How to make a fantasy come true: My interview with Erika Foxx


Today, I am announcing my first author interview with erotic author Erika Foxx. Some may know her as the author of such books as a Behind Him All the WayWaking Up Book 1: Dex and Tasia’s Erotic Adventures. or the timeless classic Taste for Kyle. I cannot be any happier since the interview comes a few weeks before the holidays and it gives my readers a chance to buy themselves something special or help to cut down their shopping list of gifts to buy. Even if you do not buy a book it is a great opportunity to learn more about an author who writes about making sexual fantasies coming true.

As for my reason for doing this interview, I feel, Erika Foxx is a talented author whose writing interest is very similar to the topics on this site and I feel Taste for Kyle, Taste for Jackson and Taste for Four are stories that go the heart of topics here. I believe, by doing this interview it will help my readers discover the world of erotic literature and what better way to ease into the conversation of having a threesome then by giving a book?

When will this interview occur? The interview will go live on 6 December 2014 shortly after midnight GMT or shortly after 16:00 Pacific Time on Friday 5 December 2014 in the United States.

If there is a question you want to ask Erika Foxx please use the below form. Otherwise I hope to see you here where the interview goes live.

20 tweeters to follow


twitter listI find I can get news faster on twitter than watching television and I can get it from various sources that present the same story from a different angle. Also I am find a lot of my daily information comes from twitter.

After a while, interest in twitter starts to wain because the information has the feel of a dependable worn shoe. The type of shoe for running outside in the rain to get the mail or buying a quart of milk for the morning cup of coffee at the corner shop after discovering the milk in the fridge has chunks.It is great because it is dependable but deep down it is understood more is needed.

We all hit a time where we are looking for someone new to follow on twitter. Sometimes it is to increase followers or learn something new. I find I can get news faster on twitter than watching television and I am find a lot of my daily information comes from twitter.

Nonetheless, from time to time, we all need a bit of a help in finding new, relevant, and interesting material. Below is a small list to get you started on your search. The list covers a variety of active tweeters on twitter with the vast majority covering erotica, threesomes, and cuckolding.

As a result many of them are nsfw (not suitable for work and meant for over 18). This means some of their content in their tweets may be suitable for work. However they may contain links, videos, or pictures that may be questionable for work.  In my opinion @JohnnyLavish1, @ErikaFooxBooks, and @FredChukkawakka are probably the only three that are possibly suitable for work.

Please check back periodically as the list may be expanded or updated. If you feel I have missed a tweeter please let me know by completing the below contact form.

  1. @ErikaFoxxBooks
  2. @VirtuousPervert
  3. @JohnnyLavish1
  4. @swingerswebsite
  5. @thecuckplace
  6. @splooshcpl
  7. @AskAprilcom
  8. @hotwives
  9. @mywifescuckold
  10. @Bmore_horny
  11. @thecuckoldsite
  12. @Cosmopolitan
  13. @paigen
  14. @AdultMatchMaker
  15. @Dalecuck
  16. @YoungCouple
  17. @FredChukkawakka

Related Articles

Planning a threesome

Threesome Variations

Couple’s Cuckolding

Why couples choose cuckolding?

Characteristics of successful couples

Easing into cuckolding

Cuckolding web sites

Threesome web sites

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Cuckolding is it right for me?


cuckolding right for meIt all starts with a harmless thought

At night in bed

Laying in bed a night and she is already asleep. The room is dark and quiet.  Random thoughts begin entering and leaving without too much attention. Soon one question enters and cause some pondering, what will it be like if she was fucking someone else for me?

At first the idea is repulsive. How can it happen? She will never go through with it, let alone consider it. Even if she will consider the idea, it will never happen and if it did happen, she will make sure not to enjoy it.

Knowing she will not go through with it is not enough to allow the question to pass like the others. Soon an image enters. She is laying naked on a king size bed with white sheets and her legs spread. On top of her is male but has no face. They are embracing and he is inside of her. Looking at her, it is obvious she is enjoying it.

Now mere thought of her being with someone else is upsetting and invokes feelings of anger. Soon the feeling of anger subsides and something about the image catches your interest. As you lay there looking at her and thinking about the image of her being with someone else, it is not long before getting hard. Soon feelings of arousal and joy replace feelings of repulsion.The image of her with someone else is arousing and the idea is something you begin considering before asking yourself, is cuckolding right for me?

Foreplay

It starts out with a very suggestive texts during the day in order to seduce her when she gets home, “You look sexy,” “I Love You,” “When I get you home I am going to do nasty things to you.” She reciprocates by texting suggestive photos back along with describing how wet her texts got her. Arriving home from a long day at work, sex is the meal being served. Neither of you are hungry for food but hunger for each other. Supper is delayed for the both of you to feast on the pleasures that await for you in your bedroom.

The bedroom is dark with some light cracking the curtains and the hallway light the seeps into the bedroom from the slightly open door. Each crawls into bed pulling up the blankets and holds the other. Soon light touching and caressing is replaced by intense arousal that involves intense lustful kissing. Soon the kissing settles and the room electrified with an intense hunger for the other. She positions herself into a missionary position suggestively saying, “do whatever you want to me,” that is followed by “making me cum really hard.”

