Tag Archives: Interpersonal relationship

Vacation options for finding threesomes

Posted in Threesome opinions by

IMG_8082Threesome Traveling Options

Note to readers

Since this is a free site and I do not advertise, this article will not contain direct links to sites that offer the services described. Nonetheless if readers what to share their experience or wish to recommend places based on direct personal experience then please do so.

Introduction – vacation / holiday offers a great opportunity for a threesome

There is no better time then taking time off of work for a vacation (US term) / holiday (UK term) and pursue a threesome. Even if the break amounts to nothing more than a weekend get-away or a short break. Such an opportunity provides the chance to experience a threesome and minimize the chance of a emotional entanglement especially if the place is at least a few hundred miles away. Best time is when the children are left at home with a sitter.

Forums offer great insight

There are a few UK sites where members share their experiences on holiday and such sites provide great insight into where to look. I believe one of the larger swinging lifestyle web sites also has stories where people went on vacation for their threesome experience.

Avoid Children Friendly and family friendly places

On the surface this may appear a great way to meet someone who is stressed out from a long day with the kids who might be open to a quickie. Likewise it might seem that a couple who are out relaxing while the kids are asleep might be open to the idea. Most of the time this is not the case and adults with children tend not to be interested in threesome activity. My own feeling this is due to the couple, the reason for the trip, and not wanting the expose their children to the potential that might occur if it did happen.

Look for code words such as Adult, romantic getaways or swinger friendly venues

Take time to closely read the description and look for clues in the description. Sometimes words like adult is used. Adult in this context means the place does not cater to families and depending on the locality it may either restrict ages of children or not allow them. Likewise searching for swinger vacations / holidays or romantic holidays / vacation may also provide opportunities.

Since a place may cater to adults, swingers, or it may provide a romantic place, it does not mean finding a threesome will be guaranteed. Instead it means the chance of finding someone interested probably increase. However a lot comes down to clientele at the time, the time of year, your approach, and the type of threesome being sought.

Location

Sometimes going to certain places or method of travel might increase your chances. One place that is probably conducive to a threesome would be staying at a mid-strip hotel in Vegas on a Friday or Saturday night.

Likewise the opportunity may happen unexpectedly. My example is taking a ferry to Amsterdam on a Friday night. We had the opportunity but due to the early arrival of the ferry and the small size of the cabin we decided against it. The ferry company we travelled with does not actively promote themselves as a family friendly carrier and believe because we were traveling on a Friday when it was full, it had a lot do with it.

How do you identify potential vacation / holiday destinations?

Best way is by reviewing travel sites and travel company sites. Search specifically for adult and if the company caters to swingers then look under the term swinger too. Typically these holidays / vacations run higher than average due to a large part of the market is being excluded, families with children. Another option to look for adult friendly places that do not advertise for families. Examples of such places and time of the year includes:

  • Four star hotels
  • Five star hotels
  • Areas that do not promote to children / families (e.g. Ibiza, Spain)
  • Cruises / ferries that do not promote to children / families
  • When children are generally in school. It is also a time of year when less traveling tends to occur.

Conclusion

Having a threesome on holiday / vacation offer the opportunity to have a threesome will mitigating the risk the invited third person will become an unnecessary drag on the relationship. There are many places to find a potential travel areas for a threesome. Threesome forums, the internet, and travel sites can provide fresh insight into possible locations. Finding a threesome when on vacation will take planning, timing, and some luck. If you are planning to take a vacation / holiday to look for a threesome plan on enjoying the time with your significant other and if it happens then it will only add to the enjoyment.

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Finding threesomes in the vanilla world

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Terminology, Threesome opinions by

Longitudinal view of a vanilla flower, showing...Finding the Third Person amongst Friends & Co-workers

Introduction

This topic is a topic that was suggest to me from one of the fans of this site. Vanilla for those who are not familiar with the term means those who do not have group sex experience because they have never had one or choose not to have the experience. Looking for the third person in the vanilla world poses both challenges and questions.

