Monthly Archives: March 2013

My journey

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions by

my threesome journeyIntroduction

Before writing this article I struggled if I should write and if I did, how. Ultimately I decided to write this. The reason for writing this article is to provide an experience to show, having a threesome is not a linear process but a multidimensional process that happens over time. In essence I wanted to share a bit of myself in order to provide some meaning to my writing along with showing not all threesomes play out like they are shown in the media.

Threesome Philosophy

My philosophy regarding threesomes tends to be systems, behavioral, or existential. This means I look for a simpler explanation thereby conflicting a lot with Freud. The reason why I choose to compare my philosophy with Freud instead of Jung, Adler, Maslow, Skinner or Beck is due to a lot of bloggers tend to explain threesome / cuckolding behavior in reference to Freudian theory. The other reason for comparing my philosophy to Freud, I believe a lot of Freud’s work has been misinterpreted in today’s society.

As a author, I tend to discount a lot of what Freud has to say because I feel Freud’s theory is unnecessarily over-complicated and based on observations, not controlled research. Granted he lived at time when scientific principles were still in their infancy thereby forcing Freud to be more philosophical and rely on observation rather than scientific principles. Another reason his theory is overly complicated I believe, is because he lived as a Jew in Europe during WWI and it escaped Nazi Germany to live his remaining years in the US. Essentially he faced a lot of anti-Semitism that impacted his theory, especially his later works. Another reason I believe his theory is overly-complicated is due to his work. His work is based on observations, not scientific principles.

Nonetheless there is one aspect of Freudian theory that I do hold dear to me. That aspect, to bring out the underlying issue the individual should be detached and free of judgement, in essence a “sounding board.” A lot of my writing uses that approach since, I want people to arrive at their own decisions about threesomes without being heavily influenced by my world view. Granted, I use my world view to help me frame my writing but I do my best to keep a balanced perspective.

My Threesome Experience & Current Journey

The experience I have with threesomes comes variety of sources including experiences with my wife, experiences prior to her, and a bit of her threesome experience before meeting me. During a phase in our relationships we were into having threesomes but after a while we pulled back from it. I think a part of it had to do with the novelty of the situation, our previous experiences with threesomes and the stage we were at with our lives. After we pulled back from having threesomes, we moved. Our move had nothing to do with threesomes but instead it was due us wanting to move out of the rural mid-west. As the result of the move, it lowered the priority of having a threesome because we were on our own and had to rely on each other. A few years after our move there were times when we would court the idea of having a threesome and we would take get close finding a third person. Then each time we would make plans she would pull back.

After having major surgery and starting hormone replacement therapy my wife starts the discussion of having a threesome and begins talking about, as it is called on this site, couple’s cuckolding. We have done this previously with a good result and it is something we would like to do again. This discussion is for the time being, become more realistic and has surpassed the threesome discussion. Unlike the other times where the idea is abstract, this time we have started discussing boundaries, risks, when she would have time available; and what ifs. Plus she has started looking with offers from both couples for fmf threesome and single males. She has stated she is not sure if she could be with another woman but the idea tempts her. For some reason I view fmf threesome offer as less risky than the offers from single males. Nothing has happened, yet and she has stated she is not sure if she wants to go through with it. Nonetheless we continue to talk and discuss.

Update 26/09/2013

In the few months since my last post, she has asked about attending a swingers club, what it would be like, and if any are nearby. She also asked about what would she do if anyone knew her, would she be expected to participate, and would she be safe.

I have told her there is one a less than 2 miles from our house. Also, I told her not to expect people to rush up to you and that you have to be sociable. Regarding what it would be like, I explained to her that you would need to be ready to say no and no meant no at the club. Then I told her that you do not have to participate if you do not want to and you can just mingle. Finally I told her not to worry if anyone knew you because what would they say to you, “I saw you at a swingers club?” If they did, I told her, then it would imply they were there too and I told her, I do not believe someone would risk exposing their private life in public.

She told me the idea of me fucking her with another guy turned her on and the whole idea turned her on too. The conversation ended and I emailed her the link to the club for her information.

