FAQs about ‘mixed signals,’ what do they mean?


FAQs about mixed signals

My spouse behaves as though they would enjoy a threesome, should I bring up the idea?

I suspect your interpretation of their behavior is based on your knowledge of them and their attitude towards the subject. Rushing a threesome may have disastrous consequences. It is better to speak with them about your observations and speak with them about their feelings towards having a threesome.

During foreplay may spouse / partner becomes highly aroused by the idea of having a threesome, does this mean they want a threesome?

During foreplay resistance lowers and the ability to share a fantasy increases. This leads to the ability to explore the idea of having a threesome in a safe environment where the person is able to control all aspects of the fantasy. However, having a threesome is a lot different because it requires surrender some control to others. At most, becoming aroused by the idea suggests that they are receptive to the idea but it is long journey from being receptive to actually having one.

We have started talking about having a threesome but every time we take a step towards having a threesome my spouse / partner my partner change their mind.

This is common and being supportive is required since they are, most likely, struggling with the idea from an intellectual and emotional level. They may, intellectually, find the idea appealing but emotionally feel as though they are cheating. Conversely they may feel excited about having the opportunity but in their mind they are playing messages about the activity thereby struggling with it.

If my spouse / partner is unsure about the idea is it best to arrange a threesome for them?

No, surprising your partner / spouse with a threesome rarely works and can lead to further problems. If it is something being considered speak with them about it.

It seems as though we were moving quickly towards having a threesome but now our progression towards having a threesome has become stagnant.

This is common when an individual realizes there is a difference between the fantasy of having a threesome versus having a threesome and they begin confronting the idea of having a threesome.

In the beginning my spouse / partner was resistant to the idea but now they are quite excited, why?

Such behavior is common, especially for women and many reasons for the behavior exists. Most likely they are realizing the opportunity it is providing them and the closeness they feel towards their spouse / partner. In most cases, I would see this as a positive and not dwell too much on it.

Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?


Interesting article that focuses on approaching a friend and stranger for a threesome. While I would not describe having a threesome as polyamory, as this author does, nonetheless I quite enjoyed this author’s writing style to discuss the subject. It is a great article well worth the time to read.

Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

via Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

Why does my spouse / girlfriend want a mfm instead of fmf?


Imagine for a moment your spouse / girlfriend comes tells you that they want a threesome. At first there is a rush of excitement and a feeling of being carefree like a child of 10 at the start of summer vacation. As she goes on telling you about her threesome you realize she is asking for a two male threesome, why?

In response to requests from visitors I will explore this topic and provide some opinions as to why a woman might prefer a two male threesome instead of inviting another woman.

She is heterosexual, straight: Depending on the statistics you want to accept only 2% – 10% of women are bisexual. This means at least 9 out of 10 women are straight and prefer having two men instead of inviting another woman.

Women invest more time into relationships: Generally speaking, women have more invested in a relationship and spend more time investing in their relationship. This means inviting another woman for a threesome can be seen as a threat to the relationship by her since more of her identity is based on relationship.

Society’s Messaging / Sexual Roles / Religion: This author believes, society teaches women from an early age that relationships are important, to be complete she must have a monogamous relationship with a man and have a family. In order to this she must put her husband’s and family’s needs a head of her own. Through this journey she suppresses a part of herself, her needs, and a suppresses a part of her needs. By having a threesome she is able to, for that period of time, free herself and to meet her needs. I am not saying that women are not monogamous, instead I am saying for some women having a two male threesome gives her a way to put the demands made on her and a gives her a route to discover herself.

Confirmation of desirability / attractiveness:
Having a two male threesome for a woman can confirm for her that she is still attractive and desired. This can also work in her boyfriend / husband’s favor too since it confirms for him that he has a girlfriend / spouse that is desired by other men.

Emotions/ Jealousy / Anger: For some women having feelings can be so strong that inviting another woman might be seen as a threat. Conversely inviting another woman may mean some courting is needed thereby increasing the chance that an emotional attachment is made. Having a two male threesome for a woman may be a safer choice since it may mean less of a chance of developing emotional bonds since her boyfriend / spouse is her focus.

