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Threesome stages

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Threesome clothes pins

Introduction

The purpose of this article is providing some guidance regarding the progression that the discussion about a threesome can occur. It is not a definitive guide and is only meant as a basic resource. Also this guide meant to be a basic resource documenting the threesome process between couples. It is important to note not all couples will go through all stages, some may go through them faster and some may go through them in a different order. Finally by using this guide it can help a couple determine where they are at in the threesome process and if they feel they have missed a stage then it might be a sign they have omitted something that needs to happen. If a couple feels they have missed something then it could indicate a potential problem might occur and before proceeding to have a threesome then the couple should determine what else needs to occur before the threesome happens.

1) Pre-Planning

Pre-meeting is the point at which the idea of having a threesome remains aloof and abstract. It is the point where the couple explores the idea with no formal contact is made with a potential third person.

Fantasy Exploration

At this stage the idea of having a threesome is theoretical and abstract. This means the idea is explored globally in a non-threatening way, such as sharing a fantasy during foreplay and the specifics about having a threesome evades the couple. Below are two possible strategies employed to test the idea of having a threesome is seen as something that will happen in the distant future. Essentially this stage is where the couple tries getting comfortable enough with the idea by exploring the idea as a theoretical idea before moving to discuss the idea as a possibility.

Foreplay / Bedroom

This is where the idea can be informally introduced as a part of “pillow talk” or introduced as a part of foreplay.  Introducing the idea of having a threesome through foreplay or “pillow-talk” does not always happen first and sometimes it might happen later in the process. The purpose here, this author feels, is to gage their partner’s reaction to the idea and present it in a non-threatening way.  Furthermore this stage differs from using fantasy as a role-playing tool since the idea of having a threesome is still foreign to the couple and the fantasy is very intangible that is missing a lot of the elements that are required for role-playing.

At this point, it is impossible to plan a threesome since the discussions is about the fantasy of having a threesome rather than the reality of it thereby being impossible to know what each person feels about the idea of having a threesome.

Discretely Testing the Idea

The idea maybe tested before talking about the idea. Typically this could involve talking about topics relating to threesomes such as cheating, what makes a relationship last, or media topics relating to threesomes. Alternatively this may show up in other ways such as watching threesome porn or talking about celebrities or people they find attractive. This approach is very broad gauge that may not always be accurate, about general attitudes towards threesomes and how their partner might respond to the suggestion of having a threesome.

2) Planning

Up until now the idea of having a threesome remained abstract and theoretical. During this stage the idea begins moving from being something intangible to something more tangible. Planning means, initial steps are taken planning the threesome and if this stage is successful then steps are taken to find a third person. Normally the planning stage will occur first and once enough discussion has occurred here and an understanding regarding the structure of the threesome is agreed then meeting the third person occurs. Once the couple meets the third person this stage then occurs simultaneously with the meeting stage, as the couple further review, modifies, and make any changes to their initial plan.

Initial Discussion

There is some indication, either through fantasy exploration or desire to have a threesome that a conversation regarding having a threesome occurs outside of the bedroom. At this stage, the idea of having a threesome becomes tangible. Discussing what it might like to have a threesome, the potential impact, and issues may occur on a global scale. However the specifics of the threesome, the timing of it, and if it is going to happen still remain somewhat intangible. Many couples do not get beyond this stage due to personal beliefs or the threesome being proposed is not the type of threesome they want; however those who can get beyond this stage will begin further discussions regarding having a threesome.

Further Discussions

This may occur shortly after the initial discussion or a significant time after the initial discussion. These discussions regard more specific aspects of having a threesome, such as boundaries, the type of person to invite, and where to have it. The timing of this stage may take anywhere from a very short amount of time to a few years to complete.

Simulating / Testing the Idea

This is an optional stage where the couple may find ways of getting comfortable with the idea of having a threesome or understanding how they might react. At this stage the couple may try role playing the idea, going to a lap dance club, posting photos on the internet, or other ways of testing their level of comfort with the idea. In many ways this optional stage is meant to give the couple an opportunity to take “baby steps” towards having a threesome. It does not mean they will have one but it serves as a way of preparing to have one.

