Fantasy versus Reality of Having a threesome: Chapter 5 Resolving the Dilemma of Privacy versus Having a Threesome


Introduction

After much discussion agreement is reached beginning the search for the third. Going through profiles in order to research the site and get feel for the tone of the profiles reality hits, someone may know me / us? Likewise driving to meet someone who may have enough interest for a threesome a question comes up, what I / we do if we see someone we know? Maybe on the way back home to have the threesome, the question that was overlooked, do we have any identifiable information laying out that can be discovered? If it is a friend who is chosen then a lingering question becomes, will our friends find about the threesome? The above scenarios highlight an issue every threesome faces, the issue of privacy and how to protect yourself.

Like every decision, having a threesome carries risk and a risk is privacy. Privacy covers everything from knowing information about you that you would prefer not to be known to being exposed, ‘outted,’ as it sometimes referred. If your families, friends, co-workers know about your threesome lifestyle then being ‘outted,’ is not a risk. For those who are just starting out or those who work in public facing roles, this can have a devastating impact. This article will address this issue and provide an opinion regarding how to mitigate this issue.

Understanding the Risk:

This involves asking yourself, what is the worst that can happen if people knew? If your job has a moral turpitude clause in your contract or you work in a right-to-work state then it could mean the loss of your job. If the threesome involves someone who has decision about bids then it could be seen a bribery. In a public facing role then it could mean people treat you differently and depending on the role it could mean some type of action being taken against you. Short of these then the most likely outcome will be people who do not understand the decision. This could mean some loss of friends, friends who try to ‘fix you,’ because they do not agree with the decision, or distance from people who do not understand.

The other side to this is asking what happens if the person / couple that is invited knows about my personal life? For some this may not be an issue. However for others with children, in public facing roles, jobs that may be at risk, or do not want others knowing then the questions becomes, what is the impact if the other person(s) knew? Asking this becomes helpful in determining how much personal information about yourself you want to share and the risk of sharing it. The less you know about the person / people you are inviting then less personal information you should share.

Asking yourself, if the risk is worth it becomes paramount to any decision to have a threesome.

Coming up with a Plan:

After thinking about the risk of people finding out the next question becomes, how to deal with people if they find out. This might mean having specific approaches to different people. For a friend that is open-minded but who can be judgmental at times then saying, “I am not looking to be judged and it is my decision. It was a good experience but I do not know if I will do it again,” might be sufficient. Whereas a friend / family member who oppose the idea taking a stronger tone might be more appropriate such as, “I am not discussing it.”

In contrast those who might be supportive and want to know about it, the issue becomes what to share? This type of situation requires keeping the identity of the other(s) private and not providing any information that could identify them. Just because they may not know the other(s) you invited, it does not mean anyone else they tell may be able to deduce who they are from your description, in this situation ‘less is more.’

Protecting Your Identity and Information:

Thinking about the risk to your identity are who may cause issues is important starting point since it will help with taking the next step, knowing how to protect your identity and information. The greater the risk you face the more you will need to work at keeping your information private and your identity private. This means any conversation you have, any profile created, any ad, and any reply you need to have a consistent set of information. Simply put creating an alias that provides some basic information but hides information that can identify you, for example:

  • A couple living in Skokie, Ill becomes a couple living in the Chicago area.
  • Brad & Janet now becomes Mary & Joseph
  • A math teacher in for a high school in South Dakota becomes an educator
  • Age – never use your real age and tweak it bit by + / – 5 years
  • Height / measurements – never use your real measurements. Instead use approximates or words
    • 190 lb & 6’0 – can become slightly taller than average height with build in line with height
    • 275 lbs & 6’1 – can become tall with a large build
    • Hair color, eye color, skin tone, tattoos – avoid a lot of detail, keep it approximate, and avoid giving away information that can identify you
  • Length of marriage or relationship – is optional and keep it approximate. Instead of saying married 22 years instead say, married nearly 25 years.
  • Job – Is optional, if stated never state company and keep it vague like educator or engineer.
  • Family size – should never be stated unless children are over 18 and not living at home. Then profile / ad becomes children have left for university or are now married. In all situations this is optional.
  • Address or any other identifiable information – should never be listed.

