Etiquette for placing and responding to an ad for a threesome

Introduction: How do you let others know you are interested in having a threesome? In the internet age ads are an avenue whereby an individual or a couple can attract others for a threesome.  It is in essence a calling card letting people, with similar interests, know you are interested in having a threesome and decisions are made based on the information you provide.

When placing an ad or responding to an ad for a threesome, have you ever considered the rules? If you have not then you are not alone, since most of us have not. Hopefully this article, along with future articles, will help you consider the points needed when placing or responding to an ad.

Ad Placer: The ad is piece of information that attracts readers and says to them why they should pick you over the others. It needs to keep the reader’s interest and should reflect your personality.  At a minimum the ad needs to include:

• Your boundaries
• Your sexual interests including anything you might be willing to try.
• The type of person / couple you are searching for
• The type of threesome you are wanting

At this point there may be a temptation be very general in order to get as many replies as possible. The problem with this approach is you will receive many replies that do not meet your requirements and will lead to a lot of time being wasted. Instead, being specific in an ad, maybe feel counter-intuitive but it helps to limit the replies from people that do not meet your criteria.

This now raises the question, how do you write the ad in order to protect your identity? Best way is by creating an alias that provides personal information without identifying you. For example if you are a Bob (44) & Jo (38) a married couple in Northbrook, Il. You can become John (42) & Melanie (35) from Chicago. Protecting your identity online takes precedence over providing too much information that can put you at risk.

Next question, how do you write an ad that people will read and will keep their attention?. The ad should be well-written free of spelling mistakes, free of slang, and grammatically correct. Also it should be written at the level of the type of person you are trying to attract and should avoid trying to offend anyone. Finally the proper etiquette for receiving a reply to an ad is to respond to the reply even if it is, “Thank you for your interest but regret to inform you we have decided at this time to consider other replies that closer meet our ad.”

After writing the ad and editing it another question arises, what about the use of photos? There is debate about the use of pictures in an ad and the type of picture to be used. This author is ambivalent about using pictures, due to the fact they can be photo shopped or be copied from someone-else photos, thereby not being the couple / individual who placed the ad; nonetheless photos do remain a way of showing legitimacy and way of building trust. Furthermore photos show viewers that you have an interest in the activity and give any potential playmate a first impression of who are.

So what type of photo should you use? There are some who will say face shots are necessary in order to determine attraction and know what the person looks like if they meet. Reality remains most photos are either genital shots or shots of the individual in some form of sexual act. This is due to the poster of the photo not wanting to “out” themselves and to protect their identity by not showing their face.

What is the proper etiquette for photos in a threesome ad? Personally, I do not see anything wrong with genital shots in an ad. Since, it is probably the only type of photo that someone who is not open with friends and family about their activity is comfortable providing. Moreover, I would recommend the ad contain a body shot, without the face (neck down), or a shot of the individual / couple fully clothed from a distance. However, pictures of faces that have been edited to hide their face (e.g. pixilated or black line through the face) or pictures of the individual / couple that have people around them removed.

Next, this leads to the question what should be left out of the ad? Any personal information must remain out of the ad, such as: address, phone number, real names, place of employment, number of children, any family information, or anything that can identify you.  Likewise, anything that does not directly relate to the reason for the ad can be kept out. For example you might want to include a bit of non-sexual information such as movie likes to attract a certain type of person to your ad but discussing your political views, for example, in an ad for a threesome has no place.

Finally this brings up the question, what is the etiquette for responding to an ad? Even if you are not interested then from an etiquette stand point you should respond with a simple, “thanks for taking the time to respond but we have decided to pursue other replies,” and if they ask for a reason then you can either ignore them or simply reinforce, you have chosen to pursue other replies without going into any more detail. However, if you find a reply you like then from an etiquette standpoint you should respond as quickly as possible and should try to build rapport with the replier by asking questions. At this point you probably should not ask for pictures or contact details until you have communicated enough with them to believe meeting is a strong possibility.

Responding to an ad:

Finding an individual or a couple that shares similar ideas can be quite exciting and being excited, can lead to loss of rationale when responding to an ad. It is possible to get “tunnel-vision,” by believing you are the only one responding or believing that the couple is going to chose you when the reality is, especially for couples looking for an mfm, they receive literally 100s of replies.

The starting point is finding a way to make your reply stand-out and be chosen for consideration. This means reading the ad in its entirety and responding to it directly. Think about why you are responding to their ad and what made it stand-out for you. Also consider the points about the type of person they want to meet and how you meet it. Your response does not need to be academic and it is important to let your personality show in your reply. However, remember your audience and remember the need to be respectful. If it is a couple you need to realize that male half, at some point will most likely read your reply.  This means providing a generic response, a mass reply response, or being overtly sexual in your first contact with the ad placer is unacceptable.

What happens if you do not meet all of their requirements but want to respond? The starting point, be realistic about your chances and accept the less you meet their requirements the less likely you will receive a favorable. Nonetheless take time to highlight how you meet the requirements while not emphasizing how you do not meet their requirements. If you receive a “thanks for responding but we are not interested,” reply then accept it.

