Mixed Signals – What do they mean?


The lights are low, your partner is in the mood and then you bring up your fantasy of having a threesome. Shockingly, your partner is receptive to the idea of having a threesome and they are getting quite aroused by the idea. By seeing them aroused, you begin believing your fantasy is about to come true. However, they cum and fall asleep then the next morning you attempt to plan the threesome only to find they no longer want to go through with it. What has happened in less than 24 hours? Does this sound familiar?

Most likely the above situation, at a minimum, leads to confusion and at worst leads to conflict in the relationship. Mixed signals, as it is sometimes termed, can be confusing for those wanting to have a threesome a threesome but lack the understanding of the process. This type of situation is common when there is, typically at some level, an interest in having a threesome but the individual is conflicted about having a threesome. The conflict stems, this author believes, from resolving the desire to have a threesome against various other sources such as personal beliefs, society’s expectations, religious beliefs, and the individual’s previous experience with the topic. It does not mean, at their core they want to have a threesome and looking for approval to have one. Instead it means there is openness to the subject but the person’s beliefs is preventing them from embracing the idea. Essentially this means they find the fantasy of having a threesome arousing but when confronted with the realities of having a threesome; it means there is some reservation about going through with it.

This leads to another topic, understanding the difference between fantasy and the reality of having a threesome. In the fantasy threesome you are the director, the actor, the writer, and have control over the scene. It means you can control the outcome, the reactions, and how it sets up. However, in reality you are one of three individuals in the threesome and you are the one who has control over your reactions. By being responsible for your reactions, it means you are not in control of the other two.

Is there a way to overcome their resistance? Personal beliefs are very difficult to overcome since it forms the person’s personality and it is based on a lifetime of learning. Instead the best way to handle this situation is not to pressure, manipulate, coerce, or get the person high / drink to get your threesome. Instead it is best to leave the subject alone for a period of time, working on building your relationship with them, and work at making them feel secure in their relationship with you.  Then after a period of at least year, coming back to the subject and seeing if there is a change and if there is a change then it may mean they have had time to process the idea. However, if they are still resistant to it then it may be something that does not materialize or it may mean it may take years before they are ready.

Having a threesome is not a sprint but more like a marathon. It is important to pace yourself, to plan it out, and to give it time without pressure. Also it is important to remember, there is no fixed time for a threesome to happen and each threesome happens on their own time. If it does not happen then it is important to remember to love your partner / spouse for who they are and not for what they can give you.  If you can do that then you will be happy whatever they outcome maybe.

Threesome Variations


Introduction

To many, defining the different types of threesomes is arbitrary and is nothing more than an academic exercise Nonetheless, defining types of threesomes is important because it helps in ensuring everyone has the same understanding thereby making communicating easier. Also, it helps to ensure those participating in the threesome understand the implied expectations.

A part of my hope in writing this couples who are considering threesomes will use this as a guide in determining what type of threesome might be suited for them. Therefore, I would not necessary expect this to be read like a story and instead I would expect it to be used as a reference.

Next, this author mentions friend with benefit since it is this author’s feeling friend with benefit fits under the heading of a secondary open relationship and it shares characteristics with a threesome.

Finally, in this article, I will do a basic overview but before beginning my discussion, I do need to define the term monogamy since it is integral to the topic of threesomes.

Monogamy Definition

Defining monogamy is important because it will help a couple define how far they are willing to go with having a threesome and it will help the reader understand how the threesomes differ in their practices. In addition, it will make it easier for the rest of this article if there is a common definition of monogamy. Essentially monogamy can be broken down into two parts, physical and emotional.

Physical Monogamy

Physical monogamy is what most couples think of when they hear the word monogamy essentially means sexual contact is exclusive to the couple. This means the couple does not have sexual contact with people outside of their relationship.

