First Time cuckolding: The once in a lifetime roller coaster ride that is worth taking

First Time? No Ticket Required

I remember riding a roller coaster as a kid. The fear of heights along with the fear of falling out that always made me nervous of riding a roller coaster. Then as the roller coaster climbed to the top rushing down, emotional rush as it speeds down the hill.

Cuckolding in some ways is like being on a roller coaster. Once she agrees to try cuckolding and a lot of images miraculously enter your mind. Not everyone cuckolds and a feeling of privilege begins overtaking your body like a tidal wave. The feeling, is like winning the lottery or receiving membership in an exclusive club. It is something very unique. Soon questions, fears, anxiety, and a flurry of other emotions begins to grip your mind. A feeling of being overwhelmed hits and questions such as, is this normal enter your mind?

What is it like during the time from ‘yes’ to the actual experience and then afterwards? What can I do to help me through the time? Agreeing to be cuckold can be a rich and rewarding experience. However until you have the experience, know what to expect, and know the outcome then the experience is best describe as an emotional roller coaster.

The Journey

1) Emotional Roller coaster

After agreeing to have a cuckold, it is common for emotions fluctuate very quickly and to fluctuate for varying lengths of time. In the beginning it is common to feel elation and maybe some fear. During this time fear is quickly ignored because of the surge of feeling immense joy over the upcoming event.

Then as the day gets closer extremes feelings happen. Suddenly you feel excitement and then fear.  The fear grips your mind and then every thing that can go wrong appears in your mind, like a bad dream. Panic can happen and doubts if this is the right choice happens. Right before succumbing to the fear, reality comes to rescue by removing the fear.

Now the day arrives and she leaves for her date. At first a quiet calm happens, feeling like a member of an exclusive club and feeling privilege leads to a feeling of euphoria. As the feeling of euphoria beings to wane, fear begins chirping like a child wanting to know how much longer. The feeling of euphoria stifles the sound of fear but as the feeling of euphoria diminishes like a mother who cannot keep saying no. Soon fear takes over. Is she safe? Is she enjoying herself? What will she be like when she gets home? Is our relationship over? Why did I agree to this when I could have said no? starting playing like a tape recording.

The cycle of feeling euphoria and fear continues. Watching television or playing a game of solitaire is not an option since the emotional roller coaster is creating too much anxiety. Only a distraction can work.

2) Need for distraction

The need for a distraction is fairly obvious by providing an emotional balance during this time that will not cause harm later. A distraction can be as simple as housework, gardening, or going to a movie. It can involve a friend or a group. However, not everyone wants to know about cuckolding or someone’s sexual adventure therefore it becomes necessary being selective discussing the reason for distraction.

3) Desire to push the limits

During the time of joy, euphoria, or excitement feeling like nothing can bad can happen does occur. It leads to a feeling of invincibility and the willingness the change boundaries because nothing bad can happen. This feeling comes about from being a part of a privilege and for the most part, a secret club. However, we tend to forget superman had his Krypton and every club has it rules.

4) Relationship Changes

Through the emotional highs and emotional lows something is quietly happening in the background, change. That is right change to the relationship is occurring. Nothing is frozen forever in time and we are not able to go back in time to fix or prevent something from going wrong.

In a few days, weeks, or months, she is going to have sex with someone outside of the relationship. This will mean the relationship, for better or worse, will change. Change will occur in threesome stages.

First stage is the immediate stage. This is the time from right after she returns for the first few weeks. It is the time when the relationship copes with the cuckolding experience and redefines itself. During this period there is a lot of change occurring.

Second stage is the latency stage. After the resolution of the first stage there is a period of relative quiet where very little occurs. This can last for a few days, weeks, or months.

Final stage is the new normal. Through all of the discussions that have occurred, perception of the experience, and attitudes towards each other will redefine this stage. This is the point where the relationship finally works resolves the issues and defines how the couple will relate to each other.

5) Empowerment

During relationship changes and the fluctuations of emotions that are occurring there is something very quietly working in the background, empowerment. Cuckolding can be a very empowering experience for a couple. For him it is about expressing his desire in an open way and having his desire met. This means he is able to openly communicate his tawdry desire and have it met without fear of retribution. Depending on the form the couple’s cuckolding takes, it can be a way for him to give control to his wife and unburden some of the pressure he feels.

For her is a lot deeper. By cuckolding she is able to confirm her sexual desirability to someone else without fear of loosing the relationship. This can be a very powerful experience because it can show her she is more than a wife, a mother, and she is a sexual person.

Finally for the couple, cuckolding provides a route for improving the communication and a way to get their needs met.