Mechanics / Anatomical & Physiological : A woman has the capacity of multiple orgasms and the potential for longer sustainability. By having a two male threesome it allows her to have sex multiple times in one evening with different partners.

Polyamory / Ménage de Trios: It is possible that she may have an interest in having multiple partners and multiple relationships with her primary relationship being with her boyfriend / spouse. However this would need to be clarified once the topic is discussed.

Finally: With that said, this author feels each reason does not operate in isolation and there is potentially some overlap between the reasons. This means there can be multiple reasons influencing the her decision towards having a two male threesome versus having a two female threesome. If there is a solution my feeling it would reside in giving her time along with making her feel secure that the relationship could survive a two female threesome. This does not mean she will ultimately agree to have one. Nonetheless it does mean there are potential reasons for him not wanting it and provide some solace in understanding.

FAQs regarding soft-swinging


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What is soft-swinging?

The term soft-swinging implies that the couple involves someone else with them when sex occurs between them. However the involvement of the third person is limited to no oral or penetrative sex. This means in most situations woman on woman activity is not included in the definition and the role of the third person includes a voyeuristic element to it.

Does the definition include all male on male activities?

The definition does allow for mutual male masturbation and incidental contact between the males, provided no oral or penetrative sex occurs in the threesome.

What female on female activity does the definition include?

The definition includes kissing, touching, caressing, breast play, mutual masturbation and not involving toys or a strap-on.

How come you have excluded most female on female activity from the definition?

This author believes a strong argument can be made that female on female activity by definition is soft-swinging since it is impossible for penetrative sex without the aid of a toy. However, this author goes beyond the mechanics and looks at the broader picture. If penetration is occurring, regardless if it is a toy or a penis, then it is sex.

Are there any advantages of soft-swinging over a full swap?

The term advantage is perceptual and depends on the planned situation and definition of soft-swinging being used. Arguably soft-swinging may offer a lower risk of STD / STI, may offer a lower risk of pregnancy by the third person, preserves monogamy, and it can give the couple a group sex experience without having sex with the third person.

 Are there any disadvantages to soft-swinging?

Again the response depends on the definition of soft-swinging and the planned situation. Some possible disadvantages may include feeling sexually frustrated due to sex with the third person did not occur, feeling pressure to have a full-swap, and inviting a third person to participate in sex brings up further issues.

Does safe-sex need to be practiced in a soft-swing situation?  

Yes, since safe-sex is more about protection from STDs /STIs than pregnancy. For example, herpes and HIV / AIDs do not require intercourse or oral sex to be transmitted. Instead it requires a person come into contact with the infection and the infection to be transmitted through an unprotected barrier.

What positions work in a soft-swing situation?

Since the third person does not have sex with the couple and only take on a voyeur role, when it comes to sex, then question applies to couple. Generally speaking any position works. However, if the goal is ‘give a show’ for the third person then doggie-style, big dipper, or fusion may be positions to consider.

How can we incorporate the third person?

The response depends, to a large extent, on the needs of the couple and their limits. Inviting someone to watch can be quite erotic. However, if you are looking to incorporate them then there a lot of options:

Two Males

  • Mutual masturbation in order to arouse the woman, to arouse each other, and to provide a sexual release for the third person.
  • Invited male caressing the woman and / or giving her a message
  • Invited male caressing her breasts, sucking and playing with her nipples.
  • Invited male kissing the woman
  • Woman masturbating her partner in front of the third person
  • Woman masturbating the invited male
  • Woman having sex with her male partner in front of the invited third person

Two Women

  • Invited woman masturbating the male
  • Invited woman kissing, caressing, and touching the male or woman
  • Two women physically interacting, short of penetration, in order to arouse the male and them.
  • The couple having sex in front of the invited woman

What advice can you give to single males regarding soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging means you will not be having sex with the couple and there will be a voyeur aspect to the role. Nonetheless, it does mean some male on male contact is possible, such as touching or mutual masturbation. Also, it means that some physical contact with the woman is possible. Next it means if a couple opts for soft-swinging it does not necessarily mean at a later date they will be open to a full-swap. Some couples enjoy soft-swinging and it maybe as far as it progresses with them. This means for you, do not agree to a soft-swinging situation with the expectation that a full swap will occur at a later date. Lastly, it means it can be a situation that leaves you feeling sexually frustrated afterwards. Therefore, the choice is yours; it is important to remember in this situation you need to communicate your needs and your desired activities to the couple.