Protecting your identity goes further, especially if you bring anyone to your place. Depending on your level of comfort you may want to put family photos, especially children photos, out of sight. Also any bank information, credit card, or any other information that could be used to steal your identity should be put out of sight.

If you are asked specifics about yourself then you will have to decide if it is relevant, why they need to know, and more importantly if you are comfortable disclosing it. Sometimes questions are asked as a part of conversation to be social and other times it is more about learning about you. The latter can be dangerous since it can lead to feelings developing and identifying who you are.

Dealing with Request for Information:

This can become a balancing act. If you withhold too much information then it may seem as though you are aloof and hiding something. However too much information you may risk exposure and potentially more. There is no simple answer to this beyond stating using your judgement, understanding the risk involved, and if necessary being assertive by stating, “I am not comfortable talking about that.”

Conclusion:

The above is an opinion regarding how to protect your privacy while having a threesome. Each situation is different the risk needs to be evaluated. The greater the adverse impact of having a threesome on your job and / or personal life then the greater the need for protecting your privacy. The more threesomes you have then the more you will learn the level of information that is required and the extent to which you need to protect yourself.

Identifying potential time waster replies and fake profiles


Painting by Édouard-Henri Avril: two men and a...

Time waster real or imaginary?

Imagine for a moment, you have joined a web-site looking for a potential third person to join you for a threesome and now the replies are flowing. How do you identify fake replies or replies form time-wasters?

In response to a request from a follower, I have decided to write about reviewing profiles and replies in determining if they are a potential time-waster. Also I will discuss some of the topics that tend to come up such as sending photos and identifying married men claiming to be single.

I struggled a bit writing this with this since by writing this, I would be alerting potential time-wasters that some of their tricks are known and it might make it more difficult to spot them. Nonetheless, I felt educating my followers was more important and I will give a few pointers. Even though I am giving a few pointers, it does not mean it will identify all time-wasters and it may potentially identify legitimate replies as being time-wasters. Therefore it is imperative anyone reading this uses it as a guide and use their own experience for identifying time-wasters.

Hallmarks in Profile / Ad:

  • Elusive or very vague Ad / Profile
  • Short ad / profile lacking any details
  • Poor grammar and / or spelling
  • Arrogant, narcissistic, and / or inflated sense of self
  • Incorrect or overuse of lifestyle terminology.
  • Ad uses lifestyle terminology makes the ad awkward.
  • Attempts to make themselves look legitimate
  • Lack of warmth, friendliness, and the ad is not very inviting.
  • Ad / Profile style, content, information, or tone seems similar to another / other profiles on the site

Hallmarks in Replies

Usually there are a few hallmarks, signs, in the reply that may alert you that you may have received a reply from a potential time-waster, these signs include:

  • A rush to meet – (e.g. I do not waste my time with emails, when are we meeting?)
  • Push for photos (e.g. How do I know you are legitimate without a photo?)
  • Game playing / manipulation (e.g. delaying meeting, showing aggressiveness in replies, etc)
  • Name calling or stating you are not a legitimate couple (You are not a legitimate couple wanting a threesome, if you are then we would have met.)
  • Focus on one member of the couple and not seeing you as a couple (I love to eat pussy and can please the ladies)
  • Belief that there is a problem in the relationship and seeing themselves as the solution (You would not be looking for a threesome if your husband could please you in bed)
  • Profile and replies not in sync. This is typical for married men who claim to be single. For example their profile may state they are single and free to meet any-time. However when you suggest a meet, for example on a weekend evening, their reply states they cannot meet on the weekend due to the kids.

The main thing to remember is the decision to have a threesome resides with you. It cannot happen without your consent and it needs to happen at a speed that you are comfortable with. If you are getting pushed to meet before you are ready or being pushed for photos to prove you are legitimate then the person is not right for you.