Emotional Monomgamy

Whereas neglecting emotional monogamy from the discussion regarding monogamy is common but it is essential for understanding threesomes. Emotional monogamy means the couple maintains an exclusive emotional bond that they do not share with anyone else and if they have a threesome the type of activity they seek out is an activity that focuses on the physical aspect of sex. This means the couple will work at keeping themselves emotionally detached from the invited third person and work at maintaining that bond. At this point if you are a bit confused, do not worry, as it will become more apparent as you further read.

Traditional Threesome

Non-penetrative Threesomes

Role Playing

Role-playing by definition is acting out a scene that involves a third person joining the couple for sex and the defining characteristic of role-playing is the idea of having a threesome remains a fantasy.  Even though it remains a fantasy, it does not mean the couple cannot incorporate some realistic. It mean for a couple that wants to test their level of comfort with the idea may go as far as going into public where one member of the couple interacts with someone in public and then discuss their level of comfort after it happens in order to determine what their next step may be. Such a test may give a couple a general idea of how they would feel seeing their partner becoming intimate with someone else, in their presence, but it is not an absolute indicator. In comparison, some couples may take a more conservative approach by designing their scene in the bedroom and using toys as a way of simulating the third person.

monogamy and Soft-swinging

Definition of soft swinging has many variations. Some definitions are very restrictive that does not involve activity beyond a voyeur for the invited third person and some definitions are quite liberal that will include oral sex. At least for me, regardless of the definition the key element of soft swinging is no penetration with the invited person. This could mean in a two women threesome the women perform oral on each other but it becomes questionable if some form of penetration occurs. In addition, it means in a two-woman threesome that there is no sex occurring between the male and the invited woman and likewise in a two male threesome the invited male does not have sex with either member of the couple. Therefore, physical and emotional monogamy is possible in this type of threesome.

Penetration

Full-swap

Characteristics

Regardless of the form, the threesome takes there are two features that define it. First characteristic is this type of threesome is short-term. Short-term means from an one-off situation to a threesome with the same group for a period of no more than two years but in most cases the threesome ends much sooner than that. This means that the couple and the invited third person maintain a boundary that keeps the couple from incorporating the third person into the couple’s relationship and allows the couple to maintain an emotional distance from third person. By keeping an emotional distance, it allows the couple to maintain their emotional monogamy and enjoy the physical aspects that the threesome provides them. It also means the attraction by couple does not need to be a complete physically, emotionally, and intellectually attraction to the third person. Their attraction only needs to be to the level where the decision about having sex with the third person and this means they will have a greater choice of people to choose from since for this type of a threesome the attraction does not need to be complete.  Because of the incomplete attraction, developing friendships that goes beyond the threesome does not normally happen and means the decision time about having a threesome with that person is shorter. Typically, the relationship will end because the threesome with the third person is no longer useful, it was a one-off situation, or feelings were developing thereby causing the threesome to end. Essentially this means, for lack of a better word, the third person becomes a tool for the couple to enhance their pleasure.

Second characteristic is that both members of the couple are equally involved in the threesome. This does not mean that each individual in the couple has equal time in the threesome. Instead, it means both members of the couple are involved in the threesome and share the responsibility for having it.

Traditional threesome

This is the very traditional threesome whereby sex will occur between the invited person and the couple. However, the couple remains emotionally monogamous to each other.  There is a full spectrum of activity. It can mean one member of the couple takes on a voyeur role, watching, to full participation. It could also mean that one member of the couple leaves the room while their partner and the invited third person has sex.

Cuckold

Grouping cuckold under traditional threesomes instead of open relationships because a cuckold I feel a cuckold has more in common with the traditional threesome than an open relationship. A cuckold takes, takes one of two forms. One form is a part of BDSM play that involves humiliation, typically female domination and involves an open relationship, which the one who is being cuckold remains monogamous. For me this is out of the scope of this piece and I will not discuss here. Second form resembles more of the traditional type of threesome or an open relationship. Under the more traditional threesome, the cuckold occurs as either a one-off or very limited time meeting. This type of threesome occurs as a shared experience whereby one member of the couple goes off to have sex with someone else and then shares the experience with their partner.

