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Threesome communication for couples

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Stages by

Kama Sutra Illustration

Introduction

It is interesting to read through previous works and discover what you had intended did not occur. A while ago I wrote a piece regarding threesome communication. My intention was for it to discuss communication before the threesome occurred but it became a piece about communication during a threesome. Nonetheless, this piece will talk about communication during each aspect of the process. It is important to note this is not meant to be a treatise on the subject nor is it meant to be a comprehensive discussion, instead it is meant to be an opinion piece regarding the level of communication needed to have a threesome.

What is meant by threesome communication?

Threesome communication is essentially the discussion that occur through the process. It involves discussing a subject that most couples do not discuss and the ability to discuss the subject in a loving way. It means discussing issues like:

  • Risk of STI / STD
  • Risk of pregnancy
  • Safe-sex practices
  • Reason for wanting to have a threesome
  • What do you expect from having a threesome
  • How you expect having a threesome will impact the relationship
  • The potential impact of having a threesome on the relationship
  • What if …
  • Defining boundaries regarding the threesome for the relationship
  • Defining boundaries for the threesome
  • Feeling associated with watching your partner having sex with someone else / having sex with someone else in front of your partner
  • How to split attention
  • Type of person being sought
  • Acceptable activities in the threesome
  • Off-limit activities in the threesome
  • Feelings about having the threesome
  • Feelings about having the threesome after it occurred
  • What went right
  • What could have gone better
  • Any issues regarding sexuality
  • Role the third person will have
  • Role each person will have
  • Other issues

Some of these may not be applicable such as risk of pregnancy if menopause has occurred, hysterectomy, mmm, or fff threesome. Where the topic is relevant to the couple threesome communication means not saying for example, “reason for wanting a threesome is because I think it is hot.” In this author’s opinion, such a statement shows an immature idea about having a threesome and it shows a lack of respect for you partner due to a lack of understanding of the risks involved. Instead it means being honest and sincere such as, “My reason for wanting a threesome it is something that I would like to explore. I believe it might help our communication and commitment to each other.” Then may be in response saying, “Don’t you think we have good enough communication? How do you think it will help our commitment to each other?” Through repeated interaction and questioning the couple can begin to appreciate what is a threesome involves.

Initial Discussions: Pillow Talk, Sexting, Talking Dirty, and Heat of the Moment

I believe we all have our methods for dealing with difficult questions and sometimes it is easier to bring up a difficult question when it is difficult to get upset. “Pillow talk” (conversations after sex or just lying in bed talking), sexting (suggestive texts) talking dirty or during “heat of the moment” (arousal from foreplay), provides an opportunity to address the idea of having a threesome. It can provide very rich visual images and an opportunity to heighten your partner’s arousal. The feelings it invokes can be quite powerful and easy leading to a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding occurs when each person has a different interpretation of the context of the conversation. For one it may be fun play in order to keep their partner’s interested while the other may see the play as permission to arrange a threesome. There is nothing wrong with using the visual image of a threesome to arouse your partner but there must be enough communication for both to be in agreement about the meaning of the play. Nonetheless this type of play can provide an avenue for beginning the discussion of having a threesome during the day.

Exploring the idea: Striving towards a common vision

During this time each person has their own idea of what a threesome means for them and what they expect from a threesome. It is during this period where a lot of the discussions take place to allow each person to discuss their vision of having a threesome and then working from those images to find a common image that is agreeable.

All of the discussions may not be heart felt deep discussions but enough discussions will occur before the decision to seek someone else to join them. The discussion will vary from “feeling your partner out on an idea,” such as “how would you feel if… occurred in the threesome,” to “it is not happening.” Not all discussions will be easy and some may require compromises while others may require thought before the idea can proceed. It is during this time when the idea of having a threesome either begins to develop or it is left as a topic for another day’s discussion. At the end of this period the couple should have an idea of what their threesome might look like.

Finding the third person

There is no rule that says a couple must first work on a common vision for their threesome before they begin searching for the third person. Arguably beginning the search for a third person can be the first activity followed by, or in unison, the discussion related to the threesome. However this author believes it is better to define the vision for the threesome and work through some of the issues before finding the third person. Reason for this belief, this author feels, by this point the couple is beginning to learn to compromise and work through issues. By working together agreeing on the characteristics of the third person and the third person should be easier.