Identifying Married Men who claim to be Single

There are some out there who believe having a threesome with a married man whose wife does not know is acceptable. However, from my perspective I believe it open the threesome up to a lot of drama and married men should be avoided. Below are some potential hallmarks of a reply from a married man:

  • Changes meeting time or day at last moment
  • States he cannot meet at a time when previously states he was available
  • Elusive about being married and may use terms liking dating or in a long-term relationship to avoid answering the question directly. May attempts o skirt the issue or minimize the fact he is married (e.g. “I am in a loveless marriage that has been over for years and we are staying together for the kids.”)
  • May state wife is agreeable to him having a threesome without her. If he states wife is agreeable to him being a threesome then ask to speak to the wife and actually speak to her since. If they are in an open relationship then the wife should have no issues speaking to you.

Sending Photos

With technology to alter photos and to copy photos from the Internet, I do not believe sending a photo in the beginning proves legitimacy. All it proves, I believe, is you are able to send a photo via email and it does not prove you are a couple. The issue I have with sending photos is it proves nothing while at the same time it potentially opens you up for your photo being shared on the Internet. This means if you send an R rated or X rated photo then be prepared that you may find it being shared on different web sites since once you send the photo you no longer have any control over it. If you have a job that is public facing or friends / family that are sensitive then be careful about what you send. Ideally, this author feels, if photos are going to be exchanged then they should only be exchanged after you have spoken with them and both of you send photos as I way to identify each other when you meet in public.

Posting photos in your profile / ad

In regards to using a photo in your profile / ad, as an author, I have a different view. I do not believe it is necessary. However, I do feel, people do relate to photos and it may help with receiving more replies. Also, I feel, it might help in limiting replies from time-wasters. However, any photo should not show other people and definitely should not include any children. The type of photo to include can be:

  • A photo of you shot at a distance, in order not to show detailed facial features if you are concerned about privacy and be prepared that someone might know it is you. A good example is vacation / holiday photo.
  • Partially naked or naked photo shot below the head. This is good for privacy concerns.
  • Partially naked or naked photo showing head if privacy or people you know finding out is not an issue
  • If you are a couple then a photo of you as a couple. Again shot from the distance if you are concerned about privacy and be prepared that someone might know it is you. A good example is vacation / holiday photo.

How long should corresponding take?

There is no set time limit to number of replies to corresponding before meeting. A person that is truly interested in meeting and having a threesome with you will give you the necessary time before you are ready. This means there should be no pressure tactics or manipulation being used to get you to agree meet in person before you are ready and have taken the necessary steps to plan for your safety.

Can I end the correspondence without seeming like a time-waster?

Just because you send an email asking for further information and to explore the potential of meeting for a threesome does not mean you have to meet. You or the other can end corresponding before meeting. The reason for ending the correspondence can be varied from not having enough interest / attraction to a change in mind about having a threesome.

If proper etiquette is followed then an explanation for ending the correspondence is not needed but if you are asked keep it simple, “I / we are pursuing other interests at the moment and thank you for your interest.” This should be sufficient and if you are pressed for a more detailed explanation then state you will not provide a further explanation.

Realities and Myths – Personal Biases

This section is meant to draw a contrast with the above sections to highlight time-waster is perceptual. When we begin this journey of reviewing and replying ads there is a tendency of being everything to everybody. After doing it a few times and realizing it is not possible since everyone has their own preference. Furthermore, you will learn that your profile appeases a certain segment of the site and as couple you are drawn to certain types of profiles. The challenge lies in finding a way for both of them to be in sync. If not it raises some fundamental questions surrounding expectations, the type of person that is interested, and approach being used. By developing an awareness and accepting that not everyone is going to be drawn to you, it is possible to eliminate those who are compatible rather then perceiving them as time wasters.

Comments

If you have any comments or insights about spotting time-wasters please feel free to share them.

Planning a threesome: A communication and issues perspective


English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...What does planning a threesome entail?

Questions and Threesome Philosophy

Recently I started thinking about what is involved with planning a threesome, what is involved in having a threesome, and why it is sometimes better not to have a threesome.  I am not speaking about an aspect of having a threesome, such as trying to debunk some of the myths surrounding having a threesome which is common to my writing, but trying to articulate what a threesome can mean.

