Pulling back from the cliff

Kama Sutra Illustration

Imagine for a moment the threesome that the two of you planned is occurring flawlessly. All three of you are hitting it off, flirting is occurring and even some kissing.  Now, you move to the bedroom or hotel room where your partner says they cannot go through with it? Maybe they take on a voyeur role leaving you to please the other person. Frustrated you ask yourself, why did this happen?

There are no easy answers to the above question. Having a threesome is something that is fraught with points where the planned threesome can fall apart and this point is usually the point of no return. This is the point where the threesome can be stopped before anything intimate happens.  Most likely your partner was confronted with something that made them pull back from wanting a threesome.

The reason for pulling back varies but can include:

  • Concerns about being seen     as gay or bisexual
  • Relationship concerns
  • Boundaries not clearly      defined or concerns about boundaries
  • Conflict regarding      personal beliefs / religious views
  • Fear of STDs / STis /      pregnancy
  • Attraction to the third      person does not exist
  • Medical / psychological      issues (e.g. Performance Anxiety or body image issues)
  • Feeling pressure or      coerced into having a threesome
  • Emotional feelings such as      jealousy or anger
  • Environmental issues
  • Vision of threesome being      different
  • Being confronted with the      decision to have a threesome
  • Age of the relationship
  • Stress
  • Life Changing events

Until the two of you talk there is no way of knowing the reason for it. Most likely if the issue can be addressed and resolved then it is probable that giving it another try is reasonable.  If you do give it another try then making changes to how you previously have approached having a threesome, the person selected, and may be try making it as stress free as possible.

Fantasy versus Reality – Part 2: Having a threesome what does it mean?

English: Variable Damselfly threesome: mating ...

What does it mean to have a threesome?

In our mind’s eye we have our own vision of what a threesome will be like. We are the producer, the director, the writer, the characters, the stage hands, and the PR company.  Essentially we are in full control of what happens and the outcome in a fantasy. If we find the fantasy enjoyable enough we might consider taking a few steps in order to “test the water” about having an actual threesome with the belief it will be very similar to the fantasy or be very much like a threesome in a porn movie.  Then that fantasy becomes even more powerful since we are now trying to recreate it by recreating every detail. Finally we ask ourselves is it possible to make a fantasy a reality?

Wading in the shallow in of a threesome, in order to “test the water,” the first layer of the fantasy is shed. We begin to discover there are questions that need to be answered such as:

  • Will my partner be up to  this?
  • How do I convince my partner this is a good idea?
  • How do I someone that is willing to join us?
  • What impact will it have on my personal life / relationship?
  • What are the risks?
  • How do I protect my / our  privacy?
  • Will my / our friends, family, and co-workers find out?
  • How do I plan for my / our safety?
  • What happens if this is a regular thing or my partner wants to continue with this?
  • How will I react?

These and other questions are the first time we are confronted that there is a difference between having a threesome and the fantasy.

If you are a couple then at some point, early in the process, the idea needs to be discussed. This author feels, for a couple’s first time then the discussion does not necessarily need to be a drawn out discussion but some form of discussion needs to exist. At a minimum boundaries, how the relationship is going to survive, the type of person being sought, and how time is to be divided including feelings that it may bring up should be discussed. In contrast for a single person they can immediately begin their search.

Once a couple is confident they want to have a threesome after discussing it then there next step is searching for the person. If a couple is searching for another male then the search might be fairly quick since there is a plethora of interested males. In contrast for the single male the competition is fierce; they need to be able to differentiate themselves, in a good way, from their competition and preserve through the sea of rejection that will likely follow.  Plus they need to accept that it is the couple, not them, who are in control since the couple can be choosey about the male they invite. However, the situation for a single woman is different. She is sought after by couples due to very few being interested and she unlike her single male counterpart has more negotiating power with the couple. This means for the couple, unless they are pursuing another couple with a male that have an interest in a voyeur role, then they could be searching for a long time or may have to court the single female before she agrees to the threesome.

