Tag Archives: debriefing

How to plan and manage a threesome using a check list

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

ready for cuckoldingUsing the check-list

Below is a generic checklist meant to guide couples in planning their first threesome. It is not meant to be a comprehensive checking list covering every possible outcome. Instead it recognizes that every threesome takes its own journey and happens at its own speed. Thereby some steps may occur together or not at all. The overall purpose of the list is meant is serving as a reminder of activities that need to occur and there is no guarantee by following the list it will produce an uneventful threesome.

Finally, there are four parts to the checklist: pre-searching, searching, threesome, and post threesome. Pre-searching regards activities prior to searching for the third person. Searching regards activities during the searching phase. Threesome regards activities when narrowing the list and making the decision to invite through the planning the threesome. Finally the post threesome regards activities to work through any issues that may occur.

Pre-search

  1. Initial discussion
  2. Begin understanding the difference between the fantasy of having a threesome
  3. Discussion regarding expectations, potential issues, and risks
  4. Discussion what it will be like watching / having sex in front of your partner
  5. Discussion regarding boundaries
  6. Discussion regarding issues such as dealing with jealousy
  7. Defining cheating
  8. What activities are explicitly off-limits
  9. Safety – personal & sexual
  10. What needs to be communicated and to what extent
  11. Privacy – how much information to reveal and how will information be protected
  12. Where to have the threesome
  13. Who to invite / type of person
  14. When to have the threesome
  15. Division of Labor – Who is responsible for example: posting ads, reviewing replies, arranging meeting etc.
  16. How the search will occur
  17. Determining the criteria for scaling back the interested males / females
  18. Role play / simulating the threesome

Searching

  1. Writing the ad for web sites
  2. How do you, as a couple, identify time wasters
  3. Speaking with a potential third person
  4. Does an interest exist?
  5. If agreement is to ask a friend / co-worker then arrange to speak with them
  6. Sort through replies, identify those of interest, and politely respond back with ‘sorry but not interested’
  7. Agree you have found a potential third person
  8. Arrange an initial meeting with the third person

Threesome

  1. Review boundaries and ensure the two of you have the same understanding.
  2. Communicate boundaries to third person
  3. Make final arrangements for the threesome including a signal / word that indicates it should not happen.
  4. Manage feelings
  5. Enjoy

Post-Threesome

  1. Face the realities of the decision
  2. Debrief
  3. Work through any issues before having another threesome

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

Follow me

Follow me on Google+

Follow me on twitter – @JohnnyLavish1

Follow me on tubmblr

How to separate love from sex

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

londonSeven Steps to Minimize the Chance Feelings Will Develop for the Third Person

Intro

The backbone of every successful threesome is the ability putting aside feelings for the third person in order to have an enjoyable threesome. It would be remiss of me ignoring that sex is a very intimate act whereby a bond is created with those is participate and putting aside all feelings is necessary. Instead putting aside feelings mean keeping enough of an emotional distance from the invited third person that allows the marital relationship or committed relationship to continue while still being able to have a threesome.

Putting aside feelings sounds easy; however, many of buy the relationship warranty that sex must equal love or at least, sex can only occur with someone we share an emotional bond. By buying a relationship warranty means we are buying the idea that sex is about caring and that for sex to occur we first must build a relationship with them. While buying the relationship warranty is necessary for marriage or a long-term relationship, buying the relationship warranty for a full threesome can produce catastrophic results.

So, how can you have a threesome and keep feelings out of it? Below, I will give you seven points that can help you avoid buying the relationship warranty for having a threesome.

1) Limit the amount of contact with the third person

The more time all three of you spend together the more likely feelings will develop. This is a result of proximity or simply put, a result of having repeated contact with the same person.

In order to limit the chance feelings develop due to amount of time spent together, it is ideal trying to make a decision about having a threesome based on attraction instead of attempting to develop a relationship with the third person.

Also limiting the number of threesomes, such as one-off, can help reduce this risk too.

2) Limit Rewarding Behavior

Having a full threesome is more about having sex then forming an emotional attachment with the third person. This means the information being shared should be information that is necessary for a threesome to occur and not be information that allows the development of feelings.

