Heteroflexible another term for bi-curious?


 

Heterosexual-symbol-3D

Heteroflexible a new term for sexual identity or another term for bi-curious?

Recently I came across the term heteroflexible and for those who may not know the term, it means: someone who is heterosexual but has the ability to have a same-sex encounter without developing a relationship with someone of the same-sex. When I read it, it thought this is another way of stating bi-curious or restating someone who is bisexual?

 

As I thought about the term more, I realized, it was also providing an explanation as to why a heterosexual individual could have a same sex encounter in a threesome and then continue their heterosexual lifestyle. I was beginning to think this term actually had some merit and it was not another term in the cornucopia of terms describing threesomes.

 

Then I thought bi-curious means someone who show a curiosity in the same-sex and wishes to explore it. The idea of exploration without identifying as bisexual, I believe, is the hallmark of the term bi-curious and I believe, is also the hallmark of the term heteroflexible.

 

In answer to the question, is heteroflexible another term for bi-curious or is it a new term for sexual identity? I believe, it is another of the infinite terms that describes bi-curious and it does not further contribute to our understanding of sexual identity.

 

 

 

Why do we choose full-swap threesomes?


Dessins de Martin van Maele.

Threesomes and group sex have been around since the beginning of time. During the Dark Ages the liberal attitude towards sex was replaced with a drive towards monogamy. Arguably a part of the drive towards monogamy was ensuring the survival of the human race by limiting the number of females that could be impregnated by the same male. Thereby limiting the effects of genetic mutations in the gene pool and providing an increase in gene pool diversity. That drive to keep monogamous practices continues today and makes the world of non-monogamous practices misunderstood. However during WWII things began to change and by the late 60s threesomes along with other group sex practices began attracting attention. It was not until recently television shows and movies are now willing to tackle the topic of threesomes in a more balanced approached. Threesomes are growing in popularity and it brings up the question why do some people migrate towards threesomes?

Before going on it is important to define full-swap threesome. For this article threesome and full-swap threesome means the same. It means three people come together for enjoying the physical aspects of sex and without the emotional attachments that go with it. This means other practices such as cuckolding, open relationships, and soft-swinging are not included as a part of the discussion.

It is this author’s opinion for couple’s the answer can be summed up in one word, relationship. A couple may see a threesome as a way to cure their relationship by adding ‘spice’ to it and ending the mere existence each feel. By adding ‘spice’ some couples feel they will learn to appreciate each other again and rediscover their reason for loving each other. While others feel by adding some ‘spice’ it will keep their partner monogamous and show their partner that they can be sexually adventurous.

Another reason a couple may migrate towards a threesome is based on power in the relationship. In some relationships the power may be held by one person and they may use it to bring about a threesome through pressure, manipulation, or coercion.  Likewise the person who may not hold the power may suggest it as a way to appease their partner or suggest it as way to validate themselves through another person.

Third reason stems from growing the relationship. This may occur in one of two ways. First way it is something the couple may want to do as a way to explore their boundaries.  Essentially, wanting a threesome comes from an organic growth within the relationship whereby trust and communication flourish. Such conditions may lead some couples to push the limits of their relationship to explore other possibility while feeling secure in their relationship. If done successfully it may bring a couple closer together.

Second possible reason, it may be a strategy to strengthen the relationship the long-term by allowing the occasional threesome. Such a strategy allows the couple to invite a third person to enjoy while keeping their relationship intact. In this situation the relationship is maintained by sharing something together.

This brings the author to the side other of the discussion, the single person. For the single person, especially a man, unless their partner is into having a threesome then maintaining a relationship while having a threesome does not typically work. This means there may be other reasons such as the ability to have sex without the issues that goes along with having a relationship. While for others it could be fulfilling a fantasy or being able to have intimacy with individuals of both genders. Moreover this can mean a single person migrates towards having a threesome because it fulfills some need in their life.

