Having an uncomplicated threesome


 

Painting by Édouard-Henri Avril: two men and a...

Introduction

Couples are repeatedly told feelings have no place in a threesome where the goal of the encounter is not a long-term relationship (e.g. cuckolding, menage da trios, or polyamory. At first the advice sounds practical, and realistic. However after reflecting more the realization sex and feelings are interlinked is apparent.  This realization makes planning a threesome difficult for those who want to minimize any emotional involvement with the invited third person. In many ways it is similar to a ‘friend with benefits’ relationship. So, how do you have a threesome or a soft-swinging experience without becoming emotionally attached to the third person?

Basics

For starters having a threesome is counterintuitive for most people that require unlearning or modifying some of the ‘rules’ regarding sex. There are some who will say this is easier for men since men can keep emotions from sex but it is not as easy for women to do. However, when it comes to a threesome both men and women are equally prone to the influence of feelings after having a threesome.  A part of this has to do with sex being and intimate experience that creates a temporary bond with the third person and women, generally speaking look for form relationships. This means men tend to look to sex as an act whereas a women look to sex as a way of forming a relationship. In any event, learning how to keep manage feelings after a threesome is crucial if the object is to minimize emotional attachments afterwards.

Bonding

In order for a bond to occur, this author feel, there must be at least a physical attraction and for an attraction to occur there must be some similarity, common interest between three people. The greater the common interests the greater the chance the bond will be strong.

Regarding the threesome, this author feels, the strength of the bond is proportional to the amount of time taken communicating before the threesome occurs and the degree to which all three share common interests.

Strategies – Structural

Strength of Relationship

The starting point of ensuring a threesome does not adversely impact a couple’s relationship is the strength of their relationship. A couple that has a strong relationship, this author feels, has a better chance of a successful threesome than a couple that has a relationship that is struggling. By having a strong relationship, this author feels, a couple can work through any issue that comes up and be more likely not to be influenced by the third person.

Communication with the third person

Having a full threesome or soft-swinging is about sex. This means getting to know the third person is not like dating, it is not about developing a friendship and it is not about knowing their whole life-story. Instead it is getting enough information from the third person to assess their risk to you and to know if there is enough of an attraction to have a threesome. This means communicating with the third person is more detached, in order to protect the couple from becoming emotionally involved with the third person.  Without such an approach, this author feels, the risk of becoming emotionally attached to the third person greatly increases.

Strategies – Boundaries

One Off

One strategy a couple can employ as a part of their boundaries for a threesome is limiting the threesome to a one-time, one-off, with the third person and once the threesome is over then having no further communication with them.

Vacation / Holiday

Another boundary a couple can employ is having their threesome while on holiday/ vacation. This provides the couple a chance to have it and a good chance they will not see the person again thereby limiting any bond with the third person. Again, couple should not maintain communication with the third person after they finish their vacation / holiday.

Distance to travel

Finding someone a significant distance from where you live is another strategy / boundary a couple can employ. Finding someone who is, for example, 50 or 100+ miles away makes it difficult to remain in contact. It also means traveling to them or them traveling to you is an expense and making any meetings less frequent than if they were nearby.

Stranger

A reason for using a stranger instead of a friend, co-worker, or an ex is due to the fact there is not an emotional bond that exists. Choosing a stranger means the ‘relationship’ is new and it can be defined on the basis of the threesome. Then once the threesome is over, the purpose of the ‘relationship’ has been met and it can come to an end. This means from a theoretical perspective choosing a stranger offers the flexibility of developing and maintaining a ‘relationship’ based on the physical enjoyment of sex rather than forming a ‘relationship’ based on feelings.

Third person selection

Instinctively we choose people that are similar to us and share similar interests. Having a threesome means departing from that instinct and focusing on choosing someone based on their fit in the threesome. In this case it means choosing someone who is somewhat dissimilar to us while at the same time choosing someone similar enough where we can have at least a physical attraction to them.  If you were to put this in the context of a dating situation, this author feels, it would be a situation where someone is physically appealing but you do not make an emotional connection due to too much dissimilarity.

Conclusion

Essentially, being able to keep feelings developing for the third person comes down to keeping an emotional distance from them and not developing a friendship with them. This is not as easy as it sounds. However by employing strategies that minimizes bonding and limit the time taken in getting to know the third person, can increase the chance that having that having a threesome without the emotional complications can occur. Likewise, choosing the third person based on physical attraction instead of shared common interests can go a long way in preventing feelings from developing. Keeping feelings out of having a threesome can go a long way in ensuring the couple’s relationship remains intact and provide a low stress environment for the threesome.

 

12 thoughts on “Having an uncomplicated threesome

  1. This is such a well thought-out piece! Novices may think that all they have to do is find a third, get naked, and get busy – but you are letting them know that it’s not as easy as they may think and by getting them to understand the full dynamics in play here, they can make better choices and have much better experiences.

    Good work – damned good work!

    • Thank you again for your kind comments. If you are going to have a threesome and you want it to work then some thought must be put into it. The biggest challenge, this author feels, is choosing the third person. Instinctively, since there is very little information out there, couples rely on their dating experiences in choosing the third person. While this may work for a cuckold, menage da trios, or a threesome relationship, that is meant to be long-term; if a couple is opting for a threesome that is short-term then approaching the threesome like a dating situation, whereby creating an emotional bond is the objective, is the wrong approach. If the couple is looking for the threesome to be short-term with the same third person, then this author feels, couple needs to employ some strategies to keep them from developing an emotional bond with the third person and if they cannot keep it from happening then it can bring up issues later for them. Hopefully this article will get the reader to think there is more in having a threesome then getting naked and doing it.

      • The clear and present danger in any of this is the emotional bond no one wants to happen. It’s possible to set rules and conditions to prevent this from happening but sex, well, it has a way of being able to unlock someone’s emotions and you just never know when that’s gonna happen.

        Too many times I’ve heard couples say that such a thing would never happen to them… and Murphy’s Law kicks in and brings chaos to their lives. I know when I got into this many years ago, it was easier for us to accept that, yeah, this can happen to us and the biggest thing to worry about would be handling it if it should happen.

        So novices should understand that saying the emotional bond has to be avoided at all costs and actually warding it off just ain’t the same thing because if it can go wrong, it will go wrong.

        • You are correct, it is easy to say avoid developing an emotional bond at all cost but the reality is it does happen, many times unexpectedly. The best thing a novice couple can do is be aware of this risk, be aware if feelings / bond begins to form and act accordingly to prevent it from interfering with their relationship. Blindly walking into a threesome and being blind about the fact feelings can occur in a threesome is probably one of the biggest fatal mistakes a couple can make.

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