Threesomes, privacy, and the law


The BDSM Rights Flag, partially loosely based ...

“Throw moderation to the winds, and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains” –  Democritus

One of my favourite online newspapers is the Telegraph in the UK. It tends to be a paper whose viewpoint is moderate. Typically British papers will carry affairs or the occasional well known person going to a swingers club; however, I do not see many articles about BDSM in the British media and when I read this one, it made me think. It made me think about using the internet to share our sexual interest, how alternative sexual practices are misunderstood, and the law.

In this article a man is being prosecuted for engaging in sexual activity in front of a child and possession of extreme pornographic material. The prosecution is the result of a social worker seeing online images of a child with him and a naked woman.

In my opinion, this article serves as a reminder when posting photographs no everyone will view them the same way as you and the need to be vigilant that any threesome photograph shows consenting adults in a legal consenting act. Otherwise, it may lead to criminal prosecution. Likewise, this author believes, this article demonstrates the need to keep a perspective and not become too enmeshed in the lifestyle where that it adversely impacts others.

At least from my perspective, I have to question if this individual did not post pictures on the internet, would he be prosecuted? My belief, he probably would not have and I feel, had he kept a balance in his life then he may not have taken his participation in the BDSM lifestyle too far. Finally I believe this article demonstrates the need to take any sexual practice, like threesome, in moderation without it becoming an obsession and the need to share everything online. If that perspective is lost and having a threesome becomes an obsession then more than likely, negatively consequences will follow.

My Power Over My Husband’s Small Penis


"The celebration [fête] of the Order of C...Using Cuckolding as a Fantasy

This is a well written article, see above, that is not the typical small-penis humiliation cuckold blog post and it is an article that I encourage anyone to read. The author explores the power dynamic of their relationship, that her husband’s small penis has created and how they have addressed it.

While I admit I have not read many of her articles, I do find her approach refreshing since fantasy cuckolding play and using toys seems to be an integral part of their sex life. At least from her writing it seems to have made a positive impact and it is something worth discussing.

For this site, I feel it is a great article and the author presents a side that is quite compatible with a strand that I write about, the use of fantasy for couples who are either unsure about wanting a threesome or not ready to have one. I believe, she provides a lot of insight in how it can be accomplished and how for some couples, it can be fulfilling. In conclusion, I believe, this article and this author has something to offer anyone interested in threesome / group sex and effectively using fantasy in your relationship.

Swinging and Mental Health


Italiano: PTO / Disturbi mentali: Elenco di fr...Positive Aspects of Swinging on relationships

I found this article on Psychology Today’s web site, I thought would share it.

When I first saw the title, I thought to myself this would be another article bashing the swinging lifestyle and portraying those who swing as some type of mental deviant or sexual predator. Oddly to my surprise, this article supports the lifestyle by stating those who swing have less fears, is less jealous and it appears to take a shot at the monogamous lifestyle by painting it as choice that can promote cheating.

While I am glad to read this, the two things this article misses. First research done by other to authors support it points  Instead it is based on observational research that is very difficult to verify. Second the article talks about swinging and monogamy; however it does not define the term. Thereby leaving to reader to question how is each term defined. Is someone who has had a few ‘experiences’ considered by the author to be monogamous or a swinger? This means the article is more of an opinion rather than an article based on empirical research evidence Nonetheless, it is a good article that makes you think.

How do you know if someone is interested?


Deveria16Introduction

How do you know if someone is interested in a threesome? Has there ever been a time you thought someone might be a good choice for a threesome but did not know if you were reading their cue correctly?

The easiest way is to ask them but if you feel there is too much to risk then looking for clues might indicate their receptiveness. Looking for clues about their receptiveness to a threesome is not science and at best it will give you some indication. This means looking for cues will help in determining the probability they are interested and there is room for error, which means you may be wrong. So before asking someone if they are interested in having a threesome, weigh the risks and determine how much of a risk you are willing to take by asking them.

For the rest of the blog this author will discuss some areas to examine. Please note this is done at a very high-level in order to provide a very basic guide. At this point going into a very detailed discussion would involve writing this in multiple parts and defeating the purpose of the very simple guide.

Possible signs of interest

1) Is there flirting occurring?  Some people are very social and quite flirtatious, which means this is not a good indicator. However, if flirting is something is new then it could indicate there is openness to the idea.

2) Also, what is their eye-contact and body language like? Are they being receptive and making eye contact? If they are then it could be a sign they are interested, especially if there are other signs too.