When the couple meets the single person it means they are approaching the threesome from two different perspectives, relationship versus need. By having two different perspectives it means information can be lost and misunderstanding can occur. If the threesome will happen then both need to find a common ground in order to meet their competing needs.

Lastly, I am interested in knowing your feelings why people choose full-swap threesomes? Maybe you have ideas as to why threesomes appear being more mainstream?

Understanding the basic difference between wife swapping and threesome


One of the illustrations of Gamiani, or Two Ni...

 

Deciding to have a group sex experience is a lot being an older child in a toy store. Being older the toy store is still exciting and you want to explore everything. However, at this age there is a realization that some toys are not appropriate for you and other toys you have no interest. So, choosing involves an elimination process that ultimately results in you buying a toy that meets your needs. Choosing between having a threesome or a wife swapping experience involves the same type of elimination process in order to find the group situation that meets your needs as a couple.

 

The starting point for each type of group sex experience starts out the same. Both involve having the initial discussion, setting boundaries, and spending time getting to know each other. Then as everyone begins knowing each other the decision is made, either have the experience or remain being friends. However the difference lies in the dynamics each presents.

 

Wife-swapping, or sometimes known as a foursome, typically involves two couples that have an open swap or a closed swap. An open swap means sex occurs in the same room. This can be a combination of all four interacting with each other or some form of pairing off occurring in the room. When the word foursome or wife-swapping is mentioned open swap is typically the image that is generated.

 

Open swap provides each couple a chance to still be with each other, provides a level of safety, and to say something if they become uncomfortable with situation. Also an open swap allows for the possibility several different sexual activities to occur including bisexual activity and voyeur activity too. Finally it allows each couple to remain together.

 

Whereas a closed swap means there is some type of pairing off and sex occurs in different rooms. This tends to border more on an open relationship, especially if the foursome is ongoing. Also, in this author’s opinion, it means a high-level of trust, communication, and respect must exist.

 

In comparison a full-swap threesome will involve the couple and the invited third person being in the same room.  For the couple it is about sharing the experience and being a team. Likewise for the invited third person it is having the experience.

 

The question arises, what is the best choice for a couple looking to have their first group sex experience? Answer comes down to what the couple wants and what they feel is in their best interest. A threesome, from a relationship dynamic standpoint, is easier due to less people involved and less communication that needs to occur. This means, in theory, it is easier to manage. Also, if it is a mfm threesome then it is most likely easier to arrange and will take to less time to arrange.

 

In contrast, an open swap foursome offers more variations than a full-swap threesome. Though, it can be more emotionally intense since there are more people involved. However, it can take longer to meet a compatible couple. Whereas a closed swap is in contrast to a threesome or an open swap since sex between the paired off couples occurs in different rooms, quite possibly different locations (e.g. different hotel rooms). This means there is a loss of variety but it does open up the opportunity to be less inhibited due to your partner not being in the same room. Also it means having sex can be more intimate and a chance to do some exploring.  Finally in a closed swap it means the experience becomes less of a team experience and more of an individual experience.

 

This means in answer to the question, the couple needs to make several determinations for themselves such as team experience versus individual and variety versus intimate. Only be exploring their needs on an individual and exploring their needs on a couple’s basis will they be able to determine which experience will fit them the best.

 

 

 

Introduction to threesome communication


Symbol Table for Non Verbal communication with...

What is communication? To answer that question, books, training seminars, and college degrees have been developed around this topic. It is both impractical for this author to go into great depth regarding communication, discuss Neuro-lingustic Programming (NLP) and communication in a threesome situation. Instead, this author will provide an overview of communication in an effort to give couples and those interested in having a threesome a brief understanding of the issues involved.

Communication has two components to it, verbal and non-verbal. Verbal component composes of word choice and their context. The verbal message in communication compromises a small percentage of the total message communicated, less than 30%. For the communicator it is important that the message be concise, understood by the person to whom the message is being communicated, and that the message cannot be confused for another message. Understanding the message requires a similar frame of reference and experiences. This means the person communicating needs to consider the person, their background, and how they may perceive the message.

