How to persuade them to have a threesome: Six secrets that will help you make your fantasy of having a threesome a reality


hot wife lying in waitingIntroduction

Wanting a threesome is the first step to have a threesome but convincing your ‘significant other,’the idea is a good idea is a hurdle that needs overcoming. Sometimes the hurdle is more like a mountain that is almost impossible to climb.

Article Overview

Each article covers an area to consider before approaching your ‘significant other’ about the idea and each secret addresses an area that can help you overcome their initial resistance to the idea. Whilst I cannot guarantee success, each secret when used in conjunction with the others can help increase your change of success or at least minimize the amount of time needed to discuss the topic before finding your third person.

Other articles of interest

Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

Secret #3: being confident

Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

Secret #6 – it is the relationship

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Fantasy versus Reality of having a threesome: Chapter 6 – You can never go back


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Without time travel the impact of a bad decision cannot be reversed

Recall reaching the time when agreeing having a threesome. I suspect there is some interpretation along with a youthful optimism of everything being okay. That optimism essentially fuels the drive towards having the threesome and protects from worrying about every small detail of what can go wrong. Also, it creates a warm emotional bond with your “significant other” and it creates a feeling of closeness when entering the unknown territory of having a threesome.

Whilst having a youthful optimism about having a threesome creates closeness and protects against worrying, it has a dark-side. As human beings we want to see the good in everyone and everything around us. When we use blinders for seeing good, it is difficult to ask tough questions. Asking tough questions is important as a threesome quickly approaches instead of approaching a threesome as two teenagers experiencing puppy-love for the first time. Asking tough questions such as:

  • Is this the right decision for us
  • Is this the right decision for me
  • Is our choice for the third person the right choice?
  • Is there anything about them that makes me uncomfortable that needs to be discussed?
  • How am I going to cope with seeing my “significant other” (SO) having sex in front of me / How am I going to feel having sex with someone else in front of my SO?
  • Will I be supportive to my SO if it they have a bad experience and help them work through the issue?
  • How will I feel, if I lose my SO over this decision?

Up until the threesome happens there is an opportunity to say either, ‘no,’ or ‘this needs to happen slower.’ Once the clothes comes off, flesh is pressing against flesh, and intercourse occurs there is no way to reverse it. At that point, the only thing that can be done is perceiving the event as not being negative and working through the issues as they occur. Therefore the reality of having a threesome, it is easier to stop a bad decision than fixing it.

Threesome Terminology


Peter Fendi, 1835

Accommodating:

At minimum accommodating is arranging a location to have a threesome and typically means providing a place for your threesome guest(s) to spend the night. Normally this is the same bed or guest bedroom if the threesome occurs at a home. If the threesome occurs at a hotel then it means paying for the hotel room.

BDSM:

A consensual sexual practice that involves the use of power and control in order to elicit sexual enjoyment for both involved. The acronym covers multiple types of sexual practices that share a lot of commonality. This means each practice is not mutually exclusive and shares common characteristics with other BDSM practices.

B/D – Bondage / Discipline

This practice involves the use physical restraints, rewards, and ‘punishments’ in order to elicit the desired behavior. It can be as simple as using a pink fuzzy pair of handcuffs or as intricate as training.

Bondage:

Involves the use of restraints such as handcuffs and ties

Discipline:

Used to teach “acceptable behavior”

D/S – Domination / Submission:

Cuckolding tends to fall under this heading in cases where humiliation is a part of activity. Domination / submission can involve the use of disciple or S/M; however the structure is about one individual submitting to the will of the other. In cuckolding an example might be the male wearing penis restraint in order to prevent him from feeling pleasure and his wife having sex with other males, called bulls. In certain circumstances the female withholds sex from her primary partner, sometimes for months, in order raise his sexual enjoyment.

Domination:

It is the one in control and directing the play. In a cuckolding / cuckqueaning situation it is the one who is going out having sex.

Submission / Submissive:

The one who is following and in a cuckolding situation it is the one who is abstaining from sex.

S/M – Sado-machoism:

Use of pain, such as whips, in order to elicit pleasure.

Bi-curious / bi-curious:

Term used to describe an individual who has an interest in same sex activity; however they have limited or no experience.

Bareback:

Sex without a condom

Bi-sexual / bisexual:

An individual who is capable of forming relationship with either gender. However their interest in same-sex activity will vary overtime.

Bull:

A term used to describe the chosen male in a cuckold situation. Typically this term is associated with couples that pursue cuckolding along BDSM lines and the bull is the man, outside of the relationship, that is having sex with woman.

Boundaries:

There are two types of boundaries, relationship and threesome. Relationship boundaries are the boundaries that define how the relationship will handle the threesome (e.g. not to use it against the other / accepting it is a mutual decision). Whereas threesome boundaries define the limits and the structure of the threesome.

Cheating Wife:

Another term for cuckolding.

Couple Cuckolding:

A form of cuckolding whereby the experience is not about domination / humiliation nor involving some form of BDSM. Instead it is a mutual decision whereby, typically the female, has sex with someone else alone on a one time or limited basis. Such an experience is arousing for both and something they can both share.

Cuckolding:

Means the female is the one who is taking the “dominating” role or is the one who is having sex with someone else outside of the relationship. This author believes there are two forms of cuckolding one that involves BDSM in particular Domination / Submission with elements of humiliation and another version that follows more along the lines of an open relationship whereby the male partner remains monogamous.

Cuckqueaning :

Feminine version of cuckolding whereby it is the male who takes on the “dominating” role and this form appears to be less common the cuckolding.

Dogging:

A practice that is common in England, whereby a couple has sex in public, typically in their car or in a secluded area. If there are others in the area they will invite someone to watch them or participate. Normally the areas are not well known and tend to be areas that afford the participants some privacy.

DP:

Sexual position used in a mmf threesome whereby one male penetrates the woman’s vagina while the other penetrates her anally. A less typical form of DP involves both males penetrating the woman’s vagina at the same time.

Emotional Monogamy:

Couple remains emotionally exclusive to each other and will have threesomes together. The focus of the threesome is not forming an emotional relationship with the third person and the focus for the couple is the physical enjoyment of sex. Typically couples who want to remain emotionally monogamous to each other will participate in soft-swinging, full threesome, and cuckolding if it is done for as a one-off situation.

Friend with Benefits:

This activity shares common characteristics with threesomes and has been included in the discussion. Friends with benefits is arguably a secondary open relationship and is defined by the friends being able to enter into other relationships. The friendship and sex being about pleasure are the defining characteristics of the relationship. As long as the friends are able to maintain their friendship without developing an emotional attachment the relationship can continue. However, once feelings begin to develop the friends must decide to either develop the friendship into becoming a committed couple or end it.

Full Threesome / Threesome:

Term used to describe three people of legal age and having capable of giving consent having consensual sex.

Hetroflexible:

Term used to describe someone who is heterosexual but has the ability to have limited sexual encounters with someone of the same gender.

Host:

Person(s) making the arrangements for a threesome

Invited third person:

A person not a part of the relationship that is invited to join a couple for a threesome.

Lifestyle:

A term used to describe a couple or an single person that incorporates some type of group sex (e.g. threesome, wife swapping, orgy, etc) into their sexual repertoire. Essentially the practices becomes a part of their lives.

Ménage da Trios:

Translation means love of threes and it is sometimes incorrectly used to describe threesomes. A ménage da trios threesome involves three people being in a relationship together and it is a variation of a threesome.

Monogamy:

A closed relationship whereby sex only occurs between the couple.

