Quite a provocative article exposing the forbidden fruit of having multiple relationships. It is an article that I wholeheartedly endorse and I encourage you to read too.
This topic is a topic that was suggest to me from one of the fans of this site. Vanilla for those who are not familiar with the term means those who do not have group sex experience because they have never had one or choose not to have the experience. Looking for the third person in the vanilla world poses both challenges and questions.
The challenge is finding someone that is interested approximately 14% is interested in having a threesome. This means 86 out of every 100 adults is not interested in having a threesome. Spending valuable time searching in the vanilla world means spending a lot of time of finding someone who has not expressed an interest in having threesome, finding them, and then trying to convince them to consider the idea. Instead of using valuable time speaking to people who have already expressed an interest.
Also this raises questions such as, is ethical to approach someone who has not expressed an interest in having a threesome and trying to convert them? What type of impact will it have on them? Their life? If married, what impact will it have their relationship and family? Where does the responsibility lie for the person trying to convert a vanilla? All of these questions need to be considered when looking for someone in vanilla world.
As someone who has a had threesome experiences my belief unless the person in the vanilla world approaches about having a threesome then it is best to leave alone. Why? Based on my experience, there is enough people out there who express an interest in activity without having to look for someone who have never expressed an interest, a vanilla person. In addition I believe finding someone who has not previously expressed an interest carries its own unique set of risks. The primary risks includes lack of enjoyable experience, which can be due to several reason such as: vanilla person not being compatible, the vanilla person having feeling negative towards the idea, and their lack of experience coupled with their previous lack of interest. This brings up questions, such as:
- Is it right, morally or ethically, to try to get them interested?
- What is my person responsibility to them if they do not like the experience?
- Why them instead of looking for someone who has already expressed an interest?
With the internet having thousands of sites dedicated to threesomes, dating, and group sex sites finding a third online is fairly straightforward. Plus internet provides the opportunity for on-premise and off premise events to advertise online so finding someone that is interested is fairly easy.
Finding someone is easy but the challenge is finding someone that is compatible. If the couple is interested in a two male threesome then provided they do not live a rural mid-west town then finding a compatible person may take a little time; however, if they are committed in finding a third person then it should not take too long. Issues finding the third person, I believe, comes down to one of three reason location, lack of commitment in finding the third person or too restrictive standards.
Finding the third person in the vanilla world
Generally speaking there are two groups of people who fall into this category friends and co-workers. Co-workers carry a lot of risk especially when approaching a vanilla co-worker for a threesome and it could, for some people, be a career ending decision. It is therefore best avoiding approaching a co-worker.
Approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome is a lot like approaching your significant other for a threesome, it will forever change the relationship and it should not be done lightly, especially if the friend is a close friend. Friends, unlike a significant other, may end the friendship at the suggestion or may end the friendship after the threesome. It is important to weigh the risks, including if the friend is someone you are wiling to lose because of the threesome.
Colloquy approach is the best approach when approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome
My wife and I have been approached by friends for threesomes and we have approached a friend for a threesome. In each of the situation being direct was used. Being direct means, a colloquy discussion where being honest about what was being sought without the use of euphemisms and without the use of colloquialisms. It is a discussion that involves everyone and it is not a side-discussion amongst friends. The conversation involves talking about what is being sought, boundaries, and the length they are wanting (e.g. one-off, occasional, long-term).
The Threesome and afterwards
The threesomes we had with friends made the process a lot faster due our familiarity with each other. However it was a bit awkward since we were shifting from being friends to something different. It did not create any animosity between us; however over time we saw the friendship our friendships drift apart until they finally ended.
Looking for a vanilla playmate does not always work out and it carries its own challenges. If a couple due to location opts for a vanilla playmate then the best option is to look for a friend that they are willing to risk their friendship. When approaching a friend it is important all three are present to have an honest discussion about what is being sought. Once the threesome occurs it is likely the friendship will drift and ultimately end. It is therefore better to use the tools available to find an interested third than finding a vanilla playmate.