Her challenge “opens the door” to test her reaction of being shared. While eating her out, she moans and her body moves with her stroke of her clit. Soon you begin fingering her and describing a scene where another man fucks her. Initial thought, “she will say I don’t like this,” but she reacts positively getting even hornier before coming hard.

Describing be taken by another man, her lack of resistance, and her cumming hard suggests she is open to the idea? As a result a question arises, how do I take it to the next step? Followed by, how do I make it happen for her? Instead the question should be, “is cuckolding right for me?”

The basics

What is cuckolding?

Today, cuckolding is a word creeping into our everyday vocabulary.  Just a few years ago, very few knew what cuckolding is but with social media more people are showing an interest in practice. Before being able to answer the question, is cuckolding right for me? It is necessary to understand the practice.

Traditional Definition

When we hear the cuckold it is natural to assume it is a fairly new word that has grown out of the sexual liberation of the 1960s. Nonetheless the genesis of the word cuckolding goes back nearly 500 years as the word for an unfaithful wife.

As time progressed and the word cuckolding became a part of our everyday vocabulary, the usage expanded. Today it covers a variety of sexual practices where the husband, in most cases remains monogamous, but his wife takes on at least one male lover outside of the relationship. In such cases, unlike in the past, it is done with her husband’s knowledge and consent.

Liberal Definition

Visit a few web sites that talks about cuckolding and it soon becomes apparent cuckolding is quickly becoming a dumping ground for any group sex activity that loosely falls under the definition of wife sharing. Wife sharing involves a inviting at least one other person Likewise, there is a tendency to use the word to cover sexual practices that are more synonymous with swinging, wife sharing, and wife swapping. Some will argue this usage is incorrect and I agree.

Couple’s cuckolding

So far in this discussion, cuckolding involves some form of BDSM or some form of group sex activity. Now, I am going to add a third definition. This definition involves wife sharing, though excluding gang-bangs and orgies, while incorporating some aspects of traditional cuckolding.  It does not involve forming long-term emotional relationship common to traditional cuckolding and it does not involve opening-up the relationship.

I call couple’s cuckolding.Couple’s cuckolding tends to fall in between the strict interpretation of the word cuckolding and the more liberal definition that includes all types of group sex activity that falls short of being classified as an orgy. Under the strict interpretation of cuckolding, the practice includes a BDSM element such as: humiliation, domination, submission, and discipline. The practice, for some couples moves from being a role play activity into a lifestyle that is dominated by their rules. Couples who take cuckolding to the extreme may practice withholding sex for a period of time, using a male chastity device, and may involve some form of discipline if the rules are not followed.

Also under the strict definition, it is the wife who takes on a male lover, other than her husband. Her contact with her male lover, is usually done outside of the home and usually, though not always, without her husband being present. This implies cuckolding, when using this definition, has a quasi open relationship element to it and a quasi polyamory element to it.

Whereas couple’s cuckolding eliminates the quasi polyamory and open relationship element by keeping the experience at the level of sexual enjoyment instead of focusing on relationship development. This means there may be some BDSM elements to a couple’s cuckolding but it is not a dominating feature. Likewise, couple cuckolding is not meant to become a lifestyle but something a couple will under take for periodic mutual enjoyment. This means couple’s cuckolding probably resembles a threesome but without her husband being present. Instead his enjoyment comes from her regaling her experience and if she chooses, sharing sloppy seconds.

Finally for this article, cuckolding will incorporate the traditional definition and couple’s cuckolding.

Is cuckolding right for me?

Laying in bed and thinking about your wife having sex with someone else or role playing it as a part of foreplay is not sufficient to know if it is a good choice.  Knowing if cuckolding is the right choice involves discussions, reflection, and understanding expectations for everyone before reaching a decision. Nonetheless there are a few questions to ponder to help in answering the question:

  1. Do I accept there is a difference between the reality of cuckolding and how it is portrayed in the media?
  2. Am I comfortable in various situations?
  3. Can I be assertive
  4. Am I comfortable with my spouse / partner to speak to them about absolutely anything?
  5. Do I wait for all of the information before making a decision?
  6. Do I get easily jealous?
  7. Am I prepared to share my wife with someone else?
  8. Am I am willing to accept the changes to our relationship that will occur?
  9. Can I accept there will be someone else in her life that may be as important as me?
  10. Am I willing to support her?

Finally

There is no correct answer to the question, is cuckolding right for me? The above questions are meant for reflection and are meant to help with the decision of suggesting trying cuckolding. They are also meant to help the individual understand some of the issues involved and the challenges they may face. It is important to remember, cuckolding is fundamentally different than having a threesome and therefore puts different demands on a couple.

The answer is only found after reflecting, researching the topic, and discussing. Only then, can a couple truly answer if cuckolding is right for them.

Related Articles

Having the Initial Discussion

What should I expect?

Planning a threesome

Threesome Variations

Couple’s Cuckolding

Why couples choose cuckolding?

Characteristics of successful couples

Easing into cuckolding

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First Time cuckolding: The once in a lifetime roller coaster ride that is worth taking


galleryFirst Time? No Ticket Required

I remember riding a roller coaster as a kid. The fear of heights along with the fear of falling out that always made me nervous of riding a roller coaster. Then as the roller coaster climbed to the top rushing down, emotional rush as it speeds down the hill.

