Monthly Archives: September 2012

Defining threesome, swinging, and open relationship

Posted in Terminology by

The Purple Mobius symbol for Polyamory, non-mo...

Does having a threesome mean the relationship is an open relationship?

Introduction

Threesomes, swinging, and open relationships are terms that are used interchangeably but each term has a specific meaning. Without understanding the meaning of each term it leads to confusion and misunderstanding.

Threesome

We all know threesome is a broad term meaning three people having sex together and it is used to cover a variety of situations. What many people do not realize is the term implies an encounter whereby the couple remains emotionally monogamous to each other but brings in a third person in order to enhance their sexual enjoyment of each other.  This means the term is used ind describing a couple that occasionally participates in the activity and for the most part, has a close relationship.

Swinging

Swinging is a term, this author feels, is over-used and it has almost become meaningless. The term dates back WWII and it described the practice of fighter pilots who shared their wives due to the high mortality rate but the practice itself dates back to biblical times.

Today, swinging implies a lifestyle choice. This means a couple that participates in having threesomes does so on a regular basis and the practice has become a part of their life. This means the difference between the term swinging and threesome implies the degree to which the practice is a part of the couple’s life.

Open Relationship

An open relationship can take on many forms, such as cuckolding / cuckqueaning, menage da trios, friends with benefits, or polyamory. The defining feature of an open relationship versus a threesome or swinging is the couple, in an open relationship, forms a secondary sexual relationship with someone outside of their primary relationship. This means each individual in the relationship, can choose, to have a relationship with someone else.  It also means the difference between an open relationship, swinging and a threesome is in an open relationship emotional monogamy is lost.

Defining the difference

This brings up the question, is all swinging and threesomes an open relationship? In this author’s opinion the answer is no. First in a swinging or threesome situation the activity is done together in an effort to maintain emotional monogamy. Second, an open relationship tends to involve relationship formation whereas the others focus on sexual enjoyment instead of forming a relationship. Such a difference means there is a different relationship dynamic at play.

Next, it brings up the question what about a couple that swings or has a threesome but one of the plays alone on occasion. The answer comes down to the reason for playing alone and the frequency. If it is something that is done on a rare occasion and it done for heightening sexual enjoyment then the answer would be it is not an open relationship.

Finally is it possible to have an open relationship while maintaining some form of monogamy? This author believes cuckolding / cuckqueaning is an example where the submissive member remains monogamous and receives sexual enjoyment from their partner’s sexual encounter. The other example is a friend with benefits. A friend with benefits relationship implies there is no monogamy and it is a choice.  This means the friends can, if they are not already in a relationship with someone else, choose to remain monogamous to each other.

Conclusion

The terms threesome, swinging, and open relationship describe a relationship based on the frequency of group sex and the extent to which the couple remains emotionally monogamous to each other. Even though each term describes these characteristics, it still means there is some interpretation that must occur. Hopefully by discussing these terms in more detail it will help the reader understand the differences between them.

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Debunking cuckold myths

Posted in Cuckolding, Threesome opinions by

It starts with her beauty in my eyes, it moves...

Introduction

Cuckolding is slowly entering the mainstream, as an accepted sexual practice, and it is gaining media attention. As it gains attention, the media will focus on the more titillating aspects with the hopes of driving ratings and attracting viewers. Such decisions present a biased view. leading couples to make decisions based on a particular viewpoint. It is important any couple seeking to try a cuckold has all the information. This article will explore some of the more common myths.

Cuckolding is a fetish

This author is aware of many people will argue cuckolding is a fetish but this author disagrees with them. A fetish by definition refers to an item or body part that is needed for inducing sexual arousal.  Since cuckolding is a sexual act and the majority of those into cuckolding can get aroused without being in a cuckold relationship it implies it not a fetish. Even taking a very liberal interpretation of the definition, whereby participating in a cuckold is needed for arousal the definition of fetish still does not apply.

Viewing cuckolding as a fetish, from the perspective of the couple, implies there is dysfunction in the marriage because the woman needs to have sex outside of the relationship for them to become aroused. Also, it implies the couple has to incorporate a third person into the relationship in order for both of them to be happy. For the bull, the male that is outside of the relationship, it implies he is only able to relate, sexually, to someone that is involved in a relationship and it suggests that he is not able to have a relationship with a woman himself.

In this author opinion equating cuckold with a fetish is wrong since it implies the primary relationship is somehow dysfunctional. and creates the wrong image for cuckolding.

Cuckolding is BDSM

While this author feels there is a strand of cuckolding that falls under BDSM. The particular strand that falls under BDSM this author believes is cuckolding that involves:

  • Humiliation due to small penis size
  • Using sex with someone else as a punishment / reward
  • Using sex with someone else as humiliation
  • Using male chastity device to deprive the male of having sex  or intentionally withholding sex while having sex with someone else

It is important to note, any BDSM activity is done with their partner’s knowledge and consent.