This leads to the question what else should not be included in a reply? If the ad does not ask for a photo then do not send one since they will most likely check out your profile. Also do not send your phone number or contact details unless it is requested by them after communicating with you. Finally do not go into detail about your life or give information not being sought.

Last point, if you do not receive a response back then do not push for a decision and if the response is a ‘no’ then continue your search. The worst thing you can do in this situation is continue replying to the ad or trying to debate with the ad placer why they were wrong in not choosing you. At a minimum they will block you and at worse your account will be suspended. Therefore it is not worth the time looking for an explanation or trying to convince them why they made the wrong decision.

Conclusion: Being honest and being specific are two essential elements for etiquette when responding to an ad for a threesome. It is the foundation that allows trust to build and allows for the threesome to occur. Furthermore protecting your identity is paramount and nothing should put your identity at risk. Anyone who requests too much personal information should be avoided. Lastly it is important when responding to any ad that the reply directly relates to the ad placed.

A basic introduction understanding threesome risk

Introduction:

Risk is something that gets talked about a lot but few truly understand the term. From the moment we wake up in the morning, to the time we go work, and even when we sleep we face uncountable number of risks. If we took the time to plan for every conceivable risk and then thought about how we could mitigate them we would spend our lives preparing for events that may never happen. It would create a life full of anxiety about worrying about might happened instead of being able to live our lives. Through our learning experiences we have developed mechanisms that allow us to filter out inconceivable risks in order for us to lead productive lives while still being aware of possible risks. This process exists for threesomes but instead of using the autopilot to sort through the risks in daily life, it becomes necessary to sort through them on a more detailed level. Without having some understanding of risk, planning a threesome becomes more difficult. The purpose of this article is to briefly look at the issue of risk by examining a hypothetical situation and then showing how examining the threesome for risks works.

Risk – defined

When discussing threesomes, risk can be simply thought of as the chance that an event will occur that will results in some damage being done to the relationship. Essentially risk is the element that makes each threesome unique from similar threesomes that other couples may have and it is the one thing that prevents providing generic advice almost impossible since it requires knowing about the couple. For planning a threesome the couple also needs to consider the impact of that the risk would have on their safety and relationship. Along with considering the expected damage to be done the couple also needs to consider the likelihood, chance, that the expected event will occur. This means risk runs the full spectrum from events that are likely to occur with minimal impact to the relationship to events that are very unlikely to occur but if they did occur would have a devastating impact on the relationship.

Risk – applied

Hypothetically let us assume John & Jane have been married for 10 years and Jane has suggested to John that she would like to have a threesome with a former boyfriend. There are several risk issues here and for the sake of the discussion only a few of the risks will be examined for this discussion:

• Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband (discretion / privacy risk).
• Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend
• Relationship is adversely impacted

Analysis

1)       Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband

Impact:  Impact will vary greatly depending on their life circumstances and how open they are about this activity. For example, If Jane does not keep in contact with their previous friends that her former boyfriend & she kept or John & Jane have a different group of friends then impact might be low. However Jane & her former boyfriend met via a business contact then their job and customers might be impacted.

Chance of Occurring: This depends on to a large extent the former boyfriend and his ability to understand the need for discretion. Without further information this author would have to say chance is low since the former boyfriend will be outing himself too.

Way to mitigate: Generally speaking if the need for privacy and discretion is communicated to the third it is usually not an issue.

2)       Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend

Impact:  If Jane became pregnant the impact most likely would be devastating on the relationship with John.

Chance of Occurring: A function of several factors such as if Jane is pre-menopausal and if so when the threesome occurs in relationship to her menstrual cycle. Also it depends on what form of contraception is being used, if it is used as described, and if either of them has been sterilized. This means the chance of occurrence can be high.

Way to mitigate: Use of contraception, especially condom

3)       Relationship is adversely impacted

Impact:  If relationship is adversely impacted by having a threesome then it can have devastating consequences. The fact a former boyfriend has been invited greatly increases the risk. Risk rises further in this situation, if they have been sexually intimate or been a couple for a period of time, greater than 1 year. Therefore it is likely the impact is likely to be high.

Chance of Occurring: Chance of occurring is dependent on several factors, such as how much Jane told John about the relationship with the boyfriend, including any residual feelings for him. In addition the chance that this will adversely impact their relationship rises further if John is uncomfortable with this planned threesome and he is afraid to discuss this with Jane for fear of letting her down. Chance of this occurring is a function of how much communication has occurred and how comfortable John is with this situation.

Way to mitigate: Relationship between Jane & John is such that John is comfortable enough with Jane that he feels as though he can immediately discuss any concerns with her and she is willing to work with John to work through them. Also keeping the planned threesome to a one off whereby John is a full participant will help to lower the risk.

