Part 7: Coping with having a threesome a.k.a facing the realities of having a threesome


IMG_8702How do I handle having a threesome?

Porn movies leave us believing beautiful people just rip-off their clothes and a threesome just happens without impunity. Whereas talks shows and news programs during sweep week wants us believing having a threesome will lead to some cataclysmic catastrophe. Since the topic of having a threesome is not openly discussed and not much honest information is available, what we believe about having a threesome is not always true. Somewhere between the two extremes is where 99.9999% of all threesomes occur. This article will explore the remaining 99.9999% by talking about the issues and what you can do in order to get through it.

Being a part of a threesome

Up to that point a threesome remains somewhat abstract and it can be difficult to understand what it means to have a threesome. Having a threesome means having sex with someone else whereby you watch, you have sex with the third person or a combination of the two. This means at some point, as a couple, one of you will be having sex with someone other than significant other while the other watches. If it is your first time it can be quite erotic or it can be very brutal. Also, it means what you are feeling versus what you are witnessing can be quite different.

In my honest opinion there is no way to completely prepare for it beyond discussing it along with discussing your feelings. Then after the threesome talk about the experience and anything it made you feel. In addition, I believe that if you get jealous, angry, or easily upset then having a threesome may not be the best choice for you.

A threesome cannot be undone

As a threesome approaches it is possible that you may look towards it with a child-like glee and there is nothing wrong with that. It protects from over analyzing it and keeps us from worrying too much about small details. The problem is up to the the point of undressing and penetration a threesome can be stopped. However once intercourse starts there is no way to stop it and the only thing that can be done is viewing the experience differently. It is therefore better to make the decision slowly with much thought then rush into whereby you regret it later.

Feelings for the invited third person can develop

It is easy to say it is important to keep feelings separate from having sex. No matter how much we try to rationalize sex, the reality remains sex is a very intimate act and when intimacy is involved it is likely there will be some emotional attachment.

How do you minimize or prevent feelings from developing is not easy but there are few suggestions worth considering. The below are suggestions and each couple will need to consider them in light of their situation:

  1. Avoid choosing friends: A relationship and feelings already exist. Having a threesome can bring these feelings to light and make a threesome very complicated.
  2. Do not make getting to know the third person a very drawn out situation: If your goal is not a ‘poly’ / open relationship threesome then taking a lot of time in getting to know the third person is not needed. Instead when contacting the third person the contact should be limited in collecting enough information to make an informed decision about having a threesome with them. This means once the question, “Am I comfortable enough with them to have sex with them?,” can be answered then proceeding with the decision should occur. Simply put having a threesome is about sex over a short-period of time and not developing a long-lasting emotional relationship with the third person.
  3. Limit involving the third person: Because the act is intimate there maybe a desire to invite the third person to social events and / or treat them like a friend. The more they are involved the greater the chance feelings might develop.
  4. Keep an emotional distance from them: This restates number 2 and 3. Also it means avoiding questions or behaviors that will elicit feelings developing for them. The best thing the contact with the potential third person should be kept to an absolute minimum.
  5. Limit the number of times with the same person: The more you have a threesome with them the more likely feelings will develop.
  6. Develop a network of threesome friends: Having a network of friends that you have threesomes with and share an interest in threesomes with will help to reduce the chance that feelings for an individual will develop.
  7. Look at putting boundaries in place to protect the relationship and limit feelings from developing. You know yourself the best and if there are certain actions / behaviors that might lead to develop feelings then putting in place boundaries to prevent it will help.

As a couple the two of you will have different experiences

Even though the two of you are in the same room and experiencing it together your reactions may be remarkably different. It is possible one of you may enjoy it while the other may be indifferent. Likewise one may enjoy it while the other absolutely hates it. It is important that your threesome planning take this possibility into account.