This author believes not all cuckolding is BDSM. Instead this author believes there is another form called couple cuckolding. Couple cuckolding differs from cuckolding that traditionally falls under the BDSM definition in three respects. First, the woman once she returns from her encounter shares her sexual experience with the other male with her partner and second, the man in the primary relationship is not submissive. Finally the person she chooses does not necessarily have to be male.

Couples who practice cuckolding cannot accept their marriage is over

It is true cuckolding can destroy a relationship but it is not always true that couples who take part in cuckolding see it as a way to keep a failed relationship together. Cuckolding if done right can enrich a relationship and fulfill it too.

Cuckolding can fix a relationship

Relationships can get stale and a stale relationship can lead a person to look outside of the relationship for a sexual partner. Feeling, as though a relationship is stale, indicates there is an unresolved issue (e.g. busy work schedules, communication issue, etc) that needs addressing. Cuckolding or any other group sex experience should not be sought as a ‘fix’ for a relationship.

Cuckolding is something a couple without any ‘group sex’ experience can do

A couple of legal age and who are capable of giving legal consent can do anything legal they choose, including cuckolding. Since cuckolding involves one member of the couple having sex alone with someone else, it means the person not participating will not be present. This provides unique challenges which requires a high level of trust and the ability to effectively communicate. However, without some form of ‘group sex’ experience (e.g. threesome, wife swapping or soft-swinging), a couple may find they are unprepared for the unexpected challenges cuckolding brings.

Cuckolding is only about sex

Sex is one aspect of cuckolding. However, depending on how long the couple pursues cuckolding, it is possible that emotional bond forms with the bull, thereby forming a secondary relationship with them. A couple considering the idea need to take forming an emotional bond with the third person seriously and they need to have boundaries in place to deal with the issue.

Cuckolding is a better choice since I do not have to watch my partner having sex with someone else

Many times cuckolding is done without primary male being present. Nonetheless, watching your partner having sex with someone else is not easy but it can be quite erotic. If you are uncomfortable with watching your partner having sex with someone else and / or discussing it then it might be a sign you are not comfortable with any type of ‘group sex’ activity. Should this be the situation then it may be worth your time to explore if cuckolding is in your best interest.

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Couple’s Cuckolding and the ‘what’ scenario

Posted in Cuckolding, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Heterosexual-flag-idea

Couple’s Cuckolding another form of cuckolding

Has the question, what it will be like to have sex with the guy in accounting ever cross your mind? Maybe what would it be like to have sex with someone else? These are typical questions ever individual fantasizes about and considers. However, if you are in a relationship  then you know know such experience can be kept as a fantasy but if it became reality then it could have dire consequences. How would you feel, if there is a way to potentially keep your relationship and live out a fantasy?

Such experiences are not forbidden if done with your partner’s consent and cuckolding might be your solution. Cuckolding is primarily thought of as a form of BDSM involving domination / submission with humiliation as a part of practice.  It typically involves the female half of the couple having sex with someone, typically male who is called a bull, with the knowledge and consent of her partner.  In this type of practice sex is either withheld from the submissive male or it is quite limited. The other form of cuckolding, in which the BDSM elements are not present, appears to be less common and in some ways it can be thought of as answer the question what. For this article, this type of cuckolding will be termed the couple’s cuckold since each member of the couple has an equal a voice in it.

How does this type of cuckolding exhibit itself? It can be the wife wanting to have sex with someone else because she married early and did not have sexual experience before meeting her husband.  Also, it could a threesome that has developed and the invited third person wants to have sex with the female half of the couple alone. It may be the husband / boyfriend wanting his partner to have sex with someone else. Finally it could be female wanting to have sex with an ex or a co-worker. Whatever the scenario, there seems to be two underlying activities that occur. The first is once the woman returns sex with her partner occurs, almost immediately and there is some sharing of the experience with her partner.  These two activities help differentiate it from the more common form of cuckolding.

This brings up the question, how do you approach the idea with your partner? Ideally the couple should have had at least one threesome before trying this and the reason for  this, without a least one threesome experience the couple cannot appreciate the complex dynamics that exist in this type of scenario thereby potentially missing crucial information that will help them decide if this route is the best choice for them. Even without a threesome experience the couple may have a successful experience if it done on a limited basis and opinions are respected.

To begin with not every man is open to the idea and he may be someone that will not accept such a scenario. However, trying to suggest the idea as a part of foreplay or as a part of ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of sex might be a good starting point. At this point the goal is suggesting the idea when the chance of resistance is low and the chance they might find the idea arousing is greater. Also at this point any acceptance of the idea should not be seen as consent since they might change his mind outside of the ‘bedroom.’ This author feels the way to start the conversation is by talking about the idea in very vague terms, such as, ‘how would feel if I wanted to fuck another guy and then come home to fuck you?’ Maybe during foreplay try talking about another guy fucking you and how much the thought turns you on. Then if they are willing to consider the idea, try becoming more specific and begin having the conversations outside of the bedroom.

