix it, and are hoping that having a threesome will add life to it. However the reality is the relationship is vulnerable to the influence of the third and it is quite possible that the third could destroy the relationship through influencing one member of the couple to withhold information from the other. Also it is quite possible that the couple will not take the time to work through all of the issues involved in having a threesome, rush to have one, and create further issues for them due to the continued breakdown of communication between them.

 

On occasion a couple will look to having a threesome due to one partner who is easily jealous, angry, or controlling in an effort to show that this is no longer an issue for them. Trust usually becomes an issue at some point due to the fact the suspicious nature of the person and their reluctance to fully trust their partner.

 

In any event trust is needed for a threesome to be successful. Transparent communication, debriefing, willingness to immediately discuss any issues that come up, setting up boundaries, and the following of the established boundaries all go to great length in establishing trust. Trust does not come easy especially when it involves having sex outside of monogamous relationship and a threesome should not be undertaken if there are any issues of trust. If there are issues of trust there is a good chance that the invited third person could seize an opportunity to divide the relationship and issues of trust can fuel future conflicts surrounding issues regarding the threesome. Before undertaking a threesome the couple need to feel that there is trust and the ability to communicate should any issue come up. Otherwise there is a good chance that the threesome will prove to be destructive for the relationship.

 

Related articles

 

• Questions regarding overcoming resistance to threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Overcoming resistance to the idea of a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
• OP-ED: Essential characteristics that every couple considering a threesome should have (3somes.wordpress.com)
• FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2 (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Threesome Terminology (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Writing an ad – Advice for single males (3somes.wordpress.com)
• FAQs about boundaries (3somes.wordpress.com)
• How not to offend the third person (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Frequently Asked questions about choosing a third person for a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)

 

Defining Cheating: A brick in building a successful threesome

Introduction:

The consideration of having a threesome brings many challenges for a couple. There are some challenges that are fairly obvious, like being able to successfully deal with watching your partner having sex with someone else. While other challenges are less obvious, such as resolving the social message that a relationship needs to be monogamous. Resolving the issue of monogamy particularly defining cheating can pose a hurdle especially because cheating is a term we understand but it is a word that has a specific meaning for each person. Such variation can create different expectations when considering a threesome and it if not resolved it may mean each person is held to a different standard. Overcoming the different definitions of cheating becomes quite important in the context of having a threesome since the success of the threesome and ultimately a couple’s relationship may hinge on the definition. Therefore, successfully defining cheating, this author feels, is a cornerstone of having a successful threesome. It will define what activity is acceptable in a threesome and how much tolerance a couple will have between defining what is an acceptable misunderstanding and actual cheating. In addition, this author believes, how a couple defines cheating will ultimately determine if they will have a threesome or not. For a couple, a lot can hinge on how they define cheating. This section will provide an opinion regarding the a definition of cheating by exploring some of the sources of the idea of cheating, then by breaking the topic down into its elements and finally this chapter will propose an alternative definition that may work, for some couples.

The Beginning – Early Experiences shaping the definition of cheating.

It is important before discussing how to define cheating that the reader begins to grasp how complex the definition can be due to varying individual experiences and how difficult it can be in reaching a common definition for cheating. Probably an unifying element is for cheating to occur a breaking of a trust must occur but what remains unclear is what event breaks the trust. In order to understand the reason for the variation regarding the event that breaks a trust in a relationship, it is important to look at person’s childhood. Childhood is a time in our lives where our job is learning. Learning occurs in many different formats. It occurs formally in the classroom and it occurs informally through our interactions with our environment, such as playing with friends. During our childhood we play a lot of games that have rules, as we get older the rules become more complex and we become upset when a participant in the game intentionally breaks a rule in order to have a greater chance of winning. At that point we become upset and claim that the person “cheated.” Then as we get older formal game playing begins to end and we play a more abstract game called dating.