Search

At this point enough communication has occurred that indicates there is an interest in having a threesome either by agreement to begin the search or behavior indicating an interest exists. Once searching begins it is usually done in conjunction with the further discussion stage to ensure the threesome is being handled correctly.

3) Meeting

At this stage, based on the couple’s discussion during the planning phase, the couple has begun searching for a third person to join them in a threesome.

Initial Contact

Depending on the strategy used the initial contact can be either via email or in person.  During this stage the couple and the third person discover more about each other.

Meeting the Third Person (Optional)

If the initial conversations occurred via email then a meeting is arranged. All three meet and if the agreement is made there is enough common interest for a threesome to occur then it will occur. The threesome might occur immediately after or it might occur shortly thereafter if the meeting was a meet and greet.

4) Threesome

At this stage the threesome occurs as planned

5) Post Threesome

Debriefing

Couple talks through the threesome and finds a way to reconnect afterwards. This does not necessarily need to be a long drawn out process and can be done fairly quickly.

Next Steps

After the threesome has occurred the couple decides if they will continue with having another threesome of if they are going to take a break.

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MFM questions for a couple

Posted in Questions, Threesome opinions, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Drawing by Francesco Hayez. Español: Dibujo de...Potential questions for a single male to ask a couple

The power of a mfm threesome relationship resides with the couple, since they have a choice of many men they can invite. This means they can reject the male they are communicating with and choose another.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Reality is asking questions ensures the single male the couple is a good fit for them, it shows the couple he respects their relationship, and by asking the appropriate questions will reduce the chance the single male will be a part of any relationship drama.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the couple. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the single male regarding questions to ask the couple and couples an idea of the information they should be communicating to the single male. The questions are listed from easier questions to ask, from this author’s perspective, to asking the socially difficult questions.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1) Have you had a threesome before? IF the couple states ‘Yes’  then follow-up with

a.   If so, how did each you feel about it?

b.  How did it impact your relationship?

2)  What is the reason for the two of you wanting this threesome?

3)  How did the two of you reach the decision to have a threesome?

4)  What are your boundaries? IF the answer is we have ‘none’ or it is vague then asks as a follow-up?

a.  Is kissing acceptable?

b.  Is anal sex a possibility?

c.  Will you be performing oral sex?

d.  Can I ejaculate in your mouth?

e.  Bareback or condom?

f. Feelings on male on male activity?

g. Any other questions in order to define acceptable boundaries

5)  Where do you want me to cum?

6)  Will your partner be participating or watching?

7)  Will this be a one-off or are you looking at meeting again? Alternatively you can ask, “would bringing in another girl in the future be on the table?”

8)  What do you not like?

9) What do you enjoy?

If the answer is vague or ‘anything’ then potential follow-up questions, provided they it is something that they have not stated    they do not like in the previous question.

a.  Do you enjoy being fingered?

b.  Anus being played with?

c.  Being eaten out?

d.  Do you enjoy your nipples being sucked?

e.  What positions do you enjoy

f.  DP

10) Who do you want to have sex with first?

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Fantasy verus reality of having a threesome: Part 4 – the myth of dating

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning by

Relationship between A B C

Heart is racing, mind is going racing about future meetings, and still on the adrenaline high from having a successful threesome. There is a belief that since it work it is something that can be enduring and thoughts about the next encounter begin forming almost like a first date.

There are some who may equate having a threesome with dating due to the similarities such as the anxiety about the first meet, need for communication and of course sex. The reality is there is a difference. A full-swap or soft-swing threesome is about physical pleasure. Whereas dating is about finding someone for the long-term. This means a fundamental difference between having a threesome and dating exists, the need for a relationship.

Another fundamental difference between dating and having a threesome exists. Since the primary purpose of soft-swinging or full-swap threesome is about physical pleasure it means forming a relationship is not a core necessity and it most likely mean only enough information is collected in order to decide if a threesome should occur. Also it means since the focus is on pleasure and not relationship formation most threesome relationships do not last beyond a few encounters unless the purpose is some form of open relationship.

