How to persuade them have a threesome: Secret #1- nice to have versus must have


Searching for the answerIntroduction

Many of us have an interest in trying a threesome for a variety of reasons. It might be desiring to throw away the shackles that society places on us about monogamy. For others it might be wanting to explore the limits of their relationship or to give their partner with something, that a monogamous relationship cannot bring them. In some cases having a threesome might be on their ‘bucket list’ of things to do. Whatever the reason the first step is agreeing to have a threesome.

How do you convince your partner to have a threesome?

A very common question that gets asked, “how do I convince him / her to have a threesome?” The simple answer if they are not interested then do not waste your time trying to convince them. Short of a complete refusal there are a few points to consider and in the coming weeks, I will be writing about some of the secrets of trying to move the conversation about having a threesome to a point where it is agreeable.

Nice to have versus Must Have

Must Have

As humans beings we all have needs to feel secure and having a threesome is no different. At the most basic level, for any us to feel secure in a threesome we must have our basic needs met and this is sometimes called a ‘must have.’ A must have, from a threesome perspective, are tangible and  integrable items we need to have a threesome. This might be:

  • Having the threesome as a one-off
  • Avoiding some intimate contact with the third person (e.g. kissing)
  • Being present
  • Seeing communication
  • Safe-sex practices

Nice to Have

‘Must have’ forms a part of the boundary for the couple and the threesome to allow the threesome to happen. Whereas a ‘nice to have’ is something that can make the threesome enjoyable but it is not necessary for it to happen. An example might be:

  • Kissing
  • Bareback
  • Same-sex contact

Moving the conversation forward

The first step in moving toward a threesome involve reaching an agreement about the boundary of the threesome. In order to reach the first agreement understanding your partner’s need is vital. Only by negotiating  the nice to have, discussing your vision of the threesome and then finding a common area whereby each of you can agree. In order to do this, it will mean being open to different possibilities.

Secret #1 – How does having ‘must have’ and ‘nice to have’ help in having a threesome?

Having a threesome mean being open-minded about possibilities and keeping your ‘must haves’ in order to feel secure in the threesome. By understanding why the ‘must haves’ are necessary will help ease further conversations about needs from a threesome. Then at some point the conversation will change to ‘nice to have’ in the threesome and this becomes the area for negotiating to reach the threesome. Only by communicating and understanding needs will a couple be able to move toward having their first threesome.

Other Articles of Interest

Universal Boundaries

Boundaries

Unless you ask, how do I know you want a threesome?

Moving beyond the initial discussion

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4 – marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

Follow me

Follow me on Google+

Follow me on twitter – @JohnnyLavish1

Follow me on tubmblr

 

I Used To Be A Unicorn


Another great article from theshitshowthatismylife. She candidly speaks about unicorns, the difficulty finding one for a threesome, and how finding a bisexual woman does not necessary mean she is interested in a heterosexual couple. This is a great article for any couple searching for a second woman for their threesome.

I Used To Be A Unicorn.

via I Used To Be A Unicorn.

Open relationship saving a marraige?


Can an open relationship save a marriage?

The link to the article poses a wider question, can  opening up a relationship save a marriage?

After reading this article I am left to question the impact opening up their relationship will have on their marriage and I question, if the couple profiled will ultimately divorce. In my honest opinion, I believe the couple profiled was the wrong couple to choose for an article like this. I believe their relationship is already damaged and whilst the article promotes non-monogamy in a positive way, I believe an longitudinal article that followed a couple who is considering non-monogamy would have been more powerful. In addition,  if the couple chose to open up the relationship sooner, before the infidelity, then I am left to question if the would have been able to put into place the necessary structure to preserve it.

In answer to the question if non-monogamy can save a marriage? I do not believe this article is a good article but it does highlight some of the issues couples face. On that basis, I believe, it is a very good article to read and I encourage anyone considering non-monogamy to read this article.

 

 

 

Heteroflexible another term for bi-curious?


 

Heterosexual-symbol-3D

Heteroflexible a new term for sexual identity or another term for bi-curious?

Recently I came across the term heteroflexible and for those who may not know the term, it means: someone who is heterosexual but has the ability to have a same-sex encounter without developing a relationship with someone of the same-sex. When I read it, it thought this is another way of stating bi-curious or restating someone who is bisexual?

 

As I thought about the term more, I realized, it was also providing an explanation as to why a heterosexual individual could have a same sex encounter in a threesome and then continue their heterosexual lifestyle. I was beginning to think this term actually had some merit and it was not another term in the cornucopia of terms describing threesomes.

 

Then I thought bi-curious means someone who show a curiosity in the same-sex and wishes to explore it. The idea of exploration without identifying as bisexual, I believe, is the hallmark of the term bi-curious and I believe, is also the hallmark of the term heteroflexible.