Since then she has been quiet on the subject and I have not pushed. A few days ago we were sexting and the conversation turned back to couple’s cuckolding. She asked if I thought she would like it and I said, ‘yes.’ I told her doing something taboo and being desired by someone else would be a major turn-on for her. At that point the conversation ended.

On a different point she is asking me to post photos of her on an amateur site in various states of being undressed and does take requests, within reason, for various poses. She tells me it is a bit of a turn on for her because she likes feeling desirable and it gets her aroused. She tells me it has helped her with how she views herself and does not see herself as being fat anymore. When I ask her if she has any interest in meeting anyone from the site she tells me she does not have an interest in meeting anyone from the site, which is fine.

Update 23/10/2013

Nothing new to report as we have been busy with work and family.

08/12/2013

We keep on discussing going to the nearby swingers club but it does not come to fruition.

She made an interesting comment that I am taking more as joke but it did seem to have a bit of a serious element to it. My wife, suggested that I post on this site that she is interested in having a threesome with someone that is well endowed.

25/08/2014

Nothing, has yet come to fruition. Nonetheless there appears to be a few open channels for exploration. She has opened up about wanting someone to ‘finger her’ while she is wearing her skirt. Also she talks about wanting to someone ‘fuck her.’ Talking about having a threesome is done very openly and non-judgmental indicating she has not completely discounted the possibility.  At the moment it is all talk but in the past we have had our threesome experiences. So, I am not going to say it will not happen because only time will tell.

Conclusion

Does this mean it will happen? Not necessarily but it is possible. I think she is exploring the idea and thinking about the risks. Since she appears to be exploring two possible routes, I believe, she is more set on the couple’s cuckolding idea than a threesome. The decision for the ‘Couples Cuckolding’ is her decision provided we can agree on boundaries.

Does anyone know how to move to the next step?

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Threesome and bisexuality

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions by

English: Illustration of the double moon symbo...

A part of the function of this site is to cover the spectrum of threesomes and to offer an opinion on the issues that can arise from having a threesome. By my estimates, roughly 25% – 50% of those who visit this site are bisexual and one of the issues being faced regards addressing the issue of bisexuality while being in a heterosexual relationship. Sometimes the discovery happens after being in the relationship for a while other times the discovery happens before the relationship or the desire to be with the same sex intensifies in the relationship. The challenge, this author feels, lies in addressing the issue with your partner.

This author feels, one of the first solutions sought includes having a threesome with your partner; however, this may not always be the best solution. Other times, for whatever reason, having them there is not practical. This means other solutions need to be found such as opening up the relationship and in the worst case scenario it means ending the relationship. Since each relationship is different, this author believes there is not one magical solution that will work for every situation but a solution that works for each couple.

This author feels many marriage therapists, councillors, therapists, licensed social workers, psychiatrists, and psychologists are not adequately trained to address the issue of alternative lifestyles to be much use. Instead, this author believe, looking towards the LGBT community in their area for support may help. They might be able to recommend someone who is alternative lifestyle friendly and / or provide support in addressing the issue in the relationship.

Below is a list of web sites that may be a potential resource for information regarding support about dealing with the issue of bisexuality in a heterosexual relationship. Most sites are from the US while a few are UK based.

Please be aware all sites listed are independent of this site; therefore, we are not responsible for their content. Since the sites listed are independent of this site we cannot attest to their legitimacy. This means if you attempt to contact them, you will are assuming the risk and we recommend that you use due diligence in researching the organization / site before providing any information about yourself to them.

Finally if you are aware of a good organization or web site not listed, please contact us to have it added.

http://www.thefullwiki.org/List_of_LGBT-related_organizations

http://www.pacehealth.org.uk/

http://www.thefullwiki.org/Seattle_Sex_Positive_Community_Center

http://bisexual-support.meetup.com/

http://www.lavendervisions.com/resources.php

http://marriedgay.org/

http://www.gendernetwork.com/lgbtsupport.html

http://www.gaycenter.org/

http://www.pflagnyc.org/support/meetings

http://lgbtfriends.meetup.com/cities/us/il/chicago/

http://www.outfront.org/resources/organizations

http://lgbtfriends.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/los_angeles/

http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer

http://www.sfcenter.org/

http://lgbt-social-group.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_francisco/

http://www.polyamory.org.uk/

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Threesome communication for couples