So, why define relationship? This author feels, it is important to understand the term and what investment is needed in order to make the type of threesome work. Relationship is a word that takes on multiple meanings and is difficult to define. In a threesome situation the word is used in three different contexts. The first context is in regards to developing enough of a relationship that sex can occur. This is quite similar to a working relationship where a relationship is needed so that the necessary work can occur, it needs to be maintained so that any future work will go smoothly, and finally it is a relationship that needs to be developed quickly. In this context relationship is formed regardless of feelings, regardless of friendship, and it is formed due to a common objective that is being sought.

Second context is the more common usage of the word relationship it refers to a friendship or deeper relationship based on shared common feelings for one another. Typically friendships are formed for the long-term and are meant to be lasting. In this usage of the term the formation of feelings serves a common objective for the formation of a long-term relationship. Feelings are not necessarily sexual, they are not necessary unfathomable but serve as the glue that binds the individuals in their common objective. This means for a threesome where the focus is on pleasure allowing feelings to develop can upset the equilibrium that exists and cause problems for the couple’s relationship. In order to mitigate the risk of feelings limiting the number of encounters with the same person or developing a network of friends for threesomes becomes paramount.

Third context, regards long-term threesomes, such as cuckolding and typically two additional words are used primary and secondary relationships. Primary relationship is the couple’s relationship and the secondary relationship is the relationship formed with sexual partners outside of the relationship. Typically this type of relationship shows varying degrees of both definitions.

For a threesome that is not meant be long-term to be successful the relationship needs to similar to the first definition and it is akin to a friend with benefits relationship. This means that taking time to develop a friendship, a deep understanding of each other, and going through the lengthy dating ritual is not necessary. Instead it means the time needed to get to know each other should be done during the initial stages and only to the depth necessary to make a decision regarding if the third person meets the couple’s requirements. Once the couple has made their decision the relationship only needs to be maintained long enough for threesome to occur.

If at some time the short-term threesome relationship moves to where feelings begin to develop then the threesome needs to end. Each person in a threesome situation is responsible for their feelings and responsible for what is communicated. Should feelings begin to develop this need to be discussed and ending the threesome needs to immediately happen. There are many reasons for ending it but in essence it is done to preserve the marital relationship. The maintaining the marital relationship takes precedence over any other reason. Plus the threesome has moved away from its primary objective and if left to continue will prove to be destructive for all involved.

Once the current threesome relationship has ended the couple needs to take a break and work through what happened. After understanding how feelings began to develop for the third person the couple needs to update their boundaries in an effort to guarantee that this does not happen again.

Below are a few additional suggestions to minimize the chance a threesome relationship begins creating feelings for the third person:

  • Find more than one playmate
  • Avoid exclusive relationships
  • Limit the number of times you play with the same person to either one off situation or a few limited times
  • Keep the time between playing with the same person long (e.g. every three or six months)
  • Maintain only necessary communication with the  third person
  • Do not incorporate the third person into non-sexual activities (e.g. picnic, movies, etc)
  • Make sure both of you agree on the person and do not take one for the team
  • Make sure your relationship is stable, you are not going through a major life event, or just finished going through a major life event.
  • Take time to build up your relationship
  • Avoid using friends, co-workers, or anyone you have a high degree of familiarity.
  • Debrief afterwards
  • Talk about feelings and potential scenarios that might lead to this situation. Once you have talked about it find ways to minimize it.
  • Communicate to the third person your boundaries
  • Communicate to the third person their role and that at the end of the night the two of you will be leaving as a couple.
  • Address any misconceptions that the third person may have about the threesome before it happens

If a threesome is to occur it is important that the couple defines what type of threesome they are desiring along with the emotional involvement with the third person. Without discussing this and communicating to the third person the couple may evolve their threesome experience into something that may do more harm than good. It is therefore important to understand than threesome are more about pleasure than relationships. By understanding that it is a first-step in having an enjoyable threesome.

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Couple’s Cuckolding and the ‘what’ scenario

Posted in Cuckolding, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Heterosexual-flag-idea

Couple’s Cuckolding another form of cuckolding

Has the question, what it will be like to have sex with the guy in accounting ever cross your mind? Maybe what would it be like to have sex with someone else? These are typical questions ever individual fantasizes about and considers. However, if you are in a relationship  then you know know such experience can be kept as a fantasy but if it became reality then it could have dire consequences. How would you feel, if there is a way to potentially keep your relationship and live out a fantasy?