Cuckolding in some ways is like being on a roller coaster. Once she agrees to try cuckolding and a lot of images miraculously enter your mind. Not everyone cuckolds and a feeling of privilege begins overtaking your body like a tidal wave. The feeling, is like winning the lottery or receiving membership in an exclusive club. It is something very unique. Soon questions, fears, anxiety, and a flurry of other emotions begins to grip your mind. A feeling of being overwhelmed hits and questions such as, is this normal enter your mind?

What is it like during the time from ‘yes’ to the actual experience and then afterwards? What can I do to help me through the time? Agreeing to be cuckold can be a rich and rewarding experience. However until you have the experience, know what to expect, and know the outcome then the experience is best describe as an emotional roller coaster.

The Journey

1) Emotional Roller coaster

After agreeing to have a cuckold, it is common for emotions fluctuate very quickly and to fluctuate for varying lengths of time. In the beginning it is common to feel elation and maybe some fear. During this time fear is quickly ignored because of the surge of feeling immense joy over the upcoming event.

Then as the day gets closer extremes feelings happen. Suddenly you feel excitement and then fear.  The fear grips your mind and then every thing that can go wrong appears in your mind, like a bad dream. Panic can happen and doubts if this is the right choice happens. Right before succumbing to the fear, reality comes to rescue by removing the fear.

Now the day arrives and she leaves for her date. At first a quiet calm happens, feeling like a member of an exclusive club and feeling privilege leads to a feeling of euphoria. As the feeling of euphoria beings to wane, fear begins chirping like a child wanting to know how much longer. The feeling of euphoria stifles the sound of fear but as the feeling of euphoria diminishes like a mother who cannot keep saying no. Soon fear takes over. Is she safe? Is she enjoying herself? What will she be like when she gets home? Is our relationship over? Why did I agree to this when I could have said no? starting playing like a tape recording.

The cycle of feeling euphoria and fear continues. Watching television or playing a game of solitaire is not an option since the emotional roller coaster is creating too much anxiety. Only a distraction can work.

2) Need for distraction

The need for a distraction is fairly obvious by providing an emotional balance during this time that will not cause harm later. A distraction can be as simple as housework, gardening, or going to a movie. It can involve a friend or a group. However, not everyone wants to know about cuckolding or someone’s sexual adventure therefore it becomes necessary being selective discussing the reason for distraction.

3) Desire to push the limits

During the time of joy, euphoria, or excitement feeling like nothing can bad can happen does occur. It leads to a feeling of invincibility and the willingness the change boundaries because nothing bad can happen. This feeling comes about from being a part of a privilege and for the most part, a secret club. However, we tend to forget superman had his Krypton and every club has it rules.

4) Relationship Changes

Through the emotional highs and emotional lows something is quietly happening in the background, change. That is right change to the relationship is occurring. Nothing is frozen forever in time and we are not able to go back in time to fix or prevent something from going wrong.

In a few days, weeks, or months, she is going to have sex with someone outside of the relationship. This will mean the relationship, for better or worse, will change. Change will occur in threesome stages.

First stage is the immediate stage. This is the time from right after she returns for the first few weeks. It is the time when the relationship copes with the cuckolding experience and redefines itself. During this period there is a lot of change occurring.

Second stage is the latency stage. After the resolution of the first stage there is a period of relative quiet where very little occurs. This can last for a few days, weeks, or months.

Final stage is the new normal. Through all of the discussions that have occurred, perception of the experience, and attitudes towards each other will redefine this stage. This is the point where the relationship finally works resolves the issues and defines how the couple will relate to each other.

5) Empowerment

During relationship changes and the fluctuations of emotions that are occurring there is something very quietly working in the background, empowerment. Cuckolding can be a very empowering experience for a couple. For him it is about expressing his desire in an open way and having his desire met. This means he is able to openly communicate his tawdry desire and have it met without fear of retribution. Depending on the form the couple’s cuckolding takes, it can be a way for him to give control to his wife and unburden some of the pressure he feels.

For her is a lot deeper. By cuckolding she is able to confirm her sexual desirability to someone else without fear of loosing the relationship. This can be a very powerful experience because it can show her she is more than a wife, a mother, and she is a sexual person.

Finally for the couple, cuckolding provides a route for improving the communication and a way to get their needs met.

Journey Aftermath

6) Knowing the Details

Trying cuckolding means only one person has sex with someone outside of the relationship that is done with the knowledge and consent of the other person in the relationship. This can be prove a very powerful aphrodisiac for a couple because one of them has an experience the other does not and by sharing the details of the experience it can be something that binds them as a couple.

This raises the question, how do you share the details? From my experience, the best way is to tell it like a story and tell it as a part of foreplay. Focus on the feelings, scents, mood, and anything else that can draw your partner into the story. Use a tone a voice that is  suggestive and inviting. Do not rush it and do not have him just laying listening to the story. Instead have him experience the story by becoming a part of it. Have him do the some of things you were experiencing and encourage him. If he asks any questions be hones but positive.

7) Sloppy seconds

One of the succulent rewards of cuckolding is experiencing sloppy seconds. Feeling her stretched from another cock being deep inside of her along with her red swollen lips and if no condom was used, the warm sticky feeling of her lover’s cum. Also there is usually a subtle smell of must.

