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Part 7: Coping with having a threesome a.k.a facing the realities of having a threesome

Posted in Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning by

IMG_8702How do I handle having a threesome?

Porn movies leave us believing beautiful people just rip-off their clothes and a threesome just happens without impunity. Whereas talks shows and news programs during sweep week wants us believing having a threesome will lead to some cataclysmic catastrophe. Since the topic of having a threesome is not openly discussed and not much honest information is available, what we believe about having a threesome is not always true. Somewhere between the two extremes is where 99.9999% of all threesomes occur. This article will explore the remaining 99.9999% by talking about the issues and what you can do in order to get through it.

Being a part of a threesome

Up to that point a threesome remains somewhat abstract and it can be difficult to understand what it means to have a threesome. Having a threesome means having sex with someone else whereby you watch, you have sex with the third person or a combination of the two. This means at some point, as a couple, one of you will be having sex with someone other than significant other while the other watches. If it is your first time it can be quite erotic or it can be very brutal. Also, it means what you are feeling versus what you are witnessing can be quite different.

In my honest opinion there is no way to completely prepare for it beyond discussing it along with discussing your feelings. Then after the threesome talk about the experience and anything it made you feel. In addition, I believe that if you get jealous, angry, or easily upset then having a threesome may not be the best choice for you.

A threesome cannot be undone

As a threesome approaches it is possible that you may look towards it with a child-like glee and there is nothing wrong with that. It protects from over analyzing it and keeps us from worrying too much about small details. The problem is up to the the point of undressing and penetration a threesome can be stopped. However once intercourse starts there is no way to stop it and the only thing that can be done is viewing the experience differently. It is therefore better to make the decision slowly with much thought then rush into whereby you regret it later.

Feelings for the invited third person can develop

It is easy to say it is important to keep feelings separate from having sex. No matter how much we try to rationalize sex, the reality remains sex is a very intimate act and when intimacy is involved it is likely there will be some emotional attachment.

How do you minimize or prevent feelings from developing is not easy but there are few suggestions worth considering. The below are suggestions and each couple will need to consider them in light of their situation:

  1. Avoid choosing friends: A relationship and feelings already exist. Having a threesome can bring these feelings to light and make a threesome very complicated.
  2. Do not make getting to know the third person a very drawn out situation: If your goal is not a ‘poly’ / open relationship threesome then taking a lot of time in getting to know the third person is not needed. Instead when contacting the third person the contact should be limited in collecting enough information to make an informed decision about having a threesome with them. This means once the question, “Am I comfortable enough with them to have sex with them?,” can be answered then proceeding with the decision should occur. Simply put having a threesome is about sex over a short-period of time and not developing a long-lasting emotional relationship with the third person.
  3. Limit involving the third person: Because the act is intimate there maybe a desire to invite the third person to social events and / or treat them like a friend. The more they are involved the greater the chance feelings might develop.
  4. Keep an emotional distance from them: This restates number 2 and 3. Also it means avoiding questions or behaviors that will elicit feelings developing for them. The best thing the contact with the potential third person should be kept to an absolute minimum.
  5. Limit the number of times with the same person: The more you have a threesome with them the more likely feelings will develop.
  6. Develop a network of threesome friends: Having a network of friends that you have threesomes with and share an interest in threesomes with will help to reduce the chance that feelings for an individual will develop.
  7. Look at putting boundaries in place to protect the relationship and limit feelings from developing. You know yourself the best and if there are certain actions / behaviors that might lead to develop feelings then putting in place boundaries to prevent it will help.

As a couple the two of you will have different experiences

Even though the two of you are in the same room and experiencing it together your reactions may be remarkably different. It is possible one of you may enjoy it while the other may be indifferent. Likewise one may enjoy it while the other absolutely hates it. It is important that your threesome planning take this possibility into account.

In my opinion, we are all different and experience things differently. I believe threesomes are about enjoyment and pleasure instead of trying to have the same viewpoint about a threesome. The best way, I believe, to prepare for this is being ready to accept each of us are different and react differently. Also I believe, trust and knowledge about your spouse / partner factors into this. If you can trust your partner and you know your partner then it will go a long way in making a threesome a positive experience.