Such experiences are not forbidden if done with your partner’s consent and cuckolding might be your solution. Cuckolding is primarily thought of as a form of BDSM involving domination / submission with humiliation as a part of practice.  It typically involves the female half of the couple having sex with someone, typically male who is called a bull, with the knowledge and consent of her partner.  In this type of practice sex is either withheld from the submissive male or it is quite limited. The other form of cuckolding, in which the BDSM elements are not present, appears to be less common and in some ways it can be thought of as answer the question what. For this article, this type of cuckolding will be termed the couple’s cuckold since each member of the couple has an equal a voice in it.

How does this type of cuckolding exhibit itself? It can be the wife wanting to have sex with someone else because she married early and did not have sexual experience before meeting her husband.  Also, it could a threesome that has developed and the invited third person wants to have sex with the female half of the couple alone. It may be the husband / boyfriend wanting his partner to have sex with someone else. Finally it could be female wanting to have sex with an ex or a co-worker. Whatever the scenario, there seems to be two underlying activities that occur. The first is once the woman returns sex with her partner occurs, almost immediately and there is some sharing of the experience with her partner.  These two activities help differentiate it from the more common form of cuckolding.

This brings up the question, how do you approach the idea with your partner? Ideally the couple should have had at least one threesome before trying this and the reason for  this, without a least one threesome experience the couple cannot appreciate the complex dynamics that exist in this type of scenario thereby potentially missing crucial information that will help them decide if this route is the best choice for them. Even without a threesome experience the couple may have a successful experience if it done on a limited basis and opinions are respected.

To begin with not every man is open to the idea and he may be someone that will not accept such a scenario. However, trying to suggest the idea as a part of foreplay or as a part of ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of sex might be a good starting point. At this point the goal is suggesting the idea when the chance of resistance is low and the chance they might find the idea arousing is greater. Also at this point any acceptance of the idea should not be seen as consent since they might change his mind outside of the ‘bedroom.’ This author feels the way to start the conversation is by talking about the idea in very vague terms, such as, ‘how would feel if I wanted to fuck another guy and then come home to fuck you?’ Maybe during foreplay try talking about another guy fucking you and how much the thought turns you on. Then if they are willing to consider the idea, try becoming more specific and begin having the conversations outside of the bedroom.

Once the idea moves from the bedroom to discussion during the day, the conversation turns from erotic bedroom fun to discussing the particulars of the cuckold.  After the idea is discussed outside of the bedroom, do not be surprised his attitude may change and you may find there is resistance to it. This is typically called ‘double message’ and it may be a sign that intellectually he is for the idea though emotionally they are struggling with it. At this point, this author recommends, putting the idea to rest and reproaching it in another year while you work on strengthening your relationship with him.

As soon as you are able to discuss the idea the boundaries are different than a threesome where both of you are present. In this type of situation a lot depends on trust and having boundaries that work. Typical boundaries you may want to consider includes:

  • maximum number of encounters with the same person
  • length of time you are with him at any one time
  • acceptable activities
  • safe-sex practices including where the other male can cum
  • personal, physical, and emotional safety
  • how much of the activity will be discussed afterwards
  • priority for this type of experience
  • If he is to meet the other male
  • If he is to have input or veto on your selection of your chosen male.
  • How to contact you if needed and how you will contact him if something happens.

Essentially this means more communication needs to occur, it needs to be more detailed, and any agreed boundaries must be boundaries both of you are willing to adhere to in order to allow trust to flourish. It also, means talking about feelings openly and listening to what the other has to say. Without communicating about the planned cuckold and taking steps to minimize any damage from it, the couple is taking a big risk with their relationship.

Nonetheless, if it is done right this type of experience can be quite enthralling for the couple and it produce a very intense sexual experience for the couple, something they have never experienced. Based on this author’s experience it is a sexual experience that far exceeds that of having a threesome but at the same time it is a very unnerving experience due to the dynamics of the experience. However if it is done wrong it can have very devastating consequences for the couple.  Ideally this is something that should be done for a limited time with the same person and should be done on a very intermittent basis for the couple. Otherwise the couple may begin to loose control of the situation.