Once the idea moves from the bedroom to discussion during the day, the conversation turns from erotic bedroom fun to discussing the particulars of the cuckold.  After the idea is discussed outside of the bedroom, do not be surprised his attitude may change and you may find there is resistance to it. This is typically called ‘double message’ and it may be a sign that intellectually he is for the idea though emotionally they are struggling with it. At this point, this author recommends, putting the idea to rest and reproaching it in another year while you work on strengthening your relationship with him.

As soon as you are able to discuss the idea the boundaries are different than a threesome where both of you are present. In this type of situation a lot depends on trust and having boundaries that work. Typical boundaries you may want to consider includes:

  • maximum number of encounters with the same person
  • length of time you are with him at any one time
  • acceptable activities
  • safe-sex practices including where the other male can cum
  • personal, physical, and emotional safety
  • how much of the activity will be discussed afterwards
  • priority for this type of experience
  • If he is to meet the other male
  • If he is to have input or veto on your selection of your chosen male.
  • How to contact you if needed and how you will contact him if something happens.

Essentially this means more communication needs to occur, it needs to be more detailed, and any agreed boundaries must be boundaries both of you are willing to adhere to in order to allow trust to flourish. It also, means talking about feelings openly and listening to what the other has to say. Without communicating about the planned cuckold and taking steps to minimize any damage from it, the couple is taking a big risk with their relationship.

Nonetheless, if it is done right this type of experience can be quite enthralling for the couple and it produce a very intense sexual experience for the couple, something they have never experienced. Based on this author’s experience it is a sexual experience that far exceeds that of having a threesome but at the same time it is a very unnerving experience due to the dynamics of the experience. However if it is done wrong it can have very devastating consequences for the couple.  Ideally this is something that should be done for a limited time with the same person and should be done on a very intermittent basis for the couple. Otherwise the couple may begin to loose control of the situation.

Finally this type of experience is a possibly ideal situation for a couple wanting to answer the question of what will it be like if…? However, before embarking on the experience the couple needs to discuss the idea and set boundaries. Without communicating about the experience and accepting that it can be potentially destructive to their relationship is undertaking a risk that they should not. Moreover, if a couple can plan it correctly and limit the number of times they have the experience, then the experience can be an incredible experience that they look back with fond memories.

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Having an uncomplicated threesome

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

 

Painting by Édouard-Henri Avril: two men and a...

Introduction

Couples are repeatedly told feelings have no place in a threesome where the goal of the encounter is not a long-term relationship (e.g. cuckolding, menage da trios, or polyamory. At first the advice sounds practical, and realistic. However after reflecting more the realization sex and feelings are interlinked is apparent.  This realization makes planning a threesome difficult for those who want to minimize any emotional involvement with the invited third person. In many ways it is similar to a ‘friend with benefits’ relationship. So, how do you have a threesome or a soft-swinging experience without becoming emotionally attached to the third person?

Basics

For starters having a threesome is counterintuitive for most people that require unlearning or modifying some of the ‘rules’ regarding sex. There are some who will say this is easier for men since men can keep emotions from sex but it is not as easy for women to do. However, when it comes to a threesome both men and women are equally prone to the influence of feelings after having a threesome.  A part of this has to do with sex being and intimate experience that creates a temporary bond with the third person and women, generally speaking look for form relationships. This means men tend to look to sex as an act whereas a women look to sex as a way of forming a relationship. In any event, learning how to keep manage feelings after a threesome is crucial if the object is to minimize emotional attachments afterwards.

Bonding

In order for a bond to occur, this author feel, there must be at least a physical attraction and for an attraction to occur there must be some similarity, common interest between three people. The greater the common interests the greater the chance the bond will be strong.

Regarding the threesome, this author feels, the strength of the bond is proportional to the amount of time taken communicating before the threesome occurs and the degree to which all three share common interests.

Strategies – Structural

Strength of Relationship

The starting point of ensuring a threesome does not adversely impact a couple’s relationship is the strength of their relationship. A couple that has a strong relationship, this author feels, has a better chance of a successful threesome than a couple that has a relationship that is struggling. By having a strong relationship, this author feels, a couple can work through any issue that comes up and be more likely not to be influenced by the third person.

Communication with the third person

Having a full threesome or soft-swinging is about sex. This means getting to know the third person is not like dating, it is not about developing a friendship and it is not about knowing their whole life-story. Instead it is getting enough information from the third person to assess their risk to you and to know if there is enough of an attraction to have a threesome. This means communicating with the third person is more detached, in order to protect the couple from becoming emotionally involved with the third person.  Without such an approach, this author feels, the risk of becoming emotionally attached to the third person greatly increases.

Strategies – Boundaries

One Off

One strategy a couple can employ as a part of their boundaries for a threesome is limiting the threesome to a one-time, one-off, with the third person and once the threesome is over then having no further communication with them.

