10 things you should know about having a threesome but were afraid to ask


20130714_173035-1Introduction

Over the last few years I have seen progress being made regarding the acceptance of threesomes but we still have a long ways to go before it is accepted as mainstream. There are still a lot of couples who approach having a threesome with very little knowledge and not sure what is involved. Below are a few questions regarding threesomes and over the coming weeks I plan to add more to it.

1) They show interest in having a threesome in the bedroom, does it mean they will agree to have a threesome?

No. Saying you want a threesome during foreplay, during sex, or immediately afterwards is no indication of there interest. Why?

From the start of foreplay our resistance to suggestions lowers because of the state of arousal and the closeness we feel to our partner. As arousal increases resistance further decreases and using of fantasies to further increase arousal continues until climax. After climaxing there is a period time the euphoria from sex continues and this, I believe, allows bonding to occur.

Once sex ends we continue with our daily lives and face the challenges it presents to us. Essentially when interest in having a threesome is expressed it about the fantasy not reality.

2) They have said they will agree to a mfm threesome if I agree to a fmf threesome. Should I agree?

No. Quid-pro-quo, sometimes referred to as ‘something for something’ is a risky situation that requires a lot of trust and very detailed knowledge of your partner. A downfall of this type of agreement occurs after the first threesome and the other does not want to have another threesome. Many times this leads to hurt feelings and conflict in the relationship because there is a feeling of violation of a trust that exists.

A better solution is reaching an agreement on having a threesome then after the first threesome experience evaluating it to determine if it is possible to have another. If it is possible to have another threesome then discuss needs and desires.

3) Should I find someone and surprise them with a threesome?

Again the answer is no. Surprise threesomes rarely work and in most cases they can be quite embarrassing because cues were misread. Instead obtain your partner’s / spouse’s agreement about searching for a threesome for them on your own.

4) They have said no to a threesome. What Should I do?

If someone says no to you, what do you do? In most cases we either ask for feedback or forget about it. Asking for a threesome is the same. If you decide it is not worth pursuing then that is a choice. However, if you ask for feedback there is a few reasons why and sometimes your spouse / partner may not share it. A few of the reasons might include:

  • Wrong approach used
  • Goes against their beliefs
  • Timing was wrong
  • Misread cues from your partner
  • They may be open to the idea but your suggestion was no in line with what they were expecting / wanting
  • It is something they need to consider
  • Not enough trust due to length of relationship or ongoing relationship issues
  • Underlining relationship issues
  • View it as cheating
  • Afraid to be with someone else because of their limited sexual experiences

Should you choose to ask for feedback it will help you gauge the next step and it will help with communication in the relationship. If a conversation about having a threesome can begin then it is possible that sometime in the future it might occur.

5) How Can I convince them to have a threesome?

There are web sites that claim you convince your spouse / partner to have a threesome but I believe there is no method that will convince them. At the heart of the matter, they must want to have a threesome and if they firmly oppose having a threesome then it is unlikely they will ever agree to have one.

The one thing that you have is time. Time changes everything. Initially may be resistant to the idea but over time their resistance softens. Another weapon in your arsenal is behavior. Relationship security can be a big hurdle for a threesome. Changing they way you relate to your partner and making time for them may be all that is needed. This means convincing them is more about being supportive and providing a channel for discussion than employing a technique to magically get them to agree.

6) They have said yes to the having a threesome, what is our next step?

There are two steps that need to occur almost simultaneously. First step is setting boundaries, which is discussed later in this article. Second is finding the third person. Once discussion on boundaries begins finding the third person should occur. Finding the third person should be a joint effort because it will require each of you agreeing to the choice. How the searching is done is your decision. Once you find them it is important to do some screening and asking them questions. Finally during this time it is important to review boundaries, discuss feelings, and discuss comfort level to ensure no issues that can hurt the relationship arise.

7) Do we need boundaries?

Yes. Boundaries build trust that allows the threesome to occur. They reduce the chance hurt feelings or arguments arise. Some will say they do not need boundaries because they want their partner to choose what they want to experience only to find later they did not consider ‘X’ will happen. Boundaries do not need to be complex and they do not need to be detailed. Instead can be a few rules that everyone has the same understanding that define the threesome.