4)       Overall risk

There are potential for some very risky activities that could adversely impact the relationship, especially using a former boyfriend and the risk of pregnancy. Preserving the relationship and looking out for each other’s safety to be paramount when planning a threesome. It is possible with this planned threesome that the couple could lower their risk by finding ways to mitigate it.

Conclusion

The concept of risk is an involved topic that requires examining all aspects of a planned threesome. Reason for talking about risk, albeit briefly, is to get a couple planning a threesome to understand that a threesome carries risk, that the risk can be reduced though not completely eliminated, and the need to think about what is being planned. In addition this chapter brief introduced how to look at risk in a threesome situation. However a real threesome situation is more involved than this because it is unique to the couple and it is this author’s hope that this introduces the couple to the need to examine risks.

 

Planning an enjoyable threesome

Introduction

Enjoyable threesome just does not happen. It takes planning, preparation, and communication. Along with a relationship that is solid and making the right choices. This article will examine the requirements for having an enjoyable threesome and also include some pointers on what not to include. Like with any article found on this site it is opinion based on experience and each couple needs to consider the information in light of their situation. As always, remember even the best planned out threesomes can be a disaster so balance the risks of having against any perceived benefit before deciding to have one.

Marketing yourselves

The title of this section is probably causing a few of you to scratch your head and wonder why we need to market ourselves. For some, the idea may sound seedy but it is not. Marketing yourself will help ensure that you attract the type of person that you are most interested in joining the two of you thereby having an enjoyable threesome. Essentially it means letting others know that you are looking for a threesome.

To begin with each of us markets ourselves without realizing it. We do it when meeting someone new, attending a job interview, introducing an idea, and even how your present yourself on a daily basis. Marketing lets people know who you are by tailoring your message to those whom you are most interesting meeting. It means letting people know what you are about, and what you are interested in doing by providing information about yourself. The information ranges from the words that you use, to the clothes that you wear, the interests that you state, your manners, and social skills.

In order for you to be successful at marketing yourself you need to do some research regarding the type of people you are interested in attracting. Using websites to do your research is a good starting point but not always the most reliable source of information. Nonetheless using websites will put you in touch with other people who share similar interests and help you identify sites that cater to your interests in a threesome. Another possible source of information is attending munches, off-premise swingers clubs, or meet & greets to meet other people who share similar interests. Finally you can dive into the deep end by placing an ad for a threesome and then tailoring the ad based on the replies you received.

What to avoid: Be conscious of what you are saying and doing will attract a certain type of person. If for example you are looking for someone that is educated and more refined. It will mean targeting web sites that tend to attract this type of individual; along with ensuring any ad placed would have to be grammatically correct along with no spelling errors and avoiding colloquialisms. Once you meet them it means you would have to be neat in appearance, along with good social skills, and the ability to talk about a variety of subjects other than sex. Do not rush to have a threesome just because you found someone that is interested in meeting you. Instead take the time to decide if they are compatible with you and if they meet your requirements.

Boundaries: Boundaries act as a safety net to ensure the threesome operates within agreed parameters. Unfortunately there is no universal set of boundaries for a threesome and boundaries depend on the needs of the threesome. For couples starting out, boundaries may sound as though it is an unnecessary restriction on their fun. However, an event may occur such as kissing, whereby if a boundary regarding the activity is in place then hurt feelings could have been avoided.

Choosing the third person

Choosing the third person is a critical choice that will influence to a great extent everyone’s enjoyment. There are some out there who feel that if the opportunity presents itself then it must be taken. However that belief has a fallacy. If you are not ready to have a threesome then it is better to wait. Plus if the person is not compatible with the both of you then it is better to say ‘no’ then it is to rush into it.

Before selecting the third person as a couple both of you need to agree on the characteristics of that person and then abide by the decision. Granted there will not always be the opportunity to get the ideal person and sometimes the ideal person may not be suitable. In any event it is important to separate the ‘must have’ characteristics from the ‘nice to have’ characteristics as it is important to develop an image of the type of person you are seeking.

Once you have found that person it becomes even more important that both of you are in agreement on the choice and neither one of you ‘takes one for the team’. Simply put, not agreeing to someone that makes you uncomfortable but agreeing to them in order to make your partner happy.  After you have reached your decision it becomes important to let the third person know of the boundaries for the threesome.

What not to do: Do not rush in to having a threesome without first talking about your selection as it can be quite embarrassing if there is confusion over any issue. Also keep your partner informed of any communication that you may have had regarding the threesome, surprise or unexpected threesomes rarely work.

Venue and planning

Take some time to work through where the threesome will happen and put the appropriate planning into place. Make sure you consider issues such as personal safety, room temperature, enough room for three adults, any refreshments, and being in a ‘kid-free’ area. Essentially, you need to have a place for the threesome to happen that will allow it to happen as naturally as possible without any distractions. Deciding where to have the threesome and planning for it can be as important as choosing the third person.

This also means taking the necessary time to talk through all issues that relate either directly or indirectly to the two of you having a threesome. It is important any unresolved feelings and issues are addressed. Otherwise the threesome may bring them up and make dealing with the effect much more difficult.