Journey Aftermath

6) Knowing the Details

Trying cuckolding means only one person has sex with someone outside of the relationship that is done with the knowledge and consent of the other person in the relationship. This can be prove a very powerful aphrodisiac for a couple because one of them has an experience the other does not and by sharing the details of the experience it can be something that binds them as a couple.

This raises the question, how do you share the details? From my experience, the best way is to tell it like a story and tell it as a part of foreplay. Focus on the feelings, scents, mood, and anything else that can draw your partner into the story. Use a tone a voice that is  suggestive and inviting. Do not rush it and do not have him just laying listening to the story. Instead have him experience the story by becoming a part of it. Have him do the some of things you were experiencing and encourage him. If he asks any questions be hones but positive.

7) Sloppy seconds

One of the succulent rewards of cuckolding is experiencing sloppy seconds. Feeling her stretched from another cock being deep inside of her along with her red swollen lips and if no condom was used, the warm sticky feeling of her lover’s cum. Also there is usually a subtle smell of must.

Sloppy seconds is a result of an experience each individual openly embraced and something that should be enjoyed instead of being shunned.

For her it is a sign of her desirability to another and for him it is a sign of his fantasy being fulfilled. Ideally they should take time together before falling asleep to share and enjoy the experience together.

8) Best Sex of your life

The smell of sex along with details of the experience and experiencing sloppy seconds can lead to an incredible sexual experience. Especially if it is done shortly after she comes home. From my experience, nothing can compare to it.

9) Improved Communication

After the experience and as the relationship finds its ‘new normal.’ One of the possible benefits is seeing improved communication. Especially feeling less afraid to discuss ideas and an open willingness to share ideas that can lead to an increase in trust.

10) Trust Issues

After the euphoria, from hearing the details and enjoying sloppy seconds, reality begins to enter. Questions such as, what happened? How could I have agreed to this? Why did I agree to this? can occur. This happens because the emotional roller coaster is ending, relationship changes are occurring, and facing the reality of what is happening can create issues of trust. This is normal and happens as the relationship undergoes changes that brings up trust issues. It is important to see the experience as a journey not an isolate series of events and to discuss the issue, in a calm and non-judgmental, manner.

In contrast it is very possible cuckolding can be a very positive experience that confirms trust in the relationship and allows the relationship to grow further.

Finally

Cuckolding is not right for every couple. For those that it suitable then cuckolding can be a great experience for any couple who is willing to undertake the risk, who is willing to communicate, and trust each other. It can bring them together, provide powerful visual images for foreplay that will last for many years, and it can improve their communication. It is one roller coaster ride, for the right couple, that is worth taking.

Related Articles

Cuckolding Guide: Enjoying Sloppy Seconds

Power of Sloppy Seconds

Her first date: A cuckolding guide for her

Her first date: A cuckolding guide for him

After Yes Now What: A cuckolding beginners guide

10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask

Cuckolding for Couples: Making cuckolding a partnership

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First time? 10 things I should I expect

First time drawing near?

Having your first threesome is a lot like riding a bike for the first time without training wheels or your first kiss. It is is a lasting experience that will create a lasting impression. So, the question that is probably lurking, what should I expect from my first threesome?

Unlike twenty years ago or even a few years ago having a threesome is more accepted. However a lot of unbiased information does not exist. Too often talk shows, news, and even friends present a myopic image of the experience. There are a lot of reasons as to why this occurs, such as money, a point to be made, or to attract viewers. Whatever the reason, the experience gets missed in favor of glamorizing it.

1) Reality of having a threesome or cuckold is not like porn, television, or the movies.

Having a threesome experience or cuckold experience involves real people and real feelings with real consequences. Once you begin the process of exploring the idea your relationship will forever change. Expect to feel a variety of emotions, thoughts and feelings over a period of time. It is easy to react to them but do not. Allow a significant amount of time to pass and talk about your feelings before making any decision that may have long reaching consequences. Remember this reality and there is no magical way to reverse time to a point before having the experience.

2) Performance anxiety happens

Expectations can be built up  leading to stress that can lead to performance related issues. Performance anxiety shows up in many different ways:

Men:

• In ability to become erect or maintain an erection
• Premature ejaculation
• Hesitation or reluctance
• Nervousness, anxiety, withdrawing, or emotional

Women:

• Lack of response
• Unable to lubricate or maintain being wet
• Emotional and / or withdrawing

Best way to minimize the effect of performance related issues is to limit expectations, keep realistic expectations, and communicate about issues as they occur.