Dogging

This is a threesome variation that is common in Britain and there are sites dedicated to this activity in Britain. Dogging basically involves going to a known dogging location and meeting strangers for sex. Typically it is a couple that drives to a dogging location and invites another / others to either watch or participate. From a safety standpoint this practice does pose a risk to personal safety and it can involve a risk to privacy especially if an arrest is made.

Friends with Benefits

Arguably, this is not a form of a threesome, nonetheless it does share characteristics of a threesome. The defining feature of a friend with benefits is a secondary open non-monogamous relationship and the focus is sex instead of forming a relationship. It means both individuals in the relationship are either involved with someone else in a primary relationship or have the option of being involved with someone else.

Poly / Ménage a Trios

Typically the term manage a trios is interchangeably used with threesomes. Nonetheless, a ménage a trio is a specific type of threesome. It is situation where all are in the relationship and all are equals in the relationship. This means that a ménage a trios relationship is unlike a traditional threesome in the sense that a relationship is formed with the third person. In addition, a ménage a trios relationship is unlike an open relationship because there is not a distinction between primary and secondary relationships. Essentially this means the third person, in theory has an equal say in the relationship but from a practical standpoint in order for this type of relationship to survive, this author feels there has to be some type of hierarchical order. Hierarchical order generally means invited third is a more submissive thereby understanding their role in the relationship and not being a threat to the other member of the same gender.

Open Relationship

One of the confusions regarding threesomes, I believe, is equating threesomes with open relationships. My feeling they share similar characteristics and there is some overlap. However, I do feel there is a distinction between threesomes and open relationships.  Open relationship is unique in the sense that it allows the formation of multiple relationships with various levels of emotional involvement with each partner. This means that they can be one-night stand, short-term relationships, or a relationship that is ongoing that lasts for years. For an open relationship to exist it does not mean both partners have to form another relationship outside of their relationship. Instead, it could mean that one partner forms a relationship with someone outside of their relationship and the other person remains physically monogamous.

The defining feature of an open relationship that separates it from ménage a trios is the formation of primary and secondary relationships. Primary relationship is arguably the couple’s relationship that takes priority over any relationship formed outside of the relationship, secondary relationship. This means unlike a poly / ménage a trios relationship there is less involvement of other half of the couple and a lot of the activity may be done without much knowledge. It also means another defining feature of an open relationship versus ménage a trios is the focus on individual involvement and knowledge versus couple.

It does not mean that the couple maintains the relationship for appearances sake and they are two individuals living together. Instead, it means, based on the boundaries established regarding this activity, the information regarding their partner’s activity is much more limited and other factors such as allegiance to their lover can factor more heavily in deciding what information to share. Essentially an open relationship can mean knowing less detail about what is occurring but it means more work by the couple to keep their relationship together.

Threesome Safety – An Overview


 

Safety Harbor Pier cloudy sunrise

 

Introduction

 

Up to now the topics regarding threesomes has looked at a threesome from various perspectives while alluding to safety. Considering safety does not mean taking the fun out of having a threesome; instead it means creating an environment where everyone feels they are able to enjoy themselves because they do not have to worry about potential injury. This means safety is an intangible aspect of having a threesome that underpins much of the process and requires consideration of many intrinsic factors. Without planning for safety it may mean an essential part of having a threesome is being overlooked and may put the couple’s relationship, physical safety, and sexual health at risk. Finally is important to remember this is not an exhaustive treaty on the subject and it is done as a brief overview in order to give couples a foundation for further discussions as they plan their threesome.

 

Sexual Safety:

 

 

 

This is the easiest point to start the discussion since it is a topic people are familiar with at some level. Sexual safety means more than practicing safe-sex, it means avoiding unnecessary risks that can damage your sexual health. It means looking at the details of what is being planned and ensuring that what is being planned will not have an impact on anyone’s health at a later date. Examples include properly cleaning “toys” before using them, not going bareback with someone, not using lubricants that can breakdown a condom, informing your partner if you believe you have been exposed to a STI, allowing a chance to bathe, and changing condoms when switching between anal and vaginal penetration. Essentially sexual safety means respecting everyone enough that extra measures are considered and communicating additional information so that sexual health is not put at risk.