If we have an open relationship is soft-swinging a good way to have an intimate encounter with my partner / spouse and my lover?

A lot depends on the boundaries that have been agreed and it also depends if all three of you can be comfortable in the situation. If all three of you can be comfortable and it will not destroy the relationship(s) that have been developed then it is something worth exploring the idea. Should all three of you agree it is workable and all three of you feel that you can work through the feelings then it is something to try. It maybe all three of you find it leads to a very erotic experience.

If we have an open relationship and want to try soft-swinging then who does not participate and takes on the voyeur role?

It depends on how you define open relationship and the type of open relationship you have. If it is not a polyamorous or ménage da trios then it is this author’s feeling it should be the individual with whom the secondary relationship is formed. However, if you are in a polyamorous or menage da trios relationship, then this author feels this open to negotiation among the three of you.

FAQs about cuckolding


The leather pride flag, which has become a sym...

What is cuckolding?

Cuckolding refers to a committed couple whereby the woman has sex with someone outside of their relationship. It is done with the knowledge and consent of her partner.

With that said this author feels there are two forms of cuckolding. One form has elements of BDSM in particular domination / submission, which typically involves some form of humiliation. In this form it is the woman who takes on the dominant role and the male takes on the submissive role. Typically the woman will limit or withhold sex from her male partner while she is involved with another male. Also, it is common for the male to wear a male chastity device to prevent him from masturbating.

Second form involves sharing the experience. In this form of cuckolding there is no domination / submission with humiliation. Instead both agree to the experience and the woman finds a male lover outside of their relationship. Once she returns she will typically share the experience with her male partner. This may include not bathing and telling him about the experience while they have sex.

What is cuckqueaning?

It is the same as cuckolding except it is the male that takes on a lover outside of the relationship and generally speaking, this form is much less common than cuckolding. On this site, this author uses cuckolding to address both cuckolding and cuckqueaning.

How is cuckolding different than having a threesome?

Cuckolding differs from a threesome in two fundamental ways. The first way, cuckolding is more of an individual activity than a team activity. Unlike a threesome it is the woman who does most of the searching and it is her that will have sex with someone else without her partner being there.

Second way cuckolding is different, for the woman it means she is no longer monogamous to her partner but her partner remains, in most cases, monogamous.

This means cuckolding is a quasi-open relationship whereby the man has a less active role and the woman primarily plans her experience. The extent to which she shares the experience is primarily determined by the boundaries they have established.

Is cuckolding an open relationship?

In this author’s opinion, cuckolding can be a form of an open relationship and the test is how long it lasts. If it is something the couple tries a few times and then agrees not to incorporate in their lives then it is not. However, if it is something that continues and becomes a part of their life then this author feels it is a form of an open relationship that normally involves one partner remaining exclusive.

Would you recommend cuckolding to a couple who has no threesome or wife swapping experience?

No, without some group sex experience, such as threesome or wife-swapping, the couple is not fully aware of the issues involved. Typical issues include emotional reactions, communication, and the work needed to support the relationship. Group sex experience will not necessarily prepare the couple for cuckolding but it will give them some experience regarding the issues that they may face should they try cuckolding. Instead this author feels the right approach would be to start out with having a threesome and then let cuckolding evolve naturally from it.

What are three issues a couple may face if they try cuckolding?

Beyond the issues of pregnancy and STIs probably the most common issue will be jealousy. Jealousy will come in different forms such as feeling disconnected from your partner, feeling ignored or outright jealous. Another issue is communication. Again it can take different forms such as too much communication about what is occurring, too little communication, or not the right communication. If a couple tries cuckolding communication is going to be paramount to keeping their relationship together. Final issue, resolving feelings about cuckolding, cuckolding is a practice that is not readily accepted and very few people understand. This means there is very little support and it also means it can create a lot of feelings about participating in this type of experience. It is important if a couple is going to try this then both of them are confident in their choice.