3) Change

Everyday we learn something new, we grow from our experience and it is foolish to believe we do not change. By having a threesome, you will be introducing a lot of change to the relationship in a very short amount of time. Some change will occur very rapid. Changes that are likely to occur include:

• As a couple the way you communicate
• Attitude towards each other
• How you view and relate to your spouse / partner
• Beliefs towards relationships, marriage, and life
• Feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

It is important to remember wanting a threesome or cuckold is a life changing experience that will have far-reaching effects. Therefore, it is important to be cautious and to remember your spouse / partner are also going through a similar experience even though they may not be showing the behaviors.

4) Different Starting and ending points

Having a threesome in some ways is like a sprint. Everyone starts at difference places but ends at the point. In a journey to have a threesome, everyone begins their journey with preconceived ideas based on beliefs and experiences. Once the journey begins and the idea of swinging is explored the idea becomes more tangible. This can lead to changes whereby the individual who initially brought-up the idea may become more calculating because the idea is no longer pure fantasy and an element of reality is entering. Likewise someone who may be reluctant and starts understanding the possibilities may become eager. It is therefore possible each person who begins this journey may find they undergo a transformation.

5) The third person

Swinging can have a far reaching effect on the individual and the relationship. Choosing the right third person is paramount in ensuring continuity, before and after the experience, and preserving the relationship. Also choosing the right third person can enhance the experience and make it a very caring experiencing

So, how do you find the right third person? The is a temptation, when starting out, to choose a friend or a co-worker. On the surface the choice appears logical. However choosing someone well known brings its own set of issues. Whilst it is impossible to speculate on every possible scenario, one thing is clear sometimes choosing someone that is unknown can be a better choice.

There is no guarantee any route you choose to find a third person will work. The best route, I believe, is method that uses all of the tools available to you. This includes using online sites asking questions and meeting the individual before any activity happens. It does not have to be a several month process of asking in depth questions and developing a close friendship. Instead it can be relatively brief to develop trust and feel confident the third person has your best interest at heart.

6) Nothing can be prepare you for the night

The day finally arrives. A mixture of feelings happen. Anxiety, fear, and the elation only to find the need to remain calm. Then a few hours before meeting the third person trying on several pieces of clothing happens and getting your hair just right. She looks beautiful and you begin looking at it as a night that will be remembered.

After a bit of socializing the discussion turns to sex. At first a few jokes get made, then the discussion becomes a bit more serious before discovering you have reached the point of no return. Everybody heads to the bedroom she undresses before laying on the bed. Soon everyone is naked and for a few minutes it is a very erotic experience.

Soon kissing, touching, and intimacy begins. All of the discussion and preparation culminates into this experience. There is a feeling of surrealism that fills the room. At first you soak in the experience but soon your beliefs begin to become challenged. It is almost as though something has overtaken your body. Your responses feel as though it is someone else in control. In some ways it is liberating because this is a feeling that has never been experienced and other ways it is frightening since it is easy to lose control.

Soon he enters your wife and a flood of emotions hit. Now there is no turning back and your relationship has forever been changed. She lays there, appearing to enjoy it. Her reaction makes you frightened and shatters everything you know of her.

7) Did it happen?

Having a threesome means accepting change will occur. After the threesome expect a lot of change to happen. Expect as the thrill wears off that there may be feelings of mourning, anger, and feelings of distance. This is normal. A lot has happened prior, during, and after the threesome. Now it is time for your mind to work through all of it.

During this time it is important to discuss feelings and the experience. This means do not shut your spouse out but use them as a resource. Having a threesome can be a powerful force that brings couples together if they are willing to work together instead of driving them away.

8) We will have another threesome?

It is good that you consider the idea and think about your experience. Most couples who have threesomes do not live a threesome lifestyle. Instead they may have an occasional, maybe a few in their relationship, and maybe they will only have one. The answer to that question depends on time and on the experience.

9) No one will know

After having a threesome it is possible to feel that everyone knows your secret. Most likely the only ones who know are the third person, your spouse, and you. It is unlikely others will know unless you were in public, you are well known, or you are upfront about having threesomes. In most situations, people are too afraid to ask or by ‘outting‘ they are also telling on themselves. This means in many circumstances no one will know unless you tell them.

10) Long-term implications

It is impossible to know the outcome when you begin your journey. If you approach having a threesome with love, trust, and caring for the participants then it is realistic to expect a positive outcome. Even if the initial experience is bad, in time, you may find the experience was beneficial or positive. Regardless of your initial feelings a threesome that has gone will can increase happiness, satisfaction, and communication in a relationship.

Other Articles of Interest:

10 Questions about Threesomes you were afraid to ask

Easing into a threesome

Threesome planning

Suggesting a threesome, what does it mean?

