Fantasy versus Reality – Part 2: Having a threesome what does it mean?

What does it mean to have a threesome?

In our mind’s eye we have our own vision of what a threesome will be like. We are the producer, the director, the writer, the characters, the stage hands, and the PR company.  Essentially we are in full control of what happens and the outcome in a fantasy. If we find the fantasy enjoyable enough we might consider taking a few steps in order to “test the water” about having an actual threesome with the belief it will be very similar to the fantasy or be very much like a threesome in a porn movie.  Then that fantasy becomes even more powerful since we are now trying to recreate it by recreating every detail. Finally we ask ourselves is it possible to make a fantasy a reality?

Wading in the shallow in of a threesome, in order to “test the water,” the first layer of the fantasy is shed. We begin to discover there are questions that need to be answered such as:

• Will my partner be up to  this?
• How do I convince my partner this is a good idea?
• How do I someone that is willing to join us?
• What impact will it have on my personal life / relationship?
• What are the risks?
• How do I protect my / our  privacy?
• Will my / our friends, family, and co-workers find out?
• How do I plan for my / our safety?
• What happens if this is a regular thing or my partner wants to continue with this?
• How will I react?

These and other questions are the first time we are confronted that there is a difference between having a threesome and the fantasy.

If you are a couple then at some point, early in the process, the idea needs to be discussed. This author feels, for a couple’s first time then the discussion does not necessarily need to be a drawn out discussion but some form of discussion needs to exist. At a minimum boundaries, how the relationship is going to survive, the type of person being sought, and how time is to be divided including feelings that it may bring up should be discussed. In contrast for a single person they can immediately begin their search.

Once a couple is confident they want to have a threesome after discussing it then there next step is searching for the person. If a couple is searching for another male then the search might be fairly quick since there is a plethora of interested males. In contrast for the single male the competition is fierce; they need to be able to differentiate themselves, in a good way, from their competition and preserve through the sea of rejection that will likely follow.  Plus they need to accept that it is the couple, not them, who are in control since the couple can be choosey about the male they invite. However, the situation for a single woman is different. She is sought after by couples due to very few being interested and she unlike her single male counterpart has more negotiating power with the couple. This means for the couple, unless they are pursuing another couple with a male that have an interest in a voyeur role, then they could be searching for a long time or may have to court the single female before she agrees to the threesome.

The fundamental difference between having a threesome and the fantasy lies in the threesome itself, including afterwards. Nothing can fully prepare a new couple for the experience. From the outset it requires them to be social, to be honest, to continuously evaluate the situation, and to put feelings aside for the greater purpose of having a threesome. On paper, this sound easy, but in reality it is much more difficult. It requires going against most religious teachings about relationships, it requires putting aside feelings such as jealousy, it requires relying on your knowledge of your partner instead of what you are witnessing, and it requires going against society’s teachings about monogamy.  Along with this it requires keeping to the agreed boundaries, finding someone that is compatible with you, and it requires planning a threesome in order to keep feelings from developing. In contrast for the invited person, it requires not interfering with the couple’s relationship, working out boundaries with them, and being able to keep a distance from them in order to prevent feelings from developing.

This means for the couple nothing can fully prepare them for the experience and the feelings afterwards. Also this means nothing can prepare them seeing their partner having sex with someone else while they watch or have sex with someone else while their partner watches. Then afterwards deal with the conflicting emotions that the experience may bring up and any lasting effects the threesome might have bring.

For the single individual it means accepting the couple will remain a couple afterwards and that your role in their lives, albeit intense for a short-period of time, is insignificant. This means for the most part nothing much will come of it. Also, it means being able to disengage from the couple after the threesome and not interject yourself into their relationship. Finally for the single individual, it means being able to care enough about the couple that your threesome with them does no harm.

In conclusion, the fantasy of having a threesome is a fantasy where everything works out and the experience is the hottest experience ever; whereas the reality of having a threesome is much different. Having a threesome can be quite an erotic experience that you will remember for the rest of your life or it can be an experience that you wish you never had. A lot comes down to preparation, communication, and making the right choices. However there is a part that is left up to chance that cannot be controlled. This means no matter how much preparation goes into making a threesome like the fantasy, it will never happen since there is the unknown that cannot be controlled. Finally in answer to the question, it means anyone who opts to have a threesome should do it because they want the experience, understand the risk involved, and are willing to accept the outcome instead of believing their fantasy threesome will be the same as having threesome in reality.

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