10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask


cuckolding guideIntroduction:

Cuckolding is a taboo subject that is rarely discussed publicly. Instead it is left for porn, opinionated talk show hosts, evening news stations during sweeps week and romance novels that create a seedy view of the subject. From the seedy image created couples become too afraid to discuss it only to find when the subject is brought up it triggers a strong emotional reaction. If a couple decide to pursue cuckolding many times the have to ‘feel their way in the dark’ and hope they have made the right decision. Sometimes the decision may be wrong putting her at risk and their relationship. The answers below is not a panacea for bringing the discussion of cuckolding ‘out of the closet’ but it is a starting point for couples wanting basic information of the cuckolding experience.

1) How should I bring up the idea?

Bringing up the idea of cuckolding can be very daunting, especially if not much discussion about the idea has previously occurred. Before bringing up the idea many different scenarios of how to bring up the idea and the possible reactions of your partner / spouse may occur. The scenarios may strike fear that prevents the subject form being discussed.

It is important to realize playing the scenarios is a protective mechanism to ensure there is not an impulsive rush to discuss the topic that can cause damage to the relationship and to work through the best way to bring up the subject. Likewise there is a chance having the scenarios play in your mind may also be based on anxiety, a fear of bringing up the subject and this is fine because you may not be ready. Once you bring up the subject your relationship will forever change and do not bring it up until you are ready.

When you are ready there is no generally accepted way of bringing up the idea. The best bay to bring it up, this author believes, is from a loving way that shows respect. This means:

  • Listening to your spouse / partner has to say
  • Not arguing
  • Not belittling them because they do not agree with you
  • Letting them know you care for them
  • Letting them know the suggestion of cuckolding has nothing to do with being bored with them
  • Choosing words your spouse / partner can relate to
  • Avoiding emotive words that provoke strong negative emotional reactions
  • Understanding why you want to a cuckolding experience
  • Positives can come from the experience
  • Risks to the relationship & how those risks will be handled
  • Having more than one discussion to work though the issues

2) How is cuckolding similar to a threesome?

Cuckolding and having a threesome are similar in two ways. First, when searching online cuckolding tends to get clumped with threesomes under categories such as: threesomes, wife sharing, swinging, or group sex. This is because fewer couples opt for cuckolding than threesomes and two activities share some basic characteristics. If you are online there are a few hallmarks that indicate a cuckolding rather than threesome is being sought. Typically this will include couples who want the primary male to watch or wife wants to play alone.

Second similarity there are three people involved but the extent to which the two males interact varies a lot. In some situations there may be a hybrid threesome where the couple will have a threesome with the invited male and sometimes the woman will meet the invited male without her husband / partner being present. Other scenarios the two males never meet and know very little about each other.

Third similarity, is what this author terms, couples cuckolding. Couples cuckolding is a hybrid of cuckolding and having a threesome. In a couples cuckolding scenario the cuckolding experience is short-term without the woman becoming emotionally involved with the other male. The cuckolding experience is done for the couple to allow them to experience something a completely monogamous relationship cannot provide but still remain emotionally monogamous to each other.

3) How does cuckolding differ from having a threesome?

One the surface cuckolding and having a threesome can seem to be quite similar. Imagine comparing a green apple to a golden delicious. Both are apples but it is not until analyzing the apples that the differences are known. For example you can eat a green apple but it is primarily for baking. Whereas the golden delicious is more suited for eating or making apple sauce because of its higher water content.  The same holds true when comparing a threesome to cuckolding. It is not until digging deeper into the structure of the two that the differences becomes obvious.

The biggest noticeable difference is in the structure. Having a threesome is best described as a team activity, like baseball or European football. Whereby the experience is shared. Success is dependent on each person executing their roles and the communication that occurs. Whereas cuckolding is more like an individual activity like karate, marathon running, or tennis. Cuckolding requires the woman to define for herself what she wants and needs then do it.  For her to have a successful experience it depends more on the support she receives than team effort.

Following closely with structure many pure cuckolding incorporates some form of BDSM. Typically it will be some form of small penis humiliation or some form of domination whereby sex gets withheld for a time. The extent to which this is incorporated and the extent to which, the practice bleeds into the couple’s daily life varies greatly. It can be said, for a limited number of couples, the line between cuckolding and daily life becomes blurred.

Another aspect that closely relating to structure is time needed. Having a threesome only requires everyone being comfortable enough with each other for sex to occur and for it to be physically enjoyable. Whereas cuckolding, in most circumstances, involves emotional attachment and this typically involves more vetting.

4) Is cuckolding the same as an open relationship?