In my opinion, we are all different and experience things differently. I believe threesomes are about enjoyment and pleasure instead of trying to have the same viewpoint about a threesome. The best way, I believe, to prepare for this is being ready to accept each of us are different and react differently. Also I believe, trust and knowledge about your spouse / partner factors into this. If you can trust your partner and you know your partner then it will go a long way in making a threesome a positive experience.

You are in this together

As adults we make adult decisions that requires us to make a decision where the outcome is not known. This means the decision to have a threesome is a decision that is made together and made with the understanding that each individual participating share the responsibility for its success / failure. Also it means, throughout the threesome process taking a ‘team approach,’ I believe is much better than approaching it as, ‘how can I get my needs met?’ Moreover during the threesome, applying the ‘team approach,’ means focusing on your partner and their needs to ensure they are being met instead of the third person’s needs.  At first the idea of focusing on your partner may sound counter-intuitive but if you apply the ‘team approach’ idea, it means working together ensuring each of you are happy in the threesome. Then, if you continue with having a threesome, focusing more on the third possible becomes more of a possibility.

So, how do you approach a threesome as a team and then transition focusing on the third person? The best way is communicating about your needs and expectations. Then discussing them with the third person and set their expectations. By continuously communicating about having the threesome, your needs, and its impact on you then as a team the two of you can work together in ensuring each individual need is met.

Is having a threesome necessary for cuckolding?


Peter Fendi, 1835

 

Is threesome experience necessary for cuckolding?

 

What is about cuckolding that draws us towards it? Is it giving control to someone else? Could it be incorporating a third person? It could having your partner coming home after being ‘filled’ by another guy and the relationship dynamics around it?  Maybe it is an activity that is not well known and it has an air of mystery around it? Whatever the reason it is something that attracts some couples and it raises the question, what is the best way to have your first cuckold experience?

 

As I prepared myself to write this, I thought to myself, is there a difference between having your first couple cuckolding or cuckolding experience? At first I thought, yes and I prepared to write why I believed this was the situation. Then I realized regardless of the path the result is the same, one partner having sex with someone else. This brought me back to an underlying theme in my writing, advocating any couple considering cuckolding should have a threesome experience together.

 

For a couple that is just starting their journey into the world of group sex, it is difficult to anticipate the feelings involved, communication required and every potential outcome. There is a lot of effort that goes into having a threesome and much more work is required for a cuckold. Understanding what is required for a cuckold, I believe, means having some group sex experience (e.g. soft-swinging, threesome, foursome, etc)

 

Most of us would not buy a home without doing some research, viewing other homes, and then making a decision of buying the home that best suits our needs. Likewise the same principle applies to cuckolding. Blindly entering cuckolding without understanding what is involved, at a minimum is risky and at its worse it can lead to a negative life altering change.

 

The is an argument even if the couple experiences a threesome together, it will not fully prepare them for a cuckold. Cuckolding involves more than having a threesome. It involves a deeper level of trust, a commitment to the relationship, and requires the couple having a more evolved form of communication. This means there is an experience gap between having a threesome and a cuckold; however the gap is much greater for someone who has never had a group sex experience and is trying a cuckold for their first time.

 

Does this mean if a couple never has a group sex experience their cuckold experience is doomed to fail? No, since there is no way to predict if a threesome, group sex experience, or a cuckold will fail. Nonetheless this author is advocating by having a group sex experience together, they are better able to gauge if a cuckold will work for them and better understand the potential issues they may face. By understanding the challenges a couple can make a more informed decision and make better plans in order to minimize any potential damage a cuckold may cause. Finally to answer the question, is having a threesome necessary for cuckolding? The answer is no but this author believes, it better prepares the couple for their cuckolding experience.

 

 

 

Threesomes, privacy, and the law


The BDSM Rights Flag, partially loosely based ...

“Throw moderation to the winds, and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains” –  Democritus

One of my favourite online newspapers is the Telegraph in the UK. It tends to be a paper whose viewpoint is moderate. Typically British papers will carry affairs or the occasional well known person going to a swingers club; however, I do not see many articles about BDSM in the British media and when I read this one, it made me think. It made me think about using the internet to share our sexual interest, how alternative sexual practices are misunderstood, and the law.