 

Personal Safety:

 

 

 

Personal safety and emotional safety has some overlap. Since there is some overlap this section will focus more on the physical aspects of personal safety and to some extent address the issue of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person. It is impossible to speak about every possible risk to personal safety that might theoretically arise in a threesome situation and this section will take a broad brush stroke over the topic.

 

Overview

 

Stating point regarding personal safety is our “inner voice.” All of us have an “inner voice” that tells us if something is not right. However in a threesome situation if it does not feel right, if you feel there is something not right about the situation, or the situation make you feel uncomfortable then it is best not to ignore that “inner voice.” Most likely the “inner voice” is warning you about a risk to your personal safety.

 

Another point regarding personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where your safety becomes at risk. There are some who feel to “get in the mood” they need to drink or use drugs. There is nothing wrong with a social drink in order to get the conversation flowing and to relax everyone. However the issue becomes when having more than a social drink or using drugs can lead to fuelling emotions such as, when are watching your partner having sex with someone else in front of you and such activities makes it more likely that the individual will participate in risky behavior that they would not normally do when sober. Undertaking risky behavior can result in boundaries being broken, unnecessary exposure to STDs / STIs, and in some cases risk of pregnancy. It is therefore better to be in control of the situation and to make appropriate decisions then to make a decision based on the “heat of the moment” only to regret it later.

 

Final point, which ties in to the next part of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person, is examining the planned threesome from a personal safety perspective. It means examining the planned threesome and then trying to identify where potential safety issues may exist. From there then determining the likelihood of it happening, and asking if it did happen why would be impact of the outcome? Purpose of this exercise, essentially is to make sure what is being planned addresses the issues of safety.

 

Meeting the Third Person

 

 

 

Meeting the third person covers a very broad spectrum from placing an ad on the internet to physically meeting them. While it is impossible to cover every conceivable situation a few general principles do apply. First principle is creating an alias. An alias is essential because it helps to protect your identity from family, friends, employers, if you have children in the home it will protect them, and anyone else that you may come in contact with. It goes without saying, there is nothing wrong with having a threesome but if someone does know your identity then it could have some consequences for you, especially if you have a job where you are dealing with the public. In order to protect yourself, your family and your job creating an alias becomes a part of planning for safety.

 

The question now becomes what is an alias? An alias sanitizes your key information so that is not easily traced to you. This means when creating an alias, you remove any information that can personally identify you and restate it in such a way that protects you. So if you are John (age 42) & Jane (age 38) residing in Northbrook, Illinois then your alias may become Mark (age 40) and Sarah (age 35) in Chicago. As a part of this process any pictures you might use would not have pictures of your children, other family members, or anything that would identify you. Instead they might be either neck down pictures or pictures showing you from a distance, so that facial features become less distinct while still showing a generalized body shape.

 

Remember your alias will be the first thing people who read your ad on the internet, you contact, or meet will know about you. Therefore it becomes important that your alias is something that is manageable and easy for you to remember. If not, it may make developing trust more difficult thereby loosing potential third persons.

 

After the initial contact with the third person and there seems to be an interest in meeting to see if things develop to allow a threesome to happen the question becomes how to handle it? There is no right way to handle it but my feeling is for someone starting out the first meeting should be a “meet & greet” in a public place. This means the first meeting no sex occurs and the purpose of the meeting is find out if the person is compatible with the two of you. Before meeting them it may be worth your time to bring a cellular phone for an emergency, let someone know that as a couple you are going out that night, and consider other safety measures. Then after the meeting having the time to talk to each other about it and then determine if that person is someone you want to have a threesome with.