Vacation / Holiday

Another boundary a couple can employ is having their threesome while on holiday/ vacation. This provides the couple a chance to have it and a good chance they will not see the person again thereby limiting any bond with the third person. Again, couple should not maintain communication with the third person after they finish their vacation / holiday.

Distance to travel

Finding someone a significant distance from where you live is another strategy / boundary a couple can employ. Finding someone who is, for example, 50 or 100+ miles away makes it difficult to remain in contact. It also means traveling to them or them traveling to you is an expense and making any meetings less frequent than if they were nearby.

Stranger

A reason for using a stranger instead of a friend, co-worker, or an ex is due to the fact there is not an emotional bond that exists. Choosing a stranger means the ‘relationship’ is new and it can be defined on the basis of the threesome. Then once the threesome is over, the purpose of the ‘relationship’ has been met and it can come to an end. This means from a theoretical perspective choosing a stranger offers the flexibility of developing and maintaining a ‘relationship’ based on the physical enjoyment of sex rather than forming a ‘relationship’ based on feelings.

Third person selection

Instinctively we choose people that are similar to us and share similar interests. Having a threesome means departing from that instinct and focusing on choosing someone based on their fit in the threesome. In this case it means choosing someone who is somewhat dissimilar to us while at the same time choosing someone similar enough where we can have at least a physical attraction to them.  If you were to put this in the context of a dating situation, this author feels, it would be a situation where someone is physically appealing but you do not make an emotional connection due to too much dissimilarity.

Conclusion

Essentially, being able to keep feelings developing for the third person comes down to keeping an emotional distance from them and not developing a friendship with them. This is not as easy as it sounds. However by employing strategies that minimizes bonding and limit the time taken in getting to know the third person, can increase the chance that having that having a threesome without the emotional complications can occur. Likewise, choosing the third person based on physical attraction instead of shared common interests can go a long way in preventing feelings from developing. Keeping feelings out of having a threesome can go a long way in ensuring the couple’s relationship remains intact and provide a low stress environment for the threesome.

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Perils of using a friend or co-worker for a threesome

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Friendship, Göteborg, Sweden

Is it a good idea to invite a friend or co-worker to a threesome?

For a threesome to happen a willing third person is needed that understands what the couple is wanting and on the surface it sounds relatively straightforward. For a couple just starting their search a friend or in some cases a co-worker seems like a natural starting point. Since a relationship already exists and something is already known about them. However, because a relationship already exists it can create further problems that the below examples will try to highlight.

Friend and Co-worker examples

In order to make the discussion clearer this author will use a fictitious couple, Couple A, George and Mary, who agree on a two male threesome. They begin their search by joining a few threesome friendly sites and after a few days grow weary of the process. Their first reaction is to forgo having a threesome and after a bit of contemplation, Mary suggests Henry a friend of George. George and Henry have been friends for a few years plus they work together. At first George resists the idea, thinking Henry was not a good choice. Then George recalls conversations he has had with Henry and how much Henry found Mary attractive. George for a while wanes on the idea but after repeated failures with their search, George acquiesces, agreeing to invite Henry.

Shortly thereafter, George invites Henry to join Mary and him for supper. Henry believes it is going to be a quiet evening with conversation and some drinking with friends. The evening begins like any other evening they spend together and about 1/2 through the evening Mary begins flirting with Henry. Henry is not sure how to respond and a few moments later Mary ‘excuses’ herself to go to the bathroom. While Mary is gone George explains what they have planned and after some reassuring Henry agrees.

Upon returning George signals to Mary that Henry is interested and the evening continues with all three going back to their place for drinks. Mary then leaves to ‘get into something more comfortable’ with Henry and George following her a few minutes later. The threesome occurs and afterwards negative feelings remain about the threesome. Furthermore the friendship between George and Henry decays. Along with their friendship decaying their working relationship suffers, ultimately leading Henry to leave his job.

The above scenario shows a potential impact of choosing a friend is the loss of a friendship and the potential impact on other parts of the participants’ lives. Going back to the above scenario it is possible that one of the friends could have taken out a grievance against the other in the workplace, led to claims of discrimination, or harassment. This could have an impact on the career and livelihood of the other. However, in this situation, the result was the lost of friendship.

Scenario two: George and Melissa is another fictitious couple that are pursuing a single female for a fmf threesome. After two years of searching for the elusive single woman they are about to give up on their search until Melissa suggests a friend Matilda at her job. Melissa works for a SME where everyone knows everyone and there is a feeling of belonging to a family. Matilda is a single woman a few years younger than Melissa and Matilda is supervised by a manager that reports Melissa. She decides to invite Matilda over for supper with George and herself. Things go smoothly and things progress to a threesome.

A few days later Matilda becomes upset about the threesome and questions if it is the right thing to do since Melissa manages her line manager. After taking legal advice Matilda decides to file a sexual harassment complaint against Melissa resulting in Melissa loosing her job.