There are three types of boundaries that need discussing. First, relationship boundaries. Relationship boundaries relate to how the relationship will handle having a threesome. In my situation our relationship boundary regards not using the experience against the other. Meaning, it is a mutual decision that we both make and will not blame the other.

Second type of boundary are threesome boundaries. These will be boundaries that relate to the threesome and will change a In the beginning they should be basic and be specific. While avoiding having too many or boundaries that conflict.

Third type of boundary are implied boundaries. Implied related to expectations, acceptable acts, and acts in the threesome that are off limits. They are implied because it will impossible to go through every possible scenario and impossible to comprehend every possible scenario. Therefore assumptions must be made and if there is going to be an argument regarding boundaries then there is a good chance this will be the type of boundary causing the conflict.

8) How do we find someone that is interested?

Finding a woman interested in a threesome can be a bit challenging, especially if you are looking for a single straight female. However if you are looking for a male the time needed is much shorter. With the boom in mobile and cellular phones finding someone for a threesome is becoming easier. There are applications for your phone and tablet. Websites that focus on threesomes, foursomes, and dating. Also there are swingers clubs, munches, and other similar type of activities that occur in public. Finally if you are open to the experience sometimes finding someone can occur at the most unlikely places.

9) What is it like watching them having sex?

The two of you can discuss feelings, signal for discomfort, and how it might impact the both of you; however until it happens no one will have an idea. For some it is the most erotic experience. Watching someone else pleasing their partner as they participate. Others it is quite possibly the worst experience of their life. Most likely it will fall somewhere in between the two extremes.

If the two of you communicate and have a good relationship then it is reasonable to expect some fear along with a lot of excitement. Should this be your first experience then you may have issues with being comfortable communicating in all situations. This may mean letting the invited person know how they can help increase your enjoyment may be difficult thereby not being able to get the most from the experience.

10) Can you enjoy sloppy seconds in a threesome?

Yes. If you are participating and you all the invited male to have sex with your wife / girlfriend first. Be aware she might be a bit uncomfortable and may want you to only to have sex with her. Talk with her before the threesome. Then watch her reaction and listen for cues regarding her comfort level.

Other articles of interest

Easing into Cuckolding or Swinging

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

Using quid-pro-quo as a negotiating position for a threesome

Questions for the third person

Threesome stages

Threesome Terminology

Defining Cheating

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Easing into cuckolding or a threesome


easing into cuckolding and swingingIntroduction

The decision is reached to finally take ‘the plunge,’ and all is left is finding the right person. A few ideas get discussed about possible people to invite and the discussion includes using an ad on a web site. After taking time to search someone who appears to be a good match is found and the reality of having sex with someone outside of the relationship finally becomes real. Now hundreds of thoughts starting arising and confronting a new reality, one that was not thought of during the discussion, how do you ‘ease into’ having the experience?

Solution: Do what is comfortable

When it is not a good idea to have a cuckold or a threesome

‘Easing’ into a threesome or ‘easing’ into a cuckold indicates to me someone who does not know where their comfort level lies. It can also be a warning that boundaries have not been discussed or they were not in alignment with personal beliefs. At worst, it can be a sign that pressure or coercion is being used to gain agreement for a threesome indicating it the planned experience can cause harm.

Listening to ‘the voice’ for direction of ‘easing into’ a threesome or a cuckold

All of us has a ‘little voice in our head’ that tells us:  what is comfortable, the ‘voice’ tells us when we are leaving our comfort zone, and it tells us when we are outside of our level of comfort. Granted in a cuckolding and threesome situation there are two other people; however nothing happens unless you agree to it. This means, there is no reason why ‘the voice’ needs to be muted when it comes to a threesome or a cuckold. It also means, there is no reason as to why ‘the voice’ cannot act as a guide and act as an indicator of where your comfort level exists and use that indicator for establishing boundaries that build a level of trust.

Alternative solution: ‘dipping your toes in the shallow end’

If using your senses to help you guide you about where your comfort level exists and then communicating it does not work, another solution exists. This solution involves taking small steps and once a level of comfort is establish trying something more involved. Each of us has our own definition of a small step and it is not easy to define. Nonetheless, in the context of a threesome or cuckold, it tends to mean starting with a non-sexual activity then build.