- What does relationship mean in a threesome? (3somes.wordpress.com)
- How do you know if you have found the third person? (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Does introducing a thrid person positively or negatively impact a relationship? (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Wife and Girlfriend reasons for participating in MFM or not wanting to participate (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Single woman seeking a threesome: risks and benefits (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Single woman seeking a threesome: risks and benefits (travellinginternationally.wordpress.com)
- How do you know if someone is interested? (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Jealousy and threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
A good and thought provoking blog. Hopefully some of my readers will reply to the questions.
During ratings sweep it is possible to see a tantalizing article about couples who take part in threesomes and it is fairly easy to find a talk show, covering the topic in some form. From watching the news, news programs and talk shows it is easy to form an opinion of having a threesome. However do we ask, is this an accurate portrayal or is a perspective being given to get ratings? This author will take a look at some of the perceptions of threesomes and will try to expose some of the myths around them.
Since the couple does not have an open relationship there is no risk to the relationship
Porn movies are notorious for portraying a threesome as a way to have sex without the consequences and no opening up the relationship probably carries less risk. Nonetheless, the reality is any decision, including the decision to have a threesome, carries consequences and having a threesome can impact a couple’s relationship. The fact that the relationship is no open does not mean residual feelings from having the threesome or by having a threesome it brings up underlying issues. Since there is no guarantee a threesome will work, the best advice is to talk through having a threesome and continue to talk about it to address any feelings that may linger afterwards.
Every man wants fmf threesome
Every man does not want a two woman threesome. A man is person who has feelings, beliefs and experiences. This means not every man wants a fmf threesome because it goes against their beliefs or from their experiences they feel a threesome is not in their best interest. Those who do have a threesome, most, will have a two male threesome. This is not because they are bisexual or gay; instead it is because a single man is more likely to take part in a threesome than a single woman.
Best choice for a threesome is a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover
While a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover may work as a choice for a threesome in some limited circumstances. The reality is each one provides their own issues and risks that make choosing them a risky choice. It is this author’s feeling anyone considering a threesome, especially if discretion and privacy is a concern, to look for someone they do not know well.
Having a threesome will add ‘spice’ to the relationship and fix relationship problems such as, stopping my partner / spouse from cheating
Threesomes cannot fix relationship or add spice to a relationship that has become stagnant. This author feels a threesome can bring issues forward issues that exist in the relationship and weaken a relationship that is struggling. Therefore, this author feels, the best approach is to solve the underling issues and work at developing the relationship before considering a threesome. Essentially this means a threesome should not be considered as a solution to a relationship issue but as a way to potentially grow the relationship.
During foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ my partner / spouse express a wish to have a threesome
If you partner / spouse express an interest in having a threesome during foreplay or ‘pillow talk’ then it is a good idea to speak to them outside of the bedroom to clarify their feelings. Just because during arousal or in the afterglow they express these feelings, it does not mean the interest continues. Without talking about the idea during the day it is difficult to know their true feelings and acting on such a statement without understanding their feelings may result in problems for the relationship later.
I am not the jealous type and I do not see having a threesome as being a problem
Until a threesome occurs it is impossible to know your reaction. Having a threesome can elicit a roller-coaster of emotions and even though who do not believe they are jealous may feel jealous once they see their partner / spouse having sex with someone else.
I am the jealous type and should not have a threesome
In most cases being jealous will make having a threesome difficult but it does not mean it will be impossible. If it is possible to talk through the feelings before hand, set a signal to let your partner / spouse know you are becoming uncomfortable or if you can view having a threesome being about physical pleasure instead of emotional bonding then it is possible that having a threesome is not out of reach. However, if jealousy leads to anger, violent reactions, or conflict then it is advisable to work on the issue of jealousy before having a threesome.
Boundaries are not needed since I want my partner / spouse to experience everything
A couple cannot expect every possible scenario for a threesome and their possible reaction. Having boundaries define the limits of a threesome and give a safety-net for the threesome. It allows each participant to understand what behavior is acceptable and the personal limits each person has. Even though boundaries will not prevent every possible issue from surfacing; it helps the couple to mitigate any potential conflict, build trust, and be pro-active in preventing possible conflict.
