Etiquette of accommodating


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Imagine, for a moment, the two of you believe you found someone that might make a great third person. They ask if, as a couple, you will accommodate them. Then, all of a sudden the possible threesome appears to be at the brink of collapsing because of the issue of accommodating, what do you do?

Accommodating, means you will at the very minimum you will host the threesome and most likely provide them with a place to stay for the night. Hosting means making the arrangements for the place fo the threesome to occur and if necessary, providing a place to stay.

There are at least two schools of thoughts. First is a social perspective that is founded on the principles of being a good host and taking care of your guest. This means the person(s) planning the threesome takes care of all of the details including where to have the threesome, ensuring everyone is comfortable and providing a place to stay for the third person. Essentially, when using the perspective, all of the details are taken care of and the threesome can happen freely without worry about time.

Second perspective, is factoring in distance. Like the social perspective whereby the host takes care of the details, the difference lies in providing accommodation. Under the distance perspective, if the couple and the third person do not need to travel far, typically less than 50 miles, to have the threesome then the person(s) arranging the threesome will not provide accommodation.

This brings up the question, if accommodating is required, what are the rules? Typically if it is the couple that is hosting then they will ideally discuss this prior to finding someone for a threesome, as a part of their initial discussion. A part of the discussion should focus around the topic of becoming emotionally attached, if the third person stays in their bed and the risk it can pose.

From an etiquette perspective there is nothing wrong with, if the couple has the space available asking the third person to sleep in a guest bedroom. This will help to keep an emotional distance between the couple and the third person. Likewise there is nothing wrong with having the third person stay in the bed with the couple provided the couple is comfortable with the idea and communicate their boundary to the third person.

In contrast, if it is the invited third person hosting their focus should be making the couple comfortable. This would mean discussing with the couple their plans for accommodating to ensure the couple is comfortable with the idea. This author feels if it is the first time the three are together and it is the third person hosting then careful consideration should be given to place the couple in the guest room in order to give them time to reconnect after the threesome and to talk privately about any issues that may have com up.

For some it may appear that if the third person is hosting then there is more of a restriction on them, from an etiquette standpoint. The reason for difference goes to the topic of dynamics. If the couple is hosting the threesome then they are aware of the plans, they have had the necessary discussions, and they are in control of the threesome. However, if it is the third person hosting then, to some extent, the couple is not aware of the plans of the third person. By placing the couple is a guest bedroom is to protect the couple from undue influence from the third person on the couple’s relationship, it shows the couple the third person respects their relationship and it gives the couple a chance to reconnect.

Another question that gets asked the extent, to which, the person accommodating should provide for their guest(s). This author feels if the third person is staying at their home then only the basics should be provided, such as: a separate toothbrush, toothpaste, towels, feminine hygiene products, and a clean bed. Then in the morning providing them with something to eat and drink before leaving. Furthermore this author does not feel accommodation should go as far as paying for the hotel room or paying for their travelling expenses since, in some jurisdictions, this may border on prostitution.

This brings up a fundamental question, regardless of the perspective, how comfortable are the participants with accommodating. If the threesome is to occur and spending the night together is an issue then all three must be comfortable with the idea. Being comfortable means it does not elicit any negative feelings (e.g. anger, jealous) and the couple believes it will not harm the relationship. If either is present then accommodating might cause more harm then good.

Last question accommodating brings up, regards boundaries. Boundaries in this situation can be detailed. If the couple will be sleeping separately from the third person then boundaries become less complex. In this author’s opinion the main boundaries that need to be discussed includes the when the third person will leave and communication with the couple after the threesome. However if all three will stay in the same bed then more issues need to be explored. Typical issues to be considered includes: touching in bed, contact allowed where each person will sleep, and other issues based on the threesome being planned. Without taking time to establish boundaries regarding accommodating then it is likely to create some negative feelings that could ruin the threesome.

In answering the question regarding accommodation two fundamental questions should be answered. First is the distance needed to be travelled and the impact on the couple’s relationship. If the distance for travelling to have a threesome is less than 50 miles or the couple feels it might adversely impact their relationship then accommodating should not occur. Likewise if there is a significant distance to travel or the couple is open to the idea then accommodating, at a minimum, should be discussed. Before any accommodating occurs there should be agreement about boundaries and how it will operate.

13 thoughts on “Etiquette of accommodating

  1. As I read this nicely written piece, it came to mind that when making a three- or foursome connection, no one has ever asked to be accommodated. The way I see it, there are three options here: Our place, your place, some other place. If at our place, we don’t just want to screw you – we want you to feel welcome in our home and if you have to stay, okay, no biggie; that’s why we have a really big bed and an extra room, plenty of towels, stuff like that. At some other place, say, a hotel, then if we approached them, we will offer to pay for the place… but wouldn’t turn down an offer to split the cost.

    If at their place – and maybe it’s just me – but I would expect the same courtesy from them as we would extend to them… so when going to their place to throw down, we would come ready if we’re to stay – that’s what they make those little travel bags for. But during the negotiation phase, I would expect them to tell us what the deal is being at their place – and go from there and I’d even ask if this was going to be a one-night affair or an extended one. So the common sense here is to hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

    But I do understand that not everyone would see this situation as I/we would and that people are just funny about such things, like, you can bang the guy’s wife along with him in their bedroom… but if you stay, you get to sleep on the couch.

    • I agree, accommodating is an issue that does not come up allot. However the issue of accommodating does come up for those who lives in a rural town where the town knows everyone’s business. This means for them they have to look fare enough outside of the town where they can participate without their neighbors knowing.

      Also, I like the insight you provide about the three options, thank you.

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