Remorse: How to get over it and start living again


RemorseIntroduction

No one should feel remorse when having a cuckold experience. It is a situation where each person has a say and each person has control. Essentially, it does not happen without everyone agreeing and this implies there is personal responsibility.

Furthermore, such an experience is very intimate and very beautiful experience leaving  that should leave all involved feeling good afterwards. For the couple it is something that is unique for them that defines their relationship and is meant to bring them closer. As for the invited individual such an invitation is a privilege that gets extended only to a select few. Few of us thinks about the triad, the three involved in the threesome. A threesome experience or cuckold experience for the triad something shared between them. It is something that binds a couple to someone outside of their relationship. Overall the experience is meant to be a precious that brings happiness to all.

Nonetheless, even with the best planning and the best communication feeling of remorse occurs. What is remorse? Simply put remorse is feeling guilty for something that has occurred. It is the feeling that results from going against personal beliefs, lack of communication, or underlying issues. It is a feeling that can destroy feelings a joy and happiness before turning them into despair.

Below are three scenarios of how remorse may develop. This article will deal with the first two since the third is more indicative, this author believes, of a relationship experiencing issues resulting from a breakdown in communication or someone who is not assertive enough to have their needs addressed.

I agreed to what?

Meeting the potential third person for supper. A glass of wine and the conversation begins flowing. She begins flirting with him and soon they are kissing like teenagers. Everything is going smoothly, the two of you decide to invite them back to your place for a ‘nightcap.’ Once at your place, the unspoken message a threesome will happen. Now the only questions remains is how to transition from conversation to sex. After another glass of wine the question seems to work itself out. The two of you are undressing her and all three of you migrate to the bedroom. In the bedroom the scene is more than you can ever believe and you realize porn has underplayed the exhilaration of the experience. He enters her and all of a sudden reality hits like a train hitting a car at high speed. In an instant the joy that is felt is replaced with remorse.

Blindsided:

After the threesome you feel like ‘high-fiving’ your wife and the other for such a fantastic experience. They dress and leave. For the next few hours euphoria hits and a feeling like you have done something marvelous, like cure cancer, hits. Slowly pains of angst hit. As the angst hit you begin feeling fear, dread, and remorse. Soon the euphoria pushes the feeling away. As time passes it feels as though there is a battle going on between joy and angst. After feeling so euphoric from the experience all of a sudden remorse sets in and this time the euphoric feeling does not come back. Now you are left with feelings of dread, fear, and remorse.

I am someone who thinks of others before myself, what is wrong with that?

Having a threesome is more their idea than yours. Instead of discussing your concerns the decision was made to hold back your feelings and give your partner something they wanted. During the time between making the decision not to say anything and the threesome you felt it was noble to put aside feelings for the good of the relationship. You watched them have sex and instead of feeling arouse you felt emotionally number. Now you are feeling regret and disgust.

Why do I feel this way? Where did my feelings come from?

Who has died?

Having a threesome in many ways can lead to temporary feelings of loss or mourning. This can result from sharing your spouse with someone else. When sharing your spouse it can temporarily lead to a feeling of loss. Feeling of loss occurs because of the realization the frailness of your relationship and that someone else finds your partner attractive. By having a threesome it shatters the idealistic image of a relationship and now you are confronted with the true preciousness of your relationship.

Likewise by having a threesome one of the two bonds of monogamy are broken, physical monogamy. This can lead to feelings of remorse because your relationship has moved from being entirely exclusive.

Roller coaster of emotions

Having a threesome is an emotional experience. It brings up a lot feelings, some that are good and some that would make the experience more enjoyable if they did not occur. From an early age we are taught to identify feelings and how to handle them. Rarely we learn feelings are neither good or bad.  Instead we analyze them and determine their classification. In my opinion, feelings you may feel may not be remorse but it maybe a combination of feelings.

You said what?