Munches:

An event where people who share similar interests in group sex (e.g. threesomes, foursomes, etc) come together to socialize and make new contacts. It is not meant as a venue for sex, like a swingers club, and is meant as a way to meet people who share similar interests.

Negotiated Infidelity:

Is a term that is interchangeably used to describe threesome, foursome, and any other group sex activity. There are some, including this author, who prefer not to use this term since it implies that any form of group sex activity involves infidelity and implies infidelity is agreeable in the relationship because it is negotiated. This author believes that as long as any group sex activity occurs within the boundaries the couple has agreed then no infidelity has occurred.

Off Premise / Off Premise Club:

A gathering / event where the opportunity to meet people who share similar interests in group sex but no sex at the premise occurs. These take various forms such as munches or regular meetings at the same place.

On Premise /On Premise Club:

A venue where group sex occurs, such as a swingers club.

One-Off:

Term used to describe a threesome that only occurs once with the invited third person

Open Relationship:

There are two parts to an open relationship a primary relationship that involves the couple who agrees to open their relationship and normally takes priority over any secondary relationship. Secondary relationship is a relationship whereby emotional attachment is formed with someone outside of the primary relationship. In addition an open relationship can take two forms whereby one remains monogamous and this is typically seen in a cuckolding situation or where both members of the couple form relationships with people outside of the relationship. In order for an open relationship to work and not destroy the primary relationship, it requires a lot of communication, negotiating, and boundaries.

Physical Monogamy:

Couple who do not have sex with someone outside of their relationship. However, depending on their definition of soft-swinging, soft-swinging maybe practiced while keeping the couple physically monogamous.

Polyamory:

Can take on many forms and involve more than three people. However, when it regards threesomes it involves all three being equals in the relationship.

Primary Relationship:

A married couple or a couple in a committed relationship.

Relationship:

Developing a physical and emotional attachment with another person for the purpose of having a sex that goes beyond having a one off or limited sexual encounter.

Reconnecting:

Process by which a couple reestablish their physical and emotional bonds that they shared prior to the threesome. This does not mean their bonds will be identical prior to the threesome. It does mean the bonds will be reestablished but may be different after the threesome.

Same page:

Having the same understanding. Secondary Relationship: A term used to describe a sexual relationship that is formed outside of the primary relationship.

Slut:

Has three definitions: societal, dictionary, and lifestyle. Society’s definition is used as a derogatory term to mean a woman who is ‘easy.’ The dictionary definition implies a woman who has multiple partners and / or multiple relationships at the same time, akin to a threesome, cuckold, menage de trios, or open relationship. Whereas the lifestyle definition builds on the dictionary definition. It used as an empowering term describing a woman who is not bound by society’s limitation and chooses multiple partner’s at the same time. I have seen it used, on occasion,  to describe a woman who has a threesome but more of the time I have seen it used in the context of a woman who cuckold’s her boyfriend / husband.

Soft-swinging:

A male is invited to interact with the couple but intercourse does not occur with the invited male. This implies if a m-f couples invites a female for a fmf threesome where the male watches soft-swinging is not occurring.

Soft-swap:

Another term for soft-swinging.

Split Roast:

A position used in a two male threesome whereby one male penetrates the female’s vagina while the woman performs oral sex or masturbates the other male.

Submissive:

1) BDSM – it is someone who is willing to submit themselves to the direction of another. Failure to comply with the direction given usually results in some form of punishment. 2) Threesome – Someone who is willing to take direction or is less likely to initiate sex. 3) Cuckolding / Cuckqueaning – the individual who remains monogamous while their partner has sex with someone outside of the relationship. Typically sex is either limited or withheld from the submissive individual in order to increase arousal. Sometimes chastity devices are used in order to prevent the submissive individual from masturbating due to their increased arousal.

Swinging:

A term that is applied to various ‘group sex’ activities, including threesomes and it is a term with various definitions. On this site, swinging means a lifestyle choice in which a couple or a single person seeks out threesomes.

Unicorn:

Single female that is interested in having threesome. The term unicorn is used due to the fact they are rare, like a unicorn.

Voyeur:

Someone who watches other people have sex. Typically this is seen in soft-swinging and fmf situations where the male watches.

Wife swapping / wife sharing:

In the context of a threesome this is typically this is done between two m-f couples whereby the f male of one couple joins the other couple for a threesome and typically the other reciprocates.  The purpose, allows each couple to have a fmf threesome without having to look for the elusive unicorn. Alternatively this is done whereby one male takes on a voyeur role watching his female partner having sex with another couple.

Threesome Variations


Introduction

To many, defining the different types of threesomes is arbitrary and is nothing more than an academic exercise Nonetheless, defining types of threesomes is important because it helps in ensuring everyone has the same understanding thereby making communicating easier. Also, it helps to ensure those participating in the threesome understand the implied expectations.

A part of my hope in writing this couples who are considering threesomes will use this as a guide in determining what type of threesome might be suited for them. Therefore, I would not necessary expect this to be read like a story and instead I would expect it to be used as a reference.

Next, this author mentions friend with benefit since it is this author’s feeling friend with benefit fits under the heading of a secondary open relationship and it shares characteristics with a threesome.

Finally, in this article, I will do a basic overview but before beginning my discussion, I do need to define the term monogamy since it is integral to the topic of threesomes.

Monogamy Definition

Defining monogamy is important because it will help a couple define how far they are willing to go with having a threesome and it will help the reader understand how the threesomes differ in their practices. In addition, it will make it easier for the rest of this article if there is a common definition of monogamy. Essentially monogamy can be broken down into two parts, physical and emotional.

Physical Monogamy

Physical monogamy is what most couples think of when they hear the word monogamy essentially means sexual contact is exclusive to the couple. This means the couple does not have sexual contact with people outside of their relationship.

Emotional Monomgamy

Whereas neglecting emotional monogamy from the discussion regarding monogamy is common but it is essential for understanding threesomes. Emotional monogamy means the couple maintains an exclusive emotional bond that they do not share with anyone else and if they have a threesome the type of activity they seek out is an activity that focuses on the physical aspect of sex. This means the couple will work at keeping themselves emotionally detached from the invited third person and work at maintaining that bond. At this point if you are a bit confused, do not worry, as it will become more apparent as you further read.

Traditional Threesome

Non-penetrative Threesomes

Role Playing

Role-playing by definition is acting out a scene that involves a third person joining the couple for sex and the defining characteristic of role-playing is the idea of having a threesome remains a fantasy.  Even though it remains a fantasy, it does not mean the couple cannot incorporate some realistic. It mean for a couple that wants to test their level of comfort with the idea may go as far as going into public where one member of the couple interacts with someone in public and then discuss their level of comfort after it happens in order to determine what their next step may be. Such a test may give a couple a general idea of how they would feel seeing their partner becoming intimate with someone else, in their presence, but it is not an absolute indicator. In comparison, some couples may take a more conservative approach by designing their scene in the bedroom and using toys as a way of simulating the third person.

monogamy and Soft-swinging

Definition of soft swinging has many variations. Some definitions are very restrictive that does not involve activity beyond a voyeur for the invited third person and some definitions are quite liberal that will include oral sex. At least for me, regardless of the definition the key element of soft swinging is no penetration with the invited person. This could mean in a two women threesome the women perform oral on each other but it becomes questionable if some form of penetration occurs. In addition, it means in a two-woman threesome that there is no sex occurring between the male and the invited woman and likewise in a two male threesome the invited male does not have sex with either member of the couple. Therefore, physical and emotional monogamy is possible in this type of threesome.