Also, this includes limiting any rewarding behavior that encourages development of feelings. Rewarding behavior can be anything from looks, statements, or behavior that encourages the formation of feelings. Limiting rewarding behavior may sound as though the threesome is quite academic, sterile and void of any enjoyment. Instead limiting reward behavior mean finding a balance between letting the third person know you enjoy their company and creating a situation whereby ‘crossing the line’ happens the threesome becomes something more.

3) Having a History Together

Having a history together is vital. The longer a couple has been together, understand each other, and choose having a threesome as an extension of their relationship then the less likely they are developing feelings for someone else. Also having a relationship history is vital in understanding your partner, communicating with them and being able to work with them through any tough time.

4) Avoid Having a Threesome During a Period of Major Stress Relationship Stress

Stress and poor decision making are synonymous but deciding a threesome is a good choice during a major life change may be the decision that topples the relationship. Likewise avoid having a threesome during a time when the relationship is under stress since the may lead to the wrong decision being made.

5) Choose Your Third Person Carefully

Choosing the third person is vital for a successful threesome. Ideally the third person should temporarily fit into the relationship. Fitting into the relationship means:

  • Each person, as a couple, agrees to them
  • There is either a physical or intellectual attraction to the third person
  • The third person does not leave one member of the couple feeling excluded, jealous, or angry
  • They were not chosen because they can provide something that is missing in the relationship
  • The third person respect the boundaries
  • The third person respect the couple’s relationship, is not disruptive, and is not demanding.
  • The third person understand their role in the threesome and does not try to dominate

6) Communicating  Debriefing

It goes without saying communicating and debriefing are essential to keep a relationship healthy, including minimizing the chance feelings can develop for the third person. Without communication and discussing feelings it is likely a having a threesome will devastate a relationship.

7) It Starts with You

The type of threesome you want lies with you. This means the decision

  • What happens in the threesome
  • Boundaries
  • Regarding the third person
  • How you perceive perceive the threesome
  • How you perceive the third person
  • How you react to the threesome
  • How you react to the third person
  • How you react to your spouse / ‘significant other’
  • Your feelings before the threesome, during the threesome, and after the threesome

are all within your control.

Finally

Nothing in life is easy, especially having a threesome. However having an enjoyable threesome that is not disruptive to the relationship is possible but it will require work. Taking time discussing the threesome, potential choices, and its possible impact will go a long way in reducing the chance feeling for the third person will develop. Also, take time to plan it and choosing when to have it will also help. Finally all of the reading on the topic will not guarantee feeling for the third person will not develop and the responsibility for ensuring it will not happen lies solely with the couple.

Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from and how to address them

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Mary Street

Introduction

It is Wednesday and excitement is building to the weekend when the threesome is will be happening. Every free moment ideas run rampant about what it is going to be like and what is going to happen. Discussions continue and refinements are made to the boundaries. Then finally it happens and everything about it is wonderful. At this point, it seems to be a perfectly executed threesome. Shortly after the thrill of the threesome begins wearing off, feelings begin to happen. Feelings of guilt, cheating / being cheated on, and remorse begin to take over. What happened? Why are these feelings happening? There are many possible answers to this question and to explore this topic in great detail will require a book. However, this author will briefly explore and provide their opinion on some of the more common reasons.

Social & Religious messaging about relationships

Western society programs its citizens from an early age, loving relationships involve two people and a sexual practice where another is invited into the relationship is deviant.  For many this messaging becomes a cornerstone on which our belief about relationships and partner selection is based.  Furthermore there are very limited role models that are open about alternative sexual practices and it leaves many who have an interest in the practice feeling participating in an activity like a threesome is in some how wrong. This can mean for some people, the idea of having a threesome remains abstract until it happens and once it does, it can trigger feelings that it is wrong because it is not socially or religiously accepted.

