Fantasy versus Reality of Having a threesome: Chapter 5 Resolving the Dilemma of Privacy versus Having a Threesome


Introduction

After much discussion agreement is reached beginning the search for the third. Going through profiles in order to research the site and get feel for the tone of the profiles reality hits, someone may know me / us? Likewise driving to meet someone who may have enough interest for a threesome a question comes up, what I / we do if we see someone we know? Maybe on the way back home to have the threesome, the question that was overlooked, do we have any identifiable information laying out that can be discovered? If it is a friend who is chosen then a lingering question becomes, will our friends find about the threesome? The above scenarios highlight an issue every threesome faces, the issue of privacy and how to protect yourself.

Like every decision, having a threesome carries risk and a risk is privacy. Privacy covers everything from knowing information about you that you would prefer not to be known to being exposed, ‘outted,’ as it sometimes referred. If your families, friends, co-workers know about your threesome lifestyle then being ‘outted,’ is not a risk. For those who are just starting out or those who work in public facing roles, this can have a devastating impact. This article will address this issue and provide an opinion regarding how to mitigate this issue.

Understanding the Risk:

This involves asking yourself, what is the worst that can happen if people knew? If your job has a moral turpitude clause in your contract or you work in a right-to-work state then it could mean the loss of your job. If the threesome involves someone who has decision about bids then it could be seen a bribery. In a public facing role then it could mean people treat you differently and depending on the role it could mean some type of action being taken against you. Short of these then the most likely outcome will be people who do not understand the decision. This could mean some loss of friends, friends who try to ‘fix you,’ because they do not agree with the decision, or distance from people who do not understand.

The other side to this is asking what happens if the person / couple that is invited knows about my personal life? For some this may not be an issue. However for others with children, in public facing roles, jobs that may be at risk, or do not want others knowing then the questions becomes, what is the impact if the other person(s) knew? Asking this becomes helpful in determining how much personal information about yourself you want to share and the risk of sharing it. The less you know about the person / people you are inviting then less personal information you should share.

Asking yourself, if the risk is worth it becomes paramount to any decision to have a threesome.

Coming up with a Plan:

After thinking about the risk of people finding out the next question becomes, how to deal with people if they find out. This might mean having specific approaches to different people. For a friend that is open-minded but who can be judgmental at times then saying, “I am not looking to be judged and it is my decision. It was a good experience but I do not know if I will do it again,” might be sufficient. Whereas a friend / family member who oppose the idea taking a stronger tone might be more appropriate such as, “I am not discussing it.”

In contrast those who might be supportive and want to know about it, the issue becomes what to share? This type of situation requires keeping the identity of the other(s) private and not providing any information that could identify them. Just because they may not know the other(s) you invited, it does not mean anyone else they tell may be able to deduce who they are from your description, in this situation ‘less is more.’

Protecting Your Identity and Information:

Thinking about the risk to your identity are who may cause issues is important starting point since it will help with taking the next step, knowing how to protect your identity and information. The greater the risk you face the more you will need to work at keeping your information private and your identity private. This means any conversation you have, any profile created, any ad, and any reply you need to have a consistent set of information. Simply put creating an alias that provides some basic information but hides information that can identify you, for example:

  • A couple living in Skokie, Ill becomes a couple living in the Chicago area.
  • Brad & Janet now becomes Mary & Joseph
  • A math teacher in for a high school in South Dakota becomes an educator
  • Age – never use your real age and tweak it bit by + / – 5 years
  • Height / measurements – never use your real measurements. Instead use approximates or words
    • 190 lb & 6’0 – can become slightly taller than average height with build in line with height
    • 275 lbs & 6’1 – can become tall with a large build
    • Hair color, eye color, skin tone, tattoos – avoid a lot of detail, keep it approximate, and avoid giving away information that can identify you
  • Length of marriage or relationship – is optional and keep it approximate. Instead of saying married 22 years instead say, married nearly 25 years.
  • Job – Is optional, if stated never state company and keep it vague like educator or engineer.
  • Family size – should never be stated unless children are over 18 and not living at home. Then profile / ad becomes children have left for university or are now married. In all situations this is optional.
  • Address or any other identifiable information – should never be listed.

