Taking care of her love button


Another great article by Jane’s Illustrated Erotic Sex Blog. I am ‘Pressing’ this article because it is an insightful article that gives a good description on technique. Whilst we all know how to use the “button,” as Jane calls it, she takes it a bit further by suggesting how to maximize its beneficial pleasure.

I hope you take a few moment to read this great article.

Taking care of her love button.

via Taking care of her love button.

Pulling back from the cliff


Kama Sutra Illustration

Imagine for a moment the threesome that the two of you planned is occurring flawlessly. All three of you are hitting it off, flirting is occurring and even some kissing.  Now, you move to the bedroom or hotel room where your partner says they cannot go through with it? Maybe they take on a voyeur role leaving you to please the other person. Frustrated you ask yourself, why did this happen?

There are no easy answers to the above question. Having a threesome is something that is fraught with points where the planned threesome can fall apart and this point is usually the point of no return. This is the point where the threesome can be stopped before anything intimate happens.  Most likely your partner was confronted with something that made them pull back from wanting a threesome.

The reason for pulling back varies but can include:

  • Concerns about being seen     as gay or bisexual
  • Relationship concerns
  • Boundaries not clearly      defined or concerns about boundaries
  • Conflict regarding      personal beliefs / religious views
  • Fear of STDs / STis /      pregnancy
  • Attraction to the third      person does not exist
  • Medical / psychological      issues (e.g. Performance Anxiety or body image issues)
  • Feeling pressure or      coerced into having a threesome
  • Emotional feelings such as      jealousy or anger
  • Environmental issues
  • Vision of threesome being      different
  • Being confronted with the      decision to have a threesome
  • Age of the relationship
  • Stress
  • Life Changing events

Until the two of you talk there is no way of knowing the reason for it. Most likely if the issue can be addressed and resolved then it is probable that giving it another try is reasonable.  If you do give it another try then making changes to how you previously have approached having a threesome, the person selected, and may be try making it as stress free as possible.

Building up a relationship


Emotional Relationship Symbols in a Genogram

Consider for a moment you want to bring up the idea of having a threesome and want to have a good chance at success. One option is being bold by unexpectedly bringing up the idea. This approach has a 50 / 50 chance of being successful and it done at a time when your partner least expects it thereby catching them unprepared. If your partner is not assertive and agrees to the threesome then it could lead to feelings of remorse afterwards. Feeling remorse about a bad decision is never good for the survivability of a relationship. However there is another approach that may increase the chance of obtaining agreement and that approach involves building up your relationship before having the initial discussion.

The purpose of this technique is to build trust and build a sense of security in the relationship. It goes without saying building up your relationship is not a technique to manipulate your partner into having a threesome and if you not are sincere about building up your relationship in preparation for a threesome then there is a good chance you partner will discover your insincerity. Should you be insincere about your desire to improve your relationship and it is discovered it could adversely impact it. Therefore, in order to use this technique successfully it requires a sincere desire to improve your relationship with your partner and accept even though your partner may feel more secure in their relationship with you that it does not guarantee a threesome.

The starting point, understand there are two components. The first component regards removing issues that brings up conflict. A lot of time it comes down to how we are perceived and how we handle conflict. If for example, every time you bring up an issue and you start the conversation with, “there is something that I need to talk to you about,” it flags the conversation that they have done something that displeases you thereby getting them on the defensive before you say your first word. Instead try something different, such as saying something positive or give them a compliment. Saying something positive or nice can sometimes change the tone of the conversation.

On the surface the above may not seem important. However, this has a lot do with approaching the conversation regarding having a threesome. If there are trigger words or words that can invoke an emotional response then finding ways to remove those triggers becomes paramount preparation in having the initial discussion. By keeping those barriers, it makes it less likely that a productive discussion about having a threesome can occur.

Another aspect of removing conflict is working through issues that can cause problems. In a threesome situation jealousy and control are two issues in a relationship that can influence a threesome. Having a threesome means putting aside feelings in order to allow the threesome to occur and it means being able to allow things to happen without being too prescriptive. In this context it is important to learn how to “let-go” while being assertive and essentially this means making changes within ourselves to allow a threesome to happen.

Finally giving a compliment or doing something that is unexpected can have a positive impact. This can be anything from saying, “you look nice today,” to bringing home a dozen roses, or planning an impromptu dinner out. By doing this it can show how important your partner is to you.

