FAQs about ‘mixed signals,’ what do they mean?

FAQs about mixed signals

My spouse behaves as though they would enjoy a threesome, should I bring up the idea?

I suspect your interpretation of their behavior is based on your knowledge of them and their attitude towards the subject. Rushing a threesome may have disastrous consequences. It is better to speak with them about your observations and speak with them about their feelings towards having a threesome.

During foreplay may spouse / partner becomes highly aroused by the idea of having a threesome, does this mean they want a threesome?

During foreplay resistance lowers and the ability to share a fantasy increases. This leads to the ability to explore the idea of having a threesome in a safe environment where the person is able to control all aspects of the fantasy. However, having a threesome is a lot different because it requires surrender some control to others. At most, becoming aroused by the idea suggests that they are receptive to the idea but it is long journey from being receptive to actually having one.

We have started talking about having a threesome but every time we take a step towards having a threesome my spouse / partner my partner change their mind.

This is common and being supportive is required since they are, most likely, struggling with the idea from an intellectual and emotional level. They may, intellectually, find the idea appealing but emotionally feel as though they are cheating. Conversely they may feel excited about having the opportunity but in their mind they are playing messages about the activity thereby struggling with it.

If my spouse / partner is unsure about the idea is it best to arrange a threesome for them?

No, surprising your partner / spouse with a threesome rarely works and can lead to further problems. If it is something being considered speak with them about it.

It seems as though we were moving quickly towards having a threesome but now our progression towards having a threesome has become stagnant.

This is common when an individual realizes there is a difference between the fantasy of having a threesome versus having a threesome and they begin confronting the idea of having a threesome.

In the beginning my spouse / partner was resistant to the idea but now they are quite excited, why?

Such behavior is common, especially for women and many reasons for the behavior exists. Most likely they are realizing the opportunity it is providing them and the closeness they feel towards their spouse / partner. In most cases, I would see this as a positive and not dwell too much on it.

Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?

Interesting article that focuses on approaching a friend and stranger for a threesome. While I would not describe having a threesome as polyamory, as this author does, nonetheless I quite enjoyed this author’s writing style to discuss the subject. It is a great article well worth the time to read.

Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

via Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

FAQs Finding a third person

What are some of the common places to find a third person for a threesome?

There are several websites dedicated to this, along with swingers clubs, dogging locations, and lifestyle events such as munches. Sometimes finding a couple that is interested in sharing or where one of them is interested in a voyeur role is another possibility.

What are some uncommon places to find a third person?

Finding a third person for a threesome takes patience and being able to think ‘outside of the box.’ The more you search and the more receptive you are to other possibilities the greater the chance, this author believes, you have in finding someone.  This could mean if, for example, you start a conversation with someone in the check-out line they could potentially be your third person. The point is, if you have good communication skills, confident, and extroverted then it is possible any situation could lead in finding your third.

Are co-workers, ex lovers, and friends good choices for threesomes?

This author feels, in most situations, they are not good choices.

Is using an escort or a prostitute a good idea for a threesome, especially fmf?

In most places in the world prostitution is illegal, including Las Vegas. Furthermore, even in the few places where prostitution is legal, the risk of STDs / STIs still remains high; not to mention the risk of arrest where it is illegal and the potential risk to your job.

Should we find someone in our town or out of town?

This depends on your level of comfort, the size of your town, and the distance between towns. In this author opinion, if being discreet is essential and you live in a relatively small town then you are probably better off finding someone out of town. Likewise if your job would be at risk if it is discovered you are having a threesome then the more you can do to protect your privacy then the better. Nonetheless the distance to drive to meet someone becomes a factor and driving great distance may not be worth the investment. Simply put there is no easy answer here and it depends on the needs of the couple.

Is it better to have a threesome while on holiday / vacation?

Being on holiday / vacation does allow for easing of personal space and allows for openness that does not always occur in our day to day lives. Also, it can allow for an opportunity to protect your privacy, to a greater extent. Lastly being on holiday / vacation can create a situation where a threesome is more likely to occur. However, you do not need to wait until you are on holiday / vacation to search for a threesome and can have one anytime.