Should I have my partner meet my lover before anything happens?

It comes down to your agreed boundaries but it is something this author recommends. Having them meet them will help both of you and ideally they should have the last say, if it happens. By doing this, it allows them to take part in the decision making process and it gives them the responsibility for agreeing. If they agree then they share the responsibility for the decision for cuckolding to occur.

Questions regarding overcoming resistance to threesome


how do you enjoy her If my partner says “no” to a threesome then it means they are not interested? There are numerous reasons as to why your partner may say no to a threesome. This author feels, if they say “no” then it is a good idea not to approach the topic again for at least another year; during this time work at improving your relationship with them and improving your communication with them. It may be they need time in processing the request for a threesome. The absolute worst thing you can do at this point is use coercion, pressure, or manipulation to pressure them into having a threesome. My partner is sending me “mixed messages” about having a threesome; does this mean they want it? Intellectually they like the idea but feel they could not go through with it. Alternatively, it could be a situation where you are noticing very small inconsistencies and their statement has not fundamentally changed. Until you speak with them you will not know what is occurring with them. We get close meeting someone and then at the last moment my partner changes their mind, why? There are many reasons for this. It could be they like the idea of a threesome as a fantasy but struggles with going through with it. Sometimes giving them time will work or it may be they are not able to go through with it. If they are not able to go through with it then love them for whom they are, not what they can give you. How do I convince my partner to have a threesome? There is no way you can convince your partner to have a threesome. The best you can do is, communicate with them about the idea, work on your relationship, and sometimes giving it enough time might lead to a change in feelings. What is meant by giving the idea time? Time can work wonders if used correctly. Sometimes when the idea of having a threesome is discussed the information is too much and the person need time to process it. Processing it can take a while since it may mean thinking about their feelings about the subject and resolving it against their relationship. Also, as we get older and have more experiences, sometimes our attitudes change leading to changes in beliefs. This means even though your partner may say “no” now there is a small chance in a while they might change their feelings. If my partner ultimately says “no” to a threesome then I should seek one myself? By seeking a threesome without your partner is, under most definitions, considered cheating. Other couples tend to want their threesome uncomplicated and without the risk someone will come after them due to their choice. Therefore, the answer to the question is “no.”

Discretly finding the third person


Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

In the beginning

Having this site I do receive bountiful number of questions that get asked to which I will personally reply but this question asks two very fundamental questions that I feel is best answered by writing an article. It is my hope this helps others who have similar questions.

First question, how do they find a third person without announcing it.

Second how do you find someone without going into the party scene?

Why is the party scene bad for a newbie

The questions are similar enough that I will answer second question, regarding finding someone, first. To begin with, each option carries a degree of risk that can be managed if enough thought is put into the meeting and safety is considered. This does not mean it will be 100% safe or be uneventful. Instead it means careful planning can improve safety and increase the chance of having an enjoyable experience.

When looking for a threesome probably the worst place you can look is the party scene. The party scene can involve drugs and alcohol making a horrible combination for a threesome. Also, the party scene is not the best place for a couple just starting out because it requires communication and decisions being made very quickly. It is not impossible for someone to be successful at a party but like anything else, some learning needs to occur. By not having some experience, cues can be missed or misinterpreted. As a result it can lead to misunderstanding, missed opportunities, or breaching an agreed boundary. In my opinion, unless the couple knows someone who will act as a guide for them then it is better for them to develop their threesome skills before trying a party.

Swingers Clubs

Swingers club does offer a better option. There are variety of sources for finding a swingers club. Most swingers clubs because of alcohol licensing laws and adult entertainment law are BYOB (Bring your own bottle).  Meaning they do not serve alcohol and tend to have strict rules regarding drug use. Depending on the club, they can be a very welcoming and supportive place for a couple just starting out.

Nonetheless, swingers clubs are expensive. Costs can include buying the right dress since many clubs will not allow jeans and sneakers. If you live in a rural, sparsely populated area, or in the suburbs driving may become a factor. In very sparsely populated areas driving time to travel to to a club may be several hours. Finally a swingers club, like a party, requires solid social skills that need to be learned.