Having a threesome is cheating
In this author’s opinion, having a threesome is not cheating provided the boundaries are not intentionally or recklessly violated. This means as long as the couple is agreement and they adhere to their boundaries, then this author feels no cheating has occurred.
I do not want to have a threesome but my partner / spouse does, I should agree to have a threesome in order to make them happy.
Having a threesome can bring up powerful feelings and can involve a complex web of emotions. Deciding to have threesome to make someone happy may seem like a caring act in order to strengthen a relationship. However must be asked, what about your feelings? If you find you are opposed to a threesome then it is possible it may bring up other feelings (e.g. feeling of losing self in the relationship, your needs not getting met, etc.) these feelings may have an adverse impact on your perception of the threesome and adversely impact your relationship. Therefore it is important to balance your needs against the need to have a threesome for your partner.
If my partner is agreeable then a threesome should happen fairly quickly
Planning and finding someone that is compatible can take time, especially if it is a fmf. The first step in having a threesome is discussing the idea; however, it can take weeks, months, year, or it may never happen. A part of the length is based on the type of threesome being planned, the issues that need resolving, and finding someone who is compatible.
- Problems with quid pro quo as a negotiating position for threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from & how to address them (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Why some couples choose full threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Having the initial discussion (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2 (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Overcoming resistance to the idea of a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Questions regarding overcoming resistance to threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- OP-ED: Essential characteristics that every couple considering a threesome should have (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs about cuckolding (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Threesome Terminology (3somes.wordpress.com)
Planning a threesome brings many challenges for a couple. There are some challenges that are fairly obvious, like being able to successfully deal with watching your partner having sex with someone else. While other challenges are less obvious, such as resolving the social message that a relationship needs to be monogamous. Resolving the issue of monogamy, particularly when it involves defining cheating, can pose a hurdle especially because cheating is a term we understand but it is a word that has a specific meaning for each person. Such variation can create different expectations when considering a threesome and it if not resolved it may mean each person is held to a different standard. Overcoming the different definitions of cheating becomes quite important in the context of having a threesome since the success of the threesome and ultimately a couple’s relationship may hinge on the definition. Therefore, successfully defining cheating, this author feels, is a cornerstone of having a successful threesome. It will define what activity is acceptable in a threesome and how much tolerance a couple will have between defining what is an acceptable misunderstanding and actual cheating. In addition, this author believes, how a couple defines cheating will ultimately determine if they will have a threesome or not. For a couple, a lot can hinge on how they define cheating. This section will provide an opinion regarding the a definition of cheating by exploring some of the sources of the idea of cheating, then by breaking the topic down into its elements and finally this chapter will propose an alternative definition that may work, for some couples.
The Beginning – Early Experiences shaping the definition of cheating.
In order to understand the reason for the variation regarding the event that breaks a trust in a relationship, it is important to look at person’s childhood. Childhood is a time in our lives where our job is learning. Learning occurs in many different forms. It occurs formally in the classroom and it occurs informally through our interactions with our environment, such as playing with friends. During our childhood we play a lot of games that have rules, as we get older the rules become more complex and we become upset when a participant in the game intentionally breaks a rule in order to have a greater chance of winning. At that point we become upset and claim that the person “cheated.” Then as we get older formal game playing begins to end and we play a more abstract game called dating.