Second part involves finding ways to connect. Working, caring for kids, activities and managing a household finding time as a couple is difficult. Without having enough time to connect, as a couple, it makes it difficult to feel secure in the relationship and bringing up suggestions like a threesome can be met with suspicion. Finding ways to connect does not always mean having a date night or sending the kids to the grandparents for the weekend. Instead it could be buying your partner flowers, having dinner together after the kids go to bed, having a conversation, or watching a movie. It means finding those opportunities, regardless of small they may be, in order to connect.

This means building up the relationship involves finding ways to remove the barriers to communication and letting your partner know how special they are to you. Also, it means it is a continuous process that occurs throughout the life of the relationship and it is not done solely to convince your partner to have a threesome. Finally it means resolving the outstanding issues and making changes within ourselves in order to increase the chance a threesome will occur. Regardless if you have a threesome and regardless your reason building up a relationship, this is something that should occur in every relationship to ensure that each person is happy.

Taking one for the team – A brief introduction


Fendi06

Fendi06 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Imagine your partner and you meet a potential third person. Your partner really seem to “hit it off” with them and your partner like this makes you feel happy. However, at the same time your attraction to the third person is like your attraction to a cold dead fish.

Now, imagine your partner wanting to have a threesome and you having ambivalent feelings about the threesome.

What do you do? Do you agree to go ahead with the threesome in order to please your partner? Alternatively do you say no, in order to preserve some self-worth and to protect your sense well-being?

“Taking one for the team,” agreeing to have a threesome in order to please your partner, is never an easy decision. It can create allot of mixed feelings and confusion. It can also lead to resentment afterward. Much of the decision comes down to balancing your needs against the needs of your partner and the relationship.  Normally the rule of thumb is if you do not feel an attraction towards the third person then the threesome should not go forward. In order for a threesome to work, this author believes, all three must have some attraction for each other. Without having an attraction then sex becomes mechanical and lacks enjoyment. However, being in relationship it is not always easy and sometimes giving priority to your partner’s needs becomes a forefront concern. This means sometimes sacrifices are made in order to make our partner happy. In those cases the question becomes, can you accept the decision to go forward with the threesome without remorse and accept responsibility for your decision? If you can then it may be worth considering having the threesome.  Otherwise then having a threesome may not be the best idea.

Threesome stages


Threesome clothes pins

Introduction

The purpose of this article is providing some guidance regarding the progression that the discussion about a threesome can occur. It is not a definitive guide and is only meant as a basic resource. Also this guide meant to be a basic resource documenting the threesome process between couples. It is important to note not all couples will go through all stages, some may go through them faster and some may go through them in a different order. Finally by using this guide it can help a couple determine where they are at in the threesome process and if they feel they have missed a stage then it might be a sign they have omitted something that needs to happen. If a couple feels they have missed something then it could indicate a potential problem might occur and before proceeding to have a threesome then the couple should determine what else needs to occur before the threesome happens.

1) Pre-Planning

Pre-meeting is the point at which the idea of having a threesome remains aloof and abstract. It is the point where the couple explores the idea with no formal contact is made with a potential third person.

Fantasy Exploration

At this stage the idea of having a threesome is theoretical and abstract. This means the idea is explored globally in a non-threatening way, such as sharing a fantasy during foreplay and the specifics about having a threesome evades the couple. Below are two possible strategies employed to test the idea of having a threesome is seen as something that will happen in the distant future. Essentially this stage is where the couple tries getting comfortable enough with the idea by exploring the idea as a theoretical idea before moving to discuss the idea as a possibility.

Foreplay / Bedroom

This is where the idea can be informally introduced as a part of “pillow talk” or introduced as a part of foreplay.  Introducing the idea of having a threesome through foreplay or “pillow-talk” does not always happen first and sometimes it might happen later in the process. The purpose here, this author feels, is to gage their partner’s reaction to the idea and present it in a non-threatening way.  Furthermore this stage differs from using fantasy as a role-playing tool since the idea of having a threesome is still foreign to the couple and the fantasy is very intangible that is missing a lot of the elements that are required for role-playing.

At this point, it is impossible to plan a threesome since the discussions is about the fantasy of having a threesome rather than the reality of it thereby being impossible to know what each person feels about the idea of having a threesome.

Discretely Testing the Idea

The idea maybe tested before talking about the idea. Typically this could involve talking about topics relating to threesomes such as cheating, what makes a relationship last, or media topics relating to threesomes. Alternatively this may show up in other ways such as watching threesome porn or talking about celebrities or people they find attractive. This approach is very broad gauge that may not always be accurate, about general attitudes towards threesomes and how their partner might respond to the suggestion of having a threesome.