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Stages by

Kama Sutra Illustration

Introduction

It is interesting to read through previous works and discover what you had intended did not occur. A while ago I wrote a piece regarding threesome communication. My intention was for it to discuss communication before the threesome occurred but it became a piece about communication during a threesome. Nonetheless, this piece will talk about communication during each aspect of the process. It is important to note this is not meant to be a treatise on the subject nor is it meant to be a comprehensive discussion, instead it is meant to be an opinion piece regarding the level of communication needed to have a threesome.

What is meant by threesome communication?

Threesome communication is essentially the discussion that occur through the process. It involves discussing a subject that most couples do not discuss and the ability to discuss the subject in a loving way. It means discussing issues like:

  • Risk of STI / STD
  • Risk of pregnancy
  • Safe-sex practices
  • Reason for wanting to have a threesome
  • What do you expect from having a threesome
  • How you expect having a threesome will impact the relationship
  • The potential impact of having a threesome on the relationship
  • What if …
  • Defining boundaries regarding the threesome for the relationship
  • Defining boundaries for the threesome
  • Feeling associated with watching your partner having sex with someone else / having sex with someone else in front of your partner
  • How to split attention
  • Type of person being sought
  • Acceptable activities in the threesome
  • Off-limit activities in the threesome
  • Feelings about having the threesome
  • Feelings about having the threesome after it occurred
  • What went right
  • What could have gone better
  • Any issues regarding sexuality
  • Role the third person will have
  • Role each person will have
  • Other issues

Some of these may not be applicable such as risk of pregnancy if menopause has occurred, hysterectomy, mmm, or fff threesome. Where the topic is relevant to the couple threesome communication means not saying for example, “reason for wanting a threesome is because I think it is hot.” In this author’s opinion, such a statement shows an immature idea about having a threesome and it shows a lack of respect for you partner due to a lack of understanding of the risks involved. Instead it means being honest and sincere such as, “My reason for wanting a threesome it is something that I would like to explore. I believe it might help our communication and commitment to each other.” Then may be in response saying, “Don’t you think we have good enough communication? How do you think it will help our commitment to each other?” Through repeated interaction and questioning the couple can begin to appreciate what is a threesome involves.

Initial Discussions: Pillow Talk, Sexting, Talking Dirty, and Heat of the Moment

I believe we all have our methods for dealing with difficult questions and sometimes it is easier to bring up a difficult question when it is difficult to get upset. “Pillow talk” (conversations after sex or just lying in bed talking), sexting (suggestive texts) talking dirty or during “heat of the moment” (arousal from foreplay), provides an opportunity to address the idea of having a threesome. It can provide very rich visual images and an opportunity to heighten your partner’s arousal. The feelings it invokes can be quite powerful and easy leading to a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding occurs when each person has a different interpretation of the context of the conversation. For one it may be fun play in order to keep their partner’s interested while the other may see the play as permission to arrange a threesome. There is nothing wrong with using the visual image of a threesome to arouse your partner but there must be enough communication for both to be in agreement about the meaning of the play. Nonetheless this type of play can provide an avenue for beginning the discussion of having a threesome during the day.

Exploring the idea: Striving towards a common vision

During this time each person has their own idea of what a threesome means for them and what they expect from a threesome. It is during this period where a lot of the discussions take place to allow each person to discuss their vision of having a threesome and then working from those images to find a common image that is agreeable.

All of the discussions may not be heart felt deep discussions but enough discussions will occur before the decision to seek someone else to join them. The discussion will vary from “feeling your partner out on an idea,” such as “how would you feel if… occurred in the threesome,” to “it is not happening.” Not all discussions will be easy and some may require compromises while others may require thought before the idea can proceed. It is during this time when the idea of having a threesome either begins to develop or it is left as a topic for another day’s discussion. At the end of this period the couple should have an idea of what their threesome might look like.

