Fantasy versus Reality Part 3 – The Heat of The Moment, Surprise Threesomes and Threesome Planning

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Heat of the moment decisions can wreck a threesome?

Using a threesome fantasy during foreplay, “I can feel his cock going deep in me… harder … harder,” before she explodes with the most intense orgasm seen. Her intense orgasm fuels an indescribable pleasure that has not been previously experienced.  Now, there is an urgency to recreate that experience in reality because you want to please her.

Next, you spend time working through how to recreate the experience and you decide her intense orgasm is her consent to have a threesome. If she was not into threesomes then why did she have such an intense orgasm, thinking to yourself? In order to recreate the experience, you feel, it has to be spontaneous and discussing it would take away from the experience. The next few weeks you spend working through the details and finding someone who is agreeable. However on the night of threesome instead of her being aroused by the surprise threesome, she appears like a deer at night on a dark rural road. What went wrong?

It is easy when being intimate to focus on providing pleasure instead of focusing on their needs and during this special time it is acceptable. However once that time passes balancing needs and pleasure returns Granted needs and pleasure can be the same but at other times they can be different. Pleasure is great way to have enjoyment and have an escape from daily life; however, too much pleasure without also focusing on needs can lead to it no longer being pleasurable.  This means when having a threesome communication, trust, and respect are just as important as the pleasure a threesome can provide. Moreover when a surprise threesome occurs, it means pleasure has been given priority over needs.

Is there a time when a surprise threesome could work? Probably, if previous discussions about having a threesome included topics such as boundaries and some discussion about having a surprise threesome along with your partner being explicitly clear that they are willing to allow you to arrange a threesome without involving them then it is possible a surprise threesome might work. Nonetheless, it is advisable speaking with your partner confirming they are still all right with the threesome idea.

Instead, it is better to talk through the idea of having a threesome outside of the bedroom, not being intimate, and have the time to discuss the idea thoroughly. This author feels it is better to discuss it then risk having all of your plans explode in front of you.

Finally, it is easy to mistake what happens “in the heat of the moment,” as a wish for the same in reality. The reality is there is a difference between what is said during this time and your partner’s feelings afterwards. It is always better to discuss then to assume you understand your partner’s needs when it involves having a threesome.

Building up a relationship

Emotional Relationship Symbols in a Genogram

Consider for a moment you want to bring up the idea of having a threesome and want to have a good chance at success. One option is being bold by unexpectedly bringing up the idea. This approach has a 50 / 50 chance of being successful and it done at a time when your partner least expects it thereby catching them unprepared. If your partner is not assertive and agrees to the threesome then it could lead to feelings of remorse afterwards. Feeling remorse about a bad decision is never good for the survivability of a relationship. However there is another approach that may increase the chance of obtaining agreement and that approach involves building up your relationship before having the initial discussion.

The purpose of this technique is to build trust and build a sense of security in the relationship. It goes without saying building up your relationship is not a technique to manipulate your partner into having a threesome and if you not are sincere about building up your relationship in preparation for a threesome then there is a good chance you partner will discover your insincerity. Should you be insincere about your desire to improve your relationship and it is discovered it could adversely impact it. Therefore, in order to use this technique successfully it requires a sincere desire to improve your relationship with your partner and accept even though your partner may feel more secure in their relationship with you that it does not guarantee a threesome.

The starting point, understand there are two components. The first component regards removing issues that brings up conflict. A lot of time it comes down to how we are perceived and how we handle conflict. If for example, every time you bring up an issue and you start the conversation with, “there is something that I need to talk to you about,” it flags the conversation that they have done something that displeases you thereby getting them on the defensive before you say your first word. Instead try something different, such as saying something positive or give them a compliment. Saying something positive or nice can sometimes change the tone of the conversation.

On the surface the above may not seem important. However, this has a lot do with approaching the conversation regarding having a threesome. If there are trigger words or words that can invoke an emotional response then finding ways to remove those triggers becomes paramount preparation in having the initial discussion. By keeping those barriers, it makes it less likely that a productive discussion about having a threesome can occur.

Another aspect of removing conflict is working through issues that can cause problems. In a threesome situation jealousy and control are two issues in a relationship that can influence a threesome. Having a threesome means putting aside feelings in order to allow the threesome to occur and it means being able to allow things to happen without being too prescriptive. In this context it is important to learn how to “let-go” while being assertive and essentially this means making changes within ourselves to allow a threesome to happen.

Finally giving a compliment or doing something that is unexpected can have a positive impact. This can be anything from saying, “you look nice today,” to bringing home a dozen roses, or planning an impromptu dinner out. By doing this it can show how important your partner is to you.

Second part involves finding ways to connect. Working, caring for kids, activities and managing a household finding time as a couple is difficult. Without having enough time to connect, as a couple, it makes it difficult to feel secure in the relationship and bringing up suggestions like a threesome can be met with suspicion. Finding ways to connect does not always mean having a date night or sending the kids to the grandparents for the weekend. Instead it could be buying your partner flowers, having dinner together after the kids go to bed, having a conversation, or watching a movie. It means finding those opportunities, regardless of small they may be, in order to connect.