3) How do you feel when they are around you, as a couple?  Do both of you feel comfortable with them? Is there an attraction at some level? Do either of you perceive them as a threat to your relationship? Is there something inside that say, “they are not a good choice,” or makes you feel uncomfortable? If so then you should consider those feelings as they may be an indicator they are not a good choice.

4) How does the potential third person act around the two of you? Do they show a strong preference for one of you? If they do then it could be sign of a potential problem. Do they communicate with the both of you? Meaning, do they show resentment if one of you says something to them or is only one of you able to speak to them? Again, if they are resisting anything that is asked then it could be a sign they are not a good choice for a threesome due to the fact they may not follow requested boundaries.

5) Are they shy, “soft-spoken”, or introverted? Person who is not social and confident may not always state their needs. In a threesome situation discussing needs and feelings is important to avoid injury. Without being comfortable enough to discuss them then there is potential for issues later.

6) How well do you know them? Have you spoken about different sexual practices? Has a discussion about relationships, cheating, and sex occurred? In this author’s opinion you do not need to know everything about their life but knowing about their attitudes can help. In additional, if you know them well then your relationship with them may make being objective difficult.

7) If they have mentioned they have an interest in a threesome, what type of threesome situation do they want and how does it compare to what you want? The greater the difference the more likely it may be a situation that does not work.

8) What is their relationship status? A married individual or someone in a relationship carries a lot of risk. If you select someone who is either married or in a relationship be prepared for issues that come up with them and be prepared to assume the risk their partner may find out. Should you find yourself in a situation where they claim their partner knows then speak face-to-face with their partner before agreeing to anything.

9) What is their tone of voice? Is it warm and friendly? A warm friendly and relaxed tone could indicate they are relaxed with you thereby indicating a possible interest.

10) What is their occupation and education? This is at best a very broad indicator regarding their ability to be detached and their free time. Educated people, very generally speaking, tend to understand choices and can be better at communicating their needs. It can mean, an educated person, is easier to speak with thereby making the decision easier. It can also serve as a very broad indicator for their reason for wanting a threesome (e.g. a business person who travels a lot or senior manager may not have time for a relationship).

11) Have any of you been drinking or doing drugs? Drinking, drugs, and threesomes do not mix. Discussing a threesome when drinking or doing drugs, including cannabis, is a very good sign that the discussion should occur when all of you are sober.

12) Is there indication of issues? If there signs of issues such as:

  • Marital issues
  • Recent death of a close member of the family or friend
  • Major surgery
  • Recent move
  • Any other major life events

these could be signs the interest is more due to the stress of recent events then a true interest in have a threesome.

Finally

Knowing if someone is interested in having a threesome is more of an art than a science. It involves looking for cues and then using those cues to determine if the person might be receptive to the idea of having a threesome. Looking for cues is risky since overlooking cues that indicate that they are not interested is possible. Therefore before asking anyone about joining a threesome, ask yourself what is the risk of asking them and are you prepared to take the risk?

The problem with threesomes


Author makes a good point about finding a threesome and I believe it is worth taking the time to read.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have.

The problem with threesomes.

via The problem with threesomes.

Planning a threesome on your own


Thank you to darkelaina who wanted information regarding planning a threesome on their own, the risks, using an online web site, and other information. This post is based on their questions.

Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

Introduction

Planning a threesome on your own for your partner and yourself is never easy. In some ways it is like planning a surprise threesome but in other ways it is different since you have your partner’s support. The purpose of this article is to address some of the issues, risks, and strategies involved in planning a threesome on your own. It is not meant to be a comprehensive discussion and it is not meant to be a formula to approach it. Instead it is meant to provide an opinion and highlight some issues.

Online Site Navigation:

I do not recommend sites because I feel each individual / couple needs to make the determination based on their needs, rather than relying on recommendations. Also a lot comes down to price, needs, interest, and the interest in your area for threesomes. This makes recommendations difficult since there is so much variability that a recommendation is difficult to make. Nonetheless I will give some general advice to help in the determination.

