Threesome myths



During ratings sweep it is possible to see a tantalizing article about couples who take part in threesomes and it is fairly easy to find a talk show, covering the topic in some form.  From watching the news, news programs and talk shows it is easy to form an opinion of having a threesome. However do we ask, is this an accurate portrayal or is a perspective being given to get ratings? This author will take a look at some of the perceptions of threesomes and will try to expose some of the myths around them.

Since the couple does not have an open relationship there is no risk to the relationship

Porn movies are notorious for portraying a threesome as a way to have sex without the consequences and no opening up the relationship probably carries less risk. Nonetheless, the reality is any decision, including the decision to have a threesome, carries consequences and having a threesome can impact a couple’s relationship.  The fact that the relationship is no open does not mean residual feelings from having the threesome or by having a threesome it brings up underlying issues. Since there is no guarantee a threesome will work, the best advice is to talk through having a threesome and continue to talk about it to address any feelings that may linger afterwards.

Every man wants fmf threesome

Every man does not want a two woman threesome. A man is person who has feelings, beliefs and experiences. This means not every man wants a fmf threesome because it goes against their beliefs or from their experiences they feel a threesome is not in their best interest.  Those who do have a threesome, most, will have a two male threesome. This is not because they are bisexual or gay; instead it is because a single man is more likely to take part in a threesome than a single woman.

Best choice for a threesome is a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover

While a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover may work as a choice for a threesome in some limited circumstances. The reality is each one provides their own issues and risks that make choosing them a risky choice. It is this author’s feeling anyone considering a threesome, especially if discretion and privacy is a concern, to look for someone they do not know well.

Having a threesome will add ‘spice’ to the relationship and fix relationship problems such as, stopping my partner / spouse from cheating

Threesomes cannot fix relationship or add spice to a relationship that has become stagnant.  This author feels a threesome can bring issues forward issues that exist in the relationship and weaken a relationship that is struggling. Therefore, this author feels, the best approach is to solve the underling issues and work at developing the relationship before considering a threesome.  Essentially this means a threesome should not be considered as a solution to a relationship issue but as a way to potentially grow the relationship.

During foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ my partner / spouse express a wish to have a threesome

If you partner / spouse express an interest in having a threesome during foreplay or ‘pillow talk’ then it is a good idea to speak to them outside of the bedroom to clarify their feelings. Just because during arousal or in the afterglow they express these feelings, it does not mean the interest continues. Without talking about the idea during the day it is difficult to know their true feelings and acting on such a statement without understanding their feelings may result in problems for the relationship later.

I am not the jealous type and I do not see having a threesome as being a problem

Until a threesome occurs it is impossible to know your reaction. Having a threesome can elicit a roller-coaster of emotions and even though who do not believe they are jealous may feel jealous once they see their partner / spouse having sex with someone else.

I am the jealous type and should not have a threesome

In most cases being jealous will make having a threesome difficult but it does not mean it will be impossible. If it is possible to talk through the feelings before hand, set a signal to let your partner / spouse know you are becoming uncomfortable or if you can view having a threesome being about physical pleasure instead of emotional bonding then it is possible that having a threesome is not out of reach.  However, if jealousy leads to anger, violent reactions, or conflict then it is advisable to work on the issue of jealousy before having a threesome.

Boundaries are not needed since I want my partner / spouse to experience everything

A couple cannot expect every possible scenario for a threesome and their possible reaction. Having boundaries define the limits of a threesome and give a safety-net for the threesome. It allows each participant to understand what behavior is acceptable and the personal limits each person has.  Even though boundaries will not prevent every possible issue from surfacing; it helps the couple to mitigate any potential conflict, build trust, and be pro-active in preventing possible conflict.

Having a threesome is cheating

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome is not cheating provided the boundaries are not intentionally or recklessly violated. This means as long as the couple is agreement and they adhere to their boundaries, then this author feels no cheating has occurred.

I do not want to have a threesome but my partner / spouse does,  I should agree to have a threesome in order to make them happy.

Having a threesome can bring up powerful feelings and can involve a complex web of emotions. Deciding to have threesome to make someone happy may seem like a caring act in order to strengthen a relationship. However must be asked, what about your feelings? If you find you are opposed to a threesome then it is possible it may bring up other feelings (e.g. feeling of losing self in the relationship, your needs not getting met, etc.) these feelings may have an adverse impact on your perception of the threesome and adversely impact your relationship. Therefore it is important to balance your needs against the need to have a threesome for your partner.

If my partner is agreeable then a threesome should happen fairly quickly

Planning and finding someone that is compatible can take time, especially if it is a fmf. The first step in having a threesome is discussing the idea; however, it can take weeks, months, year, or it may never happen. A part of the length is based on the type of threesome being planned, the issues that need resolving, and finding someone who is compatible.

23 thoughts on “Threesome myths

  1. Another excellent posting! This is just one of those relationship/sexual things that sounds good on paper and tends to fail in execution at times. Couples don’t always think this out properly, might believe the hype despite what their common sense may be telling them and, sometimes, fail to fully consider the wild card in this: The third person.

    I do agree that porn, which is ‘art’ trying to imitate and exaggerate life, is responsible for a lot of failed threesome attempts because it makes this look easier than it actually is.

    Keep the good work flowing!

    • Thanks for your support. While I believe there is nothing wrong with legal porn viewed by consenting adults, I feel, like any other art form it focuses on an aspect and that aspect is the physical enjoyment it can bring. Even though there is nothing wrong with that, it does lead couples into believing that it is the type of experience that they can expect.

      Probably a bigger issue is ‘mainstream media’ focusing on the issue. Over the years group sex (e.g. threesomes, wife swapping, etc) was done in secret and in groups of consenting adults (e.g. air force pilots). Now, it is becoming more widespread and as it becomes more a part of cultural practices the media begins to focus on it. My own feeling, they tend to focus on the aspects that drive ratings (e.g. the drama) and such a focus I feel is doing more damage than good. I feel, it makes it difficult for a couple to warm up to the idea because of tantalizing tidbits that the media chooses to focus on instead of trying to provide a balanced view. Until the media stops focusing on the aspects that will drive ratings for them, I feel, group sex practices will remain mostly taboo.

      • The media often does more harm than good. While shining a light on this alternative relationship/sexual lifestyle – which tells people that monogamy ain’t the only solution – they focus on the negatives (1) for ratings because we all love drama on TV and (2) doing their bit to enforce the tenets of monogamy by showing how things can – and portraying that they will – always go wrong.

        But this goes back to what we’ve said about watching porn: It’s ‘art’ trying to imitate life and while it portrays real life situations, it’s not real; it’s really not that easy to do and it doesn’t always catastrophically fail because those of us who are willing to pursue this rather wonderful way to live and love know and learn ways to handle our business without the drama and with few fatal failures.

        Besides, life ain’t scripted, is it?

        • The one aspect the mainstream media ignores is how polyamory is possible and how it can be a functional relationship. I use polyamory as an umbrella term for all relationships that does not fit comfortably under the definition of monogamy. At some point due to increase life expectancy and increase popularity of the practice, I feel the mainstream media is going to need to change its perspective from focusing on the drama of a threesome going wrong to how it work for a married couple.

          • Maybe one day the media will show the alternatives in a fairer light because threesomes can work well; polyamory can work well and even swinging has many good outcomes. Some of us are just more grown up than the society we live in…

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