This author believes is a form of an open relationship. Whereby the man remains monogamous, in most situations, and the woman forms a long-term emotional relationship with another man / other men. By definition it is not a true open relationship but a variation of it.

5) What type of boundaries should we have?

Boundaries are meant to protect the relationship and to protect the person. It is a way of mitigating a potentially emotionally damaging experience and increasing the chance it becomes an emotionally positive experience. This does not mean boundaries are ‘set in stone.’ but become something change with experience. By not having boundaries can put her at risk and put your relationship at risk too. As we have seen earlier cuckolding is not the same as having a threesome and having similar boundaries will not work.

Boundaries should be based on emotional need, physical need, and safety. As a result boundaries are unique to the couple and their situation, which means providing universal boundaries are difficult. Examples of potential cuckolding boundaries might include:

  • Meeting any potential partners for her
  • Discussing the experience
  • No overnight stays
  • When to text message or call
  • Frequency of meeting
  • Safe-sex
  • Agreeing cuckolding is a mutual decision whereby she may form an emotional attachment to another man
  • When to discuss experience

6) Where can I find a ‘bull’ or someone suitable?

Finding someone can happen anywhere such as the guy standing in front of you checking out at the grocery store or the car wash attendant. It depends on the type of man being sought and the need for privacy. There are a lot of dating web sites and affair related web site that cater to this type of activity. Since they are many and we are not paid to advertise them, this author is not going to list them. Also, swingers clubs can offer opportunities and off-premise events, where no sex occurs, sometimes called munches offer other opportunities.

Regardless of where you search the more important aspect is finding someone who is compatible and this can take some work. This will need some questioning and investment of time before agreeing to anything.

7) What changes may occur in our relationship?

Anytime when you introduce a third into the your relationship it will cause it to change. Typically you may find:

  • Before a ‘date’ she becomes distant
  • She may take time to prepare
  • Sex may become less
  • May become uncomfortable talking about her experiences
  • You may find feeling fearful or anxious
  • Your sex drive may increase or decrease
  • You may find experiencing a plethora of emotions that feel like a roller coaster
  • Conflict may increase over her dates, conflict may increase over feelings of relationship security, or other issues

8) Should they go alone on their first date?

Going to your first date alone is a decision you / she will have to make depending on the situation, the relationship, and all of the dynamics involved. However, from a personal protection standpoint it may be a good idea. Bringing him with helps with a few things:

  • Provides a buffer. If after speaking with the other man on the phone they are not suitable then having your spouse / partner there can help making leaving easier.
  • It lets the other male know this is being done in the open and he does not have to worry about a jealous husband / partner.
  • By bring him with it will help him put a name with a face. This should help ease some concerns he has.
  • It also helps give a second opinion about the suitability of the invited man.
  • It might help safety since your spouse / partner will know what he looks like.

If during the meeting things work out with the invited male then your spouse / husband can leave to leave you alone.

9) Cuckolding experience expectations ?

If you are expecting a scene from a romance novel where your lover sweeps you off of your feet from your husband / spouse or if you envision a scene from a movie where he is ripping off your clothes then maybe your expectations are a bit too high. We all have expectations that are not met then we feel disappointed and cuckolding is no different. Keep your expectations realistic instead of media based. Remember you are dealing with two other people who have feelings, expectations, and needs that sometimes conflict. Being able to resolve those conflicts will be vital for an enjoyable experience. The best way to set expectations is to ask yourself, what do you hope to get from the experience and then find someone who can meet them while communicating to your spouse / partner is the best way. Only by communicating and problem solving will you be able to achieve your needs.

10) Should I let my husband enjoy sloppy seconds?

Depending on the situation and boundaries sloppy seconds may become a part of the equation. Sloppy seconds is a sign to your husband / partner that you have had sex outside of your relationship with them depending on how confident they are they may either enjoy it or become upset. For the right couple it can be something that is shared between them that binds the.

Especially when just starting, there maybe feelings of remorse or guilt over having the experience. It can make sharing sloppy seconds difficult and be seen as a sign of shame. The reality is there is nothing wrong with sloppy seconds and it is something that should be viewed positively.

Finally

Cuckolding like getting out of bed, crossing the street, and driving to work carries risk. Living a risk-free life is not possible and if we could then I suspect life would become boring. Risk is something that can make life interest and motivating. However it can cause a lot of pain and heartache too. The above is meant as a guide to help couples who are considering cuckolding to help mitigate their risk and begin ‘opening the door’ on the subject. When it comes to cuckolding there are no right answer. Nonetheless by taking your time, discussing the subject and trusting each other then the answer for you, as a couple, will be found.