How to suggest a threesome

Threesome Terminology

Watching my wife having sex with someone else

Threesome positions

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10 Word Press articles you may have missed for the week of 5 May 2014

Intro

This week has been slow, with only a few pieces being published. Hopefully I have chosen a good cross-section that everyone can find something they enjoy.

Highlights

So What Are You Doing Friday Night? While I believe a bit more editing would have helped, nonetheless this article is a thought provoking article examining men responding to a woman who is the one pursuing them for sex.

Infidelity Fantasies a great short piece talking about the fantasy many men have but do not mention, being aroused by their wives cheating on them.

1) How I Seduced My Friend’s Wife by sexualimaginist

2) Jake’s Story (Chapter 2) by Tales of a Slut Wife

3) So What Are You Doing Friday Night? by Pyx

4) Infidelity Fantasies by Boy Lust

5) Caution! Tipsy Post by Krystalla

6)  5 Laws for Establishing Boundaries by Threesomes and Variations

7) 13 Things Porn Teaches Kids That Schools Does Not by Beyond The Tabloids

8) Surprise by Smarlene

9) Is Swinging Coming Out of the Closet by A Walk in the Snow

10) A Visit from a Friend by Sissymaid Diaries

April’s list

Week of 22 April 2014

Week of 15 April 2014

Week of 29 April 2014

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21 Points to consider before having your first threesome (singles)

Am I ready for my first threesome?

It is amazing the transformation attitudes towards having a threesome has gone through over the last 25 years. It has gone from the image of ‘seedy’ couples and ‘sex crazed’ guys to an acceptable practice. It goes without anything the transformation is incomplete and more needs to be done. However, it is now possible for both single men and single women to fulfill a part of their sexual need through a threesome. The reasons why a single man or a single might seek a threesome for their sexual need varies greatly, from wanting to explore the idea to being too busy for a relationship.

With that said, looking for a couple to have a threesome with can be time consuming endeavor that may yield no results or the results may not be what the individual was expecting. Plus it can mean making sacrifices in your personal life in order to have a threesome.

Below are some points for single men and women to consider before deciding to begin their search for their perfect threesome:

1)   Do I have the time to search for a suitable couple?

2)  Do I understand what is involved with having a threesome?

3)  Do I understand having a threesome is not like the porn movies and I will be interacting with real people?

4)  What is my sexual identity? Am I comfortable sexually interacting with someone of my own gender?

5)  Can I be outgoing, sociable? Am I able to start and hold my own in a conversation?

6)  Can I deal with rejection?

7)  What do I want from a threesome?

8)  Can I deal honestly with the couple and deal honestly with myself?

9)   Can I keep an emotional distance from the couple? If not, then is having a threesome the best choice for me?

10)  Can I have sex with someone if I am physically attracted to them without being emotionally attracted too?

11)  Can sex be a physical experience without it leading to a relationship?

12)  Wanting a relationship and wanting a threesome are many times incompatible. If given a choice which will pick? Why?

13)  Being the ‘third’ in a relationship means you are a tool, device, or toy for the couple. Thereby implying you are not an equal in their relationship and it implies you are replaceable.

14)  Can you be submissive and not dominate the relationship?

15)  Can you be intimate with two people at once while not becoming a part of their drama?

16)  Are you able to view the couple as a couple thereby respecting their relationship and not view it is an opportunity for NSA sex?

17) Am I assertive enough to say ‘no’ if I do not feel the situation will work?

18) Am I willing to practice safe-sex?

19) Do I have a plan for my physical and emotional safety?

20) What attitudes do I hold about couples who search for a threesome?

21) Can I take responsibility for my choices?

 

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The Power of Three(somes)

When considering the idea of having a threesome we want an ironclad guarantee that it will be successful, enjoyable, and our relationship will remain intact. Many of us look at a threesome like buying a new car with a try before you buy or money back guarantee. Some may look at having a threesome like calling a psychic hotline, seeing the future and knowing the outcome. Without some type of guarantee or without knowing the results of the threesome it makes many of reluctant to try it.

Dancetinyfox offers something worth considering and something I have been recently discussing too, liberation. The idea of having a threesome because it offers an opportunity to experience a unique form of happiness. The opportunity to selflessly share your spouse with someone else then bask in the happiness that it may bring through a loving and supporting relationship.

This article, for some, can offer a route to relationship happiness and fulfillment.

 

The Power of Three(somes).

via The Power of Three(somes).

12 points for single men and women to consider before having a threesome

1) Can I emotionally handle having a threesome?