Protecting your identity goes further, especially if you bring anyone to your place. Depending on your level of comfort you may want to put family photos, especially children photos, out of sight. Also any bank information, credit card, or any other information that could be used to steal your identity should be put out of sight.

If you are asked specifics about yourself then you will have to decide if it is relevant, why they need to know, and more importantly if you are comfortable disclosing it. Sometimes questions are asked as a part of conversation to be social and other times it is more about learning about you. The latter can be dangerous since it can lead to feelings developing and identifying who you are.

Dealing with Request for Information:

This can become a balancing act. If you withhold too much information then it may seem as though you are aloof and hiding something. However too much information you may risk exposure and potentially more. There is no simple answer to this beyond stating using your judgement, understanding the risk involved, and if necessary being assertive by stating, “I am not comfortable talking about that.”

Conclusion:

The above is an opinion regarding how to protect your privacy while having a threesome. Each situation is different the risk needs to be evaluated. The greater the adverse impact of having a threesome on your job and / or personal life then the greater the need for protecting your privacy. The more threesomes you have then the more you will learn the level of information that is required and the extent to which you need to protect yourself.

Evolution of a threesome relationship to an open relaitonship: Relationship structure, Multi-partner relationships, and Communication


Most of my writing regarding threesomes have focused on having a full-swap threesome, which is most peoples’ idea of a threesome. Nonetheless there is another aspect of having a threesome, the “open relationship.” Many people will wrongly confuse having a full-swap threesome with open relationship. Generally speaking, this perception is wrong; nonetheless, a threesome can involve into an open relationship. This article will explore how this can happen while looking at the potential risks and potential benefits.

To help put things into context let us assume there is a couple George and Martha who have been married for 25 years and after their youngest leaves for university decide to push the boundaries of their relationship. As a part of their exploration they decide to have a threesome with Mark, who is similar and age to them. They “hit it off” and the threesome they have is quite good. George enjoyed seeing Martha being please by another man and found it as validation of his wife’s desirability. After all of them having a good time then decide to meet again. It now raises the question is this an open relationship?

The answer to this, it depends. If for example George and Martha invite Mark back as a couple for another threesome then it is not an open relationship. Reason being both George & Martha are doing this as a couple and they are keeping their relationship emotionally monogamous. However, if they continue having threesomes with Mark whereby either George or Martha begins developing feelings for Mark then the question becomes how do they approach it? If the threesome relationship continues to develop into a polyamourous relationship, in this case sometimes referred to as a ménage de trios then it has developed into open relationship. Likewise if George and Martha decides to allow Martha to have sex along with Mark, such as cuckolding, then it would also be considered an open relationship.

Taking this a bit further what does it mean for George and Martha? If they are polyamorous route whereby Mark becomes an equal part of their relationship then it will mean, at a minimum, discussions about boundaries (e.g. how Martha will divide her time), how George and Mark will interact (e.g. will there male on male contact?) dealing with issues of jealousy, and devoting a lot of time to communication. Communication at this level is goes beyond basic social conversation that involves discussions regarding feelings, issues, and solving problems as they arise. This means for all three they must be able to communicate with each other, be assertive, and to be able to meet their needs while being able to meet the needs of the other two. Essentially this means each of them will have to invest a lot of their time into maintaining the relationship.

In contrast, if George and Martha opt for an open relationship where Martha is allowed to see Mark on her own then the question for them are they opting for a cuckolding relationship or a true open relationship. If the former is the case then it most likely means George will remain emotionally monogamous to Martha while she forms an emotional attachment to Mark. It also means that George and Martha will have to agree on boundaries and limits to this activity. Whereas, if the latter is their decision then Mark essentially becomes a secondary relationship for Martha. This will then mean for them they will have to agree if George is also able to pursue someone else outside of the relationship, agree on the ability to spend the night with their lovers, and communicate in order to address issues as they come up.