This scenario, which is fictional, does highlight the legal and career costs to using a coworker for a threesome. Even if two people are the same pay grade, filing a grievance based on bullying or sexual harassment is possible. Therefore it is important to consider the career and legal implications of inviting a co-worker for a threesome.

Questions

This brings up the important question for any couple considering a threesome with a friend, what is more important the friendship or the threesome? In most cases, this author feels, the friendship would take precedence over the threesome. If this is the case, then the couple needs to consider closely the impact of the threesome on continuing the friendship.

Finally this brings up another important question, is there a way to have a threesome while maintaining the friendship or working relationship? It is important to remember once the suggestion is brought up the friendship or working relationship forever changes. In this author’s opinion maintaining the friendship might be possible if the friends can discuss the idea beforehand, work through any feelings, and discuss how the friendship could return after the threesome. Unfortunately with labor laws it can make using a co-worker more difficult. Therefore it is possible, though not advisable, to use a friend or a co-worker for a threesome. The risks, this author feels, outweighs any potential benefit from that choice.

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Threesome myths

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Fendi06

Introduction

During ratings sweep it is possible to see a tantalizing article about couples who take part in threesomes and it is fairly easy to find a talk show, covering the topic in some form.  From watching the news, news programs and talk shows it is easy to form an opinion of having a threesome. However do we ask, is this an accurate portrayal or is a perspective being given to get ratings? This author will take a look at some of the perceptions of threesomes and will try to expose some of the myths around them.

Since the couple does not have an open relationship there is no risk to the relationship

Porn movies are notorious for portraying a threesome as a way to have sex without the consequences and no opening up the relationship probably carries less risk. Nonetheless, the reality is any decision, including the decision to have a threesome, carries consequences and having a threesome can impact a couple’s relationship.  The fact that the relationship is no open does not mean residual feelings from having the threesome or by having a threesome it brings up underlying issues. Since there is no guarantee a threesome will work, the best advice is to talk through having a threesome and continue to talk about it to address any feelings that may linger afterwards.

Every man wants fmf threesome

Every man does not want a two woman threesome. A man is person who has feelings, beliefs and experiences. This means not every man wants a fmf threesome because it goes against their beliefs or from their experiences they feel a threesome is not in their best interest.  Those who do have a threesome, most, will have a two male threesome. This is not because they are bisexual or gay; instead it is because a single man is more likely to take part in a threesome than a single woman.

Best choice for a threesome is a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover

While a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover may work as a choice for a threesome in some limited circumstances. The reality is each one provides their own issues and risks that make choosing them a risky choice. It is this author’s feeling anyone considering a threesome, especially if discretion and privacy is a concern, to look for someone they do not know well.

Having a threesome will add ‘spice’ to the relationship and fix relationship problems such as, stopping my partner / spouse from cheating

Threesomes cannot fix relationship or add spice to a relationship that has become stagnant.  This author feels a threesome can bring issues forward issues that exist in the relationship and weaken a relationship that is struggling. Therefore, this author feels, the best approach is to solve the underling issues and work at developing the relationship before considering a threesome.  Essentially this means a threesome should not be considered as a solution to a relationship issue but as a way to potentially grow the relationship.

During foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ my partner / spouse express a wish to have a threesome

If you partner / spouse express an interest in having a threesome during foreplay or ‘pillow talk’ then it is a good idea to speak to them outside of the bedroom to clarify their feelings. Just because during arousal or in the afterglow they express these feelings, it does not mean the interest continues. Without talking about the idea during the day it is difficult to know their true feelings and acting on such a statement without understanding their feelings may result in problems for the relationship later.

I am not the jealous type and I do not see having a threesome as being a problem

Until a threesome occurs it is impossible to know your reaction. Having a threesome can elicit a roller-coaster of emotions and even though who do not believe they are jealous may feel jealous once they see their partner / spouse having sex with someone else.

I am the jealous type and should not have a threesome

In most cases being jealous will make having a threesome difficult but it does not mean it will be impossible. If it is possible to talk through the feelings before hand, set a signal to let your partner / spouse know you are becoming uncomfortable or if you can view having a threesome being about physical pleasure instead of emotional bonding then it is possible that having a threesome is not out of reach.  However, if jealousy leads to anger, violent reactions, or conflict then it is advisable to work on the issue of jealousy before having a threesome.

Boundaries are not needed since I want my partner / spouse to experience everything

A couple cannot expect every possible scenario for a threesome and their possible reaction. Having boundaries define the limits of a threesome and give a safety-net for the threesome. It allows each participant to understand what behavior is acceptable and the personal limits each person has.  Even though boundaries will not prevent every possible issue from surfacing; it helps the couple to mitigate any potential conflict, build trust, and be pro-active in preventing possible conflict.

Having a threesome is cheating

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome is not cheating provided the boundaries are not intentionally or recklessly violated. This means as long as the couple is agreement and they adhere to their boundaries, then this author feels no cheating has occurred.

I do not want to have a threesome but my partner / spouse does,  I should agree to have a threesome in order to make them happy.