  • Free is not always better: I do not believe a free site is better and I sometimes feel using a free site may open you up to exploitation, especially if it is a general site rather than a specific site targeting this type of activity.
  • Does the site allow you to try the site before subscribing or does it offer a limited version as free? My own feeling, would encourage a potential customer to try the site before charging them or at least offer a limited version for free.
  • How is the pricing structured? Are you being “nickeled and dime to death?” Meaning are you being charged for every service you use every time you use it? Alternatively is pricing tiered to allow you to select the plan that best fits your needs?
  • How many people are in your area? There some very good free sites in the UK but if you are in the US then they are no use to you since they cater to people in the UK and the wider EU area. Likewise if you are in Mississippi but the site caters to people in the West then it may not be value for money.
  • Are they targeting a niche (e.g. polyamaory, cuckolding, wife-swapping) or is it a general site? If it is a general site and you have specific interest then you may find you will have to either compromise on your interest or spend a lot of time reading through replies to find someone that shares a similar interest. Likewise if you do not have a specific interest and you are using a site that caters to a niche interest then you may find that you are not successful a lot of the time.
  • How easy is the site to navigate? Can you easily move around the site, read profiles, and communicate with other members? If not, then it may not be worth your time?
  • What is the site’s reputation? I do not always put a lot of weight on reviews. From reviews I have written some appear to be written either by the site or someone that is closely connected to it in order to inflate the site’s reputation. Likewise there is always someone out there with “an axe to grind” and will speak negatively about a site regardless of how good it is. Sometimes friends might be a good source about sites if they are into threesomes. Otherwise try to average out the comments to get an idea of what the site is like.
  • What are the terms of service? This will define your agreement with the site, how regularly you will be billed and how for how much. If you are uncertain about any term then contact the site before agreeing to something that may be useless to you.
  • Have you seen that profile before? Sometimes the same people will create multiple accounts in order to get replies from people with various interests. Also, I believe, sometimes sites will create fake accounts in order to drive people to their site and make them look bigger than what they are. If the name is different but the information in the profile is similar to other profiles then most likely it is the same person.
  • What does the profile say? Read the profile closely. It will tell you the type of person they are seeking and something about themselves. If they cannot make time to put in a few sentences about themselves then the question has to be asked how serious are they?
  • Have you created an alias and kept your personal information offline? You do not know who you communicating with and it is important not to put any information online that can identify you or put your / your family at risk.
  • Have you considered your safety and the safety of your family? What plans have you made to keep them safe and you safe?
  • Regarding your profile have you specified the type of person(s) you are searching for, your boundaries, and the extent to which your partner will be participating?

Having sex with one or more people that are unfamiliar

One unfamiliar person

There is no magical formula for this situation and the best I can give is an opinion.

If the threesome involves your partner, yourself and an invited third person then this can be fairly straightforward. Assuming you meet the third person online a little bit of time should be taken to get to know each other. The level of knowledge about each, I believe, depends on the type of threesome being planned. Should this be either a soft-swap or full-swap threesome then very little needs to be known other than having enough information to make a decision if the person is a suitable candidate for a threesome.

After the decision is made to invite them for a threesome, one of two options exist. First option is having a meet and greet, whereby all three meet each but no sex occurs the first time. The time is used to get to know each other more and then make the decision if it is going to progress further.

Second option is allowing sex to occur during the first meeting. This is preferable for couples who have some experience or feel comfortable with the third person

Before the threesome occurs and if it has not already, the couple should discuss issues such as ensuring both of them have the same understanding of their boundaries, how will the time be divided, how attention should be given to the third person and any feelings / issues that have come up. Taking time to do this will help mitigate any potential misunderstanding that may occur.

Once the three come together for the threesome then things should proceed as fast as the person least comfortable. Drugs should not be used, alcohol kept to a minimum, and no one should be pressured into doing anything they do not want to do. Sometimes a slow transition such as playing a game like Twister, strip-poker, or giving a massage might help to transition to the threesome.

As the threesome begins foreplay should not be rushed but enjoyed. In a MFM the female should be in control and should direct the males how she wants to be pleased. The couple should adhere to their boundaries and should not deviate from them. The first time should not try to push limits but instead keep it simple. However, the situation is causing an issue then the threesome should be stopped, with no one becoming upset, and then at a later date decide if it should be retried.

Two unfamiliar males for MFM

Open Relationship

At the surface this would imply if the female was in a relationship and the relationship is an open relationship. In such a situation this would imply either dogging or another group sex activity such as greedy-girl. The risk here is for her safety and it is ideal that her partner is there to watch in order to protect her. This could raise some issues regarding comfort and performance anxiety. However her safety is paramount to any uneasiness or anxiety that may occur.

Ideally some screen should occur either before meeting or before any sexual activity happens. Along with screening some time should be taken to speak with each male before having sex in order to relax and make them more familiar. If at any point anyone becomes uncomfortable then the activity should stop.

Non-open relationship

This can be a very dangerous situation and should be cautiously approached. Ideally the female should let someone know about her whereabouts and plan for her safety. She should avoid using any drugs and avoid any alcohol as it could put her at further risk. Also she should not do this impulsively, such as meeting two men at bar, but should do it in a controlled situation such as a swingers club that does not serve alcohol. Again, take the time to speak with both of them and only do what you are comfortable with.

