New relationships, long-term relationships, and the threesome fantasy


IMG_8531 updatedIs it better keeping a fantasy as a wish or is better transforming a fantasy into reality?

Imagine you are a couple that is dating for a few months and things start moving from casual dating to a serious relationship. Now imagine you desire to show your ‘better half’ that you are ‘open-minded’ and not jealous. Likewise consider you are a couple that has been together for more than 10 years and you want to show your partner that you can be open to a new experience. In each situation let us assume one way of showing a willingness to try something new or not being jealous is by having a threesome.  Also let us assume in each situation the fantasy of having a threesome is being discussed. This raises the question is better keeping the fantasy as a wish or is better bringing the fantasy into reality?

From my experience, having a threesome is sometimes seen as challenge. The challenge is not going through with a threesome after losing a bet. Instead the challenge is twofold. At one-level the challenge is showing your partner / spouse that by having a threesome you have some how transformed yourself and a willingness of being open to new chapter in the relationship. Likewise the challenge becomes a gift that is given proving jealousy does not exist, even though jealousy may be an issue. Second challenge maintaining the openness that results from having a threesome and remaining true to the reason for having it.

This means the relationship will be transformed into something different. Since a threesome may happen and at least one person in the relationship is attempting changing the directional momentum relationship. Such a change, means either individual in the relationship may not be prepared for the change that may happen and even if each of them are ready for the change, will it be a change that is welcomed?

In my opinion, the answer lies in the power of the fantasy for the couple. Power of a fantasy lies in its ability to unite the couple by being able to share a fantasy that brings them pleasure and brings them close. It is something that binds a couple and brings them close.  Also, bringing a fantasy into reality means taking a risk and the result may not be the result either one was expecting. A result of bringing the fantasy to life may an erotic experience shared by each of them or it could be an experience that adversely impacts their relationship. Once a fantasy is made real it  can mean it will no longer be a shared fantasy for the couple, it will lose some of its mystique, or the fantasy will change to reflect the reality of the threesome that occurred. The question that the couple must ask themselves are they prepared to lose the fantasy in order to make it real?

Another aspect in deciding if it is a good idea in making a fantasy real is each individual skill at communicating. Communicating is key, I believe, in having a successful threesome. If either struggles with being clear and concise about their needs then it is likely a threesome may not work.

In answer to the question is it better to leave a threesome fantasy just a fantasy? I believe, a lot depends on the couple, the power of the fantasy for them, and how they are at communicating their needs. Both need to be ready for any change to the relationship and be prepared for any adverse influence from the threesome experience. If a couple is prepared and agreeing to try the idea then there should be no reason why it needs to remain a fantasy.

Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?


Interesting article that focuses on approaching a friend and stranger for a threesome. While I would not describe having a threesome as polyamory, as this author does, nonetheless I quite enjoyed this author’s writing style to discuss the subject. It is a great article well worth the time to read.

Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

via Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

Perception and cheating


updatedHow do we define cheating?

An interesting article in the April 2013 Journal of Evolutionary Psychology concerning perception of cheating. They found the more intimate a behavior the more likely it is to be perceived as cheating.

The application of this article to threesomes is twofold. First it addresses the underlying behavior that leads to defining an activity as cheating. This can be important for a couple who is exploring the idea and working to understand how they define cheating. Second, it helps with the understanding if a boundary is violated, the type of behavior that may lead to the other feeling as though cheating has occurred.

Finally this article is an academic paper that may not be for everyone. However if you enjoy reading research into sexual practices then this may be something worth reading. To access the article you will need to click on the link and scroll to the bottom of the page then click on the .pdf link for the article.

What does relationship mean in a threesome?


Relationship is a word that takes on multiple meanings and is difficult to define. In a threesome situation the word is used in two different contexts. The first context is in regards to developing enough of a relationship that sex can occur. This is quite similar to a working relationship where a relationship is needed so that the necessary work can occur, it needs to be maintained so that any future work will go smoothly, and finally it is a relationship that needs to be developed quickly. In this context relationship is formed regardless of feelings, regardless of friendship, and it is formed due to a common objective that is being sought.