Example 1: a fictitious example Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Mr Jones a 48 year old  accountant &  Mrs. Jones a 42 year old nurse agree to have a threesome. Mrs Jones has always enjoyed fantasies of a younger male having sex with her without Mr. Jones present. As a couple they discussed the idea and agreed to try it. As a part of their agreement they agree Mrs Jones will find a male and have sex with him without Mr Jones present. 

After agreeing they found a 38 year old male, Mark Smith but after  finding Mark Mrs. Jones begins having doubts and is unsure if she can go through with it. Mr & Mrs Jones discuss the issue. They discover their initial plan was too bold and scale it back. Instead of having it all happen at once, they agree Mrs. Jones will have a few ‘dates’ with Mark to see if she is ready for the experience.

Example 2: fictitious example George and Melissa

George and Melissa are a middle age couple who seek different ways to explore the boundaries of their relationship. Recently they have agreed to try a threesome with Paul. However, as the threesome approaches Melissa is finding she is unsure if she can go through with the planned threesome. As a result George and Melissa agree their first experience will be a soft-swinging experience and then afterwards they will evaluate the experience to see if the next encounter will be a full threesome.

Alternative Solution 2: KISS it

A good acronym to remember when planning your first threesome is KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid). Keeping a threesome or cuckold simple means setting realistic expectations and not viewing the experience as some type of marathon event. It also means, not pushing the boundaries and keeping the first experience simple thereby avoiding a lot of issues later. In a threesome an example of keeping it simple might be having each male having sex with the female instead of trying for ‘split roast’ or double penetration (dp).

When planning a threesome typically two mistakes are made. First mistake is not having boundaries and agreeing to allow anything to happen. Usually this is a bad idea because it does not provide a sense of security, it allows activities not considered to happen,  and it also opens the planned cuckold or threesome to conflict later. Second mistake is like being a child in a toy store and being overwhelmed with all of the choices. This can lead to planning a threesome that is outside of the comfort limit and make a participant uneasy.

Finally

Remember when planning your first threesome or cuckold by KISSing it will alleviate some of the stress associated with it. Also, by communicating it can help to plan a threesome or cuckold that is emotionally secure. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take a threesome or cuckolding experience slow. Just remember to communicate.

Other articles of interest

Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

Secret #3: being confident

Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

Secret #6 – it is the relationship

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

8 cuckolding secrets every couple should know

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Six secrets that will help you make your fantasy of having a threesome a reality


hot wife lying in waitingIntroduction

Wanting a threesome is the first step to have a threesome but convincing your ‘significant other,’the idea is a good idea is a hurdle that needs overcoming. Sometimes the hurdle is more like a mountain that is almost impossible to climb.

Article Overview

Each article covers an area to consider before approaching your ‘significant other’ about the idea and each secret addresses an area that can help you overcome their initial resistance to the idea. Whilst I cannot guarantee success, each secret when used in conjunction with the others can help increase your change of success or at least minimize the amount of time needed to discuss the topic before finding your third person.

Other articles of interest

Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

Secret #3: being confident

Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

Secret #6 – it is the relationship

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #6 – its the relationship


how do you enjoy herIntroduction

Building a house requires a solid foundation. Otherwise the house will collapse in a very short time. Having a threesome is like building a house. A good relationship with them is needed otherwise any threesome is at risk of collapsing.

Begin with the basics

Time together

The foundation to any relationship is the amount of time together and the more time the relationship is in place the more the couple becomes committed to each other. Time together and commitment do not necessarily correlate. Nonetheless the more time a couple is together the more they have invested in the relationship and the more likely they are willing to work through the issue. Also, the more time a couple is together before having a threesome the more they understand their partner’s idiosyncratic behaviors and understand their partner thereby being less likely to misunderstand their intention.

By being together for some time before having a threesome will help a couple to minimize some of the uncertainty of the outcome a threesome can bring and it gives the couple a better understanding the risk they are undertaking.