Once we begin to “date” we begin to apply the rules we observed about relationships from adults around us along with our observations we begin applying our own belief system to the rules we feel that should define dating. Early during our dating experience, when a relationship tends to be short-term and we begin to learn how to care for another, we begin to confront the issue of what is cheating. The person we are dating may have gone to the local soda fountain for a phosphate or talked to a person of the opposite sex. Cheating, during this time, is clear-cut whereby any physical contact with someone else, regardless of how trivial it is, or acts inconsistent with our belief of what a couple does, is considered cheating. This leads to a “check-list” being developed because we have not learned how to communicate effectively in a relationship and the “check-list” serves as a way to protect ourselves being hurt while dating. Such a “check-list” defines physical activities we define as cheating and other activities if occur will ensure the relationship comes to an end. However as we get older and become better at communicating, in a relationship, then the cheating “check-list” we developed as young adults becomes challenged. Once it is challenged it requires some introspection in order to determine where our feelings on the subject lie and in most cases the “check-list” becomes no longer is fit for purpose. Should it be no longer fit for purpose, this means some type of change has been made to the person’s world view and it means the person’s definition of cheating is evolving. Moreover this means, the definition we hold for cheating is a continuously evolving definition based on experiences and challenges to the definition.

Trust, the foundation for defining cheating

Trust has many meanings and it means different things to different people. In the context of relationship that is considering a threesome in order for a relationship to last and to function there must be trust. Essentially trust can be defined as the reliance on what someone is saying or doing is true. However when you begin talking about a committed type of relationship, such as a couple considering a threesome, then trust takes on a broader meaning. Trust in this case also means that the success or failure of the relationship is linked with maintaining a trust. This usually means there is an interrelationship between trust and boundaries. Boundaries define the limits to which the threesome will operate and it builds a level of trust, this author feels, by building confidence that the threesome will not go outside of those boundaries. By having boundaries it allows the relationship to function by instilling a level of trust, otherwise this author feels having a threesome will become much more difficult.

This implies that any communication must be based on honesty and there cannot be any deceit. Such a statement also implies there is no universal list to determine truth. Instead truth comes about from the examination of the situation and understanding the person. Furthermore it can be said that trust is a core element that forms a relationship and without being able to trust the other in a relationship the relationship cannot function. Therefore this author believes that, trust develops over time resulting from effective communication, learning about the individual, and is the result of working together as a team. The more a couple invests in their relationship by developing trust and defining their limits of their relationship the more likely it is able to weather adversity.  The trust is broken it may be repaired, though not guaranteed, by re-establishing trust.

How does trust and having a threesome relate? Having a threesome requires that trust exists and having a threesome relies on the fact that no one will break an agreed boundary. Also it requires for a threesome to be successful that each person trust the other two. Having a threesome is not like going to a burger place and trusting that the cashier will get your order correct. In a threesome situation you essentially trust the other two with your life and that they will respect you enough to adhere to the boundaries.

Finally, the question becomes how does trust and threesome relate to cheating? Essentially cheating results from a trust being broken. In a threesome situation boundaries are principally the union of each person’s sexual comfort limit and by exceeding that limit trust is broken. Once trust is broken cheating becomes a possibility. This then raises another question is trust and cheating interlinked?

Difference between Trust and Cheating

Up to this point this author has not defined the difference between trust and cheating. However in this section the difference will become clearer. It can be said there is link between trust and cheating. This means cheating cannot occur if there is no emotional investment in trust being maintained and without the emotional investment it can be said no cheating can occur. Example of where this is a friend with benefit relationship. In this type of relationship, it does not matter if the person is being honest about having sex with someone because the type of relationship is based on physical attraction without needing to maintain a trust for the relationship to exist. This does not mean that a friend with benefit relationship does not require trust; instead it means the level of trust needed is less because other elements such as attraction have a role in maintaining the relationship.

The difference between a friend with benefits and a committed relationship is the emphasis placed on cheating. Cheating implies that violating a trust carries a heavier penalty than a feeling being hurt temporarily or that the relationship can continue without addressing it. In a primary relationship, if cheating occurs it has a devastating impact on the relationship. A primary relationship can be thought of as a couple that has established a relationship but is looking to bring another into it on a temporary basis for the purpose of pleasure. Therefore trust can be said is something that is needed when forming a relationship, regardless of how temporary it maybe. However for cheating to occur it requires an emotional investment in a primary relationship.

