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FAQs about cuckolding

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The leather pride flag, which has become a sym...

What is cuckolding?

Cuckolding refers to a committed couple whereby the woman has sex with someone outside of their relationship. It is done with the knowledge and consent of her partner.

With that said this author feels there are two forms of cuckolding. One form has elements of BDSM in particular domination / submission, which typically involves some form of humiliation. In this form it is the woman who takes on the dominant role and the male takes on the submissive role. Typically the woman will limit or withhold sex from her male partner while she is involved with another male. Also, it is common for the male to wear a male chastity device to prevent him from masturbating.

Second form involves sharing the experience. In this form of cuckolding there is no domination / submission with humiliation. Instead both agree to the experience and the woman finds a male lover outside of their relationship. Once she returns she will typically share the experience with her male partner. This may include not bathing and telling him about the experience while they have sex.

What is cuckqueaning?

It is the same as cuckolding except it is the male that takes on a lover outside of the relationship and generally speaking, this form is much less common than cuckolding. On this site, this author uses cuckolding to address both cuckolding and cuckqueaning.

How is cuckolding different than having a threesome?

Cuckolding differs from a threesome in two fundamental ways. The first way, cuckolding is more of an individual activity than a team activity. Unlike a threesome it is the woman who does most of the searching and it is her that will have sex with someone else without her partner being there.

Second way cuckolding is different, for the woman it means she is no longer monogamous to her partner but her partner remains, in most cases, monogamous.

This means cuckolding is a quasi-open relationship whereby the man has a less active role and the woman primarily plans her experience. The extent to which she shares the experience is primarily determined by the boundaries they have established.

Is cuckolding an open relationship?

In this author’s opinion, cuckolding can be a form of an open relationship and the test is how long it lasts. If it is something the couple tries a few times and then agrees not to incorporate in their lives then it is not. However, if it is something that continues and becomes a part of their life then this author feels it is a form of an open relationship that normally involves one partner remaining exclusive.

Would you recommend cuckolding to a couple who has no threesome or wife swapping experience?

No, without some group sex experience, such as threesome or wife-swapping, the couple is not fully aware of the issues involved. Typical issues include emotional reactions, communication, and the work needed to support the relationship. Group sex experience will not necessarily prepare the couple for cuckolding but it will give them some experience regarding the issues that they may face should they try cuckolding. Instead this author feels the right approach would be to start out with having a threesome and then let cuckolding evolve naturally from it.

What are three issues a couple may face if they try cuckolding?

Beyond the issues of pregnancy and STIs probably the most common issue will be jealousy. Jealousy will come in different forms such as feeling disconnected from your partner, feeling ignored or outright jealous. Another issue is communication. Again it can take different forms such as too much communication about what is occurring, too little communication, or not the right communication. If a couple tries cuckolding communication is going to be paramount to keeping their relationship together. Final issue, resolving feelings about cuckolding, cuckolding is a practice that is not readily accepted and very few people understand. This means there is very little support and it also means it can create a lot of feelings about participating in this type of experience. It is important if a couple is going to try this then both of them are confident in their choice.

Should I have my partner meet my lover before anything happens?

It comes down to your agreed boundaries but it is something this author recommends. Having them meet them will help both of you and ideally they should have the last say, if it happens. By doing this, it allows them to take part in the decision making process and it gives them the responsibility for agreeing. If they agree then they share the responsibility for the decision for cuckolding to occur.

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Why couples choose full threesomes

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

pregnancy test Introduction Previously this author talks about life being a journey and how cuckolding can be a part of that journey. Not everyone on life’s journey considers cuckolding and for others their journey leads them to a full-threesome. Why do some couples choose having a full-threesome over cuckolding? The answers are infinite but this author will explore three of them.

Defining Full Threesome

In order to discuss this topic it is important to define a full threesome. A full threesome is not soft-swinging and it involves maintaining emotional monogamy, which means the couple maintains an exclusive emotional bond even though the physical bond may be broken by having sex with someone else. Typically this is the type of threesome that is thought of when the word is discussed and it means all three are together with some interacting among them occurring. The interacting may not, necessarily be sexual and it involves all three being physically present.

