Imagine your significant other stating, “I want a threesome,” and with those four words, your world suddenly changes. All of a sudden a flurry of emotions hit you and it feels as though your relationship is over. After the emotions hit then the deluge of questions come: How could they suggest it? Why am I not good enough? Are they bisexual? Don’t they love me? These are some of the questions that play like a tape in your head. How do you respond? Do you cry, get upset, or deal with it rationally? It seems beyond any logical explanation as to why after years of being together your partner suddenly suggests a threesome. Before responding, it might be worth reading this article and thinking through your response.
Reality, there are many reasons as to why your partner may have suggested a threesome that seems, ‘out of the blue’ and the starting point is to examine the events leading up to the suggestion in order to get some context. This article will examine some of the possible reasons and perceived reasons why they may ask for a threesome.
They have someone in mind
It is possible there is someone else and by asking the right questions it will become clearer. Even if they have approached someone it could mean they are overly enthusiastic about the idea because they thought you would agree and therefore, it is important that you speak with them about it before deciding there reason for wanting a threesome is because they want to be with someone else.
They no longer love me
If they were no longer in love with you then most likely they will not suggest a threesome and probably opt for cheating or leaving the relationship.
They are gay / bisexual
This is a possible explanation especially if there are other signs that indicate this. It could be that they are curious about what it is like to be with someone of the same gender. If there is a curiosity then it may be something they want to explore and after no more than few times it may be something that they loose interest in doing. In many situations this is most likely not the situation and another explanation may better explain the reason.
It could be they are sharing a fantasy with you and as the fantasy is shed for the reality of having a threesome, they may either loose interest or they are moving slower to make the idea happen.
Friend / Co-worker is bragging about their experience
Unlike 5 or 10 years ago, having a threesome is less taboo. This means people are more willing to talk about the experience and share their experience with their friends or co-workers. When these stories are shared typically the more salacious details are disclosed in order to make it more interesting while ignoring the rest. If this is the case your partner became intrigued with the idea after hearing about their friend’s / co-worker’s experience.
Trust / Opportunities
Your partner may have an enlightened view of relationships and sex. It is possible they have suggested having a threesome as a way to demonstrate that they trust you and they do not want you to feel confined to a relationship. Essentially they want to give you an opportunity to explore your sexuality and develop a relationship with you.
Solidifying the relationship
This can happen early in a relationship. Typically the woman suggests by the threesome in order to show their partner they are sexually adventurous and can be open minded. Normally the threesome is done as a one-off or a few times before the couple becomes monogamous.
Comfort / Security
Your partner may feel comfortable and secure in the relationship. Thereby, suggesting a threesome shows they do not see it as a threat to the relationship and would like to explore the idea. This does not mean that they have fully thought through the idea nor does it guarantee that the threesome will be successful. Instead it suggests a person who feels the relationship is working and would like to do some exploration.
Taking the next step / misread cues
Your partner may have suggested the idea during foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of having sex. They may have assumed because you seemed open to the idea then that you will be open to the idea now.
Your partner’s view and beliefs about relationships
It may be your partner has a progressive view regarding sex and relationships; by suggesting a threesome they may be communicating to you their ideas of where they want to see the relationship go.
Normally this is not the case, but if the relationship has become stale or mundane then suggesting a threesome could indicate that it is be sought in order to ‘fix’ the relationship.
A typical time to see this happening, this author believes, is during the ages mid 30 – 50s or when children leave home. Also after a life event that forces some self-reflection and forces a change in behavior. Finally as we grow older and have different experiences our views change. It is possible someone, when younger, opposed threesomes but as they age their views change. Therefore it is possible attitudes towards having a threesome have changed due aging and experience.
Sees you as their life-partner / soul mate
There is a theory that states, threesomes is a method of ensuring that a relationship endures by giving their partner the freedom to have other sexual partners while doing openly within the confines of their relationship. By providing the freedom to have other sexual partners it minimizes the risk of cheating and helps improve communication thereby helping maintaining the relationship. This is backed up by some statistics that shows approximately 25% of couples who have been married more than 10 years have had at least one threesome. While 25% is well below half, it is about twice as much of the general population thereby suggesting for some couples it does have a role.
As an author, I am well aware of the ethical dilemma studying an issue of threesomes in married life can cause. Since more statistics regarding threesomes are surveys and heavily influenced by how the question is written and who answers the question, I do not put a lot of weight on them.
Regarding the validity and reliability of the above theory, I believe there is some merit to it since life-expectancy is growing. However, as an author, I believe there is a lot more that goes into a successful relationship than having a threesome and I believe it maybe one element, if done correctly and for the right reasons, can contribute to it.
Finally / Conclusion
The above are generic explanations as for possible reasons why your partner might unexpectedly suggest a threesome. It does not mean the above list is an exhaustive list covering all possible explanations. Instead it is means there are many reasons why they may have suggested it; thereby requiring you to think about your feelings on the subject based on their suggestion and speaking with your partner about their reasons for suggesting a threesome before giving a reply. Only by speaking to them and putting into context their reason will you begin to understand their reason for suggesting the idea and by speaking with them about it, will it help to improve your relationship with them. Finally whatever you decide should be based on your beliefs on what you feel is best for you and not what others want.
- Understanding the basic difference between wife swapping and threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Reconnecting afer a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Relationship requirements for a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Threesome myths (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Problems with quid pro quo as a negotiating position for threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Questions regarding overcoming resistance to threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Why some couples choose full threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Having the initial discussion (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2 (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Questions for a couple to ask the third person (3somes.wordpress.com)