Impulsivity / Lack of Communication

Impulsivity in this blog takes on a slightly different meaning then its dictionary meaning. It means rushing to have a threesome without taking time to consider the idea, establish boundaries, and debrief afterwards.  Taking the necessary steps to have a threesome is vital. It allows for a discussion of the idea, a discussion of feelings, and it allows for the establishment of a safety net whereby each participant knows the limit of the planned threesome. Without taking the time to plan the threesome, important points will be missed. It is this author’s feeling negative feeling about having a threesome after it happens may mean the threesome went beyond a personal comfort level because of the lack of boundaries.  It could also mean debriefing, talking about the threesome and feelings, did not occur or it could mean since limited discussion occurred important points about the threesome where missed. Essentially the negative feeling under this heading is due to a lack of communication regarding having a threesome.

Communication

Unlike the above heading communication does occur. However in this circumstance the issue results from the wrong type of communication occurring, meaning necessary topics were not being discussed or not being discussed to the extent they should. The other problem with communication is the lack of understanding of what is being discussed. This could mean assumptions were being made, everyone had a different idea, or the topic was not clear. Essentially miscommunication was occurring.

Choosing the Third Person

Choosing the third person is vital to the success of a threesome, this author feels. Instead of taking the time to screen the individual and taking the time to ensure they fit; instead the couple opts for them because of their convenience.  Typical choice that is made based convenience maybe a friend, co-worker, or ex-lover. These choices, along with other possible choices, may mean there are some feelings and a relationship. By selecting someone where there is a relationship and at some level feelings, can lead to a conflict of feelings. The conflict arises from having sex with them and the history that exists. This means choosing the third person can have an impact on feelings afterwards.

Environment

Environment means where the threesome occurred, how it occurred, and the interaction of various components that makes up the threesome. This can be anything that can trigger feelings of cheating, such as visiting a cheap hotel in order to protect privacy, to getting drunk  and / or high to have the threesome.

The Individual

Unlike the reasons discussed in this blog that can trigger the feeling, this reason implies the individual has control over how feel and choose to respond to the feeling.

This author believes we are responsible for how we choose to feel about a situation. We can choose to have a threesome and then choose how we feel about it. For example Mary & George, a fictitious couple, choose to have a two female threesome and decide to define cheating as an intentional or reckless disregard for their agreed boundaries. Mary decides to have her first woman on woman experience, which is within their agreed boundaries. To her surprise she enjoyed it and found afterwards it created a flurry of emotions for her, including feeling as though she cheated. Mary has two choices.  She can choose to allow her feelings to dominate her thoughts and allow them to impact how she responds. Alternatively Mary can choose to accept, as a couple who defined cheating she did not cheat, and choose view the experience as an enjoyable experience that taught her something about herself.

Conclusion

What causes negative feelings, such as feeling as though you have cheated after a threesome? The answer can be quite complex that is dependent on the individual, the threesome, and their environment. Most likely a definitive answer cannot be given and the best that could be done is having the individual consider changing the way they view the event. Without having a positive view of the experience and talking about it afterwards, it is likely negative feelings will develop.

Related articles

Managing feelings after a threesome

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

Intro:

Imagine for a moment, planning a threesome and discovering the communicating bringing you together. Next, recall the time spent searching for someone, rejecting some and being stood up by time-wasters.  After searching for a while becoming frustrated that you were not going to find someone that was compatible but after a bit more searching, you meet right person to join you for your threesome.

The threesome was emotionally intense watching your partner having sex with someone else. Heart was racing, sweat covered your body, and in a constant state of readiness. It brought up a lot of conflicting emotions that went from loss of your partner to sheer arousal. Each moment you could not decide if this was the most erotic experience you ever had or if you should leave the room. However the sight of your partner sexually enjoying themselves kept you there.

After the threesome a lot was going through you mind after the “thrill” of the experience ended. It started to raise questions about what occurred and left you feeling confused about your relationship. The scene of the threesome still arouses you but at the same time it angers you. Nonetheless, the above scene does raise the question, how do you deal with feelings after a threesome? Also, how do you plan a threesome in order to protect your relationship from the damage a threesome can cause? This article will examine the question from three perspectives: debriefing after wards, managing feelings, and suggested steps for dealing with feelings.

