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Threesome myths

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Fendi06

Introduction

During ratings sweep it is possible to see a tantalizing article about couples who take part in threesomes and it is fairly easy to find a talk show, covering the topic in some form.  From watching the news, news programs and talk shows it is easy to form an opinion of having a threesome. However do we ask, is this an accurate portrayal or is a perspective being given to get ratings? This author will take a look at some of the perceptions of threesomes and will try to expose some of the myths around them.

Since the couple does not have an open relationship there is no risk to the relationship

Porn movies are notorious for portraying a threesome as a way to have sex without the consequences and no opening up the relationship probably carries less risk. Nonetheless, the reality is any decision, including the decision to have a threesome, carries consequences and having a threesome can impact a couple’s relationship.  The fact that the relationship is no open does not mean residual feelings from having the threesome or by having a threesome it brings up underlying issues. Since there is no guarantee a threesome will work, the best advice is to talk through having a threesome and continue to talk about it to address any feelings that may linger afterwards.

Every man wants fmf threesome

Every man does not want a two woman threesome. A man is person who has feelings, beliefs and experiences. This means not every man wants a fmf threesome because it goes against their beliefs or from their experiences they feel a threesome is not in their best interest.  Those who do have a threesome, most, will have a two male threesome. This is not because they are bisexual or gay; instead it is because a single man is more likely to take part in a threesome than a single woman.

Best choice for a threesome is a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover

While a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover may work as a choice for a threesome in some limited circumstances. The reality is each one provides their own issues and risks that make choosing them a risky choice. It is this author’s feeling anyone considering a threesome, especially if discretion and privacy is a concern, to look for someone they do not know well.

Having a threesome will add ‘spice’ to the relationship and fix relationship problems such as, stopping my partner / spouse from cheating

Threesomes cannot fix relationship or add spice to a relationship that has become stagnant.  This author feels a threesome can bring issues forward issues that exist in the relationship and weaken a relationship that is struggling. Therefore, this author feels, the best approach is to solve the underling issues and work at developing the relationship before considering a threesome.  Essentially this means a threesome should not be considered as a solution to a relationship issue but as a way to potentially grow the relationship.

During foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ my partner / spouse express a wish to have a threesome

If you partner / spouse express an interest in having a threesome during foreplay or ‘pillow talk’ then it is a good idea to speak to them outside of the bedroom to clarify their feelings. Just because during arousal or in the afterglow they express these feelings, it does not mean the interest continues. Without talking about the idea during the day it is difficult to know their true feelings and acting on such a statement without understanding their feelings may result in problems for the relationship later.

I am not the jealous type and I do not see having a threesome as being a problem

Until a threesome occurs it is impossible to know your reaction. Having a threesome can elicit a roller-coaster of emotions and even though who do not believe they are jealous may feel jealous once they see their partner / spouse having sex with someone else.

I am the jealous type and should not have a threesome

In most cases being jealous will make having a threesome difficult but it does not mean it will be impossible. If it is possible to talk through the feelings before hand, set a signal to let your partner / spouse know you are becoming uncomfortable or if you can view having a threesome being about physical pleasure instead of emotional bonding then it is possible that having a threesome is not out of reach.  However, if jealousy leads to anger, violent reactions, or conflict then it is advisable to work on the issue of jealousy before having a threesome.

Boundaries are not needed since I want my partner / spouse to experience everything

A couple cannot expect every possible scenario for a threesome and their possible reaction. Having boundaries define the limits of a threesome and give a safety-net for the threesome. It allows each participant to understand what behavior is acceptable and the personal limits each person has.  Even though boundaries will not prevent every possible issue from surfacing; it helps the couple to mitigate any potential conflict, build trust, and be pro-active in preventing possible conflict.

Having a threesome is cheating

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome is not cheating provided the boundaries are not intentionally or recklessly violated. This means as long as the couple is agreement and they adhere to their boundaries, then this author feels no cheating has occurred.

I do not want to have a threesome but my partner / spouse does,  I should agree to have a threesome in order to make them happy.

Having a threesome can bring up powerful feelings and can involve a complex web of emotions. Deciding to have threesome to make someone happy may seem like a caring act in order to strengthen a relationship. However must be asked, what about your feelings? If you find you are opposed to a threesome then it is possible it may bring up other feelings (e.g. feeling of losing self in the relationship, your needs not getting met, etc.) these feelings may have an adverse impact on your perception of the threesome and adversely impact your relationship. Therefore it is important to balance your needs against the need to have a threesome for your partner.