2) Planning

Up until now the idea of having a threesome remained abstract and theoretical. During this stage the idea begins moving from being something intangible to something more tangible. Planning means, initial steps are taken planning the threesome and if this stage is successful then steps are taken to find a third person. Normally the planning stage will occur first and once enough discussion has occurred here and an understanding regarding the structure of the threesome is agreed then meeting the third person occurs. Once the couple meets the third person this stage then occurs simultaneously with the meeting stage, as the couple further review, modifies, and make any changes to their initial plan.

Initial Discussion

There is some indication, either through fantasy exploration or desire to have a threesome that a conversation regarding having a threesome occurs outside of the bedroom. At this stage, the idea of having a threesome becomes tangible. Discussing what it might like to have a threesome, the potential impact, and issues may occur on a global scale. However the specifics of the threesome, the timing of it, and if it is going to happen still remain somewhat intangible. Many couples do not get beyond this stage due to personal beliefs or the threesome being proposed is not the type of threesome they want; however those who can get beyond this stage will begin further discussions regarding having a threesome.

Further Discussions

This may occur shortly after the initial discussion or a significant time after the initial discussion. These discussions regard more specific aspects of having a threesome, such as boundaries, the type of person to invite, and where to have it. The timing of this stage may take anywhere from a very short amount of time to a few years to complete.

Simulating / Testing the Idea

This is an optional stage where the couple may find ways of getting comfortable with the idea of having a threesome or understanding how they might react. At this stage the couple may try role playing the idea, going to a lap dance club, posting photos on the internet, or other ways of testing their level of comfort with the idea. In many ways this optional stage is meant to give the couple an opportunity to take “baby steps” towards having a threesome. It does not mean they will have one but it serves as a way of preparing to have one.

Search

At this point enough communication has occurred that indicates there is an interest in having a threesome either by agreement to begin the search or behavior indicating an interest exists. Once searching begins it is usually done in conjunction with the further discussion stage to ensure the threesome is being handled correctly.

3) Meeting

At this stage, based on the couple’s discussion during the planning phase, the couple has begun searching for a third person to join them in a threesome.

Initial Contact

Depending on the strategy used the initial contact can be either via email or in person.  During this stage the couple and the third person discover more about each other.

Meeting the Third Person (Optional)

If the initial conversations occurred via email then a meeting is arranged. All three meet and if the agreement is made there is enough common interest for a threesome to occur then it will occur. The threesome might occur immediately after or it might occur shortly thereafter if the meeting was a meet and greet.

4) Threesome

At this stage the threesome occurs as planned

5) Post Threesome

Debriefing

Couple talks through the threesome and finds a way to reconnect afterwards. This does not necessarily need to be a long drawn out process and can be done fairly quickly.

Next Steps

After the threesome has occurred the couple decides if they will continue with having another threesome of if they are going to take a break.

Simulating a threesome


Introduction

How do you have a threesome without actually having it? Maybe your question is, how do you take small steps that safely allows exploring the idea of having threesome? Answer, there are a variety of ways and this article will examine a few of the techniques available.

Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk:

Sharing the idea as a fantasy as a part of foreplay, during sex, after sex is a great way for creating an erotic encounter or maintaining interest. The great thing about this is it can be spontaneous where your minds can run wild, it is easy for each person to maintain their comfort zone and it does not require a lot of preparation. A major drawback, it is easy for the line between fantasy and reality to become blurred. Unless the discussion shifts from fantasy to discussing the making it a reality during the ‘cold-hard light of day’ then assume the idea remains a fantasy.

Watching Porn

At first I debated if this should be included in the ‘Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk,’ section and I decided to make its own section. Watching threesome porn, this author feels, is a great way to share the fantasy and if the couple chooses, us it as a way to start the discussion about having a threesome. Also, it can serve as a way to get new techniques and ideas for fantasies. It is important to remember porn is fantasy that shows professional actors acting about a threesome fantasy. This means it is unrealistic to expect a real threesome to be similar to a porn movie.