Having a threesome can bring up powerful feelings and can involve a complex web of emotions. Deciding to have threesome to make someone happy may seem like a caring act in order to strengthen a relationship. However must be asked, what about your feelings? If you find you are opposed to a threesome then it is possible it may bring up other feelings (e.g. feeling of losing self in the relationship, your needs not getting met, etc.) these feelings may have an adverse impact on your perception of the threesome and adversely impact your relationship. Therefore it is important to balance your needs against the need to have a threesome for your partner.

If my partner is agreeable then a threesome should happen fairly quickly

Planning and finding someone that is compatible can take time, especially if it is a fmf. The first step in having a threesome is discussing the idea; however, it can take weeks, months, year, or it may never happen. A part of the length is based on the type of threesome being planned, the issues that need resolving, and finding someone who is compatible.

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Problems with quid pro quo as a negotiating position for threesomes

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

 

House of the Virgin Mary now a chapel in Ephes...

 

Quid pro quo, something for something, seems innocent enough. We use it everyday when buying an item in the store (money for the item) or when trying compromise. This strategy gets used by couples when they are trying to protect their position by not giving up too much when they try to compromise. Couples will even employ this strategy when discussing threesomes.

 

Imagine a fictitious couple, Mary and Joseph, who are discussing a threesome and never had a threesome. Mary states she will participate in Joseph’s two woman threesome if Joseph is willing to participate in Mary’s two man threesome. Joseph ponders the idea for a while and Mary then comes back stating, the two man threesome must occur first.

 

Should Joseph agree to Mary’s proposal? In this author’s opinion Joseph should not agree to it unless he is using the two woman threesome as a negotiating position to get his threesome. It is this author’s feeling Mary’s position has two flaws. The first flaw, people’s opinions change. Having one threesome does not guarantee another threesome will occur. It is quite possible after having the first threesome Mary may not want to have another threesome. In such a situation, Joseph agreed to the threesome but Mary has decided not to reciprocate leaving Joseph feeling, most likely, upset. This will leave Joseph feeling, to some extent, he cannot trust Mary and erode at their relationship.

 

Second flaw, having contact with the same gender can raise issues for many people. The idea, in its abstract, sounds plausible but when faced with making it a reality, can cause some people to rethink their decision. Depending on the statistics an individual is willing to accept, approximately 5% – 10% women are either lesbian or bisexual and the figure is about 1/2 for men. This means the vast majority are straight and the issue of same sex contact can pose a “mental roadblock,” for some. This means even though the person’s intention at the time was to go through with having the planned threesome, it is possible when they are confronted with the reality of having the second threesome they may change their mind.

 

The above scenario does not take into account other issues such as the first threesome brings up issues that prevents the other threesome from happening, Joseph changing his decision about having his planned threesome, or the issue of seeing their partner having sex with someone else. Nonetheless the two scenarios does highlight such an agreement is fluid and subject to change. This means anyone who makes a quid-pro-quo agreement regarding having a threesome should do so with the understanding that both threesomes are not guaranteed and that the decision is made on incomplete information. If such an agreement can be made with the understanding it is subject to change then hopefully it will limit any damage done to the relationship due to a change in decision.

 

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Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Mary Street

Introduction

It is Wednesday and excitement is building to the weekend when the threesome is will be happening. Every free moment ideas run rampant about what it is going to be like and what is going to happen. Discussions continue and refinements are made to the boundaries. Then finally it happens and everything about it is wonderful. At this point, it seems to be a perfectly executed threesome. Shortly after the thrill of the threesome begins wearing off, feelings begin to happen. Feelings of guilt, cheating / being cheated on, and remorse begin to take over. What happened? Why are these feelings happening? There are many possible answers to this question and to explore this topic in great detail will require a book. However, this author will briefly explore and provide their opinion on some of the more common reasons.

Social & Religious messaging about relationships

Western society programs its citizens from an early age, loving relationships involve two people and a sexual practice where another is invited into the relationship is deviant.  For many this messaging becomes a cornerstone on which our belief about relationships and partner selection is based.  Furthermore there are very limited role models that are open about alternative sexual practices and it leaves many who have an interest in the practice feeling participating in an activity like a threesome is in some how wrong. This can mean for some people, the idea of having a threesome remains abstract until it happens and once it does, it can trigger feelings that it is wrong because it is not socially or religiously accepted.

Impulsivity / Lack of Communication

Impulsivity in this blog takes on a slightly different meaning then its dictionary meaning. It means rushing to have a threesome without taking time to consider the idea, establish boundaries, and debrief afterwards.  Taking the necessary steps to have a threesome is vital. It allows for a discussion of the idea, a discussion of feelings, and it allows for the establishment of a safety net whereby each participant knows the limit of the planned threesome. Without taking the time to plan the threesome, important points will be missed. It is this author’s feeling negative feeling about having a threesome after it happens may mean the threesome went beyond a personal comfort level because of the lack of boundaries.  It could also mean debriefing, talking about the threesome and feelings, did not occur or it could mean since limited discussion occurred important points about the threesome where missed. Essentially the negative feeling under this heading is due to a lack of communication regarding having a threesome.