If we are having a full threesome or a soft-swinging experience then should we should choose someone that it similar to us?

Not necessarily, a short-term threesome usually involves focusing on the physical enjoyment of the experience and preventing the formation of an emotional bond with the third person. By selecting someone who is similar, increases the chance that one of you will become emotionally involved with them and adversely impact your relationship. Instead, this author feels, the focus should be on finding someone that you physically attracted to but there is enough of a difference that prevents an emotional bond from being formed. In this author’s opinion this analogous to a ‘friend with benefits’ situation.

How long should we communicate with the third person before having the threesome?

This depends, for example, on the frequency of communication, the distance to be traveled for the meeting, and the type of threesome being planned. If a full-threesome or a soft-swinging encounter is being planned then this author feels the amount of communication should be enough to judge the safety of the situation, if the person meets your needs, and agreement on boundaries. However, if this is a situation where it might ongoing, a cuckold, or a menage da trios then the communication should enough where a relationship can form.

Related articles

• Polyamory vs. Threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
• FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2 (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Frequently Asked questions about choosing a third person for a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
• FAQs about boundaries (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Writing an ad – Advice for single males (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Anal Sex FAQs (3somes.wordpress.com)
• Threesome Terminology (3somes.wordpress.com)
• An introduction to anal sex (3somes.wordpress.com)

FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2

Are threesomes similar to what is shown the movies, talk shows, and television?

Movies, talks show, and television are commercial enterprises that need to generate revenue for their company. This means they have to focus on aspects of having a threesome that brings in revenue for them thereby avoiding a balanced approach to the topic. Simply when a media enterprise (e.g. a talk show) focuses on threesomes they are focusing on the aspects they believe will bring in the most viewers for them thereby being able to charge more for advertising.  In this author’s opinion, anyone considering having a threesome should not base their decision on anything they see on television regarding the topic.

Will a threesome destroy our relationship?

This author believes a threesome will not destroy a relationship but the threesome process can bring to the surface, at a very fast pace, issues that can adversely impact a relationship. Also, this author believes if there are underlying issues in a relationship a threesome can amplify those issues whereby if a threesome did not occur then it might have been addressed. Finally this author believes a threesome cannot fix a troubled relationship but can help a good relationship.

For example a fictitious Couple, Fred & Ginger, discuss having a threesome. During the process Fred starts out like a child in a candy store, unable to wait for the threesome to happen. As the threesome grows closer, Fred becomes insecure but does not say anything to his wife, Ginger, because he does not want to deny her having a threesome. When they have the threesome Fred becomes more insecure leaving in the middle of the threesome in tears and accusing Ginger of cheating.

In the above example, it is arguable at least two issues in the couple’s relationship exist. The first is insecurity.  Granted, there is a level of insecurity in most relationships but in this situation being confronted with a threesome brought forward the issue of insecurity and the issue impacted the relationship. Second issue is communication and more precisely the fear of discussing an uncomfortable subject. Had the couple talked about what a threesome might be like for them, the issues around them, and discussed the feelings of insecurity then Fred may not have become upset.

Final example, another fictitious couple Barney and Betty have a threesome. Throughout the process they talk about their feelings, about issues that come up, and plan a threesome that is agreeable to the both of them. After the threesome they talk about how the threesome left them and discuss their next steps. They find the process of communication and providing for each other’s pleasure has brought them together.

We have planned our threesome does it means it will go as planned?

By planning a threesome it helps those involved identify risk, determine their impact on the relationship, and determine what needs to be done. Unfortunately, the best of planning still leaves the chance something was missed or something unexpected may happen.

How would you describe having a threesome?

If you ask 100 people who had a threesome they will give you 100 different answers. The best way, this author believes, is describing it as a roller-coaster rid. This means it can be scary at time but if enjoyed, this author feels, it can be exciting.  Also, the roller-coaster analogy is used to describe the feelings an individual may go through from feeling insecure to total arousal in a matter of minutes.

My partner has stated during foreplay they would love to have a threesome but after sex says they do not want a threesome, what am I to do?