Once we begin to “date” we begin to apply the rules we observed about relationships from adults around us along with our observations we begin applying our own belief system to the rules we feel that should define dating. Early during our dating experience, when a relationship tends to be short-term and we begin to learn how to care for another, we begin to confront the issue of what is cheating. The person we are dating may have gone to the local soda fountain for a phosphate or talked to a person of the opposite sex. Cheating, during this time, is clear-cut whereby any physical contact with someone else, regardless of how trivial it is, or acts inconsistent with our belief of what a couple does, is considered cheating. This leads to a “check-list” being developed because we have not learned how to communicate effectively in a relationship and the “check-list” serves as a way to protect ourselves being hurt while dating. Such a “check-list” defines physical activities we define as cheating and other activities if occur will ensure the relationship comes to an end. However as we get older and become better at communicating, in a relationship, then the cheating “check-list” we developed as young adults becomes challenged. Once it is challenged it requires some introspection in order to determine where our feelings on the subject lie and in most cases the “check-list” becomes no longer is fit for purpose. Should it be no longer fit for purpose, this means some type of change has been made to the person’s world view and it means the person’s definition of cheating is evolving. Moreover this means, the definition we hold for cheating is a continuously evolving definition based on experiences and challenges to the definition.
Trust, the foundation for defining cheating
Trust has many meanings and it means different things to different people. In the context of relationship that is considering a threesome, in order for a relationship to last and to function, there must be trust. Essentially trust can be defined as the reliance on what someone is saying or doing is true. When we are discussing cheating then cheating is a breaking of a trust. However, what still remains unclear is what constitutes a breaking of trust. When you begin talking about a committed type of relationship, such as a couple considering a threesome, then trust takes on a broader meaning. This usually means there is an interrelationship between trust and boundaries since boundaries provides the guidance about the type of events that can break the trust in the relationship. Boundaries define the limits to which the threesome will operate and it builds a level of trust, this author feels, by building confidence that the threesome will not go outside of those boundaries. By having boundaries it allows the relationship to function by instilling a level of trust, otherwise this author feels having a threesome will become much more difficult.
This implies that any communication must be based on honesty and there cannot be any deceit. Such a statement also implies there is no universal list to determine truth. Instead truth comes about from the examination of the situation and understanding the person. Furthermore it can be said that trust is a core element that forms a relationship and without being able to trust the other in a relationship the relationship cannot function. Therefore this author believes that, trust develops over time resulting from effective communication, learning about the individual, and is the result of working together as a team. The more a couple invests in their relationship by developing trust and defining their limits of their relationship the more likely it is able to weather adversity. The trust is broken it may be repaired, though not guaranteed, by re-establishing trust.
How does trust and having a threesome relate? Having a threesome requires that trust exists and having a threesome relies on the fact that no one will break an agreed boundary. Also it requires for a threesome to be successful that each person trust the other two. Having a threesome is not like going to a burger place and trusting that the cashier will get your order correct. In a threesome situation you essentially trust the other two with your life and that they will respect you enough to adhere to the boundaries.
Finally, the question becomes how does trust and threesome relate to cheating? Essentially cheating results from a trust being broken. In a threesome situation boundaries are principally the union of each person’s sexual comfort limit and by exceeding that limit trust is broken. Once trust is broken cheating becomes a possibility. This then raises another question is trust and cheating interlinked?
Difference between Trust and Cheating
Up to this point this author has not defined the difference between trust and cheating beyond talking about boundaries. However for cheating to occur there must be emotional investment in the relationship and without emotional investment, it can be said no cheating can occur. An example is a friend with benefit relationship. In this type of relationship, boundaries exist to define the relationship and to keep an emotional attachment from developing. This means it does not matter if the person is being honest about having sex with someone because the type of relationship is based on physical attraction without making an emotional investment.
Knowledge of Partner, what does that mean?
Before defining cheating it is important to define one more concept, knowledge of partner is a term that implies having a relationship with a person and from that experience a knowledge base is developed. Then from that knowledge base certain expectations, expected behaviors in a given situation, and if the relationship develops long enough a particular “couple’s language” develops whereby the couple develops their own words along with a specific communication style. The communication style and language serves as a foundation for understanding. However when in a threesome situation it is best to return to the basics by abandoning any special words and any special communication style in order to ensure that nothing gets missed. Nonetheless the specific communication style and words could help as a way to communicate interest or lack thereof when selecting the third person.
What does this all mean, a proposed definition for cheating?