I am one who believes if an individual in one breath suggests a threesome then in the next breadth begins suggesting people to join them for a threesome deserves anything bad a threesome may bring them. Why? That individual is not thinking through what is involved in having a threesome and may be viewing having a threesome as quick way to get laid with ‘no strings attached.’ My own threesome philosophy is based on believing having a threesome challenges a couple by forcing them to speak about things that most couples do not speak about, having to accept a decision that will forever change their relationship, and deal with the outcome of having a threesome. This means having a threesome will change the relationship, for better or worse, and before undertaking a decision to change a relationship some consideration must be given. In order to arrive at making a decision a couple needs to take time in understanding what it will mean for them. It also means having to ask themselves some very tough questions such as:

  • Can I watch my partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Am I prepared to have sex with someone else while my partner / spouse watches
  • Can I have sex with someone for pleasure without developing feelings for them
  • How will I feel about myself afterwards
  • How will I feel about my spouse / partner afterwards
  • What are the risks
  • What boundaries will I need to feel secure in having a threesome
  • What activities should not happen because I am too uncomfortable either performing them or seeing my partner / spouse performing them on someone else
  • What do we / I need to do to help ensure this relationship will survive having a threesome
  • What do I need to do to support my partner after having a threesome
  • How do we reconnect physically and emotionally after having a threesome
  • What safe-sex practices do we need to follow
  • Where will the threesome occur
  • What type of person will we invite
  • Will there be an impact on my job or my partner’s / spouse’s job if we are discovered
  • How are we going to find the third person
  • How are we going to share the responsibility in finding the third person
  • What are we going to communicate to the third person about our boundaries and our relationship

The above list of questions is not an exhaustive list and the answers will change based on where the person is in the threesome process and their attitude towards having a threesome. This means there has to be some research, some introspection, and some discussions regarding issues surrounding having a threesome along with the issues surrounding the relationship in order to understand what having a threesome will mean. Without having some discussions it leaves a big risk that something has been missed and by missing it the relationship will be adversely impacted.

Communication: Initial Discussion

This brings up the question, how far should the conversations go and how long should they last? The answer is as long as necessary until there is a common understanding, there are no outstanding issues and a common agreement is reached. For some couples it could be a few short conversations due to previous experiences with threesomes and previous conversations. However for other couples it could means a long-time due to issues that arise that needs addressing before having a threesome. Also, this means these conversations continue from the time the suggestion of having a threesome is made until each individual feels they have no lingering issues from having a threesome. Finally for others it means having a threesome never materializes because a common framework could not be established.

At some point these conversations are going to raise the question, are we ready to have a threesome? There is no formula or magical answer to this question. Instead this is a judgement call for the couple. Ideally, this author feels, a couple is ready when they feel they are ready after talking through the issues and feel they have the same understanding, sometimes referred to as “being on the same page,” about the threesome. Once they begin their search they should continue discussing issues especially the type of person to be invited, their boundaries, and feelings that the search might elicit.

Meeting the Third Person & the Threesome: Issues and Communication

Once they have found a potential “playmate,” third person, it will most likely make what was, for the most part, an exercise in finding someone and it will make having a threesome real. Essentially this is the point where the idea of having a threesome is no longer an abstract and intangible idea; now it is quite tangible and real. At this point it is quite likely that they will face some anxiety and uncertainty. Also, at this point time is running out if they want to make any last minute changes to their boundaries or change their mind. As soon a threesome begins they cannot reverse what happens. Therefore, it is imperative if there are any lingering issues or uncertainty about having a threesome they are address, otherwise it will be too late.

Depending on how the couple has planned their threesome there might be some social conversation and social time together with the third person. This can give them a chance to learn about the third person and make their final decision about having a threesome. Furthermore they should expect, at some point, the conversation will change from socially acceptable conversation to sex. Such a change in conversation makes it likely that flirting will occur along with some displays of affection (e.g. kissing and intimate touching). Such a change in conversation and behavior indicates that any initial meeting place be tolerant of such behaviors. Also, it implies that the couple should expect such displays, encourage such behavior if they want the threesome to occur and be accepting of it.