This is typically referred to as “mixed signals.” There are many explanations as to why this occurs but it is a sign that your partner is not ready for a threesome. They may mentally like the idea; however at an emotional or social level they may not be ready for it. In this author’s opinion, the best thing that can be time is to give your partner time and not push the idea. When the opportunity arises openly and honestly talks to them about the idea.

I have tried to bring up the idea of having a threesome with my partner but they refuse, how can I convince them?

There is no way to convince your partner to have a threesome and probably the worst thing you can do is to pressure them. Instead, this author believes, you need to first become comfortable with the idea and be comfortable discussing it. This may mean you take time researching the idea, understanding what is involved, and try to find ways to introduce the idea in non-threatening ways to your partner. If you can do it and your partner is receptive then it may mean you have a chance that a threesome will occur in the future. However, not everyone is suitable for a threesome and not everyone wants a threesome. Therefore, be ready to love your partner for who they are and not what they can give you.

My partner / spouse is cheating. If I agree to have a threesome  with my partner / spouse will it stop them from cheating?

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome to prevent or stop someone from cheating does not work. This is because, this author believes, cheating is a sign of a deeper relationship issues that needs addressing and having a threesome will not fix it.

FAQs about boundaries

What is the purpose of having boundaries for a threesome?

Boundaries serve at least two purposes for having a threesome. The first purpose it defines the limit of the threesome. It provides assurances that the threesome will not go beyond the define limit thereby allowing trust to occur. Second purpose, by having boundaries it defines cheating. Second purpose it defines how the relationship will handle the threesome. An example is agreeing the decision to have a threesome is mutual and it will not be used against the other in any conflict that may develop.

What is cheating?

Cheating is when a boundary is intentionally or recklessly violated.

What boundaries should we have for our threesome?

Defining a set of universal boundaries for a threesome is nearly impossible since they are specific to the couple and the situation.

Is it better to approach a threesome with no boundaries?

In this author’s opinion, no it is not. Reason being, couples are not be able to expect every possible situation that may arise and by not setting boundaries, it is possible that the unexpected may happen leading to hurt feelings.  If a couple sets some general boundaries it will offer a “safety-net” that the threesome will not go beyond the agreed boundaries.

What makes a good boundary?

• Boundary must be clear
• Everyone must have the same understanding of the boundary
• Everyone should agree to it
• It should be specific
• It should be realistic
• Boundary should not contradict or compete with other boundaries
• There should not be too many boundaries

Do we need to communicate our boundaries to the invited third person?

The invited person must be made aware of your boundaries and should agree to follow them. This may mean some negotiation on boundaries occurs but for the most part they should stay intact.

If the third person does not agree to some boundaries should we disregard them?

As a couple you should decide which boundaries are essential to allow you to have a threesome and decide which boundaries are not essential. Boundaries that are essential should not be negotiated but those boundaries that are classed as non-essential can be negotiated.

Once we have our boundaries, are they permanent?

As you gain threesome experience it is prudent to periodically check boundaries to decide which ones need to be kept, which boundaries can be discarded, and which ones can be modified.

If we during a threesome we decide a boundary is not right should we discard it?

In this author’s opinion the boundary should stay and then review it after the threesome. It could be the “heat of the moment” is influencing your perception and if you impulsively change a boundary it may cause issues later.

Related articles

• Non-Shifting And Shifting Boundaries – What’s The Difference? (recoveryalongroute66.com)
• How Slutty Should She Go? (passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com)

Anal Sex FAQs

Anal Sex Basics in FAQ format

How important is foreplay to anal sex?

This author believes it is quite important since it helps to ease any discomfort or pain. It also helps to make the anus pliable for penetration.

How can I get over the discomfort and pain anal sex causes?

The anus and rectum are not designed for sex. This means care needs to be taken not to injure the person. Preventing injury requires care is taken with insertion, the individual is properly relaxed, and the anus is properly stretched. As a result, anal sex is something that requires time, patience, and cannot be done as a ‘quickie.’

How do I relax / How do I get my partner to relax for anal sex?