Issues / Risks / Concerns

In the above section I have talked about using an online site and some of the issues that go along with using them. In this section I am not going to repeat the information above and focus on other aspects.

General

  1. In this author’s opinion this type of planning poses a bigger risk since there is limited input from your partner and much of the planning is based on your preferences. This can lead to the wrong decisions being made, the wrong person being selected, and it can open up a myriad of other issues.

    Mitigation: Keep your partner updated about your progress and ask any questions that you feel is necessary. If you feel your partner my oppose something, is uncomfortable, or might agree to something then do not assume. As an alternative, take the time to update them and ask them about their level of comfort.

  2. Expectations are not clear: Expectations define boundaries and dictate acceptable behavior. Without clear and understandable expectations it is possible misunderstandings occur. In this type of situation misunderstandings happening increase due to the lack of involvement by your significant other.

    Mitigation: Talk about expectations with your partner that covers the whole spectrum from the type of person you will search for to acceptable behavior during the threesome.

  3. Threesome does not go as planned: This may be the result of not discussing the idea to the extent that was needed or unachievable expectations were set. Also feeling such as jealousy

    Mitigation: The more discussions that occur along with some research the more likely realistic expectations can be set. If there are issues regarding insecurity or jealousy then it is important to consider if having a threesome is the right decision

  4. Task seems overwhelming and it is not progressing as expected.

    Mitigation: Talk to your partner about helping out. Try to clarify needs and expectations.

  5. If one person did all of the work then it will go smoother, quicker, and with less issues:

    Mitigation: This author believes the more the work is shared then the greater the chance the planned threesome will be successful

  6. If you are planning to have a threesome without your partner, have you discussed boundaries for the threesome, boundaries about what you will share with them, and safe-sex practices that will be followed?

    Mitigation: Without having discussions about what is being planned along with the limits to discussions and activities for the threesome then it may create a lot of problems later.

  7. I cannot stress this enough, especially if this is going to done alone, safety is the utmost consideration.

    Mitigation: Examine the situation, identify potential risks, and find ways to mitigate those risks. Also, let someone know about your whereabouts if you are going to be participating in a threesome a lone.

Fantasy versus Reality

In my opinion this type of threesome planning can lead some to believe in an erotic story threesome. Whereby a threesome is planned by one person and the two invited males ravish the female in utter delight. Also for the woman it can create the belief that she will be sexually satisfied because there will be two males there to please her, competing against each other for her attention, and she will be at the center of attention. Unfortunately reality is not always like the movies or books. Having a threesome can be quite anxiety provoking for both a man and a woman. However a male publicly shows his anxiety through his inability to maintain an erection and cumming very quickly. Plus having a threesome is fought with emotions and it can make even the most emotionally strongest become emotionally upset.

Another issue becomes planning. For some they may believe allowing one person to plan a threesome is better since it streamlines it. However a lot of input and discussion is lost thereby allowing a threesome to be planned with limited input. This can work in some situations but a lot of the time it lead to something being missed thereby creating issues.

Finally, a threesome regardless of the type, should not be seen as a panacea for problems in the relationship. I do not believe it will fix a relationship and it could make a relationship worse. However if it is a loving and stable relationship then most likely it will not damage it. It might help it by help each the couple appreciate each other and communicate better.

My journey


my threesome journeyIntroduction

Before writing this article I struggled if I should write and if I did, how. Ultimately I decided to write this. The reason for writing this article is to provide an experience to show, having a threesome is not a linear process but a multidimensional process that happens over time. In essence I wanted to share a bit of myself in order to provide some meaning to my writing along with showing not all threesomes play out like they are shown in the media.

Threesome Philosophy

My philosophy regarding threesomes tends to be systems, behavioral, or existential. This means I look for a simpler explanation thereby conflicting a lot with Freud. The reason why I choose to compare my philosophy with Freud instead of Jung, Adler, Maslow, Skinner or Beck is due to a lot of bloggers tend to explain threesome / cuckolding behavior in reference to Freudian theory. The other reason for comparing my philosophy to Freud, I believe a lot of Freud’s work has been misinterpreted in today’s society.

As a author, I tend to discount a lot of what Freud has to say because I feel Freud’s theory is unnecessarily over-complicated and based on observations, not controlled research. Granted he lived at time when scientific principles were still in their infancy thereby forcing Freud to be more philosophical and rely on observation rather than scientific principles. Another reason his theory is overly complicated I believe, is because he lived as a Jew in Europe during WWI and it escaped Nazi Germany to live his remaining years in the US. Essentially he faced a lot of anti-Semitism that impacted his theory, especially his later works. Another reason I believe his theory is overly-complicated is due to his work. His work is based on observations, not scientific principles.