So what is a minimum time a couple should be together? While it is possible a couple that has been together for a few weeks can have an enjoyable and successful threesome, time together may become a factor for them the more they have a threesome. In my opinion I believe two to five years is a good starting point.

Communication

For any successful threesome communication is key. Communication is more than talking about where to order pizza or what movie to see. Having a threesome requires a more developed style of communication since it requires discussing subjects that more couples, who do not have threesomes, rarely discuss. This means being comfortable with any subject and being able to react rationally. Without solid communication being able to a threesome that is enjoyable is more difficult and more likely to lead to problems.

Invest time into the relationship

Avoid relationship apathy

The longer a couple is together, I believe, the more likely they are to take each other for granted. I do not believe it is intentional but I do believe with time, a routine develops. This routine leads to a level of predictably and security, which is fine. However, at some point the security that predictability provides becomes replaced with boredom. It is at this point when an affair happens.

Invest in the relationship

I believe, by investing time into the relationship it helps keep the ‘spark’ that binds the couple together and it builds long-term security for the relationship.  So what is investing in the relationship? It is anything that shows the relationship is important. This can include, though not limited to:

  • Date night
  • Making time for your spouse / partner
  • Listening to your spouse / partner
  • Saying positive things about your spouse / partner
  • Saying reaffirming things
  • Doing things to let them know they are special
  • Looking for solutions instead of always trying to compete

By taking the time to show your spouse / partner they matter to you it increases the chances that the relationship can survive having a threesome and increase the chance it can be a positive experience.

Threesome perspective

There are no secrets to convince your spouse / partner to have a threesome. A lot comes down to what they want and if they are comfortable with the idea. This means being prepared to love them for who they are an not what they are able to give you. Having a good relationship that is full of love and respect will go a long-way in trying to convince your spouse / partner to have a threesome. However it is not the ‘holy grail.’ The best you can do is love them, be patient, listen, and by showing them respect may bear the fruit you want.

Other articles of interest

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo


IMG_8722 updated 20140816Introduction

Think of a situation where facing an unknown outcome, such as a job interview. Searching for a job is a journey that requires being able to influence. Preparing for a job interview requires doing research about the company, maybe researching something about the interviewers, and anticipating possible questions that might be asked all help in preparing. Other factors such as knowing the company’s pay tolerance for negotiating pay, contractual working conditions, and selling your skills in the interview to receive an offer becomes a combination of experience weaved with a degree of speculation. Being successful on this journey requires being able to influence the interviewer that you are right for the job and being able to demonstrate you are able to be firm while having a flexible attitude.

Most likely somewhere along the journey using quid pro quo was used or was considered being used. An example, “I am willing to undertake more traveling for a pay rise.” For those not familiar with the term quid pro quo, it means something for something or sometimes it is called a “win-win” situation. Whilst I am not a fan of quid and I try using it as much as possible, nonetheless pro quo t forms the basis for our lives from work to grocery shopping, and to a large extent how we relate to other people. In a more global sense quid pro quo underlies our free-market economy. So, it is logical to incorporate the principle in planning a threesome.

Preserving the relationship means avoiding quid pro quo

In a previous article in this series, I spoke about defining nice to have verses the must have for a threesome. There is a temptation in approaching the planning of  threesome as buying a corporation by employing a quid pro quo approach. An discussion might include a willingness to have a mfm threesome in exchange for agreeing to have a fmf threesome.

On the surface, this appears fair but it is not. Quid pro quo in planning a threesome does not take into account emotions and the outcome of the first threesome. Couples gravitate towards one type of threesome over another for a variety of reasons that includes factors such as:

  • managing issues of jealousy
  • preference
  • compatibility
  • sexual identity
  • availability
  • their location

Also, the outcome of the first threesome cannot be known and trying to plan a second threesome until the first one is known is not possible. by agreeing to have two separate threesomes it opens up the possibility of later conflict due to not wanting to have the second threesome.

Persuading without quid pro quo

Avoiding using quid pro quo is not easy since it can be instinctual but it can be done. In the previous article I talk about viewing a threesome as a marathon and using time as an advantage. The same principle applies here, instead of time it is breaking journey from discussing the idea through to the threesome into manageable steps. This means, planning out the steps that need to occur, identifying any possible issues, and it means clarifying for yourself what is negotiable. After developing a plan, it is time to try it, regularly review it and make changes where needed.