Provided there is no medical reason try taking a deep breath followed by slowly exhaling. Doing this a few times might help. Another possible technique to try is liberally and often lubricating the anus along with liberal lubrication of anything being inserted. Also, take time with foreplay to get become aroused and try to include some finger play to get the anus to relax. With that said, based on this author’s experience using enema or anal douche are not typically needed to manage discomfort.

Should anal sex toys be used?

From this author’s experience they can enhance the enjoyment. However for those who are just starting out, using toys should only be used once you learn how to manage the discomfort.

What toys would you recommend trying?

For those starting out I would recommend trying a butt plug designed for beginners. Typically they are smaller with a narrower circumference. This type of toy minimizes discomfort and is easily interted. Also I would recommend trying an anal dildo.

Why water based lubricant instead of the other forms of lubrication?

Water based lubricants will not breakdown a condom where others might.

How does anal sex fit into a threesome scenario

Using anal sex in a threesome can occur as a part of double penetration or between two people as the other watches.

What type of communication needs to occur for anal sex?

The couple / threesome needs the ability to discuss what works, what is comfortable, and being able to communicate comfort levels. Without being able to discuss what is working and comfort, enjoyable anal sex will be difficult.

If my husband / boyfriend want to try anal sex does it mean they are gay?

No it does not.

What are some of the risks of anal sex?

There is a small risk of pregnancy from anal sex, especially if vaginal penetration occurs or no condom is used.  Also there is a risk of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs and UTIs (urinary tract infections). Finally there is a risk of injury to the rectum and the surrounding structures (e.g. prostrate – men, bladder, urethra, colon, and vagina – women).

Related articles

• The Anal Sex Position Guide The Best Positions for Easy, Exciting, Mind-Blowing Pleasure (extratorrent.com)
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FAQs surviving a threesome

 

 

I have agreed to have a threesome but now I am unsure if want to go through with it?

 

Having a threesome is a personal decision. If you are not ready to have one then you tell your partner / couple know that you want to either delay the threesome or you have changed your mind.

 

Is having a threesome considered cheating?

 

Unlike an affair, where an emotional relationship is formed, a threesome is about pleasure. Therefore, in this author’s opinion a threesome is not cheating provided boundaries are respected and it is done in the open.

 

Is it possible to stay monogamous and still have a threesome?

 

It depends on how monogamy is defined. This author believes emotional monogamy can be maintained if the couple does not undertake cuckolding, does not undertake an open relationship, or enters into a polyamorous relationship. Furthermore this author believes depending on how the couple defines soft-swinging it can offer the couple the opportunity to stay monogamous while experiencing a threesome.

 

How can I cope watching my partner having sex with someone else in front of me?

 

There is no easy answer to this question and the best answer, this author feels, is communication. Take time to discuss your feelings with your partner and the concerns you have. Also talk through “what if…” scenarios and if you feel it will be too much for then take the time to consider not having a threesome.

 

How do I deal with my feelings after the threesome?

 

The best way, this author feels, is by debriefing. Debriefing means, as soon as it is practical, talk through the threesome. This means talking about at least, things that went well, things that did not go well, any concerns, and how to move things forward. Then continue talking about the threesome until both of you feel the issues have been addressed.

 

FAQ about threesomes for couples – Part 1

Do we need to practice safe-sex since my partner / spouse has undergone sterilization?

Safe-sex goes beyond preventing pregnancy and it involves protecting yourself against STDs / STIs. Being sterilized will not protect against the risk of STIs / STDs.

Having a threesome will improve our relationship?

Having threesome will not necessarily improve a relationship and it can destroy it. How a threesome will impact a relationship is dependent on several factors and the impact may not be known for some time. This may mean the short-term impact is negative but the long-term impact is good.  It also means how the couple works through the impact and communicate may be the best indicator of how the threesome will impact them.

Having boundaries mean I will be restricting my partner’s enjoyment and it is best not to have boundaries?

Boundaries act as a safety-net and define the limits of the threesome. By having boundaries it means each can emotionally prepare themselves for the threesome and reduce the chance of the unexpected happening (e.g. anal sex when the implied expectation was vaginal penetration).