Communication

Unlike the above heading communication does occur. However in this circumstance the issue results from the wrong type of communication occurring, meaning necessary topics were not being discussed or not being discussed to the extent they should. The other problem with communication is the lack of understanding of what is being discussed. This could mean assumptions were being made, everyone had a different idea, or the topic was not clear. Essentially miscommunication was occurring.

Choosing the Third Person

Choosing the third person is vital to the success of a threesome, this author feels. Instead of taking the time to screen the individual and taking the time to ensure they fit; instead the couple opts for them because of their convenience.  Typical choice that is made based convenience maybe a friend, co-worker, or ex-lover. These choices, along with other possible choices, may mean there are some feelings and a relationship. By selecting someone where there is a relationship and at some level feelings, can lead to a conflict of feelings. The conflict arises from having sex with them and the history that exists. This means choosing the third person can have an impact on feelings afterwards.

Environment

Environment means where the threesome occurred, how it occurred, and the interaction of various components that makes up the threesome. This can be anything that can trigger feelings of cheating, such as visiting a cheap hotel in order to protect privacy, to getting drunk  and / or high to have the threesome.

The Individual

Unlike the reasons discussed in this blog that can trigger the feeling, this reason implies the individual has control over how feel and choose to respond to the feeling.

This author believes we are responsible for how we choose to feel about a situation. We can choose to have a threesome and then choose how we feel about it. For example Mary & George, a fictitious couple, choose to have a two female threesome and decide to define cheating as an intentional or reckless disregard for their agreed boundaries. Mary decides to have her first woman on woman experience, which is within their agreed boundaries. To her surprise she enjoyed it and found afterwards it created a flurry of emotions for her, including feeling as though she cheated. Mary has two choices.  She can choose to allow her feelings to dominate her thoughts and allow them to impact how she responds. Alternatively Mary can choose to accept, as a couple who defined cheating she did not cheat, and choose view the experience as an enjoyable experience that taught her something about herself.

Conclusion

What causes negative feelings, such as feeling as though you have cheated after a threesome? The answer can be quite complex that is dependent on the individual, the threesome, and their environment. Most likely a definitive answer cannot be given and the best that could be done is having the individual consider changing the way they view the event. Without having a positive view of the experience and talking about it afterwards, it is likely negative feelings will develop.

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FAQs about cuckolding

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

The leather pride flag, which has become a sym...

What is cuckolding?

Cuckolding refers to a committed couple whereby the woman has sex with someone outside of their relationship. It is done with the knowledge and consent of her partner.

With that said this author feels there are two forms of cuckolding. One form has elements of BDSM in particular domination / submission, which typically involves some form of humiliation. In this form it is the woman who takes on the dominant role and the male takes on the submissive role. Typically the woman will limit or withhold sex from her male partner while she is involved with another male. Also, it is common for the male to wear a male chastity device to prevent him from masturbating.

Second form involves sharing the experience. In this form of cuckolding there is no domination / submission with humiliation. Instead both agree to the experience and the woman finds a male lover outside of their relationship. Once she returns she will typically share the experience with her male partner. This may include not bathing and telling him about the experience while they have sex.

What is cuckqueaning?

It is the same as cuckolding except it is the male that takes on a lover outside of the relationship and generally speaking, this form is much less common than cuckolding. On this site, this author uses cuckolding to address both cuckolding and cuckqueaning.

How is cuckolding different than having a threesome?

Cuckolding differs from a threesome in two fundamental ways. The first way, cuckolding is more of an individual activity than a team activity. Unlike a threesome it is the woman who does most of the searching and it is her that will have sex with someone else without her partner being there.

Second way cuckolding is different, for the woman it means she is no longer monogamous to her partner but her partner remains, in most cases, monogamous.

This means cuckolding is a quasi-open relationship whereby the man has a less active role and the woman primarily plans her experience. The extent to which she shares the experience is primarily determined by the boundaries they have established.

Is cuckolding an open relationship?

In this author’s opinion, cuckolding can be a form of an open relationship and the test is how long it lasts. If it is something the couple tries a few times and then agrees not to incorporate in their lives then it is not. However, if it is something that continues and becomes a part of their life then this author feels it is a form of an open relationship that normally involves one partner remaining exclusive.

Would you recommend cuckolding to a couple who has no threesome or wife swapping experience?

No, without some group sex experience, such as threesome or wife-swapping, the couple is not fully aware of the issues involved. Typical issues include emotional reactions, communication, and the work needed to support the relationship. Group sex experience will not necessarily prepare the couple for cuckolding but it will give them some experience regarding the issues that they may face should they try cuckolding. Instead this author feels the right approach would be to start out with having a threesome and then let cuckolding evolve naturally from it.