Role Playing

Role playing a threesome essentially is simulating the idea of having a threesome as real for the couple as possible. Before the role play starts a safe-word, a word that could not be confused as a part of the act, should be chosen and used to stop the role play if it becomes too uncomfortable for a participant. Next step involves the role-play itself. It can be as simple as a fantasy description during foreplay using toys or fingers to simulate the third person. On the more elaborate side, it can be an elaborate play whereby the couple develops a scene. The scene can be the woman going into a bar flirting with another guy while her partner watches from a distance or it can be her male partner pretending to be someone else who seduces her without her husband knowing about it. It is important to note, if the scene involves people who may unknowingly participate it can cause problems and potentially put safety at risk. Finally even though simulating a threesome may be arousing actually having one maybe different. Therefore, it is always to important to remember there is a difference between the fantasy of having a threesome and actually having a threesome. The difference lies in the fact during the fantasy each participant remains in control of what happens but during a real threesome the ability to control the situation, to a great extent is lost, since the outcome is dependent on the third person’s interaction with the couple.

Sex Toys

Sex toys provide a great way to explore the idea of having a threesome without actually having one. They can be used in conjunction with role playing or used on their own. This is one area where creativity and imagination can be limitless.

Lap Dancing Club

Attending a lap dancing club is another way to simulate having a threesome but be prepared to be charged money. By attending a lap dancing club the sex is simulated and usually with the client not being able to touch the dancer. It can give a powerful visual representation of what a threesome might be like but again it is not a real threesome.

Swingers Club

There is a misrepresentation that you must participate if you go to a swingers club and generally speaking it is not the case. Attending a swingers club to meet people and to watch can provide a perspective that may not be open to you. It can provide some insight and make having a threesome as real as possible without actually having it. With that said, it is important to agree to boundaries before going and be prepared if approached to politely, yet assertively, tell people that you are not looking to play that evening. If you are not comfortable telling people ‘no’ then you may find putting yourself and / or your partner in a situation that they would rather not find themselves. Finally before going for your first time it is recommended to contact the club. They will advise you and arrange for you to join. Normally a swingers club will charge a membership fee. Usually the fee is to meet legal requirements along with attracting the type of clientele they want.

Soft-swinging

As an author, I debated if I should include soft-swinging since it involves another person. However after much though I decided to include it since it does not involve having sex with the third person and in my view, soft-swinging is the closest the couple can have simulating a threesome without it actually occurring. Soft-swinging by definition means sexual activity does occur but penetration does not. This can be anything from having someone watch you having sex to kissing, fondling with clothes all the way to rimming. As a technique for simulating a threesome soft-swinging can provide a transition for a couple wanting a full-swap threesome but is not ready for it. Likewise for a couple who wants to remain monogamous to each other then soft-swinging can provide the best of both worlds, the ability to have a limited threesome while remaining monogamous to each other.

Posting Pictures on amateur sites:

Nothing can be more exciting than taking a few suggestive then posting online and then reading the comments. The comments then can serve as fuel for further fantasies, give further ideas, and add a few sparks back. If you are going to do the above then ensure the whole process is transparent (e.g. user name, password, and all information is accessible) and boundaries are agreed about how far the experience will go. It is easy to to get ‘taken-away’ by the moment and go further then you might be willing to go.

Web Cam

Some may remember when web cams first came out, the issues with video streaming and having the computer recognize the camera. With web cams becoming inexpensive, high speed broadband, and faster processors the problems with web cams have been resolved. For a couple that wants the experience of having a threesome without the STD / STI then “camming” provides an alternative. Probably the biggest drawback, in this author’s opinion, for “camming” is the risk of being discovered or your computer being hit by a virus. The latter can be reduced by using good internet security software, using reputable sites, and practicing safe internet surfing habits.

Conclusion

The above does show there is a way a couple, who may want a threesome but is reluctant to have a full-swap, can explore their interest without actually having a threesome.  Each option has its advantages, disadvantage, and risks; however, it is up to each couple to decide which one(s) suits them the best.

Suggesting a threesome – What does it mean?


Indian bisexual ménage à trois. Miniature from...Does Suggesting a Threesome Means the Relationship is over?

Introduction

Imagine your significant other stating, “I want a threesome,” and with those four words, your world suddenly changes. All of a sudden a flurry of emotions hit you and it feels as though your relationship is over. After the emotions hit then the deluge of questions come: How could they suggest it? Why am I not good enough? Are they bisexual? Don’t they love me? These are some of the questions that play like a tape in your head. How do you respond? Do you cry, get upset, or deal with it rationally? It seems beyond any logical explanation as to why after years of being together your partner suddenly suggests a threesome. Before responding, it might be worth reading this article and thinking through your response.

Reality, there are many reasons as to why your partner may have suggested a threesome that seems, ‘out of the blue’ and the starting point is to examine the events leading up to the suggestion in order to get some context. This article will examine some of the possible reasons and perceived reasons why they may ask for a threesome.