The challenge is finding someone that is interested approximately 14% is interested in having a threesome. This means 86 out of every 100 adults is not interested in having a threesome. Spending valuable time searching in the vanilla world means spending a lot of time of finding someone who has not expressed an interest in having threesome, finding them, and then trying to convince them to consider the idea. Instead of using valuable time speaking to people who have already expressed an interest.

Also this raises questions such as, is ethical to approach someone who has not expressed an interest in having a threesome and trying to convert them? What type of impact will it have on them? Their life? If married, what impact will it have their relationship and family? Where does the responsibility lie for the person trying to convert a vanilla? All of these questions need to be considered when looking for someone in vanilla world.

My view

As someone who has a had threesome experiences my belief unless the person in the vanilla world approaches about having a threesome then it is best to leave alone. Why? Based on my experience, there is enough people out there who express an interest in activity without having to look for someone who have never expressed an interest, a vanilla person. In addition I believe finding someone who has not previously expressed an interest carries its own unique set of risks. The primary risks includes lack of enjoyable experience, which can be due to several reason such as: vanilla person not being compatible, the vanilla person having feeling negative towards the idea, and their lack of experience coupled with their previous lack of interest. This brings up questions, such as:

  • Is it right, morally or ethically, to try to get them interested?
  • What is my person responsibility to them if they do not like the experience?
  • Why them instead of looking for someone who has already expressed an interest?

With the internet having thousands of sites dedicated to threesomes, dating, and group sex sites finding a third online is fairly straightforward. Plus internet provides the opportunity for on-premise and off premise events to advertise online so finding someone that is interested is fairly easy.

Finding someone is easy but the challenge is finding someone that is compatible. If the couple is interested in a two male threesome then provided they do not live a rural mid-west town then finding a compatible person may take a little time; however, if they are committed in finding a third person then it should not take too long. Issues finding the third person, I believe, comes down to one of three reason location, lack of commitment in finding the third person or too restrictive standards.

Finding the third person in the vanilla world

Generally speaking there are two groups of people who fall into this category friends and co-workers. Co-workers carry a lot of risk especially when approaching a vanilla co-worker for a threesome and it could, for some people, be a career ending decision. It is therefore best avoiding approaching a co-worker.

Approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome is a lot like approaching your significant other for a threesome, it will forever change the relationship and it should not be done lightly, especially if the friend is a close friend. Friends, unlike a significant other, may end the friendship at the suggestion or may end the friendship after the threesome. It is important to weigh the risks, including if the friend is someone you are wiling to lose because of the threesome.

Colloquy approach is the best approach when approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome

My wife and I have been approached by friends for threesomes and we have approached a friend for a threesome. In each of the situation being direct was used. Being direct means, a colloquy discussion where being honest about what was being sought without the use of euphemisms and without the use of colloquialisms. It is a discussion that involves everyone and it is not a side-discussion amongst friends. The conversation involves talking about what is being sought, boundaries, and the length they are wanting (e.g. one-off, occasional, long-term).

The Threesome and afterwards

The threesomes we had with friends made the process a lot faster due our familiarity with each other. However it was a bit awkward since we were shifting from being friends to something different. It did not create any animosity between us; however over time we saw the friendship our friendships drift apart until they finally ended.

Conclusion

Looking for a vanilla playmate does not always work out and it carries its own challenges. If a couple due to location opts for a vanilla playmate then the best option is to look for a friend that they are willing to risk their friendship. When approaching a friend it is important all three are present to have an honest discussion about what is being sought. Once the threesome occurs it is likely the friendship will drift and ultimately end. It is therefore better to use the tools available to find an interested third than finding a vanilla playmate.

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How do you know if you have found the third person?

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions by

IMG_8490_pencil sketchAfter Posting the Profiles and Respond to Replies, What is Next?

