It is interesting to read through previous works and discover what you had intended did not occur. A while ago I wrote a piece regarding threesome communication. My intention was for it to discuss communication before the threesome occurred but it became a piece about communication during a threesome. Nonetheless, this piece will talk about communication during each aspect of the process. It is important to note this is not meant to be a treatise on the subject nor is it meant to be a comprehensive discussion, instead it is meant to be an opinion piece regarding the level of communication needed to have a threesome.
What is meant by threesome communication?
Threesome communication is essentially the discussion that occur through the process. It involves discussing a subject that most couples do not discuss and the ability to discuss the subject in a loving way. It means discussing issues like:
- Risk of STI / STD
- Risk of pregnancy
- Safe-sex practices
- Reason for wanting to have a threesome
- What do you expect from having a threesome
- How you expect having a threesome will impact the relationship
- The potential impact of having a threesome on the relationship
- What if …
- Defining boundaries regarding the threesome for the relationship
- Defining boundaries for the threesome
- Feeling associated with watching your partner having sex with someone else / having sex with someone else in front of your partner
- How to split attention
- Type of person being sought
- Acceptable activities in the threesome
- Off-limit activities in the threesome
- Feelings about having the threesome
- Feelings about having the threesome after it occurred
- What went right
- What could have gone better
- Any issues regarding sexuality
- Role the third person will have
- Role each person will have
- Other issues
Some of these may not be applicable such as risk of pregnancy if menopause has occurred, hysterectomy, mmm, or fff threesome. Where the topic is relevant to the couple threesome communication means not saying for example, “reason for wanting a threesome is because I think it is hot.” In this author’s opinion, such a statement shows an immature idea about having a threesome and it shows a lack of respect for you partner due to a lack of understanding of the risks involved. Instead it means being honest and sincere such as, “My reason for wanting a threesome it is something that I would like to explore. I believe it might help our communication and commitment to each other.” Then may be in response saying, “Don’t you think we have good enough communication? How do you think it will help our commitment to each other?” Through repeated interaction and questioning the couple can begin to appreciate what is a threesome involves.
Initial Discussions: Pillow Talk, Sexting, Talking Dirty, and Heat of the Moment
I believe we all have our methods for dealing with difficult questions and sometimes it is easier to bring up a difficult question when it is difficult to get upset. “Pillow talk” (conversations after sex or just lying in bed talking), sexting (suggestive texts) talking dirty or during “heat of the moment” (arousal from foreplay), provides an opportunity to address the idea of having a threesome. It can provide very rich visual images and an opportunity to heighten your partner’s arousal. The feelings it invokes can be quite powerful and easy leading to a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding occurs when each person has a different interpretation of the context of the conversation. For one it may be fun play in order to keep their partner’s interested while the other may see the play as permission to arrange a threesome. There is nothing wrong with using the visual image of a threesome to arouse your partner but there must be enough communication for both to be in agreement about the meaning of the play. Nonetheless this type of play can provide an avenue for beginning the discussion of having a threesome during the day.
Exploring the idea: Striving towards a common vision
During this time each person has their own idea of what a threesome means for them and what they expect from a threesome. It is during this period where a lot of the discussions take place to allow each person to discuss their vision of having a threesome and then working from those images to find a common image that is agreeable.
All of the discussions may not be heart felt deep discussions but enough discussions will occur before the decision to seek someone else to join them. The discussion will vary from “feeling your partner out on an idea,” such as “how would you feel if… occurred in the threesome,” to “it is not happening.” Not all discussions will be easy and some may require compromises while others may require thought before the idea can proceed. It is during this time when the idea of having a threesome either begins to develop or it is left as a topic for another day’s discussion. At the end of this period the couple should have an idea of what their threesome might look like.
Finding the third person
There is no rule that says a couple must first work on a common vision for their threesome before they begin searching for the third person. Arguably beginning the search for a third person can be the first activity followed by, or in unison, the discussion related to the threesome. However this author believes it is better to define the vision for the threesome and work through some of the issues before finding the third person. Reason for this belief, this author feels, by this point the couple is beginning to learn to compromise and work through issues. By working together agreeing on the characteristics of the third person and the third person should be easier.
First Contact: Speaking with the third person
Hopefully at this point the couple will have some agreements about the threesome that will be communicated to the third person. This should not be everything they have discussed and at a minimum they should communicate:
- Their expectations for the third person
- Expectations for the threesome
- Safe-sex practices
- Where there are in the process about selecting the third person (e.g. are they reviewing replies and following up, do they want to meet, etc.)
- Boundaries for the third person
- Reiterating they are a couple and will leave as a couple
- Safe-sex practices
- How / when meeting will occur
- Acceptable level of communication
- How attention will be split
Also during this period the couple should, at a minimum:
- Reviewing their boundaries
- Discussing their feelings about people they have discussed having a threesome with
- Reviewing their feelings about having a threesome
- Discuss any new issues that have come up
- Discuss if they feel any changes need to be made
Meeting the third person and having the threesome
Before meeting the third person the couple needs to ensure they are “on the same page” regarding the threesome and each of them has the same understanding regarding their planned threesome. Without having the same understanding it is possible hurt feelings will develop or worse. Therefore the couple should take a few moments to ensure they have the same understanding of:
- Their boundaries and what they mean
- Sexual practices that are off limits
- Any changes they want to make
- Any subtle signals that indicate interest or desire to abort the planned threesome
- Any safe-words that indicate a desire to end the threesome
- Any feelings they are having
At some point before the threesome the couple should take a few minutes to review with the third person their boundaries and expectations. Likewise the third person, if they have not already done so, state their boundaries, expectations, and any preferences. Then as they encounter progresses if issues arise then they should be brought into the open and discussed.
This does not need to be an onerous activity or long. After the threesome the couple should, as soon as possible, take time to talk about the threesome they had and discuss any feelings. Then, for as long as needed, discuss feelings that may come up as the result of having the threesome along with their desire to have another experience.
- We All Follow a Different Path (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Your local librarian or pastor may be into threesomes without you ever knowing (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Why we should not always believe what we read about threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Fantasy versus Reality of Having a threesome: Chapter 4 Resolving the Dilemma of Privacy versus Having a Threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Canadian study on sex and threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Study on long-term gay open relationships (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Tips to Consider with Couple Seeking Woman (tipsinseekingwoman.wordpress.com)