Having a threesome or cuckold may not always be a good idea. I have never met the perfect couple and I believe every couple has issues that needs addressing. The extent to which an issue can negatively influence cuckolding or threesome experience, I believe, depends to a great extent on the communication skills of a couple. If a couple is supportive and works towards solution rather engaging in a death match for power in the relationship then I believe an issue will not adversely impact them.  However, if a couple prefers conflict over finding a solution then it is possible that an underlying issue can become an issue much faster with a threesome than if chose to avoid it. Remorse may eveolve from feeling pushed into a having a threesome or cuckold because the individual was not clear about their needs.

Do not go there: ‘Talk to the hand’

IMG_8431

As human beings we have developed systems of communication and the longer a couple is together they develop their own language. As a result, assumptions get made and sometimes those assumptions are not clear. In a threesome situation, having boundaries provides a way for communicating by establishing trust by letting everyone know the limits of threesome and they facilitate communication by providing an avenue for discussion they serve as a way of safeguarding feelings. Sometimes boundaries get crossed, get missed, or a couple has a threesome without understanding what they are undertaking. In this type of situation remorse may come from realizing boundaries were too liberal or not being clear.

Getting Over Remorse

1) Who is it to blame?

Certainly there must be someone to blame for the way you feel? Why else do you feel this way?

Blaming your spouse, the invited third person or drinking too much for what happen is not an option. In order to move beyond feeling remorse it is important to realize your responsibility, accept your decision and accept your role. By blaming people or events will not solve the issue. It will only ingrain the issue and allow your feelings to fester that will lead to problems later. Best way to move beyond feeling remorse is to accept your decision and accept the result.

2) Time heals all wounds

Having a threesome will create strong feelings. Knowing that they can develop and effectively dealing with them, is key in having a successful threesome. If you are the invited single person it may be you have feelings for someone from the couple. In a cuckolding situation remorse may come from having an experience that very couples have and feeling remorse because you have gone society’s idea of relationship. Maybe you are a part of the a couple that had a threesome and feel remorse over sharing your spouse with someone else.

Impulsively acting on feelings of remorse is risky. Having been through this experience I know feelings can last for weeks afterwards and acting on them can be destructive. If it is possible, give your feelings a chance to work themselves out and give yourself time before making any decisions. Remember feelings will change with time and what you feel now may not be what you feel later.

3) Is the glass half-empty?

Changing perception helps. The event has occurred. There is no way to reverse time. However you can change the way you view the event. Instead of looking for blame or seeing it the relationship no longer being monogamous. See it for what is, an intimate experience the two of you shared with someone else. Look for the positive in the experience. It could the enjoyment your received from watching your spouse / partner enjoy themselves. Maybe it is a gift you can them to break the shackles of a society defined relationship and to enjoy themselves. Or maybe the two of you made a great friend. Whatever the positive there is in the experience focus on it.

4) Hindsight use it

Before reacting take time to review the events. Also take time to review what you are feeling and how those feelings evolved. During the review do not look for blame but look to understand what brought the feelings to the surface. Understanding how they evolved is important as it will help you to understand your next step.

5) Speak with your forgotten friend, your spouse

Immediately after the threesome take time to discuss with your spouse / partner the experience. Take time to discuss feelings, what went right, and what needs improving. Do not make any decisions but begin talking. Over the next days and weeks take more time to discuss the events. As time passes you will begin to discover feelings and more about your relationship. Take time to share with your spouse / partner. The more the two of you discuss the more likely any adverse feeling will be temporary.

updated6) Opportunity a new beginning

This should not be immediately done after the threesome. Instead take time to allow feelings to resolve and take time to discuss with your partner.  If you are the invited person allow time to pass. Everything is temporary and you will begin see having the threesome or cuckold from a different perspective. In a few days, probably a few weeks, some success will be seen and some improvement too. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Secret: How to Get Over Remorse

Getting over remorse is simple. All that is required is changing your perspective. Changing your perspective is simple by accepting your responsibility for making the decision and accepting you have the power over your feelings. By using this approach, not reacting, and allowing time to heal then conquering remorse is possible.