Introduction

Searching for a third person to join a threesome takes a lot of work. After posting profiles on various web sites and responding  the work can bring 50 – 100 replies in less than 72 hours. After sifting through all of them you identify 10 that seem like a possible match? So, how to you make the right decision?

Making the right decision is not based on an accepted standard but based on the needs of the couple. It is the couple’s expectation, boundaries, and the type of person they are seeking that will drive their selection. Selecting the third person is driven by their discussions about what they want and expect from a threesome. Even when the couple believes they have done everything possible to make the right decision sometimes the unexpected happens. This article is meant to present some ideas on how the decision process might operate but the ultimate decision lies with the couple.

Are you Being Realistic?

Probably the very first question that should be asked, are we being realistic? This means are the expectations and standards being used realistic? Examples include:

  • Meeting someone with celebrity looks and body instead of someone with normal features. Looking for someone with celebrity looks may mean a long-time searching to find the person that meets your expectations.
  • Expecting the third person to be a great communicator and highly sociable even though many of us are nervous about meeting new people. The first time talking with the individual maybe awkward and expecting an electrifying experience probably will not happen.
  • Expecting instant and electrifying ‘chemistry’ even though it may take some work or time before any ‘chemistry’ develops.
  • First-time will just be like the porn movies. Reality is very different from the movies. If for example you are pursuing a two male threesome then it is possible one of the males might suffer ‘performance anxiety’ or due to the stress of the situation be a fast ‘cummer.’ For the woman she many find climaxing or becoming lubricated to be difficult, if not impossible.
  • Believing the invited male will be well endowed and believing everything in their profile is 100% true. Size, in this author’s opinion, should not be the defining feature to choosing someone. In addition, profiles become outdated and they can be overstated.

Without having realistic expectations it means at a minimum the threesome most likely will be disappointing since expectations were too high and at its worse it will mean the threesome will not happen because no one is able to meet such high standards.

Take it at you own speed

Some people believe those who are slow to respond or will not meet after the first reply are not legitimate. Whilst, the point is understandable, it does not take into account the schedule of the couple, the time they have to devote to their search, and it does not take into account that the couple may just be starting out. The best way to approach this, I believe, is to be upfront in any reply, profile or ad about how fast things will happen. In my opinion one of the worst things that can happen is being forced into making a decision about a threesome or having a threesome with a specific individual before being ready. Therefore it is best to progress at a speed that is comfortable and not change it for fear of loosing a possible playmate.

Initial Contact and Sequential Contact

As stated above progress at a speed that is comfortable for you. For couples just starting out my recommendation is to have your first contact via email with a lot of questions. Below are a few suggestions for questions:

  • If using a threesome / dating site ask questions based on their profile
  • What is your experience with threesomes?
  • Have you had many threesomes?
  • If they had a threesome:
    1. what was an enjoyable about it?
    2. What was not enjoyable?
    3. How long did the threesome relationship last?
    4. Why did it end?
  • Are you currently dating anyone?
  • Are you in a relationship?
  • What are your expectations for a threesome?
  • What are your boundaries?
  • Have you ever had an STD? If so, what is it? Are you now clean?
  • What would you like to try / explore in this threesome?
  • Are you comfortable with a one-off situation?
  • Do you practice safe-sex?

The above questions are not an exhaustive list of questions you can ask a potential third person but a sample of possible questions. Then the replies can serve the basis for more questions.

Probably after a few cycles of reply there will be a sense if this is someone that you want to pursue. If you are interested in pursuing them then the next step should be a phone call. Ideally a pay-as-you-go, sometimes called no contract, mobile / cellular phone works great. They can be quite cheap under £50 (UK) / $50 US. Plus the phone is disposable thereby protecting your home number and personal cellular / mobile from being called.