Related Articles

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4 – marathon not sprint


IMG_8802Introduction

Imagine an event that brought a lot of possibilities, such as a job interview. The thoughts of a better life because of the experience and being able to join the company made you believe you could join a select group.  However one thing stood in the way, achieving the goal. Realizing the event is still a dream brought another feeling that felt like carrying a 50lb weight while trying to sprint to the finish line. Knowing a well deserved reward was within reach, nothing else mattered,except experiencing the joy that comes with such an event.

In many ways, having a threesome can bring wonderment and possibilities. It is very easy to focus on the finish-line, having a threesome instead of focusing on the road ahead.

Give it time

Bringing up the idea of having a threesome can be met with a variety of reactions from ending the relationship to a mutual agreement to have a threesome. Preparation for the discussion and projecting confidence in desiring a threesome are essential for the discussion.  Approaching the conversation should not be done a sprint, whereby agreement is made to have a threesome followed by a drive down to the bar to find someone. Instead of reacting to the ‘heat of the moment,’ thought should be given planning the threesome and ensure everyone has a common understanding. This usually means there is a pause in the conversation.

Allowing a pause, as it relates to the discussion of a threesomes, we are always learning from our experiences and as we have more experiences our views of the world change. This does not always means an initial ‘no’ will automatically change to a ‘yes.’ Instead it means giving time to process the suggestion and giving them time to view the suggestion in context of new experiences. This may lead to softening of their position and it can mean the subject can be re-approached.

Exercise to try

To see the impact a pause can have, including yourself. The next time you are having a casual conversation, pause and do not say a word. Alternatively if you are not comfortable trying this then try to think of a time when you had a conversation and there was a pause? What is your feeling? Do you feel, as though you have to say something? What about the other person? Do they feel uncomfortable with it? How does it resolve itself?

A pause in a conversation can be awkward leaving us to find a way to restart the conversation and get beyond that awkward feeling without realizing the pause may be beneficial. This is true with any conversation regardless if the pause is a few seconds or a few years. By understanding how a pause can effect you can help in handling the discussion of a threesome and possibly persuade them to have a threesome.

Conclusion

Pause in a conversation is natural but is can be unnerving. When it does it occur it is important to let the conversation begin naturally instead of trying to restart it because it feels unnatural to keep the pause. Discussing a threesome should be seen as a marathon instead of sprint. By allowing the conversation to begin naturally it signifies thought has been given to the topic of having a threesome and it can mean it reaching an agreement might be easier. Should the outcome be there is no agreement on having a threesome then it is best to let the pause return and love your partner / spouse for who they are instead of what they can give you.

 

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3 – being confident


IMG_8702Introduction

Think of a time in your life where the outcome was not known but before the event some preparation occurred. For many of us, finals at university or preparing for a job interview are examples. Now ask yourself, “did I feel confident?” Mostly there was nervousness from fear of the unknown but there was also an underlying confidence of that came from preparing.  The confidence that came from preparing made it possible to work through being confronted with the unknown and being able to get through the experience.

In many ways persuading them to have a threesome is akin to preparing for finals at university or preparing for a job interview. Why do I use these analogies? Your partner / spouse will be wanting answers and gauging your response. If you were considering the idea of having what will persuade you more, a partner / spouse that was uncomfortable with the idea or a spouse / partner that is confident? How do you develop the confidence to persuade your spouse / partner to have a threesome?

Getting comfortable with idea

Having a threesome means having an experience that is out of the realm of experiences for about 80% – 95% of adults. At the heart of a threesome, involves having someone on watch while the other engages sexually with someone else. By not previously having this experience it may mean the impact of introducing someone else and then having sex with them maybe underestimated.

So, if you never had the experience and group sex experience is out the range of human experience, how do you get comfortable? There are some good free sites, besides this one, that can offer support.  A good starting point are Reditt’s cuckold  and swingers community. Also Society for Human Sexuality’s web site offers a good introduction to the topic but the one drawback it focuses on swinging as lifestyle instead of an experience. Another good free site includes Yahoo! Answers and Groups United States site. Finally there are some books that can help with the subject.