Loosing the fear of pregnancy and solidifying the relationship

Anyone who has ever done any searching online for a threesome may notice there are two vague age groups. The first age group being early 20s and someone in their early 20s tends to be someone seeking a long-term relationship. Also, at this point, women become the dominant gender and means they out number their male counterpart leading to a surplus of men. From a social-biological standpoint, having a threesome can be a strategy employed by the female in order to keep the male interested. By having a threesome it shows to the male she is someone who is not jealous and is someone who is opened mind. Typically the number of times the threesome occurs is limited and the couple moves on to being monogamous. Another potential explanation at this age there is still a willingness to explore and take risks. This means, at this age, the individual(s) may not have had much long-term relationship experience and may be oblivious to the risks involved leading them to participate in a threesome without fully considering the risk. Even if they have some long-term relationship experience they may discount the risk and proceed anyway. The potential result being a successful threesome or damage to the relationship. The second age group tends to be late 30s – 50s. During this time two events occur. First event involves the woman entering menopause.   Some will argue increase influence of testosterone increases the woman’s sex drive and increases her interest in having a threesome. Second event during this time, any children in the home is most likely able to stay in the home unsupervised for a period of time and in some cases, may have already left the home. For a couple at this stage, it means there is less stress about worrying about child-care arrangements thereby allowing them to explore this part of their relationship. With that said another event tends to flow from these two life changing events, the lessening or removal of the fear of pregnancy. By middle-age family size has stabilized and most couples will have employed some strategy to limit the size of their (e.g. sterilization, long-term birth control such as NorPlant). Also, entering menopause means the risk of pregnancy decreases until menopause begins when pregnancy is no longer possible. Since the fear of pregnancy is reduced it allows the couple the opportunity to explore alternative sexual practices with lowered chance of pregnancy.

Relationship fixes

For some couples after a few years, the relationship becomes predictable and the reason why they became a couple is lost. This means a couple may turn to have a threesome to rekindle something that they feel has been lost. Unfortunately, a predictable relationship may be a sign of a deeper underlying problem, lack of communication. This author feels, the best way to fix this is to find a way of reconnecting instead of turning to a threesome. Sometimes other things occur in the relationship and the couple seeks a threesome to address the change. For example one member of the couple may discover they are bisexual or feel an open relationship might be right. Depending on the circumstances a threesome might be a realistic solution.

Fantasy

For some couples the idea of a threesome starts off as a fantasy and as the fantasy develops it becomes a focus for them until it happens. Fantasy does not mean talking about the idea, as a fantasy, during foreplay. It also includes watching porn or abstractly talking about the idea. The advantage here is the couple can use the fantasy to communicate their feelings about a threesome and it provides an avenue for discussion. However, the fantasy may lead the couple to believe the threesome will happen as they envision it without considering the threesome may not happen as expected. This could lead to unrealistic expectations about it and it may lead the couple to be unprepared for possible eventualities.

Conclusion

The reason a couple chooses a threesome depends to a large extent on their situation. However, a reason does seem to be a threesome may occur to solidify a relationship or something happens in the relationship that brings the idea to fruition. How the idea evolves and the reason for it will decide, this author feels, the extent to which a threesome will be successful.

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Having the initial discussion

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Deveria16Bringing up the idea of having a threesome

How do I bring up the idea of having a threesome? What do I need to discuss when I bring up the idea? If my partner says “no,” how do I convince them to have a threesome? These are all common questions when considering bringing up the idea of having a threesome and this article will explore beginning the discussion of having a threesome.

To begin with, there is no way you can convince your partner / spouse to have a threesome. The best you can do is communicate you are open to the idea, communicate the boundaries for the experience, and you will support your partner / spouse if this agree to explore the idea.

So how do you bring up the idea? This is author feels there is only one way to bring up the idea, it is by being direct about the idea outside of the bedroom and done when nothing sexual is occurring. Being direct means not using euphemisms, not using innuendos, and not alluding to the idea. It means speaking confidently about the idea and being able to articulate the type of threesome you want. Being able to do this means, taking the time to consider the idea and feeling secure in the decision. Also it means not pressuring your partner into having a threesome and listening to their concerns. Finally it means understanding your partner well enough to know how to approach them and how to discuss the idea with them.