Having a threesome requires an emotional investment that will ultimately lead to the relationship with the couple ending.

2) What impact will having a threesome have on my current relationship?

Unless you have an open relationship having a threesome can be devastating for a relationship.

3) What impact will having a threesome with a couple have on them?

A single individual needs to understand not all couples have threesomes because it is a mutual decision. Sometimes couples have a threesome because there is an underlying issue that is not always noticeable to them. If it appears the couple has relationship issues then it is better to say ‘no’ and avoid the drama then becoming sucked into the relationship vortex.

4) What are my needs?

Especially for single males, finding a couple that is interested in them takes priority over communicating needs. It is important that you understand your needs and find a compatible couple that meets your needs.

5) Can I communicate my needs?

Having a threesome is more than sex. From my experience, I believe, having a threesome is the summit in communication. Having a threesome that works requires a lot of work in communicating, understanding your needs, and being able to compromise in order to make everyone happy. Without the ability to communicate, negotiate, and compromise then having an enjoyable threesome is very difficult.

6) What do I feel is my role in a threesome?

This goes inline with communication and need. Finding a threesome that will work means understanding they type of role you want in a threesome. Do you want a voyeur / soft-swinging, same-sex contact, or straight?

7) Will I be able to emotionally detach from the couple?

Unless the threesome involves an open relationship / polyamory then being able to keep an emotional distance will be necessary. Having a threesome means being able to separate sex from emotion and without that ability you will find you will struggle with it.

8) Can I cope with rejection?

Searching for a threesome will mean having to face rejection, especially if you are man. Without being to cope with rejection then you will find finding a threesome to be frustrating.

9) Am I willing to make having a threesome a priority?

Having a threesome, especially if you are man, will mean investment in time. If you cannot commit the time and make having a threesome a priority then you may find you struggle with finding a threesome.

10) Am I outgoing / extrovert?

Previously mentioned having a threesome is the summit of communication. Likewise having a threesome is a very social and very intimate experience. A couple is inviting you to a very intimate experience with them and getting past the ‘hurdles’ requires the ability to convince the couple you are the right choice for them. This is accomplished by speaking with both of them and not sitting like a log. If you cannot become outgoing in this type of situation then chance of success diminishes.

11) Same-sex contact, bi-curious, or straight?

In order to clarify the type of threesome you are wanting it is important to decide the limit, if any, on same-sex contact in the threesome. This will determine the type of couples that will contact you and what couples expect from you.

12) Can you see the couple as a couple instead of NSA sex?

Couples have a threesome for a plethora of reasons and it is important that you see the couple as a couple. Showing the couple respect for their relationship will help you convince them you are the right choice more than seeing a threesome as a chance for NSA sex.

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5 threesome sites to follow

Threesomes / swinging sites for bookmarking

Below are five threesome / swinging sites that are worth being book marked for use. They provide a wealth of information for both the individual exploring the idea of having a threesome through to the veteran swinger.

1) Reddit Swingers Community:

• Registration: Required
• Cost: Free
• Type of Site: Moderated forums
• Target audience: all
• Description: Reddit Swingers Community is quite similar to its community for cuckolding. However, this site focuses on couples and singles interested in threesomes. It is a great site for anyone looking to for more information, to ask questions, or seeking support.

2) Swing Lifestyle

• Registration: Required
• Cost: Free but for certain services payment of a fee is required
• Type of site: Social
• Target audience: Primarily those in the United States and Canada; however there are some contacts from from Europe.
• Description: Swing lifestyle is arguable the quintessential site for anyone interested in threesomes, wife-swapping, cuckolding, or group sex activity. It provides contact to others who share similar interests, provides stories, and the opportunity to interact with other members. The one drawback if you are outside of the US or Canada you might find it is limited in meeting other similar like minded individuals.

3) NASCA

• Registration: Not required if you are an individual.
• Cost: Free but the site does offer membership to receive information
• Type of Site: Portal – links to other sites
• Target Audience: Those interested in threesomes / swinging in the US and Canada. They provide information for those living in Europe but unfortunately it is not as comprehensive.
• Description: NASCA, should not be confused with NASA since each are very unique. NASCA’s purpose is simple linking individuals with the threesome / swinging world. They provide information regarding swingers clubs, travel, and web sites. It is a great web site in finding threesome / swinging clubs and other information.

4) Sexuality.org

• Registration: Not required
• Cost: None
• Type of site: Information
• Target Audience: Anyone interested in ‘alternative’ sexual lifestyles or anyone looking for information regarding ‘alternative life-sytles.’
• Description: I have a lot of praise for this site. It is a good resource if you are looking for objective information regarding alternative sexual practices that it not written at the academic level; however this site has, sadly scaled itself back with archives on gay, fetishes, and BDSM activities. Nonetheless they continue to keep their swinging section alive and still remains a good source of information.