 

 

Other articles of interest

5 Laws for Boundaries

Mixed Signals: What do they mean?

Am I ready for a threesome

Easing into Cuckolding or Swinging

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

Threesome stages

Threesome Terminology

Defining Cheating

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Cuckolding Beginners Guide: enjoying sloppy seconds


Sloppy SecondsIntroduction

The idea ‘sloppy seconds’ can be enjoyed is ludicrous. How can a physical sign of ‘infidelity’ be erotic?  For a moment, do not think about what it symbolizes. Instead think about, what does ‘sloppy seconds’ mean to you? Think about the image it creates. Is it an erotic scene or an image that provokes disgust? Diving deeper into the scene can you smell anything? Does the image has a musky, sweaty, or another type of smell associated it with it? Finally how does the idea make you feel?

Getting into the mindset

Why ‘sloppy seconds’ are intimidating

Enjoying ‘sloppy seconds’ starts with the right mindset. ‘Sloppy seconds’ for many can be quite intimidating. At its core ‘sloppy seconds’ represent a partner that has had sex with someone else outside of their relationship. The idea of someone having sex outside of the relationship can elicit strong feelings. When those feelings are intensified by engaging the senses when seeing a sign of ‘the act’ it can become too much.

How can ‘sloppy seconds’ provoke such strong feelings? It symbolizes the sexual attractiveness of your partner, it says your partner can enjoy having sex outside of the relationship with someone else, and it is a reminder you were not the one who pleasured them this time. It can create a hollow feeling that creates an emotional distance from your partner and is a reminder of how fragile your relationship is. So, how can such an act be enjoyed?

View it as a gift not a sign

I remember my first experience with ‘sloppy seconds’ it was beautiful, seeing cum dripping out of her pussy and the smell of sex filling the room. Also it was intimidating because it was a sign that someone else slept with my wife. The combination of sight, smell, and imagery produced a very emotional experience for me.

It was not until sometime later when I began looking back that I began to understand it is not about finding enjoyment from the act of ‘unfaithfulness’ and it is not about finding joy from the remains of an act that did not involve you. She could easily bathe and was away all evidence of her lustful encounter. Instead she is choosing to share it with me.

I soon understood enjoying ‘sloppy seconds,’ comes from inside by being able to see ‘sloppy seconds,’ as an interactive gift that is meant to be enjoyed. ‘Sloppy seconds,’ symbolizes the fulfillment of a fantasy that is meant for sharing and it gives a chance to relive your hot wife’s experience. Furthermore it symbolizes her love for you because she is willing to share something that intimate and allowing you to enjoy it.

Putting aside the fear to enjoy

As I have already said ‘sloppy seconds’ be intimidating but if it is seen as as a gift then it can be quite enjoyable. Enjoying ‘sloppy seconds’ requires being able to connect with you partner on an emotional level and physical level. The first step take time to look, explore, and experience it. Finger her, what does it feel like? What smells do you notice? Allow yourself to become a part of that moment. Next, if you are comfortable, is having your partner regale you with how it happened. Listen to what is being said, what images are now going through your mind as you explore their body? Are you able to connect with the experience and feel are you now a part of it?

Finally

Enjoying ‘sloppy seconds’ means putting aside those things that upset you in favor of viewing the beauty of the gift you are about to receive and finding a way to connect with the experience. It is about seeing the totality of the experience, the confirmation of love, and reaffirming your relationship. Also it is about the enjoying the physical beauty of ‘sloppy seconds’ through exploration. Therefore enjoying ‘sloppy seconds,’ is about being confident in yourself, loving the person you are with, and the willingness to enjoy the experience. If you can do this then you are on your way to enjoy ‘sloppy seconds.’