What are three issues a couple may face if they try cuckolding?

Beyond the issues of pregnancy and STIs probably the most common issue will be jealousy. Jealousy will come in different forms such as feeling disconnected from your partner, feeling ignored or outright jealous. Another issue is communication. Again it can take different forms such as too much communication about what is occurring, too little communication, or not the right communication. If a couple tries cuckolding communication is going to be paramount to keeping their relationship together. Final issue, resolving feelings about cuckolding, cuckolding is a practice that is not readily accepted and very few people understand. This means there is very little support and it also means it can create a lot of feelings about participating in this type of experience. It is important if a couple is going to try this then both of them are confident in their choice.

Should I have my partner meet my lover before anything happens?

It comes down to your agreed boundaries but it is something this author recommends. Having them meet them will help both of you and ideally they should have the last say, if it happens. By doing this, it allows them to take part in the decision making process and it gives them the responsibility for agreeing. If they agree then they share the responsibility for the decision for cuckolding to occur.

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Why couples choose full threesomes

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

pregnancy test Introduction Previously this author talks about life being a journey and how cuckolding can be a part of that journey. Not everyone on life’s journey considers cuckolding and for others their journey leads them to a full-threesome. Why do some couples choose having a full-threesome over cuckolding? The answers are infinite but this author will explore three of them.

Defining Full Threesome

In order to discuss this topic it is important to define a full threesome. A full threesome is not soft-swinging and it involves maintaining emotional monogamy, which means the couple maintains an exclusive emotional bond even though the physical bond may be broken by having sex with someone else. Typically this is the type of threesome that is thought of when the word is discussed and it means all three are together with some interacting among them occurring. The interacting may not, necessarily be sexual and it involves all three being physically present.

Loosing the fear of pregnancy and solidifying the relationship

Anyone who has ever done any searching online for a threesome may notice there are two vague age groups. The first age group being early 20s and someone in their early 20s tends to be someone seeking a long-term relationship. Also, at this point, women become the dominant gender and means they out number their male counterpart leading to a surplus of men. From a social-biological standpoint, having a threesome can be a strategy employed by the female in order to keep the male interested. By having a threesome it shows to the male she is someone who is not jealous and is someone who is opened mind. Typically the number of times the threesome occurs is limited and the couple moves on to being monogamous. Another potential explanation at this age there is still a willingness to explore and take risks. This means, at this age, the individual(s) may not have had much long-term relationship experience and may be oblivious to the risks involved leading them to participate in a threesome without fully considering the risk. Even if they have some long-term relationship experience they may discount the risk and proceed anyway. The potential result being a successful threesome or damage to the relationship. The second age group tends to be late 30s – 50s. During this time two events occur. First event involves the woman entering menopause.   Some will argue increase influence of testosterone increases the woman’s sex drive and increases her interest in having a threesome. Second event during this time, any children in the home is most likely able to stay in the home unsupervised for a period of time and in some cases, may have already left the home. For a couple at this stage, it means there is less stress about worrying about child-care arrangements thereby allowing them to explore this part of their relationship. With that said another event tends to flow from these two life changing events, the lessening or removal of the fear of pregnancy. By middle-age family size has stabilized and most couples will have employed some strategy to limit the size of their (e.g. sterilization, long-term birth control such as NorPlant). Also, entering menopause means the risk of pregnancy decreases until menopause begins when pregnancy is no longer possible. Since the fear of pregnancy is reduced it allows the couple the opportunity to explore alternative sexual practices with lowered chance of pregnancy.

Relationship fixes

For some couples after a few years, the relationship becomes predictable and the reason why they became a couple is lost. This means a couple may turn to have a threesome to rekindle something that they feel has been lost. Unfortunately, a predictable relationship may be a sign of a deeper underlying problem, lack of communication. This author feels, the best way to fix this is to find a way of reconnecting instead of turning to a threesome. Sometimes other things occur in the relationship and the couple seeks a threesome to address the change. For example one member of the couple may discover they are bisexual or feel an open relationship might be right. Depending on the circumstances a threesome might be a realistic solution.

Fantasy

For some couples the idea of a threesome starts off as a fantasy and as the fantasy develops it becomes a focus for them until it happens. Fantasy does not mean talking about the idea, as a fantasy, during foreplay. It also includes watching porn or abstractly talking about the idea. The advantage here is the couple can use the fantasy to communicate their feelings about a threesome and it provides an avenue for discussion. However, the fantasy may lead the couple to believe the threesome will happen as they envision it without considering the threesome may not happen as expected. This could lead to unrealistic expectations about it and it may lead the couple to be unprepared for possible eventualities.

Conclusion

The reason a couple chooses a threesome depends to a large extent on their situation. However, a reason does seem to be a threesome may occur to solidify a relationship or something happens in the relationship that brings the idea to fruition. How the idea evolves and the reason for it will decide, this author feels, the extent to which a threesome will be successful.

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