You are in this together

As adults we make adult decisions that requires us to make a decision where the outcome is not known. This means the decision to have a threesome is a decision that is made together and made with the understanding that each individual participating share the responsibility for its success / failure. Also it means, throughout the threesome process taking a ‘team approach,’ I believe is much better than approaching it as, ‘how can I get my needs met?’ Moreover during the threesome, applying the ‘team approach,’ means focusing on your partner and their needs to ensure they are being met instead of the third person’s needs.  At first the idea of focusing on your partner may sound counter-intuitive but if you apply the ‘team approach’ idea, it means working together ensuring each of you are happy in the threesome. Then, if you continue with having a threesome, focusing more on the third possible becomes more of a possibility.

So, how do you approach a threesome as a team and then transition focusing on the third person? The best way is communicating about your needs and expectations. Then discussing them with the third person and set their expectations. By continuously communicating about having the threesome, your needs, and its impact on you then as a team the two of you can work together in ensuring each individual need is met.

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FAQs regarding soft-swinging

Posted in FAQ, Types of threesomes by

masturbation b

What is soft-swinging?

The term soft-swinging implies that the couple involves someone else with them when sex occurs between them. However the involvement of the third person is limited to no oral or penetrative sex. This means in most situations woman on woman activity is not included in the definition and the role of the third person includes a voyeuristic element to it.

Does the definition include all male on male activities?

The definition does allow for mutual male masturbation and incidental contact between the males, provided no oral or penetrative sex occurs in the threesome.

What female on female activity does the definition include?

The definition includes kissing, touching, caressing, breast play, mutual masturbation and not involving toys or a strap-on.

How come you have excluded most female on female activity from the definition?

This author believes a strong argument can be made that female on female activity by definition is soft-swinging since it is impossible for penetrative sex without the aid of a toy. However, this author goes beyond the mechanics and looks at the broader picture. If penetration is occurring, regardless if it is a toy or a penis, then it is sex.

Are there any advantages of soft-swinging over a full swap?

The term advantage is perceptual and depends on the planned situation and definition of soft-swinging being used. Arguably soft-swinging may offer a lower risk of STD / STI, may offer a lower risk of pregnancy by the third person, preserves monogamy, and it can give the couple a group sex experience without having sex with the third person.

 Are there any disadvantages to soft-swinging?

Again the response depends on the definition of soft-swinging and the planned situation. Some possible disadvantages may include feeling sexually frustrated due to sex with the third person did not occur, feeling pressure to have a full-swap, and inviting a third person to participate in sex brings up further issues.

Does safe-sex need to be practiced in a soft-swing situation?  

Yes, since safe-sex is more about protection from STDs /STIs than pregnancy. For example, herpes and HIV / AIDs do not require intercourse or oral sex to be transmitted. Instead it requires a person come into contact with the infection and the infection to be transmitted through an unprotected barrier.

What positions work in a soft-swing situation?

Since the third person does not have sex with the couple and only take on a voyeur role, when it comes to sex, then question applies to couple. Generally speaking any position works. However, if the goal is ‘give a show’ for the third person then doggie-style, big dipper, or fusion may be positions to consider.

How can we incorporate the third person?

The response depends, to a large extent, on the needs of the couple and their limits. Inviting someone to watch can be quite erotic. However, if you are looking to incorporate them then there a lot of options:

Two Males

  • Mutual masturbation in order to arouse the woman, to arouse each other, and to provide a sexual release for the third person.
  • Invited male caressing the woman and / or giving her a message
  • Invited male caressing her breasts, sucking and playing with her nipples.
  • Invited male kissing the woman
  • Woman masturbating her partner in front of the third person
  • Woman masturbating the invited male
  • Woman having sex with her male partner in front of the invited third person

Two Women

  • Invited woman masturbating the male
  • Invited woman kissing, caressing, and touching the male or woman
  • Two women physically interacting, short of penetration, in order to arouse the male and them.
  • The couple having sex in front of the invited woman

What advice can you give to single males regarding soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging means you will not be having sex with the couple and there will be a voyeur aspect to the role. Nonetheless, it does mean some male on male contact is possible, such as touching or mutual masturbation. Also, it means that some physical contact with the woman is possible. Next it means if a couple opts for soft-swinging it does not necessarily mean at a later date they will be open to a full-swap. Some couples enjoy soft-swinging and it maybe as far as it progresses with them. This means for you, do not agree to a soft-swinging situation with the expectation that a full swap will occur at a later date. Lastly, it means it can be a situation that leaves you feeling sexually frustrated afterwards. Therefore, the choice is yours; it is important to remember in this situation you need to communicate your needs and your desired activities to the couple.