 

Final question is how far do you take the alias? Personally my recommendation would be taking it far enough that any person you come in contact with regarding a threesome cannot identify where you work, do not know where you live if you have children, and they do not know your contact information. This may mean getting a pay-as-you-go cellular / mobile phone or buying a separate cellular / mobile phone for this activity. By getting a mobile / cellular phone dedicated to this activity it keeps your own phone number hidden and it also allow you to know anyone who is contacting you their call somehow relates to a threesome. Likewise establishing a dedicated email address for this activity will help to protect you from SPAM emails and it makes it easier to manage. Thirdly this means not taking the third person to your house if you have children around and if you do bring them making sure any sensitive information (e.g. bank, credit card information, and family photos) is secured. Fourthly avoid giving any career information that might identify your employer or may damage your reputation. Finally an alias may sound as though you are lying or intentionally being deceptive. This author feels as long as you are honest to questions being asked, that does not relate to your identity, and your present yourself in a truthful manner then creating an alias for protecting your protection is justifiable.

 

Emotional Safety:

 

 

 

Emotional safety essentially means ensuring that you maintain the same positive perspective of having a threesome, from beginning to well after the threesome occurs, and immediately addressing any issues that interferes with that perspective. This means, this author feels, that each person participating in the threesome needs to have the proper positive perspective. Having a positive perspective does not necessary mean being 100% enthused about the idea 100% of the time. Instead it means viewing having a threesome as something positive and enjoyable in which each person has decided to participate. Without viewing a threesome as a choice and a decision to participate in it freely leaves allot of room for feeling bad about it.

 

So how do you achieve a balance to view the threesome positively as a choice? This author believes that being assertive as a large role in it. Being assertive means making your needs known in a manner that is not confrontation and as long as it is not a need that needs to be met in order to have the threesome (e.g. safe-sex practices), then try to find a way to reach a compromise. Without being assertive to make you needs known and to protect those needs that you feel are absolutely necessary to have a threesome.

 

Conclusion

 

 

 

This chapter briefly touched on the issue of safety from a sexual, personal, and emotional perspective. However due to the breadth of this subject it was not possible to cover all aspects of it and the purpose of this section was to introduce the idea as some something that needs to be considered when planning a threesome. If there were four points from this section to remember they would be, first do not discount any feeling of uneasiness because it could be a warning that something is not right. Second it is important to be assertive, to deal with issues as they come up, and not to give up on your core feelings in order to please someone else so that a threesome can happen. Third creating an alias can help in protecting yourself, your career, and family from the possible negative consequences of having a threesome. Finally it is important to review the planned threesome, from time to time, in order to ensure issues of safety are being addressed and that as a couple you are not putting your safety at unnecessary risk. By considering and planning for your safety in a threesome situation it will go along way to ensure that your threesome is enjoyable.

 

 

 

Basic Threesome FAQ


spicesBasic threesome information for the novice

Will a threesome destroy our relationship?

This author believes a threesome will not necessarily destroy a relationship but this author believes, a threesome can act as a catalyst bringing up underlying relationship issues to the surface faster.

Can a threesome fix a troubled relationship or add spice to it?

A threesome cannot fix a trouble relationship or relationship that has become stagnant. In this type of situation it is likely the threesome will make the relationship worse, not better.

Is inviting an ex or a co-worker a good idea to a threesome?

While a few threesomes might work using an ex or a co-worker, most likely this is an ill-advised choice. This is due to the potential risks they pose to the couple. Typical risks for inviting a co-worker include sexual harassment claims, loss of job, loss of privacy, problems at work, and a greater chance cheating might occur. For an ex the biggest risk is the relationship might restart again leading to cheating or the relationship ending.

My partner becomes quite aroused of the idea of having a threesome during foreplay is it advisable to arrange one and then surprise them with it?

No. There is a difference between fantasy and reality, especially when it comes to threesomes. If your partner has expressed an interest in having a threesome then it is best to speak to them outside of the bedroom and at a time when there is no distractions.

My partner has expressed an interest in having a threesome, have they stopped loving me? Do they want a divorce?

You will need to speak to them if you are concerned. However, in most cases it can be a compliment because they feel secure enough in the relationship and want to explore their boundaries with you. Therefore, it is likely the answer to this question is no.