Other Articles of Interest

Cuckolding Beginners Guide for Her: Surviving the First Date

Cuckolding Beginners Guide for Him: Surviving the First Date

Easing into Cuckolding or Threesome

8 Cuckolding Secrets Every Couple Should Know

Watching My Wife Having Sex with Another Man

Cuckolding and the Power Sloppy Seconds

Debunking Cuckold Myths

Threesome Terminology

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2 – separating emotional sex and physical sex


A-IMG_8560Introduction

From the time our first sex-ed lesson, there is one consistent message and that message is, to have sex you need to love the person.  The message teaches a good lesson about caring, respect, and treating others as equals. It provides the right direction for future relationships. Nonetheless the message also misses three important points.

First the act of sex does not need feelings, only a place. Having feelings for someone else is vital when establishing a long-term relationship for having a family and companionship. The issue of feelings also implies vulnerability, risk of being hurt, and a complex social interaction to develop them then support them. and

Second point, there is nothing wrong having sex for physical enjoyment provided all participants can consent. Having sex for physical enjoyment can be an uncomplicated experience if everyone from the beginning understands the intention and expectation of the encounter.

Third point, the message implies by having sex with someone you love then you will not get hurt.  Getting hurt, means, making the wrong choice about having sex and choosing the wrong person.

Threesomes and feelings

Depending on the type of threesomes be sought, feelings can complicate it. For soft-swinging and a general threesome focusing on pleasure instead of feelings is paramount. If couples approach having a threesome as though they are dating the third person then feelings begin entering into the equation and increasing the risk a damaging outcome will occur. In these situation the ability to enjoy the experience without becoming attached to the third person can happen.

A couple can still be monogamous and have a threesome

It is important to understand there are two parts to monogamy, physical and emotional. Arguably, very few people can claim they are physically monogamous. Physically monogamy means being physically monogamous to one person and depending on the definition, it is possible if you have more than one partner in your lifetime then you are not truly physically monogamous.

This leads to the next part emotional monogamy. Emotional monogamy, I believe, is the core to most relationships. If a couple can keep up their feelings for each other while keeping their feelings for others under control then, I believe, a couple can support their emotional monogamy. For some couples not being emotional monogamous works but for this article, I will focus on keeping feelings separate.

Concurring the monogamy hurdle

Probably the biggest barrier in having a threesome is resolving the idea of cheating. There is no universal definition of cheating. Some definitions are very restrictive that includes a mere thought of someone else other than your spouse as cheating. Having a restrictive definition makes having a threesome nearly impossible and will need some change.

When we were having our threesomes our definition of cheating was quite simple, before the threesome we agree that we would not hold it against the other and we agree there was no cheating was occurring, as long as we kept to our boundaries. By discussing the idea of cheating, monogamy, and what it can mean for the relationship, it can help by progressing the idea of having threesome.

Change the view

Until a couple can accept there are at least two types of sex. Physical sex for pure enjoyment and without forming a relationship with someone else. The second type is emotional sex. This type of sex is shared between two people who care about each other and seek a long-term commitment.

Granted in a relationship each type of sex does occur. Moreover if a threesome is to occur a couple must understand by having physical sex with someone else can mean the relationship can stay intact and it can also mean the changes for the better. Essentially, a couple will have to change their view about sex and relationship.

How to persuade them to have a threesome?

There is no formula, except trial and error. A lot of being able to persuade your partner comes from having a loving stable relationship and understanding their needs. On the journey to have a threesome, it is important your partner understand your feelings for them will not change and having physical sex with someone else will not destroy the relationship.

A lot of how they react will depend on the relationship, their personal beliefs and their experiences. Only by discussing issues such as cheating or the difference between physical and emotional sex can a step towards having a threesome occur. By being patient, willing to openly discuss the topic and giving all the time necessary for the threesome to occur can the journey actually happen. Finally remember there are no guarantees to have a threesome but only to love your partner for who they are, not what they can give you.

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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Defining Monogamy – A Barrier or a Natural Limit?


profileIntro

Imagine standing at the departure gate, at an airport, and looking out. On the other side of the glass are planes taxing for take-off to distant destinations and as plane take off other planes are landing. Further in the distance there are building, roads, and a line of traffic. Behind you are people all flying off to another destination sitting on chairs, shops, and walls. Monogamy is like being at an airport, surrounded with boundaries but within those boundaries are choices that can take you to other destinations.