Before the threesome occurs and after getting beyond the social conversation lays a difficult area for inexperienced couples to navigate, the transition. Transition, is the “point of no return,” it is the point where the threesome is about to happen and if it is to be stopped then it needs to occur before it goes any further. In getting past this point certain cues need to be given and accepted. For a couple they need to let the invited third person to know they want to proceed. There are several ways they can do this:

  • They can tell them it is alright
  • Suggest moving to the bedroom or a more appropriate room
  • Some form of sexual encouragement is given that is short of penetration (e.g. taking hand to feel breast).
  • Changing into something more revealing
  • Undressing
  • Playing games such as strip poker

After the couple successfully completes the transition the next phase is the threesome. At this point they are either undressed or in some form of semi-undressed. It is the point where the couple faces the power of their decision. They can be confronted with:

  • Seeing their partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Having sex with someone else while their partner / spouse watches
  • Seeing someone else sexually please their partner / having someone else sexually please them
  • Most likely having intense feelings ranging from fear and loss to a high state of arousal
  • Needing to manage feelings in order to keep feelings from overrunning
  • Seeing things that may not correspond to the reality of the situation (e.g. partner being sexually aroused by someone else and that arousal may be due to the threesome and not an attraction to the individual)
  • Possibly smell of sex in the room
  • Having an intense orgasm / watching their partner having an intense orgasm
  • Sexual performance issues
  • Comparing body and genitals with the third person
  • Knowing their partner / them can be sexually attracted to someone else
  • Fear of pregnancy, if mfm or fmf
  • Fear of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs
  • Issues of bisexuality

Then after the threesome other issues arise such has managing contact with the third person afterwards and reconnecting as a couple.

Conclusion

Having a threesome means being sociable, assertive, and being an extrovert. It also means knowing your limits, being able to communicate those limits, and being able to effectively communicate with others about their limits. For a couple who wants a threesome it will mean discussing topics that most couples will not discuss in their lifetime together, being faced with a situation that they choose to confront, and it means putting their relationship at risk in order to have a sexual experience. Many couples chose that risking their relationship for a threesome is not worth it but for those who do face uncertainty. The impact of the threesome may not be felt for days, weeks, months, or years. However with enough planning, investing enough in the relationship, and communicating then it is a realistic expectation that a threesome will provide an enjoyable experience. Finally this article shows there is more than enough reason not to have a threesome but for those who choose to take this journey hopefully this article helps to highlight a possible path for you.

Why does my husband or boyfriend want a fmf but not mfm?


a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Imagine for a moment where life ran by predictable logical rules and now imagine having a threesome was a way for three people to have sex without the complications. What would it be like? Would it be more enjoyable or less enjoyable? The reason for imaging such a world is thinking about a question that comes up, how come my boyfriend / husband alright with a two woman threesome but not a two male threesome?

A simple response to the question is human behavior is unpredictable and does not always follow rules regarding behavior. In reality, this author feels such an answer avoids the reasons for the behavior and this article will explore some possible reasons. By writing this, it is this author’s hope that it can help couples explore this topic.

Homophobic: It goes without saying for some guys being naked with another man creates some insecurities about their sexuality and in particular, some guys feel even though there is no contact with the other male it will mean they are bisexual. For some males this creates a lot of insecurity and challenges their belief about themselves. If they have a two female threesome then it will validate that they are heterosexual and confirm their desirability.

Insecurity: Even though times are changing and roles for males are being redefined, this feels there are still some males who feel they are to be providers. This goes as far as being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend. If another male another male is able to this then it means they are not needed. Facing the reality that another male being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend means they are not able to do something unique for their partner and for some males it can create feelings of insecurity for some males.

Fantasy versus Reality: For some males the idea of having a threesome can be quite an intense fantasy and initially they may be quite eager to have the threesome. However, as they get further into the process and begin to face the reality of having a threesome they may pull back from wanting it. This author believes when some males are confronted with watching their wife / partner having sex with someone else and / or realizing the issues it can create for their relationship it begins challenging their fantasy of having a threesome, thereby making it less appealing.

Emotions/ Jealousy / Anger: For some males they have strong feelings and the feelings can be so strong that they adversely impact having a threesome thereby making a threesome not realistic.

Society’s Messaging / Sexual Roles:  This author feels this reason closely relates to issue of homophobia. This author feels, society still rewards males who are able to attract more than one female and values a male who is able to have a two female threesome. Essentially for some males pursuing a two female threesome becomes a trophy or a confirmation of their masculinity by being able to have an experience that many males cannot.