Another aspect involves communicating with a third person on a very intimate level and being present when it occurs. This runs contrary to what all of us have been taught about monogamy and relationships. Talking, flirting, and intimate touching can be unnerving to watch when it involves someone you love interacting intimately with someone else.

The above gives you information regarding what it may be like having a threesome and the information comes from other peoples’ experiences. Next step involves using that information and formulating what it may be like. Then from there it is deciding what a threesome could be like. Once you have enough information it means asking yourself, “is having a threesome with my spouse /partner something I want?”

Think of your partner’s / spouse’s needs

It may seem counter intuitive to think of your partner’s / spouse’s needs instead of your own. Having a threesome is much more than the physical act of sharing bodily fluids among three people. It is a journey for a couple and a communication exercise. This means understanding where the relationship is, where it is going, and understanding the impact of a threesome. Essentially it means thinking the idea through before suggesting it and before speaking with them it is important to think:

  • What will they get from having a threesome?
  • How will it impact them?
  • What will be their fears?
  • What will they like about the experience?
  • How will it impact your relationship?
  • How will it impact your ability to interact and support them?

The above are some of the questions that need considering before discussing the idea and as you discuss the idea with them. By going through this exercise it will help you better understand discussing having a threesome goes beyond the needs of an individual but the needs of everyone involved.

Putting it together

Discussing the idea of having a threesome can be fraught with issues. Nonetheless, during the discussions your partner / spouse will be surmising, trying to determine your level of confidence and motivation for suggesting the idea. If your partner / spouse feels you ulterior motives  or if your spouse / partner feels you are looking for conflict then it is likely the discussion can spiral into conflict.

One method of trying to avoid conflict and have an open discussion about the idea of having a threesome involves speaking being confident. This means thinking through the idea, understanding what is involved, and being able to openly discuss the idea without resorting to manipulation.

By understanding what may occur in a threesome, understanding how it relates to your situation, and then communicating those ideas can build confidence in your partner that having a threesome might be the right idea.

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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How to persuade them have a threesome: Secret #1- nice to have versus must have


Searching for the answerIntroduction

Many of us have an interest in trying a threesome for a variety of reasons. It might be desiring to throw away the shackles that society places on us about monogamy. For others it might be wanting to explore the limits of their relationship or to give their partner with something, that a monogamous relationship cannot bring them. In some cases having a threesome might be on their ‘bucket list’ of things to do. Whatever the reason the first step is agreeing to have a threesome.

How do you convince your partner to have a threesome?

A very common question that gets asked, “how do I convince him / her to have a threesome?” The simple answer if they are not interested then do not waste your time trying to convince them. Short of a complete refusal there are a few points to consider and in the coming weeks, I will be writing about some of the secrets of trying to move the conversation about having a threesome to a point where it is agreeable.

Nice to have versus Must Have

Must Have

As humans beings we all have needs to feel secure and having a threesome is no different. At the most basic level, for any us to feel secure in a threesome we must have our basic needs met and this is sometimes called a ‘must have.’ A must have, from a threesome perspective, are tangible and  integrable items we need to have a threesome. This might be:

  • Having the threesome as a one-off
  • Avoiding some intimate contact with the third person (e.g. kissing)
  • Being present
  • Seeing communication
  • Safe-sex practices

Nice to Have

‘Must have’ forms a part of the boundary for the couple and the threesome to allow the threesome to happen. Whereas a ‘nice to have’ is something that can make the threesome enjoyable but it is not necessary for it to happen. An example might be:

  • Kissing
  • Bareback
  • Same-sex contact

Moving the conversation forward

The first step in moving toward a threesome involve reaching an agreement about the boundary of the threesome. In order to reach the first agreement understanding your partner’s need is vital. Only by negotiating  the nice to have, discussing your vision of the threesome and then finding a common area whereby each of you can agree. In order to do this, it will mean being open to different possibilities.

Secret #1 – How does having ‘must have’ and ‘nice to have’ help in having a threesome?