Penetration

Full-swap

Characteristics

Regardless of the form, the threesome takes there are two features that define it. First characteristic is this type of threesome is short-term. Short-term means from an one-off situation to a threesome with the same group for a period of no more than two years but in most cases the threesome ends much sooner than that. This means that the couple and the invited third person maintain a boundary that keeps the couple from incorporating the third person into the couple’s relationship and allows the couple to maintain an emotional distance from third person. By keeping an emotional distance, it allows the couple to maintain their emotional monogamy and enjoy the physical aspects that the threesome provides them. It also means the attraction by couple does not need to be a complete physically, emotionally, and intellectually attraction to the third person. Their attraction only needs to be to the level where the decision about having sex with the third person and this means they will have a greater choice of people to choose from since for this type of a threesome the attraction does not need to be complete.  Because of the incomplete attraction, developing friendships that goes beyond the threesome does not normally happen and means the decision time about having a threesome with that person is shorter. Typically, the relationship will end because the threesome with the third person is no longer useful, it was a one-off situation, or feelings were developing thereby causing the threesome to end. Essentially this means, for lack of a better word, the third person becomes a tool for the couple to enhance their pleasure.

Second characteristic is that both members of the couple are equally involved in the threesome. This does not mean that each individual in the couple has equal time in the threesome. Instead, it means both members of the couple are involved in the threesome and share the responsibility for having it.

Traditional threesome

This is the very traditional threesome whereby sex will occur between the invited person and the couple. However, the couple remains emotionally monogamous to each other.  There is a full spectrum of activity. It can mean one member of the couple takes on a voyeur role, watching, to full participation. It could also mean that one member of the couple leaves the room while their partner and the invited third person has sex.

Cuckold

Grouping cuckold under traditional threesomes instead of open relationships because a cuckold I feel a cuckold has more in common with the traditional threesome than an open relationship. A cuckold takes, takes one of two forms. One form is a part of BDSM play that involves humiliation, typically female domination and involves an open relationship, which the one who is being cuckold remains monogamous. For me this is out of the scope of this piece and I will not discuss here. Second form resembles more of the traditional type of threesome or an open relationship. Under the more traditional threesome, the cuckold occurs as either a one-off or very limited time meeting. This type of threesome occurs as a shared experience whereby one member of the couple goes off to have sex with someone else and then shares the experience with their partner.

Dogging

This is a threesome variation that is common in Britain and there are sites dedicated to this activity in Britain. Dogging basically involves going to a known dogging location and meeting strangers for sex. Typically it is a couple that drives to a dogging location and invites another / others to either watch or participate. From a safety standpoint this practice does pose a risk to personal safety and it can involve a risk to privacy especially if an arrest is made.

Friends with Benefits

Arguably, this is not a form of a threesome, nonetheless it does share characteristics of a threesome. The defining feature of a friend with benefits is a secondary open non-monogamous relationship and the focus is sex instead of forming a relationship. It means both individuals in the relationship are either involved with someone else in a primary relationship or have the option of being involved with someone else.

Poly / Ménage a Trios

Typically the term manage a trios is interchangeably used with threesomes. Nonetheless, a ménage a trio is a specific type of threesome. It is situation where all are in the relationship and all are equals in the relationship. This means that a ménage a trios relationship is unlike a traditional threesome in the sense that a relationship is formed with the third person. In addition, a ménage a trios relationship is unlike an open relationship because there is not a distinction between primary and secondary relationships. Essentially this means the third person, in theory has an equal say in the relationship but from a practical standpoint in order for this type of relationship to survive, this author feels there has to be some type of hierarchical order. Hierarchical order generally means invited third is a more submissive thereby understanding their role in the relationship and not being a threat to the other member of the same gender.

Open Relationship

One of the confusions regarding threesomes, I believe, is equating threesomes with open relationships. My feeling they share similar characteristics and there is some overlap. However, I do feel there is a distinction between threesomes and open relationships.  Open relationship is unique in the sense that it allows the formation of multiple relationships with various levels of emotional involvement with each partner. This means that they can be one-night stand, short-term relationships, or a relationship that is ongoing that lasts for years. For an open relationship to exist it does not mean both partners have to form another relationship outside of their relationship. Instead, it could mean that one partner forms a relationship with someone outside of their relationship and the other person remains physically monogamous.

The defining feature of an open relationship that separates it from ménage a trios is the formation of primary and secondary relationships. Primary relationship is arguably the couple’s relationship that takes priority over any relationship formed outside of the relationship, secondary relationship. This means unlike a poly / ménage a trios relationship there is less involvement of other half of the couple and a lot of the activity may be done without much knowledge. It also means another defining feature of an open relationship versus ménage a trios is the focus on individual involvement and knowledge versus couple.

It does not mean that the couple maintains the relationship for appearances sake and they are two individuals living together. Instead, it means, based on the boundaries established regarding this activity, the information regarding their partner’s activity is much more limited and other factors such as allegiance to their lover can factor more heavily in deciding what information to share. Essentially an open relationship can mean knowing less detail about what is occurring but it means more work by the couple to keep their relationship together.

Planning a threesome – In detail.


Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

Introduction

What do you think of when you hear the words, planning a threesome? It can invoke an image of an erotic experience being deprived of the emotional complications that come from being in a relationship. A threesome, at it simplest element,  physical enjoyment.  For others the image of threesome planning  may invoke a feeling it is for anal-retentive couples who have to plan every detail of their lives and planning a threesome is waste of time because it detracts from the excitement of having a threesome. Whatever image it conjures for you, planning a threesome should not be seen as a negative event. Instead it should be seen as an activity that is shared together bringing the relationship closer together. It should also be seen as a way to help the relationship relationship survive by mitigating the risk a threesome can bring to the relationship.

Defining Planning & Overview of this opinion piece

In order to prevent confusion regarding what is mean by planning a threesome, in this article planning a threesome means examining the idea of having a threesome from various angles in order to reach an agreement, understanding what is going to happen, finding a way to work through any unresolved issues and to cover any issue that may get overlooked. Essentially, planning a threesome is the process brings together any concern, highlights any expectation and outputs a plan to ensure that each person’s interest is addressed. Also it is the map of the journey in having a threesome and how to get there. Therefore, while there is no one way to examine the issue of planning threesome, this article will provide an opinion of a way addressing it by examining a few of the core elements this author feels that needs to be included. Finally it should be noted, this article is not meant to be an exhaustive treatise on the subject and is only meant to provide a rudimentary template for couples to adapt to their situation.

The Basics & Assumptions

By now the initial discussion has happened and there is, at some level, an agreement to explore how a potential threesome might operate. At this stage in this journey, there may be a flurry of emotion ranging from panic due to not knowing what to expect to excitement of seeing your partner having sex with someone else or excitement arising from being able to have sex with someone else. Nonetheless, tempering excitement occurs because the uncertainty that a threesome brings and the beginning realization that if the threesome turns bad then the relationship may end. Such a realization produces mixed feelings and uncertainty, in which taking some time to plan could possibly resolve.

To begin with, before embarking on this activity the couple needs to make their decision based on the right reasons and this will be discussed more in a few moments, see Example #3.  Planning a threesome in a very broad sense is an agreement that dictates how the threesome will operate, how the third person will be selected, and how potential issues will be addressed. It draws on each others limitations, each others expectations, each others concerns, each others desires and fuses them into a plan. Essentially, it provides a framework that the couple can use and it can provide a sense of security since it defines the limits. Second, the plan is something that is adaptable, meaning the plan is flexible so that it can change as more information becomes available. Third, the plan cannot be vague and it needs to have some detail to it. Level of detail needs to be at a level that there is no confusion about what has been agreed. Without having some detail to the plan the risk increases that a misunderstanding will occur. Fourth, it needs to cover the essential aspects of the threesome, the aspects of having a threesome that would create problems if it was not clarified.  Finally any plan must have participants who freely choose to participate without coercion, pressure, or manipulation. It also means that the couple has taken time to consider the risks, included in their plan ways to address the risks, and are nonetheless willing to take them.

