Tag Archives: Choice

Lifestyle does it exist? Is it bad choice?

Posted in Cuckolding, Relationships, Threesome opinions by

Lifestyle what does it mean?

Lifestyle is a word that describe the way we chose to live our life. It gets applied to everything from threesome, open relationships to where we live or our profession. Very rarely do we really think about its meaning or what it implies. For the rest of this article the focus will be threesome.

Think for a moment, what does threesome lifestyle means? For me, it means a someone who regularly participates in having a threesome. Their participation has gone beyond exploration, it has gone beyond someone who occasionally has a threesome and it has become a part of their identity. For a couple, I believe, lifestyle means they regularly take part in their activity that it has become a part of defining their relationship.

This raises a fundamental question, is having a threesome lifestyle a good thing? On the surface it may seem quite bad since it raises the question, is this the way the couple relates to each other? Also it suggests having a threesome bleeds into other aspects of their relationship and it is the only way a couple defines their relationship. Essentially the term lifestyle as it relates to threesome suggests a couple’s relationship is one-dimensional and for the person, it implies having a threesome lifestyle dominates their life. Thereby suggesting they have some type of anxiety, control, or inability to relate to others issue.

I believe, the bigger question is how does a couple support their relationship? If having a threesome is the only way they can connect then, I believe, it is something bad. However, if it is primary element to their relationship and they have other ways they connect then it not a bad thing. Being able to communicate, being able to connect outside of the threesome, and having a relationship that is bigger than the threesome are central in having a relationship that can survive a threesome.

Therefore, lifestyle means regularly having a threesome but being able to detach from having a threesome to support the relationship. It means to me a rich experience, in which, having a threesome contributes to the overall success and happiness of a couple. Likewise contributes to the person happiness of the person participating in a threesome. Finally having a lifestyle does not bleed into other aspects of your life but helps in defining who your identity. In essence lifestyle is an identity that contributes to your overall happiness and satisfaction.

Does introducing a thrid person positively or negatively impact a relationship?

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions by

IMG_8702Threesome Impact on Relationships

Introduction

Imagine having a crystal ball with the ability to see into the future or having a software program that can accurately predict if a planned threesome will be successful. As humans wanting to know the outcome before it happens helps us make decisions and helps us decide if the risk is worth taking. However, having a threesome involves a lot of unknown factors and much depends on the choice of the third person. So how do you know if introducing a third person will positively or negatively impact a relationship? Until a crystal ball is developed or a software programs is written that can predict the impact of a third person on a relationship there is no way of knowing. Instead the best that can be done is understanding the dynamics involved.

The Couple – can they cope with change

The impact of introducing a third on a couple’s relationship depends a lot dynamics of the couple and how they react to change. Introducing a third person, even as a one-off situation, will forever change the couple and once a threesome occurs it cannot be undone. Therefore the question a couple must ask themselves, are they ready for the change?

What type of change will they face? It is not possible to know every permutation of a threesome situation and talk about every possible change. Instead the most likely changes will include how the relate to each other, how they react to the feelings they experience, and how they perceive the threesome experience. This means the impact of introducing a third person will depend on each of them as individuals, how they cope with having a threesome and collectively as a couple. It means the change to the relationship may not be good and the impact, short-term or long-term, maybe the relationship is adversely impacted. How the couple copes with adversity will determine if the relationship is able to make it through or not.

The Third Person – Is Compatibility is better than availability

If given a hypothetical choice between receiving $100 (£100) now or $1,000 (£1,000) six months from now, which would you choose? Would you go for the immediate reward or the delayed reward? The above question demonstrates how we, sometimes, make decisions. Sometimes we choose the immediate reward because of its availability instead of delaying of it for a bigger reward later. This type of decision making is readily seen when choosing a third person for a threesome. Sometimes the choice is made because of availability instead of compatibility.

So why is compatibility important? If the choice is made due to availability then it implies there was some form of compromise. There is nothing wrong with compromise provided the compromise does involve giving up core beliefs / boundaries about having a threesome. If core beliefs / boundaries are given up it can lead to feelings such as anger, resentment, and finding ways to sabotage the threesome. This can only lead to problems later in the relationship.

So, the solution is finding someone that is compatible. Compatibility in the context of a threesome does not necessarily mean someone that shares common interests and someone where a bond is shared. Instead it means someone where there is enough of an interest, commonality, and at least a physical attraction by each member of the threesome to allow the threesome to occur.

Does finding someone that is compatible means the threesome will be free from issues? Definitely no, but it does mean the chance an issue will arise is less since the selected person meets the needs of the couple.

The Unknown – Learning to anticipate possible outcomes

Planning a threesome means being able to understand the unknown, anything that is not expected that can have an impact, by planning for it. So how do you prepare for the unknown? There is no way to prepare for every eventuality but understanding some of the challenges that may be faced will help in the preparation. This could be issues like jealousy, anger, developing feelings, or safety. It could issues such as location, your partner’s weaknesses, or past issues. In essence, it is trying to visualize the threesome based on what is being planned along with understanding your history as a couple.