What not to do: Do not decide to have a threesome unless you are sure about where. Make sure some effort has been put into planning and planning for the unexpected. If not, what might have been an enjoyable encounter will be filled with issues that need to be resolved. This can lead to lack of interest and the threesome never getting the momentum that is needed for everyone to enjoy themselves.

Another thing to avoid is drama before, during, or immediately after the threesome. It is important that all issues are resolved before having a threesome, each person is in agreement with it happening, and no coercion is used to gain your partner’s agreement. If there are unresolved issues or coercion has been used the third person will pick up on it. This will most likely lead to an unsatisfactory threesome.

Sexual Activities

Before having your threesome make sure it is discussed what sexual activities will be acceptable and what sexual activities are not acceptable. Also take time to talk through any feeling that either you may have about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else. Finally make sure to practice safe sex and that condoms are readily available.

What no to do: Do not perform a sexual activity that has not been agreed or that you are not comfortable performing. Threesomes are about enjoying yourself and not being some sex athlete. It is better to say no then having to deal with issues that it may bring up later.

Conclusion

Having a threesome is meant to be enjoyable. Take your time, work through the issues, decide on the type of person you want to invite, and take the time to market yourself to the right group of individuals.

Asking a couple for a threesome

 

 

 

 

How do I ask a couple to join them for a threesome?

 

 

 

If you are single and you have friends that are married it is easy to think about having a threesome with them. This is especially true if you find that you get a long with them and the three of you have a good time together. Nonetheless, unless you are at a swinger’s club where it is implied that you are interested in having a threesome then it is very easy to misinterpret behavioral cues from a couple. This is true especially if the couple is sociable or there is an attraction between the three of you. However before approaching a couple about having a threesome it is important that you weigh the benefit of having a threesome with them, consider alternative explanations for their behavior, and weigh it against the risk. Since it would be you approaching them and not them approaching you are suggestion may be perceived as being unwelcome.

 

In the event you decide to suggest this idea to a couple it is important that it is done without using drugs including cannabis and done with no alcohol. Reason for this is that you want their decision to be made without influence, you do not want the couple being upset because they did something that they did not want to do, nor do you want the couple making a criminal complaint such as rape. The best way to ask in this type of situation is to be direct with them, honest about your intentions, and mention some of your observations that lead you to your decision. Also mention how you see your relationship with them being handled after the threesome and how you feel the threesome will impact your relationship with them. Once the suggestion is made your relationship with the couple will forever change and it is something you will need to accept. After suggesting the idea it is best to remember that the couple is control and by pressuring for a decision most likely lead to a negative result for you. This may mean you need to give them time to consider the idea or it may mean they will say ‘no.’ In either case accepting their decision will decide the next step for your relationship with them.

 

Preventing and dealing with a threesome that has gone wrong

Intro

Having a threesome is unpredictable. It has the ability to bring out a plethora of emotions, in a very short period of time, ranging from sheer excitement to sheer fear of abandonment while experiencing nearly every emotion  in between. Some describe it as a roller coaster of emotions and planning on how to deal with them is an integral part of the threesome planning process. Experiencing a lot of emotions over a very short-period of time can too much for some to handle. Planning for this is not always easy and even with the best preparation sometimes the unexpected does happen. This article will briefly look at some of the underlying issues about why a threesome can go wrong and briefly look at some of the possible reasons and steps that can be taken to reduce the chance that it may occur.

Threesome as a catalyst for emotions & communication

Generally speaking threesomes do not create problems. Instead a threesome can act as a catalyst that brings up issues in the relationship that already existed and were brought to the surface by the stress and the dynamics of having a threesome. Essentially, this means, the root of the issue lies in the communication structure of the relationship.

Examples of communication issues include the relationship may have an unwritten rule that certain issues are not discussed, the needs of one spouse takes precedence over the needs of another, or the power of one spouse over the over. These issues will show themselves in many ways in a threesome. For example, if the couple has issues with power then this may play out in the selection of the third whereby one person in the couple submits to the choice due to repeated pressure by their partner. Alternatively, it can show itself in the discussion of the threesome and the repeated conflicts the discussion brings. Likewise, if a couple avoids certain topics then this issue may play out in the choice of the third person whereby one person chooses with minimal advice, if any, from their partner and their partner goes along with the choice without raising any discussion. as the choice of the third, initial resistance to the idea, using threats to end the relationship if a threesome does not, or a resulting power struggle the is brought from planning a threesome.

This means before having a threesome the couple needs to be comfortable with each other enough that discussing anything is possible without fear and have enough history together that any issue can be worked through successfully.

An approach: Dealing with threesome issues

When an issue comes up in a threesome, regardless if it is during or after, there are some solutions that can be tried. The first step is to take a break from having threesomes and if it happens during the threesome then it should be immediately ended. After the threesome has ended the first step is to discuss the events that lead up to the issue. This includes though not limited to:

 

• Understanding of boundaries
• Expectation for the threesome
• Reason for wanting to have a threesome
• What each person was feeling right before the issue
• What each person felt right after the issue

Once they have found a solution then their next step is decide if they will continue to have a threesome and if so then they will need to adhere to agreement they made with each other Alternatively if they decide not to continue then it might be worthwhile six to twelve months down the road to revisit the decision.