First Contact: Speaking with the third person

Hopefully at this point the couple will have some agreements about the threesome that will be communicated to the third person. This should not be everything they have discussed and at a minimum they should communicate:

  • Their expectations for the third person
  • Expectations for the threesome
  • Safe-sex practices
  • Where there are in the process about selecting the third person (e.g. are they reviewing replies and following up, do they want to meet, etc.)
  • Boundaries for the third person
  • Reiterating they are a couple and will leave as a couple
  • Safe-sex practices
  • How / when meeting will occur
  • Acceptable level of communication
  • How attention will be split

Also during this period the couple should, at a minimum:

  • Reviewing their boundaries
  • Discussing their feelings about people they have discussed having a threesome with
  • Reviewing their feelings about having a threesome
  • Discuss any new issues that have come up
  • Discuss if they feel any changes need to be made

Meeting the third person and having the threesome

Before meeting the third person the couple needs to ensure they are “on the same page” regarding the threesome and each of them has the same understanding regarding their planned threesome. Without having the same understanding it is possible hurt feelings will develop or worse. Therefore the couple should take a few moments to ensure they have the same understanding of:

  • Their boundaries and what they mean
  • Sexual practices that are off limits
  • Any changes they want to make
  • Any subtle signals that indicate interest or desire to abort the planned threesome
  • Any safe-words that indicate a desire to end the threesome
  • Any feelings they are having

At some point before the threesome the couple should take a few minutes to review with the third person their boundaries and expectations. Likewise the third person, if they have not already done so, state their boundaries, expectations, and any preferences. Then as they encounter progresses if issues arise then they should be brought into the open and discussed.

Debriefing

This does not need to be an onerous activity or long. After the threesome the couple should, as soon as possible, take time to talk about the threesome they had and discuss any feelings. Then, for as long as needed, discuss feelings that may come up as the result of having the threesome along with their desire to have another experience.

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Planning a threesome: A communication and issues perspective

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages by

English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...What does planning a threesome entail?

Questions and Threesome Philosophy

Recently I started thinking about what is involved with planning a threesome, what is involved in having a threesome, and why it is sometimes better not to have a threesome.  I am not speaking about an aspect of having a threesome, such as trying to debunk some of the myths surrounding having a threesome which is common to my writing, but trying to articulate what a threesome can mean.

I am one who believes if an individual in one breath suggests a threesome then in the next breadth begins suggesting people to join them for a threesome deserves anything bad a threesome may bring them. Why? That individual is not thinking through what is involved in having a threesome and may be viewing having a threesome as quick way to get laid with ‘no strings attached.’ My own threesome philosophy is based on believing having a threesome challenges a couple by forcing them to speak about things that most couples do not speak about, having to accept a decision that will forever change their relationship, and deal with the outcome of having a threesome. This means having a threesome will change the relationship, for better or worse, and before undertaking a decision to change a relationship some consideration must be given. In order to arrive at making a decision a couple needs to take time in understanding what it will mean for them. It also means having to ask themselves some very tough questions such as:

  • Can I watch my partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Am I prepared to have sex with someone else while my partner / spouse watches
  • Can I have sex with someone for pleasure without developing feelings for them
  • How will I feel about myself afterwards
  • How will I feel about my spouse / partner afterwards
  • What are the risks
  • What boundaries will I need to feel secure in having a threesome
  • What activities should not happen because I am too uncomfortable either performing them or seeing my partner / spouse performing them on someone else
  • What do we / I need to do to help ensure this relationship will survive having a threesome
  • What do I need to do to support my partner after having a threesome
  • How do we reconnect physically and emotionally after having a threesome
  • What safe-sex practices do we need to follow
  • Where will the threesome occur
  • What type of person will we invite
  • Will there be an impact on my job or my partner’s / spouse’s job if we are discovered
  • How are we going to find the third person
  • How are we going to share the responsibility in finding the third person
  • What are we going to communicate to the third person about our boundaries and our relationship

The above list of questions is not an exhaustive list and the answers will change based on where the person is in the threesome process and their attitude towards having a threesome. This means there has to be some research, some introspection, and some discussions regarding issues surrounding having a threesome along with the issues surrounding the relationship in order to understand what having a threesome will mean. Without having some discussions it leaves a big risk that something has been missed and by missing it the relationship will be adversely impacted.