This means building up the relationship involves finding ways to remove the barriers to communication and letting your partner know how special they are to you. Also, it means it is a continuous process that occurs throughout the life of the relationship and it is not done solely to convince your partner to have a threesome. Finally it means resolving the outstanding issues and making changes within ourselves in order to increase the chance a threesome will occur. Regardless if you have a threesome and regardless your reason building up a relationship, this is something that should occur in every relationship to ensure that each person is happy.

Taking one for the team – A brief introduction


Fendi06 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Imagine your partner and you meet a potential third person. Your partner really seem to “hit it off” with them and your partner like this makes you feel happy. However, at the same time your attraction to the third person is like your attraction to a cold dead fish.

Now, imagine your partner wanting to have a threesome and you having ambivalent feelings about the threesome.

What do you do? Do you agree to go ahead with the threesome in order to please your partner? Alternatively do you say no, in order to preserve some self-worth and to protect your sense well-being?

“Taking one for the team,” agreeing to have a threesome in order to please your partner, is never an easy decision. It can create allot of mixed feelings and confusion. It can also lead to resentment afterward. Much of the decision comes down to balancing your needs against the needs of your partner and the relationship.  Normally the rule of thumb is if you do not feel an attraction towards the third person then the threesome should not go forward. In order for a threesome to work, this author believes, all three must have some attraction for each other. Without having an attraction then sex becomes mechanical and lacks enjoyment. However, being in relationship it is not always easy and sometimes giving priority to your partner’s needs becomes a forefront concern. This means sometimes sacrifices are made in order to make our partner happy. In those cases the question becomes, can you accept the decision to go forward with the threesome without remorse and accept responsibility for your decision? If you can then it may be worth considering having the threesome.  Otherwise then having a threesome may not be the best idea.

Why do we choose full-swap threesomes?

Dessins de Martin van Maele.

Threesomes and group sex have been around since the beginning of time. During the Dark Ages the liberal attitude towards sex was replaced with a drive towards monogamy. Arguably a part of the drive towards monogamy was ensuring the survival of the human race by limiting the number of females that could be impregnated by the same male. Thereby limiting the effects of genetic mutations in the gene pool and providing an increase in gene pool diversity. That drive to keep monogamous practices continues today and makes the world of non-monogamous practices misunderstood. However during WWII things began to change and by the late 60s threesomes along with other group sex practices began attracting attention. It was not until recently television shows and movies are now willing to tackle the topic of threesomes in a more balanced approached. Threesomes are growing in popularity and it brings up the question why do some people migrate towards threesomes?

Before going on it is important to define full-swap threesome. For this article threesome and full-swap threesome means the same. It means three people come together for enjoying the physical aspects of sex and without the emotional attachments that go with it. This means other practices such as cuckolding, open relationships, and soft-swinging are not included as a part of the discussion.

It is this author’s opinion for couple’s the answer can be summed up in one word, relationship. A couple may see a threesome as a way to cure their relationship by adding ‘spice’ to it and ending the mere existence each feel. By adding ‘spice’ some couples feel they will learn to appreciate each other again and rediscover their reason for loving each other. While others feel by adding some ‘spice’ it will keep their partner monogamous and show their partner that they can be sexually adventurous.

Another reason a couple may migrate towards a threesome is based on power in the relationship. In some relationships the power may be held by one person and they may use it to bring about a threesome through pressure, manipulation, or coercion.  Likewise the person who may not hold the power may suggest it as a way to appease their partner or suggest it as way to validate themselves through another person.

Third reason stems from growing the relationship. This may occur in one of two ways. First way it is something the couple may want to do as a way to explore their boundaries.  Essentially, wanting a threesome comes from an organic growth within the relationship whereby trust and communication flourish. Such conditions may lead some couples to push the limits of their relationship to explore other possibility while feeling secure in their relationship. If done successfully it may bring a couple closer together.

Second possible reason, it may be a strategy to strengthen the relationship the long-term by allowing the occasional threesome. Such a strategy allows the couple to invite a third person to enjoy while keeping their relationship intact. In this situation the relationship is maintained by sharing something together.

This brings the author to the side other of the discussion, the single person. For the single person, especially a man, unless their partner is into having a threesome then maintaining a relationship while having a threesome does not typically work. This means there may be other reasons such as the ability to have sex without the issues that goes along with having a relationship. While for others it could be fulfilling a fantasy or being able to have intimacy with individuals of both genders. Moreover this can mean a single person migrates towards having a threesome because it fulfills some need in their life.

When the couple meets the single person it means they are approaching the threesome from two different perspectives, relationship versus need. By having two different perspectives it means information can be lost and misunderstanding can occur. If the threesome will happen then both need to find a common ground in order to meet their competing needs.

Lastly, I am interested in knowing your feelings why people choose full-swap threesomes? Maybe you have ideas as to why threesomes appear being more mainstream?