How do become confident enough to discuss it? A part of it involves being someone who is confident and without being confident then your partner is less likely to feel confident it is the right decision for them. Another part involves understanding the type of threesome you are wanting. Without understanding the type of threesome you are wanting, the risks, and without understanding what a threesome may mean for your relationship then it is unlikely an open discussion about having a threesome can occur.

This brings up the question, what happens if you feel confident about discussing the idea but your partner resists the idea? If you feel your partner will discuss the idea with you then there are two routes to consider. First route is taking small incremental steps, outside of the bedroom, in discussing the idea. There are many ways to do this such as asking about people your partner finds attractive, talking about subjects that indirectly relate to a threesome, or talking about their beliefs about relationships. Then begin building on the discussions. The advantage to this approach, it provides some insight about potential feelings about a threesome and if done correctly it allow for the opportunity to abort the discussion should it become clear a threesome will not occur. A disadvantage to this approach, especially if too long or wrong, your partner may become defensive and not be willing to discuss the subject with you.

The other approach involves foreplay. Foreplay is a way to introduce the idea of having a threesome through discussion of a fantasy or role-playing a third person joining the two of you. However, this approach works well for introducing the idea in a non-threatening way but it is a lousy indicator about the receptiveness of your partner to the idea.

In conclusion, introducing the idea of having a threesome involves understanding threesome and coming to terms with the impact a threesome may have on your relationship. After feeling confident in the idea the next step is to introduce the idea in a direct way outside of the bedroom. However, in some instances, it may mean building up to the conversation. This can involve trying to break-down the discussion into smaller parts by discussing aspects that relate to a threesome. The other approach involves bringing up the idea through role-playing or foreplay. In all cases there is no guarantee of success and if done correctly, it may open communication. Finally even though bringing up the idea of having a threesome maybe met with a lot of resistance and the answer may ultimately be “no,” we do not know what the future holds for us. Lovingly accept the answer but be ready the answer may unexpectedly change.

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Overcoming resistance to the idea of a threesome

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Fendi06

It is easy to search on the Internet the topic overcoming resistance to a threesome and find thousands of articles on the topic. Some will claim to have the secret formula while others will present other solutions such submissive training. In this author’s opinion none of them work and this author believes there is another approach. This approach involves using time to your advantage, building the relationship, and communication.

Before preceding this author does not claim it will lead to success but feels it can work in lowering the resistance to the idea thereby making the chance a threesome will occur more likely. The first aspect is time and this author feels it is analogous to a journey. In a journey the path is not always clear, sometimes detours need to be made and sometimes taking a rest is needed. Time can work wonders if the individual is allowed to think about having a threesome, process the information and has the opportunity to ask questions even though their reaction may have been quite negative. For time to work the individual must be allowed to think about it for a period of months or years before the subject is brought up again. Pushing the idea can create further resistance thereby lowering the chance a threesome will occur and build resentment to the idea. If time is used correctly, by allowing the discussion to occur over months or years, then it should help in lowering the resistance to the idea.

Next aspect is building the relationship and this can occur while the individual thinks about the idea. Building the relationship goes beyond flowers and doing romantic things. At its core it is about working with your partner in building a secure and loving relationship. This means working at resolving issues, finding ways to make them feel secure in their relationship with you, and finding ways to relate to them. An example might be ensuring that you make time for them each week by doing something together such as going out for supper or finding an activity to do together. Also it means finding ways to improve the way the two of you communicate.

Last aspect is communication. Bringing up the idea of a threesome indicates there is a reason for wanting it. Communication in this context means finding ways to talk about the reason for wanting a threesome before it leads to conflict and being able to articulate the reason. Also it means trying to find, non-threatening ways to talk about threesomes, relationships, and sexual needs. This means finding a way to open up the discussion about threesomes and have the discussion about what it means for each person.  In essence communication means discussing the larger issue of sex, your relationship with each other and what it will mean for the relationship.

