Why does my husband or boyfriend want a fmf but not mfm?

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Imagine for a moment where life ran by predictable logical rules and now imagine having a threesome was a way for three people to have sex without the complications. What would it be like? Would it be more enjoyable or less enjoyable? The reason for imaging such a world is thinking about a question that comes up, how come my boyfriend / husband alright with a two woman threesome but not a two male threesome?

A simple response to the question is human behavior is unpredictable and does not always follow rules regarding behavior. In reality, this author feels such an answer avoids the reasons for the behavior and this article will explore some possible reasons. By writing this, it is this author’s hope that it can help couples explore this topic.

Homophobic: It goes without saying for some guys being naked with another man creates some insecurities about their sexuality and in particular, some guys feel even though there is no contact with the other male it will mean they are bisexual. For some males this creates a lot of insecurity and challenges their belief about themselves. If they have a two female threesome then it will validate that they are heterosexual and confirm their desirability.

Insecurity: Even though times are changing and roles for males are being redefined, this feels there are still some males who feel they are to be providers. This goes as far as being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend. If another male another male is able to this then it means they are not needed. Facing the reality that another male being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend means they are not able to do something unique for their partner and for some males it can create feelings of insecurity for some males.

Fantasy versus Reality: For some males the idea of having a threesome can be quite an intense fantasy and initially they may be quite eager to have the threesome. However, as they get further into the process and begin to face the reality of having a threesome they may pull back from wanting it. This author believes when some males are confronted with watching their wife / partner having sex with someone else and / or realizing the issues it can create for their relationship it begins challenging their fantasy of having a threesome, thereby making it less appealing.

Emotions/ Jealousy / Anger: For some males they have strong feelings and the feelings can be so strong that they adversely impact having a threesome thereby making a threesome not realistic.

Society’s Messaging / Sexual Roles:  This author feels this reason closely relates to issue of homophobia. This author feels, society still rewards males who are able to attract more than one female and values a male who is able to have a two female threesome. Essentially for some males pursuing a two female threesome becomes a trophy or a confirmation of their masculinity by being able to have an experience that many males cannot.

Threat / Loss of relationship: This author will not argue that there is something primal that forces some males to protect their relationship with their wife / partner at all costs. Instead this author feels the threat of losing the relationship or inviting another male might threaten the relationship. Whereas if another woman is invited it is their partner that has to deal with the threat.

Bad / Previous Experience: He may have had a previous threesome experience and decided that a threesome is not for him.

Not Interested: There are some males who may not be interested in having a two male threesome due to personal or religious reasons.

Adding ‘Spice’ or Variety: I do not necessarily believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a two woman threesome. However, it may sought after as a way of trying something different to add variety to a relationship. If the relationship has become ‘predictable’ or ‘stale’ then trying a threesome may make things worse.

Already Involved: This author does not believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a threesome if he already has someone in mind. By suggesting someone with whom he is involved with will mean he will be revealing a secret that he trying to hide and it the threesome will involve a lot of drama. Most likely if he has someone in mind that would like to invite, a fantasy person.

… And Finally: With that said, this author feels each one does not operate in isolation and there is potentially some overlap between the reasons. This means there can be multiple reasons or several reasons influencing the male’s reaction towards having a two male threesome versus having a two female threesome. If there is a solution my feeling it would reside in giving him time along with making him feel secure that the relationship could survive a two male threesome. This does not mean he will ultimately agree to have one. Nonetheless it does mean there are potential reasons for him not wanting it and provide some solace in understanding.

12 thoughts on “Why does my husband or boyfriend want a fmf but not mfm?

  1. Being a guy in a MFM situation calls for the man to either be totally fearless about any M/M contact (and very confident about the status of his relationship)… or be happily bisexual even though this doesn’t mean him and the other guy are going to do anything with each other; this just means that any accidental contact isn’t going to freak him out.

    I think some men lose ‘focus’ when it comes to MFM; she’s not asking for one as a means to humiliate or replace her man – she’s asking for one because she simply wants the pleasure two men can bring to the table. Thus, it helps to approach this as being about her and not him because if he’s taken the responsibility for her pleasure, then I feel he must do whatever is necessary to make her happy in this… or there might be issues down the road.

    And, really, if she’s willing to participate in an FMF for you – and she’s not bisexual – then returning the favor is the very least you can do so my first words to a guy balking at giving her a MFM is for him to grow up and get over himself – this ain’t that big of a deal and more so if you’ve truly dedicated your life to making – and keeping – her happy in all things.

  2. The Professor that I am seeing has had LOTS of MFM threesomes, with other men’s wives. Yet, he says he won’t ever have one with me. So he is okay being the “other guy” but he is not okay with sharing me with another guy in a threesome like that. :p Makes me a little jealous because it’s like you will do this for another woman but not for me? Yet I kinda like the fact that he’s emotionally into me enough that it makes it hard for him to want to share because that shows I’m special to him. So its like a double edged sword (heh, lol).

    He says its different because he only goes along with the MFM just to get to the woman. He’s not cool with being the one sharing I guess. Seems like a bit of an ego thing. I mean, he’s even had threesomes that included double vaginal penetration, though he says he’s totally straight. So he’s not threatened by the homosexual connotations. He did say once during a threesome a guy started sucking his dick and when he realized that it was the guy he had to tell him to stop because he’s not into that.

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