In the more common usage of the word relationship it refers to a friendship or deeper relationship based on shared common feelings for one another. Typically friendships are formed for the long-term and are meant to be lasting. In this usage of the term the formation of feelings serves a common objective for the formation of a long-term relationship.

For a threesome to be successful the relationship needs to similar to the former definition in which the relationship is based on a common objective and only maintained to meet that objective. This means that taking time to develop a friendship, a deep understanding of each other, and going through the lengthy dating ritual is not necessary. Instead it means the time needed to get to know each other should be done during the initial stages and only to the depth necessary to make a decision regarding if the third person meets the couple’s requirements. Once the couple has made their decision the relationship only needs to be maintained long enough for threesome to occur.

If at some time the relationship moves from a working relationship into a relationship where feelings begin to develop then the threesome needs to end. Each person in a threesome situation is responsible for their feelings and responsible for what is communicated. Should feelings begin to develop this need to be discussed and ending the threesome needs to immediately happen. There are many reasons for ending it but in essence it is done to preserve the marital relationship. The maintaining the marital relationship takes precedence over any other reason. Plus the threesome has moved away from its primary objective and if left to continue will prove to be destructive for all involved.

Once the current threesome relationship has ended the couple needs to take a break and work through what happened. After understanding how feelings began to develop for the third person the couple needs to update their boundaries in an effort to guarantee that this does not happen again.

Below are a few additonal suggestions to minimize the chance a threesome relationship begins creating feelings for the third person:

  • Find more than one playmate
  • Avoid exclusive relationships
  • Limit the number of times you play with the same person to either one off situation or a few limited times
  • Keep the time between playing with the same person long (e.g. every three or six months)
  • Maintain only necessary communication with the  third person
  • Do not incorporate the third person into non-sexual activities (e.g. picnic, movies, etc)
  • Make sure both of you agree on the person and do not take one for the team
  • Make sure your relationship is stable, you are not going through a major life event, or just finished going through a major life event.
  • Take time to build up your relationship
  • Avoid using friends, co-workers, or anyone you have a high degree of familiarity.
  • Debrief afterwards
  • Talk about feelings and potential scenarios that might lead to this situation. Once you have talked about it find ways to minimize it.
  • Communicate to the third person your boundaries
  • Communicate to the third person their role and that at the end of the night the two of you will be leaving as a couple.
  • Address any misconceptions that the third person may have about the threesome before it happens

Single woman seeking a threesome: risks and benefits


IMG_8628 updatedIntroduction

Due to family, work, and other commitments, I have been slow in responding to a request. The reader’s inquiry is about a single woman who are interested in having a threesome. To begin with finding a single woman interested in a threesome is not easy due to, from my experience, a woman is interested in the idea after being in a stable, secure, and loving relationship. Even if you can find a woman interested in having a threesome, I believe, the ratio is about 100 men interested in a threesome for every one woman that is interested.

Selection

For some it may sound that a single bisexual woman might be ideal and in my opinion, this is probably rarely the case since  a bisexual woman having a threesome with a heterosexual couple is not interrelated. In my opinion, a woman interested in a threesome would probably be either a single professional woman who does not have the time for a relationship or a woman in some variation of an open relationship.

Where to look

I normally do not advocate asking friends, co-workers, business associates, or acquaintances due to the risk involved. There are some good free resources in the UK that provide limited access for those living in the UK and to a lesser extent Europe. The US has probably two good free sites for threesomes. This raises the question about searching online ad sites and newspapers. In my opinion, I would be cautious about using ad sites that charge. If you join a site that charges take advantage of any free trials that they offer before committing. Joining a site a financially possible but if you join several sites then the cost can become prohibitive very quickly. My advice is to read through the Terms of Service, understand how you will be charged, and ensure there is enough profiles for your area.