The remaining 70% + of communication is non verbal. Non verbal communication comprises factors such as body language (posture, changes in position, facial expressions, and body movements), eye contact, environmental factors, and tone of voice. Body language varies a lot by culture and can be easy misunderstood if the message is being communicated to someone who comes from a different culture. If a person is in agreement with your statements generally they will have a similar type of body language to you. However if they are in disagreement they will communicate this non-verbally such as a change in posture, change in positioning, or changes in language. As you speak and listen it is important that you watch for subtle changes to indicate changes in attitude.

Eye contact, especially in the Western World, is very much an indicator of attitude. If eye contact is dropped it could indicate a lie, submissiveness, someone lacking confidence or someone who is introverted. Change in eye contact is a very subtle but very important indication of a person’s feelings. For anyone trying to get agreement on an issue that they have raised it is very important that they make eye contact and watch for changes in contact from the person with whom they are speaking.

Next to body language environmental factors have a strong influence on how the message is interpreted and received. Environment factors include the temperature of the room, how the room is laid out, the size of the room, noise, the color of the room, and any distractions. The environment communicates a lot in regards to the importance of the message, the position of the position including their belief on the issue, and how receptive they are to your response. Choosing the right location can have a demonstrative effect on if your message is acceptable or not.

Finally tone of voice is another influence on the message. Much can be said about how diction is used in a message and it how a message is perceived has more to do with the voice tone than the actual words selected. If you are unsure about the power of voice tone try saying, “I Love You” using a very harsh negative tone and then trying saying “Gee you smell” using a very happy excited tone. What have you noticed? Hopefully tone has an influence on the overall message.

What does this all mean for having a threesome? Body language will indicate:

  • a person’s level of comfort with a discussion
  • if they are listening to you.
  • there interest in having a threesome
  • if you are moving to fast / too slow
  • level of comfort
  • if they are in agreement / disagreement

Furthermore, understanding body language can help indicate if the person is enjoying something, if they are trying to hide something, or if they are not comfortable. Likewise verbal communication will indicate attitude about the subject. The trick is being able to understand both the verbal and non-verbal communication. If you are able to understand both then it will help with such issues as choosing the third person, knowing how to discuss the subject with your significant other, and knowing what is being said is being understood.

It is also important to understand environmental factors such as smell, temperature, mood, room layout, and other environmental factors can influence a person’s perception. This means when planning a threesome and planning to meet environmental factors need to be taken into consideration.

Finally remember a message has many components that need to be deciphered by the people who are communicating and it is easy that the message is misunderstood. Learning to understand, verbal and non-verbal, communication takes a lot of work and it is something that cannot be immediately learned. A lot of learning about communication comes from observing, practising, and learning from mistakes. The more thought and effort that goes into planning the message the more likely that it would be understood. Taking the time to plan your message and checking for understanding will help to reduce the chance that it will be misunderstood.

Reconnecting after a threesome


Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

The threesome just ended and you are feeling thrilled that you survived without stopping it and without feeling crushed. In a way you feel as though you have just joined an exclusive club and you feel proud that you have earned your membership key. Later, as you begin to come down from your ‘adrenaline high’ the scenes of the threesome begin to replay in your mind; some of those scenes begin eliciting feelings and you wonder if you can ever feel the same about your partner again. Scene after scene continue to play and you begin to feel distant from your partner, what are you to do?

Reality is the above scenario does not always occur. It can feel couples who may have rushed it, who may have not fully discussed having a threesome, or may have been unprepared for the feelings having a threesome can elicit. The answer, this author feels, lies in finding a way to reconnect with your partner. Reconnecting is the way of restabilising the bond shared between the two of you and not allowing feelings about the threesome or the invited third person impact your relationship.

