Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them


Mary Street

Introduction

It is Wednesday and excitement is building to the weekend when the threesome is will be happening. Every free moment ideas run rampant about what it is going to be like and what is going to happen. Discussions continue and refinements are made to the boundaries. Then finally it happens and everything about it is wonderful. At this point, it seems to be a perfectly executed threesome. Shortly after the thrill of the threesome begins wearing off, feelings begin to happen. Feelings of guilt, cheating / being cheated on, and remorse begin to take over. What happened? Why are these feelings happening? There are many possible answers to this question and to explore this topic in great detail will require a book. However, this author will briefly explore and provide their opinion on some of the more common reasons.

Social & Religious messaging about relationships

Western society programs its citizens from an early age, loving relationships involve two people and a sexual practice where another is invited into the relationship is deviant.  For many this messaging becomes a cornerstone on which our belief about relationships and partner selection is based.  Furthermore there are very limited role models that are open about alternative sexual practices and it leaves many who have an interest in the practice feeling participating in an activity like a threesome is in some how wrong. This can mean for some people, the idea of having a threesome remains abstract until it happens and once it does, it can trigger feelings that it is wrong because it is not socially or religiously accepted.

Impulsivity / Lack of Communication

Impulsivity in this blog takes on a slightly different meaning then its dictionary meaning. It means rushing to have a threesome without taking time to consider the idea, establish boundaries, and debrief afterwards.  Taking the necessary steps to have a threesome is vital. It allows for a discussion of the idea, a discussion of feelings, and it allows for the establishment of a safety net whereby each participant knows the limit of the planned threesome. Without taking the time to plan the threesome, important points will be missed. It is this author’s feeling negative feeling about having a threesome after it happens may mean the threesome went beyond a personal comfort level because of the lack of boundaries.  It could also mean debriefing, talking about the threesome and feelings, did not occur or it could mean since limited discussion occurred important points about the threesome where missed. Essentially the negative feeling under this heading is due to a lack of communication regarding having a threesome.

Communication

Unlike the above heading communication does occur. However in this circumstance the issue results from the wrong type of communication occurring, meaning necessary topics were not being discussed or not being discussed to the extent they should. The other problem with communication is the lack of understanding of what is being discussed. This could mean assumptions were being made, everyone had a different idea, or the topic was not clear. Essentially miscommunication was occurring.

Choosing the Third Person

Choosing the third person is vital to the success of a threesome, this author feels. Instead of taking the time to screen the individual and taking the time to ensure they fit; instead the couple opts for them because of their convenience.  Typical choice that is made based convenience maybe a friend, co-worker, or ex-lover. These choices, along with other possible choices, may mean there are some feelings and a relationship. By selecting someone where there is a relationship and at some level feelings, can lead to a conflict of feelings. The conflict arises from having sex with them and the history that exists. This means choosing the third person can have an impact on feelings afterwards.

Environment

Environment means where the threesome occurred, how it occurred, and the interaction of various components that makes up the threesome. This can be anything that can trigger feelings of cheating, such as visiting a cheap hotel in order to protect privacy, to getting drunk  and / or high to have the threesome.

The Individual

Unlike the reasons discussed in this blog that can trigger the feeling, this reason implies the individual has control over how feel and choose to respond to the feeling.

This author believes we are responsible for how we choose to feel about a situation. We can choose to have a threesome and then choose how we feel about it. For example Mary & George, a fictitious couple, choose to have a two female threesome and decide to define cheating as an intentional or reckless disregard for their agreed boundaries. Mary decides to have her first woman on woman experience, which is within their agreed boundaries. To her surprise she enjoyed it and found afterwards it created a flurry of emotions for her, including feeling as though she cheated. Mary has two choices.  She can choose to allow her feelings to dominate her thoughts and allow them to impact how she responds. Alternatively Mary can choose to accept, as a couple who defined cheating she did not cheat, and choose view the experience as an enjoyable experience that taught her something about herself.

Conclusion

What causes negative feelings, such as feeling as though you have cheated after a threesome? The answer can be quite complex that is dependent on the individual, the threesome, and their environment. Most likely a definitive answer cannot be given and the best that could be done is having the individual consider changing the way they view the event. Without having a positive view of the experience and talking about it afterwards, it is likely negative feelings will develop.

Preventing and dealing with a threesome that has gone wrong


English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelingsIntro

Having a threesome is unpredictable. It has the ability to bring out a plethora of emotions, in a very short period of time, ranging from sheer excitement to sheer fear of abandonment while experiencing nearly every emotion  in between. Some describe it as a roller coaster of emotions and planning on how to deal with them is an integral part of the threesome planning process. Experiencing a lot of emotions over a very short-period of time can too much for some to handle. Planning for this is not always easy and even with the best preparation sometimes the unexpected does happen. This article will briefly look at some of the underlying issues about why a threesome can go wrong and briefly look at some of the possible reasons and steps that can be taken to reduce the chance that it may occur.