360 ° Overview of Planning a Threesome

1)      Fantasy versus Reality and knowing the difference

Planning a threesome in many ways is like being a child in a toy store, there are so many options and decisions to make that it can be overwhelming. At the start of the threesome journey many possibilities can be envisioned with many possible routes there is pressure to do as many possible. By planning the threesome it helps to map-out the route to be taken and what will be selected from the many shelves in the store. This will help the couple manage their expectations and help them have more realistic expectations about the threesome. Below are four examples of how this topic can influence planning a threesome.

Example # 1: One example is the desire to perform DP on the female half of the couple. From a logistical standpoint DP can be very difficult to do and for males it can call into question their sexuality. For a couple just starting out not knowing their limits doing DP might not be the best choice and it may be something that requires a level of trust that needs to be built with the third person in order to allow it to happen. This is example demonstrates DP might be a better choice if the couple decides to return to the store.

Example #2: A couple may have a porn movie image of a threesome whereby it happens naturally and it is a completely erotic experience whereby guys have permanent erection that can hold off hours before they cum and women get instantly aroused when they see more than one erect “cock”.  If this is the image a couple has then their question should be, how realistic is it? This example demonstrates the need to do some research on the subject. By researching the subject it can remove some of the misheld beliefs about threesomes and set realistic expectations about having one.

Example #3: Reasons for having a threesome – Is it the right reason?

While writing this piece where to place was a big struggle for me and ultimately I decided to place here. My reason for placing it here with a title is because this topic falls under the definition of fantasy versus reality. In this sense the fantasy of having a threesome is rooted in the magical thinking that having a threesome is a panacea for all problems in a relationship while ignoring the problems that it can create for a relationship. Furthermore it challenges those planning a threesome to think about the reason for wanting to have a threesome before embarking on the journey to plan the threesome and while planning their threesome each individual should ask them what the reason for wanting to have a threesome is? If the reason is to prevent cheating, add spice to the relationship, feeling pressure to have one, to fix a troubled relationship, wanting to have one because it is a quick way to get “laid, it looks fun in the movies, or being coerced into having one then this author feels the reason to have a threesome may be wrong due to the reason for wanting to have a threesome is based more in fantasy thinking than the realities of having a threesome.

Example #4: Boundaries are not needed and told my partner they can do anything they want in the threesome because I want them to be able to experience a threesome without restrictions:

In this author’s opinion this belief is reminiscent of humanistic ideas like unconditional love. Granted in most cases a parent’s love is unconditional. Nonetheless what happens if the child announces they are gay or is arrested for selling drugs because they are a part of a gang. For some parents there is a limit, even temporary, to their unconditional love. Likewise when it comes to planning a threesome there needs to be some discussion, especially if you are starting out. To say there are no boundaries says, in this author’s opinion, that having a threesome takes priority  quite magical thinking for someone starting out and it demonstrates the lack of understanding of what is involved in a threesome. It ignores that everyone has a limit and this author feels it demonstrates that there is a lack of communication that exists with the couple.

2)      What will a threesome mean for the relationship?

For a couple wanting to have a threesome, maintaining the relationship after the threesome happens and minimizing the negative impact of the threesome is necessary to preserve their relationship. This means asking the above question will help a couple begin to identify areas that they need to examine and it is a question that needs to be asked regularly, as they plan their threesome. By asking this question on a regular basis and asking it as it relates to each part of their plan it can to help identify those areas that may cause problems if not addressed in more detail. Plus by asking this question it will help ensure that both continue wanting to have a threesome and that both are willing to undertake the risk, thereby helping to ensure that this is a mutual decision.

3)      Boundaries

Talking about boundaries for some can be depressing because it means the discussion will slow down the pace in having a threesome and it acknowledges that a threesome can adversely impact a relationship. Starting point for the discussion of boundaries lies in the recognition that having a threesome is a mutual decision in which all share an equal responsibility for it happening. This means that each person is responsible for their decisions, they are responsible for what happens to them, and they are responsible for their feelings.

Also, it is important to remember that boundaries act as a safety net by defining the limits of the threesome, address concerns in order to allow a threesome to happen, and even though there may be some implied boundaries, such as ‘no means no,’ boundaries for the most part boundaries are unique to the couple. Moreover, it is important to remember that agreeing to boundaries is only ½ of the process the other half involves stating your boundaries to the third person. In a two male threesome the invited male can share their expectations / boundaries but with the couple having a plethora choices for potential male invites, if he gets to be too pushy then the couple can easily choose someone else. Unfortunately when it comes to a two woman situation the couple needs to be open about negotiating their boundaries if they want to make it happen and if they do not then they may find that they have a long search. This does not mean that a couple should give up a “must have” boundary for a two female threesome but instead it means they need to understand the less they are willing to negotiate on boundaries then the longer it may take them.

 

4)      Activities in a threesome

Determining what activities can occur in a threesome sounds a lot like planning a trip to a distant exotic country where there is a lot do and experience. When planning an exotic trip some of the excitement becomes tempered when confronted with issues like cost, time, and distance to travel. Like planning a trip to an exotic country, the tempering of the excitement for a threesome occurs when discussing what can occur in a threesome and realizing there are competing demands such as personal comfort limits. This means in order for threesome to work individuals needs to be in tune with their limits, be able to discuss them openly, and being willing to listen to other people’s limits thereby being able to reach a compromise that works for all.

With that said, the best advice for couples that are just beginning exploring threesomes is to keep it simple, do not trying anything too extreme their first time, and stay within their comfort limits. After having a few threesomes a couple will get beyond the thrill of having one and begin to understand where their limits currently exist. If they push their limits too much the individual may find that they are left feeling bad about the experience or may burnout too quickly. For couples who are want to progress slowly or not 100% sure that having a full threesome is for them then they may want to consider a “soft-swing” situation where the invited person participates but no intercourse happens between the couple and the invited third person. By considering soft-swinging it will allow the couple to progress slowly and discover where their limits lie.

5)      Selecting a third person

This has been covered to some extent in a previous article and the same information will not be repeated here. Nonetheless, it is important that the couple begins discussing the type of person that they want to invite and understand, a bit, of the reasoning for it. Talking about the type of person to invite and agreeing to the broad characteristics that the person needs will serve as a template from which the couple will make their decision and it will serve as a boundary from which they will not exceed.  Without including the discussion of what type of person to invite it leaves open the possibility that the wrong person may be selected and by talking about the type of person to invite it reduces the chance that the wrong decisions regarding selection will be made.

6)      Safe word or Signals

Safe word means a word that they couple recognizes but the selected third person does not recognize. Unlike the term safe word when used in a BDSM context to mean a word that cannot be confused with the scene that brings the action to a stop without question or retribution due to a level discomfort. In this situation, a safe word is a word where the couple knows the meaning and the meaning is meant to be a signal. Likewise, instead of using a word to signal something the couple could opt to use a gesture or a behavior to serve the same purpose. The signal could be approval, disapproval, or anything else the couple feels as though they need to communicate to each other. Problem here is if too many words are being used, complex signals, or too many signs then it can create confusion. Therefore it is best to have a very limited number of words or signals.