From a relationship risk stand point, a threesome relationship that continues can provide additional demands on the relationship in particular a greater need to communicate to address issues as they arise along with the risk of forming emotional attachment to the invited third person. Without communication including discussing issues as they are arise it is likely the couple will miss something that will adversely impact their relationship. Therefore it is important after every threesome that the couple work the any issues that arise, discuss their feelings including their feelings towards the invited third person, and discuss their next step. Without taking these basic steps the couple may put their relationship at risk.

Why does my spouse / girlfriend want a mfm instead of fmf?


Imagine for a moment your spouse / girlfriend comes tells you that they want a threesome. At first there is a rush of excitement and a feeling of being carefree like a child of 10 at the start of summer vacation. As she goes on telling you about her threesome you realize she is asking for a two male threesome, why?

In response to requests from visitors I will explore this topic and provide some opinions as to why a woman might prefer a two male threesome instead of inviting another woman.

She is heterosexual, straight: Depending on the statistics you want to accept only 2% – 10% of women are bisexual. This means at least 9 out of 10 women are straight and prefer having two men instead of inviting another woman.

Women invest more time into relationships: Generally speaking, women have more invested in a relationship and spend more time investing in their relationship. This means inviting another woman for a threesome can be seen as a threat to the relationship by her since more of her identity is based on relationship.

Society’s Messaging / Sexual Roles / Religion: This author believes, society teaches women from an early age that relationships are important, to be complete she must have a monogamous relationship with a man and have a family. In order to this she must put her husband’s and family’s needs a head of her own. Through this journey she suppresses a part of herself, her needs, and a suppresses a part of her needs. By having a threesome she is able to, for that period of time, free herself and to meet her needs. I am not saying that women are not monogamous, instead I am saying for some women having a two male threesome gives her a way to put the demands made on her and a gives her a route to discover herself.

Confirmation of desirability / attractiveness:
Having a two male threesome for a woman can confirm for her that she is still attractive and desired. This can also work in her boyfriend / husband’s favor too since it confirms for him that he has a girlfriend / spouse that is desired by other men.

Emotions/ Jealousy / Anger: For some women having feelings can be so strong that inviting another woman might be seen as a threat. Conversely inviting another woman may mean some courting is needed thereby increasing the chance that an emotional attachment is made. Having a two male threesome for a woman may be a safer choice since it may mean less of a chance of developing emotional bonds since her boyfriend / spouse is her focus.

Mechanics / Anatomical & Physiological : A woman has the capacity of multiple orgasms and the potential for longer sustainability. By having a two male threesome it allows her to have sex multiple times in one evening with different partners.

Polyamory / Ménage de Trios: It is possible that she may have an interest in having multiple partners and multiple relationships with her primary relationship being with her boyfriend / spouse. However this would need to be clarified once the topic is discussed.

Finally: With that said, this author feels each reason does not operate in isolation and there is potentially some overlap between the reasons. This means there can be multiple reasons influencing the her decision towards having a two male threesome versus having a two female threesome. If there is a solution my feeling it would reside in giving her time along with making her feel secure that the relationship could survive a two female threesome. This does not mean she will ultimately agree to have one. Nonetheless it does mean there are potential reasons for him not wanting it and provide some solace in understanding.

Identifying potential time waster replies and fake profiles


Painting by Édouard-Henri Avril: two men and a...

Time waster real or imaginary?

Imagine for a moment, you have joined a web-site looking for a potential third person to join you for a threesome and now the replies are flowing. How do you identify fake replies or replies form time-wasters?

In response to a request from a follower, I have decided to write about reviewing profiles and replies in determining if they are a potential time-waster. Also I will discuss some of the topics that tend to come up such as sending photos and identifying married men claiming to be single.

I struggled a bit writing this with this since by writing this, I would be alerting potential time-wasters that some of their tricks are known and it might make it more difficult to spot them. Nonetheless, I felt educating my followers was more important and I will give a few pointers. Even though I am giving a few pointers, it does not mean it will identify all time-wasters and it may potentially identify legitimate replies as being time-wasters. Therefore it is imperative anyone reading this uses it as a guide and use their own experience for identifying time-wasters.