If my partner is agreeable then a threesome should happen fairly quickly

Planning and finding someone that is compatible can take time, especially if it is a fmf. The first step in having a threesome is discussing the idea; however, it can take weeks, months, year, or it may never happen. A part of the length is based on the type of threesome being planned, the issues that need resolving, and finding someone who is compatible.

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MFM threesome FAQs

Posted in FAQ, Miscellaneous, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

English: Variable Damselfly threesome: mating ...

If we have a two male, mfm, threesome will there be male on male contact?

In most cases, no, since most mfm are straight (no male on male contact). However, if it something, as a couple, you are looking for then it is possible to find a bi male but be safe in regards to STDs / STIs.

Couples looking for a two male, mfm, threesomes are looking for another male to join them because the primary male cannot meet the female’s sexual needs?

Most couples that look for a second male have stable relationships and have a threesome because it is their choice. This means you are being invited to join them because they are looking to explore their sexuality and not because there is an underlying issue in their relationship.

What types of risk exist with having a mfm threesome?

The biggest risks includes, though not limited to:

  • pregnancy
  •  STDs / STIs
  • misunderstanding boundaries / miscommunication
  • conflict during or after the threesome
  • ending of the relationship

My husband / partner wants a mfm threesome, does it mean he is gay?

Most likely no, most threesomes are two male threesomes that are straight.  Very few two male threesomes involve male on male activity due to risk of STDs / STIs. Even if there is some male-on-male contact it does not mean he is gay. A threesome situation can be quite arousing and allowing opportunity for exploration whereby some same-sex contact does occur. Then after the experience there is no further interest in the same-sex. However, if you are in doubt then it is important that you speak to them about your concerns.

Where are some places we can meet men interested in having a threesome?

There are many places you can search and you may find someone interested in places that you may not expect to look.  Nonetheless there are a few places you can try but remember to do it safely:

  • Internet threesomes, dating, and swinging web sites.
  • Swingers clubs on premise
  • Off premise swingers clubs, munches, and meet & greets
  • Swingers Parties
  • Dogging locations

However there a few choices to avoid such as:

  • bars
  • co-workers
  • ex boyfriend / girlfriend or ex spouse

Are there any bad reasons to have a threesome?

Yes they are and they include:

  • Feeling pressured
  • Doing it to please your partner
  • Being coerced or manipulated
  • Using it as a way of preventing cheating
  • Getting drunk and / or high to have a threesome

Will getting high or drunk increase my enjoyment of having a threesome?

Getting high and / or drunk is very bad idea when having a threesome. Reason being you need to be in full control of your decisions and keep up your boundaries. Without being in control of your decisions you put your safety and health at risk. Simply put if you need to get high and /or drunk to have a threesome then you need to reconsider the idea.

What positions can you do in a threesome?

Any position works in a threesome but there are two other positions, split roast and dp.

I am a female who will be having a two male threesome, how do I divide my attention including who do I have sex with first?

You will be the center of the male’s attention. Nonetheless, how you focus your attention may have a significant impact on your relationship. The best advice is to speak with your partner before the threesome and then communicate it to the invited male.

Having two men will mean the female will have sex multiple times?

It is possible that she may have sex more than once. However that will depend on the planned threesome structure, expectations, and if any of the men of suffering from performance anxiety (e.g. inability to get an erection, inability to support an erection, premature ejaculation).

 

A basic introduction understanding threesome risk

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Introduction:

Risk is something that gets talked about a lot but few truly understand the term. From the moment we wake up in the morning, to the time we go work, and even when we sleep we face uncountable number of risks. If we took the time to plan for every conceivable risk and then thought about how we could mitigate them we would spend our lives preparing for events that may never happen. It would create a life full of anxiety about worrying about might happened instead of being able to live our lives. Through our learning experiences we have developed mechanisms that allow us to filter out inconceivable risks in order for us to lead productive lives while still being aware of possible risks. This process exists for threesomes but instead of using the autopilot to sort through the risks in daily life, it becomes necessary to sort through them on a more detailed level. Without having some understanding of risk, planning a threesome becomes more difficult. The purpose of this article is to briefly look at the issue of risk by examining a hypothetical situation and then showing how examining the threesome for risks works.