Online

Dating Websites and Threesome Websites

Many couples take their introduction into the world of wife sharing and group sex by going slower while protecting your privacy is using an online dating web site. that provide several advantages.

  • Allows creating an alias to protect identity and to limit information being provided
  • Replies can be screened
  • Speed of reply is set by the member.
  • Provides a medium to ask questions
  • A greater opportunity for communication and a greater opportunity for global discussions about taking the ‘plunge’ into having a threesome.
  • Greater control
  • More opportunity to communicate with the potential third person

In essence, it gives you to control about who you speak with and the speed at which you develop enough information to decide if having a threesome with the individual is practical.

A major drawback can be the expense along with the time needed. This is especially true if the search includes a single bisexual female, sometimes called a unicorn. A second drawback is people tend to create an online facade and it will take some time in order to break through that facade in order to understand the real person and once you meet them they may not be the person whom they say they are.

Amateur Photo Sites

Along with or as an alternative to using a sites designed for threesomes are amateur photo sites. Similar rules apply for creating an alias but on these sites it is better if you do not advertise you are looking for a threesome. Generally speaking using an amateur photo web site is a great choice if you are wanting a soft-swing experience by using photos or having a web cam experience.

These sites tend to create a voyeur experience and it may mean you have to invest a bit more time since the individual may think you are trying to create a threesome fantasy for them instead of a real experience. Plus you may have to spend some extra time doing some vetting and building up a relationship to have a threesome because individuals tend to want the fantasy of having a threesome instead of actually having one.

Holiday Vacation

Third option might be having a threesome while on holiday / vacation. This is an excellent option if privacy is an issue, job is an issue, or if developing feelings for the third person will become an issue. By having a threesome while away will protect your privacy, limit involvement, and can lower resistance to the idea since the risk of someone finding out is low.

The drawback to this option is the expense involved because such an option requires traveling several hundred or several thousand miles for this option to be effective.

Cellular Mobile Phone Applications

Fourth option as technology changes there are more options to find someone outside of the normal channels. I am reading some sites are developing apps for phones. Since these apps or still either in development or in their infancy it is very difficult to comment on them. The only thing I will say at this moment is be careful in regard to safety and security. This means doing your research on the app before installing it.

In answer to the second question of how to find someone without using the party scene? There are least four ways to be discrete about finding the third person. The choice comes down to your level of comfort, the risk you are willing to take, the expense, and which method best fits your needs.

Second question how to approach the third person without offending them?

Approaching someone regarding a threesome is at a minimum anxiety provoking and at the worse it can be deathly frightening because of degree of emotional vulnerability. This means in order to have a threesome you need to be gregarious and confident. A couple that is socially awkward may find themselves may miss opportunities because they are too afraid to say anything because they are afraid offending the other person or fear being rejected. If having a threesome important enough then becoming outgoing enough to let the other know your boundaries, preferences, and dislikes will happen.

The secret is following basic rules of etiquette, communicate, and be a gracious host. Spend time listening to the third person instead of talking too much or trying too hard. If time is taken to observe while listening and responding accordingly then there is little that will offend the third person.

With that said, having a threesome requires trust, communication, and a willingness to explore; this normally leads to a relaxation of social rules to allow a discussion regarding the threesome. Also it allows each person’s social guard to be lowered thereby allowing for sharing to occur. In the event a couple can be good socially then things ideally should fine.

What does this mean for the couple? If they are in a situation where it is implied the meeting is a threesome / group sex then it is implied the reason why everyone is there is to have sex. However if it is more intimate such as arranging a meeting to discuss the idea then the discussion needs to be a bit more delicate especially if the third person is not aware of the couple’s interest in having a threesome. In a situation where the third person is not aware of the couple’s interest then the best way is to be direct about their interest. Alluding to the idea or using euphemisms will only lead to confusion thereby making having a threesome difficult.

Final Thought

In answering the second question, the best way not to offend the third person is to be open and honest about your needs. This means being assertive and  not doing something that makes you uncomfortable in order to please the third person. It may also mean finding situations where it is assumed that people are looking for a group sex experience like a threesome thereby removing some of the uncertainty regarding if the third person is seeking a similar experience.