Hallmarks in Profile / Ad:

  • Elusive or very vague Ad / Profile
  • Short ad / profile lacking any details
  • Poor grammar and / or spelling
  • Arrogant, narcissistic, and / or inflated sense of self
  • Incorrect or overuse of lifestyle terminology.
  • Ad uses lifestyle terminology makes the ad awkward.
  • Attempts to make themselves look legitimate
  • Lack of warmth, friendliness, and the ad is not very inviting.
  • Ad / Profile style, content, information, or tone seems similar to another / other profiles on the site

Hallmarks in Replies

Usually there are a few hallmarks, signs, in the reply that may alert you that you may have received a reply from a potential time-waster, these signs include:

  • A rush to meet – (e.g. I do not waste my time with emails, when are we meeting?)
  • Push for photos (e.g. How do I know you are legitimate without a photo?)
  • Game playing / manipulation (e.g. delaying meeting, showing aggressiveness in replies, etc)
  • Name calling or stating you are not a legitimate couple (You are not a legitimate couple wanting a threesome, if you are then we would have met.)
  • Focus on one member of the couple and not seeing you as a couple (I love to eat pussy and can please the ladies)
  • Belief that there is a problem in the relationship and seeing themselves as the solution (You would not be looking for a threesome if your husband could please you in bed)
  • Profile and replies not in sync. This is typical for married men who claim to be single. For example their profile may state they are single and free to meet any-time. However when you suggest a meet, for example on a weekend evening, their reply states they cannot meet on the weekend due to the kids.

The main thing to remember is the decision to have a threesome resides with you. It cannot happen without your consent and it needs to happen at a speed that you are comfortable with. If you are getting pushed to meet before you are ready or being pushed for photos to prove you are legitimate then the person is not right for you.

Identifying Married Men who claim to be Single

There are some out there who believe having a threesome with a married man whose wife does not know is acceptable. However, from my perspective I believe it open the threesome up to a lot of drama and married men should be avoided. Below are some potential hallmarks of a reply from a married man:

  • Changes meeting time or day at last moment
  • States he cannot meet at a time when previously states he was available
  • Elusive about being married and may use terms liking dating or in a long-term relationship to avoid answering the question directly. May attempts o skirt the issue or minimize the fact he is married (e.g. “I am in a loveless marriage that has been over for years and we are staying together for the kids.”)
  • May state wife is agreeable to him having a threesome without her. If he states wife is agreeable to him being a threesome then ask to speak to the wife and actually speak to her since. If they are in an open relationship then the wife should have no issues speaking to you.

Sending Photos

With technology to alter photos and to copy photos from the Internet, I do not believe sending a photo in the beginning proves legitimacy. All it proves, I believe, is you are able to send a photo via email and it does not prove you are a couple. The issue I have with sending photos is it proves nothing while at the same time it potentially opens you up for your photo being shared on the Internet. This means if you send an R rated or X rated photo then be prepared that you may find it being shared on different web sites since once you send the photo you no longer have any control over it. If you have a job that is public facing or friends / family that are sensitive then be careful about what you send. Ideally, this author feels, if photos are going to be exchanged then they should only be exchanged after you have spoken with them and both of you send photos as I way to identify each other when you meet in public.

Posting photos in your profile / ad

In regards to using a photo in your profile / ad, as an author, I have a different view. I do not believe it is necessary. However, I do feel, people do relate to photos and it may help with receiving more replies. Also, I feel, it might help in limiting replies from time-wasters. However, any photo should not show other people and definitely should not include any children. The type of photo to include can be:

  • A photo of you shot at a distance, in order not to show detailed facial features if you are concerned about privacy and be prepared that someone might know it is you. A good example is vacation / holiday photo.
  • Partially naked or naked photo shot below the head. This is good for privacy concerns.
  • Partially naked or naked photo showing head if privacy or people you know finding out is not an issue
  • If you are a couple then a photo of you as a couple. Again shot from the distance if you are concerned about privacy and be prepared that someone might know it is you. A good example is vacation / holiday photo.

How long should corresponding take?

There is no set time limit to number of replies to corresponding before meeting. A person that is truly interested in meeting and having a threesome with you will give you the necessary time before you are ready. This means there should be no pressure tactics or manipulation being used to get you to agree meet in person before you are ready and have taken the necessary steps to plan for your safety.