If we have an open relationship is soft-swinging a good way to have an intimate encounter with my partner / spouse and my lover?

A lot depends on the boundaries that have been agreed and it also depends if all three of you can be comfortable in the situation. If all three of you can be comfortable and it will not destroy the relationship(s) that have been developed then it is something worth exploring the idea. Should all three of you agree it is workable and all three of you feel that you can work through the feelings then it is something to try. It maybe all three of you find it leads to a very erotic experience.

If we have an open relationship and want to try soft-swinging then who does not participate and takes on the voyeur role?

It depends on how you define open relationship and the type of open relationship you have. If it is not a polyamorous or ménage da trios then it is this author’s feeling it should be the individual with whom the secondary relationship is formed. However, if you are in a polyamorous or menage da trios relationship, then this author feels this open to negotiation among the three of you.

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Debunking cuckold myths

Posted in Cuckolding, Threesome opinions by

It starts with her beauty in my eyes, it moves...

Introduction

Cuckolding is slowly entering the mainstream, as an accepted sexual practice, and it is gaining media attention. As it gains attention, the media will focus on the more titillating aspects with the hopes of driving ratings and attracting viewers. Such decisions present a biased view. leading couples to make decisions based on a particular viewpoint. It is important any couple seeking to try a cuckold has all the information. This article will explore some of the more common myths.

Cuckolding is a fetish

This author is aware of many people will argue cuckolding is a fetish but this author disagrees with them. A fetish by definition refers to an item or body part that is needed for inducing sexual arousal.  Since cuckolding is a sexual act and the majority of those into cuckolding can get aroused without being in a cuckold relationship it implies it not a fetish. Even taking a very liberal interpretation of the definition, whereby participating in a cuckold is needed for arousal the definition of fetish still does not apply.

Viewing cuckolding as a fetish, from the perspective of the couple, implies there is dysfunction in the marriage because the woman needs to have sex outside of the relationship for them to become aroused. Also, it implies the couple has to incorporate a third person into the relationship in order for both of them to be happy. For the bull, the male that is outside of the relationship, it implies he is only able to relate, sexually, to someone that is involved in a relationship and it suggests that he is not able to have a relationship with a woman himself.

In this author opinion equating cuckold with a fetish is wrong since it implies the primary relationship is somehow dysfunctional. and creates the wrong image for cuckolding.

Cuckolding is BDSM

While this author feels there is a strand of cuckolding that falls under BDSM. The particular strand that falls under BDSM this author believes is cuckolding that involves:

  • Humiliation due to small penis size
  • Using sex with someone else as a punishment / reward
  • Using sex with someone else as humiliation
  • Using male chastity device to deprive the male of having sex  or intentionally withholding sex while having sex with someone else

It is important to note, any BDSM activity is done with their partner’s knowledge and consent.

This author believes not all cuckolding is BDSM. Instead this author believes there is another form called couple cuckolding. Couple cuckolding differs from cuckolding that traditionally falls under the BDSM definition in three respects. First, the woman once she returns from her encounter shares her sexual experience with the other male with her partner and second, the man in the primary relationship is not submissive. Finally the person she chooses does not necessarily have to be male.

Couples who practice cuckolding cannot accept their marriage is over

It is true cuckolding can destroy a relationship but it is not always true that couples who take part in cuckolding see it as a way to keep a failed relationship together. Cuckolding if done right can enrich a relationship and fulfill it too.

Cuckolding can fix a relationship

Relationships can get stale and a stale relationship can lead a person to look outside of the relationship for a sexual partner. Feeling, as though a relationship is stale, indicates there is an unresolved issue (e.g. busy work schedules, communication issue, etc) that needs addressing. Cuckolding or any other group sex experience should not be sought as a ‘fix’ for a relationship.

Cuckolding is something a couple without any ‘group sex’ experience can do

A couple of legal age and who are capable of giving legal consent can do anything legal they choose, including cuckolding. Since cuckolding involves one member of the couple having sex alone with someone else, it means the person not participating will not be present. This provides unique challenges which requires a high level of trust and the ability to effectively communicate. However, without some form of ‘group sex’ experience (e.g. threesome, wife swapping or soft-swinging), a couple may find they are unprepared for the unexpected challenges cuckolding brings.