Mitigating the risk

This leads this author to the question what are the signs and what can be done to prevent issues or at least reduce their impact. Each couple from first discussion to debriefing should take the time to discuss potential reactions that they may have, what might trigger the reaction, how the expect to handle them, and get their partner’s feedback about their reactions. By talking through and addressing any potential ‘flashpoints’ will go a long way to lower any negative feelings after the threesome.

Also as a part of their discussion about having a threesome the couple needs to talk about other broader issues relating to a threesome such as their religious beliefs about sex / threesomes, definitions of cheating, their attitudes about sex, how they were taught about sex, marriage, and how they view what they are planning to do. Taking the time to discuss these issues and work through them will also help to lower any negative feelings afterwards.

Then after the threesome the couple should expect as the thrill of the meet begins to wear off and the reality of what has occurred begins to enter their reality they should expect some feelings that they were not planning to experience. Also they will need to accept their actions, the impact that it may have on their partner and accept that the act has occurred there is no way to change it. Some feelings that may be experienced include:

• Husband not expecting his wife to enjoy it as much as she did
• Wife feeling guilty afterwards
• Feeling as though they have cheated even though their behavior was within the defined boundaries
• Feelings of loss and / or abandonment
• Questioning if your partner still loves you
• Guilt
• Conflicting emotions over enjoying the meet but feeling as though it was not meant to be enjoyed
• Issues that were underlying in the relationship begin to surface
• A fondness for the third person
• Questions about their relationship

It is important immediately after the threesome comes to an end that the couple begin to talk through the encounter. They should begin to discuss issues about:

• How they are feeling
• What they liked about the encounter
• What they did not like
• Any issues that were brought up by their actions or the action of their spouse
• Any boundaries that they thought were violated
• Any boundaries that they feel should be changed and a reason for them being changed.
• Would they want to have another threesome
• Would they want to invite the same person again
• What would they like to try next time
• What would they do differently

If debriefing does not occur right after the encounter the risk is that issues will begin to develop and feelings will go unaddressed. Neglecting debriefing will cause a downward spiral in the relationship and allow any issue to grow larger.

For a threesome to have a minimal negative effect on feelings communication needs to be occurring throughout the process, feelings need to be addressed, any issues need to be addressed, and the couple needs to accept that feelings are a part of being human. It is not bad to have feelings that make you uncomfortable but what you do with them is what matters.

Related articles

• Threesome myths (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from & how to address them (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Problems with quid pro quo as a negotiating position for threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Perils of using a friend or co-worker for a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Why some couples choose full threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Questions regarding overcoming resistance to threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Overcoming resistance to the idea of a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
• OP-ED: Essential characteristics that every couple considering a threesome should have (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Having the initial discussion (3somes.wordpress.com)

What next? What is the minimum discussion we need to have before having a threesome?

What next? Is the question that gets asked when you decide to bring up the discussion about having a threesome and before finding the third person. It is a time of uncertainty, insecurity, and facing challenges to the relationship. During this time is about reflection and deciding what needs to be discussed before each of you are comfortable with the idea of having a threesome. Also, it is during this time questions such as what if… happens, potential boundaries are discussed, identifying any activities that need to be reserved for the two of you, and coming together as couple in understanding how a threesome will benefit your relationship. None of these discussions will be easy, there will be disagreements, feelings, and may take time to reach a consensus on them. However the exercise is important as it will foster further communication between the two of you, begin developing your problem solving skills as a couple, and begin to work through any underlying issues that these discussions may identify.

What if…happens discussion is probably one of the most important discussions that the two of you will have. This discussion is essentially identifying any risks to the relationship, discussing its impact, and how the two of you will cope with it. Typical what if topics include:

• Pregnancy
• STDs, HIV / AIDs
• Developing feelings for the third person
• Mind changes
• Cannot agree on a third person
• Variations to plan (e.g. cuckold, wanting to have sex alone with the person, and enjoying it too much)
• Issues with the third person such as: what if they want me to keep … secret from you.
• Discover they are bisexual
• Relationship issues
• One member of the couple wants to continue wanting to have a threesome while the other does not

Plus there are many more what if… happens topics that each couple can come up with. This discussion should be exhaustive as possible to work through all potential issues along the way and identify how they are going to be handled.

As you work through the what if…happens and develop strategies for dealing with them the need for developing boundaries will begin to occur. Boundaries can be split into at least two categories, relationship and threesome. The relationship boundaries address issues regarding the relationship and topics may include:

• How to handle issues in the relationship after the threesome occurs
• Agreeing that the threesome was a mutual decision
• Agreeing not to use having the threesome against the other
• Agreeing to not to go to bed mad
• Agreeing to talk about having the threesome without judgement
• Realizing each person has a veto and they can exercise it at anytime
• Only to move as fast as the person least comfortable with having a threesome.
• The threesome will only occur if both partners are agreeable on the third
• Communication with the third will be transparent. Meaning no communication occurs without the others knowledge and what is discussed is made known so that there are no surprises.