7)      To accommodate or travel?

The idea of accommodating someone or traveling to have a threesome can invoke different feelings. It can seem natural for some as an extension of being social in order to have a threesome and for others it can invoke a strong reaction of saying ‘no.’ Furthermore, for couples that live in rural areas or are struggling to find a third person to invite this maybe the only solution, other than waiting longer to find someone. Accommodating takes on different meaning for different people and each couple has their own feeling on this subject. In this article, accommodating means having the invited individual spend the night with the couple at their request at either their home or staying in the same hotel room. Whereas traveling refers to traveling a significant distance, greater than 50 miles in order to meet.

The starting point for consideration this author feels is examining the distance traveled to meet, the time expected for the threesome to end, and time demands on all participants immediately after the threesome. Consider such issues include does one of them have to work shortly after the threesome. Will there be guests or children coming to visit? What time the threesome might end or did end?

Another point to consider is what space is available and where they would stay. A logical conclusion would be that they would stay in the bed with the couple. However, the couple may want time afterward to connect, reinforce the idea that they are a couple or that they want to keep an emotional distance from the invited third person. In such a case then having them stay in the bed afterwards is not a good idea. This brings up the idea of having them stay in another bedroom, hotel room, or if sharing a hotel room then having them sleep in a separate bed. Final point would be other ancillary issues like how long would they stay, how would it be signaled that it was time for them to leave, and what items would be available for them to use.

Finally, at least from this author’s perspective accommodating should not occur especially if the invited third person lives either in the same town or within a short-distance, such as 50 miles. Regarding traveling, traveling needs to be done by the invited person unless the distance is great or they do not drive. In a situation where there is a large distance between the couple and the third person then finding somewhere about halfway that is agreeable to both should occur. Additionally this author feels that accommodating is something that should not necessarily be done by couples just starting out because it can pose some issues for them, such as developing feelings for the invited third person.

8) Risks

In a previous article this author addressed the topic of risk and will not restate it. Instead this section will briefly discuss how risk and boundaries relate. It goes without saying that having a threesome, regardless of how well it is planned out or how stable a couple’s relationship is, will undertake some type of risk. This risk can be pregnancy, risk to safety, risk of STD / STI, or risk to their relationship to name a few. Since each couple and each threesome is different it is impossible to develop a universal set of risks for a threesome and how to address them. Instead each couple needs to communicate what they feel are the risks, how they can be address and how they can be either eliminated or significantly reduced. From those discussions the couple can have a plan on how to deal with risks that come up and how to address risk as they happen. This type of communication will underpin and shape how the boundaries develop. Without taking time to discuss risk and understand the type of risks that will be faced leaves, this author feels, the couple vulnerable due to a large area this is missing from the discussion.

9) Writing down the plan or remember it?

Granted the idea of writing down the plan for a threesome, outstanding issues, and points that need to be followed up reads as though the last few pieces of enjoying a threesome is being sucked out. However writing it down helps to avoid confusion, ensures that outstanding points gets addressed and everyone can remember what has been discussed. At least from this author’s perspective writing down the plan and making notes about what has been discussed will help to ensure that everyone is “on the same page” regarding the threesome.

11) Environment

The environment of where a threesome happens is something that can easily get overlooked and where the threesome occurs can have a big impact on its enjoyment. Without having an area where you can have it without being distracted, without being interrupted, and being a place where you feel secure, it will mean that the threesome is not as enjoyable as you expected.  For a couple with children it means that any threesome should not happen in the home when they are there. Beyond the potential safety issue and potential awkwardness it may create for you should your child begin to ask questions, the other issue is that children can become a distraction especially if they are desiring your attention while the third person is present for the threesome.

Along with the logistical concerns other facts such as lighting, color, comfort, and the mood that the room sets all can play a factor. This means taking time to consider issues like temperature and how the room makes you feel.  Another consideration is where it will be happening. This means taking into consideration what is being planned, the size of the area, the size of the bed(s), and any other features that may need to be considered. The area has to be large enough to allow three people to change, interact, clean-up, and have a bit of personal space. Also it means the area has to be large enough so that everyone is not fumbling over the others.

12) Emotional Monogamy / Physical Monogamy

In essence this relates to the type of threesome being planned and the extent to which the couple wants to remain monogamous to each other. Emotional monogamy relates to the level of emotional involvement with the third person or simply put the extent to which a long-lasting deep emotional relationship is formed them them.  This is akin to an open relationship or polyamory. Whereas is Physical Monogamy involves the level of physical involvement with the the third person in the threesome.

12) Debriefing

Debriefing is simply talking through the experience in order to work through any issues, to address any concerns, review the plan, make any changes, and decide the next step for the couple. Essentially debriefing is the final step in which the couple try to resolve any issues that may have come up, decide what worked, and decide what their next step will be. It is important, this author feels, that debriefing happens right after the threesome ends and as a part of the plan the couple needs to consider how close to the ending of the threesome this will occur.

12) Miscellaneous Topics

If you have made it this far, we are almost done with this subject but there are a few loose ends that need to be tied together. One loose end is the question, how long do you need to plan? Each couple is different with different needs, different concerns, and varying levels of familiarity with each other. Planning can be fairly quick if there is broad agreement and the only thing that is needed is clarifying a few points. However if each person has a different idea about how the threesome will look then it may take some time before a common understanding that leads to agreement will occur.

Second loose end is how often does this plan need to be reviewed? Again it depends on the couple and the level of detail. At a minimum there should be three points. One point is before discussing the plan, whereby each individual states their preference. Then work out the plan keep track of what has been agreed and before the threesome happens taking the plan out to go through it in order to see if it is workable based on what has been discussed. Third point would be after having a threesome then reviewing to see what worked and what needs to be improved.

Third loose end regards the level of detail that is needed. Detail helps to minimize any misunderstanding and cuts down on possible confusion. However it is possible to get too fixated on the details where the plan becomes unmanageable and difficult to understand. Therefore there has to be a balance between detail and simplicity.

Fourth before looking for a third person does the plan need to be completed? Answer is ‘no’ but a framework should be in place. At a minimum some boundaries and the type of person to choose should be agreed before any searching happens. Plus as things become more certain then the plan can be modified to reflect any changes.

Fifth is there anytime when the plan should not be changed? This author feels the closer you get meeting the third person for a threesome the plan should not be changed unless it relates to safety or a risk that could have a negative impact.  Reason for stating this is because emotions, not logic, may begin to influence decisions and the wrong decision may be made. However if there is a safety issue or a risk was identified that could cause problems if it did happen then that should not stop the change from being made.  If it does not relate to risk or safety then in most cases it should be left until debriefing to discuss.

Sixth how do you plan for safety? Having a detailed discussion is beyond the scope of this document. Safety, from a threesome perspective, covers at least three areas: personal / emotional, environment, and sexual health. The key is to examine your plan and think about the issues of regarding safety. This could be creating an online alias, insisting on safe-sex, and not giving out contact details until you are confident that a meeting will take place. Also it could be developing a safe-word to let your partner know that you are not comfortable, letting someone know you are going to be out for the evening, or not having sex on your first meet with someone new.