In this article a man is being prosecuted for engaging in sexual activity in front of a child and possession of extreme pornographic material. The prosecution is the result of a social worker seeing online images of a child with him and a naked woman.

In my opinion, this article serves as a reminder when posting photographs no everyone will view them the same way as you and the need to be vigilant that any threesome photograph shows consenting adults in a legal consenting act. Otherwise, it may lead to criminal prosecution. Likewise, this author believes, this article demonstrates the need to keep a perspective and not become too enmeshed in the lifestyle where that it adversely impacts others.

At least from my perspective, I have to question if this individual did not post pictures on the internet, would he be prosecuted? My belief, he probably would not have and I feel, had he kept a balance in his life then he may not have taken his participation in the BDSM lifestyle too far. Finally I believe this article demonstrates the need to take any sexual practice, like threesome, in moderation without it becoming an obsession and the need to share everything online. If that perspective is lost and having a threesome becomes an obsession then more than likely, negatively consequences will follow.

Watching my wife having sex with another man


sexy wifeThreesome First-Hand Experience

Introduction

Probably one of the more difficult parts of planning a threesome is preparing yourself for watching your wife / girlfriend having sex with someone else. At first, the idea maybe arousing. Thinking about someone else having sex with her, watching her being pleasured, and knowing you were a part of helping her please her. The imagery and arousal can make thinking about even the most mundane things very difficult.

Then as time passes, the idea of someone else having sex with her may seem scary. In your mind you ask, how can extramarital sex be acceptable? At the time, contemplating the question quickly ends as arousal once again happens. The cornucopia of emotions continues until the threesome approaches and at this point, the thought of going slower becomes a thought since she was hesitant about the idea. That idea is quickly extinguished since she is openly expressing her interest in the idea and how she is wanting the threesome. By now the threesome is near, stopping it now will let down everyone, and after a bit of contemplation stopping it is not what is needed. After more thought accepting threesome and accepting that their relationship will forever change regardless of the outcome.

The above is a generalization of the feelings I went through as my first threesome with my wife approached. In this article I will cover two separate threesome experiences and if anyone would like to share their experience, please feel free to add a comment at the bottom of this article.

Couple’s Cuckolding

This experience actually happened first and it was our first threesome experience together. It did not instantly happen and it took months of nurturing before it came to fruition. It occurred while we were living in an apartment complex near downtown, in a rural urban mid-west town. In a state where farm animals out number humans by about 100:1. The apartment complex consisted of three two-story buildings standing side-by-side, with a small courtyard, that were primarily studio and 1 bedroom apartments. Most of the people who lived there worked at nearby by businesses and due to the apartments being small, many of the tenants were single males.

Since there was a small courtyard, during summer my wife, Samantha (not her real name), would lay outside in her bikini and men naturally flirted with her. Afterwards she would come inside, she would tell about her flirting. She would tell how she liked the attention and how it made her horny. Her flirting provided some substance for us and it opened up the opportunity to discuss having some type of threesome. Because the complex was primarily single male there was a high-turnover of tenants and many did not stay long. This made planning some for some form of threesome difficult but it did offer the opportunity where we knew they would not be there long. Thereby preventing things from becoming ‘messy’ and complicated.

As time went on, there was one guy who regularly flirted with her and she admitted it was arousing. The flirting became more suggestive and she began telling me that he wants to fuck her. At first she would not consider the idea but as it continued it left us with a decision, does it lead to something or does it stay innocent? We decided to allow the flirting to go further and to see where it goes. A few weeks later she mentions fucking him is something she wants to do and agree to let it happen. Over the next few days we plan it out and she makes the arrangements

When she leaves, she asks me to close the curtains in our apartment since our apartment faced his. During this time I felt quite aroused and very anxious while going through a roller-coaster of emotions. I worried if she was safe and if she was enjoying herself.