The fundamental difference between having a threesome and the fantasy lies in the threesome itself, including afterwards. Nothing can fully prepare a new couple for the experience. From the outset it requires them to be social, to be honest, to continuously evaluate the situation, and to put feelings aside for the greater purpose of having a threesome. On paper, this sound easy, but in reality it is much more difficult. It requires going against most religious teachings about relationships, it requires putting aside feelings such as jealousy, it requires relying on your knowledge of your partner instead of what you are witnessing, and it requires going against society’s teachings about monogamy.  Along with this it requires keeping to the agreed boundaries, finding someone that is compatible with you, and it requires planning a threesome in order to keep feelings from developing. In contrast for the invited person, it requires not interfering with the couple’s relationship, working out boundaries with them, and being able to keep a distance from them in order to prevent feelings from developing.

This means for the couple nothing can fully prepare them for the experience and the feelings afterwards. Also this means nothing can prepare them seeing their partner having sex with someone else while they watch or have sex with someone else while their partner watches. Then afterwards deal with the conflicting emotions that the experience may bring up and any lasting effects the threesome might have bring.

For the single individual it means accepting the couple will remain a couple afterwards and that your role in their lives, albeit intense for a short-period of time, is insignificant. This means for the most part nothing much will come of it. Also, it means being able to disengage from the couple after the threesome and not interject yourself into their relationship. Finally for the single individual, it means being able to care enough about the couple that your threesome with them does no harm.

In conclusion, the fantasy of having a threesome is a fantasy where everything works out and the experience is the hottest experience ever; whereas the reality of having a threesome is much different. Having a threesome can be quite an erotic experience that you will remember for the rest of your life or it can be an experience that you wish you never had. A lot comes down to preparation, communication, and making the right choices. However there is a part that is left up to chance that cannot be controlled. This means no matter how much preparation goes into making a threesome like the fantasy, it will never happen since there is the unknown that cannot be controlled. Finally in answer to the question, it means anyone who opts to have a threesome should do it because they want the experience, understand the risk involved, and are willing to accept the outcome instead of believing their fantasy threesome will be the same as having threesome in reality.

Fantasy versus reality of having a threesome


Hearing there is a difference between having a threesome and the fantasy of having a threesome is almost like hearing one of those annoying commercials that plays, “Here Comes the Girls,” for the 100th time in 5 days, or hearing the “Meow Meow” commercial. Meaning, it is something that gets said to the point we tune it out and get defensive when we hear. Unlike those commercials there is a truth behind statement. What does it mean?

A fantasy by definition is the creation of an unrealistic image to meet a psychological need. This means, a fantasy is something that is created in our mind that is based on our beliefs and experiences to give us something that we are not currently able to have. It is something we have control over and it is shaped to meet our needs at the time. Furthermore this means, even though it may seem plausible in our mind the issue of practically still remains. Therefore the fantasy of having a threesome lacks being a likely outcome since it is influenced by us and not those involved.

Whereas the reality of having a threesome is much different that requires the involvement of two other people. This means there will most likely be some compromises along the way and it means the outcome of having a threesome will not be predictable since it is dependent on three people. Also it means there will be some risk and to some extent, a loss of control. The unknown, having to take  a risk, and being dependent on two other people makes the reality of having a threesome different than the fantasy.

So, what does this mean when trying to make the fantasy a reality? It means being realistic and not expecting the other two people will agree with you 100% of time. Being realistic means not setting your expectations based on a fantasy and be willing to compromise, when required. Also it means having a threesome will involve risk, based on the threesome being planned, and the outcome cannot be predicted. This means there will be some uncertainty surrounding the threesome and it means some communication will need to occur in order to make the threesome work. Third it means being prepared for the unexpected since having the threesome will be much different than the fantasy of having a threesome. Finally be willing to consider other opinions and do not become focused on your fantasy ideal.