Communication: Initial Discussion

This brings up the question, how far should the conversations go and how long should they last? The answer is as long as necessary until there is a common understanding, there are no outstanding issues and a common agreement is reached. For some couples it could be a few short conversations due to previous experiences with threesomes and previous conversations. However for other couples it could means a long-time due to issues that arise that needs addressing before having a threesome. Also, this means these conversations continue from the time the suggestion of having a threesome is made until each individual feels they have no lingering issues from having a threesome. Finally for others it means having a threesome never materializes because a common framework could not be established.

At some point these conversations are going to raise the question, are we ready to have a threesome? There is no formula or magical answer to this question. Instead this is a judgement call for the couple. Ideally, this author feels, a couple is ready when they feel they are ready after talking through the issues and feel they have the same understanding, sometimes referred to as “being on the same page,” about the threesome. Once they begin their search they should continue discussing issues especially the type of person to be invited, their boundaries, and feelings that the search might elicit.

Meeting the Third Person & the Threesome: Issues and Communication

Once they have found a potential “playmate,” third person, it will most likely make what was, for the most part, an exercise in finding someone and it will make having a threesome real. Essentially this is the point where the idea of having a threesome is no longer an abstract and intangible idea; now it is quite tangible and real. At this point it is quite likely that they will face some anxiety and uncertainty. Also, at this point time is running out if they want to make any last minute changes to their boundaries or change their mind. As soon a threesome begins they cannot reverse what happens. Therefore, it is imperative if there are any lingering issues or uncertainty about having a threesome they are address, otherwise it will be too late.

Depending on how the couple has planned their threesome there might be some social conversation and social time together with the third person. This can give them a chance to learn about the third person and make their final decision about having a threesome. Furthermore they should expect, at some point, the conversation will change from socially acceptable conversation to sex. Such a change in conversation makes it likely that flirting will occur along with some displays of affection (e.g. kissing and intimate touching). Such a change in conversation and behavior indicates that any initial meeting place be tolerant of such behaviors. Also, it implies that the couple should expect such displays, encourage such behavior if they want the threesome to occur and be accepting of it.

Before the threesome occurs and after getting beyond the social conversation lays a difficult area for inexperienced couples to navigate, the transition. Transition, is the “point of no return,” it is the point where the threesome is about to happen and if it is to be stopped then it needs to occur before it goes any further. In getting past this point certain cues need to be given and accepted. For a couple they need to let the invited third person to know they want to proceed. There are several ways they can do this:

  • They can tell them it is alright
  • Suggest moving to the bedroom or a more appropriate room
  • Some form of sexual encouragement is given that is short of penetration (e.g. taking hand to feel breast).
  • Changing into something more revealing
  • Undressing
  • Playing games such as strip poker

After the couple successfully completes the transition the next phase is the threesome. At this point they are either undressed or in some form of semi-undressed. It is the point where the couple faces the power of their decision. They can be confronted with:

  • Seeing their partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Having sex with someone else while their partner / spouse watches
  • Seeing someone else sexually please their partner / having someone else sexually please them
  • Most likely having intense feelings ranging from fear and loss to a high state of arousal
  • Needing to manage feelings in order to keep feelings from overrunning
  • Seeing things that may not correspond to the reality of the situation (e.g. partner being sexually aroused by someone else and that arousal may be due to the threesome and not an attraction to the individual)
  • Possibly smell of sex in the room
  • Having an intense orgasm / watching their partner having an intense orgasm
  • Sexual performance issues
  • Comparing body and genitals with the third person
  • Knowing their partner / them can be sexually attracted to someone else
  • Fear of pregnancy, if mfm or fmf
  • Fear of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs
  • Issues of bisexuality

Then after the threesome other issues arise such has managing contact with the third person afterwards and reconnecting as a couple.