About two hours later she came back we talked a few minutes before she took me by the hand to our bedroom. The lights were off and she undressed. Laying next to her she began telling me about the experience. He was not large and uncut. According to her, he caressed her and ‘ate her out’ while fingering her. As she was telling me about her evening she slowly glided my hand between her legs. I could feel it was stretched and sticky then she told me  how he fucked her and how she enjoyed it. That night we had a great sex.

MFM (Straight 3 some)

We both entered our relationship with both of us having previous threesome experience and we understood what we were going to face. She was the one who initially brought up the idea by telling me that she wanted to invite a former boyfriend. Normally this is something that is a red flag for me. In this instance she stated they never had sex and always wondered what it would be like. Plus it had been a few years since they saw each other and from here body language it was obvious she was being sincere.

The time from us talking about it to it actually happening was very fast, at best a few days. It did not give me a lot of time to dwell on everything that could go wrong and it did not give us a lot of time to set up boundaries.

He came over a few nights later. We spent the time talking and having a good time. Then my wife started undressing in front of us and we all knew what was going to happen next. We all went to our bedroom and they interacted while I caressed her.

Thinking back to experience, I do tend to believe I felt a little fearful of what it meant for our relationship but I knew everything would be alright. Soon he slid he long hard cock into her and they went at it for a few minutes. It was an arousing sight for me. Right in front of me, my wife was having sex with another man and it was arousing. I did not get upset and I did not feel any jealousy. He then came and we stayed in the bedroom for a while after that. Then we all got dressed, had some coffee in the kitchen, and he left.

As I look back to this experience, it demonstrates given enough time we remember the good and it demonstrates that not every threesome experience leads to a relationship ending. In my opinion, this experience was about trust and about moving our relationship towards a more mature relationship.

Final Thoughts

Both of these experiences worked out well for us due to communication, trust and the ability to agree on boundaries that worked for us. I believe the couple’s cuckolding experience was a way for us to push our boundaries and to explore if this was an activity that we wanted to include. After that experience we had our next experience, the threesome. This time we knew what to expect and we were able to make this experience work for us.

Furthermore I believe we are the 95% + of couples who dive into the world of threesomes and do not make it a lifestyle. Instead I believe, these experiences happened at a time in our relationship that helped guide us about communication and understand how special we are to each other.

I am not, in any way, advocating that anyone who reads this will have the same success. Instead, I am trying to highlight the timing, the emotions, and the result from having this type of experience. It is important to understanding communication, trust, and level of comfort all play a role in having a threesome.

Does introducing a thrid person positively or negatively impact a relationship?


IMG_8702Threesome Impact on Relationships

Introduction

Imagine having a crystal ball with the ability to see into the future or having a software program that can accurately predict if a planned threesome will be successful. As humans wanting to know the outcome before it happens helps us make decisions and helps us decide if the risk is worth taking. However, having a threesome involves a lot of unknown factors and much depends on the choice of the third person. So how do you know if introducing a third person will positively or negatively impact a relationship? Until a crystal ball is developed or a software programs is written that can predict the impact of a third person on a relationship there is no way of knowing. Instead the best that can be done is understanding the dynamics involved.

The Couple – can they cope with change

The impact of introducing a third on a couple’s relationship depends a lot dynamics of the couple and how they react to change. Introducing a third person, even as a one-off situation, will forever change the couple and once a threesome occurs it cannot be undone. Therefore the question a couple must ask themselves, are they ready for the change?

What type of change will they face? It is not possible to know every permutation of a threesome situation and talk about every possible change. Instead the most likely changes will include how the relate to each other, how they react to the feelings they experience, and how they perceive the threesome experience. This means the impact of introducing a third person will depend on each of them as individuals, how they cope with having a threesome and collectively as a couple. It means the change to the relationship may not be good and the impact, short-term or long-term, maybe the relationship is adversely impacted. How the couple copes with adversity will determine if the relationship is able to make it through or not.