Threesome boundaries are the boundaries that most people think of when boundaries are mentioned in regards to a threesome. They might include:

• One off situation
• No anal sex
• Both will be present at all times with the third person
• Condoms / safe sex will be used
• No watersports, role playing, BDSM, anything that involves pain, or humiliation.

Regardless of the boundaries, boundaries need to be viewed on a periodic basis for relevancy, clarity, and if they need to be changed. It is anticipated that as a couple becomes more experienced with threesomes their boundaries will naturally change.

As boundaries begin to be discussed along with what if…happens, another area begins to become apparent. This area is sometimes referred to as keeping certain activities between ourselves. It means that there are certain activities such as:

• Kissing
• Giving oral sex to the male
• Swallowing cum
• Anal sex
• Activities that are special to the couple

Remain with the couple. The general rule is if you will not do it with your partner then you should not do it in a threesome situation.

Keeping certain activities exclusive to the couple can help the couple separate their relationship from having threesomes, help to maintain their relationship, and help build trust in their relationship. Some couples may find that this helps them start out and once they get comfortable they may decide certain activities can be allowed. However it is very much dependent on them.

As these discussions occur it should become apparent the underlying reason for wanting a threesome. There is no one correct reason for having a threesome. However if the reason is:

• Adding spice to the relationship
• Fixing the relationship
• Relationship is getting stale
• Relationship is under a period of stress / conflict
• Manipulation or one member of the couple is feeling forced
• One partner desires the experience much more than the other

Or any other reason that is based on power, control, conflict, stress that could damage the relationship then the threesome should not be done.

There should be an equal desire along with the ability to work through any issue before a threesome is under taken.

Threesomes work the best when the relationship is stable, there is an equal desire, and the couple has the ability to negotiate a solution. If it comes as the result of conflict, unequal desire, manipulation, or relationship stress then there is a good chance that the threesome will be destructive.

In any event the couple is the final deciding factor on that decision based on their discussions and needs at the time.

Basic etiquette for a male wanting mmf threesome

Remember they are a couple

 

You may be thinking that having a threesome is a quick way to get laid without having the complication of a relationship. Unfortunately this is not the case and you will have to form a relationship that is similar to a working relationship with them. During your communications with them if you only focus on the woman, getting laid, or your “assets,” there is a good chance you will not be considered. This is due to the fact that he male half of the couple normally acts as a gatekeeper and you won’t get past him if you ignore him. Best bet is to include both in your communications, let him know you respect him, you respect her, and you respect them as a couple. This does not mean you have to give the male half equal attention. Instead it means you need to recognize her partner enters into the equation and by ignoring him you are most likely killing your chances of being considered for a threesome with them.

 

In any communication be courteous and genuine.

 

Courtesy, honesty, and genuineness goes a long way with a couple. Trying to be someone who you are not, lying about yourself, or being rude will not get you far. Swearing, using colloquialisms, and being too casual is likely to work to your detriment. If a couple suspects that you are lying, not who you say you are, or disrespectful trust will not be developed. Without developing a level of trust with the couple there is no chance that a threesome will occur.

 

When responding to online ads respond to the information in the ad

 

This means read the ad and respond to the ad itself instead of sending them a template response. It also means letting them know how you meet their stated requirements. A generic, template, response or someone who did not read the ad is easy to identify. Most likely this will result in your reply being rejected. If the ad or their reply does not ask for contact information such as contact number or email address then do not provide it.

 

Be prompt, on time, and let them immediately know if you cannot show

 

Nothing speaks poorly about your character if you are late or you are no show without letting them. It is not a good idea to be fashionably late as most couples will not wait much beyond their stated meeting time for you to show and most likely will not give you another chance if you do not show. So, it is important that you remain in communication with them before meeting them and let them promptly know of anything that may delay you showing up.

 

Be clean and smartly dressed

 

As the cliché goes, you only have one chance to make a good impression. Meeting a couple without bathing and poor hygiene will not impress them. Take the time on your appearance and dress for the environment you will be meeting them. Even if you are going to their home for drinks to see where things go, dress smart for them.

 

Understand your role

 

Your role in a two male threesome is to support the husband in providing his wife with a sexual experience that cannot be provided in a monogamous relationship. This means having sex with two guys at once and it is not due to the fact that there is something in the relationship that he cannot provide. In essence you are a ‘toy’ for them and not a replacement.

 

Follow their lead

 

This experience is primarily for them and you are there as an added benefit. There may be a time where you may want to help them progress from discussion to the act or enhance the overall experience. In most cases provided you stick within their boundaries you will be alright but it is a good idea to ask before taking a leap.

 

Ask  

 

If you are unsure about their boundaries, their boundaries appear contradictory, or there is anything else that you have a question about them then make sure to ask. It is better to ask than making the wrong assumption.