Conclusion

Having a threesome means being sociable, assertive, and being an extrovert. It also means knowing your limits, being able to communicate those limits, and being able to effectively communicate with others about their limits. For a couple who wants a threesome it will mean discussing topics that most couples will not discuss in their lifetime together, being faced with a situation that they choose to confront, and it means putting their relationship at risk in order to have a sexual experience. Many couples chose that risking their relationship for a threesome is not worth it but for those who do face uncertainty. The impact of the threesome may not be felt for days, weeks, months, or years. However with enough planning, investing enough in the relationship, and communicating then it is a realistic expectation that a threesome will provide an enjoyable experience. Finally this article shows there is more than enough reason not to have a threesome but for those who choose to take this journey hopefully this article helps to highlight a possible path for you.

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Simulating a threesome

Posted in Techniques / Positions, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Introduction

How do you have a threesome without actually having it? Maybe your question is, how do you take small steps that safely allows exploring the idea of having threesome? Answer, there are a variety of ways and this article will examine a few of the techniques available.

Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk:

Sharing the idea as a fantasy as a part of foreplay, during sex, after sex is a great way for creating an erotic encounter or maintaining interest. The great thing about this is it can be spontaneous where your minds can run wild, it is easy for each person to maintain their comfort zone and it does not require a lot of preparation. A major drawback, it is easy for the line between fantasy and reality to become blurred. Unless the discussion shifts from fantasy to discussing the making it a reality during the ‘cold-hard light of day’ then assume the idea remains a fantasy.

Watching Porn

At first I debated if this should be included in the ‘Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk,’ section and I decided to make its own section. Watching threesome porn, this author feels, is a great way to share the fantasy and if the couple chooses, us it as a way to start the discussion about having a threesome. Also, it can serve as a way to get new techniques and ideas for fantasies. It is important to remember porn is fantasy that shows professional actors acting about a threesome fantasy. This means it is unrealistic to expect a real threesome to be similar to a porn movie.

Role Playing

Role playing a threesome essentially is simulating the idea of having a threesome as real for the couple as possible. Before the role play starts a safe-word, a word that could not be confused as a part of the act, should be chosen and used to stop the role play if it becomes too uncomfortable for a participant. Next step involves the role-play itself. It can be as simple as a fantasy description during foreplay using toys or fingers to simulate the third person. On the more elaborate side, it can be an elaborate play whereby the couple develops a scene. The scene can be the woman going into a bar flirting with another guy while her partner watches from a distance or it can be her male partner pretending to be someone else who seduces her without her husband knowing about it. It is important to note, if the scene involves people who may unknowingly participate it can cause problems and potentially put safety at risk. Finally even though simulating a threesome may be arousing actually having one maybe different. Therefore, it is always to important to remember there is a difference between the fantasy of having a threesome and actually having a threesome. The difference lies in the fact during the fantasy each participant remains in control of what happens but during a real threesome the ability to control the situation, to a great extent is lost, since the outcome is dependent on the third person’s interaction with the couple.

Sex Toys

Sex toys provide a great way to explore the idea of having a threesome without actually having one. They can be used in conjunction with role playing or used on their own. This is one area where creativity and imagination can be limitless.

Lap Dancing Club

Attending a lap dancing club is another way to simulate having a threesome but be prepared to be charged money. By attending a lap dancing club the sex is simulated and usually with the client not being able to touch the dancer. It can give a powerful visual representation of what a threesome might be like but again it is not a real threesome.

Swingers Club

There is a misrepresentation that you must participate if you go to a swingers club and generally speaking it is not the case. Attending a swingers club to meet people and to watch can provide a perspective that may not be open to you. It can provide some insight and make having a threesome as real as possible without actually having it. With that said, it is important to agree to boundaries before going and be prepared if approached to politely, yet assertively, tell people that you are not looking to play that evening. If you are not comfortable telling people ‘no’ then you may find putting yourself and / or your partner in a situation that they would rather not find themselves. Finally before going for your first time it is recommended to contact the club. They will advise you and arrange for you to join. Normally a swingers club will charge a membership fee. Usually the fee is to meet legal requirements along with attracting the type of clientele they want.