Threat / Loss of relationship: This author will not argue that there is something primal that forces some males to protect their relationship with their wife / partner at all costs. Instead this author feels the threat of losing the relationship or inviting another male might threaten the relationship. Whereas if another woman is invited it is their partner that has to deal with the threat.

Bad / Previous Experience: He may have had a previous threesome experience and decided that a threesome is not for him.

Not Interested: There are some males who may not be interested in having a two male threesome due to personal or religious reasons.

Adding ‘Spice’ or Variety: I do not necessarily believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a two woman threesome. However, it may sought after as a way of trying something different to add variety to a relationship. If the relationship has become ‘predictable’ or ‘stale’ then trying a threesome may make things worse.

Already Involved: This author does not believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a threesome if he already has someone in mind. By suggesting someone with whom he is involved with will mean he will be revealing a secret that he trying to hide and it the threesome will involve a lot of drama. Most likely if he has someone in mind that would like to invite, a fantasy person.

… And Finally: With that said, this author feels each one does not operate in isolation and there is potentially some overlap between the reasons. This means there can be multiple reasons or several reasons influencing the male’s reaction towards having a two male threesome versus having a two female threesome. If there is a solution my feeling it would reside in giving him time along with making him feel secure that the relationship could survive a two male threesome. This does not mean he will ultimately agree to have one. Nonetheless it does mean there are potential reasons for him not wanting it and provide some solace in understanding.

Fantasy versus Reality – Part 2: Having a threesome what does it mean?


English: Variable Damselfly threesome: mating ...

What does it mean to have a threesome?

In our mind’s eye we have our own vision of what a threesome will be like. We are the producer, the director, the writer, the characters, the stage hands, and the PR company.  Essentially we are in full control of what happens and the outcome in a fantasy. If we find the fantasy enjoyable enough we might consider taking a few steps in order to “test the water” about having an actual threesome with the belief it will be very similar to the fantasy or be very much like a threesome in a porn movie.  Then that fantasy becomes even more powerful since we are now trying to recreate it by recreating every detail. Finally we ask ourselves is it possible to make a fantasy a reality?

Wading in the shallow in of a threesome, in order to “test the water,” the first layer of the fantasy is shed. We begin to discover there are questions that need to be answered such as:

  • Will my partner be up to  this?
  • How do I convince my partner this is a good idea?
  • How do I someone that is willing to join us?
  • What impact will it have on my personal life / relationship?
  • What are the risks?
  • How do I protect my / our  privacy?
  • Will my / our friends, family, and co-workers find out?
  • How do I plan for my / our safety?
  • What happens if this is a regular thing or my partner wants to continue with this?
  • How will I react?

These and other questions are the first time we are confronted that there is a difference between having a threesome and the fantasy.

If you are a couple then at some point, early in the process, the idea needs to be discussed. This author feels, for a couple’s first time then the discussion does not necessarily need to be a drawn out discussion but some form of discussion needs to exist. At a minimum boundaries, how the relationship is going to survive, the type of person being sought, and how time is to be divided including feelings that it may bring up should be discussed. In contrast for a single person they can immediately begin their search.

Once a couple is confident they want to have a threesome after discussing it then there next step is searching for the person. If a couple is searching for another male then the search might be fairly quick since there is a plethora of interested males. In contrast for the single male the competition is fierce; they need to be able to differentiate themselves, in a good way, from their competition and preserve through the sea of rejection that will likely follow.  Plus they need to accept that it is the couple, not them, who are in control since the couple can be choosey about the male they invite. However, the situation for a single woman is different. She is sought after by couples due to very few being interested and she unlike her single male counterpart has more negotiating power with the couple. This means for the couple, unless they are pursuing another couple with a male that have an interest in a voyeur role, then they could be searching for a long time or may have to court the single female before she agrees to the threesome.