The Third Person – Is Compatibility is better than availability

If given a hypothetical choice between receiving $100 (£100) now or $1,000 (£1,000) six months from now, which would you choose? Would you go for the immediate reward or the delayed reward? The above question demonstrates how we, sometimes, make decisions. Sometimes we choose the immediate reward because of its availability instead of delaying of it for a bigger reward later. This type of decision making is readily seen when choosing a third person for a threesome. Sometimes the choice is made because of availability instead of compatibility.

So why is compatibility important? If the choice is made due to availability then it implies there was some form of compromise. There is nothing wrong with compromise provided the compromise does involve giving up core beliefs / boundaries about having a threesome. If core beliefs / boundaries are given up it can lead to feelings such as anger, resentment, and finding ways to sabotage the threesome. This can only lead to problems later in the relationship.

So, the solution is finding someone that is compatible. Compatibility in the context of a threesome does not necessarily mean someone that shares common interests and someone where a bond is shared. Instead it means someone where there is enough of an interest, commonality, and at least a physical attraction by each member of the threesome to allow the threesome to occur.

Does finding someone that is compatible means the threesome will be free from issues? Definitely no, but it does mean the chance an issue will arise is less since the selected person meets the needs of the couple.

The Unknown – Learning to anticipate possible outcomes

Planning a threesome means being able to understand the unknown, anything that is not expected that can have an impact, by planning for it. So how do you prepare for the unknown? There is no way to prepare for every eventuality but understanding some of the challenges that may be faced will help in the preparation. This could be issues like jealousy, anger, developing feelings, or safety. It could issues such as location, your partner’s weaknesses, or past issues. In essence, it is trying to visualize the threesome based on what is being planned along with understanding your history as a couple.

Conclusion

In answer to the question, will introducing a third person into the relationship have a positive or negative impact? The answer is simply it is not possible to know. The best that can be done is looking inside yourself, assessing the relationship, and assessing the third person selected, then asking do I believe a threesome will work? If you believe it will work then it is important to accept the decision, work towards making the threesome as enjoyable as possible and accept that the relationship will change. Should you, as a couple, be able to adapt to change and work through any adversity then it is reasonable in expecting that the threesome will have a positive impact on the relationship.

Jealousy and threesomes


English: The Jealousy of Darnley

Jealousy and Cheating: Monogamy versus Non-Monogamous Relationships

After the give and take involved in agreeing to explore the idea of having a threesome the real work begins. Discussing the idea in detail gives birth to the reality of having a threesome. At some during the discussion two issues are likely to comes up.

Jealousy

First is the issue is jealousy. This author believes jealousy, in the narrow context of a threesome, results from feeling the relationship is under threat and the need to protect it. Jealousy can be a warning mechanism alerting the individual that something needs to be done or it can be something that destroys a relationship if the treat is imaginary. Being able to differentiate between a real threat to the relationship, a perceived threat, or an imaginary threat is not always easy due to the emotions involved.

Fear of Cheating

Second issue involves the topic of cheating and how the couple defines the term in the context of considering a threesome. Being able to define cheating for a couple’s relationship is paramount to a workable threesome.

In answer to the above issue, there is a good general article on jealousy and cheating. This article presents research into the topic of swinging, jealousy, and cheating. However, it does not provide a model on how to address the issues and instead examines the issues from a topical perspective.

This is a great article for anyone who enjoys reading research into the topic and it is written at a very easy to read level. Therefore, I will encourage everyone to read this article and learn more about these topics.

Regarding cheating in open, non-monogamous, relationships. This is something that is defined by the boundaries the couple has established and for the most part the issue of cheating has been eliminated by opening up the relationship. However, the issue of jealousy still remains. Jealousy happens in many forms such as feeling as though not enough time is being spent together, not being special, or having to deal with someone else in the relationship. In this author’s opinion, jealousy in open relationships, not the type of relationship, is a major cause for open relationships not working.

How do you know if someone is interested?


Deveria16Introduction

How do you know if someone is interested in a threesome? Has there ever been a time you thought someone might be a good choice for a threesome but did not know if you were reading their cue correctly?