5) Twitter

• Registration: Required
• Cost: None
• Type of Site: Micorblogging
• Target audience: anyone interested in the topic
• Description: Twitter is a micro blogging site whereby members send out ‘tweets’ of less than 140 characters. For those interested in threesomes and alternative sexual practices it provides the opportunity to connect with like-minded individuals. It also allows the user to follow subjects and members that share interests. It can be quite a powerful tool for those interested in this type of activity.

 

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The problem with threesomes

Author makes a good point about finding a threesome and I believe it is worth taking the time to read.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have.

The problem with threesomes.

via The problem with threesomes.

Related articles

• Planning a threesome on your own (3somes.wordpress.com)
• My journey (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Threesome and bisexuality (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Threesomes (universitysexdiaries.wordpress.com)
• Married Threesome (threesomedating.wordpress.com)
• Threesome advice for Irish teens on state-funded website sparks anger (metro.co.uk)

A comprehensive discussion of cheating and threesomes

Introduction:

Planning a threesome brings many challenges for a couple. There are some challenges that are fairly obvious, like being able to successfully deal with watching your partner having sex with someone else. While other challenges are less obvious, such as resolving the social message that a relationship needs to be monogamous. Resolving the issue of monogamy, particularly when it involves defining cheating, can pose a hurdle especially because cheating is a term we understand but it is a word that has a specific meaning for each person. Such variation can create different expectations when considering a threesome and it if not resolved it may mean each person is held to a different standard. Overcoming the different definitions of cheating becomes quite important in the context of having a threesome since the success of the threesome and ultimately a couple’s relationship may hinge on the definition. Therefore, successfully defining cheating, this author feels, is a cornerstone of having a successful threesome. It will define what activity is acceptable in a threesome and how much tolerance a couple will have between defining what is an acceptable misunderstanding and actual cheating. In addition, this author believes, how a couple defines cheating will ultimately determine if they will have a threesome or not. For a couple, a lot can hinge on how they define cheating. This section will provide an opinion regarding the a definition of cheating by exploring some of the sources of the idea of cheating, then by breaking the topic down into its elements and finally this chapter will propose an alternative definition that may work, for some couples.

The Beginning – Early Experiences shaping the definition of cheating.

In order to understand the reason for the variation regarding the event that breaks a trust in a relationship, it is important to look at person’s childhood. Childhood is a time in our lives where our job is learning. Learning occurs in many different forms. It occurs formally in the classroom and it occurs informally through our interactions with our environment, such as playing with friends. During our childhood we play a lot of games that have rules, as we get older the rules become more complex and we become upset when a participant in the game intentionally breaks a rule in order to have a greater chance of winning. At that point we become upset and claim that the person “cheated.” Then as we get older formal game playing begins to end and we play a more abstract game called dating.

Once we begin to “date” we begin to apply the rules we observed about relationships from adults around us along with our observations we begin applying our own belief system to the rules we feel that should define dating. Early during our dating experience, when a relationship tends to be short-term and we begin to learn how to care for another, we begin to confront the issue of what is cheating. The person we are dating may have gone to the local soda fountain for a phosphate or talked to a person of the opposite sex. Cheating, during this time, is clear-cut whereby any physical contact with someone else, regardless of how trivial it is, or acts inconsistent with our belief of what a couple does, is considered cheating. This leads to a “check-list” being developed because we have not learned how to communicate effectively in a relationship and the “check-list” serves as a way to protect ourselves being hurt while dating. Such a “check-list” defines physical activities we define as cheating and other activities if occur will ensure the relationship comes to an end. However as we get older and become better at communicating, in a relationship, then the cheating “check-list” we developed as young adults becomes challenged. Once it is challenged it requires some introspection in order to determine where our feelings on the subject lie and in most cases the “check-list” becomes no longer is fit for purpose. Should it be no longer fit for purpose, this means some type of change has been made to the person’s world view and it means the person’s definition of cheating is evolving. Moreover this means, the definition we hold for cheating is a continuously evolving definition based on experiences and challenges to the definition.