Soft-swinging

As an author, I debated if I should include soft-swinging since it involves another person. However after much though I decided to include it since it does not involve having sex with the third person and in my view, soft-swinging is the closest the couple can have simulating a threesome without it actually occurring. Soft-swinging by definition means sexual activity does occur but penetration does not. This can be anything from having someone watch you having sex to kissing, fondling with clothes all the way to rimming. As a technique for simulating a threesome soft-swinging can provide a transition for a couple wanting a full-swap threesome but is not ready for it. Likewise for a couple who wants to remain monogamous to each other then soft-swinging can provide the best of both worlds, the ability to have a limited threesome while remaining monogamous to each other.

Posting Pictures on amateur sites:

Nothing can be more exciting than taking a few suggestive then posting online and then reading the comments. The comments then can serve as fuel for further fantasies, give further ideas, and add a few sparks back. If you are going to do the above then ensure the whole process is transparent (e.g. user name, password, and all information is accessible) and boundaries are agreed about how far the experience will go. It is easy to to get ‘taken-away’ by the moment and go further then you might be willing to go.

Web Cam

Some may remember when web cams first came out, the issues with video streaming and having the computer recognize the camera. With web cams becoming inexpensive, high speed broadband, and faster processors the problems with web cams have been resolved. For a couple that wants the experience of having a threesome without the STD / STI then “camming” provides an alternative. Probably the biggest drawback, in this author’s opinion, for “camming” is the risk of being discovered or your computer being hit by a virus. The latter can be reduced by using good internet security software, using reputable sites, and practicing safe internet surfing habits.

Conclusion

The above does show there is a way a couple, who may want a threesome but is reluctant to have a full-swap, can explore their interest without actually having a threesome.  Each option has its advantages, disadvantage, and risks; however, it is up to each couple to decide which one(s) suits them the best.

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MFM Threesome FAQs for single males

Posted in Etiquette, FAQ, Miscellaneous, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

triple red tulipaFAQs for single men interested in a mfm threesome

If a couple responds to my email or ad then they are interested in me?

There is a difference between a genuine interest meeting for a threesome and obtaining enough information to make an informed decision. Any reply means you have an opportunity to make yourself stand-out and impress the couple.

Couples looking for a two male, mfm, threesome are looking for another male to join them because the primary male cannot meet the female’s sexual needs?

This is a logical fallacy that many single men believe. Most couples looking for a second male have stable relationships and have a threesome because it is their choice. As a result of their decision you are being invited to join them because they are looking to explore their sexuality and not because there is an underlying issue in their relationship.

When meeting or communicating with a couple I should be speaking to the woman?

Depending on the situation this can be a fatal mistake. While it is true most mmf threesomes are straight, the reality is it takes two people to make a couple. This means even though you will be engaging sexually with her you cannot forget her partner / husband. In many situations he takes on a gatekeeper role, which means, if you cannot win his trust and confidence then it is unlikely the threesome will occur. Best piece of advice is to make sure you include him in any conversations, speak to him about her interests, and a build a rapport with him. By doing this you will gain his trust and increase the chance the threesome will occur.

When replying to an ad I should include my email address, contact phone number, and a photo of my genitals?

Most ads will not ask contact details or photos of genitals to be sent with a reply. By sending any of this with your reply, when it is not requested, most likely will be seen as aggressive and will cause the couple to longer consider you. It is best to read the ad carefully about what the couple is wanting and only send the requested information.

If I am in a committed relationship or married and the couple is requesting a single male then I am considered single?

Many couples tend to prefer single men since they come with less risk and keep the threesome as discreet as possible. If you are married or in a committed relationship and the couple request a single male then you need to be upfront with the couple about your relationship status.

If I am single and interested in having a threesome then I should approach a married couple that I know?

If you ask a friend for a threesome then that relationship will forever change and you might bring to an end that friendship. Before asking you will need to consider:

  • If you are willing to risk the friendship
  • How the friendship will return once the threesome ends
  • How you will deal with issues such as rejection if your idea is rejected
  • How you will mitigate feelings developing
  • Your reasons for selecting a friend instead of someone else

How do I ask a couple for a threesome?

