How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?
After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?
In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.
Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.
Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.
If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them. Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.
1) What type of work do you do?
2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:
a) What type of threesome?
b) Was it a positive experience for you?
c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?
d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?
3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?
4) Do you practice safe-sex?
5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:
a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:
1) Can we meet them?
2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?
3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?
b) How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?
6) What are your boundaries?
a) What do you like?
b) What do you not like?
c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?
7) What is your preferred position to have sex?
8) Other than alcohol or drugs, what can we do to help you to relax?
9) What is your expectation of us?
10) Any questions for us?
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23 thoughts on “Questions for a couple to ask the third person”
This reminds me of that “Application for Sex” joke years ago. What is the purpose of the first question? It seems to me that interviewing someone for a sexual liaison that’s supposed to be impersonal tends to ask quite a few personal questions… like that first one. I can see the other questions being asked… but that first one kinda threw me for a loop…
When starting out there is a tendency to rush without asking questions. Only to discover the person selected is not the right choice. Questions listed are meant as a starting point.
I agree… but why the first question? How does that play into the selection process?
First question does play a role in the section process by acting as a very broad honesty check and a very broad honesty checker. For example if someone say to me they are a programmer and list themselves on their profile as being outgoing, my first instinct would be a ‘yellow flag.’ From my experience working with programmers, many programmers tend to be introverted and not really social unless they are around people they know well. I would then use my experience from dealing with that group of people to see if they are the exception or if they are truly introverted or shy. If they did seem to be shy or introverted, it might be a sign, that there may not be a connection since our preference is for outgoing people. Likewise if their profile states they travel a lot and it is their reason for being in the area. The type of job they state would indicate if they traveled regularly like their profile states or if they are withholding information. Essentially the job question gives a very broad idea of their personality, their compatibility, and honesty.
A Final reason for it using it, this question is a good icebreaker. At least from my experience, one way to get people to relax so you can have a good conversation with them is to get them to talk about themselves and talking about the job that they is one way of doing it. Granted most people who are meeting for the first time and have concerns about privacy will not go into details about their employer. Nonetheless, it is a good opener to start a conversation and it is a minimally threatening question, in most cases. From there it is easier to ask other questions that may be more difficult to ask.
I used to be a programmer… and I sure don’t fit that description at all so using that question would get you a false positive… because a job doesn’t necessarily define the person doing it. I just found the question to be odd, given how private people are; staying below the radar and even on the DL (the down-low) about this is a priority for many people so why assume they’d answer the question in the first place?
And if they didn’t deign to answer, would you assume they had something to hide… in a situation all parties would rather remain hidden?
The example I used would not necessary lead to a false positive, the answer would lead in flagging the response to ask more questions as follow-ups and make observations.
I agree, a lot of people like to stay below the radar and be discreet as possible. However people do like to talk about themselves, even if it is in very broad and non-descriptive terms. Using the first question, I would expect a very broad answer and in many cases the expectation would be the third person might avoid it.
As for question about would I assume they had something to hide if they did not answer the question? Generally speaking no I would not but I would take the lack of response in context with other questions to determine if they had something to hide. One question alone does not mean they have something to hide but their pattern of responses to various questions can indicate it.
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Always a good topic – and find that circumstance usually dictates the conversation and questions I ask: depends on the answers too. Most important lesson I have learned however is that just because I asked does not mean I am being given the truth either – we who seek to involve others in the marital bed sort of have our own flag system (you mentioned a yellow flag) which is so true for us here as well.
If I am posting something myself (profile or ad) of course I would list a few things I wish to find in a potential third but that does not mean I get what I ask for, so I think you are right to point out that ASKING is important. It also goes to show that the couple has communicated amongst themselves as well.
Sometimes there is a good flow of information coming from a potential third, they are open to communicating their desires and who they are – I am always relieved when someone manages to communicate with a sense of humour – however when it comes to sex online we do have to sell ourselves (a couple) to others but we try hard to balance risk with reward: writing that first response email can be a delicate thing.