Sloppy seconds is a result of an experience each individual openly embraced and something that should be enjoyed instead of being shunned.

For her it is a sign of her desirability to another and for him it is a sign of his fantasy being fulfilled. Ideally they should take time together before falling asleep to share and enjoy the experience together.

8) Best Sex of your life

The smell of sex along with details of the experience and experiencing sloppy seconds can lead to an incredible sexual experience. Especially if it is done shortly after she comes home. From my experience, nothing can compare to it.

9) Improved Communication

After the experience and as the relationship finds its ‘new normal.’ One of the possible benefits is seeing improved communication. Especially feeling less afraid to discuss ideas and an open willingness to share ideas that can lead to an increase in trust.

10) Trust Issues

After the euphoria, from hearing the details and enjoying sloppy seconds, reality begins to enter. Questions such as, what happened? How could I have agreed to this? Why did I agree to this? can occur. This happens because the emotional roller coaster is ending, relationship changes are occurring, and facing the reality of what is happening can create issues of trust. This is normal and happens as the relationship undergoes changes that brings up trust issues. It is important to see the experience as a journey not an isolate series of events and to discuss the issue, in a calm and non-judgmental, manner.

In contrast it is very possible cuckolding can be a very positive experience that confirms trust in the relationship and allows the relationship to grow further.

Finally

Cuckolding is not right for every couple. For those that it suitable then cuckolding can be a great experience for any couple who is willing to undertake the risk, who is willing to communicate, and trust each other. It can bring them together, provide powerful visual images for foreplay that will last for many years, and it can improve their communication. It is one roller coaster ride, for the right couple, that is worth taking.

Related Articles

Cuckolding Guide: Enjoying Sloppy Seconds

Power of Sloppy Seconds

Her first date: A cuckolding guide for her

Her first date: A cuckolding guide for him

After Yes Now What: A cuckolding beginners guide

10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask

Cuckolding for Couples: Making cuckolding a partnership

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Remorse: How to get over it and start living again


RemorseIntroduction

No one should feel remorse when having a cuckold experience. It is a situation where each person has a say and each person has control. Essentially, it does not happen without everyone agreeing and this implies there is personal responsibility.

Furthermore, such an experience is very intimate and very beautiful experience leaving  that should leave all involved feeling good afterwards. For the couple it is something that is unique for them that defines their relationship and is meant to bring them closer. As for the invited individual such an invitation is a privilege that gets extended only to a select few. Few of us thinks about the triad, the three involved in the threesome. A threesome experience or cuckold experience for the triad something shared between them. It is something that binds a couple to someone outside of their relationship. Overall the experience is meant to be a precious that brings happiness to all.

Nonetheless, even with the best planning and the best communication feeling of remorse occurs. What is remorse? Simply put remorse is feeling guilty for something that has occurred. It is the feeling that results from going against personal beliefs, lack of communication, or underlying issues. It is a feeling that can destroy feelings a joy and happiness before turning them into despair.

Below are three scenarios of how remorse may develop. This article will deal with the first two since the third is more indicative, this author believes, of a relationship experiencing issues resulting from a breakdown in communication or someone who is not assertive enough to have their needs addressed.

I agreed to what?

Meeting the potential third person for supper. A glass of wine and the conversation begins flowing. She begins flirting with him and soon they are kissing like teenagers. Everything is going smoothly, the two of you decide to invite them back to your place for a ‘nightcap.’ Once at your place, the unspoken message a threesome will happen. Now the only questions remains is how to transition from conversation to sex. After another glass of wine the question seems to work itself out. The two of you are undressing her and all three of you migrate to the bedroom. In the bedroom the scene is more than you can ever believe and you realize porn has underplayed the exhilaration of the experience. He enters her and all of a sudden reality hits like a train hitting a car at high speed. In an instant the joy that is felt is replaced with remorse.

Blindsided:

After the threesome you feel like ‘high-fiving’ your wife and the other for such a fantastic experience. They dress and leave. For the next few hours euphoria hits and a feeling like you have done something marvelous, like cure cancer, hits. Slowly pains of angst hit. As the angst hit you begin feeling fear, dread, and remorse. Soon the euphoria pushes the feeling away. As time passes it feels as though there is a battle going on between joy and angst. After feeling so euphoric from the experience all of a sudden remorse sets in and this time the euphoric feeling does not come back. Now you are left with feelings of dread, fear, and remorse.

I am someone who thinks of others before myself, what is wrong with that?

Having a threesome is more their idea than yours. Instead of discussing your concerns the decision was made to hold back your feelings and give your partner something they wanted. During the time between making the decision not to say anything and the threesome you felt it was noble to put aside feelings for the good of the relationship. You watched them have sex and instead of feeling arouse you felt emotionally number. Now you are feeling regret and disgust.

Why do I feel this way? Where did my feelings come from?

Who has died?

Having a threesome in many ways can lead to temporary feelings of loss or mourning. This can result from sharing your spouse with someone else. When sharing your spouse it can temporarily lead to a feeling of loss. Feeling of loss occurs because of the realization the frailness of your relationship and that someone else finds your partner attractive. By having a threesome it shatters the idealistic image of a relationship and now you are confronted with the true preciousness of your relationship.

Likewise by having a threesome one of the two bonds of monogamy are broken, physical monogamy. This can lead to feelings of remorse because your relationship has moved from being entirely exclusive.