This raises the question of fake profiles and how to know if it is fake. The best approach is to be cavalier in your approach, which means do not pin your hopes to one profile waiting for a reply or not contact others because you feel a commitment to someone. Also it means keep your perspective and do not get sidetracked. Remember the site you are on is finding a woman for a threesome, which means you are not there to make friends or to support causes. Instead contact many, reply to all inquiries, and do not allow yourself to become attached.

A third place you can try is a swinger’s club but be forewarn at least half of the couples there are at the club for the same reason as you. If a single woman does show up then you will be competing with them for her. Finally a fourth place to try is some for of social. These tend to be off-premise, no sex occurring, events and tend to be an event where like minded people meet. This can get you some insight of who might be interested in a threesome and where are the best places to look in your area.

Meeting and Threesome

All of us unique and it is not possible to have a generic approach. Nonetheless it is important to remember, if you do have a meeting with a woman for a threesome there is probably a 1,000 couples she could have agreed to meet. In many ways it is different than having a threesome with a male and if not handled correctly it can lead to her becoming a third wheel in your relationship.  Also it means you will have to keep her interest and go at her pace.

At some point the topic of sex will come up. This means at least two separate conversations must occur. First conversation must occur between the couple discussing their boundaries including the limits of involvement with the other woman and how the attention is to be apportioned. Second conversation, that occurs after the first, regards how the threesome will operate and the requirements of the invited woman.

Up to this point all three have been interacting socially in a non-sexual way. As the threesome approaches it is likely feelings will be brought up and insecurities. There is one school of thought on this that states the invited woman should be more submissive than the woman in the relationship. I do not believe this is always necessary but I do believe communication along with trust must exist for the threesome to work.

Conclusion

Web sites, swingers clubs, and socials all offer opportunities to meet potential partners. However, it is important to think about safety and not get too attached since the search is about finding a compatible partner. As you search the reality becomes searching for a woman that is interested in a threesome is not easy and it can take a long time of searching and during this time it is important to have a clear understanding with your partner about the limits of the encounter. Once you find a potential partner  approaching the threesome is not like having a threesome with two males. Instead it is a more egalitarian situation with her having power due to the limited supply of single women interested in having a threesome and the potential risk of her become attached, if it is not handled correctly. With patience, communication, and a clear expectation of boundaries having a two woman threesome can be quite enjoyable.

The Dilemmas of Extramarital Sex


A good and thought provoking blog. Hopefully some of my readers will reply to the questions.

Planning a threesome on your own


Thank you to darkelaina who wanted information regarding planning a threesome on their own, the risks, using an online web site, and other information. This post is based on their questions.

Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

Introduction

Planning a threesome on your own for your partner and yourself is never easy. In some ways it is like planning a surprise threesome but in other ways it is different since you have your partner’s support. The purpose of this article is to address some of the issues, risks, and strategies involved in planning a threesome on your own. It is not meant to be a comprehensive discussion and it is not meant to be a formula to approach it. Instead it is meant to provide an opinion and highlight some issues.

Online Site Navigation:

I do not recommend sites because I feel each individual / couple needs to make the determination based on their needs, rather than relying on recommendations. Also a lot comes down to price, needs, interest, and the interest in your area for threesomes. This makes recommendations difficult since there is so much variability that a recommendation is difficult to make. Nonetheless I will give some general advice to help in the determination.