Is Having a threesome is cheating?

Cheating is a term that is define by each couple and therefore, is difficult to define. In the context of a threesome, this author feels, cheating occurs when boundaries have been violated. This means as long as the boundaries are maintained then no cheating has occurred.

My partner has stated during foreplay they want to have a threesome, I should arrange it for them?

There is a difference between the fantasy of a threesome during foreplay and actually having one. During the fantasy you can be the director, the writer, the producer, the actor, and determine the outcome. However, in reality, you can only control your reactions.

If I Say yes to a threesome then I cannot change my mind?

A threesome can only happen if all three participants agree to it and each person in a threesome has a right to say no at any time.

When is a good time to have a threesome?

It is easier to discuss when having a threesome is bad for a couple just starting out with having a threesome, this includes:

• Major life event (e.g. death of someone close, a major illness)
• A period of stress or conflict in the relationship
• A history or an episode of infidelity
• Not being a committed monogamous couple for at least 2 – 5 years
• Not feeling comfortable enough to discuss any issue with your partner or there are implied topics that are not discussed in the relationship.

How can I know be certain if we decide to have a threesome it will be successful?

There is no way to know with 100% accuracy. The best way, this author feels, is to consider the following the list below and the list below is only meant as a guide, not a guarantee.

• Both of you are secure enough in your relationship whereby having sex with someone else will not destroy the relationship.
• You are secure enough in your relationship you can have sex with someone else in front of your partner or you are secure enough in your relationship whereby you can watch your partner having sex with someone else.
• As a couple the two of you can talk about any subject and there are no off limit topics
• As a couple you have been together at a minimum for 2 – 5 years.
• The planning of the threesome has involved both of you; it is not a surprise threesome and it is not a threesome where all of the planning has fallen on one individual
• There has been no force, coercion, pressure, or manipulation used in deciding to have a threesome.
• The reason for having a threesome does not include the preventing of cheating, “adding spice” to the relationship, or having a threesome due to the sex becoming routine.
• Decision to have a threesome is not made shortly after a major life event (e.g. marriage, death of a loved one, major move, etc).

MFM threesome FAQs

If we have a two male, mfm, threesome will there be male on male contact?

In most cases, no, since most mfm are straight (no male on male contact). However, if it something, as a couple, you are looking for then it is possible to find a bi male but be safe in regards to STDs / STIs.

Couples looking for a two male, mfm, threesomes are looking for another male to join them because the primary male cannot meet the female’s sexual needs?

Most couples that look for a second male have stable relationships and have a threesome because it is their choice. This means you are being invited to join them because they are looking to explore their sexuality and not because there is an underlying issue in their relationship.

What types of risk exist with having a mfm threesome?

The biggest risks includes, though not limited to:

• pregnancy
•  STDs / STIs
• misunderstanding boundaries / miscommunication
• conflict during or after the threesome
• ending of the relationship

My husband / partner wants a mfm threesome, does it mean he is gay?

Most likely no, most threesomes are two male threesomes that are straight.  Very few two male threesomes involve male on male activity due to risk of STDs / STIs. Even if there is some male-on-male contact it does not mean he is gay. A threesome situation can be quite arousing and allowing opportunity for exploration whereby some same-sex contact does occur. Then after the experience there is no further interest in the same-sex. However, if you are in doubt then it is important that you speak to them about your concerns.

Where are some places we can meet men interested in having a threesome?

There are many places you can search and you may find someone interested in places that you may not expect to look.  Nonetheless there are a few places you can try but remember to do it safely:

• Internet threesomes, dating, and swinging web sites.
• Swingers clubs on premise
• Off premise swingers clubs, munches, and meet & greets
• Swingers Parties
• Dogging locations

However there a few choices to avoid such as:

• bars
• co-workers
• ex boyfriend / girlfriend or ex spouse

Are there any bad reasons to have a threesome?