Debriefing:

Having a threesome is an emotionally intense experience and it can bring about an altered perception of reality. It is important in the minutes and days that follow to be careful about impulsively reacting to the threesome instead of discussing it. Debriefing means taking the time to talk through the threesome, including:

  • What went well
  • What did not go well
  • Feelings it brought up
  • Concerns that it raised
  • Boundaries that may have been violated
  • Boundaries that may need to be changed or removed
  • Next steps

It also means talking about the threesome as long as necessary in order to resolve the issues that it has brought up. This means instead of replaying the threesome over in your mind, like a DVD, and reacting to what you believed happen, you are taking the time to speak with your partner about the aspects of the threesome that are causing some issues for you. Also it means, debriefing is a process that allows for discussion of threesome in a calms rational way that may help to de-escalate issues thereby helping to preserve the relationship.

Finally debriefing should occur as soon after the threesome as possible. Ideally the discussion should start right after the third person leaves in order to work through any feelings the threesome created and begin dealing with the feelings instead of trying to avoid the subject.

Managing Feelings / Emotions:

Managing feelings essentially means, being able to separate sex from love and it means, being able to enjoy the physical aspects of sex without developing the emotional attachments that come with sex. On the surface this sounds fairly straightforward. However, having sex with someone is an emotionally intense experience that leads to some emotional bonding afterwards and being able to separate the two is not easy. There are two predictors this author feels that will determine a couple’s ability to do this.

First is the strength of the couple’s relationship, and by strength this author means how well the couple is bonded. Bonding is a complex discussion that is beyond the scope of this article and for this discussion means, the extent to which a couple to maintain their relationship with facing an outside threat. In this case the outside threat is the invited third person for the threesome. A couple that is emotionally attached, that has a history together of working through issues successfully, and effectively communicates is in a better position to deal with any threat a threesome may pose. This also means they are in a better position to plan their threesome and put in boundaries that will minimize a threat to their relationship from the third person.

Second is the individual’s ability to keep the threesome in perspective. This means the individual is able to realize a threesome is about sex, not emotions, and is able to keep the two separate. Also, it means the individual is able to effectively communicate this need and is able to take the appropriate steps once they realize they are becoming emotionally attached to the third person.

In order to manage feelings, this author feels, each person needs to understand themselves and how they operate as a couple. Without having some awareness of this, it means being able to manage their feelings becomes difficult since the appropriate boundaries and structure cannot be added to the threesome.

Suggested Steps:

This raises the question, what can a couple do to manage emotions of a threesome and manage feelings after a threesome? The starting point is having a secure and stable relationship. This means no using coercion, pressure or manipulation to have a threesome. It also means not using drugs or alcohol to facilitate having a threesome. By using emotional pressure or mind altering substances to have a threesome it make managing feelings difficult. Finally it means having an open enough communication whereby any topic can be discussed.

Next it means taking a look at the planned threesome and deciding if there is enough protection for the relationship. This could mean looking at having the threesome as a one-off situation. Also, it could mean looking at the selection of the third person, such as not choosing a friend or co-worker. Next, it may mean looking at the time spent building up to the threesome. It means minimizing the building of a friendship with them and having the threesome shortly after meeting them.

Thirdly it means adding structure to the threesome. Structure and boundaries are similar the difference lie in the detail. Boundaries set the limits of the threesome and the structure is how the threesome operates. Essentially this means the structure of the threesome flows from the boundaries. For example Couple A may have a boundary that oral sex is acceptable. However they may have discussed if oral sex is to occur then the wife would perform oral sex on her husband before performing it on the invited male. By having this rule it adds structure to the threesome that if oral sex is going to happen it is to be done on the husband first. Likewise a Couple B may have a boundary not to have threesome with anyone they know and not to invite the person back. This may mean having they have threesome while on vacation, thereby minimizing the risk of being found out and adding structure to their threesome.

Finally it means reviewing the boundaries. This means taking a look to see if any of the boundaries include relationship boundaries, such as not using the threesome against the other or having scheduled time to debrief about having the threesome? In addition it means taking a look at the boundaries and determining if they are realistic and practical? Boundaries may sound good on paper but their usefulness may not. This can lead to problems later and increase the chance of conflict.