 

In answer to the question, is heteroflexible another term for bi-curious or is it a new term for sexual identity? I believe, it is another of the infinite terms that describes bi-curious and it does not further contribute to our understanding of sexual identity.

 

 

 

Threesome and bisexuality


English: Illustration of the double moon symbo...

A part of the function of this site is to cover the spectrum of threesomes and to offer an opinion on the issues that can arise from having a threesome. By my estimates, roughly 25% – 50% of those who visit this site are bisexual and one of the issues being faced regards addressing the issue of bisexuality while being in a heterosexual relationship. Sometimes the discovery happens after being in the relationship for a while other times the discovery happens before the relationship or the desire to be with the same sex intensifies in the relationship. The challenge, this author feels, lies in addressing the issue with your partner.

This author feels, one of the first solutions sought includes having a threesome with your partner; however, this may not always be the best solution. Other times, for whatever reason, having them there is not practical. This means other solutions need to be found such as opening up the relationship and in the worst case scenario it means ending the relationship. Since each relationship is different, this author believes there is not one magical solution that will work for every situation but a solution that works for each couple.

This author feels many marriage therapists, councillors, therapists, licensed social workers, psychiatrists, and psychologists are not adequately trained to address the issue of alternative lifestyles to be much use. Instead, this author believe, looking towards the LGBT community in their area for support may help. They might be able to recommend someone who is alternative lifestyle friendly and / or provide support in addressing the issue in the relationship.

Below is a list of web sites that may be a potential resource for information regarding support about dealing with the issue of bisexuality in a heterosexual relationship. Most sites are from the US while a few are UK based.

Please be aware all sites listed are independent of this site; therefore, we are not responsible for their content. Since the sites listed are independent of this site we cannot attest to their legitimacy. This means if you attempt to contact them, you will are assuming the risk and we recommend that you use due diligence in researching the organization / site before providing any information about yourself to them.

Finally if you are aware of a good organization or web site not listed, please contact us to have it added.

http://www.thefullwiki.org/List_of_LGBT-related_organizations

http://www.pacehealth.org.uk/

http://www.thefullwiki.org/Seattle_Sex_Positive_Community_Center

http://bisexual-support.meetup.com/

http://www.lavendervisions.com/resources.php

http://marriedgay.org/

http://www.gendernetwork.com/lgbtsupport.html

http://www.gaycenter.org/

http://www.pflagnyc.org/support/meetings

http://lgbtfriends.meetup.com/cities/us/il/chicago/

http://www.outfront.org/resources/organizations

http://lgbtfriends.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/los_angeles/

http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer

http://www.sfcenter.org/

http://lgbt-social-group.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_francisco/

http://www.polyamory.org.uk/

Evolution of a threesome relationship to an open relaitonship: Relationship structure, Multi-partner relationships, and Communication


Most of my writing regarding threesomes have focused on having a full-swap threesome, which is most peoples’ idea of a threesome. Nonetheless there is another aspect of having a threesome, the “open relationship.” Many people will wrongly confuse having a full-swap threesome with open relationship. Generally speaking, this perception is wrong; nonetheless, a threesome can involve into an open relationship. This article will explore how this can happen while looking at the potential risks and potential benefits.

To help put things into context let us assume there is a couple George and Martha who have been married for 25 years and after their youngest leaves for university decide to push the boundaries of their relationship. As a part of their exploration they decide to have a threesome with Mark, who is similar and age to them. They “hit it off” and the threesome they have is quite good. George enjoyed seeing Martha being please by another man and found it as validation of his wife’s desirability. After all of them having a good time then decide to meet again. It now raises the question is this an open relationship?

The answer to this, it depends. If for example George and Martha invite Mark back as a couple for another threesome then it is not an open relationship. Reason being both George & Martha are doing this as a couple and they are keeping their relationship emotionally monogamous. However, if they continue having threesomes with Mark whereby either George or Martha begins developing feelings for Mark then the question becomes how do they approach it? If the threesome relationship continues to develop into a polyamourous relationship, in this case sometimes referred to as a ménage de trios then it has developed into open relationship. Likewise if George and Martha decides to allow Martha to have sex along with Mark, such as cuckolding, then it would also be considered an open relationship.

Taking this a bit further what does it mean for George and Martha? If they are polyamorous route whereby Mark becomes an equal part of their relationship then it will mean, at a minimum, discussions about boundaries (e.g. how Martha will divide her time), how George and Mark will interact (e.g. will there male on male contact?) dealing with issues of jealousy, and devoting a lot of time to communication. Communication at this level is goes beyond basic social conversation that involves discussions regarding feelings, issues, and solving problems as they arise. This means for all three they must be able to communicate with each other, be assertive, and to be able to meet their needs while being able to meet the needs of the other two. Essentially this means each of them will have to invest a lot of their time into maintaining the relationship.