This author feels that the definition of cheating can be defined by, a couple in a long-term relationship where both has an emotional investment in the relationship and when a trust has been either intentionally or recklessly violated. Such a definition excludes simple misunderstanding, excludes emotional cheating (e.g. emotional affairs), and instead requires that violating a trust is something that can be expected from the chosen action taken. Expecting an action to violate a trust means that there is an awareness, at some level, that performing the action will result in a loss of trust and even though the awareness exists the individual nonetheless chose to partake in that behavior.
The above definition can seem confusing and this author will present two scenarios to highlight how to apply the definition.
Scenario 1: Couple A (Mr M & his wife Mrs A) agree to invite another male, Mr D for a two male threesome. A boundary for Couple A is that Mrs A can perform oral on Mr. D but Mr. D cannot cum in her mouth. During the threesome Mrs A performs oral on Mr. D that results in him cumming in her mouth. The question becomes did Mrs. A cheat on Mr. M by violating the boundary?
Discussion: This is a difficult question to answer as there are allot of “it depends,” and a need to evaluate the situation in order to determine if cheating did occur. One area to be considered was Mr. D aware of the boundary and was he asked to let Mrs. A to know when it was close to “cumming” so that he could try to pull out? Another question to be answered, did Mr. D cum too fast because of the excitement and stress of the situation? It could be that even if Mrs. A had warning that it could not have been avoided because Mr. D “cummed” too quickly. Third question to be answered what was Mrs A intention? A lot of this revolves around what Mr. M knows about his wife and the current state of their relationship. Also, it comes down to what Mrs. A felt about her decision to perform oral on Mr. D to the put of “cumming” and if she was willing to take the risk that it might be seen as cheating. Finally, did the couple risk assess this activity, meaning did they realize that this was a possible consequence and they were prepared, as a couple, to accept that Mr. D might not be able to “pull-out” in time. My feeling the answer comes down to how important this boundary was to keep, how much discussion occurred, the understanding each person had of the boundary, and given their planned threesome how practical it was to expect Mr. D would not “cum” too fast.
Scenario 2: Using same couple from above, they agree that any communication with the third person would be transparent, whereby each of them would be present when any communication would occur. Mrs. A waits until Mr. M goes to be and uses IRC to plan a meeting alone with Mr. D. Mrs. A does not tell Mr. M of the meeting and he only discovers it a few days later when he discovers a saved chat between the two of him while he was a sleep.
Discussion: Unless there was some agreement between Mr M & Mrs A, such as she should meet him alone or that she should talk with him alone, then it is probable that cheating had a occurred due to the fact, as a couple, they agreed that any communication would occur in the presence of the other. Mrs. A should have known or did know that communicating without her husband present to meet the other alone would be considered cheating since it is in contrast to what has been agreed.
For a couple wanting to have a threesome and avoid cheating it means that they need to have definable boundaries that are understood along with being agreeable. In addition it means that for the couple they must rely more on their knowledge of their partner when considering if cheating has occurred in a threesome. If a couple encounters a violation of a boundary during a threesome, their definition is quite rigid and do not examine the violation in the larger context by trying to determine what caused it to happen then it is this author’s feeling that couple will face major problems for their relationship .
Finally it goes without saying threesomes are risky, even if every precautions are taken and it is planned meticulously. Defining cheating and if a violation of trust occurs then considering it in the context of why it happened does not ensure protection from anything damaging to the relationship. All it ensures is that added protection to the relationship is given via communication and agreeing on the definition.
- OP-ED: Essential characteristics that every couple considering a threesome should have (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs about boundaries (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2 (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Threesome Terminology (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Writing an ad – Advice for single males (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs – Finding a third person (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Polyamory vs. Threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
It is 3:00 in morning, the house is quiet and the two of you want to write an ad for a threesome, how do you it? Hopefully by this point the enough of a discussion has occurred that will allow the ad to be written without further discussions. The ad should reflect your personality as a couple, some very non-specific information about the two of you, along with covering your boundaries and the type of person you want to meet as a third. Essentially you are using words in painting a picture, as a couple, you want from a threesome.