Conclusion

In answer to the question, will introducing a third person into the relationship have a positive or negative impact? The answer is simply it is not possible to know. The best that can be done is looking inside yourself, assessing the relationship, and assessing the third person selected, then asking do I believe a threesome will work? If you believe it will work then it is important to accept the decision, work towards making the threesome as enjoyable as possible and accept that the relationship will change. Should you, as a couple, be able to adapt to change and work through any adversity then it is reasonable in expecting that the threesome will have a positive impact on the relationship.

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Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Mary Street

Introduction

It is Wednesday and excitement is building to the weekend when the threesome is will be happening. Every free moment ideas run rampant about what it is going to be like and what is going to happen. Discussions continue and refinements are made to the boundaries. Then finally it happens and everything about it is wonderful. At this point, it seems to be a perfectly executed threesome. Shortly after the thrill of the threesome begins wearing off, feelings begin to happen. Feelings of guilt, cheating / being cheated on, and remorse begin to take over. What happened? Why are these feelings happening? There are many possible answers to this question and to explore this topic in great detail will require a book. However, this author will briefly explore and provide their opinion on some of the more common reasons.

Social & Religious messaging about relationships

Western society programs its citizens from an early age, loving relationships involve two people and a sexual practice where another is invited into the relationship is deviant.  For many this messaging becomes a cornerstone on which our belief about relationships and partner selection is based.  Furthermore there are very limited role models that are open about alternative sexual practices and it leaves many who have an interest in the practice feeling participating in an activity like a threesome is in some how wrong. This can mean for some people, the idea of having a threesome remains abstract until it happens and once it does, it can trigger feelings that it is wrong because it is not socially or religiously accepted.

Impulsivity / Lack of Communication

Impulsivity in this blog takes on a slightly different meaning then its dictionary meaning. It means rushing to have a threesome without taking time to consider the idea, establish boundaries, and debrief afterwards.  Taking the necessary steps to have a threesome is vital. It allows for a discussion of the idea, a discussion of feelings, and it allows for the establishment of a safety net whereby each participant knows the limit of the planned threesome. Without taking the time to plan the threesome, important points will be missed. It is this author’s feeling negative feeling about having a threesome after it happens may mean the threesome went beyond a personal comfort level because of the lack of boundaries.  It could also mean debriefing, talking about the threesome and feelings, did not occur or it could mean since limited discussion occurred important points about the threesome where missed. Essentially the negative feeling under this heading is due to a lack of communication regarding having a threesome.

Communication

Unlike the above heading communication does occur. However in this circumstance the issue results from the wrong type of communication occurring, meaning necessary topics were not being discussed or not being discussed to the extent they should. The other problem with communication is the lack of understanding of what is being discussed. This could mean assumptions were being made, everyone had a different idea, or the topic was not clear. Essentially miscommunication was occurring.

Choosing the Third Person

Choosing the third person is vital to the success of a threesome, this author feels. Instead of taking the time to screen the individual and taking the time to ensure they fit; instead the couple opts for them because of their convenience.  Typical choice that is made based convenience maybe a friend, co-worker, or ex-lover. These choices, along with other possible choices, may mean there are some feelings and a relationship. By selecting someone where there is a relationship and at some level feelings, can lead to a conflict of feelings. The conflict arises from having sex with them and the history that exists. This means choosing the third person can have an impact on feelings afterwards.

Environment

Environment means where the threesome occurred, how it occurred, and the interaction of various components that makes up the threesome. This can be anything that can trigger feelings of cheating, such as visiting a cheap hotel in order to protect privacy, to getting drunk  and / or high to have the threesome.

The Individual

Unlike the reasons discussed in this blog that can trigger the feeling, this reason implies the individual has control over how feel and choose to respond to the feeling.

This author believes we are responsible for how we choose to feel about a situation. We can choose to have a threesome and then choose how we feel about it. For example Mary & George, a fictitious couple, choose to have a two female threesome and decide to define cheating as an intentional or reckless disregard for their agreed boundaries. Mary decides to have her first woman on woman experience, which is within their agreed boundaries. To her surprise she enjoyed it and found afterwards it created a flurry of emotions for her, including feeling as though she cheated. Mary has two choices.  She can choose to allow her feelings to dominate her thoughts and allow them to impact how she responds. Alternatively Mary can choose to accept, as a couple who defined cheating she did not cheat, and choose view the experience as an enjoyable experience that taught her something about herself.

Conclusion

What causes negative feelings, such as feeling as though you have cheated after a threesome? The answer can be quite complex that is dependent on the individual, the threesome, and their environment. Most likely a definitive answer cannot be given and the best that could be done is having the individual consider changing the way they view the event. Without having a positive view of the experience and talking about it afterwards, it is likely negative feelings will develop.