Cuckolding is only about sex

Sex is one aspect of cuckolding. However, depending on how long the couple pursues cuckolding, it is possible that emotional bond forms with the bull, thereby forming a secondary relationship with them. A couple considering the idea need to take forming an emotional bond with the third person seriously and they need to have boundaries in place to deal with the issue.

Cuckolding is a better choice since I do not have to watch my partner having sex with someone else

Many times cuckolding is done without primary male being present. Nonetheless, watching your partner having sex with someone else is not easy but it can be quite erotic. If you are uncomfortable with watching your partner having sex with someone else and / or discussing it then it might be a sign you are not comfortable with any type of ‘group sex’ activity. Should this be the situation then it may be worth your time to explore if cuckolding is in your best interest.

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Couple’s Cuckolding and the ‘what’ scenario

Posted in Cuckolding, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

Heterosexual-flag-idea

Couple’s Cuckolding another form of cuckolding

Has the question, what it will be like to have sex with the guy in accounting ever cross your mind? Maybe what would it be like to have sex with someone else? These are typical questions ever individual fantasizes about and considers. However, if you are in a relationship  then you know know such experience can be kept as a fantasy but if it became reality then it could have dire consequences. How would you feel, if there is a way to potentially keep your relationship and live out a fantasy?

Such experiences are not forbidden if done with your partner’s consent and cuckolding might be your solution. Cuckolding is primarily thought of as a form of BDSM involving domination / submission with humiliation as a part of practice.  It typically involves the female half of the couple having sex with someone, typically male who is called a bull, with the knowledge and consent of her partner.  In this type of practice sex is either withheld from the submissive male or it is quite limited. The other form of cuckolding, in which the BDSM elements are not present, appears to be less common and in some ways it can be thought of as answer the question what. For this article, this type of cuckolding will be termed the couple’s cuckold since each member of the couple has an equal a voice in it.

How does this type of cuckolding exhibit itself? It can be the wife wanting to have sex with someone else because she married early and did not have sexual experience before meeting her husband.  Also, it could a threesome that has developed and the invited third person wants to have sex with the female half of the couple alone. It may be the husband / boyfriend wanting his partner to have sex with someone else. Finally it could be female wanting to have sex with an ex or a co-worker. Whatever the scenario, there seems to be two underlying activities that occur. The first is once the woman returns sex with her partner occurs, almost immediately and there is some sharing of the experience with her partner.  These two activities help differentiate it from the more common form of cuckolding.

This brings up the question, how do you approach the idea with your partner? Ideally the couple should have had at least one threesome before trying this and the reason for  this, without a least one threesome experience the couple cannot appreciate the complex dynamics that exist in this type of scenario thereby potentially missing crucial information that will help them decide if this route is the best choice for them. Even without a threesome experience the couple may have a successful experience if it done on a limited basis and opinions are respected.

To begin with not every man is open to the idea and he may be someone that will not accept such a scenario. However, trying to suggest the idea as a part of foreplay or as a part of ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of sex might be a good starting point. At this point the goal is suggesting the idea when the chance of resistance is low and the chance they might find the idea arousing is greater. Also at this point any acceptance of the idea should not be seen as consent since they might change his mind outside of the ‘bedroom.’ This author feels the way to start the conversation is by talking about the idea in very vague terms, such as, ‘how would feel if I wanted to fuck another guy and then come home to fuck you?’ Maybe during foreplay try talking about another guy fucking you and how much the thought turns you on. Then if they are willing to consider the idea, try becoming more specific and begin having the conversations outside of the bedroom.

Once the idea moves from the bedroom to discussion during the day, the conversation turns from erotic bedroom fun to discussing the particulars of the cuckold.  After the idea is discussed outside of the bedroom, do not be surprised his attitude may change and you may find there is resistance to it. This is typically called ‘double message’ and it may be a sign that intellectually he is for the idea though emotionally they are struggling with it. At this point, this author recommends, putting the idea to rest and reproaching it in another year while you work on strengthening your relationship with him.

As soon as you are able to discuss the idea the boundaries are different than a threesome where both of you are present. In this type of situation a lot depends on trust and having boundaries that work. Typical boundaries you may want to consider includes:

  • maximum number of encounters with the same person
  • length of time you are with him at any one time
  • acceptable activities
  • safe-sex practices including where the other male can cum
  • personal, physical, and emotional safety
  • how much of the activity will be discussed afterwards
  • priority for this type of experience
  • If he is to meet the other male
  • If he is to have input or veto on your selection of your chosen male.
  • How to contact you if needed and how you will contact him if something happens.