Finally this type of experience is a possibly ideal situation for a couple wanting to answer the question of what will it be like if…? However, before embarking on the experience the couple needs to discuss the idea and set boundaries. Without communicating about the experience and accepting that it can be potentially destructive to their relationship is undertaking a risk that they should not. Moreover, if a couple can plan it correctly and limit the number of times they have the experience, then the experience can be an incredible experience that they look back with fond memories.

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Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Mary Street

Introduction

It is Wednesday and excitement is building to the weekend when the threesome is will be happening. Every free moment ideas run rampant about what it is going to be like and what is going to happen. Discussions continue and refinements are made to the boundaries. Then finally it happens and everything about it is wonderful. At this point, it seems to be a perfectly executed threesome. Shortly after the thrill of the threesome begins wearing off, feelings begin to happen. Feelings of guilt, cheating / being cheated on, and remorse begin to take over. What happened? Why are these feelings happening? There are many possible answers to this question and to explore this topic in great detail will require a book. However, this author will briefly explore and provide their opinion on some of the more common reasons.

Social & Religious messaging about relationships

Western society programs its citizens from an early age, loving relationships involve two people and a sexual practice where another is invited into the relationship is deviant.  For many this messaging becomes a cornerstone on which our belief about relationships and partner selection is based.  Furthermore there are very limited role models that are open about alternative sexual practices and it leaves many who have an interest in the practice feeling participating in an activity like a threesome is in some how wrong. This can mean for some people, the idea of having a threesome remains abstract until it happens and once it does, it can trigger feelings that it is wrong because it is not socially or religiously accepted.

Impulsivity / Lack of Communication

Impulsivity in this blog takes on a slightly different meaning then its dictionary meaning. It means rushing to have a threesome without taking time to consider the idea, establish boundaries, and debrief afterwards.  Taking the necessary steps to have a threesome is vital. It allows for a discussion of the idea, a discussion of feelings, and it allows for the establishment of a safety net whereby each participant knows the limit of the planned threesome. Without taking the time to plan the threesome, important points will be missed. It is this author’s feeling negative feeling about having a threesome after it happens may mean the threesome went beyond a personal comfort level because of the lack of boundaries.  It could also mean debriefing, talking about the threesome and feelings, did not occur or it could mean since limited discussion occurred important points about the threesome where missed. Essentially the negative feeling under this heading is due to a lack of communication regarding having a threesome.

Communication

Unlike the above heading communication does occur. However in this circumstance the issue results from the wrong type of communication occurring, meaning necessary topics were not being discussed or not being discussed to the extent they should. The other problem with communication is the lack of understanding of what is being discussed. This could mean assumptions were being made, everyone had a different idea, or the topic was not clear. Essentially miscommunication was occurring.

Choosing the Third Person

Choosing the third person is vital to the success of a threesome, this author feels. Instead of taking the time to screen the individual and taking the time to ensure they fit; instead the couple opts for them because of their convenience.  Typical choice that is made based convenience maybe a friend, co-worker, or ex-lover. These choices, along with other possible choices, may mean there are some feelings and a relationship. By selecting someone where there is a relationship and at some level feelings, can lead to a conflict of feelings. The conflict arises from having sex with them and the history that exists. This means choosing the third person can have an impact on feelings afterwards.

Environment

Environment means where the threesome occurred, how it occurred, and the interaction of various components that makes up the threesome. This can be anything that can trigger feelings of cheating, such as visiting a cheap hotel in order to protect privacy, to getting drunk  and / or high to have the threesome.

The Individual

Unlike the reasons discussed in this blog that can trigger the feeling, this reason implies the individual has control over how feel and choose to respond to the feeling.

This author believes we are responsible for how we choose to feel about a situation. We can choose to have a threesome and then choose how we feel about it. For example Mary & George, a fictitious couple, choose to have a two female threesome and decide to define cheating as an intentional or reckless disregard for their agreed boundaries. Mary decides to have her first woman on woman experience, which is within their agreed boundaries. To her surprise she enjoyed it and found afterwards it created a flurry of emotions for her, including feeling as though she cheated. Mary has two choices.  She can choose to allow her feelings to dominate her thoughts and allow them to impact how she responds. Alternatively Mary can choose to accept, as a couple who defined cheating she did not cheat, and choose view the experience as an enjoyable experience that taught her something about herself.