Conclusion:

Being able to manage feelings after a threesome is paramount for the relationship to continue and to preserve the couple’s relationship. Debriefing and setting appropriate boundaries are necessary if a relationship is to survive a threesome. Without considering how to manage feelings by putting in place the appropriate boundaries and by having a relationship whereby communication is open, can lead to problems after a threesome. Therefore, it is this author’s feeling, considering feelings and how to manage them is paramount to the success of a threesome and the emotional well-being of those involved

Related Articles:

Remorse Threesomes Cuckold: How to get over the feeling and start living again

Where do negative feelings come from after a threesome?

10 Things You Should Know about having a Threesome but Were Afraid to Ask

10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask

Cuckolding Guide for Her: Surviving the First Date

Cuckolding Guide: Power of Sloppy Seconds

Follow me

Follow me on Google+

Follow me on twitter – @3somes3

Follow me on tubmblr

Transitioning through the phases of a threesome

Posted in Threesomes by

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Introduction:

As with anything in life there is a point of no return, a point where the decision is made to either go ahead or deciding to abort the plan. Having a threesome is no different but an extra problem does exist for the couple, how to make the transition from the decision to actually having the threesome then how do they handle it once it is over? This article explores the idea of managing a threesome for a new couple that has not selected a third person with some experience having threesomes with couples.

Planning for the couple:

At this point in the couple’s journey they realize that there is more than a 90% chance that a threesome will happen. Much, is dependent on how well the three of them get along and how they couple transitions from being social to actually having the threesome.

By this point it is difficult for them to make significant changes to their boundaries without creating some confusion whereby a boundary is unintentionally crossed or delaying having a threesome in order to renegotiate their boundaries. If the couple is not sure about their boundaries then it is not advisable to go forward with having a threesome. Instead any changes that can be made are last minutes tweaks such as clarifying their understanding or talking about feelings.

Right before meeting the third person, it gives he couple one last chance to review miscellaneous their plans for safety, give each other another chance to say ‘no,’ ensure that they have everything needed, and agree to work through any issues that may come up. Also,  it means ensuring that they have what they need for the threesome and any arrangements are in place. This may range from booking a hotel room, ensuring that they have a babysitter for the evening, and condoms. Finally this opportunity is a chance to address any possible missed issue like how to divide attention and rule regarding intercourse with the third person.

Meeting the Third Person

Nothing in life is guaranteed nor should something happen just because some effort has been invested in making an event happen. This means for example, if a couple expects a threesome to happen only to find out their planned threesome becomes shattered because of a lack of compatibility, then they should be have included as a part of their planning. Likewise as a part of their planning in meeting the third person they should also plan on what to do if they feel there is compatibility with them. Compatibility, in this sense means, there is enough similarities and attraction that a threesome can occur.

Once the third person has arrived it is the couple, for the most part, is in control. The invited third person will have their say if they want to participate in the planned threesome but the boundaries, for the most part, will be in the couple’s control. This means the couple will dictate the speed at which things progress and the boundaries.

Transitioning to the threesome

All of us have different ways of dealing with an event that is possible but lacks certainty that it is going to happen.  For couples that are new with threesomes this point can be difficult due to the fact this is a point where any suggestion that this is a fantasy, is immediately replaced the reality that it is going to happen. Being confronted with the reality that a threesome will happen can create allot of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear of rejection because like many of us when we are in a new unfamiliar situation our confidence begin to fade. Along with fading confidence, having a threesome can bring about a flood of emotions. Before the flood of emotion begins to overtake, it is a good point to have a discussion regarding boundaries and expectations if this had not already been covered.

After agreeing about expectations for the threesome and boundaries for it there are several ways to bring about the threesome. One way is through a game like strip poker, naked Twister, or by drawing cards with sexual activity written on them. Another way would be to change into something “more comfortable” like a negligee or a teddy. It does not need to be something designed to look sexy. However it needs to be something that is easily accessible for exploration, loose fitting, and something easily removed without much effort. Third way would be a porno movie. Fourth all three of you taking a shower together and last way would be being direct by suggesting all three of you move to the bed. In all of these situations the issue is not what is done, instead it is finding a way to cue that as a couple you are ready for the threesome to start and finding a way to remove some of the apprehension.