Other Articles of Interest

Cuckolding Beginners Guide for Her: Surviving the First Date

Cuckolding Beginners Guide: Enjoying Sloppy Seconds

Couples Cuckolding

Universal Boundaries

FAQs Regarding Boundaries

5 Laws for Establishing Boundaries

Cuckolding Relationship

Easing into Cuckolding or Threesome

8 Cuckolding Secrets Every Couple Should Know

Watching My Wife Having Sex with Another Man

Cuckolding and the Power Sloppy Seconds

Debunking Cuckold Myths

Defining Monogamy

Finding the Balance

Threesome Terminology

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How to have a mfm without being bisexual


IMG_8704After receiving the ‘green light’, regarding exploring the idea of having a threesome, we quickly realize there are many hurdles that need negotiating before reaching the sought after threesome. Probably one of the earliest hurdles that presents itself is the threesome paradox:

Having a fmf means investing a lot of time with the most likely result being the second woman is bisexual. Thereby leaving out the male. However having a mfm may mean finding someone quicker but it will mean an assault on male-half of the couple’s sexuality?

One solution maybe  quid-pro-quo whereby the couple agrees to have a fmf and mfm only to find either they are unable to find a willing woman to join them or the man refuses going through with the planned mfm because it calls into question his sexuality. In this article, I will explore a guaranteed way of having a mfm without male-on-male contact

So, how do you have a mfm threesome without involving male-on-male contact? The first step is changing the mindset. Having a mfm is not about sexual identity. Speaking from personal experience, having a mfm threesome is about sharing and making his wife / girlfriend happy. Arguably, it is doing something for her and the relationship. For his wife / girlfriend and for them as a couple it is about liberation.

This means having a mfm is about an emotional experience whereby a couple can feel secure by trusting each other. By having a mfm threesome the man is giving permission to his wife / girlfriend to enjoy someone else, trusting her feelings will remain for him and she will not violate the boundaries they have set. Also, he is trust the male the invite will respect their boundaries, respect their relationship, and enjoy his spouse / girlfriend.

Final step is selecting the correct male. From my experience, I do not believe homophobic males make a good choice for a threesome. I believe they tend to view having a threesome as a way to have ‘no strings sex’ and can get obsessive about anything that might seem gay. This can create issues in the threesome especially between the males and finding someone who is comfortable with their sexuality is a better choice.

Also I believe there is no guaranteed way of finding a compatible male. Instead I believe the type of male in the situation is a male who respects boundaries, is outgoing, and someone who makes each of you feel comfortable. Then as all of you progress towards having a threesome, they are someone who looks to take cues and does not look to take advantage of any situation that may present itself.

Having a threesome whereby there is no male-on-male contact, involves having the correct mind-set. This involves each man being secure in their sexual identity and not seeing the threesome about challenging their sexual identity. Instead viewing it as an experience that can can be quite enjoyable by focusing on pleasing her. Therefore the guaranteed way to have a mfm threesome without challenging a man’s sexuality identity involves trust, communication, and a desire to share his wife / girlfriend with another man.

 

 

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I Used To Be A Unicorn


Another great article from theshitshowthatismylife. She candidly speaks about unicorns, the difficulty finding one for a threesome, and how finding a bisexual woman does not necessary mean she is interested in a heterosexual couple. This is a great article for any couple searching for a second woman for their threesome.

I Used To Be A Unicorn.

via I Used To Be A Unicorn.

Open relationship saving a marraige?


Can an open relationship save a marriage?

The link to the article poses a wider question, can  opening up a relationship save a marriage?

After reading this article I am left to question the impact opening up their relationship will have on their marriage and I question, if the couple profiled will ultimately divorce. In my honest opinion, I believe the couple profiled was the wrong couple to choose for an article like this. I believe their relationship is already damaged and whilst the article promotes non-monogamy in a positive way, I believe an longitudinal article that followed a couple who is considering non-monogamy would have been more powerful. In addition,  if the couple chose to open up the relationship sooner, before the infidelity, then I am left to question if the would have been able to put into place the necessary structure to preserve it.

In answer to the question if non-monogamy can save a marriage? I do not believe this article is a good article but it does highlight some of the issues couples face. On that basis, I believe, it is a very good article to read and I encourage anyone considering non-monogamy to read this article.

 

 

 

Bisexual Male Etiquette for MFM Threesome


Bisexual Male Etiquette for MFM Threesome

Introduction

Many men and a few women fantasize of erotic woman on woman contact in a threesome. Woman on woman contact is every where from the movies to commercials and television shows. I have seen a few main-stream television shows that open with a lesbian scene.