Conclusion

What causes negative feelings, such as feeling as though you have cheated after a threesome? The answer can be quite complex that is dependent on the individual, the threesome, and their environment. Most likely a definitive answer cannot be given and the best that could be done is having the individual consider changing the way they view the event. Without having a positive view of the experience and talking about it afterwards, it is likely negative feelings will develop.

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Having the initial discussion

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Deveria16Bringing up the idea of having a threesome

How do I bring up the idea of having a threesome? What do I need to discuss when I bring up the idea? If my partner says “no,” how do I convince them to have a threesome? These are all common questions when considering bringing up the idea of having a threesome and this article will explore beginning the discussion of having a threesome.

To begin with, there is no way you can convince your partner / spouse to have a threesome. The best you can do is communicate you are open to the idea, communicate the boundaries for the experience, and you will support your partner / spouse if this agree to explore the idea.

So how do you bring up the idea? This is author feels there is only one way to bring up the idea, it is by being direct about the idea outside of the bedroom and done when nothing sexual is occurring. Being direct means not using euphemisms, not using innuendos, and not alluding to the idea. It means speaking confidently about the idea and being able to articulate the type of threesome you want. Being able to do this means, taking the time to consider the idea and feeling secure in the decision. Also it means not pressuring your partner into having a threesome and listening to their concerns. Finally it means understanding your partner well enough to know how to approach them and how to discuss the idea with them.

How do become confident enough to discuss it? A part of it involves being someone who is confident and without being confident then your partner is less likely to feel confident it is the right decision for them. Another part involves understanding the type of threesome you are wanting. Without understanding the type of threesome you are wanting, the risks, and without understanding what a threesome may mean for your relationship then it is unlikely an open discussion about having a threesome can occur.

This brings up the question, what happens if you feel confident about discussing the idea but your partner resists the idea? If you feel your partner will discuss the idea with you then there are two routes to consider. First route is taking small incremental steps, outside of the bedroom, in discussing the idea. There are many ways to do this such as asking about people your partner finds attractive, talking about subjects that indirectly relate to a threesome, or talking about their beliefs about relationships. Then begin building on the discussions. The advantage to this approach, it provides some insight about potential feelings about a threesome and if done correctly it allow for the opportunity to abort the discussion should it become clear a threesome will not occur. A disadvantage to this approach, especially if too long or wrong, your partner may become defensive and not be willing to discuss the subject with you.

The other approach involves foreplay. Foreplay is a way to introduce the idea of having a threesome through discussion of a fantasy or role-playing a third person joining the two of you. However, this approach works well for introducing the idea in a non-threatening way but it is a lousy indicator about the receptiveness of your partner to the idea.

In conclusion, introducing the idea of having a threesome involves understanding threesome and coming to terms with the impact a threesome may have on your relationship. After feeling confident in the idea the next step is to introduce the idea in a direct way outside of the bedroom. However, in some instances, it may mean building up to the conversation. This can involve trying to break-down the discussion into smaller parts by discussing aspects that relate to a threesome. The other approach involves bringing up the idea through role-playing or foreplay. In all cases there is no guarantee of success and if done correctly, it may open communication. Finally even though bringing up the idea of having a threesome maybe met with a lot of resistance and the answer may ultimately be “no,” we do not know what the future holds for us. Lovingly accept the answer but be ready the answer may unexpectedly change.

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FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

Question 2

Are threesomes similar to what is shown the movies, talk shows, and television?

Movies, talks show, and television are commercial enterprises that need to generate revenue for their company. This means they have to focus on aspects of having a threesome that brings in revenue for them thereby avoiding a balanced approach to the topic. Simply when a media enterprise (e.g. a talk show) focuses on threesomes they are focusing on the aspects they believe will bring in the most viewers for them thereby being able to charge more for advertising.  In this author’s opinion, anyone considering having a threesome should not base their decision on anything they see on television regarding the topic.

Will a threesome destroy our relationship?