Starting point understanding memories and how they can influence your feelings. Reality is memories are not photographic snapshots that remain with us unchanged. A memory is influenced by time, by feelings, perspectives, and where our attention is focused, for example. It is also influenced by questions we are asked, our relationship with that person asking the question, and our feelings at the time. This means memories can be influenced and it means we cannot recall an event with great accuracy. A good example of this is a crime being witnessed by several people who give different accounts of the same scene. More specifically, it means after a threesome our perception of what occurred and our feelings towards it is influenced by many events including time.

Now, take into account your own person views about threesomes before having it, your viewpoint about threesomes after it occurs, your religious view, your views about relationships, your feelings about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else and your feelings about the third person. When you take into account the above views with your memory of the situation it is easy to understand how your view of events transpired. Therefore it is important remembering how react in the hours and days after threesome based on our memories of it will impact us.

In this author’s opinion, the next step is accepting the threesome occurred and that it was a mutually agreed event. Thereby preventing any blaming your partner for wanting the threesome and you were innocently going along to please them or you went along to prevent them from cheating.

The third step is finding some time when the two of you can be alone. Ideally, the sooner this occurs after the threesome the better, this author feels. Avoiding your partner after a threesome is not productive and it leads to, this author feels a weakening of the relationship occurs through lack of communication. Furthermore finding time when the two of you are alone gives both of you the chance to discuss anything that might pose a problem or causing hurt feelings. It also gives both of you a chance to connect again.

Connecting, when the two of you are alone, involves the process of moving from the threesome and continuing with your relationship. This could mean going out together, sharing an activity together other than sex, or it could mean spending quiet time snuggling in front of the television watching a movie together. It also means finding a way for your partner to feel comfortable with what occurred. For this to occur it might mean being supportive, being positive, talking instead of arguing, and find a way to move the relationship forward. Likewise for you it means finding a way to be comfortable with the the threesome that occurred. Moreover it means not letting any negative feelings from the threesome adversely influence the way the two of you relate to each other. Whatever the two of you do together, it means taking the time to rebuild and strengthen the bonds that you share.

Final step, is deciding what your next step about having a threesome and exploring other sexual practices. At this stage the decision is made, at least for the near future, if another threesome will occur or if as a couple, you will

Questions for a couple to ask the third person


English: A schematic showing the polygamy rela...How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?

After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?

In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1)  What type of work do you do?

2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) What type of threesome?

b) Was it a positive experience for you?

c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?

d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?

3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?

4) Do you practice safe-sex?

5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:

1) Can we meet them?

2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?

3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?

b)  How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?

6) What are your boundaries?

a) What do you like?

b) What do you not like?

c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?

7)   What is your preferred position to have sex?

8)  Other than alcohol or drugs, what can we do to help you to relax?

9)  What is your expectation of us?

10) Any questions for us?

Couple’s Cuckolding and the ‘what’ scenario


Heterosexual-flag-idea

Couple’s Cuckolding another form of cuckolding

Has the question, what it will be like to have sex with the guy in accounting ever cross your mind? Maybe what would it be like to have sex with someone else? These are typical questions ever individual fantasizes about and considers. However, if you are in a relationship  then you know know such experience can be kept as a fantasy but if it became reality then it could have dire consequences. How would you feel, if there is a way to potentially keep your relationship and live out a fantasy?

Such experiences are not forbidden if done with your partner’s consent and cuckolding might be your solution. Cuckolding is primarily thought of as a form of BDSM involving domination / submission with humiliation as a part of practice.  It typically involves the female half of the couple having sex with someone, typically male who is called a bull, with the knowledge and consent of her partner.  In this type of practice sex is either withheld from the submissive male or it is quite limited. The other form of cuckolding, in which the BDSM elements are not present, appears to be less common and in some ways it can be thought of as answer the question what. For this article, this type of cuckolding will be termed the couple’s cuckold since each member of the couple has an equal a voice in it.