Roller coaster of emotions

Having a threesome is an emotional experience. It brings up a lot feelings, some that are good and some that would make the experience more enjoyable if they did not occur. From an early age we are taught to identify feelings and how to handle them. Rarely we learn feelings are neither good or bad.  Instead we analyze them and determine their classification. In my opinion, feelings you may feel may not be remorse but it maybe a combination of feelings.

You said what?

Having a threesome or cuckold may not always be a good idea. I have never met the perfect couple and I believe every couple has issues that needs addressing. The extent to which an issue can negatively influence cuckolding or threesome experience, I believe, depends to a great extent on the communication skills of a couple. If a couple is supportive and works towards solution rather engaging in a death match for power in the relationship then I believe an issue will not adversely impact them.  However, if a couple prefers conflict over finding a solution then it is possible that an underlying issue can become an issue much faster with a threesome than if chose to avoid it. Remorse may eveolve from feeling pushed into a having a threesome or cuckold because the individual was not clear about their needs.

Do not go there: ‘Talk to the hand’

IMG_8431

As human beings we have developed systems of communication and the longer a couple is together they develop their own language. As a result, assumptions get made and sometimes those assumptions are not clear. In a threesome situation, having boundaries provides a way for communicating by establishing trust by letting everyone know the limits of threesome and they facilitate communication by providing an avenue for discussion they serve as a way of safeguarding feelings. Sometimes boundaries get crossed, get missed, or a couple has a threesome without understanding what they are undertaking. In this type of situation remorse may come from realizing boundaries were too liberal or not being clear.

Getting Over Remorse

1) Who is it to blame?

Certainly there must be someone to blame for the way you feel? Why else do you feel this way?

Blaming your spouse, the invited third person or drinking too much for what happen is not an option. In order to move beyond feeling remorse it is important to realize your responsibility, accept your decision and accept your role. By blaming people or events will not solve the issue. It will only ingrain the issue and allow your feelings to fester that will lead to problems later. Best way to move beyond feeling remorse is to accept your decision and accept the result.

2) Time heals all wounds

Having a threesome will create strong feelings. Knowing that they can develop and effectively dealing with them, is key in having a successful threesome. If you are the invited single person it may be you have feelings for someone from the couple. In a cuckolding situation remorse may come from having an experience that very couples have and feeling remorse because you have gone society’s idea of relationship. Maybe you are a part of the a couple that had a threesome and feel remorse over sharing your spouse with someone else.

Impulsively acting on feelings of remorse is risky. Having been through this experience I know feelings can last for weeks afterwards and acting on them can be destructive. If it is possible, give your feelings a chance to work themselves out and give yourself time before making any decisions. Remember feelings will change with time and what you feel now may not be what you feel later.

3) Is the glass half-empty?

Changing perception helps. The event has occurred. There is no way to reverse time. However you can change the way you view the event. Instead of looking for blame or seeing it the relationship no longer being monogamous. See it for what is, an intimate experience the two of you shared with someone else. Look for the positive in the experience. It could the enjoyment your received from watching your spouse / partner enjoy themselves. Maybe it is a gift you can them to break the shackles of a society defined relationship and to enjoy themselves. Or maybe the two of you made a great friend. Whatever the positive there is in the experience focus on it.

4) Hindsight use it

Before reacting take time to review the events. Also take time to review what you are feeling and how those feelings evolved. During the review do not look for blame but look to understand what brought the feelings to the surface. Understanding how they evolved is important as it will help you to understand your next step.

5) Speak with your forgotten friend, your spouse

Immediately after the threesome take time to discuss with your spouse / partner the experience. Take time to discuss feelings, what went right, and what needs improving. Do not make any decisions but begin talking. Over the next days and weeks take more time to discuss the events. As time passes you will begin to discover feelings and more about your relationship. Take time to share with your spouse / partner. The more the two of you discuss the more likely any adverse feeling will be temporary.

updated6) Opportunity a new beginning

This should not be immediately done after the threesome. Instead take time to allow feelings to resolve and take time to discuss with your partner.  If you are the invited person allow time to pass. Everything is temporary and you will begin see having the threesome or cuckold from a different perspective. In a few days, probably a few weeks, some success will be seen and some improvement too. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Secret: How to Get Over Remorse

Getting over remorse is simple. All that is required is changing your perspective. Changing your perspective is simple by accepting your responsibility for making the decision and accepting you have the power over your feelings. By using this approach, not reacting, and allowing time to heal then conquering remorse is possible.

 

 

Other articles of interest

5 Laws for Boundaries

Mixed Signals: What do they mean?

Am I ready for a threesome

Easing into Cuckolding or Swinging

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

Threesome stages

Threesome Terminology

Defining Cheating

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10 things you should know about having a threesome but were afraid to ask


20130714_173035-1Introduction

Over the last few years I have seen progress being made regarding the acceptance of threesomes but we still have a long ways to go before it is accepted as mainstream. There are still a lot of couples who approach having a threesome with very little knowledge and not sure what is involved. Below are a few questions regarding threesomes and over the coming weeks I plan to add more to it.

1) They show interest in having a threesome in the bedroom, does it mean they will agree to have a threesome?