  • Free is not always better: I do not believe a free site is better and I sometimes feel using a free site may open you up to exploitation, especially if it is a general site rather than a specific site targeting this type of activity.
  • Does the site allow you to try the site before subscribing or does it offer a limited version as free? My own feeling, would encourage a potential customer to try the site before charging them or at least offer a limited version for free.
  • How is the pricing structured? Are you being “nickeled and dime to death?” Meaning are you being charged for every service you use every time you use it? Alternatively is pricing tiered to allow you to select the plan that best fits your needs?
  • How many people are in your area? There some very good free sites in the UK but if you are in the US then they are no use to you since they cater to people in the UK and the wider EU area. Likewise if you are in Mississippi but the site caters to people in the West then it may not be value for money.
  • Are they targeting a niche (e.g. polyamaory, cuckolding, wife-swapping) or is it a general site? If it is a general site and you have specific interest then you may find you will have to either compromise on your interest or spend a lot of time reading through replies to find someone that shares a similar interest. Likewise if you do not have a specific interest and you are using a site that caters to a niche interest then you may find that you are not successful a lot of the time.
  • How easy is the site to navigate? Can you easily move around the site, read profiles, and communicate with other members? If not, then it may not be worth your time?
  • What is the site’s reputation? I do not always put a lot of weight on reviews. From reviews I have written some appear to be written either by the site or someone that is closely connected to it in order to inflate the site’s reputation. Likewise there is always someone out there with “an axe to grind” and will speak negatively about a site regardless of how good it is. Sometimes friends might be a good source about sites if they are into threesomes. Otherwise try to average out the comments to get an idea of what the site is like.
  • What are the terms of service? This will define your agreement with the site, how regularly you will be billed and how for how much. If you are uncertain about any term then contact the site before agreeing to something that may be useless to you.
  • Have you seen that profile before? Sometimes the same people will create multiple accounts in order to get replies from people with various interests. Also, I believe, sometimes sites will create fake accounts in order to drive people to their site and make them look bigger than what they are. If the name is different but the information in the profile is similar to other profiles then most likely it is the same person.
  • What does the profile say? Read the profile closely. It will tell you the type of person they are seeking and something about themselves. If they cannot make time to put in a few sentences about themselves then the question has to be asked how serious are they?
  • Have you created an alias and kept your personal information offline? You do not know who you communicating with and it is important not to put any information online that can identify you or put your / your family at risk.
  • Have you considered your safety and the safety of your family? What plans have you made to keep them safe and you safe?
  • Regarding your profile have you specified the type of person(s) you are searching for, your boundaries, and the extent to which your partner will be participating?

Having sex with one or more people that are unfamiliar

One unfamiliar person

There is no magical formula for this situation and the best I can give is an opinion.

If the threesome involves your partner, yourself and an invited third person then this can be fairly straightforward. Assuming you meet the third person online a little bit of time should be taken to get to know each other. The level of knowledge about each, I believe, depends on the type of threesome being planned. Should this be either a soft-swap or full-swap threesome then very little needs to be known other than having enough information to make a decision if the person is a suitable candidate for a threesome.

After the decision is made to invite them for a threesome, one of two options exist. First option is having a meet and greet, whereby all three meet each but no sex occurs the first time. The time is used to get to know each other more and then make the decision if it is going to progress further.

Second option is allowing sex to occur during the first meeting. This is preferable for couples who have some experience or feel comfortable with the third person

Before the threesome occurs and if it has not already, the couple should discuss issues such as ensuring both of them have the same understanding of their boundaries, how will the time be divided, how attention should be given to the third person and any feelings / issues that have come up. Taking time to do this will help mitigate any potential misunderstanding that may occur.

Once the three come together for the threesome then things should proceed as fast as the person least comfortable. Drugs should not be used, alcohol kept to a minimum, and no one should be pressured into doing anything they do not want to do. Sometimes a slow transition such as playing a game like Twister, strip-poker, or giving a massage might help to transition to the threesome.

As the threesome begins foreplay should not be rushed but enjoyed. In a MFM the female should be in control and should direct the males how she wants to be pleased. The couple should adhere to their boundaries and should not deviate from them. The first time should not try to push limits but instead keep it simple. However, the situation is causing an issue then the threesome should be stopped, with no one becoming upset, and then at a later date decide if it should be retried.

Two unfamiliar males for MFM

Open Relationship

At the surface this would imply if the female was in a relationship and the relationship is an open relationship. In such a situation this would imply either dogging or another group sex activity such as greedy-girl. The risk here is for her safety and it is ideal that her partner is there to watch in order to protect her. This could raise some issues regarding comfort and performance anxiety. However her safety is paramount to any uneasiness or anxiety that may occur.

