Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them


Mary Street

Introduction

It is Wednesday and excitement is building to the weekend when the threesome is will be happening. Every free moment ideas run rampant about what it is going to be like and what is going to happen. Discussions continue and refinements are made to the boundaries. Then finally it happens and everything about it is wonderful. At this point, it seems to be a perfectly executed threesome. Shortly after the thrill of the threesome begins wearing off, feelings begin to happen. Feelings of guilt, cheating / being cheated on, and remorse begin to take over. What happened? Why are these feelings happening? There are many possible answers to this question and to explore this topic in great detail will require a book. However, this author will briefly explore and provide their opinion on some of the more common reasons.

Social & Religious messaging about relationships

Western society programs its citizens from an early age, loving relationships involve two people and a sexual practice where another is invited into the relationship is deviant.  For many this messaging becomes a cornerstone on which our belief about relationships and partner selection is based.  Furthermore there are very limited role models that are open about alternative sexual practices and it leaves many who have an interest in the practice feeling participating in an activity like a threesome is in some how wrong. This can mean for some people, the idea of having a threesome remains abstract until it happens and once it does, it can trigger feelings that it is wrong because it is not socially or religiously accepted.

Impulsivity / Lack of Communication

Impulsivity in this blog takes on a slightly different meaning then its dictionary meaning. It means rushing to have a threesome without taking time to consider the idea, establish boundaries, and debrief afterwards.  Taking the necessary steps to have a threesome is vital. It allows for a discussion of the idea, a discussion of feelings, and it allows for the establishment of a safety net whereby each participant knows the limit of the planned threesome. Without taking the time to plan the threesome, important points will be missed. It is this author’s feeling negative feeling about having a threesome after it happens may mean the threesome went beyond a personal comfort level because of the lack of boundaries.  It could also mean debriefing, talking about the threesome and feelings, did not occur or it could mean since limited discussion occurred important points about the threesome where missed. Essentially the negative feeling under this heading is due to a lack of communication regarding having a threesome.

Communication

Unlike the above heading communication does occur. However in this circumstance the issue results from the wrong type of communication occurring, meaning necessary topics were not being discussed or not being discussed to the extent they should. The other problem with communication is the lack of understanding of what is being discussed. This could mean assumptions were being made, everyone had a different idea, or the topic was not clear. Essentially miscommunication was occurring.

Choosing the Third Person

Choosing the third person is vital to the success of a threesome, this author feels. Instead of taking the time to screen the individual and taking the time to ensure they fit; instead the couple opts for them because of their convenience.  Typical choice that is made based convenience maybe a friend, co-worker, or ex-lover. These choices, along with other possible choices, may mean there are some feelings and a relationship. By selecting someone where there is a relationship and at some level feelings, can lead to a conflict of feelings. The conflict arises from having sex with them and the history that exists. This means choosing the third person can have an impact on feelings afterwards.

Environment

Environment means where the threesome occurred, how it occurred, and the interaction of various components that makes up the threesome. This can be anything that can trigger feelings of cheating, such as visiting a cheap hotel in order to protect privacy, to getting drunk  and / or high to have the threesome.

The Individual

Unlike the reasons discussed in this blog that can trigger the feeling, this reason implies the individual has control over how feel and choose to respond to the feeling.

This author believes we are responsible for how we choose to feel about a situation. We can choose to have a threesome and then choose how we feel about it. For example Mary & George, a fictitious couple, choose to have a two female threesome and decide to define cheating as an intentional or reckless disregard for their agreed boundaries. Mary decides to have her first woman on woman experience, which is within their agreed boundaries. To her surprise she enjoyed it and found afterwards it created a flurry of emotions for her, including feeling as though she cheated. Mary has two choices.  She can choose to allow her feelings to dominate her thoughts and allow them to impact how she responds. Alternatively Mary can choose to accept, as a couple who defined cheating she did not cheat, and choose view the experience as an enjoyable experience that taught her something about herself.

Conclusion

What causes negative feelings, such as feeling as though you have cheated after a threesome? The answer can be quite complex that is dependent on the individual, the threesome, and their environment. Most likely a definitive answer cannot be given and the best that could be done is having the individual consider changing the way they view the event. Without having a positive view of the experience and talking about it afterwards, it is likely negative feelings will develop.

25 thoughts on “Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them

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  2. Another great post. I think that we have monogamy drilled into our heads so much that after a successful first-time threesome (or moresome), we can’t stop ourselves from feeling guilty about it because we just did something ‘unnatural’ and against the rules… and we had a ball… but we weren’t supposed to.

    Sure, there are other factors involved but the one that is like a stake in the heart is guilt. After the first MFF my wife and I had, boy, did I feel guilty after I had time to think about all that happened! Then, I realized that I was feeling guilty because I did, in fact, enjoy myself to the max – but there was still the lingering thought in the back of my head that as a married man, I had no business having sex with another woman AND my wife, let alone thinking it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

    I got over it… but, sadly, not many people can do this so the negative thoughts and feelings tend to fester and, oops, the relationship is now in the toilet. This is why when people ask me about doing stuff like this, I always ask them to think about how they’re going to feel after the fact and even let them know that they could have some guilt issues to deal with as individuals and as a couple.

    And all because we are taught to never behave in such a manner, which is also why I advise folks to unlearn everything they’ve ever learned about sex and relationships and be prepared to learn a whole different thing, beginning with being able to openly communicate with each other about this before the fact.

    • Thank you for your comments. This author feels, one of the reason why group sex (e.g. threesomes, wife swapping, etc) are taboo is because from a young age we are taught monogamy is the acceptable practice. Then if as adults we participate in a threesome the most likely feeling we have is guilt. The guilt does not stem from being pressured into doing something we did not want to do. Instead the guilt, is most likely from, enjoying a experience that we have been taught is taboo and having to deal with the feelings that comes from doing something taboo. In order to be able to enjoy something like a threesome the participants need to change their perspective about the practice, openly communicate, and understand as long as it is consensual then there is nothing wrong with it.

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