Defining Monogamy

Why is defining monogamy important? Monogamy is society’s ideal definition of a relationship. It define how a couple should act, what is acceptable, and it place a limit on behavior. Essentially monogamy is the standard by which a relationship is judged. A couple that momentarily entertain the idea of breaching the ideal standard will face an internal struggle and if discovered breaking the ideal standard will most likely face scorning. It is is the brick wall that will keep a couple from trying a threesome and acting in a socially acceptable way.

What is monogamy? From a relationship perspective it is a consenting adult relationship that is exclusive. Using this definition a couple does not engage in having a relationship or sex with anyone else beside their chosen partner. Even with today’s enlightened sexual attitude towards gay marriage and televisions shows dealing with polygamy, monogamy is still the strongly preferred relationship structure.

History of Monogamy – a brief introduction

Defining monogamy from a historical perspective is much more difficult since monogamy is not a natural evolutionary choice to provide a diverse gene pool but a choice imposed by the Catholic Church in the Roman Empire. The definition of adultery prior the imposition of monogamy is very different than what we know today. Adultery was regarded a married man having sex with a married woman, who was not his wife. This meant a married man could be married and have sex with a woman who was single. The reason, during this era, marriage was seen as a property transaction between the husband and the wife’s father. It was not until suffrage and civil rights movement of the mid-20th century when women began achieving equal rights as men.

As for other nonmonogamous practices polygamy existed during biblical times but it was not until the rise of Catholicism in the Roman Empire and priests attempt to control sex did monogamy become the legal requirement for a couple. There is a suggestion that wife-swapping occurred in ancient Britain and continued into the modern era. Wife-swapping as it is known today started in WWII.

Therefore, when discussing monogamy it is important to determine if it relates to biblical times or modern times since the biblical times definition is incompatible with today’s definition because a married man was permitted to have sex outside of his marriage with an unmarried woman.  Whereas today’s definition is gender neutral forbidding any sex outside of the primary relationship.

Types of Monogamy

So, what makes a relationship exclusive? Putting aside the definition of monogamy. I believe there are two parts to exclusivity, emotional and physical.

Emotional

When monogamy is discussed, it is my feeling, monogamy is being equated with emotional monogamy and I believe, the presence of emotional monogamy separates having a threesome from other non monogamous activities such as cuckolding. Emotional monogamy is the emotional bond that binds and keeps a couple together. It is the unspoken bond that pulls a couple through a difficult time and it is the unspoken bond that motivate to provide for their partner’s well-being. It is the intangible bond that define a relationship.

Physical Monogamy

Unlike emotional monogamy physical monogamy is very easily seen and experienced, simply put physical monogamy is sex. If a couple participates in any threesome activity, with the possible exception of soft-swinging, then physical monogamy is lost.

Monogamy and threesomes – Overcoming the Monogamous hurdle

So, how does a couple get over the monogamy hurdle to have an enjoyable threesome? For any couple just beginning to explore this idea the hurdle can be epic because it involves going against everything that has been taught regarding a relationship and the expectation that goes with it. From my experience, it involves changing perspective. Instead of trying to be same as every other couple and believing the same thing as them, try being a leader. View monogamy as a choice, instead of viewing monogamy as an absolute must have for the relationship. By this I mean, think about 10% – 25% of couples that have tried having a threesome and are still together. It is important to remember having a threesome is not a mathematical formula of: loss of relationship = threesome – monogamy. Another possible way, if monogamy is important to the relationship is viewing having a threesome as the loss of physical monogamy while maintaining emotional monogamy. This means viewing the act as a physical act whereby feelings for your partner is maintained.