Again, be realistic about the call. The call is not meant to be erotic and most likely at least one of you will be nervous. Instead, the call is meant to make some contact with the other person and begin to form a relationship that could be used for a future threesome. Before making the call the couple should agree the content and purpose of the call. Is it to make contact and decide after a few more calls to have a threesome. Alternatively is it to arrange a meeting to see if there is compatibility? When making the call it will be a good idea if both members of the couple are present since the invited person will, most likely want, to confirm they have been corresponding with a couple. Since it is not a face-to-face meeting and there is a good chance that at least one is nervous or wanting to impress, the call is not a good judge of compatibility.

At some point if there is enough interest, all three will meet. Meeting should not be equated with the notion that the threesome will definitely occur. Instead it should be seen as an opportunity to meet the other person in order to determine if there is enough compatibility for a threesome to occur.

Ideally for a couple who are new to threesomes they should consider if the first meeting is a meet and greet. A meet and greet is where all three meet in a public area but no sex occurs during that meeting. This means the purpose of the meeting is a no-pressure situation whereby compatibility and interest ascertained before sex occurs. Thereby giving the couple a chance to discuss the idea and make the decision regarding having a threesome.

What is compatibility?

Compatibility means there is enough interest and physical attraction by all three for a threesome to occur. At a very high-level it means enough is known about the other person in order to allow a threesome to occur and it also means it is not a relationship situation where a lot of time is needed for a decision for a threesome to be reached. Some things to consider when considering if the person is compatible:

  • Are you comfortable around them? Is your partner comfortable around them? If both of you are not comfortable around them then they are not compatible.
  • Can you see yourself / your partner having sex with them? If they elicit feelings such as anger, depression, or jealousy then they are not a good choice
  • Are their values in line with yours? If you feel they are not a part of your station / crowd in life then it might be a good idea to pass on them.
  • How do they act towards you and your partner? If they show an interest in one then a good chance they are not compatible?
  • Do you feel either your partner / spouse or you are carrying the conversation? Again probably not compatible?
  • When they talk where is their eye contact and who are they including? If they are not making eye contact or not working to include both of you in the conversation then there is a good change they are not compatible?
  • How relax do you and your partner feel around them? If both of you are relaxed and the conversation easily flows then a good chance they are compatible.

Conclusion

Finding the right person does not mean settling for the first person nor does it mean rejecting everyone because they do not meet a very high standard. Instead it means closely examining if they are compatible with you and examining your comfort level with them. Also it means taking a close look regarding your expectations for the planned threesome and trying to keep them as realistic as possible. By this it means the greater the chance the person that is chosen is the right person. Finally, in answer to the question, you know you have possibly found the right person when there is no pressure to meet and there are signs that they are compatible with the you.

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Jealousy and threesomes

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships by

English: The Jealousy of Darnley

Jealousy and Cheating: Monogamy versus Non-Monogamous Relationships

After the give and take involved in agreeing to explore the idea of having a threesome the real work begins. Discussing the idea in detail gives birth to the reality of having a threesome. At some during the discussion two issues are likely to comes up.

Jealousy

First is the issue is jealousy. This author believes jealousy, in the narrow context of a threesome, results from feeling the relationship is under threat and the need to protect it. Jealousy can be a warning mechanism alerting the individual that something needs to be done or it can be something that destroys a relationship if the treat is imaginary. Being able to differentiate between a real threat to the relationship, a perceived threat, or an imaginary threat is not always easy due to the emotions involved.

Fear of Cheating

Second issue involves the topic of cheating and how the couple defines the term in the context of considering a threesome. Being able to define cheating for a couple’s relationship is paramount to a workable threesome.

In answer to the above issue, there is a good general article on jealousy and cheating. This article presents research into the topic of swinging, jealousy, and cheating. However, it does not provide a model on how to address the issues and instead examines the issues from a topical perspective.

This is a great article for anyone who enjoys reading research into the topic and it is written at a very easy to read level. Therefore, I will encourage everyone to read this article and learn more about these topics.