Essentially this means more communication needs to occur, it needs to be more detailed, and any agreed boundaries must be boundaries both of you are willing to adhere to in order to allow trust to flourish. It also, means talking about feelings openly and listening to what the other has to say. Without communicating about the planned cuckold and taking steps to minimize any damage from it, the couple is taking a big risk with their relationship.

Nonetheless, if it is done right this type of experience can be quite enthralling for the couple and it produce a very intense sexual experience for the couple, something they have never experienced. Based on this author’s experience it is a sexual experience that far exceeds that of having a threesome but at the same time it is a very unnerving experience due to the dynamics of the experience. However if it is done wrong it can have very devastating consequences for the couple.  Ideally this is something that should be done for a limited time with the same person and should be done on a very intermittent basis for the couple. Otherwise the couple may begin to loose control of the situation.

Finally this type of experience is a possibly ideal situation for a couple wanting to answer the question of what will it be like if…? However, before embarking on the experience the couple needs to discuss the idea and set boundaries. Without communicating about the experience and accepting that it can be potentially destructive to their relationship is undertaking a risk that they should not. Moreover, if a couple can plan it correctly and limit the number of times they have the experience, then the experience can be an incredible experience that they look back with fond memories.

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Is choosing an ex for a threesome a good idea?

Posted in Threesomes by

 

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

 

Choosing an ex for a threesome might seem like a tempting idea but the choice is full of risks for the relationship. In most cases it is better to avoid choosing an ex for the third person in a threesome. Nonetheless, there might be a few exceptions and this article will briefly examine the problem and the possible exceptions to the rule of no ex for a threesome.

 

1)      Feelings can be rekindled 

 

There is a difference between a threesome and a dating relationship. A threesome requires a level of emotional detachment thereby allowing the ability to separate the physical act of sex from the emotional aspect. Having had a previous relationship with the individual makes it difficult to separate feelings from sex and greatly increases the risk of feelings being formed.

 

2)      The previous relationship may begin again

 

 

 

The cliché that time heals all wound. Meaning the further you get from the relationship ending the more likely you remember the good things about it and minimize the bad. For the person considering a threesome with their ex it means they are more likely to remember the good things about the relationship while minimizing the reason the relationship ended. This means they might be susceptible to any influence that their ex may have on them because most of their memories will be positive and will view their ex more positively.

 

3)      Drama and conflict

 

The relationship ended for a reason. Bringing an ex into a threesome situation may rekindle feelings and lead to previous conflicts in the relationship. These conflicts have the potential of spiralling out of control and negative impacting the current relationship.

 

4)      Risk of cheating and breakdown in communication

 

If there were strong feelings for the ex there is a chance that these may be rekindled. By introducing an ex into a threesome situation there is a possibility that cheating may occur. Plus there may be a temptation to hide or down play any communication that they may have had with their ex. This may fuel conflicts in the relationship.

 

5)      Risk of pregnancy

 

If pregnancy resulted from the threesome with an ex then the pregnancy would bind the two. The resulting pregnancy would have a detrimental effect on the current relationship and if the relationship remained it would put a strain on it.

 

      6)   Test / Minimizing the risk of cheating

 

There are some who believe by having a threesome with an ex it is a way to test if their partner still has feelings for the ex and by having a threesome with them it is a way to minimize cheating later. This is a fallacy and having a threesome for this reason, with an ex, is a poor decision that should be avoided at all costs.

 

 

 

Reasons for selecting an ex for a threesome

 

Before deciding to select or not to select a former ex for a threesome a relationship risk analysis needs to be conducted with the previous relationship being examined.

 

Assessing the Risk

 

 

 

The risk of an adverse impact on the current relationship depends to a large extent on the previous relationship with the ex. If the relationship with the ex included any of the following:

 

  • Involved sexual intercourse
  • Lasted for more than a few months
  • They were either engaged or married
  • Involved children
  • Relationship ended less than 5 years ago
  • Remain in regular contact even though there are no children
  • Relationship was turbulent

 

The more conditions above that are met the more likely that selecting an ex for a threesome will adversely impact the couple’s current relationship. However with enough discussion, problem solving, and trust inviting an ex may work for the couple. Some reasons for selecting an ex includes

 

1)      Convenience

 

They are readily available and if the relationship ended amicably approachable. There is already a relationship to draw from and makes the process easier.