The above approach does not guarantee a threesome will occur but it should help in bringing forward the discussion about having a threesome. Furthermore the unique approach involves using time as an advantage and using it to discuss the idea at regular intervals. By starting the discussion about having a threesome is the first step to a threesome and if, as a couple, this discussion is fruitful then it will lead to the next step in the threesome process. Even if the discussions are not productive it is this author’s hope the discussions led to a securer relationship that is happier. Finally a relationship is not about what each other is willing to give the other but the unique qualities that each possess that makes the relationship special.

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Discretly finding the third person

Posted in Etiquette, FAQ, Relationships, Threesomes by

Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

In the beginning

Having this site I do receive bountiful number of questions that get asked to which I will personally reply but this question asks two very fundamental questions that I feel is best answered by writing an article. It is my hope this helps others who have similar questions.

First question, how do they find a third person without announcing it.

Second how do you find someone without going into the party scene?

Why is the party scene bad for a newbie

The questions are similar enough that I will answer second question, regarding finding someone, first. To begin with, each option carries a degree of risk that can be managed if enough thought is put into the meeting and safety is considered. This does not mean it will be 100% safe or be uneventful. Instead it means careful planning can improve safety and increase the chance of having an enjoyable experience.

When looking for a threesome probably the worst place you can look is the party scene. The party scene can involve drugs and alcohol making a horrible combination for a threesome. Also, the party scene is not the best place for a couple just starting out because it requires communication and decisions being made very quickly. It is not impossible for someone to be successful at a party but like anything else, some learning needs to occur. By not having some experience, cues can be missed or misinterpreted. As a result it can lead to misunderstanding, missed opportunities, or breaching an agreed boundary. In my opinion, unless the couple knows someone who will act as a guide for them then it is better for them to develop their threesome skills before trying a party.

Swingers Clubs

Swingers club does offer a better option. There are variety of sources for finding a swingers club. Most swingers clubs because of alcohol licensing laws and adult entertainment law are BYOB (Bring your own bottle).  Meaning they do not serve alcohol and tend to have strict rules regarding drug use. Depending on the club, they can be a very welcoming and supportive place for a couple just starting out.

Nonetheless, swingers clubs are expensive. Costs can include buying the right dress since many clubs will not allow jeans and sneakers. If you live in a rural, sparsely populated area, or in the suburbs driving may become a factor. In very sparsely populated areas driving time to travel to to a club may be several hours. Finally a swingers club, like a party, requires solid social skills that need to be learned.

Online

Dating Websites and Threesome Websites

Many couples take their introduction into the world of wife sharing and group sex by going slower while protecting your privacy is using an online dating web site. that provide several advantages.

  • Allows creating an alias to protect identity and to limit information being provided
  • Replies can be screened
  • Speed of reply is set by the member.
  • Provides a medium to ask questions
  • A greater opportunity for communication and a greater opportunity for global discussions about taking the ‘plunge’ into having a threesome.
  • Greater control
  • More opportunity to communicate with the potential third person

In essence, it gives you to control about who you speak with and the speed at which you develop enough information to decide if having a threesome with the individual is practical.

A major drawback can be the expense along with the time needed. This is especially true if the search includes a single bisexual female, sometimes called a unicorn. A second drawback is people tend to create an online facade and it will take some time in order to break through that facade in order to understand the real person and once you meet them they may not be the person whom they say they are.

Amateur Photo Sites

Along with or as an alternative to using a sites designed for threesomes are amateur photo sites. Similar rules apply for creating an alias but on these sites it is better if you do not advertise you are looking for a threesome. Generally speaking using an amateur photo web site is a great choice if you are wanting a soft-swing experience by using photos or having a web cam experience.

These sites tend to create a voyeur experience and it may mean you have to invest a bit more time since the individual may think you are trying to create a threesome fantasy for them instead of a real experience. Plus you may have to spend some extra time doing some vetting and building up a relationship to have a threesome because individuals tend to want the fantasy of having a threesome instead of actually having one.