The fundamental difference between having a threesome and the fantasy lies in the threesome itself, including afterwards. Nothing can fully prepare a new couple for the experience. From the outset it requires them to be social, to be honest, to continuously evaluate the situation, and to put feelings aside for the greater purpose of having a threesome. On paper, this sound easy, but in reality it is much more difficult. It requires going against most religious teachings about relationships, it requires putting aside feelings such as jealousy, it requires relying on your knowledge of your partner instead of what you are witnessing, and it requires going against society’s teachings about monogamy.  Along with this it requires keeping to the agreed boundaries, finding someone that is compatible with you, and it requires planning a threesome in order to keep feelings from developing. In contrast for the invited person, it requires not interfering with the couple’s relationship, working out boundaries with them, and being able to keep a distance from them in order to prevent feelings from developing.

This means for the couple nothing can fully prepare them for the experience and the feelings afterwards. Also this means nothing can prepare them seeing their partner having sex with someone else while they watch or have sex with someone else while their partner watches. Then afterwards deal with the conflicting emotions that the experience may bring up and any lasting effects the threesome might have bring.

For the single individual it means accepting the couple will remain a couple afterwards and that your role in their lives, albeit intense for a short-period of time, is insignificant. This means for the most part nothing much will come of it. Also, it means being able to disengage from the couple after the threesome and not interject yourself into their relationship. Finally for the single individual, it means being able to care enough about the couple that your threesome with them does no harm.

In conclusion, the fantasy of having a threesome is a fantasy where everything works out and the experience is the hottest experience ever; whereas the reality of having a threesome is much different. Having a threesome can be quite an erotic experience that you will remember for the rest of your life or it can be an experience that you wish you never had. A lot comes down to preparation, communication, and making the right choices. However there is a part that is left up to chance that cannot be controlled. This means no matter how much preparation goes into making a threesome like the fantasy, it will never happen since there is the unknown that cannot be controlled. Finally in answer to the question, it means anyone who opts to have a threesome should do it because they want the experience, understand the risk involved, and are willing to accept the outcome instead of believing their fantasy threesome will be the same as having threesome in reality.

Questions for a couple to ask the third person


English: A schematic showing the polygamy rela...How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?

After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?

In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1)  What type of work do you do?

2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) What type of threesome?

b) Was it a positive experience for you?

c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?

d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?

3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?

4) Do you practice safe-sex?

5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:

1) Can we meet them?

2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?

3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?

b)  How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?

6) What are your boundaries?

a) What do you like?

b) What do you not like?

c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?

7)   What is your preferred position to have sex?

8)  Other than alcohol or drugs, what can we do to help you to relax?

9)  What is your expectation of us?

10) Any questions for us?

MFM questions for a couple


Drawing by Francesco Hayez. Español: Dibujo de...Potential questions for a single male to ask a couple

The power of a mfm threesome relationship resides with the couple, since they have a choice of many men they can invite. This means they can reject the male they are communicating with and choose another.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Reality is asking questions ensures the single male the couple is a good fit for them, it shows the couple he respects their relationship, and by asking the appropriate questions will reduce the chance the single male will be a part of any relationship drama.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the couple. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the single male regarding questions to ask the couple and couples an idea of the information they should be communicating to the single male. The questions are listed from easier questions to ask, from this author’s perspective, to asking the socially difficult questions.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1) Have you had a threesome before? IF the couple states ‘Yes’  then follow-up with

a.   If so, how did each you feel about it?

b.  How did it impact your relationship?

2)  What is the reason for the two of you wanting this threesome?

3)  How did the two of you reach the decision to have a threesome?

4)  What are your boundaries? IF the answer is we have ‘none’ or it is vague then asks as a follow-up?

a.  Is kissing acceptable?

b.  Is anal sex a possibility?

c.  Will you be performing oral sex?

d.  Can I ejaculate in your mouth?

e.  Bareback or condom?

f. Feelings on male on male activity?

g. Any other questions in order to define acceptable boundaries

5)  Where do you want me to cum?

6)  Will your partner be participating or watching?

7)  Will this be a one-off or are you looking at meeting again? Alternatively you can ask, “would bringing in another girl in the future be on the table?”

8)  What do you not like?

9) What do you enjoy?

If the answer is vague or ‘anything’ then potential follow-up questions, provided they it is something that they have not stated    they do not like in the previous question.

a.  Do you enjoy being fingered?

b.  Anus being played with?

c.  Being eaten out?

d.  Do you enjoy your nipples being sucked?

e.  What positions do you enjoy

f.  DP

10) Who do you want to have sex with first?