Trust, the foundation for defining cheating

Trust has many meanings and it means different things to different people. In the context of relationship that is considering a threesome, in order for a relationship to last and to function, there must be trust. Essentially trust can be defined as the reliance on what someone is saying or doing is true. When we are discussing cheating then cheating is a breaking of a trust. However, what still remains unclear is what constitutes a breaking of trust. When you begin talking about a committed type of relationship, such as a couple considering a threesome, then trust takes on a broader meaning. This usually means there is an interrelationship between trust and boundaries since boundaries provides the guidance about the type of events that can break the trust in the relationship. Boundaries define the limits to which the threesome will operate and it builds a level of trust, this author feels, by building confidence that the threesome will not go outside of those boundaries. By having boundaries it allows the relationship to function by instilling a level of trust, otherwise this author feels having a threesome will become much more difficult.

This implies that any communication must be based on honesty and there cannot be any deceit. Such a statement also implies there is no universal list to determine truth. Instead truth comes about from the examination of the situation and understanding the person. Furthermore it can be said that trust is a core element that forms a relationship and without being able to trust the other in a relationship the relationship cannot function. Therefore this author believes that, trust develops over time resulting from effective communication, learning about the individual, and is the result of working together as a team. The more a couple invests in their relationship by developing trust and defining their limits of their relationship the more likely it is able to weather adversity.  The trust is broken it may be repaired, though not guaranteed, by re-establishing trust.

How does trust and having a threesome relate? Having a threesome requires that trust exists and having a threesome relies on the fact that no one will break an agreed boundary. Also it requires for a threesome to be successful that each person trust the other two. Having a threesome is not like going to a burger place and trusting that the cashier will get your order correct. In a threesome situation you essentially trust the other two with your life and that they will respect you enough to adhere to the boundaries.

Finally, the question becomes how does trust and threesome relate to cheating? Essentially cheating results from a trust being broken. In a threesome situation boundaries are principally the union of each person’s sexual comfort limit and by exceeding that limit trust is broken. Once trust is broken cheating becomes a possibility. This then raises another question is trust and cheating interlinked?

Difference between Trust and Cheating

Up to this point this author has not defined the difference between trust and cheating beyond talking about boundaries. However for cheating to occur there must be emotional investment in the relationship and without emotional investment, it can be said no cheating can occur. An example is a friend with benefit relationship. In this type of relationship, boundaries exist to define the relationship and to keep an emotional attachment from developing. This means it does not matter if the person is being honest about having sex with someone because the type of relationship is based on physical attraction without making an emotional investment.

Knowledge of Partner, what does that mean?

Before defining cheating it is important to define one more concept, knowledge of partner is a term that implies having a relationship with a person and from that experience a knowledge base is developed. Then from that knowledge base certain expectations, expected behaviors in a given situation, and if the relationship develops long enough a particular “couple’s language” develops whereby the couple develops their own words along with a specific communication style. The communication style and language serves as a foundation for understanding. However when in a threesome situation it is best to return to the basics by abandoning any special words and any special communication style in order to ensure that nothing gets missed. Nonetheless the specific communication style and words could help as a way to communicate interest or lack thereof when selecting the third person.

What does this all mean, a proposed definition for cheating?

This author feels that the definition of cheating can be defined by, a couple in a long-term relationship where both has an emotional investment in the relationship and when a trust has been either intentionally or recklessly violated.  Such a definition excludes simple misunderstanding, excludes emotional cheating (e.g. emotional affairs), and instead requires that violating a trust is something that can be expected from the chosen action taken. Expecting an action to violate a trust means that there is an awareness, at some level, that performing the action will result in a loss of trust and even though the awareness exists the individual nonetheless chose to partake in that behavior.

The above definition can seem confusing and this author will present two scenarios to highlight how to apply the definition.

Scenario 1: Couple A (Mr M & his wife Mrs A) agree to invite another male, Mr D for a two male threesome. A boundary for Couple A is that Mrs A can perform oral on Mr. D but Mr. D cannot cum in her mouth. During the threesome Mrs A performs oral on Mr. D that results in him cumming in her mouth. The question becomes did Mrs. A cheat on Mr. M by violating the boundary?

Discussion: This is a difficult question to answer as there are allot of “it depends,” and a need to evaluate the situation in order to determine if cheating did occur. One area to be considered was Mr. D aware of the boundary and was he asked to let Mrs. A to know when it was close to “cumming” so that he could try to pull out? Another question to be answered, did Mr. D cum too fast because of the excitement and stress of the situation? It could be that even if Mrs. A had warning that it could not have been avoided because Mr. D “cummed” too quickly. Third question to be answered what was Mrs A intention? A lot of this revolves around what Mr. M knows about his wife and the current state of their relationship. Also, it comes down to what Mrs. A felt about her decision to perform oral on Mr. D to the put of “cumming” and if she was willing to take the risk that it might be seen as cheating. Finally, did the couple risk assess this activity, meaning did they realize that this was a possible consequence and they were prepared, as a couple, to accept that Mr. D might not be able to “pull-out” in time. My feeling the answer comes down to how important this boundary was to keep, how much discussion occurred, the understanding each person had of the boundary, and given their planned threesome how practical it was to expect Mr. D would not “cum” too fast.