No. Saying you want a threesome during foreplay, during sex, or immediately afterwards is no indication of there interest. Why?

From the start of foreplay our resistance to suggestions lowers because of the state of arousal and the closeness we feel to our partner. As arousal increases resistance further decreases and using of fantasies to further increase arousal continues until climax. After climaxing there is a period time the euphoria from sex continues and this, I believe, allows bonding to occur.

Once sex ends we continue with our daily lives and face the challenges it presents to us. Essentially when interest in having a threesome is expressed it about the fantasy not reality.

2) They have said they will agree to a mfm threesome if I agree to a fmf threesome. Should I agree?

No. Quid-pro-quo, sometimes referred to as ‘something for something’ is a risky situation that requires a lot of trust and very detailed knowledge of your partner. A downfall of this type of agreement occurs after the first threesome and the other does not want to have another threesome. Many times this leads to hurt feelings and conflict in the relationship because there is a feeling of violation of a trust that exists.

A better solution is reaching an agreement on having a threesome then after the first threesome experience evaluating it to determine if it is possible to have another. If it is possible to have another threesome then discuss needs and desires.

3) Should I find someone and surprise them with a threesome?

Again the answer is no. Surprise threesomes rarely work and in most cases they can be quite embarrassing because cues were misread. Instead obtain your partner’s / spouse’s agreement about searching for a threesome for them on your own.

4) They have said no to a threesome. What Should I do?

If someone says no to you, what do you do? In most cases we either ask for feedback or forget about it. Asking for a threesome is the same. If you decide it is not worth pursuing then that is a choice. However, if you ask for feedback there is a few reasons why and sometimes your spouse / partner may not share it. A few of the reasons might include:

  • Wrong approach used
  • Goes against their beliefs
  • Timing was wrong
  • Misread cues from your partner
  • They may be open to the idea but your suggestion was no in line with what they were expecting / wanting
  • It is something they need to consider
  • Not enough trust due to length of relationship or ongoing relationship issues
  • Underlining relationship issues
  • View it as cheating
  • Afraid to be with someone else because of their limited sexual experiences

Should you choose to ask for feedback it will help you gauge the next step and it will help with communication in the relationship. If a conversation about having a threesome can begin then it is possible that sometime in the future it might occur.

5) How Can I convince them to have a threesome?

There are web sites that claim you convince your spouse / partner to have a threesome but I believe there is no method that will convince them. At the heart of the matter, they must want to have a threesome and if they firmly oppose having a threesome then it is unlikely they will ever agree to have one.

The one thing that you have is time. Time changes everything. Initially may be resistant to the idea but over time their resistance softens. Another weapon in your arsenal is behavior. Relationship security can be a big hurdle for a threesome. Changing they way you relate to your partner and making time for them may be all that is needed. This means convincing them is more about being supportive and providing a channel for discussion than employing a technique to magically get them to agree.

6) They have said yes to the having a threesome, what is our next step?

There are two steps that need to occur almost simultaneously. First step is setting boundaries, which is discussed later in this article. Second is finding the third person. Once discussion on boundaries begins finding the third person should occur. Finding the third person should be a joint effort because it will require each of you agreeing to the choice. How the searching is done is your decision. Once you find them it is important to do some screening and asking them questions. Finally during this time it is important to review boundaries, discuss feelings, and discuss comfort level to ensure no issues that can hurt the relationship arise.

7) Do we need boundaries?

Yes. Boundaries build trust that allows the threesome to occur. They reduce the chance hurt feelings or arguments arise. Some will say they do not need boundaries because they want their partner to choose what they want to experience only to find later they did not consider ‘X’ will happen. Boundaries do not need to be complex and they do not need to be detailed. Instead can be a few rules that everyone has the same understanding that define the threesome.

There are three types of boundaries that need discussing. First, relationship boundaries. Relationship boundaries relate to how the relationship will handle having a threesome. In my situation our relationship boundary regards not using the experience against the other. Meaning, it is a mutual decision that we both make and will not blame the other.

Second type of boundary are threesome boundaries. These will be boundaries that relate to the threesome and will change a In the beginning they should be basic and be specific. While avoiding having too many or boundaries that conflict.

Third type of boundary are implied boundaries. Implied related to expectations, acceptable acts, and acts in the threesome that are off limits. They are implied because it will impossible to go through every possible scenario and impossible to comprehend every possible scenario. Therefore assumptions must be made and if there is going to be an argument regarding boundaries then there is a good chance this will be the type of boundary causing the conflict.

8) How do we find someone that is interested?

Finding a woman interested in a threesome can be a bit challenging, especially if you are looking for a single straight female. However if you are looking for a male the time needed is much shorter. With the boom in mobile and cellular phones finding someone for a threesome is becoming easier. There are applications for your phone and tablet. Websites that focus on threesomes, foursomes, and dating. Also there are swingers clubs, munches, and other similar type of activities that occur in public. Finally if you are open to the experience sometimes finding someone can occur at the most unlikely places.

9) What is it like watching them having sex?

The two of you can discuss feelings, signal for discomfort, and how it might impact the both of you; however until it happens no one will have an idea. For some it is the most erotic experience. Watching someone else pleasing their partner as they participate. Others it is quite possibly the worst experience of their life. Most likely it will fall somewhere in between the two extremes.

