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Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Mary Street

Introduction

It is Wednesday and excitement is building to the weekend when the threesome is will be happening. Every free moment ideas run rampant about what it is going to be like and what is going to happen. Discussions continue and refinements are made to the boundaries. Then finally it happens and everything about it is wonderful. At this point, it seems to be a perfectly executed threesome. Shortly after the thrill of the threesome begins wearing off, feelings begin to happen. Feelings of guilt, cheating / being cheated on, and remorse begin to take over. What happened? Why are these feelings happening? There are many possible answers to this question and to explore this topic in great detail will require a book. However, this author will briefly explore and provide their opinion on some of the more common reasons.

Social & Religious messaging about relationships

Western society programs its citizens from an early age, loving relationships involve two people and a sexual practice where another is invited into the relationship is deviant.  For many this messaging becomes a cornerstone on which our belief about relationships and partner selection is based.  Furthermore there are very limited role models that are open about alternative sexual practices and it leaves many who have an interest in the practice feeling participating in an activity like a threesome is in some how wrong. This can mean for some people, the idea of having a threesome remains abstract until it happens and once it does, it can trigger feelings that it is wrong because it is not socially or religiously accepted.

Impulsivity / Lack of Communication

Impulsivity in this blog takes on a slightly different meaning then its dictionary meaning. It means rushing to have a threesome without taking time to consider the idea, establish boundaries, and debrief afterwards.  Taking the necessary steps to have a threesome is vital. It allows for a discussion of the idea, a discussion of feelings, and it allows for the establishment of a safety net whereby each participant knows the limit of the planned threesome. Without taking the time to plan the threesome, important points will be missed. It is this author’s feeling negative feeling about having a threesome after it happens may mean the threesome went beyond a personal comfort level because of the lack of boundaries.  It could also mean debriefing, talking about the threesome and feelings, did not occur or it could mean since limited discussion occurred important points about the threesome where missed. Essentially the negative feeling under this heading is due to a lack of communication regarding having a threesome.

Communication

Unlike the above heading communication does occur. However in this circumstance the issue results from the wrong type of communication occurring, meaning necessary topics were not being discussed or not being discussed to the extent they should. The other problem with communication is the lack of understanding of what is being discussed. This could mean assumptions were being made, everyone had a different idea, or the topic was not clear. Essentially miscommunication was occurring.

Choosing the Third Person

Choosing the third person is vital to the success of a threesome, this author feels. Instead of taking the time to screen the individual and taking the time to ensure they fit; instead the couple opts for them because of their convenience.  Typical choice that is made based convenience maybe a friend, co-worker, or ex-lover. These choices, along with other possible choices, may mean there are some feelings and a relationship. By selecting someone where there is a relationship and at some level feelings, can lead to a conflict of feelings. The conflict arises from having sex with them and the history that exists. This means choosing the third person can have an impact on feelings afterwards.

Environment

Environment means where the threesome occurred, how it occurred, and the interaction of various components that makes up the threesome. This can be anything that can trigger feelings of cheating, such as visiting a cheap hotel in order to protect privacy, to getting drunk  and / or high to have the threesome.

The Individual

Unlike the reasons discussed in this blog that can trigger the feeling, this reason implies the individual has control over how feel and choose to respond to the feeling.

This author believes we are responsible for how we choose to feel about a situation. We can choose to have a threesome and then choose how we feel about it. For example Mary & George, a fictitious couple, choose to have a two female threesome and decide to define cheating as an intentional or reckless disregard for their agreed boundaries. Mary decides to have her first woman on woman experience, which is within their agreed boundaries. To her surprise she enjoyed it and found afterwards it created a flurry of emotions for her, including feeling as though she cheated. Mary has two choices.  She can choose to allow her feelings to dominate her thoughts and allow them to impact how she responds. Alternatively Mary can choose to accept, as a couple who defined cheating she did not cheat, and choose view the experience as an enjoyable experience that taught her something about herself.

Conclusion

What causes negative feelings, such as feeling as though you have cheated after a threesome? The answer can be quite complex that is dependent on the individual, the threesome, and their environment. Most likely a definitive answer cannot be given and the best that could be done is having the individual consider changing the way they view the event. Without having a positive view of the experience and talking about it afterwards, it is likely negative feelings will develop.

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Basic etiquette for a male wanting mmf threesome

Posted in Threesomes by

Remember they are a couple

 

You may be thinking that having a threesome is a quick way to get laid without having the complication of a relationship. Unfortunately this is not the case and you will have to form a relationship that is similar to a working relationship with them. During your communications with them if you only focus on the woman, getting laid, or your “assets,” there is a good chance you will not be considered. This is due to the fact that he male half of the couple normally acts as a gatekeeper and you won’t get past him if you ignore him. Best bet is to include both in your communications, let him know you respect him, you respect her, and you respect them as a couple. This does not mean you have to give the male half equal attention. Instead it means you need to recognize her partner enters into the equation and by ignoring him you are most likely killing your chances of being considered for a threesome with them.

