Having a threesome is unpredictable. It has the ability to bring out a plethora of emotions, in a very short period of time, ranging from sheer excitement to sheer fear of abandonment while experiencing nearly every emotion in between. Some describe it as a roller coaster of emotions and planning on how to deal with them is an integral part of the threesome planning process. Experiencing a lot of emotions over a very short-period of time can too much for some to handle. Planning for this is not always easy and even with the best preparation sometimes the unexpected does happen. This article will briefly look at some of the underlying issues about why a threesome can go wrong and briefly look at some of the possible reasons and steps that can be taken to reduce the chance that it may occur.
Threesome as a catalyst for emotions & communication
Generally speaking threesomes do not create problems. Instead a threesome can act as a catalyst that brings up issues in the relationship that already existed and were brought to the surface by the stress and the dynamics of having a threesome. Essentially, this means, the root of the issue lies in the communication structure of the relationship.
Examples of communication issues include the relationship may have an unwritten rule that certain issues are not discussed, the needs of one spouse takes precedence over the needs of another, or the power of one spouse over the over. These issues will show themselves in many ways in a threesome. For example, if the couple has issues with power then this may play out in the selection of the third whereby one person in the couple submits to the choice due to repeated pressure by their partner. Alternatively, it can show itself in the discussion of the threesome and the repeated conflicts the discussion brings. Likewise, if a couple avoids certain topics then this issue may play out in the choice of the third person whereby one person chooses with minimal advice, if any, from their partner and their partner goes along with the choice without raising any discussion. as the choice of the third, initial resistance to the idea, using threats to end the relationship if a threesome does not, or a resulting power struggle the is brought from planning a threesome.
This means before having a threesome the couple needs to be comfortable with each other enough that discussing anything is possible without fear and have enough history together that any issue can be worked through successfully.
An approach: Dealing with threesome issues
When an issue comes up in a threesome, regardless if it is during or after, there are some solutions that can be tried. The first step is to take a break from having threesomes and if it happens during the threesome then it should be immediately ended. After the threesome has ended the first step is to discuss the events that lead up to the issue. This includes though not limited to:
- Understanding of boundaries
- Expectation for the threesome
- Reason for wanting to have a threesome
- What each person was feeling right before the issue
- What each person felt right after the issue
Once they have found a solution then their next step is decide if they will continue to have a threesome and if so then they will need to adhere to agreement they made with each other Alternatively if they decide not to continue then it might be worthwhile six to twelve months down the road to revisit the decision.
Mitigating the risk
This leads this author to the question what are the signs and what can be done to prevent issues or at least reduce their impact. Each couple from first discussion to debriefing should take the time to discuss potential reactions that they may have, what might trigger the reaction, how the expect to handle them, and get their partner’s feedback about their reactions. By talking through and addressing any potential ‘flashpoints’ will go a long way to lower any negative feelings after the threesome.
Also as a part of their discussion about having a threesome the couple needs to talk about other broader issues relating to a threesome such as their religious beliefs about sex / threesomes, definitions of cheating, their attitudes about sex, how they were taught about sex, marriage, and how they view what they are planning to do. Taking the time to discuss these issues and work through them will also help to lower any negative feelings afterwards.
Then after the threesome the couple should expect as the thrill of the meet begins to wear off and the reality of what has occurred begins to enter their reality they should expect some feelings that they were not planning to experience. Also they will need to accept their actions, the impact that it may have on their partner and accept that the act has occurred there is no way to change it. Some feelings that may be experienced include:
- Husband not expecting his wife to enjoy it as much as she did
- Wife feeling guilty afterwards
- Feeling as though they have cheated even though their behavior was within the defined boundaries
- Feelings of loss and / or abandonment
- Questioning if your partner still loves you
- Conflicting emotions over enjoying the meet but feeling as though it was not meant to be enjoyed
- Issues that were underlying in the relationship begin to surface
- A fondness for the third person
- Questions about their relationship
It is important immediately after the threesome comes to an end that the couple begin to talk through the encounter. They should begin to discuss issues about:
- How they are feeling
- What they liked about the encounter
- What they did not like
- Any issues that were brought up by their actions or the action of their spouse
- Any boundaries that they thought were violated
- Any boundaries that they feel should be changed and a reason for them being changed.
- Would they want to have another threesome
- Would they want to invite the same person again
- What would they like to try next time
- What would they do differently
If debriefing does not occur right after the encounter the risk is that issues will begin to develop and feelings will go unaddressed. Neglecting debriefing will cause a downward spiral in the relationship and allow any issue to grow larger.
For a threesome to have a minimal negative effect on feelings communication needs to be occurring throughout the process, feelings need to be addressed, any issues need to be addressed, and the couple needs to accept that feelings are a part of being human. It is not bad to have feelings that make you uncomfortable but what you do with them is what matters.
- Threesome myths (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from & how to address them (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Problems with quid pro quo as a negotiating position for threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Perils of using a friend or co-worker for a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Why some couples choose full threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Questions regarding overcoming resistance to threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Overcoming resistance to the idea of a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- OP-ED: Essential characteristics that every couple considering a threesome should have (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Having the initial discussion (3somes.wordpress.com)