Conclusion & Putting Plan into Action

Planning for a threesome means examining the planned threesome from all possible angles to determine its strengths, it weaknesses, and how to address the needs of those involved. By having, a plan that can be easily adapted to any change will help make a threesome successful. In addition, it means having a plan that is easy to understand will minimize any possible confusion about the plan for the threesome. This means a workable plan will provide a framework for the threesome and help everyone understand the expectations. Nonetheless it will not eliminate all risk of having a threesome nor will it guarantee that there will not be any problems. However it will go a long way to help to protect the relationship and help minimize any problems that may happen. Without a plan that will guide the couple on their journey it will leave them in the dark about each others needs and concerns thereby increasing the chance for misunderstanding. Therefore, a plan can be said is a way for the couple to ensure their needs are met and minimize the chance that it will be misunderstood.

Basic Threesome FAQ


spicesBasic threesome information for the novice

Will a threesome destroy our relationship?

This author believes a threesome will not necessarily destroy a relationship but this author believes, a threesome can act as a catalyst bringing up underlying relationship issues to the surface faster.

Can a threesome fix a troubled relationship or add spice to it?

A threesome cannot fix a trouble relationship or relationship that has become stagnant. In this type of situation it is likely the threesome will make the relationship worse, not better.

Is inviting an ex or a co-worker a good idea to a threesome?

While a few threesomes might work using an ex or a co-worker, most likely this is an ill-advised choice. This is due to the potential risks they pose to the couple. Typical risks for inviting a co-worker include sexual harassment claims, loss of job, loss of privacy, problems at work, and a greater chance cheating might occur. For an ex the biggest risk is the relationship might restart again leading to cheating or the relationship ending.

My partner becomes quite aroused of the idea of having a threesome during foreplay is it advisable to arrange one and then surprise them with it?

No. There is a difference between fantasy and reality, especially when it comes to threesomes. If your partner has expressed an interest in having a threesome then it is best to speak to them outside of the bedroom and at a time when there is no distractions.

My partner has expressed an interest in having a threesome, have they stopped loving me? Do they want a divorce?

You will need to speak to them if you are concerned. However, in most cases it can be a compliment because they feel secure enough in the relationship and want to explore their boundaries with you. Therefore, it is likely the answer to this question is no.

What is soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging has a variety of definitions but at the core of the definition it means no penetration (oral, vaginal, or anal) by the invited third person.

What are the different types of threesomes?

  • Soft-swinging
  • Full threesome
  • Cuckolding
  • Ménage a trios
  • Polyamory: couple with an invited third
  • Open relationship
  • Fantasy Play / Role Playing
  • Dogging
  • Friends with Benefits (can be)

My husband / partner wants a mfm threesome, does it mean he is gay?

Most likely no, most threesomes are two male threesomes that are straight.  Very few two male threesomes involve male on male activity due to risk of STDs / STIs. If you are in doubt then speak to them about it.

After bringing up the idea, how long does it take before we are ready to have a threesome?

It can take any where from a few weeks to a few years depending on the couple. There are some couples that may ultimately decide a threesome is not for them.

My husband and I want a fmf threesome, is it true that it is difficult to find a single woman to join us?

Reality is very few single women are interested in having a fmf threesome with a couple and those who those that are interested are in very high demand. This means a single woman can be selective in the couple she chooses and it means the couple can spend well over a year searching. Best advice would be to search for another couple that is willing to share the female with you but be ready that they will expect that you reciprocate.

Where can we find a threesome?

There are many places to look for a threesome and many opportunities that happen can lead to a threesome. The challenge is knowing which ones will be fruitful versus being a waste of time. Below are a few suggestions:

  • Online dating and threesomes sites.
  • There are a few smart phone apps being produced for this type of search and are beginning making it into the market.
  • Swingers club (not recommended for those just starting out)
  • Swingers party (not recommended for those just starting out)
  • Friends (risky and requires a lot of thought)

Defining cheating


As children we saw a cheater as someone who broke the rules to win and learnt sex outside of marriage was wrong. Then as an adult we saw a cheater as someone who significantly benefited when they skirted their moral, though not necessarily a legal obligations. However, as we became adults the black and white definition of cheating became diffuser. No longer was cheating black and white as it was when we were children. As we became older and started dating we learned cheating was not a religious issue, it was not a moral issue, but an issue based on definition. We learned cheating was based on applying the context of the situation to our beliefs.

If you were to ask a 100 people what is cheating in a relationship you will receive 100 different answers. This means there is no universal or widely accepted answer for cheating. Instead cheating comes down to the couple’s definition and their boundaries.  For this article cheating means intentionally or recklessly violating the agreed or implied boundaries.

Boundaries for this discussion means, the implied and agreed limits of behavior. This means boundaries become established through repeated interaction and communication. By having established boundaries, it serves as the foundation for the defining cheating and if the boundary is violated then cheating has occurred. This brings up the question what is an intentional violation versus an unintentional violation? Intentional means a knowing or reckless disregard for the boundary.  An example is:

Couple A, Joe & Mary, set a boundary for a threesome that it will be soft-swinging with no vaginal penetration. The threesome occurs and in the heat of the moment Mary allows vaginal penetration. Does this mean cheating has occurred?

The starting point here is the boundary, of no vaginal penetration, and from Mary’s action her behavior clearly violated the boundary. However, without more information, it is possible the boundary may have been an unrealistic boundary that would have been broken.

An unrealistic boundary means the boundary would have been broken because maintaining the boundary would not be possible. It is possible, in this scenario, the couple did not consider the impact of arousal on decision making and Mary allowed penetration to occur because she thought Joe would enjoy it, based on his responses during the soft-swinging experience and Mary thought it was impractical to stop the threesome so that she could speak to Joe about it. Does this mean Mary has cheated?

The above scenario highlights an important aspect of boundaries and the definition of cheating, intention. Using the above fictitious couple lets assume they have another threesome and set another boundary for a full threesome, oral sex is acceptable provided the male does not cum in Mary’s mouth. Nonetheless, during their threesome the male cums in Mary’s mouth, does this mean Mary has cheated?

On the surface it appears that Mary has cheated but there are two questions that need to be answered. First, was the male a quick ejaculater? Meaning, he came too fast to allow her to react and essentially this was an unnecessary boundary. Second what knowledge did Mary have about him being ready to cum and did she have sufficient warning to prevent him from cumming in her mouth? In this author’s opinion the above scenario may mean there was no cheating because there was not intention.

What does this all mean? It means cheating is defined by  established boundaries but it is dependent on the context of the actions of the individual. It is possible that a boundary is violated but no cheating did not occur since the individual’s behavior did not show they intended to cheat. Therefore, in planning a threesome it is necessary to consider the boundary and then consider how realistic that it will be followed in the planned threesome. Without taking the time to consider the impact of a boundary it may lead a couple to put in place boundaries that may make sense but are not practical thereby creating unnecessary conflict in their relationship.

Etiquette for placing and responding to an ad for a threesome


Introduction: How do you let others know you are interested in having a threesome? In the internet age ads are an avenue whereby an individual or a couple can attract others for a threesome.  It is in essence a calling card letting people, with similar interests, know you are interested in having a threesome and decisions are made based on the information you provide.

When placing an ad or responding to an ad for a threesome, have you ever considered the rules? If you have not then you are not alone, since most of us have not. Hopefully this article, along with future articles, will help you consider the points needed when placing or responding to an ad.

Ad Placer: The ad is piece of information that attracts readers and says to them why they should pick you over the others. It needs to keep the reader’s interest and should reflect your personality.  At a minimum the ad needs to include:

  • Your boundaries
  • Your sexual interests including anything you might be willing to try.
  • The type of person / couple you are searching for
  • The type of threesome you are wanting

At this point there may be a temptation be very general in order to get as many replies as possible. The problem with this approach is you will receive many replies that do not meet your requirements and will lead to a lot of time being wasted. Instead, being specific in an ad, maybe feel counter-intuitive but it helps to limit the replies from people that do not meet your criteria.