Scenario 2: Using same couple from above, they agree that any communication with the third person would be transparent, whereby each of them would be present when any communication would occur. Mrs. A waits until Mr. M goes to be and uses IRC to plan a meeting alone with Mr. D. Mrs. A does not tell Mr. M of the meeting and he only discovers it a few days later when he discovers a saved chat between the two of him while he was a sleep.

Discussion: Unless there was some agreement between Mr M & Mrs A, such as she should meet him alone or that she should talk with him alone, then it is probable that cheating had a occurred due to the fact, as a couple, they agreed that any communication would occur in the presence of the other. Mrs. A should have known or did know that communicating without her husband present to meet the other alone would be considered cheating since it is in contrast to what has been agreed.  

For a couple wanting to have a threesome and avoid cheating it means that they need to have definable boundaries that are understood along with being agreeable. In addition it means that for the couple they must rely more on their knowledge of their partner when considering if cheating has occurred in a threesome. If a couple encounters a violation of a boundary during a threesome, their definition is quite rigid and do not examine the violation in the larger context by trying to determine what caused it to happen then it is this author’s feeling that couple will face major problems for their relationship .

Finally it goes without saying threesomes are risky, even if every precautions are taken and it is planned meticulously. Defining cheating and if a violation of trust occurs then considering it in the context of why it happened does not ensure protection from anything damaging to the relationship. All it ensures is that added protection to the relationship is given via communication and agreeing on the definition.

Related articles

• OP-ED: Essential characteristics that every couple considering a threesome should have (3somes.wordpress.com)
• FAQs about boundaries (3somes.wordpress.com)
• FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2 (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Threesome Terminology (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Writing an ad – Advice for single males (3somes.wordpress.com)
• FAQs – Finding a third person (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Polyamory vs. Threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)

Mixed Signals – What do they mean?

The lights are low, your partner is in the mood and then you bring up your fantasy of having a threesome. Shockingly, your partner is receptive to the idea of having a threesome and they are getting quite aroused by the idea. By seeing them aroused, you begin believing your fantasy is about to come true. However, they cum and fall asleep then the next morning you attempt to plan the threesome only to find they no longer want to go through with it. What has happened in less than 24 hours? Does this sound familiar?

Most likely the above situation, at a minimum, leads to confusion and at worst leads to conflict in the relationship. Mixed signals, as it is sometimes termed, can be confusing for those wanting to have a threesome a threesome but lack the understanding of the process. This type of situation is common when there is, typically at some level, an interest in having a threesome but the individual is conflicted about having a threesome. The conflict stems, this author believes, from resolving the desire to have a threesome against various other sources such as personal beliefs, society’s expectations, religious beliefs, and the individual’s previous experience with the topic. It does not mean, at their core they want to have a threesome and looking for approval to have one. Instead it means there is openness to the subject but the person’s beliefs is preventing them from embracing the idea. Essentially this means they find the fantasy of having a threesome arousing but when confronted with the realities of having a threesome; it means there is some reservation about going through with it.

This leads to another topic, understanding the difference between fantasy and the reality of having a threesome. In the fantasy threesome you are the director, the actor, the writer, and have control over the scene. It means you can control the outcome, the reactions, and how it sets up. However, in reality you are one of three individuals in the threesome and you are the one who has control over your reactions. By being responsible for your reactions, it means you are not in control of the other two.

Is there a way to overcome their resistance? Personal beliefs are very difficult to overcome since it forms the person’s personality and it is based on a lifetime of learning. Instead the best way to handle this situation is not to pressure, manipulate, coerce, or get the person high / drink to get your threesome. Instead it is best to leave the subject alone for a period of time, working on building your relationship with them, and work at making them feel secure in their relationship with you.  Then after a period of at least year, coming back to the subject and seeing if there is a change and if there is a change then it may mean they have had time to process the idea. However, if they are still resistant to it then it may be something that does not materialize or it may mean it may take years before they are ready.

Having a threesome is not a sprint but more like a marathon. It is important to pace yourself, to plan it out, and to give it time without pressure. Also it is important to remember, there is no fixed time for a threesome to happen and each threesome happens on their own time. If it does not happen then it is important to remember to love your partner / spouse for who they are and not for what they can give you.  If you can do that then you will be happy whatever they outcome maybe.