Regarding cheating in open, non-monogamous, relationships. This is something that is defined by the boundaries the couple has established and for the most part the issue of cheating has been eliminated by opening up the relationship. However, the issue of jealousy still remains. Jealousy happens in many forms such as feeling as though not enough time is being spent together, not being special, or having to deal with someone else in the relationship. In this author’s opinion, jealousy in open relationships, not the type of relationship, is a major cause for open relationships not working.

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Wife and Girlfriend reasons for participating in MFM or not wanting to participate

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Terminology, Threesome opinions by

hot night out

Why do we participate in MFM threesomes or not?

Introduction

The above question is a rhetorical question such as, why is the Earth round or what is the meaning of life, that is meant to challenge us. This means there are many reasons why a wife may want to participate in a MFM or may choose not to participate. This article will explore a few of the possible reasons.

Reasons for Participating

Solidifying the relationship

As an author, I tend to believe most heterosexual women are not interested in having a threesome until they are in a secure long-term and stable relationship. This leads to the question how does a couple that is currently dating move their relationship so they are committed or how does a newly married couple transition their relationship to a stable long-term relationship? One answer is by having a threesome. It should be noted that I am not advocating having a threesome as the only way of changing a relationship to a more secure relationship. Instead I am stating this is a strategy that can be used.

If the wife / girlfriend suggests a two male threesome then it could be her way of showing, even though other males are interested in her that her commitment lies with her boyfriend / husband. By doing it shows her commitment to the relationship.

Exploration of boundaries

Couples that are in secure relationships, sometimes will elect to push their boundaries by exploring other options, such as threesome, to find their comfort zone and the degree of openness for their relationship.

Need to feel desired / wanted

Confirmation of attractiveness and desirability can be a strong motivating factor for wanting a threesome. By finding another man that is sexually attracted to another male’s girlfriend / wife, can be quite a powerful thing for a couple.

Curiosity / Something new

By having a threesome it allows the question, “what is it like being with someone else,” being safely and openly answered within the confines of the relationship. As a couple’s relationship matures they begin settling into a routine and sometimes things become predictable. As a result a question may surface, what would it feel like to be with someone else? This, at least from my experience, tends to be a question that comes up with couples where the woman was either a virgin at marriage or had very limited sexual experience before marriage.

In addition with threesomes attracting more positive media attention it means more couples will become curious about the idea and have a general curiosity about it. This mean exploring the idea will become an integral part of many couple’s relationships.

Bisexuality

The husband / boyfriend is bisexual and this was known early in the relationship. Threesome is a party of the relationship dynamic. In the alternative the wife / girlfriend has expressed an interest in seeing her husband / boyfriend with another man. For some women this can be a turn-on for them.

Reasons for not wanting a threesome

Risk to the relationship

At least from my experience, this appears to be a major reason due to the uncertainty that threesome brings. Much of the uncertainty lies around the STD risk, personal safety, and to a lesser extent the third person. This means a fear of the unknown and how it will impact the relationship is a major reason for saying no to the idea

Personal experience / beliefs

This runs the gamut from having a bad threesome experience prior to their current relationship to the idea of having a threesome going against their personal or religious beliefs. Unlike the above reason where time, creating security in the relationship, and dealing with the risk issues that might lead to a future yes, this most likely will mean the wife’s / girlfriend’s decision is immutable.

does not want partner there

This can run the gamut from relationship issues, body issues, or the idea of being watched while having sex with someone else is too much. It is important to understanding the underlying issue for this and see if it can be addressed. If both are wanting the threesome to happen and it is an issue that relates to being watched then a possible solution might be a couple’s cuckold.

Fear of emotional attachment / jealousy

Your wife / girlfriend may fear that the invited person may become emotionally attached. In the alternative they may feel either they will become attached or you might become attached. Thereby leading to a secondary issue of jealousy. While milder forms might be addressed by having clear boundaries, a safe-word to stop the threesome and agreement on contact. A more severe form may mean a threesome is not possible.