However I will say that first question, perhaps a cultural thing ( ? ), is never on my list of things to ask people – I want to assure my husband and I a certain amount of privacy, if I were to ask that question I too am agreeing to respond to the same. I do want the third person to also feel a sense of safety with their information. Does career dictates if someone is compatible with us? Well that again depends because we all know sometimes seeking a third is for one time encounter. Sometimes the third can move on to a more intimate agreement where you will see that person again, but certainly it does come out what people do for employment the more time you spend with them.
Question #8: I see a lot of postings for 420 friendly people, but I will say in all honesty that I make it very clear I do not need to drink in order for this to happen (no liquid courage required) and on first encounter the only substance we are willing to deal with is cigarettes: again this might be cultural but I have never been comfortable with the idea that a stranger can drink here and drive home and I could be held responsible. I find that not offering to provide or saying I am open to substances allows me some power to deny someone entry to my home if they show up shit faced. If I gave off the impression it was party time, that I was okay with something being consumed, I would then have to also consider my civic responsibility: provide them a room to spend the night? How much legal risk am I willing to take with a stranger? Yes I know, to each their own but this is my response.
I always make sure to offer OUR information while asking for theirs and our priority questions/info in first communication:
Single or married? As a couple we agreed no married men/women (unless the couple shows up).
Bisexual or straight? My husband is straight but I am less attracted sexually to bisexual men.
Have experience with couples? Important for me to let them know we have some experience and asses theirs. Allows me to be aware of potential pitfalls with firs timers – and the communication is a lot different for us with first timers than with someone with experience. Shy penis happens and its important to at least start the conversation with some eager first timers.
Safe sex/STI/Medical history – medical condition they might want to share. This one is important for me, as I have had the sad experience of being with someone sexually that had a heart attack and I was unaware of their poor health. I will be very honest and say there have been many occasions where someone’s medical condition has changed my willingness to involve them with us and in our home.
Availability. This one I like a lot, someone who is only free during work hours during the week I usually look at with more suspicion – I know it might very well be for good reason but as you mentioned we do have flags.
Able to host? Though more often than not, we prefer to host in our home, but I use this question to weed out potential cheaters and answer should be consistent with above answer. I am not judging what other people do in their marriage it is my agreement with my husband, his wishes, that we do not knowingly involve married men/women. If they are unable to host they are more likely to be pushed back as a potential for us (some people have children on weekends or live with roomates so it helps us to ask and circumstance again dictates).
I always make it clear this is very much a couples thing for us: no it will not just be me, that my husband will not be sitting the next room, nor is he just holding the camera that my husband is very much involved. I think this is where I assess if someone is capable of dealing with the reality, not the fantasy, of accidental touching. It happens!
I also take the time to thank them, even if their answers take them out of the running, for answering me honestly and trusting me with their story – but again I like this entry as a good starting point and ideas.
Thank you for you thoughtful and thorough reply. It is very much appreciated.
To begin with, I agree the initial contact is important as it will impact future contacts and it requires striking a delicate balance between competing needs, the need to asses the risk versus coming across as being sociable. The more at ease people can be with each other from the start, the greater chance of success and the less effort is needed.
Next, you ask if the job question #1, is a cultural thing and I find that is a good observation. I have lived in a few countries and done extensive international traveling. Interestingly and strictly speaking from my experience, if I were to ask this question in a post 9/11 US I would expect it would be met with some suspicion. However, if I were to ask it elsewhere, like in the UK or Israel, I tend to find it is a bit more well received. By a bit more well received I am not saying if I ask it 100 times in the UK, for example, I would get 90 favorable responses versus 40 in the US. Instead it means the questions I ask, is in part, based on my location and the knowledge of the area and I find, generally speaking, this question based on my experience to be well received.
The difference raises an interesting question, why? I am not going to dwell a lot on it since it will detract from my reply. Suffice it to say, it could be the impact of 9/11 of America or it could be American culture. I am not saying this to be offensive, but if you go to any international airport or a foreign country Americans, at least for me, tend to be very easy to spot by their behavior. This indicates to me the difference in response to this question may have something to do with culture.
Moving on, this blog lists 10 very general questions and it is my expectation anyone reading it would asses it based on their experience to determine its suitability. It is not meant to be the quintessential list but a very general guide of possible questions worth considering.
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