A lot depends on the context of the situation, if you are using a website dedicated to this activity or at a swinger club (on or off premise) then wanting a threesome is implied. The focus in these situations is determining if enough attraction exists to allow a threesome to occur.

If it the asking is done when the couple may not expect it then using a direct approach that is open and honest is necessary. This means avoiding euphemisms, talking around the subject, or alluding to the idea.  Instead you have to be honest with the couple and tell them what you are proposing.  In some situations, there already may be sexual tension that all recognizes and talking about it will help bring up the subject. If this is the situation then talk about your plan, how you see the friendship continuing, and why you feel it is necessary to have the threesome. However in other situations the idea may be a shock to them and it is best to be ready for it.

If I have a threesome with a couple is it assumed that I will ‘cum’ in her, especially if I use a condom?

No, it is bad etiquette to make this assumption. When it comes to this issue the woman may have a strong preference and it is courteous to ask beforehand.

If I am participating in a threesome with another man does it mean he is bisexual or gay?

No, it does not. The most common type of threesome is the two men and one woman threesome.

How do I handle incidental touching in a two man threesome?

Ideally before the threesome you should discuss with the couple your boundaries, including being intentionally touched by the other male. With that said, during ‘the heat of the moment,’ sometimes incidental touching does occur. This can occur for several reason like positioning, initial indications that you are open to the idea, or misunderstanding about boundaries. If it does happen and if feels good then allow the touching to continue until you begin feeling uncomfortable. However if it is something that makes you feel uncomfortable then try showing your discomfort non-verbally by changing position or gently moving the body part that is touching you. Should it not be possible or it is not working then politely and in a non-confrontation way say something. Finally if the thought of being touched by the other male induces levels of anxiety, anger, or it is something that upsets you then, in this author’s opinion, you should reconsider the idea of having a two male threesome.

MFM threesome FAQs

Posted in FAQ, Miscellaneous, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

English: Variable Damselfly threesome: mating ...

If we have a two male, mfm, threesome will there be male on male contact?

In most cases, no, since most mfm are straight (no male on male contact). However, if it something, as a couple, you are looking for then it is possible to find a bi male but be safe in regards to STDs / STIs.

Couples looking for a two male, mfm, threesomes are looking for another male to join them because the primary male cannot meet the female’s sexual needs?

Most couples that look for a second male have stable relationships and have a threesome because it is their choice. This means you are being invited to join them because they are looking to explore their sexuality and not because there is an underlying issue in their relationship.

What types of risk exist with having a mfm threesome?

The biggest risks includes, though not limited to:

  • pregnancy
  •  STDs / STIs
  • misunderstanding boundaries / miscommunication
  • conflict during or after the threesome
  • ending of the relationship

My husband / partner wants a mfm threesome, does it mean he is gay?

Most likely no, most threesomes are two male threesomes that are straight.  Very few two male threesomes involve male on male activity due to risk of STDs / STIs. Even if there is some male-on-male contact it does not mean he is gay. A threesome situation can be quite arousing and allowing opportunity for exploration whereby some same-sex contact does occur. Then after the experience there is no further interest in the same-sex. However, if you are in doubt then it is important that you speak to them about your concerns.

Where are some places we can meet men interested in having a threesome?

There are many places you can search and you may find someone interested in places that you may not expect to look.  Nonetheless there are a few places you can try but remember to do it safely:

  • Internet threesomes, dating, and swinging web sites.
  • Swingers clubs on premise
  • Off premise swingers clubs, munches, and meet & greets
  • Swingers Parties
  • Dogging locations

However there a few choices to avoid such as:

  • bars
  • co-workers
  • ex boyfriend / girlfriend or ex spouse

Are there any bad reasons to have a threesome?

Yes they are and they include:

  • Feeling pressured
  • Doing it to please your partner
  • Being coerced or manipulated
  • Using it as a way of preventing cheating
  • Getting drunk and / or high to have a threesome

Will getting high or drunk increase my enjoyment of having a threesome?