Conclusion

The above is just a sample of the reasons why your girlfriend / wife may or may not want to participate in a threesome and if you want to share your beliefs / experience then please feel free by adding a comment. Understanding a possible reasons is not sufficient and only by communicating with them will you fully understand their reason. Only by communicating can you fully understand the reason and decide what is the best solution for your situation.

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Why does my husband or boyfriend want a fmf but not mfm?

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions by

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Imagine for a moment where life ran by predictable logical rules and now imagine having a threesome was a way for three people to have sex without the complications. What would it be like? Would it be more enjoyable or less enjoyable? The reason for imaging such a world is thinking about a question that comes up, how come my boyfriend / husband alright with a two woman threesome but not a two male threesome?

A simple response to the question is human behavior is unpredictable and does not always follow rules regarding behavior. In reality, this author feels such an answer avoids the reasons for the behavior and this article will explore some possible reasons. By writing this, it is this author’s hope that it can help couples explore this topic.

Homophobic: It goes without saying for some guys being naked with another man creates some insecurities about their sexuality and in particular, some guys feel even though there is no contact with the other male it will mean they are bisexual. For some males this creates a lot of insecurity and challenges their belief about themselves. If they have a two female threesome then it will validate that they are heterosexual and confirm their desirability.

Insecurity: Even though times are changing and roles for males are being redefined, this feels there are still some males who feel they are to be providers. This goes as far as being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend. If another male another male is able to this then it means they are not needed. Facing the reality that another male being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend means they are not able to do something unique for their partner and for some males it can create feelings of insecurity for some males.

Fantasy versus Reality: For some males the idea of having a threesome can be quite an intense fantasy and initially they may be quite eager to have the threesome. However, as they get further into the process and begin to face the reality of having a threesome they may pull back from wanting it. This author believes when some males are confronted with watching their wife / partner having sex with someone else and / or realizing the issues it can create for their relationship it begins challenging their fantasy of having a threesome, thereby making it less appealing.

Emotions/ Jealousy / Anger: For some males they have strong feelings and the feelings can be so strong that they adversely impact having a threesome thereby making a threesome not realistic.

Society’s Messaging / Sexual Roles:  This author feels this reason closely relates to issue of homophobia. This author feels, society still rewards males who are able to attract more than one female and values a male who is able to have a two female threesome. Essentially for some males pursuing a two female threesome becomes a trophy or a confirmation of their masculinity by being able to have an experience that many males cannot.

Threat / Loss of relationship: This author will not argue that there is something primal that forces some males to protect their relationship with their wife / partner at all costs. Instead this author feels the threat of losing the relationship or inviting another male might threaten the relationship. Whereas if another woman is invited it is their partner that has to deal with the threat.

Bad / Previous Experience: He may have had a previous threesome experience and decided that a threesome is not for him.

Not Interested: There are some males who may not be interested in having a two male threesome due to personal or religious reasons.

Adding ‘Spice’ or Variety: I do not necessarily believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a two woman threesome. However, it may sought after as a way of trying something different to add variety to a relationship. If the relationship has become ‘predictable’ or ‘stale’ then trying a threesome may make things worse.

Already Involved: This author does not believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a threesome if he already has someone in mind. By suggesting someone with whom he is involved with will mean he will be revealing a secret that he trying to hide and it the threesome will involve a lot of drama. Most likely if he has someone in mind that would like to invite, a fantasy person.

… And Finally: With that said, this author feels each one does not operate in isolation and there is potentially some overlap between the reasons. This means there can be multiple reasons or several reasons influencing the male’s reaction towards having a two male threesome versus having a two female threesome. If there is a solution my feeling it would reside in giving him time along with making him feel secure that the relationship could survive a two male threesome. This does not mean he will ultimately agree to have one. Nonetheless it does mean there are potential reasons for him not wanting it and provide some solace in understanding.