How does this type of cuckolding exhibit itself? It can be the wife wanting to have sex with someone else because she married early and did not have sexual experience before meeting her husband.  Also, it could a threesome that has developed and the invited third person wants to have sex with the female half of the couple alone. It may be the husband / boyfriend wanting his partner to have sex with someone else. Finally it could be female wanting to have sex with an ex or a co-worker. Whatever the scenario, there seems to be two underlying activities that occur. The first is once the woman returns sex with her partner occurs, almost immediately and there is some sharing of the experience with her partner.  These two activities help differentiate it from the more common form of cuckolding.

This brings up the question, how do you approach the idea with your partner? Ideally the couple should have had at least one threesome before trying this and the reason for  this, without a least one threesome experience the couple cannot appreciate the complex dynamics that exist in this type of scenario thereby potentially missing crucial information that will help them decide if this route is the best choice for them. Even without a threesome experience the couple may have a successful experience if it done on a limited basis and opinions are respected.

To begin with not every man is open to the idea and he may be someone that will not accept such a scenario. However, trying to suggest the idea as a part of foreplay or as a part of ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of sex might be a good starting point. At this point the goal is suggesting the idea when the chance of resistance is low and the chance they might find the idea arousing is greater. Also at this point any acceptance of the idea should not be seen as consent since they might change his mind outside of the ‘bedroom.’ This author feels the way to start the conversation is by talking about the idea in very vague terms, such as, ‘how would feel if I wanted to fuck another guy and then come home to fuck you?’ Maybe during foreplay try talking about another guy fucking you and how much the thought turns you on. Then if they are willing to consider the idea, try becoming more specific and begin having the conversations outside of the bedroom.

Once the idea moves from the bedroom to discussion during the day, the conversation turns from erotic bedroom fun to discussing the particulars of the cuckold.  After the idea is discussed outside of the bedroom, do not be surprised his attitude may change and you may find there is resistance to it. This is typically called ‘double message’ and it may be a sign that intellectually he is for the idea though emotionally they are struggling with it. At this point, this author recommends, putting the idea to rest and reproaching it in another year while you work on strengthening your relationship with him.

As soon as you are able to discuss the idea the boundaries are different than a threesome where both of you are present. In this type of situation a lot depends on trust and having boundaries that work. Typical boundaries you may want to consider includes:

  • maximum number of encounters with the same person
  • length of time you are with him at any one time
  • acceptable activities
  • safe-sex practices including where the other male can cum
  • personal, physical, and emotional safety
  • how much of the activity will be discussed afterwards
  • priority for this type of experience
  • If he is to meet the other male
  • If he is to have input or veto on your selection of your chosen male.
  • How to contact you if needed and how you will contact him if something happens.

Essentially this means more communication needs to occur, it needs to be more detailed, and any agreed boundaries must be boundaries both of you are willing to adhere to in order to allow trust to flourish. It also, means talking about feelings openly and listening to what the other has to say. Without communicating about the planned cuckold and taking steps to minimize any damage from it, the couple is taking a big risk with their relationship.

Nonetheless, if it is done right this type of experience can be quite enthralling for the couple and it produce a very intense sexual experience for the couple, something they have never experienced. Based on this author’s experience it is a sexual experience that far exceeds that of having a threesome but at the same time it is a very unnerving experience due to the dynamics of the experience. However if it is done wrong it can have very devastating consequences for the couple.  Ideally this is something that should be done for a limited time with the same person and should be done on a very intermittent basis for the couple. Otherwise the couple may begin to loose control of the situation.

Finally this type of experience is a possibly ideal situation for a couple wanting to answer the question of what will it be like if…? However, before embarking on the experience the couple needs to discuss the idea and set boundaries. Without communicating about the experience and accepting that it can be potentially destructive to their relationship is undertaking a risk that they should not. Moreover, if a couple can plan it correctly and limit the number of times they have the experience, then the experience can be an incredible experience that they look back with fond memories.