 

2)      Resolution of issues

 

Especially if sex did not occur by inviting an ex may help by allowing the relationship to end. In a way, inviting the ex to a threesome may help in resolving any unfinished business in the relationship and allow it to end for both that were involved in it.

 

3)      Fulfilment of a fantasy

 

Sometimes having a threesome with your ex and current partner is a fantasy. By having this type of threesome will allow this fantasy to be fulfilled.

 

Minimizing the Risk

 

 

 

For this type of situation to be successful it requires a lot of communication, preparation, discussion, boundaries, negotiation, and trust. The partner who is inviting their ex needs to honest about their relationship talking about their feelings regarding their ex, what caused the relationship to end, and any unresolved issues with them. This needs to be talked through and discussed before any agreement is made.

 

The couple also needs to do a relationship assessment too in an effort to determine what impact this unique situation could have on their relationship and how to overcome any adverse effect that this type of threesome would have.

 

It is only after careful consideration, lengthy discussions, and assessment of the situation should this type of threesome being agreed.

 

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Transitioning through the phases of a threesome

Posted in Threesomes by

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Introduction:

As with anything in life there is a point of no return, a point where the decision is made to either go ahead or deciding to abort the plan. Having a threesome is no different but an extra problem does exist for the couple, how to make the transition from the decision to actually having the threesome then how do they handle it once it is over? This article explores the idea of managing a threesome for a new couple that has not selected a third person with some experience having threesomes with couples.

Planning for the couple:

At this point in the couple’s journey they realize that there is more than a 90% chance that a threesome will happen. Much, is dependent on how well the three of them get along and how they couple transitions from being social to actually having the threesome.

By this point it is difficult for them to make significant changes to their boundaries without creating some confusion whereby a boundary is unintentionally crossed or delaying having a threesome in order to renegotiate their boundaries. If the couple is not sure about their boundaries then it is not advisable to go forward with having a threesome. Instead any changes that can be made are last minutes tweaks such as clarifying their understanding or talking about feelings.

Right before meeting the third person, it gives he couple one last chance to review miscellaneous their plans for safety, give each other another chance to say ‘no,’ ensure that they have everything needed, and agree to work through any issues that may come up. Also,  it means ensuring that they have what they need for the threesome and any arrangements are in place. This may range from booking a hotel room, ensuring that they have a babysitter for the evening, and condoms. Finally this opportunity is a chance to address any possible missed issue like how to divide attention and rule regarding intercourse with the third person.

Meeting the Third Person

Nothing in life is guaranteed nor should something happen just because some effort has been invested in making an event happen. This means for example, if a couple expects a threesome to happen only to find out their planned threesome becomes shattered because of a lack of compatibility, then they should be have included as a part of their planning. Likewise as a part of their planning in meeting the third person they should also plan on what to do if they feel there is compatibility with them. Compatibility, in this sense means, there is enough similarities and attraction that a threesome can occur.

Once the third person has arrived it is the couple, for the most part, is in control. The invited third person will have their say if they want to participate in the planned threesome but the boundaries, for the most part, will be in the couple’s control. This means the couple will dictate the speed at which things progress and the boundaries.

Transitioning to the threesome

All of us have different ways of dealing with an event that is possible but lacks certainty that it is going to happen.  For couples that are new with threesomes this point can be difficult due to the fact this is a point where any suggestion that this is a fantasy, is immediately replaced the reality that it is going to happen. Being confronted with the reality that a threesome will happen can create allot of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear of rejection because like many of us when we are in a new unfamiliar situation our confidence begin to fade. Along with fading confidence, having a threesome can bring about a flood of emotions. Before the flood of emotion begins to overtake, it is a good point to have a discussion regarding boundaries and expectations if this had not already been covered.

After agreeing about expectations for the threesome and boundaries for it there are several ways to bring about the threesome. One way is through a game like strip poker, naked Twister, or by drawing cards with sexual activity written on them. Another way would be to change into something “more comfortable” like a negligee or a teddy. It does not need to be something designed to look sexy. However it needs to be something that is easily accessible for exploration, loose fitting, and something easily removed without much effort. Third way would be a porno movie. Fourth all three of you taking a shower together and last way would be being direct by suggesting all three of you move to the bed. In all of these situations the issue is not what is done, instead it is finding a way to cue that as a couple you are ready for the threesome to start and finding a way to remove some of the apprehension.