Conclusion

Monogamy and polygamy have been around since the dawn of ‘man.’ It was not until the rise of the Catholic Church in the Roman Empire that nonomongamy practices became shunned. Even during the time nonmonogamy fell out of favor it still survived being reborn during WWII. Whilst I do not believe monogamy is the right choice for every couple. Monogamy still remain a driving force in shaping a relationship. If couple wishes to try having a threesome but feels monogamy is an issue then there are two methods they can try. First is viewing monogamy as a choice instead of an absolute the other method is viewing having a threesome as a physical act where feelings for each other will remain in tact. In answer to the question, is monogamy a barrier? That is a question each couple will have to answer based on their situation. Whatever choice a couple will make the choice must be in their best interest.  

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15 WordPress articles you may have missed during the week of 22 April 2014


Here is another installment of good WordPress articles that have been published over the last week that you may have missed.

In case you are wondering how I select the articles to list. I have read all of them list and feel there is a great quality about them. Great quality means the author has something useful to say that relates to the topics my followers enjoy reading.

Each article relates to sex, threesomes, or a similar topic such as relationships. Generally I tend to pick well written articles in English that are at least a few hundred words in length, ideally a minimum of 5oo words but I will pick an article that has less, and provides my followers with some insight on a subject that interests them.

This week it seems as though Kirstalla’s Blog along with Sex and Regex are batting 1000 with two very well written articles this week.

I hope you take a few minutes to read them. If you like them show the author your support by liking it and leaving a positive comment.

1) TMI Tuesday –  Arousing by Filled and Fooled

2) Threesome #2 by Sex and Regex

3) Threesome Insecurities Followup by Sex and Regex

4) Surprise Party by Sexxxy Milf

5) How We Opened Up and Beyond by Krystalla‘s Blog

6) Deep Desires by Krystalla’s Blog

7) The First Mistake by Swingertopoly

8) My First Date in 8 Years by Poly Pocket of Love

9) Ethical Non-monogamy: Can Sharing Lovers Work for You? by The Wilson Report

10) We Just had an Orgy by Camgirl Sex Stories

11) Pussy Eating Treasure by Janes Illustrated Erotic Sex Blog

12) Curious Mom from the Burbs by Janes illustrated Erotic Sex Blog

13) Finding the balance: Progressing the discussion of having a threesome without collapsing the discussion by 3somes and variations

14) Fantasizing about my Cheating Wife by Cuckold Confession

15) Three by All of my Filthy Little Secrets

 Last Week’s list

Week of 15 April 2015

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Analysis of open relationship study


English: A schematic showing the monogamy rela...

 

As stated in my previous blog, this author may due some analysis of an interesting study regarding open relationship. For those of you may not have read the previous blog regarding this interview study, it is a small study involving 86 gay male couples in a long-term open relationship and secure enough to discuss how the dealt with being in this type of relationship. Many came from San Francisco and California with the remainder coming from either large metropolitan states (e.g. NY or IL) or internationally.

 

The study primarily focused on how they dealt with managing their relationship from the start of discussing opening it through how it is maintained. It goes on to examine what non-monogamy looks like, the boundaries involved, and the impact it has.

 

Like any study it has limitations. Granted ethical considerations can limit the research being done, especially when it comes to sex. In addition the small sample size and limited geographical representation tends to represent open relationships in more metropolitan areas while under representing the issues couples, in open relationships face in suburban or rural areas. The fact this study examines gay male couples is not a major limitation, this author feels, since open relationships are common with gay males it offers generalizations that can be made about open relationships for heterosexual and lesbian couples.

 

The strength of this study lies in its examination of the boundaries and defining what is non-monogamy. By defining non-monogamy it covers all types of threesomes such as cuckolding, friends with benefits, threesomes and poly relationships thereby making it easier to generalize to non-gay open relationships.

 

Nonetheless, the when reading the article it becomes apparent the author interchangeably uses the words open relationship and non-monogamy. There are some like this author who feel there is a distinction between the two. This author believes the degree to which emotional monogamy exists in the relationship along with the context of the agreed sex outside of the relationship defines if the relationship is open. Likewise, the degree to which non-monogamy exists is defined by the degree to which physical and emotional monogamy exists in the relationship. Since this article deals with gay couples in an open relationship then the two terms most likely can be used interchangeably; however, a limitation of this article is the fact the author did not define the terms from the beginning and for some it can create confusion that the two different words mean the same.

