Tag Archives: homophobia

Planning a threesome: A communication and issues perspective

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages by

English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...What does planning a threesome entail?

Questions and Threesome Philosophy

Recently I started thinking about what is involved with planning a threesome, what is involved in having a threesome, and why it is sometimes better not to have a threesome.  I am not speaking about an aspect of having a threesome, such as trying to debunk some of the myths surrounding having a threesome which is common to my writing, but trying to articulate what a threesome can mean.

I am one who believes if an individual in one breath suggests a threesome then in the next breadth begins suggesting people to join them for a threesome deserves anything bad a threesome may bring them. Why? That individual is not thinking through what is involved in having a threesome and may be viewing having a threesome as quick way to get laid with ‘no strings attached.’ My own threesome philosophy is based on believing having a threesome challenges a couple by forcing them to speak about things that most couples do not speak about, having to accept a decision that will forever change their relationship, and deal with the outcome of having a threesome. This means having a threesome will change the relationship, for better or worse, and before undertaking a decision to change a relationship some consideration must be given. In order to arrive at making a decision a couple needs to take time in understanding what it will mean for them. It also means having to ask themselves some very tough questions such as:

  • Can I watch my partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Am I prepared to have sex with someone else while my partner / spouse watches
  • Can I have sex with someone for pleasure without developing feelings for them
  • How will I feel about myself afterwards
  • How will I feel about my spouse / partner afterwards
  • What are the risks
  • What boundaries will I need to feel secure in having a threesome
  • What activities should not happen because I am too uncomfortable either performing them or seeing my partner / spouse performing them on someone else
  • What do we / I need to do to help ensure this relationship will survive having a threesome
  • What do I need to do to support my partner after having a threesome
  • How do we reconnect physically and emotionally after having a threesome
  • What safe-sex practices do we need to follow
  • Where will the threesome occur
  • What type of person will we invite
  • Will there be an impact on my job or my partner’s / spouse’s job if we are discovered
  • How are we going to find the third person
  • How are we going to share the responsibility in finding the third person
  • What are we going to communicate to the third person about our boundaries and our relationship

The above list of questions is not an exhaustive list and the answers will change based on where the person is in the threesome process and their attitude towards having a threesome. This means there has to be some research, some introspection, and some discussions regarding issues surrounding having a threesome along with the issues surrounding the relationship in order to understand what having a threesome will mean. Without having some discussions it leaves a big risk that something has been missed and by missing it the relationship will be adversely impacted.

Communication: Initial Discussion

This brings up the question, how far should the conversations go and how long should they last? The answer is as long as necessary until there is a common understanding, there are no outstanding issues and a common agreement is reached. For some couples it could be a few short conversations due to previous experiences with threesomes and previous conversations. However for other couples it could means a long-time due to issues that arise that needs addressing before having a threesome. Also, this means these conversations continue from the time the suggestion of having a threesome is made until each individual feels they have no lingering issues from having a threesome. Finally for others it means having a threesome never materializes because a common framework could not be established.

At some point these conversations are going to raise the question, are we ready to have a threesome? There is no formula or magical answer to this question. Instead this is a judgement call for the couple. Ideally, this author feels, a couple is ready when they feel they are ready after talking through the issues and feel they have the same understanding, sometimes referred to as “being on the same page,” about the threesome. Once they begin their search they should continue discussing issues especially the type of person to be invited, their boundaries, and feelings that the search might elicit.

Meeting the Third Person & the Threesome: Issues and Communication

Once they have found a potential “playmate,” third person, it will most likely make what was, for the most part, an exercise in finding someone and it will make having a threesome real. Essentially this is the point where the idea of having a threesome is no longer an abstract and intangible idea; now it is quite tangible and real. At this point it is quite likely that they will face some anxiety and uncertainty. Also, at this point time is running out if they want to make any last minute changes to their boundaries or change their mind. As soon a threesome begins they cannot reverse what happens. Therefore, it is imperative if there are any lingering issues or uncertainty about having a threesome they are address, otherwise it will be too late.

Depending on how the couple has planned their threesome there might be some social conversation and social time together with the third person. This can give them a chance to learn about the third person and make their final decision about having a threesome. Furthermore they should expect, at some point, the conversation will change from socially acceptable conversation to sex. Such a change in conversation makes it likely that flirting will occur along with some displays of affection (e.g. kissing and intimate touching). Such a change in conversation and behavior indicates that any initial meeting place be tolerant of such behaviors. Also, it implies that the couple should expect such displays, encourage such behavior if they want the threesome to occur and be accepting of it.