The Threesome

If the reader does not understand what goes in a threesome or does not have an idea of what do then in all honesty a threesome is the right choice. This section will talk about the threesome from the couple’s perspective and some of the issues that can come up. Reality is for a couple that is having a threesome for their first time, nothing can completely prepare them for the experience. It is best thought of as a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. Such an experience can create a cornucopia experiences that can range from exhilaration to sheer horror. Therefore, it becomes important, this author feels, not to act impulsively / emotionally based on what is being experienced and to act logically. Having been through this experience it is not always easy to know how to act logically and if you feel safety (your safety, your partner’s safety, or there is something not safe about the environment) is becoming an issue then it is best to play it safe by ending the threesome then to risk your safety. Short of feeling that safety is an issue, threesomes can change your perception of things. By this I mean seeing your partner having sex with someone else can elicit very strong emotions such as pure eroticism or sheer panic. When watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with some else is easy to think that your partner will leave you for them. However logically that may seem, reality tends to be if as a couple you have a strong caring and loving relationship then it is more probable than not that the feeling is being influence by what you are seeing. For a couple at this point it means they have to rely on their knowledge of the partner and their history together, instead of what they are experiencing, in order gage their reaction.

Another way things can be influenced is instead of watching your partner having sex with someone else is actually having sex with someone else. In a threesome situation it is easy to equate having sex with having feelings for your extra lover. Granted you may feel an emotional bond with the person that you had sex with but it is important not to lose sight that the purpose of the encounter is about physical enjoyment, not emotional attachment. It is important that you find a way to reconnect with your partner as soon as possible. This may mean that you do not have the third person stay in the same bed with you, if they are staying the night or they return to their hotel room if a room was rent. Additionally it may mean that you develop a circle of people who share a similar interest in order to prevent attachment to one particular person or you limit your encounters to one-off situations. Finally this means if you feel an attachment beginning to form with someone, it is immediately brought to your partner’s attention along with ending the relationship with the third. Reason for providing a few suggestions is to prevent attachment is and to preserve your relationship with your partner by keeping emotions separate from sex.

Final way a threesome can bring issues is by the emotional turmoil it can create, especially after the threesome. Up until the threesome happens each participant has the ability to stop it from happening but once it happens there is no way it can be undone. Furthermore there is no way that as a participant in a threesome you will exactly know how you will react until it happens. This is in part due to be being a new experience for you but it is also, in part, due to the activity is readily publicly discussed because it goes against what we have learned about relationships since we were young. The lack of public acceptance of the activity for some can create an emotional dissonance. Emotional dissonance, conflict of feelings, can cause a variety of reactions from anger, to withdrawal, and destruction of the relationship. There is no way to prevent any of the above problems. However a relationship that is stable, with good communication, and a relationship that has matured over a few years can help in alleviating some of these issues.

After the threesome

Many people feel that once the threesome ends and if it ends successfully then there is nothing more that needs to be done. Reality is as you begin to come down the “adrenaline high” from having the threesome and begin facing the reality of what has happened means your perception about what happened may change. Over the coming days, weeks, or even month afterwards there may be some unresolved issues. Unresolved issues can be feeling unsure about an action, feeling guilty about enjoying the experience, being aroused by the threesome to something more involved such as dealing with a boundary that was crossed or development of feelings for the third.  This means taking the time to talk about the experience and do “spot checks” to ensure that there are not unresolved issues that have not been brought up. Should an issue be brought up then it needs to be worked through, understand why it happened, and how it can be addressed. From there determining the next step for you as a couple and if a threesome will be something you want to participate in again Should as a couple you want to consider participating in a threesome again the process begins again by re-examining the boundaries, the choice of the third, and structure of the threesome in order to decide what needs to be changed. At this point communication is about preserving the relationship and learning from the experience so that the relationship can move forward.

Conclusion

Threesomes can be exciting and can also challenge a relationship. There is no way to predict if a threesome will be successful or if it will be damage a relationship. With the right selection of the third person, the ability to manage feelings, the ability to manage the transition, and the ability to communicate a couple can have a successful threesome experience.

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