Holiday Vacation

Third option might be having a threesome while on holiday / vacation. This is an excellent option if privacy is an issue, job is an issue, or if developing feelings for the third person will become an issue. By having a threesome while away will protect your privacy, limit involvement, and can lower resistance to the idea since the risk of someone finding out is low.

The drawback to this option is the expense involved because such an option requires traveling several hundred or several thousand miles for this option to be effective.

Cellular Mobile Phone Applications

Fourth option as technology changes there are more options to find someone outside of the normal channels. I am reading some sites are developing apps for phones. Since these apps or still either in development or in their infancy it is very difficult to comment on them. The only thing I will say at this moment is be careful in regard to safety and security. This means doing your research on the app before installing it.

In answer to the second question of how to find someone without using the party scene? There are least four ways to be discrete about finding the third person. The choice comes down to your level of comfort, the risk you are willing to take, the expense, and which method best fits your needs.

Second question how to approach the third person without offending them?

Approaching someone regarding a threesome is at a minimum anxiety provoking and at the worse it can be deathly frightening because of degree of emotional vulnerability. This means in order to have a threesome you need to be gregarious and confident. A couple that is socially awkward may find themselves may miss opportunities because they are too afraid to say anything because they are afraid offending the other person or fear being rejected. If having a threesome important enough then becoming outgoing enough to let the other know your boundaries, preferences, and dislikes will happen.

The secret is following basic rules of etiquette, communicate, and be a gracious host. Spend time listening to the third person instead of talking too much or trying too hard. If time is taken to observe while listening and responding accordingly then there is little that will offend the third person.

With that said, having a threesome requires trust, communication, and a willingness to explore; this normally leads to a relaxation of social rules to allow a discussion regarding the threesome. Also it allows each person’s social guard to be lowered thereby allowing for sharing to occur. In the event a couple can be good socially then things ideally should fine.

What does this mean for the couple? If they are in a situation where it is implied the meeting is a threesome / group sex then it is implied the reason why everyone is there is to have sex. However if it is more intimate such as arranging a meeting to discuss the idea then the discussion needs to be a bit more delicate especially if the third person is not aware of the couple’s interest in having a threesome. In a situation where the third person is not aware of the couple’s interest then the best way is to be direct about their interest. Alluding to the idea or using euphemisms will only lead to confusion thereby making having a threesome difficult.

Final Thought

In answering the second question, the best way not to offend the third person is to be open and honest about your needs. This means being assertive and  not doing something that makes you uncomfortable in order to please the third person. It may also mean finding situations where it is assumed that people are looking for a group sex experience like a threesome thereby removing some of the uncertainty regarding if the third person is seeking a similar experience.

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Writing an ad – Advice for single men

Posted in Etiquette, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

English: Scene VI of the famous mural showing ...

Are Threesomes No Strings Attached (NSA)?

The idea of uncomplicated sex, with a couple appears appealing and after much contemplation the decision is made to post an ad for a couple searching for a single male. As the ad is being drafted, one obvious question enters the writer’s consciousness what should be included?

For a single man the starting point is accepting being a part of large pool of single men interested in having a threesome. The number of single men interested in a threesome exceeds the number of couples interested in a threesome and single women too. Also, it means being able to understand the couple’s perspective in their selection process. It is not enough to write, “I am great at giving oral,” or “I can make the ladies cum.” How many single men will publicly admit they are bad at giving oral or is completely unable to make a woman cum? The point here is do not be generic, think about what the couple might want from a third person beyond their sexual ability, and do not state the obvious. The other point, first impressions are lasting. Such a statement may attract a few couple but for many, it can be discouraging.

So how do you get beyond stating the obvious or being generic? Best approach is being yourself. This means writing the ad as though you were talking with the couple and letting them know why they should choose you instead of someone else. Also, think about the type of couple you want to meet and the type of threesome scenario you are wanting. The remaining part of this blog will cover what to avoid and what should be included.

Writing the Ad

First avoid using colloquialisms and clichés.  While it may be common to use colloquialisms and clichés in everyday conversation, when writing an ad it should be a bit more formal. The problem with colloquialisms and clichés is not everyone has the same understanding leading to confusion and the other problem it can create a bad impression.