 

Don’t rush

 

There is a tendency if a couple shows an interest to push the couple towards the act. Let the couple dictate the speed from contact to the act and if they are moving too slow for you then they are not the couple for you.

 

Don’t be afraid to say no

 

Remember having a threesome is a two way street. Granted the couple may have most of the control over the situation. However if you are not in agreement or the couple does not meet you needs then you are well within your rights to say no. It might mean that you loose the invite but it will prevent a bad experience.

The problems of trying to use a threesome to add spice to a relationship

 

 

Trust is a word that is commonly used in advertising in making a brand appear reputable and in a relationship it is the cornerstone of the relationship. It is formed in a relationship through a couple’s history, ability to communicate, and ability to allow the relationship to grow. Once communication breakdown a couple’s relationship begins suffering, needs stop getting met and the relationship begins to decay. Without trust a relationship withers and dies. If a couple allows the relationship to decay long enough cheating is a likely result in order to highlight to the couple that there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

 

In an effort to minimize cheating from occurring couples on occasion will look to having a threesome as a way to manage a partner that has previously cheated or preventing cheating from occurring. Unfortunately this is a wrong perception and leads to further problems in the relationship. This is due to the lack of trust being communicated by one partner to the other and it does not provide a solid foundation for having a threesome.

 

Sometimes couples will look to having a threesome for repairing a relationship that has gone sour, a relationship that has become mundane, or one that is in need of some work. In these situations trust becomes an issue due to the fact both members of the couple are aware that their relationship has issues, they are not sure how to fix it, and are hoping that having a threesome will add life to it. However the reality is the relationship is vulnerable to the influence of the third and it is quite possible that the third could destroy the relationship through influencing one member of the couple to withhold information from the other. Also it is quite possible that the couple will not take the time to work through all of the issues involved in having a threesome, rush to have one, and create further issues for them due to the continued breakdown of communication between them.

 

On occasion a couple will look to having a threesome due to one partner who is easily jealous, angry, or controlling in an effort to show that this is no longer an issue for them. Trust usually becomes an issue at some point due to the fact the suspicious nature of the person and their reluctance to fully trust their partner.

 

In any event trust is needed for a threesome to be successful. Transparent communication, debriefing, willingness to immediately discuss any issues that come up, setting up boundaries, and the following of the established boundaries all go to great length in establishing trust. Trust does not come easy especially when it involves having sex outside of monogamous relationship and a threesome should not be undertaken if there are any issues of trust. If there are issues of trust there is a good chance that the invited third person could seize an opportunity to divide the relationship and issues of trust can fuel future conflicts surrounding issues regarding the threesome. Before undertaking a threesome the couple need to feel that there is trust and the ability to communicate should any issue come up. Otherwise there is a good chance that the threesome will prove to be destructive for the relationship.

 

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Is choosing an ex for a threesome a good idea?

 

 

Choosing an ex for a threesome might seem like a tempting idea but the choice is full of risks for the relationship. In most cases it is better to avoid choosing an ex for the third person in a threesome. Nonetheless, there might be a few exceptions and this article will briefly examine the problem and the possible exceptions to the rule of no ex for a threesome.

 

1)      Feelings can be rekindled 

 

There is a difference between a threesome and a dating relationship. A threesome requires a level of emotional detachment thereby allowing the ability to separate the physical act of sex from the emotional aspect. Having had a previous relationship with the individual makes it difficult to separate feelings from sex and greatly increases the risk of feelings being formed.

 

2)      The previous relationship may begin again

 

 

 

The cliché that time heals all wound. Meaning the further you get from the relationship ending the more likely you remember the good things about it and minimize the bad. For the person considering a threesome with their ex it means they are more likely to remember the good things about the relationship while minimizing the reason the relationship ended. This means they might be susceptible to any influence that their ex may have on them because most of their memories will be positive and will view their ex more positively.

 

3)      Drama and conflict

 

The relationship ended for a reason. Bringing an ex into a threesome situation may rekindle feelings and lead to previous conflicts in the relationship. These conflicts have the potential of spiralling out of control and negative impacting the current relationship.

 

4)      Risk of cheating and breakdown in communication

 

If there were strong feelings for the ex there is a chance that these may be rekindled. By introducing an ex into a threesome situation there is a possibility that cheating may occur. Plus there may be a temptation to hide or down play any communication that they may have had with their ex. This may fuel conflicts in the relationship.

 

5)      Risk of pregnancy

 

If pregnancy resulted from the threesome with an ex then the pregnancy would bind the two. The resulting pregnancy would have a detrimental effect on the current relationship and if the relationship remained it would put a strain on it.

 

      6)   Test / Minimizing the risk of cheating

 

There are some who believe by having a threesome with an ex it is a way to test if their partner still has feelings for the ex and by having a threesome with them it is a way to minimize cheating later. This is a fallacy and having a threesome for this reason, with an ex, is a poor decision that should be avoided at all costs.