Can I end the correspondence without seeming like a time-waster?

Just because you send an email asking for further information and to explore the potential of meeting for a threesome does not mean you have to meet. You or the other can end corresponding before meeting. The reason for ending the correspondence can be varied from not having enough interest / attraction to a change in mind about having a threesome.

If proper etiquette is followed then an explanation for ending the correspondence is not needed but if you are asked keep it simple, “I / we are pursuing other interests at the moment and thank you for your interest.” This should be sufficient and if you are pressed for a more detailed explanation then state you will not provide a further explanation.

Realities and Myths – Personal Biases

This section is meant to draw a contrast with the above sections to highlight time-waster is perceptual. When we begin this journey of reviewing and replying ads there is a tendency of being everything to everybody. After doing it a few times and realizing it is not possible since everyone has their own preference. Furthermore, you will learn that your profile appeases a certain segment of the site and as couple you are drawn to certain types of profiles. The challenge lies in finding a way for both of them to be in sync. If not it raises some fundamental questions surrounding expectations, the type of person that is interested, and approach being used. By developing an awareness and accepting that not everyone is going to be drawn to you, it is possible to eliminate those who are compatible rather then perceiving them as time wasters.

Comments

If you have any comments or insights about spotting time-wasters please feel free to share them.

Planning a threesome: A communication and issues perspective


English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...What does planning a threesome entail?

Questions and Threesome Philosophy

Recently I started thinking about what is involved with planning a threesome, what is involved in having a threesome, and why it is sometimes better not to have a threesome.  I am not speaking about an aspect of having a threesome, such as trying to debunk some of the myths surrounding having a threesome which is common to my writing, but trying to articulate what a threesome can mean.

I am one who believes if an individual in one breath suggests a threesome then in the next breadth begins suggesting people to join them for a threesome deserves anything bad a threesome may bring them. Why? That individual is not thinking through what is involved in having a threesome and may be viewing having a threesome as quick way to get laid with ‘no strings attached.’ My own threesome philosophy is based on believing having a threesome challenges a couple by forcing them to speak about things that most couples do not speak about, having to accept a decision that will forever change their relationship, and deal with the outcome of having a threesome. This means having a threesome will change the relationship, for better or worse, and before undertaking a decision to change a relationship some consideration must be given. In order to arrive at making a decision a couple needs to take time in understanding what it will mean for them. It also means having to ask themselves some very tough questions such as:

  • Can I watch my partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Am I prepared to have sex with someone else while my partner / spouse watches
  • Can I have sex with someone for pleasure without developing feelings for them
  • How will I feel about myself afterwards
  • How will I feel about my spouse / partner afterwards
  • What are the risks
  • What boundaries will I need to feel secure in having a threesome
  • What activities should not happen because I am too uncomfortable either performing them or seeing my partner / spouse performing them on someone else
  • What do we / I need to do to help ensure this relationship will survive having a threesome
  • What do I need to do to support my partner after having a threesome
  • How do we reconnect physically and emotionally after having a threesome
  • What safe-sex practices do we need to follow
  • Where will the threesome occur
  • What type of person will we invite
  • Will there be an impact on my job or my partner’s / spouse’s job if we are discovered
  • How are we going to find the third person
  • How are we going to share the responsibility in finding the third person
  • What are we going to communicate to the third person about our boundaries and our relationship

The above list of questions is not an exhaustive list and the answers will change based on where the person is in the threesome process and their attitude towards having a threesome. This means there has to be some research, some introspection, and some discussions regarding issues surrounding having a threesome along with the issues surrounding the relationship in order to understand what having a threesome will mean. Without having some discussions it leaves a big risk that something has been missed and by missing it the relationship will be adversely impacted.

Communication: Initial Discussion

This brings up the question, how far should the conversations go and how long should they last? The answer is as long as necessary until there is a common understanding, there are no outstanding issues and a common agreement is reached. For some couples it could be a few short conversations due to previous experiences with threesomes and previous conversations. However for other couples it could means a long-time due to issues that arise that needs addressing before having a threesome. Also, this means these conversations continue from the time the suggestion of having a threesome is made until each individual feels they have no lingering issues from having a threesome. Finally for others it means having a threesome never materializes because a common framework could not be established.