This author believes a threesome will not destroy a relationship but the threesome process can bring to the surface, at a very fast pace, issues that can adversely impact a relationship. Also, this author believes if there are underlying issues in a relationship a threesome can amplify those issues whereby if a threesome did not occur then it might have been addressed. Finally this author believes a threesome cannot fix a troubled relationship but can help a good relationship.

For example a fictitious Couple, Fred & Ginger, discuss having a threesome. During the process Fred starts out like a child in a candy store, unable to wait for the threesome to happen. As the threesome grows closer, Fred becomes insecure but does not say anything to his wife, Ginger, because he does not want to deny her having a threesome. When they have the threesome Fred becomes more insecure leaving in the middle of the threesome in tears and accusing Ginger of cheating.

In the above example, it is arguable at least two issues in the couple’s relationship exist. The first is insecurity.  Granted, there is a level of insecurity in most relationships but in this situation being confronted with a threesome brought forward the issue of insecurity and the issue impacted the relationship. Second issue is communication and more precisely the fear of discussing an uncomfortable subject. Had the couple talked about what a threesome might be like for them, the issues around them, and discussed the feelings of insecurity then Fred may not have become upset.

Final example, another fictitious couple Barney and Betty have a threesome. Throughout the process they talk about their feelings, about issues that come up, and plan a threesome that is agreeable to the both of them. After the threesome they talk about how the threesome left them and discuss their next steps. They find the process of communication and providing for each other’s pleasure has brought them together.

We have planned our threesome does it means it will go as planned?

By planning a threesome it helps those involved identify risk, determine their impact on the relationship, and determine what needs to be done. Unfortunately, the best of planning still leaves the chance something was missed or something unexpected may happen.

How would you describe having a threesome?

If you ask 100 people who had a threesome they will give you 100 different answers. The best way, this author believes, is describing it as a roller-coaster rid. This means it can be scary at time but if enjoyed, this author feels, it can be exciting.  Also, the roller-coaster analogy is used to describe the feelings an individual may go through from feeling insecure to total arousal in a matter of minutes.

My partner has stated during foreplay they would love to have a threesome but after sex says they do not want a threesome, what am I to do?

This is typically referred to as “mixed signals.” There are many explanations as to why this occurs but it is a sign that your partner is not ready for a threesome. They may mentally like the idea; however at an emotional or social level they may not be ready for it. In this author’s opinion, the best thing that can be time is to give your partner time and not push the idea. When the opportunity arises openly and honestly talks to them about the idea.

I have tried to bring up the idea of having a threesome with my partner but they refuse, how can I convince them?

There is no way to convince your partner to have a threesome and probably the worst thing you can do is to pressure them. Instead, this author believes, you need to first become comfortable with the idea and be comfortable discussing it. This may mean you take time researching the idea, understanding what is involved, and try to find ways to introduce the idea in non-threatening ways to your partner. If you can do it and your partner is receptive then it may mean you have a chance that a threesome will occur in the future. However, not everyone is suitable for a threesome and not everyone wants a threesome. Therefore, be ready to love your partner for who they are and not what they can give you.

My partner / spouse is cheating. If I agree to have a threesome  with my partner / spouse will it stop them from cheating?

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome to prevent or stop someone from cheating does not work. This is because, this author believes, cheating is a sign of a deeper relationship issues that needs addressing and having a threesome will not fix it.

Preventing and dealing with a threesome that has gone wrong

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelingsIntro

Having a threesome is unpredictable. It has the ability to bring out a plethora of emotions, in a very short period of time, ranging from sheer excitement to sheer fear of abandonment while experiencing nearly every emotion  in between. Some describe it as a roller coaster of emotions and planning on how to deal with them is an integral part of the threesome planning process. Experiencing a lot of emotions over a very short-period of time can too much for some to handle. Planning for this is not always easy and even with the best preparation sometimes the unexpected does happen. This article will briefly look at some of the underlying issues about why a threesome can go wrong and briefly look at some of the possible reasons and steps that can be taken to reduce the chance that it may occur.