Risk – defined

When discussing threesomes, risk can be simply thought of as the chance that an event will occur that will results in some damage being done to the relationship. Essentially risk is the element that makes each threesome unique from similar threesomes that other couples may have and it is the one thing that prevents providing generic advice almost impossible since it requires knowing about the couple. For planning a threesome the couple also needs to consider the impact of that the risk would have on their safety and relationship. Along with considering the expected damage to be done the couple also needs to consider the likelihood, chance, that the expected event will occur. This means risk runs the full spectrum from events that are likely to occur with minimal impact to the relationship to events that are very unlikely to occur but if they did occur would have a devastating impact on the relationship.

Risk – applied

Hypothetically let us assume John & Jane have been married for 10 years and Jane has suggested to John that she would like to have a threesome with a former boyfriend. There are several risk issues here and for the sake of the discussion only a few of the risks will be examined for this discussion:

  • Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband (discretion / privacy risk).
  • Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend
  • Relationship is adversely impacted

Analysis

1)       Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband

Impact:  Impact will vary greatly depending on their life circumstances and how open they are about this activity. For example, If Jane does not keep in contact with their previous friends that her former boyfriend & she kept or John & Jane have a different group of friends then impact might be low. However Jane & her former boyfriend met via a business contact then their job and customers might be impacted.

Chance of Occurring: This depends on to a large extent the former boyfriend and his ability to understand the need for discretion. Without further information this author would have to say chance is low since the former boyfriend will be outing himself too.

Way to mitigate: Generally speaking if the need for privacy and discretion is communicated to the third it is usually not an issue.

2)       Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend

Impact:  If Jane became pregnant the impact most likely would be devastating on the relationship with John.

Chance of Occurring: A function of several factors such as if Jane is pre-menopausal and if so when the threesome occurs in relationship to her menstrual cycle. Also it depends on what form of contraception is being used, if it is used as described, and if either of them has been sterilized. This means the chance of occurrence can be high.

Way to mitigate: Use of contraception, especially condom

3)       Relationship is adversely impacted

Impact:  If relationship is adversely impacted by having a threesome then it can have devastating consequences. The fact a former boyfriend has been invited greatly increases the risk. Risk rises further in this situation, if they have been sexually intimate or been a couple for a period of time, greater than 1 year. Therefore it is likely the impact is likely to be high.

Chance of Occurring: Chance of occurring is dependent on several factors, such as how much Jane told John about the relationship with the boyfriend, including any residual feelings for him. In addition the chance that this will adversely impact their relationship rises further if John is uncomfortable with this planned threesome and he is afraid to discuss this with Jane for fear of letting her down. Chance of this occurring is a function of how much communication has occurred and how comfortable John is with this situation.

Way to mitigate: Relationship between Jane & John is such that John is comfortable enough with Jane that he feels as though he can immediately discuss any concerns with her and she is willing to work with John to work through them. Also keeping the planned threesome to a one off whereby John is a full participant will help to lower the risk.

4)       Overall risk

There are potential for some very risky activities that could adversely impact the relationship, especially using a former boyfriend and the risk of pregnancy. Preserving the relationship and looking out for each other’s safety to be paramount when planning a threesome. It is possible with this planned threesome that the couple could lower their risk by finding ways to mitigate it.

Conclusion

The concept of risk is an involved topic that requires examining all aspects of a planned threesome. Reason for talking about risk, albeit briefly, is to get a couple planning a threesome to understand that a threesome carries risk, that the risk can be reduced though not completely eliminated, and the need to think about what is being planned. In addition this chapter brief introduced how to look at risk in a threesome situation. However a real threesome situation is more involved than this because it is unique to the couple and it is this author’s hope that this introduces the couple to the need to examine risks.

 

Preventing and dealing with a threesome that has gone wrong

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelingsIntro

Having a threesome is unpredictable. It has the ability to bring out a plethora of emotions, in a very short period of time, ranging from sheer excitement to sheer fear of abandonment while experiencing nearly every emotion  in between. Some describe it as a roller coaster of emotions and planning on how to deal with them is an integral part of the threesome planning process. Experiencing a lot of emotions over a very short-period of time can too much for some to handle. Planning for this is not always easy and even with the best preparation sometimes the unexpected does happen. This article will briefly look at some of the underlying issues about why a threesome can go wrong and briefly look at some of the possible reasons and steps that can be taken to reduce the chance that it may occur.