Second, do not make assumptions. One assumption that is made, the couple wants a threesome because the male half is bisexual and thereby stating being bi-curious as a way to increase the chance for being selected. Reality is a two male threesome can be straight and most two male threesomes that occur do not involve male on male contact. Male bisexuality can be a turn-off for couples due to the risk of STI / STDs. The point here is if you are not bi-sexual / bi-curious then do not add it.  Another assumption that is wrongly made is there is an issue in the relationship and having a threesome is meant to address it. Reality here is most couples who have threesomes have stable relationships and are not looking for a way to fix a relationship issue.

Third, do not write the ad as though you are there for the woman. Reason being, they are a couple and approaching the ad from that perspective can create the impression you will cause problems for the couple. Instead, think about the type of couple you are trying to attract and how you will meet their needs.

Fourth, do not get ahead of yourself. Sometimes ads will contain personal contact information or get demanding about how a couple should reply. First do not include any personal contact information and if a couple wants contact information they will, at some point, ask for it. In addition being a single male in a situation where there is a surplus of single men and being in a situation that is predominately controlled by couples means, being demanding is not acceptable.

So what should you ad contain? It should show your personality and it should be well written.  Take the time to proof read it, correct spelling errors and correct grammatical errors. Make sure the ad remains on point and it does not ramble. Also include any boundaries that you have and your sexual interests. If you are looking for a couple that shares similar interests to you then include them; however if it is not necessary that they share your interests then avoid any person interests. Do not push for a reply and give them time to come back to you. If they say ‘no’ then accept it and reply to couples that respond to your ad. Essentially your ad should contain the information a couple would need to make the decision if they should speak with your further about having a threesome and should be written in a way that encourages it.

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FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

Question 2

Are threesomes similar to what is shown the movies, talk shows, and television?

Movies, talks show, and television are commercial enterprises that need to generate revenue for their company. This means they have to focus on aspects of having a threesome that brings in revenue for them thereby avoiding a balanced approach to the topic. Simply when a media enterprise (e.g. a talk show) focuses on threesomes they are focusing on the aspects they believe will bring in the most viewers for them thereby being able to charge more for advertising.  In this author’s opinion, anyone considering having a threesome should not base their decision on anything they see on television regarding the topic.

Will a threesome destroy our relationship?

This author believes a threesome will not destroy a relationship but the threesome process can bring to the surface, at a very fast pace, issues that can adversely impact a relationship. Also, this author believes if there are underlying issues in a relationship a threesome can amplify those issues whereby if a threesome did not occur then it might have been addressed. Finally this author believes a threesome cannot fix a troubled relationship but can help a good relationship.

For example a fictitious Couple, Fred & Ginger, discuss having a threesome. During the process Fred starts out like a child in a candy store, unable to wait for the threesome to happen. As the threesome grows closer, Fred becomes insecure but does not say anything to his wife, Ginger, because he does not want to deny her having a threesome. When they have the threesome Fred becomes more insecure leaving in the middle of the threesome in tears and accusing Ginger of cheating.

In the above example, it is arguable at least two issues in the couple’s relationship exist. The first is insecurity.  Granted, there is a level of insecurity in most relationships but in this situation being confronted with a threesome brought forward the issue of insecurity and the issue impacted the relationship. Second issue is communication and more precisely the fear of discussing an uncomfortable subject. Had the couple talked about what a threesome might be like for them, the issues around them, and discussed the feelings of insecurity then Fred may not have become upset.

Final example, another fictitious couple Barney and Betty have a threesome. Throughout the process they talk about their feelings, about issues that come up, and plan a threesome that is agreeable to the both of them. After the threesome they talk about how the threesome left them and discuss their next steps. They find the process of communication and providing for each other’s pleasure has brought them together.

We have planned our threesome does it means it will go as planned?

By planning a threesome it helps those involved identify risk, determine their impact on the relationship, and determine what needs to be done. Unfortunately, the best of planning still leaves the chance something was missed or something unexpected may happen.

How would you describe having a threesome?