Yes they are and they include:

• Feeling pressured
• Doing it to please your partner
• Being coerced or manipulated
• Using it as a way of preventing cheating
• Getting drunk and / or high to have a threesome

Will getting high or drunk increase my enjoyment of having a threesome?

Getting high and / or drunk is very bad idea when having a threesome. Reason being you need to be in full control of your decisions and keep up your boundaries. Without being in control of your decisions you put your safety and health at risk. Simply put if you need to get high and /or drunk to have a threesome then you need to reconsider the idea.

What positions can you do in a threesome?

Any position works in a threesome but there are two other positions, split roast and dp.

I am a female who will be having a two male threesome, how do I divide my attention including who do I have sex with first?

You will be the center of the male’s attention. Nonetheless, how you focus your attention may have a significant impact on your relationship. The best advice is to speak with your partner before the threesome and then communicate it to the invited male.

Having two men will mean the female will have sex multiple times?

It is possible that she may have sex more than once. However that will depend on the planned threesome structure, expectations, and if any of the men of suffering from performance anxiety (e.g. inability to get an erection, inability to support an erection, premature ejaculation).

 

Basic Threesome FAQ

Basic threesome information for the novice

Will a threesome destroy our relationship?

This author believes a threesome will not necessarily destroy a relationship but this author believes, a threesome can act as a catalyst bringing up underlying relationship issues to the surface faster.

Can a threesome fix a troubled relationship or add spice to it?

A threesome cannot fix a trouble relationship or relationship that has become stagnant. In this type of situation it is likely the threesome will make the relationship worse, not better.

Is inviting an ex or a co-worker a good idea to a threesome?

While a few threesomes might work using an ex or a co-worker, most likely this is an ill-advised choice. This is due to the potential risks they pose to the couple. Typical risks for inviting a co-worker include sexual harassment claims, loss of job, loss of privacy, problems at work, and a greater chance cheating might occur. For an ex the biggest risk is the relationship might restart again leading to cheating or the relationship ending.

My partner becomes quite aroused of the idea of having a threesome during foreplay is it advisable to arrange one and then surprise them with it?

No. There is a difference between fantasy and reality, especially when it comes to threesomes. If your partner has expressed an interest in having a threesome then it is best to speak to them outside of the bedroom and at a time when there is no distractions.

My partner has expressed an interest in having a threesome, have they stopped loving me? Do they want a divorce?

You will need to speak to them if you are concerned. However, in most cases it can be a compliment because they feel secure enough in the relationship and want to explore their boundaries with you. Therefore, it is likely the answer to this question is no.

What is soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging has a variety of definitions but at the core of the definition it means no penetration (oral, vaginal, or anal) by the invited third person.

What are the different types of threesomes?

• Soft-swinging
• Full threesome
• Cuckolding
• Ménage a trios
• Polyamory: couple with an invited third
• Open relationship
• Fantasy Play / Role Playing
• Dogging
• Friends with Benefits (can be)

My husband / partner wants a mfm threesome, does it mean he is gay?

Most likely no, most threesomes are two male threesomes that are straight.  Very few two male threesomes involve male on male activity due to risk of STDs / STIs. If you are in doubt then speak to them about it.

After bringing up the idea, how long does it take before we are ready to have a threesome?

It can take any where from a few weeks to a few years depending on the couple. There are some couples that may ultimately decide a threesome is not for them.

My husband and I want a fmf threesome, is it true that it is difficult to find a single woman to join us?

Reality is very few single women are interested in having a fmf threesome with a couple and those who those that are interested are in very high demand. This means a single woman can be selective in the couple she chooses and it means the couple can spend well over a year searching. Best advice would be to search for another couple that is willing to share the female with you but be ready that they will expect that you reciprocate.

Where can we find a threesome?

There are many places to look for a threesome and many opportunities that happen can lead to a threesome. The challenge is knowing which ones will be fruitful versus being a waste of time. Below are a few suggestions:

• Online dating and threesomes sites.
• There are a few smart phone apps being produced for this type of search and are beginning making it into the market.
• Swingers club (not recommended for those just starting out)
• Swingers party (not recommended for those just starting out)
• Friends (risky and requires a lot of thought)