Getting high and / or drunk is very bad idea when having a threesome. Reason being you need to be in full control of your decisions and keep up your boundaries. Without being in control of your decisions you put your safety and health at risk. Simply put if you need to get high and /or drunk to have a threesome then you need to reconsider the idea.

What positions can you do in a threesome?

Any position works in a threesome but there are two other positions, split roast and dp.

I am a female who will be having a two male threesome, how do I divide my attention including who do I have sex with first?

You will be the center of the male’s attention. Nonetheless, how you focus your attention may have a significant impact on your relationship. The best advice is to speak with your partner before the threesome and then communicate it to the invited male.

Having two men will mean the female will have sex multiple times?

It is possible that she may have sex more than once. However that will depend on the planned threesome structure, expectations, and if any of the men of suffering from performance anxiety (e.g. inability to get an erection, inability to support an erection, premature ejaculation).

 

The basics of threeosme safety

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

 

Introduction

What do you think when you hear the word safety? Safety conjures up an image of an activity being sucked of its fun or Health and Safety Laws in the UK that have gone too far. Nonetheless safety has an important part of having a threesome and it is the part that ensures that the threesome remains enjoyable while protecting those involved.

Sexual Safety:

 

This is the easiest point to start the discussion since it is a topic people are familiar with at some level. Sexual safety means more than practicing safe-sex, it means avoiding unnecessary risks that can damage your sexual health. It also means looking at the details of what is being planned and ensuring that what is being planned will not have an impact on anyone’s health at a later date. Examples include properly cleaning “toys” before using them, not going bareback with someone, not using lubricants that can breakdown a condom, informing your partner if you believe you have been exposed to a STI, allowing a chance to bathe, and changing condoms when switching between anal and vaginal penetration. Essentially sexual safety means respecting everyone enough that extra measures are considered and communicating additional information so that sexual health is not put at risk.

Personal Safety:

 

Personal safety and emotional safety has some overlap. Since there is some overlap this section will focus more on the physical aspects of personal safety and to some extent address the issue of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person. It is impossible to speak about every possible risk to personal safety that might theoretically arise in a threesome situation and this section will take a broad brush stroke over the topic.

Overview

Stating point regarding personal safety is our “inner voice.” All of us have an “inner voice” that tells us if something is not right. Choosing to listen our inner voice is our choice. However in a threesome situation if it does not feel right, if you feel there is something not right about the situation, or the situation make you feel uncomfortable then it is best not to ignore that “inner voice.” Most likely your “inner voice” is warning you about a potential injury to your well-being.

Another point regarding personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where your safety becomes at risk. There are some who feel to “get in the mood” they need to drink or use drugs. There is nothing wrong with a social drink in order to get the conversation flowing and to relax everyone. However the issue becomes when having more than a social drink or using drugs can lead to fuelling emotions such as, when are watching your partner having sex with someone else in front of you and such activities makes it more likely that the individual will participate in risky behavior that they would not normally do when sober. Undertaking risky behavior can result in boundaries being broken, unnecessary exposure to STDs / STIs, and in some cases risk of pregnancy. It is therefore better to be in control of the situation and to make appropriate decisions then to make a decision based on the “heat of the moment” only to regret it later.

Final point, which ties in to the next part of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person, is examining the planned threesome from a personal safety perspective. It means examining the planned threesome and then trying to identify where potential safety issues may exist. From there then determining the likelihood of it happening, and asking if it did happen why would be impact of the outcome? Purpose of this exercise, essentially is to make sure what is being planned addresses the issues of safety.

Meeting the Third Person

 

Meeting the third person covers a very broad spectrum from placing an ad on the internet to physically meeting them. While it is impossible to cover every conceivable situation a few general principles do apply. First principle is creating an alias. An alias is essential because it helps to protect your identity from family, friends, employers, if you have children in the home it will protect them, and anyone else that you may come in contact with. It goes without saying, there is nothing wrong with having a threesome but if someone does know your identity then it could have some consequences for you, especially if you have a job where you are dealing with the public. In order to protect yourself, your family and your job creating an alias becomes a part of planning for safety.