What is soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging has a variety of definitions but at the core of the definition it means no penetration (oral, vaginal, or anal) by the invited third person.

What are the different types of threesomes?

  • Soft-swinging
  • Full threesome
  • Cuckolding
  • Ménage a trios
  • Polyamory: couple with an invited third
  • Open relationship
  • Fantasy Play / Role Playing
  • Dogging
  • Friends with Benefits (can be)

My husband / partner wants a mfm threesome, does it mean he is gay?

Most likely no, most threesomes are two male threesomes that are straight.  Very few two male threesomes involve male on male activity due to risk of STDs / STIs. If you are in doubt then speak to them about it.

After bringing up the idea, how long does it take before we are ready to have a threesome?

It can take any where from a few weeks to a few years depending on the couple. There are some couples that may ultimately decide a threesome is not for them.

My husband and I want a fmf threesome, is it true that it is difficult to find a single woman to join us?

Reality is very few single women are interested in having a fmf threesome with a couple and those who those that are interested are in very high demand. This means a single woman can be selective in the couple she chooses and it means the couple can spend well over a year searching. Best advice would be to search for another couple that is willing to share the female with you but be ready that they will expect that you reciprocate.

Where can we find a threesome?

There are many places to look for a threesome and many opportunities that happen can lead to a threesome. The challenge is knowing which ones will be fruitful versus being a waste of time. Below are a few suggestions:

  • Online dating and threesomes sites.
  • There are a few smart phone apps being produced for this type of search and are beginning making it into the market.
  • Swingers club (not recommended for those just starting out)
  • Swingers party (not recommended for those just starting out)
  • Friends (risky and requires a lot of thought)

The cuckold experience


thiswifesturn

 

The Cuckold Experience 

(click title for original source)

Anyone who’s ever been in one of these relationships will tell you that they’re emotionally complex, physical stimulating, extremely passionate, and intensely erotic. Men and women who’ve been in these types of relationships often become captivated by their unique intensity. Multiple studies demonstrate that the emotional impact of these relationships on their participants is so profound that it can permanently alter brain chemistry levels in both men and women. They become addicted to the thrilling surges of adrenalin (power) and dopamine (pleasure) associated with these activities.

For men, the phrase “once a cuckold, always a cuckold” speaks to this powerful desire and effect. Despite the conflicting emotional turmoil experienced by men in these relationships… often referred to as “cuckold angst”, described as the most intensely erotic roller coaster ride a man will ever experience… men find it highly addictive…

View original post 1,330 more words

Can a threesome help a relationship?


Imagine this scenario, a couple finds sex is becoming mundane and predictable considers having a threesome in order to add “spice” to their sex life. Likewise another couple  finds sex between them is electrifying and wanting to explore their boundaries. Which one, do you feel is like to have an enjoyable threesome experience that can help their relation? The answer might surprise you.

In order to answer that question it is important to define the word help. Help in this context means either fixing a relationship or improving it. It does not mean being therapeutic nor doe it mean providing a path to find an answer. This means having a threesome as a way for fixing a relationship poses some challenges and risks. Usually if there is a problem in a relationship it means there is a corresponding issue regarding communication. If there is a problem with communication then the likelihood that an important topic is missed regarding having a threesome increase and thereby means having problems due to having a threesome increases.   By having a threesome it can bring up underlying issues that the couple was not prepared to address. Without having the necessary tools, such as communication, in addressing underling issues then there is a high probability that the relationship will suffer. Does this mean the relationship is doomed to fail? No,  but it does mean the couple will likely face challenges that they will need to be prepared to address and without being able to successfully address them then it is likely the relationship will fail.

Does this then mean a couple that finds sex electrifying will be without issues? Again the answer is no. However, it does mean the couple is approaching a threesome from a position of strength thereby decreasing the chance that a threesome will go wrong. If a couple is finding sex electrifying between the two of them, for example, then it indicates they are doing something right. Most likely, though not guaranteed, communication exists and they, most likely, have the right relationship dynamic for a threesome. Nonetheless, there are no guarantees and there still remains a chance that an issue will develop that the couple did not consider. Such issues can include lack of clarity on boundaries and misunderstanding boundaries. Feelings beginning to develop for the third person and underlying relationship issues brought forward. Anytime a couple considers having a threesome they need to do it cautiously and be prepared for any issue that may arise.