Having a threesome mean being open-minded about possibilities and keeping your ‘must haves’ in order to feel secure in the threesome. By understanding why the ‘must haves’ are necessary will help ease further conversations about needs from a threesome. Then at some point the conversation will change to ‘nice to have’ in the threesome and this becomes the area for negotiating to reach the threesome. Only by communicating and understanding needs will a couple be able to move toward having their first threesome.

Other Articles of Interest

Universal Boundaries

Boundaries

Unless you ask, how do I know you want a threesome?

Moving beyond the initial discussion

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4 – marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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A single male’s guide: how to attract a couple without offending them


ready for cuckoldingIntroduction

In previous articles such as ‘Asking a Couple for a Threesome,’ and ‘FAQs for Single Men Desiring a Threesome,‘ the thrust of the article was avoiding common mistakes that single men tend to make when approaching a couple for a threesome. This article will take earlier information further by discussing, an approach that I call couple-centric can help increase your chance of success by following seven pieces of advice and help you stand-out from the other 100 single men that are contacting the couple.

1) Accept you are not unique

Accepting this goes a long way in attracting a couple. Many times single men believe:

  • A couple is searching for a threesome because there is an issue in ‘the bedroom’ and somehow the male cannot satisfy her.
  • A couple is searching for a single male with a specific attribute  (e.g. age, muscular body, large penis)
  • A couple does not get many replies because the practice of having a threesome is taboo
  • They are the only male the couple is communicating with about having a threesome

Reality is, you are not so unique that a couple can find another male to meet their needs. The challenge for you is not rest on your laurels and work with a couple.

2) Be Socialble

Being sociable is crucial for a single male. Too often a single male focus on the goal, the threesome, and forget the journey they need to get to that point. Having a threesome is a journey that goes a complex social dance that lasts as long as necessary and each point being social.

In a mfm situation it is the couple that is in charge. This means it is important to get everyone feeling comfortable and it means being able to make ‘small talk.’ Being able to make ‘small talk’ and being able to hold a conversation while focusing your attention on both will be vital in the early stage. Ignoring the male in the relationship, rushing the ‘social pleasantries’ like ‘small talk,’ or not being able to hold a conversation are potential ‘death nail’ with the couple.

3) Think like a couple

Too often a single male will view having a mfm threesome as a way to have NSA (no strings attached) sex with the extra baggage of the boyfriend or husband being present. For the couple she has already made her choice and she has chosen her partner. A single male in their threesome is nothing more than a tool for their sexual enjoyment. For them choosing a single male is who is the best fit their needs at the moment.

For a single male it means putting aside their need and understand the couple, such as:

  • What type of single male do they want for their threesome?
  • What has brought this couple to consider the idea of having a threesome?
  • How does the single male fit into their plans?
  • Are there any underlying relationship issues that could impact the threesome?
  • How do they communicate?
  • What is their style of communication? How can you adapt your communication style to fit their?

4) Understand the couple

I almost included this section with number 3 but felt it was better to keep each point simple. Also I felt it is important to highlight a couple begins their search for a single male at different points in the threesome process

Understanding the couple involve putting yourself in their place. A couple will look for a third person for a threesome when there has been some agreement to at least look. Some couples will be:

  • Looking to see what type of male is available in their area before deciding to have a threesome
  • ‘Testing the water’ to see if, as a couple, they can go through with the idea
  • Wanting to make a few connections with different single men before deciding

Whereas some couples might:

  • Already committed to the idea of having a threesome and are looking for the ‘best fit.’
  • Looking for a single male that can fulfill a specific fantasy
  • In some cases they might be looking for a bisexual male

It is important when speaking with a couple about a potential threesome that latitude is given to them by accepting not every couple searches for a single male at exactly the same point. Some may begin the search to only decide that it needs to happen slower or they may make the contact before coming back. Whatever the situation, I believe, a good single male will listen and support the couple by understanding their journey.

5) Understand the single male role in a mfm, mmf threesome

Previously stated, a couple has many choices for a two male threesome and being sociable can go along ways in attracting a couple. The second part of that equation is an understanding in most two male threesomes the single male role is to enhance the pleasure of the woman. This does not mean he needs to have unique sexual abilities that the other men has and it does not mean he needs to have a larger penis than the other male.