Threesome as a catalyst for emotions & communication

Generally speaking threesomes do not create problems. Instead a threesome can act as a catalyst that brings up issues in the relationship that already existed and were brought to the surface by the stress and the dynamics of having a threesome. Essentially, this means, the root of the issue lies in the communication structure of the relationship.

Examples of communication issues include the relationship may have an unwritten rule that certain issues are not discussed, the needs of one spouse takes precedence over the needs of another, or the power of one spouse over the over. These issues will show themselves in many ways in a threesome. For example, if the couple has issues with power then this may play out in the selection of the third whereby one person in the couple submits to the choice due to repeated pressure by their partner. Alternatively, it can show itself in the discussion of the threesome and the repeated conflicts the discussion brings. Likewise, if a couple avoids certain topics then this issue may play out in the choice of the third person whereby one person chooses with minimal advice, if any, from their partner and their partner goes along with the choice without raising any discussion. as the choice of the third, initial resistance to the idea, using threats to end the relationship if a threesome does not, or a resulting power struggle the is brought from planning a threesome.

This means before having a threesome the couple needs to be comfortable with each other enough that discussing anything is possible without fear and have enough history together that any issue can be worked through successfully.

An approach: Dealing with threesome issues

When an issue comes up in a threesome, regardless if it is during or after, there are some solutions that can be tried. The first step is to take a break from having threesomes and if it happens during the threesome then it should be immediately ended. After the threesome has ended the first step is to discuss the events that lead up to the issue. This includes though not limited to:

 

  • Understanding of boundaries
  • Expectation for the threesome
  • Reason for wanting to have a threesome
  • What each person was feeling right before the issue
  • What each person felt right after the issue

Once they have found a solution then their next step is decide if they will continue to have a threesome and if so then they will need to adhere to agreement they made with each other Alternatively if they decide not to continue then it might be worthwhile six to twelve months down the road to revisit the decision.

Mitigating the risk

This leads this author to the question what are the signs and what can be done to prevent issues or at least reduce their impact. Each couple from first discussion to debriefing should take the time to discuss potential reactions that they may have, what might trigger the reaction, how the expect to handle them, and get their partner’s feedback about their reactions. By talking through and addressing any potential ‘flashpoints’ will go a long way to lower any negative feelings after the threesome.

Also as a part of their discussion about having a threesome the couple needs to talk about other broader issues relating to a threesome such as their religious beliefs about sex / threesomes, definitions of cheating, their attitudes about sex, how they were taught about sex, marriage, and how they view what they are planning to do. Taking the time to discuss these issues and work through them will also help to lower any negative feelings afterwards.

Then after the threesome the couple should expect as the thrill of the meet begins to wear off and the reality of what has occurred begins to enter their reality they should expect some feelings that they were not planning to experience. Also they will need to accept their actions, the impact that it may have on their partner and accept that the act has occurred there is no way to change it. Some feelings that may be experienced include:

  • Husband not expecting his wife to enjoy it as much as she did
  • Wife feeling guilty afterwards
  • Feeling as though they have cheated even though their behavior was within the defined boundaries
  • Feelings of loss and / or abandonment
  • Questioning if your partner still loves you
  • Guilt
  • Conflicting emotions over enjoying the meet but feeling as though it was not meant to be enjoyed
  • Issues that were underlying in the relationship begin to surface
  • A fondness for the third person
  • Questions about their relationship

It is important immediately after the threesome comes to an end that the couple begin to talk through the encounter. They should begin to discuss issues about:

  • How they are feeling
  • What they liked about the encounter
  • What they did not like
  • Any issues that were brought up by their actions or the action of their spouse
  • Any boundaries that they thought were violated
  • Any boundaries that they feel should be changed and a reason for them being changed.
  • Would they want to have another threesome
  • Would they want to invite the same person again
  • What would they like to try next time
  • What would they do differently

If debriefing does not occur right after the encounter the risk is that issues will begin to develop and feelings will go unaddressed. Neglecting debriefing will cause a downward spiral in the relationship and allow any issue to grow larger.

For a threesome to have a minimal negative effect on feelings communication needs to be occurring throughout the process, feelings need to be addressed, any issues need to be addressed, and the couple needs to accept that feelings are a part of being human. It is not bad to have feelings that make you uncomfortable but what you do with them is what matters.

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