Think before leaping
Writing an ad can elicit many feelings from fear of rejection to sure excitement. It is important before writing the ad some time is given thinking about the type of threesome, the type of person you are trying to attract, and also what each of you brings to the threesome. By thinking through the idea it will help to write the ad, along with increasing the chance that the threesome will be successful and increase the chance of finding a person that is suitable.
Using words to reflect your personality
Very few of us are masters of the written word but when placing an ad being an accomplished writer is not necessary. However, your style and the way you write will attract some people while turning away others. Therefore, the words you choose say something about who you are and it is important that the right image is created. This means taking the time to edit, spell check your ad, and taking a few moments to grammar check it too. Choppy sentences, run on sentences, and sentences with misspelled words can discourage potential candidates from responding. Before writing the ad it might be worth reading through other ads to get an idea of style of writing and what others include in their ad.
Also, it means do not write the ad as though you just took a creative writing class or swallowed a dictionary. Furthermore an ad does not read as though it was written by a well known author from the romantic period in literature nor does it need creative words to be effective. Instead write the ad as though you were confidently talking to someone about having a threesome with the two of you, what would say? How would you say it? What element of your personality would come through to them? How would they describe you as a couple?
Finally as you proofread your ad think as though you were responding to it. read What would you think? What image does it create in your mind about the couple? Is this a couple you would want to meet? If not, then it is a sign more editing is needed.
Non-specific information about the two of you as a couple
This ties with the first part and it is not as essential as the other parts. The purpose here is to provide a reader of the ad insight into the couple and to attract people with similar interests. It is also used to make the author of the ad sound more personable, what you like to do as couple, and approachable. For example it could be, “… Fred likes to sing and Missy likes to run in marathons,” or might be something like, “… as a couple we like watching movies.” It is important to remember, the information here should not identify you, it should be short, and it should be very generic.
This is a key element to the ad and boundaries need to be included. Providing a laundry list of boundaries or going into details about your boundaries is not necessary at this point. Only a few key boundaries or a very general summary should be included. An example might be, “… Mary enjoys most things but is not into giving oral.” Another example, “We are looking for a male to join us for a straight threesome since Fred has no interest in male on male contact.” Final example, “We are middle the road couple who enjoys most sexual things except anything extreme, which includes water-sports and Roman showers.” Once you get a reply and begin discussing the idea with someone then you can go into more details about your boundaries.
Type of person you want to meet
If the two of you have not discussed this in much detail you may struggle with it. This is the section that will let the reader know the type of person you want to meet and the type person you do not want to invite. Essentially this should work as a filter to help you sort through those you are most likely to be interested in meeting and those you are most likely not interested in meeting. Characteristics you may want to consider:
- age / age range
- relationship status (married, committed relationship or single)
- sexuality (straight, bi, gay)
- gender / sex
- someone who is looking for a one off situation or an ongoing situation
- someone who is able to accommodate or someone who is not able to accommodate
- body build
- sexual interests (dp, bondage, any other legal sexual interests)
Placing an ad for a threesome does not need to be a tumultuous experience. Instead an ad is a summary of your interests in having a threesome along with your limits. It should try to reflect the type of couple you are and the type of person you want to meet. A well written ad will go a long way in meeting the need and it can provide dividends for the couple by providing them with quality responses to their ad.
(click title for original source)
Anyone who’s ever been in one of these relationships will tell you that they’re emotionally complex, physical stimulating, extremely passionate, and intensely erotic. Men and women who’ve been in these types of relationships often become captivated by their unique intensity. Multiple studies demonstrate that the emotional impact of these relationships on their participants is so profound that it can permanently alter brain chemistry levels in both men and women. They become addicted to the thrilling surges of adrenalin (power) and dopamine (pleasure) associated with these activities.
For men, the phrase “once a cuckold, always a cuckold” speaks to this powerful desire and effect. Despite the conflicting emotional turmoil experienced by men in these relationships… often referred to as “cuckold angst”, described as the most intensely erotic roller coaster ride a man will ever experience… men find it highly addictive…
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