If the two of you communicate and have a good relationship then it is reasonable to expect some fear along with a lot of excitement. Should this be your first experience then you may have issues with being comfortable communicating in all situations. This may mean letting the invited person know how they can help increase your enjoyment may be difficult thereby not being able to get the most from the experience.

10) Can you enjoy sloppy seconds in a threesome?

Yes. If you are participating and you all the invited male to have sex with your wife / girlfriend first. Be aware she might be a bit uncomfortable and may want you to only to have sex with her. Talk with her before the threesome. Then watch her reaction and listen for cues regarding her comfort level.

Other articles of interest

Easing into Cuckolding or Swinging

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

Using quid-pro-quo as a negotiating position for a threesome

Questions for the third person

Threesome stages

Threesome Terminology

Defining Cheating

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10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask


cuckolding guideIntroduction:

Cuckolding is a taboo subject that is rarely discussed publicly. Instead it is left for porn, opinionated talk show hosts, evening news stations during sweeps week and romance novels that create a seedy view of the subject. From the seedy image created couples become too afraid to discuss it only to find when the subject is brought up it triggers a strong emotional reaction. If a couple decide to pursue cuckolding many times the have to ‘feel their way in the dark’ and hope they have made the right decision. Sometimes the decision may be wrong putting her at risk and their relationship. The answers below is not a panacea for bringing the discussion of cuckolding ‘out of the closet’ but it is a starting point for couples wanting basic information of the cuckolding experience.

1) How should I bring up the idea?

Bringing up the idea of cuckolding can be very daunting, especially if not much discussion about the idea has previously occurred. Before bringing up the idea many different scenarios of how to bring up the idea and the possible reactions of your partner / spouse may occur. The scenarios may strike fear that prevents the subject form being discussed.

It is important to realize playing the scenarios is a protective mechanism to ensure there is not an impulsive rush to discuss the topic that can cause damage to the relationship and to work through the best way to bring up the subject. Likewise there is a chance having the scenarios play in your mind may also be based on anxiety, a fear of bringing up the subject and this is fine because you may not be ready. Once you bring up the subject your relationship will forever change and do not bring it up until you are ready.

When you are ready there is no generally accepted way of bringing up the idea. The best bay to bring it up, this author believes, is from a loving way that shows respect. This means:

  • Listening to your spouse / partner has to say
  • Not arguing
  • Not belittling them because they do not agree with you
  • Letting them know you care for them
  • Letting them know the suggestion of cuckolding has nothing to do with being bored with them
  • Choosing words your spouse / partner can relate to
  • Avoiding emotive words that provoke strong negative emotional reactions
  • Understanding why you want to a cuckolding experience
  • Positives can come from the experience
  • Risks to the relationship & how those risks will be handled
  • Having more than one discussion to work though the issues

2) How is cuckolding similar to a threesome?

Cuckolding and having a threesome are similar in two ways. First, when searching online cuckolding tends to get clumped with threesomes under categories such as: threesomes, wife sharing, swinging, or group sex. This is because fewer couples opt for cuckolding than threesomes and two activities share some basic characteristics. If you are online there are a few hallmarks that indicate a cuckolding rather than threesome is being sought. Typically this will include couples who want the primary male to watch or wife wants to play alone.

Second similarity there are three people involved but the extent to which the two males interact varies a lot. In some situations there may be a hybrid threesome where the couple will have a threesome with the invited male and sometimes the woman will meet the invited male without her husband / partner being present. Other scenarios the two males never meet and know very little about each other.

Third similarity, is what this author terms, couples cuckolding. Couples cuckolding is a hybrid of cuckolding and having a threesome. In a couples cuckolding scenario the cuckolding experience is short-term without the woman becoming emotionally involved with the other male. The cuckolding experience is done for the couple to allow them to experience something a completely monogamous relationship cannot provide but still remain emotionally monogamous to each other.

3) How does cuckolding differ from having a threesome?

One the surface cuckolding and having a threesome can seem to be quite similar. Imagine comparing a green apple to a golden delicious. Both are apples but it is not until analyzing the apples that the differences are known. For example you can eat a green apple but it is primarily for baking. Whereas the golden delicious is more suited for eating or making apple sauce because of its higher water content.  The same holds true when comparing a threesome to cuckolding. It is not until digging deeper into the structure of the two that the differences becomes obvious.

The biggest noticeable difference is in the structure. Having a threesome is best described as a team activity, like baseball or European football. Whereby the experience is shared. Success is dependent on each person executing their roles and the communication that occurs. Whereas cuckolding is more like an individual activity like karate, marathon running, or tennis. Cuckolding requires the woman to define for herself what she wants and needs then do it.  For her to have a successful experience it depends more on the support she receives than team effort.

Following closely with structure many pure cuckolding incorporates some form of BDSM. Typically it will be some form of small penis humiliation or some form of domination whereby sex gets withheld for a time. The extent to which this is incorporated and the extent to which, the practice bleeds into the couple’s daily life varies greatly. It can be said, for a limited number of couples, the line between cuckolding and daily life becomes blurred.

Another aspect that closely relating to structure is time needed. Having a threesome only requires everyone being comfortable enough with each other for sex to occur and for it to be physically enjoyable. Whereas cuckolding, in most circumstances, involves emotional attachment and this typically involves more vetting.