Knowledge of Partner, what does that mean?

Before defining cheating it is important to define one more concept, knowledge of partner is a term that implies having a relationship with a person and from that experience a knowledge base is developed. Then from that knowledge base certain expectations, expected behaviors in a given situation, and if the relationship develops long enough a particular “couple’s language” develops whereby the couple develops their own words along with a specific communication style. The communication style and language serves as a foundation for understanding. However when in a threesome situation it is best to return to the basics by abandoning any special words and any special communication style in order to ensure that nothing gets missed. Nonetheless the specific communication style and words could help as a way to communicate interest or lack thereof when selecting the third person.

What does this all mean, a proposed definition for cheating?

This author feels that the definition of cheating can be defined by a couple in a long-term relationship when a trust has been either intentionally or recklessly violated.  Such a definition excludes simple misunderstanding, excludes emotional cheating (e.g. emotional affairs), and instead requires that violating a trust is something that can be expected from the chosen action taken. Expecting an action to violate a trust means that there is an awareness, at some level, that performing the action will result in a loss of trust and even though the awareness exists the individual nonetheless chose to partake in that behavior.

The above definition can seem confusing and this author will present two scenarios to highlight how to apply the definition.

Scenario 1: Couple A (Mr M & his wife Mrs A) agree to invite another male, Mr D for a two male threesome. A boundary for Couple A is that Mrs A can perform oral on Mr. D but Mr. D cannot cum in her mouth. During the threesome Mrs A performs oral on Mr. D that results in him cumming in her mouth. The question becomes did Mrs. A cheat on Mr. M by violating the boundary?

Discussion: This is a difficult question to answer as there are allot of “it depends,” and a need to evaluate the situation in order to determine if cheating did occur. One area to be considered was Mr. D aware of the boundary and was he asked to let Mrs. A to know when it was close to “cumming” so that he could try to pull out? Another question to be answered, did Mr. D cum too fast because of the excitement and stress of the situation? It could be that even if Mrs. A had warning that it could not have been avoided because Mr. D “cummed” too quickly. Third question to be answered what was Mrs A intention? A lot of this revolves around what Mr. M knows about his wife and the current state of their relationship. Also, it comes down to what Mrs. A felt about her decision to perform oral on Mr. D to the put of “cumming” and if she was willing to take the risk that it might be seen as cheating. Finally, did the couple risk assess this activity, meaning did they realize that this was a possible consequence and they were prepared, as a couple, to accept that Mr. D might not be able to “pull-out” in time. My feeling the answer comes down to how important this boundary was to keep, how much discussion occurred, the understanding each person had of the boundary, and given their planned threesome how practical it was to expect Mr. D would not “cum” too fast.

Scenario 2: Using same couple from above, they agree that any communication with the third person would be transparent, whereby each of them would be present when any communication would occur. Mrs. A waits until Mr. M goes to be and uses IRC to plan a meeting alone with Mr. D. Mrs. A does not tell Mr. M of the meeting and he only discovers it a few days later when he discovers a saved chat between the two of him while he was a sleep.

Discussion: Unless there was some agreement between Mr M & Mrs A, such as she should meet him alone or that she should talk with him alone, then it is probable that cheating had a occurred due to the fact, as a couple, they agreed that any communication would occur in the presence of the other. Mrs. A should have known or did know that communicating without her husband present to meet the other alone would be considered cheating since it is in contrast to what has been agreed.  

For a couple wanting to have a threesome and avoid cheating it means that they need to have definable boundaries that are understood along with being agreeable. In addition it means that for the couple they must rely more on their knowledge of their partner when considering if cheating has occurred in a threesome. If a couple encounters a violation of a boundary during a threesome, their definition is quite rigid and do not examine the violation in the larger context by trying to determine what caused it to happen then it is this author’s feeling that couple will face major problems for their relationship .

Finally it goes without saying threesomes are risky, even if every precautions are taken and planned meticulously. Defining cheating and if a violation of trust occurs then considering it in the context of why it happened does not ensure protection from anything damaging to the relationship. All it ensures is that added protection to the relationship is given via communication and agreeing on the definition.

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