Nonetheless there is one aspect of Freudian theory that I do hold dear to me. That aspect, to bring out the underlying issue the individual should be detached and free of judgement, in essence a “sounding board.” A lot of my writing uses that approach since, I want people to arrive at their own decisions about threesomes without being heavily influenced by my world view. Granted, I use my world view to help me frame my writing but I do my best to keep a balanced perspective.

My Threesome Experience & Current Journey

The experience I have with threesomes comes variety of sources including experiences with my wife, experiences prior to her, and a bit of her threesome experience before meeting me. During a phase in our relationships we were into having threesomes but after a while we pulled back from it. I think a part of it had to do with the novelty of the situation, our previous experiences with threesomes and the stage we were at with our lives. After we pulled back from having threesomes, we moved. Our move had nothing to do with threesomes but instead it was due us wanting to move out of the rural mid-west. As the result of the move, it lowered the priority of having a threesome because we were on our own and had to rely on each other. A few years after our move there were times when we would court the idea of having a threesome and we would take get close finding a third person. Then each time we would make plans she would pull back.

After having major surgery and starting hormone replacement therapy my wife starts the discussion of having a threesome and begins talking about, as it is called on this site, couple’s cuckolding. We have done this previously with a good result and it is something we would like to do again. This discussion is for the time being, become more realistic and has surpassed the threesome discussion. Unlike the other times where the idea is abstract, this time we have started discussing boundaries, risks, when she would have time available; and what ifs. Plus she has started looking with offers from both couples for fmf threesome and single males. She has stated she is not sure if she could be with another woman but the idea tempts her. For some reason I view fmf threesome offer as less risky than the offers from single males. Nothing has happened, yet and she has stated she is not sure if she wants to go through with it. Nonetheless we continue to talk and discuss.

Update 26/09/2013

In the few months since my last post, she has asked about attending a swingers club, what it would be like, and if any are nearby. She also asked about what would she do if anyone knew her, would she be expected to participate, and would she be safe.

I have told her there is one a less than 2 miles from our house. Also, I told her not to expect people to rush up to you and that you have to be sociable. Regarding what it would be like, I explained to her that you would need to be ready to say no and no meant no at the club. Then I told her that you do not have to participate if you do not want to and you can just mingle. Finally I told her not to worry if anyone knew you because what would they say to you, “I saw you at a swingers club?” If they did, I told her, then it would imply they were there too and I told her, I do not believe someone would risk exposing their private life in public.

She told me the idea of me fucking her with another guy turned her on and the whole idea turned her on too. The conversation ended and I emailed her the link to the club for her information.

Since then she has been quiet on the subject and I have not pushed. A few days ago we were sexting and the conversation turned back to couple’s cuckolding. She asked if I thought she would like it and I said, ‘yes.’ I told her doing something taboo and being desired by someone else would be a major turn-on for her. At that point the conversation ended.

On a different point she is asking me to post photos of her on an amateur site in various states of being undressed and does take requests, within reason, for various poses. She tells me it is a bit of a turn on for her because she likes feeling desirable and it gets her aroused. She tells me it has helped her with how she views herself and does not see herself as being fat anymore. When I ask her if she has any interest in meeting anyone from the site she tells me she does not have an interest in meeting anyone from the site, which is fine.

Update 23/10/2013

Nothing new to report as we have been busy with work and family.

08/12/2013

We keep on discussing going to the nearby swingers club but it does not come to fruition.

She made an interesting comment that I am taking more as joke but it did seem to have a bit of a serious element to it. My wife, suggested that I post on this site that she is interested in having a threesome with someone that is well endowed.

25/08/2014

Nothing, has yet come to fruition. Nonetheless there appears to be a few open channels for exploration. She has opened up about wanting someone to ‘finger her’ while she is wearing her skirt. Also she talks about wanting to someone ‘fuck her.’ Talking about having a threesome is done very openly and non-judgmental indicating she has not completely discounted the possibility.  At the moment it is all talk but in the past we have had our threesome experiences. So, I am not going to say it will not happen because only time will tell.

Conclusion

Does this mean it will happen? Not necessarily but it is possible. I think she is exploring the idea and thinking about the risks. Since she appears to be exploring two possible routes, I believe, she is more set on the couple’s cuckolding idea than a threesome. The decision for the ‘Couples Cuckolding’ is her decision provided we can agree on boundaries.

Does anyone know how to move to the next step?