 

Another strength of this article is the use of statistics and the use of participants’ answers to support points raised. For example the authors, at the beginning, talk about opening up the relationship. It provides statistics for how long it took to open the relationship and then drew on some of the comments made to further support their statements.

 

A third strength of this article is the time it devotes to boundaries and the extent involvement occurs. The section on boundaries specifically relates to gay couples in an open relationship, it can provide heterosexual couples who are struggling with the concept of boundaries insight on boundaries. Likewise the section regarding involvement. It is a detailed section that is well worth reading since it can provide insight for non-gay couples wanting to learn more about the risks of emotional involvement.

 

Overall the article is constructed in a very logical and understandable way. The one area, for future research, should be is how the couples arrived at the decision to open up the relationship. Granted the authors states there is no road map to non-monogamy but does not support the claim, to the extent they do with other parts of the article. There is some mention about how the open relationship started but not the events leading up to that point.

 

Another area for consideration is a comparison of heterosexual couples with gay male and lesbian couples who are in an open relationship. By doing this, it will help others to understand some of the common principles that underpin an open relationship. Likewise those who struggle with being in an open relationship versus those who are secure with it. While there are some limitations to this article, this author feels there is useful information for anyone wanting to further understand open relationships.

 

 

 

Study on long-term gay open relationships


English: DIGNITY & RESPECT (2001) is a U.S. Ar...

The links take you to a study, on ejhs.org  and felt some of my followers might enjoy reading it. The study examines gay males in long-term open relationships. While some may feel because it relates to gay males it has no value to heterosexual couples or lesbian couples in an open relationship. In my opinion, it can provide some insight and  regarding how an open relationship operates, maintains itself, and evolves over time. However the one minor issue with the study is alluding all forms of threesomes are a form of an open relationship. From reading the study it is difficult to know how the researchers define open relationship. It is this author’s opinion, if couple has threesome and does not have their own separate experience then the relationship is not open.

This is a small study with 86 couples. With any study relating to sex there are some limitations and biases to the study. Since this study involves interviews instead of being a controlled study or a study were couples are observed it means there are other possible reasons for the results.  Some reasons could be wanting to please the interviewer by giving answers they believe they wanted, being guarded about revealing too much information, and giving socially acceptable answer. Plus research ethical requirements can place limitations on studies of this type due to potential damage and the private nature of sex. Finally the researchers note the sample being primarily middle-age white males and the authors note the encountered reluctance to participate. This can skew the results and limit the study’s ability to be generalized.

Nonetheless, I feel this study may provide insight in how open relationships evolve and operate in a relationship, regardless if it heterosexual or homosexual. Some interesting findings I feel that are worth considering and may be applicable to other couples include, though not limited to:

  • 42% of couples surveyed were initially monogamous
  • 6% moved away from being open and towards monogamy
  • 58% made the decision to open up their relationship between 1 – 24 years into relationship with 24% being in the relationship more than 7 years before agreeing to open up their relationship. The average time being 6.6 years
  • Couples find their own road-map in to non-monogamy
  • 56% of couples chose to play together & separately
  • Couples that ‘share’ non-monogamy together (e.g. threesomes) evolved into having their own experiences
  • Communication being essential

This author may follow-up with a further analysis regarding this study and talk about it applicability to other couples. However this article this study seems to suggest that about 50% of those in long-term relationships practice involving their partner in at least some of their sexual experiences with someone else. Such a result is quite interesting since it suggests for a open relationship to survive, for many couples, involving their significant other in some experiences is necessary. It raises the question why does it occur? Is a trust issue or it is a boding / sharing issue? Also this study suggests that there is not specific stages a relationship goes through as it evolves into an open relationship. Instead it seems to suggest the each couple finds their own way in having an open relationship. Finally this study seems to reinforce the need for communication in order to maintain the relationship.

If you have read the study what are your thoughts?