 

In any communication be courteous and genuine.

 

Courtesy, honesty, and genuineness goes a long way with a couple. Trying to be someone who you are not, lying about yourself, or being rude will not get you far. Swearing, using colloquialisms, and being too casual is likely to work to your detriment. If a couple suspects that you are lying, not who you say you are, or disrespectful trust will not be developed. Without developing a level of trust with the couple there is no chance that a threesome will occur.

 

When responding to online ads respond to the information in the ad

 

This means read the ad and respond to the ad itself instead of sending them a template response. It also means letting them know how you meet their stated requirements. A generic, template, response or someone who did not read the ad is easy to identify. Most likely this will result in your reply being rejected. If the ad or their reply does not ask for contact information such as contact number or email address then do not provide it.

 

Be prompt, on time, and let them immediately know if you cannot show

 

Nothing speaks poorly about your character if you are late or you are no show without letting them. It is not a good idea to be fashionably late as most couples will not wait much beyond their stated meeting time for you to show and most likely will not give you another chance if you do not show. So, it is important that you remain in communication with them before meeting them and let them promptly know of anything that may delay you showing up.

 

Be clean and smartly dressed

 

As the cliché goes, you only have one chance to make a good impression. Meeting a couple without bathing and poor hygiene will not impress them. Take the time on your appearance and dress for the environment you will be meeting them. Even if you are going to their home for drinks to see where things go, dress smart for them.

 

Understand your role

 

Your role in a two male threesome is to support the husband in providing his wife with a sexual experience that cannot be provided in a monogamous relationship. This means having sex with two guys at once and it is not due to the fact that there is something in the relationship that he cannot provide. In essence you are a ‘toy’ for them and not a replacement.

 

Follow their lead

 

This experience is primarily for them and you are there as an added benefit. There may be a time where you may want to help them progress from discussion to the act or enhance the overall experience. In most cases provided you stick within their boundaries you will be alright but it is a good idea to ask before taking a leap.

 

Ask  

 

If you are unsure about their boundaries, their boundaries appear contradictory, or there is anything else that you have a question about them then make sure to ask. It is better to ask than making the wrong assumption.

 

Don’t rush

 

There is a tendency if a couple shows an interest to push the couple towards the act. Let the couple dictate the speed from contact to the act and if they are moving too slow for you then they are not the couple for you.

 

Don’t be afraid to say no

 

Remember having a threesome is a two way street. Granted the couple may have most of the control over the situation. However if you are not in agreement or the couple does not meet you needs then you are well within your rights to say no. It might mean that you loose the invite but it will prevent a bad experience.

Transitioning through the phases of a threesome

Posted in Threesomes by

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Introduction:

As with anything in life there is a point of no return, a point where the decision is made to either go ahead or deciding to abort the plan. Having a threesome is no different but an extra problem does exist for the couple, how to make the transition from the decision to actually having the threesome then how do they handle it once it is over? This article explores the idea of managing a threesome for a new couple that has not selected a third person with some experience having threesomes with couples.

Planning for the couple:

At this point in the couple’s journey they realize that there is more than a 90% chance that a threesome will happen. Much, is dependent on how well the three of them get along and how they couple transitions from being social to actually having the threesome.

By this point it is difficult for them to make significant changes to their boundaries without creating some confusion whereby a boundary is unintentionally crossed or delaying having a threesome in order to renegotiate their boundaries. If the couple is not sure about their boundaries then it is not advisable to go forward with having a threesome. Instead any changes that can be made are last minutes tweaks such as clarifying their understanding or talking about feelings.

Right before meeting the third person, it gives he couple one last chance to review miscellaneous their plans for safety, give each other another chance to say ‘no,’ ensure that they have everything needed, and agree to work through any issues that may come up. Also,  it means ensuring that they have what they need for the threesome and any arrangements are in place. This may range from booking a hotel room, ensuring that they have a babysitter for the evening, and condoms. Finally this opportunity is a chance to address any possible missed issue like how to divide attention and rule regarding intercourse with the third person.

Meeting the Third Person

Nothing in life is guaranteed nor should something happen just because some effort has been invested in making an event happen. This means for example, if a couple expects a threesome to happen only to find out their planned threesome becomes shattered because of a lack of compatibility, then they should be have included as a part of their planning. Likewise as a part of their planning in meeting the third person they should also plan on what to do if they feel there is compatibility with them. Compatibility, in this sense means, there is enough similarities and attraction that a threesome can occur.

Once the third person has arrived it is the couple, for the most part, is in control. The invited third person will have their say if they want to participate in the planned threesome but the boundaries, for the most part, will be in the couple’s control. This means the couple will dictate the speed at which things progress and the boundaries.

Transitioning to the threesome

All of us have different ways of dealing with an event that is possible but lacks certainty that it is going to happen.  For couples that are new with threesomes this point can be difficult due to the fact this is a point where any suggestion that this is a fantasy, is immediately replaced the reality that it is going to happen. Being confronted with the reality that a threesome will happen can create allot of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear of rejection because like many of us when we are in a new unfamiliar situation our confidence begin to fade. Along with fading confidence, having a threesome can bring about a flood of emotions. Before the flood of emotion begins to overtake, it is a good point to have a discussion regarding boundaries and expectations if this had not already been covered.