Does this mean a threesome cannot help a relationship? No, but it does mean a threesome can weaken a poor relationship and it could help a strong relationship by allowing further development of communication between the couple. Therefore any couple thinking about a threesome need to work through any relationship issue before having a threesome in order to mitigate any issue that could hurt their relationship. If a couple is able to communicate and work through their problems then having a threesome may be something that could help them.

The basics of threeosme safety


 

Introduction

What do you think when you hear the word safety? Safety conjures up an image of an activity being sucked of its fun or Health and Safety Laws in the UK that have gone too far. Nonetheless safety has an important part of having a threesome and it is the part that ensures that the threesome remains enjoyable while protecting those involved.

Sexual Safety:

 

This is the easiest point to start the discussion since it is a topic people are familiar with at some level. Sexual safety means more than practicing safe-sex, it means avoiding unnecessary risks that can damage your sexual health. It also means looking at the details of what is being planned and ensuring that what is being planned will not have an impact on anyone’s health at a later date. Examples include properly cleaning “toys” before using them, not going bareback with someone, not using lubricants that can breakdown a condom, informing your partner if you believe you have been exposed to a STI, allowing a chance to bathe, and changing condoms when switching between anal and vaginal penetration. Essentially sexual safety means respecting everyone enough that extra measures are considered and communicating additional information so that sexual health is not put at risk.

Personal Safety:

 

Personal safety and emotional safety has some overlap. Since there is some overlap this section will focus more on the physical aspects of personal safety and to some extent address the issue of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person. It is impossible to speak about every possible risk to personal safety that might theoretically arise in a threesome situation and this section will take a broad brush stroke over the topic.

Overview

Stating point regarding personal safety is our “inner voice.” All of us have an “inner voice” that tells us if something is not right. Choosing to listen our inner voice is our choice. However in a threesome situation if it does not feel right, if you feel there is something not right about the situation, or the situation make you feel uncomfortable then it is best not to ignore that “inner voice.” Most likely your “inner voice” is warning you about a potential injury to your well-being.

Another point regarding personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where your safety becomes at risk. There are some who feel to “get in the mood” they need to drink or use drugs. There is nothing wrong with a social drink in order to get the conversation flowing and to relax everyone. However the issue becomes when having more than a social drink or using drugs can lead to fuelling emotions such as, when are watching your partner having sex with someone else in front of you and such activities makes it more likely that the individual will participate in risky behavior that they would not normally do when sober. Undertaking risky behavior can result in boundaries being broken, unnecessary exposure to STDs / STIs, and in some cases risk of pregnancy. It is therefore better to be in control of the situation and to make appropriate decisions then to make a decision based on the “heat of the moment” only to regret it later.

Final point, which ties in to the next part of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person, is examining the planned threesome from a personal safety perspective. It means examining the planned threesome and then trying to identify where potential safety issues may exist. From there then determining the likelihood of it happening, and asking if it did happen why would be impact of the outcome? Purpose of this exercise, essentially is to make sure what is being planned addresses the issues of safety.

Meeting the Third Person

 

Meeting the third person covers a very broad spectrum from placing an ad on the internet to physically meeting them. While it is impossible to cover every conceivable situation a few general principles do apply. First principle is creating an alias. An alias is essential because it helps to protect your identity from family, friends, employers, if you have children in the home it will protect them, and anyone else that you may come in contact with. It goes without saying, there is nothing wrong with having a threesome but if someone does know your identity then it could have some consequences for you, especially if you have a job where you are dealing with the public. In order to protect yourself, your family and your job creating an alias becomes a part of planning for safety.