Threesome as a catalyst for emotions & communication

Generally speaking threesomes do not create problems. Instead a threesome can act as a catalyst that brings up issues in the relationship that already existed and were brought to the surface by the stress and the dynamics of having a threesome. Essentially, this means, the root of the issue lies in the communication structure of the relationship.

Examples of communication issues include the relationship may have an unwritten rule that certain issues are not discussed, the needs of one spouse takes precedence over the needs of another, or the power of one spouse over the over. These issues will show themselves in many ways in a threesome. For example, if the couple has issues with power then this may play out in the selection of the third whereby one person in the couple submits to the choice due to repeated pressure by their partner. Alternatively, it can show itself in the discussion of the threesome and the repeated conflicts the discussion brings. Likewise, if a couple avoids certain topics then this issue may play out in the choice of the third person whereby one person chooses with minimal advice, if any, from their partner and their partner goes along with the choice without raising any discussion. as the choice of the third, initial resistance to the idea, using threats to end the relationship if a threesome does not, or a resulting power struggle the is brought from planning a threesome.

This means before having a threesome the couple needs to be comfortable with each other enough that discussing anything is possible without fear and have enough history together that any issue can be worked through successfully.

An approach: Dealing with threesome issues

When an issue comes up in a threesome, regardless if it is during or after, there are some solutions that can be tried. The first step is to take a break from having threesomes and if it happens during the threesome then it should be immediately ended. After the threesome has ended the first step is to discuss the events that lead up to the issue. This includes though not limited to:

 

  • Understanding of boundaries
  • Expectation for the threesome
  • Reason for wanting to have a threesome
  • What each person was feeling right before the issue
  • What each person felt right after the issue

Once they have found a solution then their next step is decide if they will continue to have a threesome and if so then they will need to adhere to agreement they made with each other Alternatively if they decide not to continue then it might be worthwhile six to twelve months down the road to revisit the decision.

Mitigating the risk

This leads this author to the question what are the signs and what can be done to prevent issues or at least reduce their impact. Each couple from first discussion to debriefing should take the time to discuss potential reactions that they may have, what might trigger the reaction, how the expect to handle them, and get their partner’s feedback about their reactions. By talking through and addressing any potential ‘flashpoints’ will go a long way to lower any negative feelings after the threesome.

Also as a part of their discussion about having a threesome the couple needs to talk about other broader issues relating to a threesome such as their religious beliefs about sex / threesomes, definitions of cheating, their attitudes about sex, how they were taught about sex, marriage, and how they view what they are planning to do. Taking the time to discuss these issues and work through them will also help to lower any negative feelings afterwards.

Then after the threesome the couple should expect as the thrill of the meet begins to wear off and the reality of what has occurred begins to enter their reality they should expect some feelings that they were not planning to experience. Also they will need to accept their actions, the impact that it may have on their partner and accept that the act has occurred there is no way to change it. Some feelings that may be experienced include:

  • Husband not expecting his wife to enjoy it as much as she did
  • Wife feeling guilty afterwards
  • Feeling as though they have cheated even though their behavior was within the defined boundaries
  • Feelings of loss and / or abandonment
  • Questioning if your partner still loves you
  • Guilt
  • Conflicting emotions over enjoying the meet but feeling as though it was not meant to be enjoyed
  • Issues that were underlying in the relationship begin to surface
  • A fondness for the third person
  • Questions about their relationship

It is important immediately after the threesome comes to an end that the couple begin to talk through the encounter. They should begin to discuss issues about:

  • How they are feeling
  • What they liked about the encounter
  • What they did not like
  • Any issues that were brought up by their actions or the action of their spouse
  • Any boundaries that they thought were violated
  • Any boundaries that they feel should be changed and a reason for them being changed.
  • Would they want to have another threesome
  • Would they want to invite the same person again
  • What would they like to try next time
  • What would they do differently

If debriefing does not occur right after the encounter the risk is that issues will begin to develop and feelings will go unaddressed. Neglecting debriefing will cause a downward spiral in the relationship and allow any issue to grow larger.

For a threesome to have a minimal negative effect on feelings communication needs to be occurring throughout the process, feelings need to be addressed, any issues need to be addressed, and the couple needs to accept that feelings are a part of being human. It is not bad to have feelings that make you uncomfortable but what you do with them is what matters.

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