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Fantasy versus reality of having a threesome

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Dobrynya

Hearing there is a difference between having a threesome and the fantasy of having a threesome is almost like hearing one of those annoying commercials that plays, “Here Comes the Girls,” for the 100th time in 5 days, or hearing the “Meow Meow” commercial. Meaning, it is something that gets said to the point we tune it out and get defensive when we hear. Unlike those commercials there is a truth behind statement. What does it mean?

A fantasy by definition is the creation of an unrealistic image to meet a psychological need. This means, a fantasy is something that is created in our mind that is based on our beliefs and experiences to give us something that we are not currently able to have. It is something we have control over and it is shaped to meet our needs at the time. Furthermore this means, even though it may seem plausible in our mind the issue of practically still remains. Therefore the fantasy of having a threesome lacks being a likely outcome since it is influenced by us and not those involved.

Whereas the reality of having a threesome is much different that requires the involvement of two other people. This means there will most likely be some compromises along the way and it means the outcome of having a threesome will not be predictable since it is dependent on three people. Also it means there will be some risk and to some extent, a loss of control. The unknown, having to take  a risk, and being dependent on two other people makes the reality of having a threesome different than the fantasy.

So, what does this mean when trying to make the fantasy a reality? It means being realistic and not expecting the other two people will agree with you 100% of time. Being realistic means not setting your expectations based on a fantasy and be willing to compromise, when required. Also it means having a threesome will involve risk, based on the threesome being planned, and the outcome cannot be predicted. This means there will be some uncertainty surrounding the threesome and it means some communication will need to occur in order to make the threesome work. Third it means being prepared for the unexpected since having the threesome will be much different than the fantasy of having a threesome. Finally be willing to consider other opinions and do not become focused on your fantasy ideal.

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Fantasy versus Reality Part 3 – The Heat of The Moment, Surprise Threesomes and Threesome Planning

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Heat of the moment decisions can wreck a threesome?

Using a threesome fantasy during foreplay, “I can feel his cock going deep in me… harder … harder,” before she explodes with the most intense orgasm seen. Her intense orgasm fuels an indescribable pleasure that has not been previously experienced.  Now, there is an urgency to recreate that experience in reality because you want to please her.

Next, you spend time working through how to recreate the experience and you decide her intense orgasm is her consent to have a threesome. If she was not into threesomes then why did she have such an intense orgasm, thinking to yourself? In order to recreate the experience, you feel, it has to be spontaneous and discussing it would take away from the experience. The next few weeks you spend working through the details and finding someone who is agreeable. However on the night of threesome instead of her being aroused by the surprise threesome, she appears like a deer at night on a dark rural road. What went wrong?

It is easy when being intimate to focus on providing pleasure instead of focusing on their needs and during this special time it is acceptable. However once that time passes balancing needs and pleasure returns Granted needs and pleasure can be the same but at other times they can be different. Pleasure is great way to have enjoyment and have an escape from daily life; however, too much pleasure without also focusing on needs can lead to it no longer being pleasurable.  This means when having a threesome communication, trust, and respect are just as important as the pleasure a threesome can provide. Moreover when a surprise threesome occurs, it means pleasure has been given priority over needs.

Is there a time when a surprise threesome could work? Probably, if previous discussions about having a threesome included topics such as boundaries and some discussion about having a surprise threesome along with your partner being explicitly clear that they are willing to allow you to arrange a threesome without involving them then it is possible a surprise threesome might work. Nonetheless, it is advisable speaking with your partner confirming they are still all right with the threesome idea.

Instead, it is better to talk through the idea of having a threesome outside of the bedroom, not being intimate, and have the time to discuss the idea thoroughly. This author feels it is better to discuss it then risk having all of your plans explode in front of you.