Instead it means, he is there as a someone to help the couple expand their enjoyment and he is also there to work closely with the other male in multiplying her pleasure. This implies the single male needs to be adept in social situations, a good communicator, and someone who is able to work well with others.

Next, it is not uncommon for a couple to choose a single male that has more threesome experience than themselves. Sometimes a couple makes this choice because they want someone to guide them into having a threesome and in this type of situation the single male need to be patient with them. However if they are not comfortable with the need then they should tell the couple.

6) View any discussion as a chance ‘to meet the friend you knew existed but never met.’

This simply means approach any potential threesome conversation as a chance to make a friend and not a threesome. Reason for saying this. not every contact will lead to a threesome. It is better to have a positive attitude and a good perspective than being hostile because a couple did not choose you.

7) Accept Rejection

This goes very closely with number 5 because rejection will happen. A successful single male will accept not every couple will choose them and they are comfortable with this reality. Because they are positive about the experience that is something a couple will notice and having a positive attitude can be a powerful mechanism for making yourself stand-out among the hundred other men that are contacting the couple.

Conclusion

The above seven steps are meant to give more insight to a single when speaking with a couple about having a threesome. Arguably for a couple it sheds some light onto the characteristics of a good single male. Furthermore this article is meant to give a usable approach that will not work in every situation but will help increase the chance for success.  If you forget everything in this article except one thing then the one thing should be, every couple is unique with their own requirements. Do not push the couple into a decision but enjoy the time you have communicating with them and even if nothing transpires then it is possible they may become a friend and who knows where that friendship might go.

 

Related Articles

Part 1: Writing an Ad

Part 2: FAQs for Single Men Desiring a MFM Threesome

Part 3: Perils of Using a Friend or Co-Worker for a Threesome

Part 4: Asking a Couple for a Threesome

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21 Points to consider before having your first threesome (singles)


Am I ready for my first threesome?

It is amazing the transformation attitudes towards having a threesome has gone through over the last 25 years. It has gone from the image of ‘seedy’ couples and ‘sex crazed’ guys to an acceptable practice. It goes without anything the transformation is incomplete and more needs to be done. However, it is now possible for both single men and single women to fulfill a part of their sexual need through a threesome. The reasons why a single man or a single might seek a threesome for their sexual need varies greatly, from wanting to explore the idea to being too busy for a relationship.

With that said, looking for a couple to have a threesome with can be time consuming endeavor that may yield no results or the results may not be what the individual was expecting. Plus it can mean making sacrifices in your personal life in order to have a threesome.

Below are some points for single men and women to consider before deciding to begin their search for their perfect threesome:

1)   Do I have the time to search for a suitable couple?

2)  Do I understand what is involved with having a threesome?

3)  Do I understand having a threesome is not like the porn movies and I will be interacting with real people?

4)  What is my sexual identity? Am I comfortable sexually interacting with someone of my own gender?

5)  Can I be outgoing, sociable? Am I able to start and hold my own in a conversation?

6)  Can I deal with rejection?

7)  What do I want from a threesome?

8)  Can I deal honestly with the couple and deal honestly with myself?

9)   Can I keep an emotional distance from the couple? If not, then is having a threesome the best choice for me?

10)  Can I have sex with someone if I am physically attracted to them without being emotionally attracted too?

11)  Can sex be a physical experience without it leading to a relationship?

12)  Wanting a relationship and wanting a threesome are many times incompatible. If given a choice which will pick? Why?

13)  Being the ‘third’ in a relationship means you are a tool, device, or toy for the couple. Thereby implying you are not an equal in their relationship and it implies you are replaceable.

14)  Can you be submissive and not dominate the relationship?

15)  Can you be intimate with two people at once while not becoming a part of their drama?

16)  Are you able to view the couple as a couple thereby respecting their relationship and not view it is an opportunity for NSA sex?

17) Am I assertive enough to say ‘no’ if I do not feel the situation will work?

18) Am I willing to practice safe-sex?

19) Do I have a plan for my physical and emotional safety?

20) What attitudes do I hold about couples who search for a threesome?

21) Can I take responsibility for my choices?

 

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