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Preventing and dealing with a threesome that has gone wrong

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelingsIntro

Having a threesome is unpredictable. It has the ability to bring out a plethora of emotions, in a very short period of time, ranging from sheer excitement to sheer fear of abandonment while experiencing nearly every emotion  in between. Some describe it as a roller coaster of emotions and planning on how to deal with them is an integral part of the threesome planning process. Experiencing a lot of emotions over a very short-period of time can too much for some to handle. Planning for this is not always easy and even with the best preparation sometimes the unexpected does happen. This article will briefly look at some of the underlying issues about why a threesome can go wrong and briefly look at some of the possible reasons and steps that can be taken to reduce the chance that it may occur.

Threesome as a catalyst for emotions & communication

Generally speaking threesomes do not create problems. Instead a threesome can act as a catalyst that brings up issues in the relationship that already existed and were brought to the surface by the stress and the dynamics of having a threesome. Essentially, this means, the root of the issue lies in the communication structure of the relationship.

Examples of communication issues include the relationship may have an unwritten rule that certain issues are not discussed, the needs of one spouse takes precedence over the needs of another, or the power of one spouse over the over. These issues will show themselves in many ways in a threesome. For example, if the couple has issues with power then this may play out in the selection of the third whereby one person in the couple submits to the choice due to repeated pressure by their partner. Alternatively, it can show itself in the discussion of the threesome and the repeated conflicts the discussion brings. Likewise, if a couple avoids certain topics then this issue may play out in the choice of the third person whereby one person chooses with minimal advice, if any, from their partner and their partner goes along with the choice without raising any discussion. as the choice of the third, initial resistance to the idea, using threats to end the relationship if a threesome does not, or a resulting power struggle the is brought from planning a threesome.

This means before having a threesome the couple needs to be comfortable with each other enough that discussing anything is possible without fear and have enough history together that any issue can be worked through successfully.

An approach: Dealing with threesome issues

When an issue comes up in a threesome, regardless if it is during or after, there are some solutions that can be tried. The first step is to take a break from having threesomes and if it happens during the threesome then it should be immediately ended. After the threesome has ended the first step is to discuss the events that lead up to the issue. This includes though not limited to:

 

  • Understanding of boundaries
  • Expectation for the threesome
  • Reason for wanting to have a threesome
  • What each person was feeling right before the issue
  • What each person felt right after the issue

Once they have found a solution then their next step is decide if they will continue to have a threesome and if so then they will need to adhere to agreement they made with each other Alternatively if they decide not to continue then it might be worthwhile six to twelve months down the road to revisit the decision.

Mitigating the risk

This leads this author to the question what are the signs and what can be done to prevent issues or at least reduce their impact. Each couple from first discussion to debriefing should take the time to discuss potential reactions that they may have, what might trigger the reaction, how the expect to handle them, and get their partner’s feedback about their reactions. By talking through and addressing any potential ‘flashpoints’ will go a long way to lower any negative feelings after the threesome.

Also as a part of their discussion about having a threesome the couple needs to talk about other broader issues relating to a threesome such as their religious beliefs about sex / threesomes, definitions of cheating, their attitudes about sex, how they were taught about sex, marriage, and how they view what they are planning to do. Taking the time to discuss these issues and work through them will also help to lower any negative feelings afterwards.

Then after the threesome the couple should expect as the thrill of the meet begins to wear off and the reality of what has occurred begins to enter their reality they should expect some feelings that they were not planning to experience. Also they will need to accept their actions, the impact that it may have on their partner and accept that the act has occurred there is no way to change it. Some feelings that may be experienced include:

  • Husband not expecting his wife to enjoy it as much as she did
  • Wife feeling guilty afterwards
  • Feeling as though they have cheated even though their behavior was within the defined boundaries
  • Feelings of loss and / or abandonment
  • Questioning if your partner still loves you
  • Guilt
  • Conflicting emotions over enjoying the meet but feeling as though it was not meant to be enjoyed
  • Issues that were underlying in the relationship begin to surface
  • A fondness for the third person
  • Questions about their relationship

It is important immediately after the threesome comes to an end that the couple begin to talk through the encounter. They should begin to discuss issues about:

  • How they are feeling
  • What they liked about the encounter
  • What they did not like
  • Any issues that were brought up by their actions or the action of their spouse
  • Any boundaries that they thought were violated
  • Any boundaries that they feel should be changed and a reason for them being changed.
  • Would they want to have another threesome
  • Would they want to invite the same person again
  • What would they like to try next time
  • What would they do differently

If debriefing does not occur right after the encounter the risk is that issues will begin to develop and feelings will go unaddressed. Neglecting debriefing will cause a downward spiral in the relationship and allow any issue to grow larger.

For a threesome to have a minimal negative effect on feelings communication needs to be occurring throughout the process, feelings need to be addressed, any issues need to be addressed, and the couple needs to accept that feelings are a part of being human. It is not bad to have feelings that make you uncomfortable but what you do with them is what matters.

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