They have someone in mind

It is possible there is someone else and by asking the right questions it will become clearer. Even if they have approached someone it could mean they are overly enthusiastic about the idea because they thought you would agree and therefore, it is important that you speak with them about it before deciding there reason for wanting a threesome is because they want to be with someone else.

They no longer love me

If they were no longer in love with you then most likely they will not suggest a threesome and probably opt for cheating or leaving the relationship.

They are gay / bisexual

This is a possible explanation especially if there are other signs that indicate this. It could be that they are curious about what it is like to be with someone of the same gender. If there is a curiosity then it may be something they want to explore and after no more than few times it may be something that they loose interest in doing. In many situations this is most likely not the situation and another explanation may better explain the reason.

Fantasy

It could be they are sharing a fantasy with you and as the fantasy is shed for the reality of having a threesome, they may either loose interest or they are moving slower to make the idea happen.

Friend / Co-worker is bragging about their experience

Unlike 5 or 10 years ago, having a threesome is less taboo. This means people are more willing to talk about the experience and share their experience with their friends or co-workers. When these stories are shared typically the more salacious details are disclosed in order to make it more interesting while ignoring the rest. If this is the case your partner became intrigued with the idea after hearing about their friend’s / co-worker’s experience.

Trust / Opportunities

Your partner may have an enlightened view of relationships and sex. It is possible they have suggested having a threesome as a way to demonstrate that they trust you and they do not want you to feel confined to a relationship. Essentially they want to give you an opportunity to explore your sexuality and develop a relationship with you.

Solidifying the relationship

This can happen early in a relationship. Typically the woman suggests by the threesome in order to show their partner they are sexually adventurous and can be open minded. Normally the threesome is done as a one-off or a few times before the couple becomes monogamous.

Comfort / Security

Your partner may feel comfortable and secure in the relationship. Thereby, suggesting a threesome shows they do not see it as a threat to the relationship and would like to explore the idea. This does not mean that they have fully thought through the idea nor does it guarantee that the threesome will be successful. Instead it suggests a person who feels the relationship is working and would like to do some exploration.

Taking the next step / misread cues

Your partner may have suggested the idea during foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of having sex. They may have assumed because you seemed open to the idea then that you will be open to the idea now.

Your partner’s view and beliefs about relationships

It may be your partner has a progressive view regarding sex and relationships; by suggesting a threesome they may be communicating to you their ideas of where they want to see the relationship go.

Relationship issues

Normally this is not the case, but if the relationship has become stale or mundane then suggesting a threesome could indicate that it is be sought in order to ‘fix’ the relationship.

Life Changes

A typical time to see this happening, this author believes, is during the ages mid 30 – 50s or when children leave home. Also after a life event that forces some self-reflection and forces a change in behavior.  Finally as we grow older and have different experiences our views change. It is possible someone, when younger, opposed threesomes but as they age their views change. Therefore it is possible attitudes towards having a threesome have changed due aging and experience.

Sees you as their life-partner / soul mate

There is a theory that states, threesomes is a method of ensuring that a relationship endures by giving their partner the freedom to have other sexual partners while doing openly within the confines of their relationship. By providing the freedom to have other sexual partners it minimizes the risk of cheating and helps improve communication thereby helping maintaining the relationship. This is backed up by some statistics that shows approximately 25% of couples who have been married more than 10 years have had at least one threesome. While 25% is well below half, it is about twice as much of the general population thereby suggesting for some couples it does have a role.

As an author, I am well aware of the ethical dilemma studying an issue of threesomes in married life can cause. Since more statistics regarding threesomes are surveys and heavily influenced by how the question is written and who answers the question, I do not put a lot of weight on them.

Regarding the validity and reliability of the above theory, I believe there is some merit to it since life-expectancy is growing. However, as an author, I believe there is a lot more that goes into a successful relationship than having a threesome and I believe it maybe one element, if done correctly and for the right reasons, can contribute to it.

Finally / Conclusion

The above are generic explanations as for possible reasons why your partner might unexpectedly suggest a threesome. It does not mean the above list is an exhaustive list covering all possible explanations. Instead it is means there are many reasons why they may have suggested it; thereby requiring you to think about your feelings on the subject based on their suggestion and speaking with your partner about their reasons for suggesting a threesome before giving a reply. Only by speaking to them and putting into context their reason will you begin to understand their reason for suggesting the idea and by speaking with them about it, will it help to improve your relationship with them. Finally whatever you decide should be based on your beliefs on what you feel is best for you and not what others want.