This now raises the question, how do you write the ad in order to protect your identity? Best way is by creating an alias that provides personal information without identifying you. For example if you are a Bob (44) & Jo (38) a married couple in Northbrook, Il. You can become John (42) & Melanie (35) from Chicago. Protecting your identity online takes precedence over providing too much information that can put you at risk.

Next question, how do you write an ad that people will read and will keep their attention?. The ad should be well-written free of spelling mistakes, free of slang, and grammatically correct. Also it should be written at the level of the type of person you are trying to attract and should avoid trying to offend anyone. Finally the proper etiquette for receiving a reply to an ad is to respond to the reply even if it is, “Thank you for your interest but regret to inform you we have decided at this time to consider other replies that closer meet our ad.”

After writing the ad and editing it another question arises, what about the use of photos? There is debate about the use of pictures in an ad and the type of picture to be used. This author is ambivalent about using pictures, due to the fact they can be photo shopped or be copied from someone-else photos, thereby not being the couple / individual who placed the ad; nonetheless photos do remain a way of showing legitimacy and way of building trust. Furthermore photos show viewers that you have an interest in the activity and give any potential playmate a first impression of who are.

So what type of photo should you use? There are some who will say face shots are necessary in order to determine attraction and know what the person looks like if they meet. Reality remains most photos are either genital shots or shots of the individual in some form of sexual act. This is due to the poster of the photo not wanting to “out” themselves and to protect their identity by not showing their face.

What is the proper etiquette for photos in a threesome ad? Personally, I do not see anything wrong with genital shots in an ad. Since, it is probably the only type of photo that someone who is not open with friends and family about their activity is comfortable providing. Moreover, I would recommend the ad contain a body shot, without the face (neck down), or a shot of the individual / couple fully clothed from a distance. However, pictures of faces that have been edited to hide their face (e.g. pixilated or black line through the face) or pictures of the individual / couple that have people around them removed.

Next, this leads to the question what should be left out of the ad? Any personal information must remain out of the ad, such as: address, phone number, real names, place of employment, number of children, any family information, or anything that can identify you.  Likewise, anything that does not directly relate to the reason for the ad can be kept out. For example you might want to include a bit of non-sexual information such as movie likes to attract a certain type of person to your ad but discussing your political views, for example, in an ad for a threesome has no place.

Finally this brings up the question, what is the etiquette for responding to an ad? Even if you are not interested then from an etiquette stand point you should respond with a simple, “thanks for taking the time to respond but we have decided to pursue other replies,” and if they ask for a reason then you can either ignore them or simply reinforce, you have chosen to pursue other replies without going into any more detail. However, if you find a reply you like then from an etiquette standpoint you should respond as quickly as possible and should try to build rapport with the replier by asking questions. At this point you probably should not ask for pictures or contact details until you have communicated enough with them to believe meeting is a strong possibility.

Responding to an ad:

Finding an individual or a couple that shares similar ideas can be quite exciting and being excited, can lead to loss of rationale when responding to an ad. It is possible to get “tunnel-vision,” by believing you are the only one responding or believing that the couple is going to chose you when the reality is, especially for couples looking for an mfm, they receive literally 100s of replies.

The starting point is finding a way to make your reply stand-out and be chosen for consideration. This means reading the ad in its entirety and responding to it directly. Think about why you are responding to their ad and what made it stand-out for you. Also consider the points about the type of person they want to meet and how you meet it. Your response does not need to be academic and it is important to let your personality show in your reply. However, remember your audience and remember the need to be respectful. If it is a couple you need to realize that male half, at some point will most likely read your reply.  This means providing a generic response, a mass reply response, or being overtly sexual in your first contact with the ad placer is unacceptable.

What happens if you do not meet all of their requirements but want to respond? The starting point, be realistic about your chances and accept the less you meet their requirements the less likely you will receive a favorable. Nonetheless take time to highlight how you meet the requirements while not emphasizing how you do not meet their requirements. If you receive a “thanks for responding but we are not interested,” reply then accept it.

This leads to the question what else should not be included in a reply? If the ad does not ask for a photo then do not send one since they will most likely check out your profile. Also do not send your phone number or contact details unless it is requested by them after communicating with you. Finally do not go into detail about your life or give information not being sought.

Last point, if you do not receive a response back then do not push for a decision and if the response is a ‘no’ then continue your search. The worst thing you can do in this situation is continue replying to the ad or trying to debate with the ad placer why they were wrong in not choosing you. At a minimum they will block you and at worse your account will be suspended. Therefore it is not worth the time looking for an explanation or trying to convince them why they made the wrong decision.

Conclusion: Being honest and being specific are two essential elements for etiquette when responding to an ad for a threesome. It is the foundation that allows trust to build and allows for the threesome to occur. Furthermore protecting your identity is paramount and nothing should put your identity at risk. Anyone who requests too much personal information should be avoided. Lastly it is important when responding to any ad that the reply directly relates to the ad placed.

A basic introduction understanding threesome risk


Introduction:

Risk is something that gets talked about a lot but few truly understand the term. From the moment we wake up in the morning, to the time we go work, and even when we sleep we face uncountable number of risks. If we took the time to plan for every conceivable risk and then thought about how we could mitigate them we would spend our lives preparing for events that may never happen. It would create a life full of anxiety about worrying about might happened instead of being able to live our lives. Through our learning experiences we have developed mechanisms that allow us to filter out inconceivable risks in order for us to lead productive lives while still being aware of possible risks. This process exists for threesomes but instead of using the autopilot to sort through the risks in daily life, it becomes necessary to sort through them on a more detailed level. Without having some understanding of risk, planning a threesome becomes more difficult. The purpose of this article is to briefly look at the issue of risk by examining a hypothetical situation and then showing how examining the threesome for risks works.

Risk – defined

When discussing threesomes, risk can be simply thought of as the chance that an event will occur that will results in some damage being done to the relationship. Essentially risk is the element that makes each threesome unique from similar threesomes that other couples may have and it is the one thing that prevents providing generic advice almost impossible since it requires knowing about the couple. For planning a threesome the couple also needs to consider the impact of that the risk would have on their safety and relationship. Along with considering the expected damage to be done the couple also needs to consider the likelihood, chance, that the expected event will occur. This means risk runs the full spectrum from events that are likely to occur with minimal impact to the relationship to events that are very unlikely to occur but if they did occur would have a devastating impact on the relationship.

Risk – applied

Hypothetically let us assume John & Jane have been married for 10 years and Jane has suggested to John that she would like to have a threesome with a former boyfriend. There are several risk issues here and for the sake of the discussion only a few of the risks will be examined for this discussion:

  • Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband (discretion / privacy risk).
  • Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend
  • Relationship is adversely impacted

Analysis

1)       Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband

Impact:  Impact will vary greatly depending on their life circumstances and how open they are about this activity. For example, If Jane does not keep in contact with their previous friends that her former boyfriend & she kept or John & Jane have a different group of friends then impact might be low. However Jane & her former boyfriend met via a business contact then their job and customers might be impacted.

Chance of Occurring: This depends on to a large extent the former boyfriend and his ability to understand the need for discretion. Without further information this author would have to say chance is low since the former boyfriend will be outing himself too.

Way to mitigate: Generally speaking if the need for privacy and discretion is communicated to the third it is usually not an issue.

2)       Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend

Impact:  If Jane became pregnant the impact most likely would be devastating on the relationship with John.