The Threesome

If the reader does not understand what goes in a threesome or does not have an idea of what do then in all honesty a threesome is the right choice. This section will talk about the threesome from the couple’s perspective and some of the issues that can come up. Reality is for a couple that is having a threesome for their first time, nothing can completely prepare them for the experience. It is best thought of as a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. Such an experience can create a cornucopia experiences that can range from exhilaration to sheer horror. Therefore, it becomes important, this author feels, not to act impulsively / emotionally based on what is being experienced and to act logically. Having been through this experience it is not always easy to know how to act logically and if you feel safety (your safety, your partner’s safety, or there is something not safe about the environment) is becoming an issue then it is best to play it safe by ending the threesome then to risk your safety. Short of feeling that safety is an issue, threesomes can change your perception of things. By this I mean seeing your partner having sex with someone else can elicit very strong emotions such as pure eroticism or sheer panic. When watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with some else is easy to think that your partner will leave you for them. However logically that may seem, reality tends to be if as a couple you have a strong caring and loving relationship then it is more probable than not that the feeling is being influence by what you are seeing. For a couple at this point it means they have to rely on their knowledge of the partner and their history together, instead of what they are experiencing, in order gage their reaction.

Another way things can be influenced is instead of watching your partner having sex with someone else is actually having sex with someone else. In a threesome situation it is easy to equate having sex with having feelings for your extra lover. Granted you may feel an emotional bond with the person that you had sex with but it is important not to lose sight that the purpose of the encounter is about physical enjoyment, not emotional attachment. It is important that you find a way to reconnect with your partner as soon as possible. This may mean that you do not have the third person stay in the same bed with you, if they are staying the night or they return to their hotel room if a room was rent. Additionally it may mean that you develop a circle of people who share a similar interest in order to prevent attachment to one particular person or you limit your encounters to one-off situations. Finally this means if you feel an attachment beginning to form with someone, it is immediately brought to your partner’s attention along with ending the relationship with the third. Reason for providing a few suggestions is to prevent attachment is and to preserve your relationship with your partner by keeping emotions separate from sex.

Final way a threesome can bring issues is by the emotional turmoil it can create, especially after the threesome. Up until the threesome happens each participant has the ability to stop it from happening but once it happens there is no way it can be undone. Furthermore there is no way that as a participant in a threesome you will exactly know how you will react until it happens. This is in part due to be being a new experience for you but it is also, in part, due to the activity is readily publicly discussed because it goes against what we have learned about relationships since we were young. The lack of public acceptance of the activity for some can create an emotional dissonance. Emotional dissonance, conflict of feelings, can cause a variety of reactions from anger, to withdrawal, and destruction of the relationship. There is no way to prevent any of the above problems. However a relationship that is stable, with good communication, and a relationship that has matured over a few years can help in alleviating some of these issues.

After the threesome

Many people feel that once the threesome ends and if it ends successfully then there is nothing more that needs to be done. Reality is as you begin to come down the “adrenaline high” from having the threesome and begin facing the reality of what has happened means your perception about what happened may change. Over the coming days, weeks, or even month afterwards there may be some unresolved issues. Unresolved issues can be feeling unsure about an action, feeling guilty about enjoying the experience, being aroused by the threesome to something more involved such as dealing with a boundary that was crossed or development of feelings for the third.  This means taking the time to talk about the experience and do “spot checks” to ensure that there are not unresolved issues that have not been brought up. Should an issue be brought up then it needs to be worked through, understand why it happened, and how it can be addressed. From there determining the next step for you as a couple and if a threesome will be something you want to participate in again Should as a couple you want to consider participating in a threesome again the process begins again by re-examining the boundaries, the choice of the third, and structure of the threesome in order to decide what needs to be changed. At this point communication is about preserving the relationship and learning from the experience so that the relationship can move forward.

Conclusion

Threesomes can be exciting and can also challenge a relationship. There is no way to predict if a threesome will be successful or if it will be damage a relationship. With the right selection of the third person, the ability to manage feelings, the ability to manage the transition, and the ability to communicate a couple can have a successful threesome experience.

Related articles