Finally, it is easy to mistake what happens “in the heat of the moment,” as a wish for the same in reality. The reality is there is a difference between what is said during this time and your partner’s feelings afterwards. It is always better to discuss then to assume you understand your partner’s needs when it involves having a threesome.

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Reconnecting after a threesome

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

The threesome just ended and you are feeling thrilled that you survived without stopping it and without feeling crushed. In a way you feel as though you have just joined an exclusive club and you feel proud that you have earned your membership key. Later, as you begin to come down from your ‘adrenaline high’ the scenes of the threesome begin to replay in your mind; some of those scenes begin eliciting feelings and you wonder if you can ever feel the same about your partner again. Scene after scene continue to play and you begin to feel distant from your partner, what are you to do?

Reality is the above scenario does not always occur. It can feel couples who may have rushed it, who may have not fully discussed having a threesome, or may have been unprepared for the feelings having a threesome can elicit. The answer, this author feels, lies in finding a way to reconnect with your partner. Reconnecting is the way of restabilising the bond shared between the two of you and not allowing feelings about the threesome or the invited third person impact your relationship.

Starting point understanding memories and how they can influence your feelings. Reality is memories are not photographic snapshots that remain with us unchanged. A memory is influenced by time, by feelings, perspectives, and where our attention is focused, for example. It is also influenced by questions we are asked, our relationship with that person asking the question, and our feelings at the time. This means memories can be influenced and it means we cannot recall an event with great accuracy. A good example of this is a crime being witnessed by several people who give different accounts of the same scene. More specifically, it means after a threesome our perception of what occurred and our feelings towards it is influenced by many events including time.

Now, take into account your own person views about threesomes before having it, your viewpoint about threesomes after it occurs, your religious view, your views about relationships, your feelings about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else and your feelings about the third person. When you take into account the above views with your memory of the situation it is easy to understand how your view of events transpired. Therefore it is important remembering how react in the hours and days after threesome based on our memories of it will impact us.

In this author’s opinion, the next step is accepting the threesome occurred and that it was a mutually agreed event. Thereby preventing any blaming your partner for wanting the threesome and you were innocently going along to please them or you went along to prevent them from cheating.

The third step is finding some time when the two of you can be alone. Ideally, the sooner this occurs after the threesome the better, this author feels. Avoiding your partner after a threesome is not productive and it leads to, this author feels a weakening of the relationship occurs through lack of communication. Furthermore finding time when the two of you are alone gives both of you the chance to discuss anything that might pose a problem or causing hurt feelings. It also gives both of you a chance to connect again.

Connecting, when the two of you are alone, involves the process of moving from the threesome and continuing with your relationship. This could mean going out together, sharing an activity together other than sex, or it could mean spending quiet time snuggling in front of the television watching a movie together. It also means finding a way for your partner to feel comfortable with what occurred. For this to occur it might mean being supportive, being positive, talking instead of arguing, and find a way to move the relationship forward. Likewise for you it means finding a way to be comfortable with the the threesome that occurred. Moreover it means not letting any negative feelings from the threesome adversely influence the way the two of you relate to each other. Whatever the two of you do together, it means taking the time to rebuild and strengthen the bonds that you share.

Final step, is deciding what your next step about having a threesome and exploring other sexual practices. At this stage the decision is made, at least for the near future, if another threesome will occur or if as a couple, you will

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Questions for a couple to ask the third person

Posted in Questions, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

English: A schematic showing the polygamy rela...How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?

After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?

In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1)  What type of work do you do?

2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) What type of threesome?

b) Was it a positive experience for you?

c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?

d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?

3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?

4) Do you practice safe-sex?

5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:

1) Can we meet them?

2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?

3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?

b)  How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?

6) What are your boundaries?

a) What do you like?

b) What do you not like?

c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?

7)   What is your preferred position to have sex?

8)  Other than alcohol or drugs, what can we do to help you to relax?

9)  What is your expectation of us?

10) Any questions for us?

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