Before the threesome occurs and after getting beyond the social conversation lays a difficult area for inexperienced couples to navigate, the transition. Transition, is the “point of no return,” it is the point where the threesome is about to happen and if it is to be stopped then it needs to occur before it goes any further. In getting past this point certain cues need to be given and accepted. For a couple they need to let the invited third person to know they want to proceed. There are several ways they can do this:

  • They can tell them it is alright
  • Suggest moving to the bedroom or a more appropriate room
  • Some form of sexual encouragement is given that is short of penetration (e.g. taking hand to feel breast).
  • Changing into something more revealing
  • Undressing
  • Playing games such as strip poker

After the couple successfully completes the transition the next phase is the threesome. At this point they are either undressed or in some form of semi-undressed. It is the point where the couple faces the power of their decision. They can be confronted with:

  • Seeing their partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Having sex with someone else while their partner / spouse watches
  • Seeing someone else sexually please their partner / having someone else sexually please them
  • Most likely having intense feelings ranging from fear and loss to a high state of arousal
  • Needing to manage feelings in order to keep feelings from overrunning
  • Seeing things that may not correspond to the reality of the situation (e.g. partner being sexually aroused by someone else and that arousal may be due to the threesome and not an attraction to the individual)
  • Possibly smell of sex in the room
  • Having an intense orgasm / watching their partner having an intense orgasm
  • Sexual performance issues
  • Comparing body and genitals with the third person
  • Knowing their partner / them can be sexually attracted to someone else
  • Fear of pregnancy, if mfm or fmf
  • Fear of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs
  • Issues of bisexuality

Then after the threesome other issues arise such has managing contact with the third person afterwards and reconnecting as a couple.

Conclusion

Having a threesome means being sociable, assertive, and being an extrovert. It also means knowing your limits, being able to communicate those limits, and being able to effectively communicate with others about their limits. For a couple who wants a threesome it will mean discussing topics that most couples will not discuss in their lifetime together, being faced with a situation that they choose to confront, and it means putting their relationship at risk in order to have a sexual experience. Many couples chose that risking their relationship for a threesome is not worth it but for those who do face uncertainty. The impact of the threesome may not be felt for days, weeks, months, or years. However with enough planning, investing enough in the relationship, and communicating then it is a realistic expectation that a threesome will provide an enjoyable experience. Finally this article shows there is more than enough reason not to have a threesome but for those who choose to take this journey hopefully this article helps to highlight a possible path for you.

Related articles

Why does my husband or boyfriend want a fmf but not mfm?

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions by

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Imagine for a moment where life ran by predictable logical rules and now imagine having a threesome was a way for three people to have sex without the complications. What would it be like? Would it be more enjoyable or less enjoyable? The reason for imaging such a world is thinking about a question that comes up, how come my boyfriend / husband alright with a two woman threesome but not a two male threesome?

A simple response to the question is human behavior is unpredictable and does not always follow rules regarding behavior. In reality, this author feels such an answer avoids the reasons for the behavior and this article will explore some possible reasons. By writing this, it is this author’s hope that it can help couples explore this topic.

Homophobic: It goes without saying for some guys being naked with another man creates some insecurities about their sexuality and in particular, some guys feel even though there is no contact with the other male it will mean they are bisexual. For some males this creates a lot of insecurity and challenges their belief about themselves. If they have a two female threesome then it will validate that they are heterosexual and confirm their desirability.

Insecurity: Even though times are changing and roles for males are being redefined, this feels there are still some males who feel they are to be providers. This goes as far as being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend. If another male another male is able to this then it means they are not needed. Facing the reality that another male being able to provide sexual pleasure for their wife / girlfriend means they are not able to do something unique for their partner and for some males it can create feelings of insecurity for some males.

Fantasy versus Reality: For some males the idea of having a threesome can be quite an intense fantasy and initially they may be quite eager to have the threesome. However, as they get further into the process and begin to face the reality of having a threesome they may pull back from wanting it. This author believes when some males are confronted with watching their wife / partner having sex with someone else and / or realizing the issues it can create for their relationship it begins challenging their fantasy of having a threesome, thereby making it less appealing.

Emotions/ Jealousy / Anger: For some males they have strong feelings and the feelings can be so strong that they adversely impact having a threesome thereby making a threesome not realistic.

Society’s Messaging / Sexual Roles:  This author feels this reason closely relates to issue of homophobia. This author feels, society still rewards males who are able to attract more than one female and values a male who is able to have a two female threesome. Essentially for some males pursuing a two female threesome becomes a trophy or a confirmation of their masculinity by being able to have an experience that many males cannot.

Threat / Loss of relationship: This author will not argue that there is something primal that forces some males to protect their relationship with their wife / partner at all costs. Instead this author feels the threat of losing the relationship or inviting another male might threaten the relationship. Whereas if another woman is invited it is their partner that has to deal with the threat.

Bad / Previous Experience: He may have had a previous threesome experience and decided that a threesome is not for him.

Not Interested: There are some males who may not be interested in having a two male threesome due to personal or religious reasons.

Adding ‘Spice’ or Variety: I do not necessarily believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a two woman threesome. However, it may sought after as a way of trying something different to add variety to a relationship. If the relationship has become ‘predictable’ or ‘stale’ then trying a threesome may make things worse.

Already Involved: This author does not believe this is a primary reason for suggesting a threesome if he already has someone in mind. By suggesting someone with whom he is involved with will mean he will be revealing a secret that he trying to hide and it the threesome will involve a lot of drama. Most likely if he has someone in mind that would like to invite, a fantasy person.

… And Finally: With that said, this author feels each one does not operate in isolation and there is potentially some overlap between the reasons. This means there can be multiple reasons or several reasons influencing the male’s reaction towards having a two male threesome versus having a two female threesome. If there is a solution my feeling it would reside in giving him time along with making him feel secure that the relationship could survive a two male threesome. This does not mean he will ultimately agree to have one. Nonetheless it does mean there are potential reasons for him not wanting it and provide some solace in understanding.

Related articles