Unfortunately male on male contact has yet to become mainstream. The one main-stream television show that I have seen approaching this issue moved from telling a cute story to a show that started attacking society and groups that did not agree with their view point of same-sex equality. From my experience, I have yet to meet an individual or a couple that fantasize about male on male contact in a threesome.  Instead it is something they would like to experience or may see.

For the bisexual male, who is just starting out, it can leave them in a predicament about approaching a couple. A couple has their choice of single men and can be quite selective who they choose since there is an abundance of single men interested in having a threesome. So, how can a bisexual males improve their chance of finding a couple and keep their interest?

Starting Point

Starting point simply means using a frame of reference in order to approach the threesome. In this context it is accepting the couple is a couple. This means there are two individuals who share mutual interests and who share their lives together. As a result what happens in the threesome will have an impact on their lives and the lives of others. Respecting them and their relationship is paramount in being considered for a threesome.

Mirage

Many couples who search for single men do not necessarily search for bisexual single men. Some couples may not consider the idea, some couples may say the male half of the couple is bi-curious and others may be opposed to the idea. Contacting a couple based on the assumption they are looking for a bisexual men to join them because they are searching for potential men to join them maybe a fatal flow.

Risks

Couples who consider threesomes tend to be educated and intelligent. They tend to be aware of the risks of HIV / AIDs, syphilis, and other sexually transmitted diseases. As a result they tend to be aware sex between men is a primary way of spreading infection. This can result in limiting bisexual activity between the men to oral activity and wanting to use condoms as a way of limiting their risk.

Approach

Assuming the couple is not openly looking for a bisexual male to join them then the approach needs to be accommodating. Accommodating means, taking time for understanding their needs. Are they looking for a straight threesome? Is the couple open to male on male contact? If so, what is acceptable? What is the male half of the couple wanting from a bisexual male?

The next part of the approach is to gradually introduce the idea of being bisexual. This does not mean lie to them. Instead it means easing them to the idea. For example if the couple asks, “What are your boundaries for physical contact with other males in a threesome?” One way to gradually introduce the idea is by stating, “I am, under the right circumstances, not opposed to male on male contact.” However, if they ask you if you are bisexual a possible response might be, “I can be flexible. Male on male contact is something I enjoy but it is not necessary. If he is open to it, we hit it off, and the mood is right then we can see where it goes.” In essence, using an accommodating approach means being adaptable to the needs of the couple.

Threesome

Speaking with the couple will give you a general idea of the couple’s comfort level with male on male contact in the threesome. However talking about a threesome and having the threesome are two separate activities. A lot of the time a couple will express their interest in specific activities before having the threesome but once it happens, it is likely the threesome will not develop into the ‘ideal’ threesome that was being previously discussed.

Unless the couple specifically states they are interested in male on male contact in the threesome and the woman is taking on a voyeur role, it is fair to assume they have chosen a bisexual male to pleasure both of them. This means some attention needs to be paid to her along with determining the other male’s interest in same sex contact. If it is his first time find a way to get him comfortable and ease him it same sex contact. It is better to limit the activity to oral and / or some form of masturbation than to push for something more intimate. Making it too intimate for him too fast may make the both of them uncomfortable.

My journey


my threesome journeyIntroduction

Before writing this article I struggled if I should write and if I did, how. Ultimately I decided to write this. The reason for writing this article is to provide an experience to show, having a threesome is not a linear process but a multidimensional process that happens over time. In essence I wanted to share a bit of myself in order to provide some meaning to my writing along with showing not all threesomes play out like they are shown in the media.

Threesome Philosophy

My philosophy regarding threesomes tends to be systems, behavioral, or existential. This means I look for a simpler explanation thereby conflicting a lot with Freud. The reason why I choose to compare my philosophy with Freud instead of Jung, Adler, Maslow, Skinner or Beck is due to a lot of bloggers tend to explain threesome / cuckolding behavior in reference to Freudian theory. The other reason for comparing my philosophy to Freud, I believe a lot of Freud’s work has been misinterpreted in today’s society.

As a author, I tend to discount a lot of what Freud has to say because I feel Freud’s theory is unnecessarily over-complicated and based on observations, not controlled research. Granted he lived at time when scientific principles were still in their infancy thereby forcing Freud to be more philosophical and rely on observation rather than scientific principles. Another reason his theory is overly complicated I believe, is because he lived as a Jew in Europe during WWI and it escaped Nazi Germany to live his remaining years in the US. Essentially he faced a lot of anti-Semitism that impacted his theory, especially his later works. Another reason I believe his theory is overly-complicated is due to his work. His work is based on observations, not scientific principles.