The question now becomes what is an alias? An alias sanitizes your key information so that is not easily traced to you. This means when creating an alias, you remove any information that can personally identify you and restate it in such a way that protects you. So if you are John (age 42) & Jane (age 38) residing in Northbrook, Illinois then your alias may become Mark (age 40) and Sarah (age 35) in Chicago. As a part of this process any pictures you might use would not have pictures of your children, other family members, or anything that would identify you. Instead they might be either neck down pictures or pictures showing you from a distance, so that facial features become less distinct while still showing a generalized body shape.

Remember your alias will be the first thing people who read your ad on the internet, you contact, or meet will know about you. Therefore it becomes important that your alias is something that is manageable and easy for you to remember. If not, it may make developing trust more difficult thereby loosing potential third persons.

Final question is how far do you take the alias? Personally my recommendation would be taking it far enough that any person you come in contact with regarding a threesome cannot identify where you work, do not know where you live if you have children, and they do not know your contact information. This may mean getting a pay-as-you-go cellular / mobile phone or buying a separate cellular / mobile phone for this activity. By getting a mobile / cellular phone dedicated to this activity it keeps your own phone number hidden and it also allow you to know anyone who is contacting you their call somehow relates to a threesome. Likewise establishing a dedicated email address for this activity will help to protect you from SPAM emails and it makes it easier to manage. Thirdly this means not taking the third person to your house if you have children around and if you do bring them making sure any sensitive information (e.g. bank, credit card information, and family photos) is secured. Fourthly avoid giving any career information that might identify your employer or may damage your reputation. Finally an alias may sound as though you are lying or intentionally being deceptive. This author feels as long as you are honest to questions being asked, that does not relate to your identity, and your present yourself in a truthful manner then creating an alias for protecting your protection is justifiable.

After speaking with them online and there seems to be an interest in meeting to see if things develop for a threesome to happen, the question becomes how to handle it? There is no right way to handle it but, this author feels, is for someone starting out with having a threesome then the first meeting should be a “meet & greet” in a public place. This means the first meeting involves no sex occurring and the purpose of the meeting is find out if all three of you are compatible. Before meeting them it may be worth your time to bring a cellular phone  / mobile phone for an emergency, let someone know that as a couple you are going out that night, and consider other safety measures. Then after the meeting having the time to talk to each other about it and then determine if that person is someone you want to have a threesome with.

Emotional Safety:

 

Emotional safety essentially means ensuring that you maintain the same positive perspective of having a threesome, from beginning to well after the threesome occurs, and immediately addressing any issues that interferes with that perspective. This means, this author feels, that each person participating in the threesome needs to have the proper positive perspective. Having a positive perspective does not necessary mean being 100% enthused about the idea 100% of the time. Instead it means viewing having a threesome as something positive and enjoyable in which each person has decided to participate. Without viewing a threesome as a choice and a decision to participate in it freely leaves allot of room for feeling bad about it.

So how do you achieve a balance to view the threesome positively as a choice? This author believes that being assertive as a large role in it. Being assertive means making your needs known in a manner that is not confrontation and as long as it is not a need that needs to be met in order to have the threesome (e.g. safe-sex practices), then try to find a way to reach a compromise. Without being assertive to make you needs known and to protect those needs that you feel are absolutely necessary to have a threesome.

Conclusion

 

This chapter briefly touched on the issue of safety from a sexual, personal, and emotional perspective. However due to the breadth of this subject it was not possible to cover all aspects of it and the purpose of this section was to introduce the idea as some something that needs to be considered when planning a threesome. If there were four points from this section to remember they would be, first do not discount any feeling of uneasiness because it could be a warning that something is not right. Second it is important to be assertive, to deal with issues as they come up, and not to give up on your core feelings in order to please someone else so that a threesome can happen. Third creating an alias can help in protecting yourself, your career, and family from the possible negative consequences of having a threesome. Finally it is important to review the planned threesome, from time to time, in order to ensure issues of safety are being addressed and that as a couple you are not putting your safety at unnecessary risk. By considering and planning for your safety in a threesome situation it will go along way to ensure that your threesome is enjoyable.