After agreeing about expectations for the threesome and boundaries for it there are several ways to bring about the threesome. One way is through a game like strip poker, naked Twister, or by drawing cards with sexual activity written on them. Another way would be to change into something “more comfortable” like a negligee or a teddy. It does not need to be something designed to look sexy. However it needs to be something that is easily accessible for exploration, loose fitting, and something easily removed without much effort. Third way would be a porno movie. Fourth all three of you taking a shower together and last way would be being direct by suggesting all three of you move to the bed. In all of these situations the issue is not what is done, instead it is finding a way to cue that as a couple you are ready for the threesome to start and finding a way to remove some of the apprehension.

The Threesome

If the reader does not understand what goes in a threesome or does not have an idea of what do then in all honesty a threesome is the right choice. This section will talk about the threesome from the couple’s perspective and some of the issues that can come up. Reality is for a couple that is having a threesome for their first time, nothing can completely prepare them for the experience. It is best thought of as a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. Such an experience can create a cornucopia experiences that can range from exhilaration to sheer horror. Therefore, it becomes important, this author feels, not to act impulsively / emotionally based on what is being experienced and to act logically. Having been through this experience it is not always easy to know how to act logically and if you feel safety (your safety, your partner’s safety, or there is something not safe about the environment) is becoming an issue then it is best to play it safe by ending the threesome then to risk your safety. Short of feeling that safety is an issue, threesomes can change your perception of things. By this I mean seeing your partner having sex with someone else can elicit very strong emotions such as pure eroticism or sheer panic. When watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with some else is easy to think that your partner will leave you for them. However logically that may seem, reality tends to be if as a couple you have a strong caring and loving relationship then it is more probable than not that the feeling is being influence by what you are seeing. For a couple at this point it means they have to rely on their knowledge of the partner and their history together, instead of what they are experiencing, in order gage their reaction.

Another way things can be influenced is instead of watching your partner having sex with someone else is actually having sex with someone else. In a threesome situation it is easy to equate having sex with having feelings for your extra lover. Granted you may feel an emotional bond with the person that you had sex with but it is important not to lose sight that the purpose of the encounter is about physical enjoyment, not emotional attachment. It is important that you find a way to reconnect with your partner as soon as possible. This may mean that you do not have the third person stay in the same bed with you, if they are staying the night or they return to their hotel room if a room was rent. Additionally it may mean that you develop a circle of people who share a similar interest in order to prevent attachment to one particular person or you limit your encounters to one-off situations. Finally this means if you feel an attachment beginning to form with someone, it is immediately brought to your partner’s attention along with ending the relationship with the third. Reason for providing a few suggestions is to prevent attachment is and to preserve your relationship with your partner by keeping emotions separate from sex.

Final way a threesome can bring issues is by the emotional turmoil it can create, especially after the threesome. Up until the threesome happens each participant has the ability to stop it from happening but once it happens there is no way it can be undone. Furthermore there is no way that as a participant in a threesome you will exactly know how you will react until it happens. This is in part due to be being a new experience for you but it is also, in part, due to the activity is readily publicly discussed because it goes against what we have learned about relationships since we were young. The lack of public acceptance of the activity for some can create an emotional dissonance. Emotional dissonance, conflict of feelings, can cause a variety of reactions from anger, to withdrawal, and destruction of the relationship. There is no way to prevent any of the above problems. However a relationship that is stable, with good communication, and a relationship that has matured over a few years can help in alleviating some of these issues.

After the threesome

Many people feel that once the threesome ends and if it ends successfully then there is nothing more that needs to be done. Reality is as you begin to come down the “adrenaline high” from having the threesome and begin facing the reality of what has happened means your perception about what happened may change. Over the coming days, weeks, or even month afterwards there may be some unresolved issues. Unresolved issues can be feeling unsure about an action, feeling guilty about enjoying the experience, being aroused by the threesome to something more involved such as dealing with a boundary that was crossed or development of feelings for the third.  This means taking the time to talk about the experience and do “spot checks” to ensure that there are not unresolved issues that have not been brought up. Should an issue be brought up then it needs to be worked through, understand why it happened, and how it can be addressed. From there determining the next step for you as a couple and if a threesome will be something you want to participate in again Should as a couple you want to consider participating in a threesome again the process begins again by re-examining the boundaries, the choice of the third, and structure of the threesome in order to decide what needs to be changed. At this point communication is about preserving the relationship and learning from the experience so that the relationship can move forward.

Conclusion

Threesomes can be exciting and can also challenge a relationship. There is no way to predict if a threesome will be successful or if it will be damage a relationship. With the right selection of the third person, the ability to manage feelings, the ability to manage the transition, and the ability to communicate a couple can have a successful threesome experience.

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