Nonetheless there is one aspect of Freudian theory that I do hold dear to me. That aspect, to bring out the underlying issue the individual should be detached and free of judgement, in essence a “sounding board.” A lot of my writing uses that approach since, I want people to arrive at their own decisions about threesomes without being heavily influenced by my world view. Granted, I use my world view to help me frame my writing but I do my best to keep a balanced perspective.

My Threesome Experience & Current Journey

The experience I have with threesomes comes variety of sources including experiences with my wife, experiences prior to her, and a bit of her threesome experience before meeting me. During a phase in our relationships we were into having threesomes but after a while we pulled back from it. I think a part of it had to do with the novelty of the situation, our previous experiences with threesomes and the stage we were at with our lives. After we pulled back from having threesomes, we moved. Our move had nothing to do with threesomes but instead it was due us wanting to move out of the rural mid-west. As the result of the move, it lowered the priority of having a threesome because we were on our own and had to rely on each other. A few years after our move there were times when we would court the idea of having a threesome and we would take get close finding a third person. Then each time we would make plans she would pull back.

After having major surgery and starting hormone replacement therapy my wife starts the discussion of having a threesome and begins talking about, as it is called on this site, couple’s cuckolding. We have done this previously with a good result and it is something we would like to do again. This discussion is for the time being, become more realistic and has surpassed the threesome discussion. Unlike the other times where the idea is abstract, this time we have started discussing boundaries, risks, when she would have time available; and what ifs. Plus she has started looking with offers from both couples for fmf threesome and single males. She has stated she is not sure if she could be with another woman but the idea tempts her. For some reason I view fmf threesome offer as less risky than the offers from single males. Nothing has happened, yet and she has stated she is not sure if she wants to go through with it. Nonetheless we continue to talk and discuss.

Update 26/09/2013

In the few months since my last post, she has asked about attending a swingers club, what it would be like, and if any are nearby. She also asked about what would she do if anyone knew her, would she be expected to participate, and would she be safe.

I have told her there is one a less than 2 miles from our house. Also, I told her not to expect people to rush up to you and that you have to be sociable. Regarding what it would be like, I explained to her that you would need to be ready to say no and no meant no at the club. Then I told her that you do not have to participate if you do not want to and you can just mingle. Finally I told her not to worry if anyone knew you because what would they say to you, “I saw you at a swingers club?” If they did, I told her, then it would imply they were there too and I told her, I do not believe someone would risk exposing their private life in public.

She told me the idea of me fucking her with another guy turned her on and the whole idea turned her on too. The conversation ended and I emailed her the link to the club for her information.

Since then she has been quiet on the subject and I have not pushed. A few days ago we were sexting and the conversation turned back to couple’s cuckolding. She asked if I thought she would like it and I said, ‘yes.’ I told her doing something taboo and being desired by someone else would be a major turn-on for her. At that point the conversation ended.

On a different point she is asking me to post photos of her on an amateur site in various states of being undressed and does take requests, within reason, for various poses. She tells me it is a bit of a turn on for her because she likes feeling desirable and it gets her aroused. She tells me it has helped her with how she views herself and does not see herself as being fat anymore. When I ask her if she has any interest in meeting anyone from the site she tells me she does not have an interest in meeting anyone from the site, which is fine.

Update 23/10/2013

Nothing new to report as we have been busy with work and family.

08/12/2013

We keep on discussing going to the nearby swingers club but it does not come to fruition.

She made an interesting comment that I am taking more as joke but it did seem to have a bit of a serious element to it. My wife, suggested that I post on this site that she is interested in having a threesome with someone that is well endowed.

25/08/2014

Nothing, has yet come to fruition. Nonetheless there appears to be a few open channels for exploration. She has opened up about wanting someone to ‘finger her’ while she is wearing her skirt. Also she talks about wanting to someone ‘fuck her.’ Talking about having a threesome is done very openly and non-judgmental indicating she has not completely discounted the possibility.  At the moment it is all talk but in the past we have had our threesome experiences. So, I am not going to say it will not happen because only time will tell.

Conclusion

Does this mean it will happen? Not necessarily but it is possible. I think she is exploring the idea and thinking about the risks. Since she appears to be exploring two possible routes, I believe, she is more set on the couple’s cuckolding idea than a threesome. The decision for the ‘Couples Cuckolding’ is her decision provided we can agree on boundaries.

Does anyone know how to move to the next step?