Chance of Occurring: A function of several factors such as if Jane is pre-menopausal and if so when the threesome occurs in relationship to her menstrual cycle. Also it depends on what form of contraception is being used, if it is used as described, and if either of them has been sterilized. This means the chance of occurrence can be high.

Way to mitigate: Use of contraception, especially condom

3)       Relationship is adversely impacted

Impact:  If relationship is adversely impacted by having a threesome then it can have devastating consequences. The fact a former boyfriend has been invited greatly increases the risk. Risk rises further in this situation, if they have been sexually intimate or been a couple for a period of time, greater than 1 year. Therefore it is likely the impact is likely to be high.

Chance of Occurring: Chance of occurring is dependent on several factors, such as how much Jane told John about the relationship with the boyfriend, including any residual feelings for him. In addition the chance that this will adversely impact their relationship rises further if John is uncomfortable with this planned threesome and he is afraid to discuss this with Jane for fear of letting her down. Chance of this occurring is a function of how much communication has occurred and how comfortable John is with this situation.

Way to mitigate: Relationship between Jane & John is such that John is comfortable enough with Jane that he feels as though he can immediately discuss any concerns with her and she is willing to work with John to work through them. Also keeping the planned threesome to a one off whereby John is a full participant will help to lower the risk.

4)       Overall risk

There are potential for some very risky activities that could adversely impact the relationship, especially using a former boyfriend and the risk of pregnancy. Preserving the relationship and looking out for each other’s safety to be paramount when planning a threesome. It is possible with this planned threesome that the couple could lower their risk by finding ways to mitigate it.

Conclusion

The concept of risk is an involved topic that requires examining all aspects of a planned threesome. Reason for talking about risk, albeit briefly, is to get a couple planning a threesome to understand that a threesome carries risk, that the risk can be reduced though not completely eliminated, and the need to think about what is being planned. In addition this chapter brief introduced how to look at risk in a threesome situation. However a real threesome situation is more involved than this because it is unique to the couple and it is this author’s hope that this introduces the couple to the need to examine risks.

 

Planning an enjoyable threesome


Introduction

Enjoyable threesome just does not happen. It takes planning, preparation, and communication. Along with a relationship that is solid and making the right choices. This article will examine the requirements for having an enjoyable threesome and also include some pointers on what not to include. Like with any article found on this site it is opinion based on experience and each couple needs to consider the information in light of their situation. As always, remember even the best planned out threesomes can be a disaster so balance the risks of having against any perceived benefit before deciding to have one.

Marketing yourselves

The title of this section is probably causing a few of you to scratch your head and wonder why we need to market ourselves. For some, the idea may sound seedy but it is not. Marketing yourself will help ensure that you attract the type of person that you are most interested in joining the two of you thereby having an enjoyable threesome. Essentially it means letting others know that you are looking for a threesome.

To begin with each of us markets ourselves without realizing it. We do it when meeting someone new, attending a job interview, introducing an idea, and even how your present yourself on a daily basis. Marketing lets people know who you are by tailoring your message to those whom you are most interesting meeting. It means letting people know what you are about, and what you are interested in doing by providing information about yourself. The information ranges from the words that you use, to the clothes that you wear, the interests that you state, your manners, and social skills.

In order for you to be successful at marketing yourself you need to do some research regarding the type of people you are interested in attracting. Using websites to do your research is a good starting point but not always the most reliable source of information. Nonetheless using websites will put you in touch with other people who share similar interests and help you identify sites that cater to your interests in a threesome. Another possible source of information is attending munches, off-premise swingers clubs, or meet & greets to meet other people who share similar interests. Finally you can dive into the deep end by placing an ad for a threesome and then tailoring the ad based on the replies you received.

What to avoid: Be conscious of what you are saying and doing will attract a certain type of person. If for example you are looking for someone that is educated and more refined. It will mean targeting web sites that tend to attract this type of individual; along with ensuring any ad placed would have to be grammatically correct along with no spelling errors and avoiding colloquialisms. Once you meet them it means you would have to be neat in appearance, along with good social skills, and the ability to talk about a variety of subjects other than sex. Do not rush to have a threesome just because you found someone that is interested in meeting you. Instead take the time to decide if they are compatible with you and if they meet your requirements.

Boundaries: Boundaries act as a safety net to ensure the threesome operates within agreed parameters. Unfortunately there is no universal set of boundaries for a threesome and boundaries depend on the needs of the threesome. For couples starting out, boundaries may sound as though it is an unnecessary restriction on their fun. However, an event may occur such as kissing, whereby if a boundary regarding the activity is in place then hurt feelings could have been avoided.

Choosing the third person

Choosing the third person is a critical choice that will influence to a great extent everyone’s enjoyment. There are some out there who feel that if the opportunity presents itself then it must be taken. However that belief has a fallacy. If you are not ready to have a threesome then it is better to wait. Plus if the person is not compatible with the both of you then it is better to say ‘no’ then it is to rush into it.

Before selecting the third person as a couple both of you need to agree on the characteristics of that person and then abide by the decision. Granted there will not always be the opportunity to get the ideal person and sometimes the ideal person may not be suitable. In any event it is important to separate the ‘must have’ characteristics from the ‘nice to have’ characteristics as it is important to develop an image of the type of person you are seeking.

Once you have found that person it becomes even more important that both of you are in agreement on the choice and neither one of you ‘takes one for the team’. Simply put, not agreeing to someone that makes you uncomfortable but agreeing to them in order to make your partner happy.  After you have reached your decision it becomes important to let the third person know of the boundaries for the threesome.

What not to do: Do not rush in to having a threesome without first talking about your selection as it can be quite embarrassing if there is confusion over any issue. Also keep your partner informed of any communication that you may have had regarding the threesome, surprise or unexpected threesomes rarely work.

Venue and planning

Take some time to work through where the threesome will happen and put the appropriate planning into place. Make sure you consider issues such as personal safety, room temperature, enough room for three adults, any refreshments, and being in a ‘kid-free’ area. Essentially, you need to have a place for the threesome to happen that will allow it to happen as naturally as possible without any distractions. Deciding where to have the threesome and planning for it can be as important as choosing the third person.

This also means taking the necessary time to talk through all issues that relate either directly or indirectly to the two of you having a threesome. It is important any unresolved feelings and issues are addressed. Otherwise the threesome may bring them up and make dealing with the effect much more difficult.

What not to do: Do not decide to have a threesome unless you are sure about where. Make sure some effort has been put into planning and planning for the unexpected. If not, what might have been an enjoyable encounter will be filled with issues that need to be resolved. This can lead to lack of interest and the threesome never getting the momentum that is needed for everyone to enjoy themselves.

Another thing to avoid is drama before, during, or immediately after the threesome. It is important that all issues are resolved before having a threesome, each person is in agreement with it happening, and no coercion is used to gain your partner’s agreement. If there are unresolved issues or coercion has been used the third person will pick up on it. This will most likely lead to an unsatisfactory threesome.

Sexual Activities

Before having your threesome make sure it is discussed what sexual activities will be acceptable and what sexual activities are not acceptable. Also take time to talk through any feeling that either you may have about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else. Finally make sure to practice safe sex and that condoms are readily available.

What no to do: Do not perform a sexual activity that has not been agreed or that you are not comfortable performing. Threesomes are about enjoying yourself and not being some sex athlete. It is better to say no then having to deal with issues that it may bring up later.

Conclusion

Having a threesome is meant to be enjoyable. Take your time, work through the issues, decide on the type of person you want to invite, and take the time to market yourself to the right group of individuals.