At some point these conversations are going to raise the question, are we ready to have a threesome? There is no formula or magical answer to this question. Instead this is a judgement call for the couple. Ideally, this author feels, a couple is ready when they feel they are ready after talking through the issues and feel they have the same understanding, sometimes referred to as “being on the same page,” about the threesome. Once they begin their search they should continue discussing issues especially the type of person to be invited, their boundaries, and feelings that the search might elicit.

Meeting the Third Person & the Threesome: Issues and Communication

Once they have found a potential “playmate,” third person, it will most likely make what was, for the most part, an exercise in finding someone and it will make having a threesome real. Essentially this is the point where the idea of having a threesome is no longer an abstract and intangible idea; now it is quite tangible and real. At this point it is quite likely that they will face some anxiety and uncertainty. Also, at this point time is running out if they want to make any last minute changes to their boundaries or change their mind. As soon a threesome begins they cannot reverse what happens. Therefore, it is imperative if there are any lingering issues or uncertainty about having a threesome they are address, otherwise it will be too late.

Depending on how the couple has planned their threesome there might be some social conversation and social time together with the third person. This can give them a chance to learn about the third person and make their final decision about having a threesome. Furthermore they should expect, at some point, the conversation will change from socially acceptable conversation to sex. Such a change in conversation makes it likely that flirting will occur along with some displays of affection (e.g. kissing and intimate touching). Such a change in conversation and behavior indicates that any initial meeting place be tolerant of such behaviors. Also, it implies that the couple should expect such displays, encourage such behavior if they want the threesome to occur and be accepting of it.

Before the threesome occurs and after getting beyond the social conversation lays a difficult area for inexperienced couples to navigate, the transition. Transition, is the “point of no return,” it is the point where the threesome is about to happen and if it is to be stopped then it needs to occur before it goes any further. In getting past this point certain cues need to be given and accepted. For a couple they need to let the invited third person to know they want to proceed. There are several ways they can do this:

  • They can tell them it is alright
  • Suggest moving to the bedroom or a more appropriate room
  • Some form of sexual encouragement is given that is short of penetration (e.g. taking hand to feel breast).
  • Changing into something more revealing
  • Undressing
  • Playing games such as strip poker

After the couple successfully completes the transition the next phase is the threesome. At this point they are either undressed or in some form of semi-undressed. It is the point where the couple faces the power of their decision. They can be confronted with:

  • Seeing their partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Having sex with someone else while their partner / spouse watches
  • Seeing someone else sexually please their partner / having someone else sexually please them
  • Most likely having intense feelings ranging from fear and loss to a high state of arousal
  • Needing to manage feelings in order to keep feelings from overrunning
  • Seeing things that may not correspond to the reality of the situation (e.g. partner being sexually aroused by someone else and that arousal may be due to the threesome and not an attraction to the individual)
  • Possibly smell of sex in the room
  • Having an intense orgasm / watching their partner having an intense orgasm
  • Sexual performance issues
  • Comparing body and genitals with the third person
  • Knowing their partner / them can be sexually attracted to someone else
  • Fear of pregnancy, if mfm or fmf
  • Fear of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs
  • Issues of bisexuality

Then after the threesome other issues arise such has managing contact with the third person afterwards and reconnecting as a couple.

Conclusion

Having a threesome means being sociable, assertive, and being an extrovert. It also means knowing your limits, being able to communicate those limits, and being able to effectively communicate with others about their limits. For a couple who wants a threesome it will mean discussing topics that most couples will not discuss in their lifetime together, being faced with a situation that they choose to confront, and it means putting their relationship at risk in order to have a sexual experience. Many couples chose that risking their relationship for a threesome is not worth it but for those who do face uncertainty. The impact of the threesome may not be felt for days, weeks, months, or years. However with enough planning, investing enough in the relationship, and communicating then it is a realistic expectation that a threesome will provide an enjoyable experience. Finally this article shows there is more than enough reason not to have a threesome but for those who choose to take this journey hopefully this article helps to highlight a possible path for you.