In contrast, if George and Martha opt for an open relationship where Martha is allowed to see Mark on her own then the question for them are they opting for a cuckolding relationship or a true open relationship. If the former is the case then it most likely means George will remain emotionally monogamous to Martha while she forms an emotional attachment to Mark. It also means that George and Martha will have to agree on boundaries and limits to this activity. Whereas, if the latter is their decision then Mark essentially becomes a secondary relationship for Martha. This will then mean for them they will have to agree if George is also able to pursue someone else outside of the relationship, agree on the ability to spend the night with their lovers, and communicate in order to address issues as they come up.

From a relationship risk stand point, a threesome relationship that continues can provide additional demands on the relationship in particular a greater need to communicate to address issues as they arise along with the risk of forming emotional attachment to the invited third person. Without communication including discussing issues as they are arise it is likely the couple will miss something that will adversely impact their relationship. Therefore it is important after every threesome that the couple work the any issues that arise, discuss their feelings including their feelings towards the invited third person, and discuss their next step. Without taking these basic steps the couple may put their relationship at risk.

Why does my husband or boyfriend want a fmf but not mfm?


a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Imagine for a moment where life ran by predictable logical rules and now imagine having a threesome was a way for three people to have sex without the complications. What would it be like? Would it be more enjoyable or less enjoyable? The reason for imaging such a world is thinking about a question that comes up, how come my boyfriend / husband alright with a two woman threesome but not a two male threesome?

A simple response to the question is human behavior is unpredictable and does not always follow rules regarding behavior. In reality, this author feels such an answer avoids the reasons for the behavior and this article will explore some possible reasons. By writing this, it is this author’s hope that it can help couples explore this topic.

Homophobic: It goes without saying for some guys being naked with another man creates some insecurities about their sexuality and in particular, some guys feel even though there is no contact with the other male it will mean they are bisexual. For some males this creates a lot of insecurity and challenges their belief about themselves. If they have a two female threesome then it will validate that they are heterosexual and confirm their desirability.

Insecurity: Even though times are changing and roles for males are being redefined, this feels there are still some males who feel they are to be providers. This goes as far as being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend. If another male another male is able to this then it means they are not needed. Facing the reality that another male being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend means they are not able to do something unique for their partner and for some males it can create feelings of insecurity for some males.

Fantasy versus Reality: For some males the idea of having a threesome can be quite an intense fantasy and initially they may be quite eager to have the threesome. However, as they get further into the process and begin to face the reality of having a threesome they may pull back from wanting it. This author believes when some males are confronted with watching their wife / partner having sex with someone else and / or realizing the issues it can create for their relationship it begins challenging their fantasy of having a threesome, thereby making it less appealing.

Emotions/ Jealousy / Anger: For some males they have strong feelings and the feelings can be so strong that they adversely impact having a threesome thereby making a threesome not realistic.

Society’s Messaging / Sexual Roles:  This author feels this reason closely relates to issue of homophobia. This author feels, society still rewards males who are able to attract more than one female and values a male who is able to have a two female threesome. Essentially for some males pursuing a two female threesome becomes a trophy or a confirmation of their masculinity by being able to have an experience that many males cannot.

Threat / Loss of relationship: This author will not argue that there is something primal that forces some males to protect their relationship with their wife / partner at all costs. Instead this author feels the threat of losing the relationship or inviting another male might threaten the relationship. Whereas if another woman is invited it is their partner that has to deal with the threat.

Bad / Previous Experience: He may have had a previous threesome experience and decided that a threesome is not for him.

Not Interested: There are some males who may not be interested in having a two male threesome due to personal or religious reasons.

Adding ‘Spice’ or Variety: I do not necessarily believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a two woman threesome. However, it may sought after as a way of trying something different to add variety to a relationship. If the relationship has become ‘predictable’ or ‘stale’ then trying a threesome may make things worse.

Already Involved: This author does not believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a threesome if he already has someone in mind. By suggesting someone with whom he is involved with will mean he will be revealing a secret that he trying to hide and it the threesome will involve a lot of drama. Most likely if he has someone in mind that would like to invite, a fantasy person.

… And Finally: With that said, this author feels each one does not operate in isolation and there is potentially some overlap between the reasons. This means there can be multiple reasons or several reasons influencing the male’s reaction towards having a two male threesome versus having a two female threesome. If there is a solution my feeling it would reside in giving him time along with making him feel secure that the relationship could survive a two male threesome. This does not mean he will ultimately agree to have one. Nonetheless it does mean there are potential reasons for him not wanting it and provide some solace in understanding.