 

 

 

Reasons for selecting an ex for a threesome

 

Before deciding to select or not to select a former ex for a threesome a relationship risk analysis needs to be conducted with the previous relationship being examined.

 

Assessing the Risk

 

 

 

The risk of an adverse impact on the current relationship depends to a large extent on the previous relationship with the ex. If the relationship with the ex included any of the following:

 

• Involved sexual intercourse
• Lasted for more than a few months
• They were either engaged or married
• Involved children
• Relationship ended less than 5 years ago
• Remain in regular contact even though there are no children
• Relationship was turbulent

 

The more conditions above that are met the more likely that selecting an ex for a threesome will adversely impact the couple’s current relationship. However with enough discussion, problem solving, and trust inviting an ex may work for the couple. Some reasons for selecting an ex includes

 

1)      Convenience

 

They are readily available and if the relationship ended amicably approachable. There is already a relationship to draw from and makes the process easier.

 

2)      Resolution of issues

 

Especially if sex did not occur by inviting an ex may help by allowing the relationship to end. In a way, inviting the ex to a threesome may help in resolving any unfinished business in the relationship and allow it to end for both that were involved in it.

 

3)      Fulfilment of a fantasy

 

Sometimes having a threesome with your ex and current partner is a fantasy. By having this type of threesome will allow this fantasy to be fulfilled.

 

Minimizing the Risk

 

 

 

For this type of situation to be successful it requires a lot of communication, preparation, discussion, boundaries, negotiation, and trust. The partner who is inviting their ex needs to honest about their relationship talking about their feelings regarding their ex, what caused the relationship to end, and any unresolved issues with them. This needs to be talked through and discussed before any agreement is made.

 

The couple also needs to do a relationship assessment too in an effort to determine what impact this unique situation could have on their relationship and how to overcome any adverse effect that this type of threesome would have.

 

It is only after careful consideration, lengthy discussions, and assessment of the situation should this type of threesome being agreed.

 

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Common places to have a threesome

 

 

One of the biggest challenges a couple will face when planning a threesome is where to have it and it is important to remember all threesomes have inherent risks, for example: pregnancy, risk to the relationship,  safety, and STI/ STDs, There are several different places to have it and this article will explore some of the more common places along with their advantages and disadvantages.

 

Home: This is the place where the couple lives and provides them with a level of familiarity. By having a familiar place it will help them to feel comfortable and can help the couple be more responsive thereby allowing them to enjoy the threesome more. However there are some issues with having a threesome at their home. First is a loss of privacy, neighbors may see you bringing in a stranger and the third person knowing where you live. This can lead to further issue such as safety and having your identity stolen. Another issue bringing the third person to your home can pose, children unexpectedly waking up or walking in on the activity.  Final issue is getting the third person to leave after the threesome. Normally this does not seem to be a major issue but it can be if they are not ready.

 

Third Person’s Residence: As an option this addresses many of the issue above but it can increase the risk to safety. Along with the issue of safety, going to a strange place may make being responsive difficult and it can create a very uncomfortable feel.  Also, if they live a far distance from the couple’s residence it may make travelling to their place impossible and if they have children then the children will be exposed to the threesome.

 

Hotel / Motel: Offers a good alternative between staying at someone’s home and bringing someone into your home. It offers a good way of protecting identity and possibly providing a relaxed atmosphere for a threesome.  However, this choice can be expensive and not all lodging places welcome this type of activity. It is possible, though this author feels the risk is generally low, if there is an arrangement to split the cost, the couple pays for the room(s), or the invited third person pays for the room(s) then it is possible that there is a risk of being charged with prostitution. The risk increases if the lodging facility does not approve of the activity and the laws regarding prostitution can be liberally interpreted in applying it to a threesome situation. This author feels the best way to avoid this risk is by having each book a room and pay for their own room.

 

Dogging:  This is an activity that is popular in England and it involves having sex in public. Typically there are locations that are known where this activity occurs and you can meet someone for some anonymous sex. It poses several risks such as risk to safety, risk of arrest, and risk of STDs / STIs.

 

Swingers Clubs: Like a hotel / motel they offer a good place for a threesome. Nonetheless there are several issues with them such as cost and distance (since they tend to be in / near large metropolitan cities). Also couples need to be clear about their boundaries, be willing to discuss their boundaries, and be willing to mingle to find someone.

 

Online – Webcam / Instant Messenger / Chatrooms: Having an online threesome offers a couple an opportunity to have a threesome without the risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases from the invited third person, along with greater protection for their relationship. It also offers the third person a voyeur role whereby they can watch the couple having sex.  While having an online threesome allows an interaction there are some distinct disadvantages.  A disadvantage is the artificialness of the experience. Having to interact online and not be physically present can act as a barrier thereby removing some of the spontaneity. Another disadvantage lies in the rules of the site and the law. By having a threesome online it could violate the Terms of Service of the site and potentially be in violation of the country’s law, especially if one of the participants is under the age of 18.

 

 

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