The easiest way is to ask them but if you feel there is too much to risk then looking for clues might indicate their receptiveness. Looking for clues about their receptiveness to a threesome is not science and at best it will give you some indication. This means looking for cues will help in determining the probability they are interested and there is room for error, which means you may be wrong. So before asking someone if they are interested in having a threesome, weigh the risks and determine how much of a risk you are willing to take by asking them.

For the rest of the blog this author will discuss some areas to examine. Please note this is done at a very high-level in order to provide a very basic guide. At this point going into a very detailed discussion would involve writing this in multiple parts and defeating the purpose of the very simple guide.

Possible signs of interest

1) Is there flirting occurring?  Some people are very social and quite flirtatious, which means this is not a good indicator. However, if flirting is something is new then it could indicate there is openness to the idea.

2) Also, what is their eye-contact and body language like? Are they being receptive and making eye contact? If they are then it could be a sign they are interested, especially if there are other signs too.

3) How do you feel when they are around you, as a couple?  Do both of you feel comfortable with them? Is there an attraction at some level? Do either of you perceive them as a threat to your relationship? Is there something inside that say, “they are not a good choice,” or makes you feel uncomfortable? If so then you should consider those feelings as they may be an indicator they are not a good choice.

4) How does the potential third person act around the two of you? Do they show a strong preference for one of you? If they do then it could be sign of a potential problem. Do they communicate with the both of you? Meaning, do they show resentment if one of you says something to them or is only one of you able to speak to them? Again, if they are resisting anything that is asked then it could be a sign they are not a good choice for a threesome due to the fact they may not follow requested boundaries.

5) Are they shy, “soft-spoken”, or introverted? Person who is not social and confident may not always state their needs. In a threesome situation discussing needs and feelings is important to avoid injury. Without being comfortable enough to discuss them then there is potential for issues later.

6) How well do you know them? Have you spoken about different sexual practices? Has a discussion about relationships, cheating, and sex occurred? In this author’s opinion you do not need to know everything about their life but knowing about their attitudes can help. In additional, if you know them well then your relationship with them may make being objective difficult.

7) If they have mentioned they have an interest in a threesome, what type of threesome situation do they want and how does it compare to what you want? The greater the difference the more likely it may be a situation that does not work.

8) What is their relationship status? A married individual or someone in a relationship carries a lot of risk. If you select someone who is either married or in a relationship be prepared for issues that come up with them and be prepared to assume the risk their partner may find out. Should you find yourself in a situation where they claim their partner knows then speak face-to-face with their partner before agreeing to anything.

9) What is their tone of voice? Is it warm and friendly? A warm friendly and relaxed tone could indicate they are relaxed with you thereby indicating a possible interest.

10) What is their occupation and education? This is at best a very broad indicator regarding their ability to be detached and their free time. Educated people, very generally speaking, tend to understand choices and can be better at communicating their needs. It can mean, an educated person, is easier to speak with thereby making the decision easier. It can also serve as a very broad indicator for their reason for wanting a threesome (e.g. a business person who travels a lot or senior manager may not have time for a relationship).

11) Have any of you been drinking or doing drugs? Drinking, drugs, and threesomes do not mix. Discussing a threesome when drinking or doing drugs, including cannabis, is a very good sign that the discussion should occur when all of you are sober.

12) Is there indication of issues? If there signs of issues such as:

  • Marital issues
  • Recent death of a close member of the family or friend
  • Major surgery
  • Recent move
  • Any other major life events

these could be signs the interest is more due to the stress of recent events then a true interest in have a threesome.

Finally

Knowing if someone is interested in having a threesome is more of an art than a science. It involves looking for cues and then using those cues to determine if the person might be receptive to the idea of having a threesome. Looking for cues is risky since overlooking cues that indicate that they are not interested is possible. Therefore before asking anyone about joining a threesome, ask yourself what is the risk of asking them and are you prepared to take the risk?