Ideally some screen should occur either before meeting or before any sexual activity happens. Along with screening some time should be taken to speak with each male before having sex in order to relax and make them more familiar. If at any point anyone becomes uncomfortable then the activity should stop.

Non-open relationship

This can be a very dangerous situation and should be cautiously approached. Ideally the female should let someone know about her whereabouts and plan for her safety. She should avoid using any drugs and avoid any alcohol as it could put her at further risk. Also she should not do this impulsively, such as meeting two men at bar, but should do it in a controlled situation such as a swingers club that does not serve alcohol. Again, take the time to speak with both of them and only do what you are comfortable with.

Issues / Risks / Concerns

In the above section I have talked about using an online site and some of the issues that go along with using them. In this section I am not going to repeat the information above and focus on other aspects.

General

  1. In this author’s opinion this type of planning poses a bigger risk since there is limited input from your partner and much of the planning is based on your preferences. This can lead to the wrong decisions being made, the wrong person being selected, and it can open up a myriad of other issues.

    Mitigation: Keep your partner updated about your progress and ask any questions that you feel is necessary. If you feel your partner my oppose something, is uncomfortable, or might agree to something then do not assume. As an alternative, take the time to update them and ask them about their level of comfort.

  2. Expectations are not clear: Expectations define boundaries and dictate acceptable behavior. Without clear and understandable expectations it is possible misunderstandings occur. In this type of situation misunderstandings happening increase due to the lack of involvement by your significant other.

    Mitigation: Talk about expectations with your partner that covers the whole spectrum from the type of person you will search for to acceptable behavior during the threesome.

  3. Threesome does not go as planned: This may be the result of not discussing the idea to the extent that was needed or unachievable expectations were set. Also feeling such as jealousy

    Mitigation: The more discussions that occur along with some research the more likely realistic expectations can be set. If there are issues regarding insecurity or jealousy then it is important to consider if having a threesome is the right decision

  4. Task seems overwhelming and it is not progressing as expected.

    Mitigation: Talk to your partner about helping out. Try to clarify needs and expectations.

  5. If one person did all of the work then it will go smoother, quicker, and with less issues:

    Mitigation: This author believes the more the work is shared then the greater the chance the planned threesome will be successful

  6. If you are planning to have a threesome without your partner, have you discussed boundaries for the threesome, boundaries about what you will share with them, and safe-sex practices that will be followed?

    Mitigation: Without having discussions about what is being planned along with the limits to discussions and activities for the threesome then it may create a lot of problems later.

  7. I cannot stress this enough, especially if this is going to done alone, safety is the utmost consideration.

    Mitigation: Examine the situation, identify potential risks, and find ways to mitigate those risks. Also, let someone know about your whereabouts if you are going to be participating in a threesome a lone.

Fantasy versus Reality

In my opinion this type of threesome planning can lead some to believe in an erotic story threesome. Whereby a threesome is planned by one person and the two invited males ravish the female in utter delight. Also for the woman it can create the belief that she will be sexually satisfied because there will be two males there to please her, competing against each other for her attention, and she will be at the center of attention. Unfortunately reality is not always like the movies or books. Having a threesome can be quite anxiety provoking for both a man and a woman. However a male publicly shows his anxiety through his inability to maintain an erection and cumming very quickly. Plus having a threesome is fought with emotions and it can make even the most emotionally strongest become emotionally upset.

Another issue becomes planning. For some they may believe allowing one person to plan a threesome is better since it streamlines it. However a lot of input and discussion is lost thereby allowing a threesome to be planned with limited input. This can work in some situations but a lot of the time it lead to something being missed thereby creating issues.

Finally, a threesome regardless of the type, should not be seen as a panacea for problems in the relationship. I do not believe it will fix a relationship and it could make a relationship worse. However if it is a loving and stable relationship then most likely it will not damage it. It might help it by help each the couple appreciate each other and communicate better.