If you ask 100 people who had a threesome they will give you 100 different answers. The best way, this author believes, is describing it as a roller-coaster rid. This means it can be scary at time but if enjoyed, this author feels, it can be exciting.  Also, the roller-coaster analogy is used to describe the feelings an individual may go through from feeling insecure to total arousal in a matter of minutes.

My partner has stated during foreplay they would love to have a threesome but after sex says they do not want a threesome, what am I to do?

This is typically referred to as “mixed signals.” There are many explanations as to why this occurs but it is a sign that your partner is not ready for a threesome. They may mentally like the idea; however at an emotional or social level they may not be ready for it. In this author’s opinion, the best thing that can be time is to give your partner time and not push the idea. When the opportunity arises openly and honestly talks to them about the idea.

I have tried to bring up the idea of having a threesome with my partner but they refuse, how can I convince them?

There is no way to convince your partner to have a threesome and probably the worst thing you can do is to pressure them. Instead, this author believes, you need to first become comfortable with the idea and be comfortable discussing it. This may mean you take time researching the idea, understanding what is involved, and try to find ways to introduce the idea in non-threatening ways to your partner. If you can do it and your partner is receptive then it may mean you have a chance that a threesome will occur in the future. However, not everyone is suitable for a threesome and not everyone wants a threesome. Therefore, be ready to love your partner for who they are and not what they can give you.

My partner / spouse is cheating. If I agree to have a threesome  with my partner / spouse will it stop them from cheating?

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome to prevent or stop someone from cheating does not work. This is because, this author believes, cheating is a sign of a deeper relationship issues that needs addressing and having a threesome will not fix it.

FAQs about boundaries

Posted in FAQ, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Core/Periphery Network

What is the purpose of having boundaries for a threesome?

Boundaries serve at least two purposes for having a threesome. The first purpose it defines the limit of the threesome. It provides assurances that the threesome will not go beyond the define limit thereby allowing trust to occur. Second purpose, by having boundaries it defines cheating. Second purpose it defines how the relationship will handle the threesome. An example is agreeing the decision to have a threesome is mutual and it will not be used against the other in any conflict that may develop.

What is cheating?

Cheating is when a boundary is intentionally or recklessly violated.

What boundaries should we have for our threesome?

Defining a set of universal boundaries for a threesome is nearly impossible since they are specific to the couple and the situation.

Is it better to approach a threesome with no boundaries?

In this author’s opinion, no it is not. Reason being, couples are not be able to expect every possible situation that may arise and by not setting boundaries, it is possible that the unexpected may happen leading to hurt feelings.  If a couple sets some general boundaries it will offer a “safety-net” that the threesome will not go beyond the agreed boundaries.

What makes a good boundary?

  • Boundary must be clear
  • Everyone must have the same understanding of the boundary
  • Everyone should agree to it
  • It should be specific
  • It should be realistic
  • Boundary should not contradict or compete with other boundaries
  • There should not be too many boundaries

Do we need to communicate our boundaries to the invited third person?

The invited person must be made aware of your boundaries and should agree to follow them. This may mean some negotiation on boundaries occurs but for the most part they should stay intact.

If the third person does not agree to some boundaries should we disregard them?

As a couple you should decide which boundaries are essential to allow you to have a threesome and decide which boundaries are not essential. Boundaries that are essential should not be negotiated but those boundaries that are classed as non-essential can be negotiated.

Once we have our boundaries, are they permanent?

As you gain threesome experience it is prudent to periodically check boundaries to decide which ones need to be kept, which boundaries can be discarded, and which ones can be modified.

If we during a threesome we decide a boundary is not right should we discard it?

In this author’s opinion the boundary should stay and then review it after the threesome. It could be the “heat of the moment” is influencing your perception and if you impulsively change a boundary it may cause issues later.

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Frequently Asked Questions choosing a third person for a threesome

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

Risk

Is choosing a co-worker, a friend, or an ex a good choice for inviting as the third to a threesome?

Generally speaking they are convenient since you know them and you have some type of a relationship with them. However, each poses a risk and the risk normally outweighs any advantage. Therefore, the general rule is co-workers, friends, and exes tend not to make a good choice for a threesome.