4) Is cuckolding the same as an open relationship?

This author believes is a form of an open relationship. Whereby the man remains monogamous, in most situations, and the woman forms a long-term emotional relationship with another man / other men. By definition it is not a true open relationship but a variation of it.

5) What type of boundaries should we have?

Boundaries are meant to protect the relationship and to protect the person. It is a way of mitigating a potentially emotionally damaging experience and increasing the chance it becomes an emotionally positive experience. This does not mean boundaries are ‘set in stone.’ but become something change with experience. By not having boundaries can put her at risk and put your relationship at risk too. As we have seen earlier cuckolding is not the same as having a threesome and having similar boundaries will not work.

Boundaries should be based on emotional need, physical need, and safety. As a result boundaries are unique to the couple and their situation, which means providing universal boundaries are difficult. Examples of potential cuckolding boundaries might include:

  • Meeting any potential partners for her
  • Discussing the experience
  • No overnight stays
  • When to text message or call
  • Frequency of meeting
  • Safe-sex
  • Agreeing cuckolding is a mutual decision whereby she may form an emotional attachment to another man
  • When to discuss experience

6) Where can I find a ‘bull’ or someone suitable?

Finding someone can happen anywhere such as the guy standing in front of you checking out at the grocery store or the car wash attendant. It depends on the type of man being sought and the need for privacy. There are a lot of dating web sites and affair related web site that cater to this type of activity. Since they are many and we are not paid to advertise them, this author is not going to list them. Also, swingers clubs can offer opportunities and off-premise events, where no sex occurs, sometimes called munches offer other opportunities.

Regardless of where you search the more important aspect is finding someone who is compatible and this can take some work. This will need some questioning and investment of time before agreeing to anything.

7) What changes may occur in our relationship?

Anytime when you introduce a third into the your relationship it will cause it to change. Typically you may find:

  • Before a ‘date’ she becomes distant
  • She may take time to prepare
  • Sex may become less
  • May become uncomfortable talking about her experiences
  • You may find feeling fearful or anxious
  • Your sex drive may increase or decrease
  • You may find experiencing a plethora of emotions that feel like a roller coaster
  • Conflict may increase over her dates, conflict may increase over feelings of relationship security, or other issues

8) Should they go alone on their first date?

Going to your first date alone is a decision you / she will have to make depending on the situation, the relationship, and all of the dynamics involved. However, from a personal protection standpoint it may be a good idea. Bringing him with helps with a few things:

  • Provides a buffer. If after speaking with the other man on the phone they are not suitable then having your spouse / partner there can help making leaving easier.
  • It lets the other male know this is being done in the open and he does not have to worry about a jealous husband / partner.
  • By bring him with it will help him put a name with a face. This should help ease some concerns he has.
  • It also helps give a second opinion about the suitability of the invited man.
  • It might help safety since your spouse / partner will know what he looks like.

If during the meeting things work out with the invited male then your spouse / husband can leave to leave you alone.

9) Cuckolding experience expectations ?

If you are expecting a scene from a romance novel where your lover sweeps you off of your feet from your husband / spouse or if you envision a scene from a movie where he is ripping off your clothes then maybe your expectations are a bit too high. We all have expectations that are not met then we feel disappointed and cuckolding is no different. Keep your expectations realistic instead of media based. Remember you are dealing with two other people who have feelings, expectations, and needs that sometimes conflict. Being able to resolve those conflicts will be vital for an enjoyable experience. The best way to set expectations is to ask yourself, what do you hope to get from the experience and then find someone who can meet them while communicating to your spouse / partner is the best way. Only by communicating and problem solving will you be able to achieve your needs.

10) Should I let my husband enjoy sloppy seconds?

Depending on the situation and boundaries sloppy seconds may become a part of the equation. Sloppy seconds is a sign to your husband / partner that you have had sex outside of your relationship with them depending on how confident they are they may either enjoy it or become upset. For the right couple it can be something that is shared between them that binds the.

Especially when just starting, there maybe feelings of remorse or guilt over having the experience. It can make sharing sloppy seconds difficult and be seen as a sign of shame. The reality is there is nothing wrong with sloppy seconds and it is something that should be viewed positively.

Finally

Cuckolding like getting out of bed, crossing the street, and driving to work carries risk. Living a risk-free life is not possible and if we could then I suspect life would become boring. Risk is something that can make life interest and motivating. However it can cause a lot of pain and heartache too. The above is meant as a guide to help couples who are considering cuckolding to help mitigate their risk and begin ‘opening the door’ on the subject. When it comes to cuckolding there are no right answer. Nonetheless by taking your time, discussing the subject and trusting each other then the answer for you, as a couple, will be found.

Other Articles of Interest

Cuckolding Beginners Guide for Her: Surviving the First Date

Cuckolding Beginners Guide: Enjoying Sloppy Seconds

Couples Cuckolding

Universal Boundaries

FAQs Regarding Boundaries

5 Laws for Establishing Boundaries

Cuckolding Relationship

Easing into Cuckolding or Threesome

8 Cuckolding Secrets Every Couple Should Know

Watching My Wife Having Sex with Another Man

Cuckolding and the Power Sloppy Seconds

Debunking Cuckold Myths

Defining Monogamy

Finding the Balance

Threesome Terminology

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