Fantasy verus reality of having a threesome: Part 4 – the myth of dating


Relationship between A B C

Heart is racing, mind is going racing about future meetings, and still on the adrenaline high from having a successful threesome. There is a belief that since it work it is something that can be enduring and thoughts about the next encounter begin forming almost like a first date.

There are some who may equate having a threesome with dating due to the similarities such as the anxiety about the first meet, need for communication and of course sex. The reality is there is a difference. A full-swap or soft-swing threesome is about physical pleasure. Whereas dating is about finding someone for the long-term. This means a fundamental difference between having a threesome and dating exists, the need for a relationship.

Another fundamental difference between dating and having a threesome exists. Since the primary purpose of soft-swinging or full-swap threesome is about physical pleasure it means forming a relationship is not a core necessity and it most likely mean only enough information is collected in order to decide if a threesome should occur. Also it means since the focus is on pleasure and not relationship formation most threesome relationships do not last beyond a few encounters unless the purpose is some form of open relationship.

So, why define relationship? This author feels, it is important to understand the term and what investment is needed in order to make the type of threesome work. Relationship is a word that takes on multiple meanings and is difficult to define. In a threesome situation the word is used in three different contexts. The first context is in regards to developing enough of a relationship that sex can occur. This is quite similar to a working relationship where a relationship is needed so that the necessary work can occur, it needs to be maintained so that any future work will go smoothly, and finally it is a relationship that needs to be developed quickly. In this context relationship is formed regardless of feelings, regardless of friendship, and it is formed due to a common objective that is being sought.

Second context is the more common usage of the word relationship it refers to a friendship or deeper relationship based on shared common feelings for one another. Typically friendships are formed for the long-term and are meant to be lasting. In this usage of the term the formation of feelings serves a common objective for the formation of a long-term relationship. Feelings are not necessarily sexual, they are not necessary unfathomable but serve as the glue that binds the individuals in their common objective. This means for a threesome where the focus is on pleasure allowing feelings to develop can upset the equilibrium that exists and cause problems for the couple’s relationship. In order to mitigate the risk of feelings limiting the number of encounters with the same person or developing a network of friends for threesomes becomes paramount.

Third context, regards long-term threesomes, such as cuckolding and typically two additional words are used primary and secondary relationships. Primary relationship is the couple’s relationship and the secondary relationship is the relationship formed with sexual partners outside of the relationship. Typically this type of relationship shows varying degrees of both definitions.

For a threesome that is not meant be long-term to be successful the relationship needs to similar to the first definition and it is akin to a friend with benefits relationship. This means that taking time to develop a friendship, a deep understanding of each other, and going through the lengthy dating ritual is not necessary. Instead it means the time needed to get to know each other should be done during the initial stages and only to the depth necessary to make a decision regarding if the third person meets the couple’s requirements. Once the couple has made their decision the relationship only needs to be maintained long enough for threesome to occur.

If at some time the short-term threesome relationship moves to where feelings begin to develop then the threesome needs to end. Each person in a threesome situation is responsible for their feelings and responsible for what is communicated. Should feelings begin to develop this need to be discussed and ending the threesome needs to immediately happen. There are many reasons for ending it but in essence it is done to preserve the marital relationship. The maintaining the marital relationship takes precedence over any other reason. Plus the threesome has moved away from its primary objective and if left to continue will prove to be destructive for all involved.

Once the current threesome relationship has ended the couple needs to take a break and work through what happened. After understanding how feelings began to develop for the third person the couple needs to update their boundaries in an effort to guarantee that this does not happen again.

Below are a few additional suggestions to minimize the chance a threesome relationship begins creating feelings for the third person:

  • Find more than one playmate
  • Avoid exclusive relationships
  • Limit the number of times you play with the same person to either one off situation or a few limited times
  • Keep the time between playing with the same person long (e.g. every three or six months)
  • Maintain only necessary communication with the  third person
  • Do not incorporate the third person into non-sexual activities (e.g. picnic, movies, etc)
  • Make sure both of you agree on the person and do not take one for the team
  • Make sure your relationship is stable, you are not going through a major life event, or just finished going through a major life event.
  • Take time to build up your relationship
  • Avoid using friends, co-workers, or anyone you have a high degree of familiarity.
  • Debrief afterwards
  • Talk about feelings and potential scenarios that might lead to this situation. Once you have talked about it find ways to minimize it.
  • Communicate to the third person your boundaries
  • Communicate to the third person their role and that at the end of the night the two of you will be leaving as a couple.
  • Address any misconceptions that the third person may have about the threesome before it happens

If a threesome is to occur it is important that the couple defines what type of threesome they are desiring along with the emotional involvement with the third person. Without discussing this and communicating to the third person the couple may evolve their threesome experience into something that may do more harm than good. It is therefore important to understand than threesome are more about pleasure than relationships. By understanding that it is a first-step in having an enjoyable threesome.

9 thoughts on “Fantasy verus reality of having a threesome: Part 4 – the myth of dating

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