Where can we find a third for our threesome?

The locations you can search are unlimited. Probably the most common ones are on-line dating web sites, swinger / lifestyle websites, swingers clubs, munches, dogging sites, and lifestyle parties. Sometimes bars / pubs are a possibility. However most bars / pubs do not cater to this type of activity and your advances may be un-welcomed. Therefore if you do look in a bar / pub be cautious and be ready if your threesome idea is ill-received. Finally some may consider using a “professional” for this type of activity. In most locations, including Vegas, prostitution is illegal and many “professionals” carry STDs / STIs. Plus some may be under-age, they are expensive, and many hotels will not tolerate them. Best advice is forgetting about using a professional due to the risk and cost.

How do we select the third person?  

There is no magical formula for choosing the third person and the choice comes down to your preferences. However the person selected, this author feels, should be someone that is compatible with the two of you and the both of you can agree on them.

I want my partner to select the third person and not interfere?

The decision on how to select the third person is ultimately up to each couple. However, this author feels there is less chance of issues arising and less risk to the relationship if both are active in the choice process. One possible solution might be your partner chooses but you have the last say over the selection.

How much detail should we go into about our boundaries?

You do not need to give an hour lecture on your boundaries and you do not need to go into great depth about them. Nonetheless the information you give should be enough for them to understand your boundaries and respect them.

Once we meet the third person, should we have the threesome the same day?

This is a personal decision that needs to be made by all involved. However some couples, particularly those just starting out, may want to consider a meet & greet. A meet & greet allows all three to meet in public and each to decide on their own before the threesome occurs. Such a situation reduces the chance the wrong decision is made and reduces the chance that there will be regrets later.

Anal Sex FAQs

Posted in FAQ, Techniques / Positions, Threesomes by

detail of a Shunga(erotic woodblock print)

Anal Sex Basics in FAQ format

How important is foreplay to anal sex?

This author believes it is quite important since it helps to ease any discomfort or pain. It also helps to make the anus pliable for penetration.

How can I get over the discomfort and pain anal sex causes?

The anus and rectum are not designed for sex. This means care needs to be taken not to injure the person. Preventing injury requires care is taken with insertion, the individual is properly relaxed, and the anus is properly stretched. As a result, anal sex is something that requires time, patience, and cannot be done as a ‘quickie.’

How do I relax / How do I get my partner to relax for anal sex?

Provided there is no medical reason try taking a deep breath followed by slowly exhaling. Doing this a few times might help. Another possible technique to try is liberally and often lubricating the anus along with liberal lubrication of anything being inserted. Also, take time with foreplay to get become aroused and try to include some finger play to get the anus to relax. With that said, based on this author’s experience using enema or anal douche are not typically needed to manage discomfort.

Should anal sex toys be used?

From this author’s experience they can enhance the enjoyment. However for those who are just starting out, using toys should only be used once you learn how to manage the discomfort.

What toys would you recommend trying?

For those starting out I would recommend trying a butt plug designed for beginners. Typically they are smaller with a narrower circumference. This type of toy minimizes discomfort and is easily interted. Also I would recommend trying an anal dildo.

Why water based lubricant instead of the other forms of lubrication?

Water based lubricants will not breakdown a condom where others might.

How does anal sex fit into a threesome scenario

Using anal sex in a threesome can occur as a part of double penetration or between two people as the other watches.

What type of communication needs to occur for anal sex?

The couple / threesome needs the ability to discuss what works, what is comfortable, and being able to communicate comfort levels. Without being able to discuss what is working and comfort, enjoyable anal sex will be difficult.

If my husband / boyfriend want to try anal sex does it mean they are gay?

No it does not.

What are some of the risks of anal sex?

There is a small risk of pregnancy from anal sex, especially if vaginal penetration occurs or no condom is used.  Also there is a risk of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs and UTIs (urinary tract infections). Finally there is a risk of injury to the rectum and the surrounding structures (e.g. prostrate – men, bladder, urethra, colon, and vagina – women).

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