The question now becomes what is an alias? An alias sanitizes your key information so that is not easily traced to you. This means when creating an alias, you remove any information that can personally identify you and restate it in such a way that protects you. So if you are John (age 42) & Jane (age 38) residing in Northbrook, Illinois then your alias may become Mark (age 40) and Sarah (age 35) in Chicago. As a part of this process any pictures you might use would not have pictures of your children, other family members, or anything that would identify you. Instead they might be either neck down pictures or pictures showing you from a distance, so that facial features become less distinct while still showing a generalized body shape.

Remember your alias will be the first thing people who read your ad on the internet, you contact, or meet will know about you. Therefore it becomes important that your alias is something that is manageable and easy for you to remember. If not, it may make developing trust more difficult thereby loosing potential third persons.

Final question is how far do you take the alias? Personally my recommendation would be taking it far enough that any person you come in contact with regarding a threesome cannot identify where you work, do not know where you live if you have children, and they do not know your contact information. This may mean getting a pay-as-you-go cellular / mobile phone or buying a separate cellular / mobile phone for this activity. By getting a mobile / cellular phone dedicated to this activity it keeps your own phone number hidden and it also allow you to know anyone who is contacting you their call somehow relates to a threesome. Likewise establishing a dedicated email address for this activity will help to protect you from SPAM emails and it makes it easier to manage. Thirdly this means not taking the third person to your house if you have children around and if you do bring them making sure any sensitive information (e.g. bank, credit card information, and family photos) is secured. Fourthly avoid giving any career information that might identify your employer or may damage your reputation. Finally an alias may sound as though you are lying or intentionally being deceptive. This author feels as long as you are honest to questions being asked, that does not relate to your identity, and your present yourself in a truthful manner then creating an alias for protecting your protection is justifiable.

After speaking with them online and there seems to be an interest in meeting to see if things develop for a threesome to happen, the question becomes how to handle it? There is no right way to handle it but, this author feels, is for someone starting out with having a threesome then the first meeting should be a “meet & greet” in a public place. This means the first meeting involves no sex occurring and the purpose of the meeting is find out if all three of you are compatible. Before meeting them it may be worth your time to bring a cellular phone  / mobile phone for an emergency, let someone know that as a couple you are going out that night, and consider other safety measures. Then after the meeting having the time to talk to each other about it and then determine if that person is someone you want to have a threesome with.

Emotional Safety:

 

Emotional safety essentially means ensuring that you maintain the same positive perspective of having a threesome, from beginning to well after the threesome occurs, and immediately addressing any issues that interferes with that perspective. This means, this author feels, that each person participating in the threesome needs to have the proper positive perspective. Having a positive perspective does not necessary mean being 100% enthused about the idea 100% of the time. Instead it means viewing having a threesome as something positive and enjoyable in which each person has decided to participate. Without viewing a threesome as a choice and a decision to participate in it freely leaves allot of room for feeling bad about it.

So how do you achieve a balance to view the threesome positively as a choice? This author believes that being assertive as a large role in it. Being assertive means making your needs known in a manner that is not confrontation and as long as it is not a need that needs to be met in order to have the threesome (e.g. safe-sex practices), then try to find a way to reach a compromise. Without being assertive to make you needs known and to protect those needs that you feel are absolutely necessary to have a threesome.

Conclusion

 

This chapter briefly touched on the issue of safety from a sexual, personal, and emotional perspective. However due to the breadth of this subject it was not possible to cover all aspects of it and the purpose of this section was to introduce the idea as some something that needs to be considered when planning a threesome. If there were four points from this section to remember they would be, first do not discount any feeling of uneasiness because it could be a warning that something is not right. Second it is important to be assertive, to deal with issues as they come up, and not to give up on your core feelings in order to please someone else so that a threesome can happen. Third creating an alias can help in protecting yourself, your career, and family from the possible negative consequences of having a threesome. Finally it is important to review the planned threesome, from time to time, in order to ensure issues of safety are being addressed and that as a couple you are not putting your safety at unnecessary risk. By considering and planning for your safety in a threesome situation it will go along way to ensure that your threesome is enjoyable.