Transitioning through the phases of a threesome


a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Introduction:

As with anything in life there is a point of no return, a point where the decision is made to either go ahead or deciding to abort the plan. Having a threesome is no different but an extra problem does exist for the couple, how to make the transition from the decision to actually having the threesome then how do they handle it once it is over? This article explores the idea of managing a threesome for a new couple that has not selected a third person with some experience having threesomes with couples.

Planning for the couple:

At this point in the couple’s journey they realize that there is more than a 90% chance that a threesome will happen. Much, is dependent on how well the three of them get along and how they couple transitions from being social to actually having the threesome.

By this point it is difficult for them to make significant changes to their boundaries without creating some confusion whereby a boundary is unintentionally crossed or delaying having a threesome in order to renegotiate their boundaries. If the couple is not sure about their boundaries then it is not advisable to go forward with having a threesome. Instead any changes that can be made are last minutes tweaks such as clarifying their understanding or talking about feelings.

Right before meeting the third person, it gives he couple one last chance to review miscellaneous their plans for safety, give each other another chance to say ‘no,’ ensure that they have everything needed, and agree to work through any issues that may come up. Also,  it means ensuring that they have what they need for the threesome and any arrangements are in place. This may range from booking a hotel room, ensuring that they have a babysitter for the evening, and condoms. Finally this opportunity is a chance to address any possible missed issue like how to divide attention and rule regarding intercourse with the third person.

Meeting the Third Person

Nothing in life is guaranteed nor should something happen just because some effort has been invested in making an event happen. This means for example, if a couple expects a threesome to happen only to find out their planned threesome becomes shattered because of a lack of compatibility, then they should be have included as a part of their planning. Likewise as a part of their planning in meeting the third person they should also plan on what to do if they feel there is compatibility with them. Compatibility, in this sense means, there is enough similarities and attraction that a threesome can occur.

Once the third person has arrived it is the couple, for the most part, is in control. The invited third person will have their say if they want to participate in the planned threesome but the boundaries, for the most part, will be in the couple’s control. This means the couple will dictate the speed at which things progress and the boundaries.

Transitioning to the threesome

All of us have different ways of dealing with an event that is possible but lacks certainty that it is going to happen.  For couples that are new with threesomes this point can be difficult due to the fact this is a point where any suggestion that this is a fantasy, is immediately replaced the reality that it is going to happen. Being confronted with the reality that a threesome will happen can create allot of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear of rejection because like many of us when we are in a new unfamiliar situation our confidence begin to fade. Along with fading confidence, having a threesome can bring about a flood of emotions. Before the flood of emotion begins to overtake, it is a good point to have a discussion regarding boundaries and expectations if this had not already been covered.

After agreeing about expectations for the threesome and boundaries for it there are several ways to bring about the threesome. One way is through a game like strip poker, naked Twister, or by drawing cards with sexual activity written on them. Another way would be to change into something “more comfortable” like a negligee or a teddy. It does not need to be something designed to look sexy. However it needs to be something that is easily accessible for exploration, loose fitting, and something easily removed without much effort. Third way would be a porno movie. Fourth all three of you taking a shower together and last way would be being direct by suggesting all three of you move to the bed. In all of these situations the issue is not what is done, instead it is finding a way to cue that as a couple you are ready for the threesome to start and finding a way to remove some of the apprehension.

The Threesome

If the reader does not understand what goes in a threesome or does not have an idea of what do then in all honesty a threesome is the right choice. This section will talk about the threesome from the couple’s perspective and some of the issues that can come up. Reality is for a couple that is having a threesome for their first time, nothing can completely prepare them for the experience. It is best thought of as a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. Such an experience can create a cornucopia experiences that can range from exhilaration to sheer horror. Therefore, it becomes important, this author feels, not to act impulsively / emotionally based on what is being experienced and to act logically. Having been through this experience it is not always easy to know how to act logically and if you feel safety (your safety, your partner’s safety, or there is something not safe about the environment) is becoming an issue then it is best to play it safe by ending the threesome then to risk your safety. Short of feeling that safety is an issue, threesomes can change your perception of things. By this I mean seeing your partner having sex with someone else can elicit very strong emotions such as pure eroticism or sheer panic. When watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with some else is easy to think that your partner will leave you for them. However logically that may seem, reality tends to be if as a couple you have a strong caring and loving relationship then it is more probable than not that the feeling is being influence by what you are seeing. For a couple at this point it means they have to rely on their knowledge of the partner and their history together, instead of what they are experiencing, in order gage their reaction.

Another way things can be influenced is instead of watching your partner having sex with someone else is actually having sex with someone else. In a threesome situation it is easy to equate having sex with having feelings for your extra lover. Granted you may feel an emotional bond with the person that you had sex with but it is important not to lose sight that the purpose of the encounter is about physical enjoyment, not emotional attachment. It is important that you find a way to reconnect with your partner as soon as possible. This may mean that you do not have the third person stay in the same bed with you, if they are staying the night or they return to their hotel room if a room was rent. Additionally it may mean that you develop a circle of people who share a similar interest in order to prevent attachment to one particular person or you limit your encounters to one-off situations. Finally this means if you feel an attachment beginning to form with someone, it is immediately brought to your partner’s attention along with ending the relationship with the third. Reason for providing a few suggestions is to prevent attachment is and to preserve your relationship with your partner by keeping emotions separate from sex.

Final way a threesome can bring issues is by the emotional turmoil it can create, especially after the threesome. Up until the threesome happens each participant has the ability to stop it from happening but once it happens there is no way it can be undone. Furthermore there is no way that as a participant in a threesome you will exactly know how you will react until it happens. This is in part due to be being a new experience for you but it is also, in part, due to the activity is readily publicly discussed because it goes against what we have learned about relationships since we were young. The lack of public acceptance of the activity for some can create an emotional dissonance. Emotional dissonance, conflict of feelings, can cause a variety of reactions from anger, to withdrawal, and destruction of the relationship. There is no way to prevent any of the above problems. However a relationship that is stable, with good communication, and a relationship that has matured over a few years can help in alleviating some of these issues.

After the threesome

Many people feel that once the threesome ends and if it ends successfully then there is nothing more that needs to be done. Reality is as you begin to come down the “adrenaline high” from having the threesome and begin facing the reality of what has happened means your perception about what happened may change. Over the coming days, weeks, or even month afterwards there may be some unresolved issues. Unresolved issues can be feeling unsure about an action, feeling guilty about enjoying the experience, being aroused by the threesome to something more involved such as dealing with a boundary that was crossed or development of feelings for the third.  This means taking the time to talk about the experience and do “spot checks” to ensure that there are not unresolved issues that have not been brought up. Should an issue be brought up then it needs to be worked through, understand why it happened, and how it can be addressed. From there determining the next step for you as a couple and if a threesome will be something you want to participate in again Should as a couple you want to consider participating in a threesome again the process begins again by re-examining the boundaries, the choice of the third, and structure of the threesome in order to decide what needs to be changed. At this point communication is about preserving the relationship and learning from the experience so that the relationship can move forward.

Conclusion

Threesomes can be exciting and can also challenge a relationship. There is no way to predict if a threesome will be successful or if it will be damage a relationship. With the right selection of the third person, the ability to manage feelings, the ability to manage the transition, and the ability to communicate a couple can have a successful threesome experience.

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