Threesome as a catalyst for emotions & communication

Generally speaking threesomes do not create problems. Instead a threesome can act as a catalyst that brings up issues in the relationship that already existed and were brought to the surface by the stress and the dynamics of having a threesome. Essentially, this means, the root of the issue lies in the communication structure of the relationship.

Examples of communication issues include the relationship may have an unwritten rule that certain issues are not discussed, the needs of one spouse takes precedence over the needs of another, or the power of one spouse over the over. These issues will show themselves in many ways in a threesome. For example, if the couple has issues with power then this may play out in the selection of the third whereby one person in the couple submits to the choice due to repeated pressure by their partner. Alternatively, it can show itself in the discussion of the threesome and the repeated conflicts the discussion brings. Likewise, if a couple avoids certain topics then this issue may play out in the choice of the third person whereby one person chooses with minimal advice, if any, from their partner and their partner goes along with the choice without raising any discussion. as the choice of the third, initial resistance to the idea, using threats to end the relationship if a threesome does not, or a resulting power struggle the is brought from planning a threesome.

This means before having a threesome the couple needs to be comfortable with each other enough that discussing anything is possible without fear and have enough history together that any issue can be worked through successfully.

An approach: Dealing with threesome issues

When an issue comes up in a threesome, regardless if it is during or after, there are some solutions that can be tried. The first step is to take a break from having threesomes and if it happens during the threesome then it should be immediately ended. After the threesome has ended the first step is to discuss the events that lead up to the issue. This includes though not limited to:

 

  • Understanding of boundaries
  • Expectation for the threesome
  • Reason for wanting to have a threesome
  • What each person was feeling right before the issue
  • What each person felt right after the issue

Once they have found a solution then their next step is decide if they will continue to have a threesome and if so then they will need to adhere to agreement they made with each other Alternatively if they decide not to continue then it might be worthwhile six to twelve months down the road to revisit the decision.

Mitigating the risk

This leads this author to the question what are the signs and what can be done to prevent issues or at least reduce their impact. Each couple from first discussion to debriefing should take the time to discuss potential reactions that they may have, what might trigger the reaction, how the expect to handle them, and get their partner’s feedback about their reactions. By talking through and addressing any potential ‘flashpoints’ will go a long way to lower any negative feelings after the threesome.

Also as a part of their discussion about having a threesome the couple needs to talk about other broader issues relating to a threesome such as their religious beliefs about sex / threesomes, definitions of cheating, their attitudes about sex, how they were taught about sex, marriage, and how they view what they are planning to do. Taking the time to discuss these issues and work through them will also help to lower any negative feelings afterwards.

Then after the threesome the couple should expect as the thrill of the meet begins to wear off and the reality of what has occurred begins to enter their reality they should expect some feelings that they were not planning to experience. Also they will need to accept their actions, the impact that it may have on their partner and accept that the act has occurred there is no way to change it. Some feelings that may be experienced include:

  • Husband not expecting his wife to enjoy it as much as she did
  • Wife feeling guilty afterwards
  • Feeling as though they have cheated even though their behavior was within the defined boundaries
  • Feelings of loss and / or abandonment
  • Questioning if your partner still loves you
  • Guilt
  • Conflicting emotions over enjoying the meet but feeling as though it was not meant to be enjoyed
  • Issues that were underlying in the relationship begin to surface
  • A fondness for the third person
  • Questions about their relationship

It is important immediately after the threesome comes to an end that the couple begin to talk through the encounter. They should begin to discuss issues about:

  • How they are feeling
  • What they liked about the encounter
  • What they did not like
  • Any issues that were brought up by their actions or the action of their spouse
  • Any boundaries that they thought were violated
  • Any boundaries that they feel should be changed and a reason for them being changed.
  • Would they want to have another threesome
  • Would they want to invite the same person again
  • What would they like to try next time
  • What would they do differently

If debriefing does not occur right after the encounter the risk is that issues will begin to develop and feelings will go unaddressed. Neglecting debriefing will cause a downward spiral in the relationship and allow any issue to grow larger.

For a threesome to have a minimal negative effect on feelings communication needs to be occurring throughout the process, feelings need to be addressed, any issues need to be addressed, and the couple needs to accept that feelings are a part of being human. It is not bad to have feelings that make you uncomfortable but what you do with them is what matters.