Finding the third person

There is no rule that says a couple must first work on a common vision for their threesome before they begin searching for the third person. Arguably beginning the search for a third person can be the first activity followed by, or in unison, the discussion related to the threesome. However this author believes it is better to define the vision for the threesome and work through some of the issues before finding the third person. Reason for this belief, this author feels, by this point the couple is beginning to learn to compromise and work through issues. By working together agreeing on the characteristics of the third person and the third person should be easier.

First Contact: Speaking with the third person

Hopefully at this point the couple will have some agreements about the threesome that will be communicated to the third person. This should not be everything they have discussed and at a minimum they should communicate:

  • Their expectations for the third person
  • Expectations for the threesome
  • Safe-sex practices
  • Where there are in the process about selecting the third person (e.g. are they reviewing replies and following up, do they want to meet, etc.)
  • Boundaries for the third person
  • Reiterating they are a couple and will leave as a couple
  • Safe-sex practices
  • How / when meeting will occur
  • Acceptable level of communication
  • How attention will be split

Also during this period the couple should, at a minimum:

  • Reviewing their boundaries
  • Discussing their feelings about people they have discussed having a threesome with
  • Reviewing their feelings about having a threesome
  • Discuss any new issues that have come up
  • Discuss if they feel any changes need to be made

Meeting the third person and having the threesome

Before meeting the third person the couple needs to ensure they are “on the same page” regarding the threesome and each of them has the same understanding regarding their planned threesome. Without having the same understanding it is possible hurt feelings will develop or worse. Therefore the couple should take a few moments to ensure they have the same understanding of:

  • Their boundaries and what they mean
  • Sexual practices that are off limits
  • Any changes they want to make
  • Any subtle signals that indicate interest or desire to abort the planned threesome
  • Any safe-words that indicate a desire to end the threesome
  • Any feelings they are having

At some point before the threesome the couple should take a few minutes to review with the third person their boundaries and expectations. Likewise the third person, if they have not already done so, state their boundaries, expectations, and any preferences. Then as they encounter progresses if issues arise then they should be brought into the open and discussed.

Debriefing

This does not need to be an onerous activity or long. After the threesome the couple should, as soon as possible, take time to talk about the threesome they had and discuss any feelings. Then, for as long as needed, discuss feelings that may come up as the result of having the threesome along with their desire to have another experience.

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Your local librarian or pastor may be into threesomes without you ever knowing

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

This is an older article from 2000 and it remains one of my favorite. It examines the characteristics of swingers and compares them to characteristics of the general population. Granted swinging covers many other sexual practices beyond having a threesome and it generally involves people who have incorporated in their sexual practices. Nonetheless it remains one of my favorites since it highlights the fact the some of the people you would least expect to be interested in having a threesome are the ones having it and it challenges the stereotype of a middle-aged liberal agnostic / atheist as the ones who are swinging.

As with any article relating to threesomes and alternative sexual practices there are always biases. Some of the biases come from the type of research being done. In this article an online survey was done, which means there may be some duplication even though attempts were made to eliminate duplicate answers and there are always issues regarding using online resources. Such as issues with coding, any network issues, any hardware issues, and reasons why people may start the survey then abandon it. Finally there are issues with they type of research being done. When surveys are done there is a tendency for people to provide socially acceptable answers and to view the question in the most positive light for themselves. Plus depending on how the questions are written, it will influence the way the individual responds. Given very little research is done in area it is difficult to know how representative it is.

Having read the article, I do not believe, there are obvious biases that have influenced the results. Though, I do question the results show swingers tend to slightly more religious. As an author, I know there is a public person we all have that we maintain and then
there is a private persona that our partner is only that sees
it. Having lived in a religious and politically conservative state for over two decades, I know there is a disconnect between religion and personal beliefs, especially amongst Christians. If there was congruency between faith and religion then the state I lived in would have a nearly non-exist DWI rate along (many in its penitentiary are serving time for DWI offenses), not being a national leader in arrests for transport for a well known illegal drug (it is not ‘pot’ a lot harsher) and finding someone for a threesome would be much difficult. So, this author is not disagreeing with some of the findings and it may be this survey captured a shift in the swinging population; however, it is difficult to know if this is a bias.

 

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